'You're just another tool…'
Liz woke up screaming. The noise echoed through the metal halls of The Wolf's Den. Her heart was beating out of her chest. Adrenaline coursed through her body. She rubbed at herself trying to push away sand, but there was none.
It was all nightmare. It had been a long time since she had dreamed. Most nights she was just too exhausted. She preferred to never have dreams or nightmares. One told you your deepest desires and the other told you your worst fears. They were all fake, both sucked. None of them were going to become a reality. So, what's the point of having them anyways?
Tears fell down her face. She sobbed into her knees. Even during sleep, she couldn't escape Jacob. He had been on that beach with her. He had seemed so gentle, until he tried to destroy her again. How stupid was she? What a stupid, stupid girl. To think that he would ever be anything other than a monster.
"Lizzie? You Okay?" Her Uncle appeared in the doorway. There was a concerned look on his face.
She shook her head. "No."
She wasn't okay. Despite her efforts earlier this evening to act like it, there was no hiding it. She was broken. Jacob was like a tick implanted in her brain. He was always there, always lingering.
Eli walked over and sat on her bed. She climbed into her Uncle's arms and cried against his chest. He softly stroked her head.
"Shh. It's okay. It was just a dream."
But it wasn't just a dream. It felt so real. It felt so right. It could have been a reality. But in the end Jacob betrayed her like he always did.
"I can't believe that I trusted him…"
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit. There it was. The big secret. That thing she wasn't supposed to mention, ever. She wasn't good at keeping secrets. It was out in the open now. Eli had heard it.
"Trust who?" He searched her face looking for answers. He probably already knew though.
Could she be honest with Eli? She didn't like lying. She wasn't good at it. That's why she always told the truth. He was her uncle. If she told him the truth, he wouldn't get rid of her. Right? They were family.
Just get it out now. Tell him what happened and live with a clear conscience.
"Jacob…"
It sounded a lot like a child admitting that they had broken something to their parent.
There it really was. Now her uncle knew that she had cared about Jacob. Oh, how screwed was she. Why couldn't she have just lied about it? Great job Lizzie. She'd only been with the Whitetails for about a day and already couldn't take the guilt of lying. Damn her honesty.
She wiped the tears from her eyes and released Eli from her grasp, to gauge his reaction. He clearly wasn't pleased, but he didn't look angry either.
"Do you want to go somewhere to talk?" He asked.
That wasn't what she had been expecting. Honestly though, what would have been the best reaction from him? She hadn't planned on telling him at all.
She nodded and climbed out of bed to put on her boots. It probably wasn't a good idea to be talking about it in the bunker. It was surprising that her screams hadn't woken up everyone up in The Wolf's Den.
She followed Eli out through the halls of the bunker and out the front entrance. It was dark outside. The stars shone brightly in the night sky. Cold winds ripped through the mountains. It would be morning soon.
July 2nd. Eight days until her birthday. She wouldn't get to spend it in Florida with her friends. She would have to spend it in a warzone. If she lived long enough to see it…
The Wolf's Den was in a strange place. It wasn't concealed in trees like she had thought it would be. It was embedded into the side of a mountain. It was a small mountain, completely made from rock. It wasn't exactly the greatest place to hide a bunker. It was a miracle that the cult hadn't found this place yet.
Eli lead her to a small ledge that hung over the entrance to the bunker. They both sat down on the rocks. Her feet dangled over the edge. It was only a few feet to the ground. Nothing like the cliff that she almost got thrown off.
Was he mad at her? Did he think she was brainwashed or something? Telling him hadn't been a good idea. But she didn't want to keep secrets from her uncle.
"Lizzie, I don't even know what to say to you anymore."
What? She thought he was going to give her a lecture or something of the sort. Her head perked up to look at him. There was a grim look on his face.
He let out a small laugh. But it wasn't a happy one. His breathing hitched in his throat.
"I keep wanting to ask you about softball or school. But then I see that look in your eyes and all I can think about is how I failed you."
Liz clutched at her sides. Maybe back in the day she would have bitched at him. Complained that no one paid attention to her. That he shouldn't have even let her even go near Eden's Gate. But not now. It wasn't his fault. It was only her own. She had been weak.
"You didn't fail me…" The words weren't very convincing. She didn't even believe them.
"Yes, I did. I was supposed to keep you safe. You were captured for almost two months. I had to watch that video of you strapped to a chair, over and over again. It killed me knowing that you were with him. And there was nothing I could do to stop it."
Just thinking about that video made her feel sick. She hadn't seen it playing since being with the Whitetails, but it could still be playing. It was a reminder of how pathetic she was.
"Well that's the reason he did it."
Following him around had been the only things she had done with him. It was also the only reason that she had been kept alive. If she wasn't related to Eli, she would have been a snack for the judges.
"Why did you think you could trust Jacob?"
There it was again. Damn it. She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to taIk about the feelings she might have had for him. It would only rehash the terrible past few days that she's had.
How the hell was she was supposed to answer that anyways? Why did she trust Jacob? Was it his blue eyes that gave her solace, the arms that protected her, or the few jokes they had shared. It was just so easy to put her trust in him. A trust that hadn't served her well. He ended up betraying her in the end.
"Have you seen what he does? Like up close?"
Of course, Eli knew. It was a redundant question, but she needed to answer it for herself. To explain the logic of what he did.
"He breaks you. He takes away everything that you ever cared about. And then he tells you that only he can make it better. That he'll fix it all…"
It was something that she had seen a bunch of times. People were loyal to him because they thought they owed him. But he was the cause of their pain all along. It was a brilliant tactic. One that he hadn't used on her, but it was just as painful watching it happen to others.
"What did he have you do?"
"Nothing… I just followed him everywhere. Most days he ignored me. Pretended like I wasn't even there. I just thought that…"
Tears formed in her eyes again. She wished she could stop crying. She wished that she could just be strong.
"I thought if I did what he said, followed his orders… He would just let me be. But no matter what I did he pushed and pushed, till I broke. Every single day he told me that I was weak…"
Liz let out a choked sob. It was the only noise in otherwise stillness of the woods. It was partially a lie. It was something that he had said to her many times, but not every day.
"It doesn't matter what Jacob said. You're not weak." Eli placed a hand on her back and rubbed soothing circles. Her breathing slowly leveled out. She wiped the tears from her eyes. No more crying. Be better than that.
"But some days he would act like I was so important. He'd tell me that he'd make me strong. That if I killed you I could have everything that I ever desired. I wasn't going to give him anything though. It was all a lie."
A scowl crossed her face. She can still remember his exact words from a few nights ago. He said that if she did it for him that it would get easier. Not to be strong, or for Eden's Gate, but for him. There was a lot of things she might have done to gain his praises but not kill her own uncle.
"It's a good thing he didn't know shit about you. If he did then he would have been able to buy your loyalty with junk food." He smirked.
She couldn't help but laugh. The anger faded from her body. That was her uncle. He would always tease her about her terrible eating habits and countless other things. She missed this so much. When they hung out in the past they always had the most fun. It had been a long time since they had joked around together. Eli had been one of her best friends growing up. He took her everywhere fun around the county.
"Did I tell you he saved my life?"
"Really?" A confused look crossed his face.
It wasn't a good idea to tell him this story either. But she was going to. It was important. It was part of the reason that she had trusted Jacob. That was one of the most crucial nights of her life. It was the first time she had almost died and the first time she had killed someone.
"Yep. It was one night at the Chalet. I was asleep. Four men came and grabbed me. They uh… drug me over to a cliff. They were going to throw me off it."
Everything about that night was still clear in her mind. She remembered every small detail. She could picture the cliff that went on without end. And the screams of those men that had died.
"I couldn't fight them off. At that point I had come to the realization that I was going to die… And then a bullet just came out of nowhere and killed one of them. The rest of them dropped like flies. I was holding on to the edge for dear life. Jacob pulled me up from the cliff and saved me."
There were a few things that she had left out of that story. She didn't mention how she had killed one of the men. And how Jacob carried her all the way back to the infirmary. He didn't need to know those things.
"I know the reason he did it. I was more useful to him than those men. But, holy shit… Like here's this man that despises me and tells me that I'm worthless. But despite all that, he killed his own men to save my life. How do you deal with something like that?"
She glanced over to her uncle. He looked befuddled. It was probably a lot for him to take in.
"I don't know."
She sighed, not receiving the answers she was looking for. It wasn't his fault though. There was no real answer to dealing with something like that. Being in a war wasn't something that her parents had prepared her for.
All of Hope County was at war. They were fighting for their home. The Peggies were fighting for their beliefs. This war wasn't going to end well for either side. Liz didn't want to have any part of it. Jacob had drug her into it. But maybe there was someone else who was at fault…
"Eli, why did Joseph Seed know who I was?"
It was something that she hadn't thought about much. That day when he had visited her in the cage was a strange one. For a while she had thought that maybe he was just lying about it. But Joseph didn't look like one to lie.
Her uncle said nothing.
"There's something you're not telling me… I deserve to know."
He sighed. "You're right. You deserve to know what happened with the Seeds."
Had she met the Seeds before? That was something she would have definitely remembered. But then again, maybe not. When she was young the only thing she focused on was softball. Anything that didn't fit into that was ignored.
Eli shifted uncomfortably. This better be a hell of an explanation. "Joseph tried to recruit you into Eden's Gate several times. He pestered your parents about it and even talked to you about it."
"What? I've met Joseph before? When?"
"You wouldn't remember it. It was right after you hit that home run."
Liz racked her brain trying to recount any memory of Joseph Seed. But she couldn't think of any time in her life when she had met the man with yellow sunglasses.
"Have the Seeds been here almost all my life?"
Eli gave her a look. "Yes."
What the fuck. She had been living in the same county as Jacob Seed for years and she had no idea.
"So, this goddamn cult was forming while I was growing up and no one bothered to tell me." She could feel anger boiling inside her. If someone had just told her, she wouldn't have been in this situation. She could have just stayed in Florida and avoided all of this.
"We didn't want you to worry. The less you knew, the safer you were."
Safe. That word had popped up several times in the past few days. Each time she heard it, she got more pissed off. There was nowhere safe anymore. A scowl crossed her face. She had been through so much shit because no one told her. No one thought that she would have been able to handle it.
"Your parents were the one to make a deal with the Seeds. They wanted money to send you off to college. Joseph made them an offer with the agreement that you would join Eden's Gate after college. I told them not to, but they didn't listen. Your parents let you go to school in the south because you would be safe. The Peggies couldn't find you there."
Joseph had told her this story, but she still wanted to hear it. Her parents took money from the Seeds. Goddamn it. Nothing good came from making deals with those bastards. It was what got her into this mess in the first place, and what caused her family to go missing.
"Where's Mom and Dad?" She looked to her uncle, pleading for answers. She missed her parents so much. Were they even alive? Jacob had told her that they escaped, but he could have been lying.
"I don't know. I helped them leave the county months ago. Last time I talked to them, they said one of Jacob's men had followed them. They were hiding out somewhere. Did they never come and get you?"
"No…"
Liz knew exactly what that meant. Her family made it out of the county but never came to get her. They were dead. That was the only explanation.
For the first time in a long time, she didn't feel like crying. No more tears were going to come. She wasn't going to let herself sob anymore. What the hell was wrong with her? She bawled her eyes out just minutes ago recounting her time with the Peggies. But now accepting that her family was dead, she didn't shed a tear. Honestly though, she had suspected that they were dead long ago. It was old news.
She wasn't going to be weak anymore. No one was going to be the cause of her pain. Her family might be dead. Why didn't she feel anything? She really was fucked up. She didn't feel the same remorse for her actions that she did months ago. Hearing that someone had died was just normal now.
Maybe they were still alive though. There was a small glimmer of hope that they were okay. They could still be out there. She had to hold onto that. She didn't know what would hurt worse though; if her family was actually dead, or if they just didn't want her anymore.
If some Peggies did follow them out of the county, then they would have reported back with a kill or not at all. There was only one person who would know. And he was the one person that she didn't want to see ever again.
"What am I supposed to do now?"
There weren't many options laid out in front of her. She had too many weaknesses but not enough options. She was caught up in the middle of this war. Things weren't sane anymore. Hope County was fucking crazy. She just wanted her normal life at college back. But she wasn't a normal girl anymore. Jacob was responsible for that.
He rewired her brain. He taught her how to fight and then used her. She knew how to do a lot of things now. Things that were dangerous to others. She was a killer. She had killed innocent people, some of them were even Whitetails.
Eli kept his hand on her shoulder.
"You're going to stay safe in the bunker. Help out the Whitetails, and when the time comes you'll help us fight the Seeds."
And the truth is revealed. Goddamn it. It sounded like he couldn't decide if he wanted her to sit or to fight. No matter who she was with, something was expected of her. She wasn't going to be anyone's soldier, not Jacob's and not Eli's.
Why did anyone want her to fight for them anyways? She wasn't the best soldier. Her small frame wasn't good for much, not for labor and not for combat. But Liz was much more than that. She was a symbol now. A lot of people knew her from when she was growing up. Anyone who saw that video knew that she was a tool for the cult. And now her uncle wanted her to be a tool for him.
Too bad no one in this county even liked her. They only tolerated her because her last name was Palmer. That's why she had wanted to leave. Her parents had wanted her to leave to keep her away from the Peggies.
In college she had gone by Elizabeth instead of Liz. Everyone at home had called her Liz. That's why at school she went by her full name instead. She didn't want to be that girl from rural Hope County. The girl that couldn't get off the softball field. The 'try hard', the 'overachiever', the 'dork', the 'goody two shoes' that she had been. Now there were different words that could be used to describe her. Prisoner, tool, soldier, and killer. She would give anything to be that dorky girl once again.
"Okay, Liz?"
She was snapped out of her daze.
"Okay." She didn't believe her words. The Whitetails didn't need her. Eli didn't need her. She wasn't going to fight for anyone.
The sun was staring to rise above the trees. It covered everything in an orange glow. It was a nice contrast to the dark skies. She was sick of the dark. There was so much darkness in her life. There had to be some hope somewhere. There had to be some sort of joy in all this madness.
Sitting here talking to her uncle had helped. She understood why the cult had wanted her. He had even managed to make her laugh for half a second. But that laughter eventually faded into the darkness. Just like everything else.
As she sat there on the rocks with her uncle, she found a small sliver of hope. Maybe things would be okay. Maybe she would get better. But it wouldn't happen here. Her parents may still be alive somewhere. She had to find them.
A normal life was waiting for her outside Hope County. All she had to do was leave. If she had condemn the place she had called home, than so be it. Even if she had to leave her uncle behind. She loved her Uncle Eli but it was all too much. This was something she never wanted to be a part of.
It didn't matter who wanted her to fight for them. She was only going to fight for one person now, herself. Anyone who got in the way of that was going to be sorry.