x

Chapter 34

My Persona

My name is Terron. Not that it matters much anyway.

In fact, that's not even my name. That's someone else's name. Zekra just gave me that name because she wanted to pretend that I was an old friend of hers who she lost. So what does that leave me? Exactly what I am right now: a nameless, faceless, powerless Cubone with no past and no purpose.

I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore. It's been three days since the incident that destroyed Aurora Town… I think. I don't see a point in keeping close track of time right now. They let me back into the Fellowship building with the rest of the survivors, but… there's nothing for me to do here anymore. So I just sit here in my bed. The bed that, in a few days, won't be mine anymore. In a room that won't be mine anymore.

I sit here with my skull in my hands and I stare into the eyeholes. I don't even remember what this skull belonged to. Was it a Deino skull? Is that what this was? It's so hard to remember when it's been tampered to suit my needs.

But I just… I stare at it, and I feel like I hate it. I feel like it betrayed me.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this. None of this was supposed to happen. I thought, maybe, if I fought hard and made a good leader for the team, maybe I'd grow stronger and maybe I'd find some kind of a purpose here in the world of Pokémon. Maybe I'd figure out why I'm here and what happened to me before I lost my memories. Maybe I'd actually help fight back against the Plagued Ones.

I thought I was doing so well…

After surviving the hell-hole that was Erebus Woods, I felt pretty proud of myself for a bit. That mission ranked up our team quite a lot. Not to mention the fact that I was just happy to be alive and together with everyone. You don't know how much you care for someone until you see them almost die. I guess that was something Zekra always knew from the start. Which is why she gave me the name that she did.

But when it was all said and done, and we touched down back here, and when I had that talk with Zekra and Syn and Impetus… I really felt like everything was coming together. I felt like… that was what I was supposed to be doing.

I thought I was on my way to learning how to be a good leader and take a stand against the Plagued Ones. I even thought my plan to talk to Yimtri was so clever.

Pride before the fall, I guess.

And I just stare at my helmet, my persona, and I just direct all my hatred into it. As if this long-dead Deino is at fault for everything that happened. Because this… was my pride. This was the mask of pride I wore. The pride that blinded me. Pride that made me think that something good was going to come out of everything.

I blame it for everything. For the Plagued One attack destroying our home. For losing Syn and Impetus. And for the fact that I'm not a leader of a Fellowship team anymore. Now I'm just the leader of a group of misfit Pokémon who have been rejected by the rest of the world.

Sometimes I even forget I'm not a Pokémon by birth. This world has become my life. It's been so easy to slip into the mindset of a Cubone and just lose myself. I had no idea the world of Pokémon was so deep and meaningful, so full of culture and companionship and honor. I never would have known if I hadn't become one.

That's what the helmet did to me. I slip that skull onto my head, and I become Terron the Cubone. Strong, fearless, not giving a care in the world to anything human-related. My world revolves around Zekra, Novus, and all of my other friends. My purpose is to keep them alive and learn how to fight the Plagued Ones by their side. That's the mask I hid behind, thinking it would make everything okay. So it's not really my fault. It was my persona.

It feels so good to blame something. I think it's the only thing keeping me sane at this point.

Sometimes I blame Len. I still don't get his reasoning for kicking us out. "I don't want you to live the same life as I did"? What kind of reasoning is that?! Well, look where that got you, mister Luxray. You're evolved, you're backed by the best team of friends a Pokémon could ask for, and most of all, you're living life with a purpose. You put your heart and soul into your war against the Plagued Ones. All things considered, I think you did well in life. So what right do you have to deny me the same opportunities as you? Just because fighting the Plagued Ones might be a little hard sometimes?! Just because we might miss having a family or whatever?

Blasted hypocrite. I don't want your pity!

There's a loud cracking noise as I spike the helmet down at the ground. I barely even realized I did it. The poor old Deino bounces and rolls around until it stops right-side-up, staring right back at me.

Well, here's something for you, Len. What if some Pokémon just need to fight? Isn't that our whole purpose? Isn't that why we have all these weird elemental powers? I may not be a Pokémon by birth, but it's obvious to me that we were built to fight for things. That's where our happiness comes from.

So what's the big deal about the Fellowships? Okay, so what if I might be young and inexperienced and… and actually a little bit of a liability? So? I'm getting better as time goes on. Why can't they just let Zekra and I dedicate our lives to fighting for something we believe in? I'm old enough to accept that there are things more important than my own life. That's why I stood up to Yimtri, even though I was pretty sure I was going to die right there.

Yimtri… I blame him too. It's so easy to blame him. It makes my blood boil whenever I even think of his name. He knows things. He knows. He might even know all the answers to what the Plagued Ones are doing and why they're here. He might even know who I am. I really wouldn't put it past him. There's just this way that he talks to me, like he knows more about me than he lets on.

Yet he refuses help. He wants to work alone. And he's willing to let so many other Pokémon die and get captured because of it. He's willing to let things like this happen because he's scared of admitting that he's actually a Plagued One now, and it's only a matter of time before he completely loses control to Erebus. Yeah… I can easily pin the blame on him. There are so many reasons to.

But there's this other corner of my mind that keeps telling me Yimtri might be right. Maybe he'll find the medals that Drae had and save himself from a complete transformation… and maybe he'll get some for us, too. If the Fellowship knew about these pins, I wouldn't be surprised if it would cause mass anarchy. The Fellowships might all just fall apart as they fight over these things once they learn who Erebus is and how dangerous it is.

And then there's this other thing that Yimtri told me. That the Fellowships might not want to listen to me. That really bugs me for some reason. Really, really bugs me. It makes me think that there's something even deeper and darker that he knows about. Something worse than Erebus. Are the Fellowships themselves corrupted? Do they already know the secret? If they know the secret already, maybe they'll kill us if we try to spread it. Maybe Yimtri gave us those death threats to protect us too, not just himself.

There's just something about the way he said it that makes me completely trust him. When I threatened him, he wasn't acting. He was serious. The secret means more to him than I could have expected. Until I know why that is, there's a part of me that's really, deeply scared of spilling the secret about Erebus.

Maybe Yimtri really is doing the best he can with what he's got.

Which means… I'm out of things to blame again.

As I'm staring at my skull helmet, I think I feel the beginning of a migraine. It's a familiar feeling nowadays. It's the headache Erebus gave me. The headache that reminds me I'm going to become one of the Plagued Ones someday. Thankfully, it's easy to ignore. At least for now.

Before I know it, I find myself wandering downstairs through the Fellowship center. I'm not wearing my persona, but I don't care. Pokémon will cast me odd glances, but it doesn't matter what they think of me. I'm not even a real Cubone anyway.

As I walk through the mess hall, I see some of the survivors eating at tables. They're using the kitchen one last time before everything gets decommissioned and abandoned. All the spare food needs to be packed up for the great exodus to whatever other Fellowship they're going to join. It's going to be a long walk. A walk we won't be making. Nope, we're going somewhere completely different. Somewhere far away from the war, where we can grow up in peace and be the normal children Len thinks we should be.

Hah.

In the world of Pokémon, there's no such thing as normal. Take me for instance. I wear the bones of other Pokémon on my head because my instincts compel me to do so. Because I can't be a functioning member of society without one. How's that normal? How am I ever supposed to be normal? When others look at me, what do they see? They see the very symbol that represents death and despair: the skull. That's a symbol I have to live with every day of my life. And in my spare time, I yearn to frolic in mounds of the dead remains of other Pokémon.

I ask again, how's that normal?

As I'm walking through the mess hall, I spot my team. Or should I say, my former team. We're not really a team anymore. We're just… nobodies now. But we're still friends. We're going to be there for each other one way or another. It's all we really have left now.

Zekra and Novus are sitting at a table, eating something. They're really quiet. They see me and give me a nod, but they don't say anything.

I don't think we've said anything for a while. I don't even remember how long it's been. I don't even think I've eaten in a few days. When you feel so many other strong feelings, like these migraines, or the sheer sting of heartbreak waking you up in the middle of the night… you tend to forget you're hungry.

I just pass them by. I have nothing to say to them right now. There's somewhere I'd rather be.

I head out of the Fellowship and around back to the gardens where we used to grow berries and things. There are a lot of crops here that will never be harvested. They'll sprout and bear fruit long after nobody's here. The wilds will get them.

And at the side of the garden lies the compost pile with a huge, filthy mound of bone scraps, most of which have plenty of raw meat still hanging from their joints. They cleared out the scrap room in the kitchen, the place where they used to keep all these bones, because the whole place is about to be abandoned. So they dumped them all here in the garden to decompose over the ages… if the hungry carnivorous wilds don't carry them away first.

And I see that pile of bones, and for the first time since that awful incident, I smile.

It's a Cubone's dream come true. So many bones to play with. So many to hone into weapons, armor, toys, and whatever else my imagination could come up with. So many uses. So many possibilities. I could entertain myself for days. And right now, that's all I really plan on doing.

So I revel in my glee and I climb to the top of the mound, feeling the pile shift and slide under my weight, ready to dig in. I spot a ribcage, and I immediately begin the process of making thorns. Thorns are so useful.

Yes, in mystery dungeons.

After making a nice handful of twelve thorns, I obsessively stack them in an orderly pile at the base of the mound and climb back up to find something else.

Next, I find a spine. It looks like the vertebrae are still attached together by the little disks. That's not going to last too long, though. Hm, but I see a use with the little vertebrae. They fit pretty well in my palm, and I bet I could use them like little stones. Or maybe I could just hit them with my club and use them as high-speed projectiles. Yeah, that could work. I'll try that. I sit down with the spine in hand and begin to break it apart.

Would be quite useful in battle, wouldn't it?

It's pretty easy work. I split apart all the vertebrae and I set them next to the stack of thorns.

What else can I make? Hmmm, I need to be a little more creative. Thorns and little stones are nice, and so is having two clubs and a helmet, but what else can I do? It's such a glorious pile of bones… I could make enough weapons to last for the rest of my life. Maybe I could find a suitable helmet to use as a backup. It's too bad there's nothing really edible in the heads of Pokémon, so the skulls don't make it to the kitchen. Usually they're cut off at the butcher in town that used to ship us all our meat, although I'm not sure where the butcher stashed his remains. Maybe he threw it into the river, and I hate water.

So while I'm thinking, I find another ribcage and start making myself more thorns. I can never have enough thorns. They're so tiny and so efficient as throwing weapons…

Why would you need weapons? You're a civilian now.

Shut up. Alright, how many thorns should I make? Maybe forty? That sounds like a good number. That would fill a small sack. Then maybe later I could have Zekra gnaw them down to a fine-tipped point.

And a few of these legs look like they would make excellent bludgeons. The ones I have are fine, but maybe I could learn to use a bigger club. I could learn to wield a two-handed club, just in those cases I need the extra power.

Which will be never.

I have no way of knowing that. There are some mean and strong wilds out there. With a large enough club, I could take them out with a single blow to the head. Better yet, maybe I could learn to throw it like a boomerang, like I do with my smaller clubs. I'm sure it's not impossible.

Stop hiding from me, Terron. You know I'm here.

Shut up. Leave me be. I don't want to listen. Just let me make my bones.

You've been hiding from me for days, Terron. You've been trying to run away from me by blaming everyone else.

If you keep hiding from me, you'll be just as bad as Yimtri. And you'll be a hypocrite, which will make you just as bad as Len. Is that what you really want?

It was my voice of reason. That insidious, conniving voice that was always telling me things I didn't want to hear. I had been trying to block it out for as long as possible, but I just couldn't anymore.

I remembered the serious talks I had to Zekra, and to Syn, and to Impetus. I had one with Novus, and Vantis, and even Yimtri.

It seemed that it was time to have one with myself.

Alright. Fine. I'm listening. Just say it. Go on. Say it.

There's nothing to say, Terron. You know everything already.

The truth is that you don't know what you're going to do now. You're back where you started. It's just as bad as the moment you woke up with amnesia, if not worse.

You learned so much about Mystery Dungeons, but now you will never enter one again.

You learned so much about teamwork, and now you are no longer on a team.

You've gained so much rank and learned so much about the Fellowships, but now you're not part of one.

You've learned about the Plagued Ones, but now you'll never be in a position to oppose them.

Those weapons you're making are toys now. They'll never be used in battle.

Everything you've learned… all this strength and knowledge and skill you've gained…

None of it applies anymore.

Everything you've learned means nothing.

Nothing.

As I'm telling myself all this, the migraine comes back. It begins to feel as though my own bone thorns are being shoved into my temples.

I stumble back to the ground and glare at those piles I had made. My head starts to hurt so much that I stagger forward and hold myself up with my claws.

You can blame all you want. You can blame Yimtri, you can blame Len, you can blame Zekra and Impetus. You can blame the Plagued Ones. You can even blame your own persona. Your Cubone body. Your skull helmet.

But none of them are going to repay you. None of them owe you anything. The fact of the matter is that you're back where you started, and there's no way out.

There's nothing you can do now.

Nothing.

And I just yell in agony and I slam my fist into the bone piles I had made.

It's all pointless, Terron.

Human.

I grip my forehead and it feels weird. I wasn't expecting to touch scales; I forgot I had my helmet off. I had left it upstairs in my room.

I cry out again and I dig my claws into my temples, wanting the migraine to stop. Wanting the voice to stop.

And when the headache finally fades away again, I find myself spent of all energy. I just lay in a scattered pile of the bones I had collected, staring at the sky. Staring at the passing clouds and the sun, and the majestic tree that once housed the Aurora Town Fellowship.

And I realize it's all true. Nothing means anything to me anymore. And I don't know what to do.

I realize there are tears streaming down the sides of my face. I'm crying. I never cry when I'm wearing my helmet. I had held it in for too long.

And I feel like just falling asleep there surrounded by the bones and the stench of rotting meat. I saw no reason not to.

But then my voice of reason returns, and it tells me something I really didn't expect it to say.

You know, Terron, there is a way out.

The Plagued Ones, Terron.

They know something about you. They respect you somehow. They want you to join.

They have the answers, Terron.

You already know that Plagued Ones don't really die. They still remain who they are.

You could join them… then you'd know everything. You'd know who you truly are. You'd know why you're here on Shiron. And you'd be immortal.

And you'd know your own name.

It's the only way out that makes any more sense, Terron.

You know what to do. Go to Erebus. Erebus will make you the Plagued One you ought to be. So why don't you go? Why don't you become one of the Plagued Ones? Why don't you go to Erebus?

My eyes start to feel heavy with water and depression. I start to feel so tired.

Soon, I see nothing but the black behind my eyes.

A throbbing pain strikes my head once again, but I refuse to open my eyes. I just want to sleep. I don't care if it hurts. I just want to sleep.

I don't want to deal with reality right now. I just want to disappear from a while. I want to go back to that world where nothing matters. I want to go to my oblivion.

I just want to sleep in peace, away from everything.

…

…

…

…

…

I feel…

…

…

…

…

I feel… happy…

…

…

…

…

All of my worries… they're melting away…

…

…

…

…

…

Everything… everything feels…

"Terron! Terron! Wake up, Terron!"

Someone starts shaking me. Violently. I don't want to wake up, but I can't ignore the Pokémon that's bothering me. They're too loud and they're rattling all of my internal organs. It's too much for me to tolerate.

I grudgingly open my eyes and find Vantis standing over me. I don't know why he's here. I haven't even seen him since the day I got dismissed. I think he had to go perform messenger duties for Len. Whatever. It doesn't matter.

He looks absolutely horrified, as if he had just seen a ghost. Well, a dead Pokémon's spirit. Ghosts here in Shiron aren't like ghosts in Kuron. I need to remember that.

Vantis's terrified look goes away once he sees that I'm awake now. He starts to smile awkwardly.

"There you are. Sorry about the rude awakening," he tells me. "I've just been looking for you… and you weren't getting up after I found you…"

Yeah, because I'm tired. I didn't want to get up because I'm tired. I'm tired of everything right now. I'm tired that there's nothing left for me.

"I was tired," I say, choosing not to express my bitter thoughts. "That's all."

"Oh, okay then," Vantis says.

I look away from the Flygon and choose to remain in my pile of bones. I don't have anything to say right now. I don't.

Vantis doesn't say anything either, but he's not leaving me alone. He's just staring at me. I would ask why he's here, but I just don't feel like it right now. I feel so exhausted. I don't want to do anything right now except stare up into the endless sky.

"Len found a new home for you and your friends," Vantis suddenly announces out of nowhere.

I feel a small bit of energy fill me again, giving me the energy I need to speak.

I look back at the Flygon.

"What?" I say blankly.

Vantis grimaces as he looks away from me for just a moment. When he looks back at me, I can see that he's hurting in his own way. I can see the reluctance.

"The reason I came to find you right now... it's because I wanted to tell that I'm taking you to your new home tomorrow morning," Vantis explains painfully. "Len finally found somebody to take care of you. I just got back from visiting them today. And… that's why I'm here now rather than going to one of the other Fellowships like a bunch of other Pokémon. I just wanted to tell you that… so you can have time to say goodbye to here. And, I already told your friends about this. I figured you didn't want to tell them this, so I did it for you."

So, the day's finally come. I'm officially leaving the Fellowship tomorrow.

Leaving, never to return. Tomorrow.

I feel like I should be grieving right now or even screaming at Vantis to let me stay here, but I'm feeling absolutely nothing right now.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

"Okay," I say.

And that's all I can say. I really can't think of anything else to say.

"Listen, Terron, I'm really sorry that things had to be this way," Vantis says gently. "I tried talking to Len, but he wouldn't budge. But, everything's going to be okay. I mean, I know things are tough, but you'll get through this and-"

I start blocking him out. I don't want to listen to him anymore. I don't want anyone's pity right now. I don't want any kind of comfort.

I… I just want to sleep.

Well after who knows how long, Vantis finally stops trying to raise my spirits. Maybe he finally gets that I'm not paying attention to him. And so, he leaves me alone.

I go back to my bedroom with my bone collection in tow. I'm still tired and staying with all of those bones isn't the best place to be when I'm tired. Besides, someone might find me again. I don't want to deal with anyone right now.

I don't want to deal with anything right now.

I collapse into my bed that won't even be mine anymore after tomorrow. I'm about to fall asleep, but then, I see my persona lying next to me. The Deino skull.

I don't hate it anymore. I know it's not the persona's fault for everything's that happened. I was just being stupid and playing the blame game on anything I could find.

I pick up my persona and stare into its empty eye holes. Those eyes that no doubt resemble my own now.

Deino… I bet you didn't expect that you'd become my persona. I bet you didn't think I'd start relying on your skull to give me the strength to do everything. I wonder what happened to you before you became nothing but a persona. Garter said he got you from Dusk Mines, didn't he? Were you a Dusk Mines Fellowship member that killed themselves when they realized they were going to be a Plagued One? Were you some criminal that lied to the Fellowship? Or were you just some random feral that the Fellowship decided to kill to keep their meat supply stocked?

I suppose it doesn't matter. I'll never be able to know you. You're dead. And, your skull can't help me anymore. I don't need a persona where I'm going. No, not anymore. Not when I don't need your strength anymore.

Because why do I need your strength when there's nothing to fight for anymore?

… Wait.

Wait.

What am I saying? Am… am I… have I seriously been thinking about giving up just because of everything that's happened? Just because seemingly everything's come crashing down on me?

No, no, I can't do that. What am I thinking?! Of course there's something to fight for! I'm fighting the Plagued Ones to make them pay for the suffering they've brought to so many Pokémon. Am I just going to quit because the Plagued Ones happened to make me suffer?

No. Zekra never did that. When they took away everyone and everything she ever cared about, did she give up on everything like me? No, she didn't. She stood firmly against those demons and kept fighting them. She stayed strong.

And so did Novus. Novus did the same thing as well. He still took a stand against them, his resolve unwavering.

I need to do the same thing as my friends did. I'm the leader, after all. I don't care if Len says I'm not a leader anymore. I am a leader, no matter what.

Even if I can't be the leader of some Fellowship team, I can still be the leader of Team Vendetta. Team Vendetta will still exist, even after we get kicked out of the Fellowship. We don't need Len to fight the Plagued Ones. We can do it our own way.

We don't need to be dependent on the Fellowship. After all, if Yimtri is right, I can't trust the Fellowship with the secret behind the Plagued Ones anyway. Winning this war… it might just be something I have to do with my own team. With my own friends. With any other Pokémon I can find to support me.

Everything I've learned can still be used. It's not a waste. I can still use all of my knowledge to keep fighting.

I can't let what's happened to me weigh me down. I'm the one who controls my fate, no one else.

I look upon my persona and stare into its eyes for a moment.

I'm going to need your skull again, Deino. I need my persona to let me do this. I need your strength to do all of this. You've given me your strength before… and I need it now more than ever. I can't be the nameless, timid human anymore. I can't go back to that. I need you to let me be Terron the Cubone.

Terron… the valiant leader of Team Vendetta.

Forever.

And then with a confident smile, I put the persona on my head.

Perhaps an hour later, Zekra and Novus come into the room. They're still so drained right now. So lifeless. I can see it in their eyes.

The two of them go over to their separated beds and get ready to fall asleep. They don't say anything to me, as if they've forgotten that I exist. But, I know better than to think that. They… they just don't have the energy to do anything anymore. It was probably tiring enough just to walk up all those stairs to get to our bedroom.

I can only imagine the pain they must be feeling, seeing the Plagued Ones take away everything from them for a second time. Just the very thought of that makes my heart break.

But, I don't let the pain consume me. I'm not going to wallow in depression. I'm not going to… because my friends need me more than anything right now. I know they both still want to fight the Plagued Ones, but they need someone to pull them out of the darkness before any of that can happen. They need someone to help lead them out of their own personal abysses. And that someone can't be trapped in an oblivion of their own.

I tell Novus and Zekra to combine all of our beds together. They give me such odd glances, but they don't question it. They understand my intent. The three of us take the bunches of hay and shove it into a giant pile before all of us lay down upon its softness.

Zekra and I cuddle, holding each other close while we use Novus as a pillow. We haven't slept like this in a while. And, it feels nice to be this way again.

I've always found it funny how humans don't like to be this close to anyone whenever they're sleeping, yet for Pokémon, they do it so casually. Whether if it's with close friends, or some Pokémon you've just met, no one feels awkward about it. It actually feels nice to be so close to all of my friends. It always brings this strange sense of comfort.

And though I can tell that my friends are still hurting right now, I know Zekra and Novus feel some of that comfort. It's so easy to tell how Pokémon are feeling. Their emotions are so powerful.

I'll give you my support, Zekra and Novus. I'm strong enough to do that now.

I'll help both of you through all of this.