The Elves of Riverdale

Laurwyn and Nicoledriel the elvish maidens were strolling through the forest of Riverdale one day when they spied two hobbits playing in a stream. The dark-haired twinky one giggled and splashed the fair-haired little bear.

"Oh no you don't, Mr Frodo!" said the bear.

"Just try and catch me, Sam!" said the twink, and ran away coyly– straight into Laurwyn's knees. He looked up at the elves with wide, crystal blue eyes and exclaimed, "Oh! My apologies, I didn't see you there."

Sam ran up behind Frodo, huffing and puffing, and stared at the beautiful elves with wonder.

"What are you two doing down here?" said Laurwyn. "We've never seen hobbits in, uh, Riverdale before."

"We wanted to see the famed forest of the fair folk before we leave," said Frodo. "We're on a long and perilous journey with Gandalf the Gray, and we may not return."

"Ooh, is he that tall daddy with the long beard?" said Nicoledriel. "Man, he is old and getting it. His wig is snatched, it is laid– he's a straight up snack!"

"What's this mission?" asked Laurwyn.

Frodo's face grew pale and serious. "Long ago, the dark lord Sauron forged a ring of power in the fires of Mount Doom, one ring to control all the others, and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. King Isildur defeated Sauron, but the hearts of men are weak, and Isildur tried to take the ring for himself–"

"Whoa whoa, slow down," said Nicoledriel. "Saron? Isador? I feel like I'm in school again."

"Honestly it's so hard to pay attention," said Laurwyn.

"–and now the Fellowship of the Ring must carry it back into the heart of Mordor to destroy it in the fires from whence it came," Frodo concluded.

"Perdora? Is that where that fiery vagina hole lives?"

"Oh yeah, I think that's what Sauron turns into after… who cares."

Finally Samwise found his voice. "Sorry, your elfship, miss, but are you a drow?"

"That's our word," said Nicoledriel hotly, and slapped the little hobbit across the face, sending him tumbling head over heels.

Frodo helped his friend/gardener to his feet tenderly. "Please forgive Sam, he's never seen elves before– especially an elf that's, uh, got more melanin in her skin than the other elves," he said.

Nicoledriel sighed. "It's okay, I get that all the time. Middle Earth is a super racist place. Basically the whiter and prettier you are, the more good you are, and if you're an orc or a goblin you're just inherently evil. It's very problematic!"

"Yeah, there's even two races of elves that you can only tell apart because their eyes are slightly different shades of blue," said Laurwyn. "And knowing white people they probably hate each other."

"Besides, we've never seen hobbits before," Nicoledriel said. "Your feet really are super hairy! It's wild!"

The hobbits scuffed their hairy feet in the dirt, embarrassed.

"So what do you think of our forest?" said Laurwyn. "Pretty romantic, huh?"

"Uhh…" said the hobbits, looking away from each other awkwardly.

"Wait, don't tell me you're not fucking," said Nicoledriel in surprise.

"Samwise is a dear friend," said Frodo uncomfortably. "Slash gardener. That's all."

Laurwyn let out an exasperated sigh. "Ugh. Nobody fucks in Middle Earth. It's all just giant battles and stupid songs."

"But you're so clearly in love!" said Nicoledriel. "Haven't you at least thought about it?"

Sam blushed beet-red, but he said faithfully, "My duty is to help Mr Frodo carry out his task. Gandalf said I have to be there for him when he needs me."

Laurwyn considered this. "I heard Gandy is a horny old gilf. Maybe he meant you have to be there for your friend when he neeeeds you."

"Like to polish his staff," added Nicoledriel, unnecessarily miming a blow job.

"Elves are a lot filthier than I expected, Mr Frodo," said Sam. "But maybe they have a point."

"Sam?" said Frodo, hardly daring to hope.

"Well, it's a long journey to Mordor," Sam bumbled, "and I expect we'll get lonely, so far from the Shire, and… well, I do care about you a lot, Mr Frodo."

"I care about you too, Sam."

The hobbits stared deep into each other's eyes.

"I can't swim, Mr Frodo," said Sam, "and I feel like I'm drowning in your eyes."

"KIIISSS!" said the elves.

Frodo smiled and broke away from Sam's hungry gaze to look up at the elves. "Thank you for your wisdom, your elvishnesses," he said, "but I think Sam and I have a lot we need to talk about."

"And maybe… not talk about," said Sam. Frodo tentatively took him by the hand and led him up the meandering stream.

"Aw, cute," said Laurwyn. "I'm for sure shipping you two."

"Yeah, this is doing it for me," said Nicoledriel. "Let's go find Gandy. I want to see what's under those robes."

As the two elves turned to go, Sam called out helpfully over his shoulder, "I think he and Elf Ron Hubbard are practicing their breakdancing routine."