The Secret Diary of Cameron Baum
MONDAY
It's been over a month since we returned from the mexican border and so far there's been no blowback. The TV news hasn't mentioned three dead men discovered locked in a cage in an abandoned factory. Therefore either someone found Enrique, Jose and Buck and released them, or they managed to break free themselves.
Armed with a new ID, Daniel is planning to relocate to San Francisco for a fresh start sometime during the spring, though he's in no particular rush. Truth be told, he seemed lonely in Seattle despite the presence of Cameron subprime and has relished spending the holidays with a family, even one as disfunctional as ours. Two fugitives, two cyborgs, a mexican orphan and a small yappy dog isn't your typical american family unit.
Christmas has come and gone and once again the fat fellow in red has totally screwed me over. Did I find a laser-guided missile launcher under the tree? No, I did not. That oaf masquerading as Santa needs his licence revoked.
Now it's January the holiday decorations have all been taken down and stored for another year, including the twinkly lights we attached to the large tree in the backyard. Removing the lights from each branch was every bit as tedious as putting them up. My suggestion that we chop down the tree and store it in the attic ready for next year is dismissed out of hand as impractical, destructive and just plain crazy. Well, excuse me for having an original thought.
As the year begins, LA is undergoing a cold snap - cold by Californian standards at least. This is put in perspective when the east coast has a major snow event, with plummeting temperatures and blizzards disrupting the entire eastern seaboard. Fox News has dubbed it 'Snowmageddon' and unsubtly hints the blame lies not with climate change but eight years of a democratic presidency.
"Look at that. They're so-oo lucky!" Mia exclaims as the TV news shows a near-frozen couple being helped from their snowbound vehicle by rescue workers.
"Don't think it's their take on the situation, sweetie," says John.
"Why can't we have snow? I've never seen snow. Neither has Snowy. We want blizzards here, don't we, boy?"
Snowy barks affirmatively, although he probably assumes a blizzard is something to eat.
Due to the chillier weather Snowy is wearing a quilted doggie jacket, with four little holes for his legs and buttons that do up along the belly. He wears it constantly, indoors and out, and growls menacingly at anyone who tries to remove it. Honestly, before long he'll be sporting a onesie.
WEDNESDAY
"Sounds like they're back. Is Snowy still wearing his jacket?"
"Does the Head of the Catholic faith defecate in a woodland setting?"
"I'll take that as a yes. When the warmer weather comes he's gonna bake."
Daniel and Snowy enter the kitchen, the latter heading straight for his food bowl to chow down and immediately replace the calories he burnt off during his morning walk. No wonder that dog never gets any slimmer.
"How was the walk?" John asks.
"Actually,it was kinda weird."
"You run out of pooper scoopers? Yeah, that's brutal. You've just gotta man up and deal with it."
"No, nothing like that. We met these two girls who said they're friends of yours. A tall blonde and a short asian hottie."
"Sounds like Paige and Sookie. Yeah, they're friends. They wonder what you were doing with Snowy?"
"I told them I was a family friend in town for the holidays."
"They buy it?"
"Seemed to. The weird thing was...I think the asian hottie was hitting on me."
"Sookie? Yeah, by all accounts she's quite a player."
"She has a hyperactive cooter," I add helpfully.
"So you don't mind if I take a swing? Go on, coach, I've been benched too long."
"Be my guest, slugger. You need to be careful though."
"Gee, okay, dad, I'll be sure and use condoms."
"Not that. Paige and Sookie are best buds. They tell each other everything. And Paige just happens to be studying journalism at college. The story of the century is just right around the block. Careless talk, and all that."
"Relax. I think my pillow talk's a bit more romantic than cyborgs and nuclear holocaust."
"Then go for it. No one expects you to live like a monk."
"Think I should run it past your mom?"
"Nah, she'll be fine. Go ahead, take a shot."
"Thanks, man. I'll give her a call. Y'know, for some crazy reason I thought you might cockblock me on this one."
Daniel has a blocked cock? Oh dear, perhaps he need some Draino.
THURSDAY
Cameron subprime and I knock first then enter Daniel's room. This is called common courtesy. He's in the bathroom, towel round his waist and shaving foam on his face preparing for his first date with Sookie.
"Hey, girls, come to wish me luck?"
"John wants to know whether you require the Suburban or the pickup truck for this evening."
"Neither. I'm taking an Uber. We're meeting at a bar and I'll be drinking alcohol."
"Is Uber safe?"
"Half the Uber drivers in this city are here illegally. I'll blend right in."
"Good luck tapping dat ass," Cameron subprime ventures. We bump knuckles. It's always a small triumph when we use urban slang in the correct context. Word up, peeps.
"Hey, don't jinx it. This isn't a done deal."
"Sookie's a slam dunk," I assure him. "Even Snowy would stand a shot."
"Thanks for the indelible mental image."
He rinses the foam off his face and studies his reflection. "Looking smo-oo-th, play-ah."
"Do you require manscaping?"
"What?"
I explain what manscaping entails. We saw it discussed on a daytime TV show. It was very educational. John wasn't keen however. In fact he was vociferously against it. As is Daniel.
"No way I'm doing that to myself. I know all you girls do it so you're smooth as dolphins, but this dude's sticking with the caveman look."
"That's a pity. We brought extra razors."
"Okay, what d'you think - shirt with jeans? Or tee with chinos?"
"Are the jeans ripped?"
"Of course not. Do I look like a teenage girl?"
He has a point. Mia has jeans so shredded it looks as if she's been mauled by a tiger. It's a generational thing.
"Tee with chinos," we chorus. Are we in sync or what?
"You're right. The tee really highlights my muscles. Which I have you to thank, of course. Oh, BTW, let's keep the little gym incentives to ourselves. No need to tell the generalissimo."
"If John asks we must tell him."
"We cannot keep secrets from him," Cameron subprime adds.
"Yeah yeah, he's the Grand Poohbah of the Universe, blah blah blah. And it's really no big deal. I mean, your flesh isn't even real, right?"
"If it's not real then why do you like looking at it so much?"
"Because I'm a guy. I've got eyes."
Daniel flexes his biceps in the mirror. "Check out the gun show. I look like that dude from Predator."
"The alien with the tentacles for a face?"
"What? No, the army guy. Get to the choppah!"
"Choppah?"
"Exactly. Get to the choppah!"
"I have never seen Predator," Cameron subprime confesses.
"Get outta here. It's a classic. Tell you what, we'll spin the blu ray and watch it together. Oh wait, I can't tonight because I'll be busy...tapping dat ass!"
We all laugh. Recreational sex between consenting adults is hilarious!
FRIDAY
Daniel arrives home at three in the morning. His Uber is a white Toyota Camry with peeling Trump/Pence stickers. He sleeps until noon.
I suspect he tapped dat ass.
SATURDAY
Daniel arrives home at four in the morning. His Uber is a blue Ford Bronco with a whip-like radio antenna. He sleeps until one. Once awake he swallows two Tylenol and complains of a sore back.
Definitely tapped dat ass.
THURSDAY
John and I are spending the evening on the town. Not actually 'on' the town, of course. No. I would need to be a lot bigger than I am if that were literally true!
We visit a multiplex to watch the movie Star Wars: Rogue One. Daniel and Mia have already seen it and are dropping so many spoiler bombs that John feels obliged to go immediately before they ruin it for him.
"Enjoy the movie?" he asks as the credits roll and we exit the theater.
"Very entertaining."
"Thought so. You didn't ask as many questions as you usually do."
This is true. For once the plot was intelligible and straightforward: good guys obtain plans for a weapon - the putative Death Star - and the big bads chase them to get it back. So simple even Snowy could understand, especially if you changed 'Death Star' for 'juicy bone.'
From the muliplex we take a short walk to a diner where John orders the chef special and I watch him eat it. I chug a bottle of beer just to blend in. I'll have to remember to drain it later as I don't want beer sloshing around inside all day and making me sound like the seashore.
Sometimes when we go out we swap the cinema experience for the bowling alley. Except the last time we did that I managed to knock down all the pins - and demolish the wall behind. Apparently you don't get any extra points for doing that.
As it turns out, I am very good at most sports played in bars and clubs. Darts? I can throw 180s at will and never miss the doubles. I could probably throw toothpicks and still beat allcomers. Then of course there are the table games: pool, air hockey and table tennis. It would be a brave man to challenge me at those. And when it comes to karioke I'm a natural. A man once complimented my Taylor Swift impression by saying I sounded exactly like her. Well - duh!
We arrive back at the safe house at two o'clock in the morning. Cameron subprime is powered down in the garage and the house is quiet and dark, except for a chink of light showing in the basement rec-room.
"Mia probably left the light on," John suggests.
This isn't the case. Instead we find Daniel slumped on the sofa, brewski in hand and several empty on the floor, watching a movie on the flatscreen with the sound turned low. Snowy is curled up beside him, back turned to the screen. He's not much of a movie fan, losing interest within minutes. That dog has the attention span of a gnat.
"Hey, man, thought you'd be out with Sookie."
"She flew back to New York this morning. We've broken up."
"Oh, sorry."
"She asked me to move to New York with her."
"Yeah? I could make that stick with mom, if you want. Your ID's solid. Long as you keep out of trouble."
"I told her I wanted to stay here."
"So the breaking up was your idea?"
"She was wearing me out. I can't believe I'm saying this, but there's such a thing as too much sex. I'm tired all the time. My back hurts from all the bizarre positions she likes."
"Whoa, too much information."
"And she's got another guy in New York."
"Are you sure?"
"I checked her phone while she was showering."
"Aw, man, nothing good ever comes from checking a girl's phone. They've got some crazy shit on there."
"His name's Darryl. They exchange texts every day."
"Maybe he's a classmate and they swap notes?"
"He sent her a dickpic. You could hoist a flag up it."
"Again, too much information."
"I'm not going to New York and find myself in the middle of some weird threeway. Nipple clamps and hot candle wax, that's as kinky as I like to get."
"Man, you're really torturing me tonight."
"Sorry."
"What's the movie you're watching - Woody Allen?"
"Yeah. Thought a fellow jew would help ease my suffering."
"Is it working?"
"Not really. And the name Woody keeps reminding me of Darryl."
"He married his daughter apparently."
"Darryl?"
"No, doofus, Woody Allen."
"How'd he swing that?"
"Movie stars, dude. They live on a different planet to the rest of us."
"Planet Hollywood," I confirm. Even I've heard of that.
Both men laugh. "Thanks, Cameron," Daniel says. "You always know the right thing to say."
I do?
FRIDAY
Mia arrives home from school, tossing her bag aside with the extravagant relief of someone released from years of captivity.
"How was school?" John asks.
"The usual."
"Learn anything?"
"Time will tell. Oh - FYI, you remember Angie who came to visit last year?"
"Angie Navarro? Sure. What about her?"
"She's dropping by later."
Sarah Connor says, "Angie's coming here? Why is she doing that?"
"She's in the area so she said she'd drop by."
"How long have you known about this?"
"Coupla days."
"And you're just telling us now."
"I was gonna tell you sooner but Angie said it'd be fun to wait till the last minute and watch you blow your stack."
"I'm not going to blow my stack," Sarah Connor insists unconvincingly. "A heads up would have been the polite thing to do. Is she staying for dinner?"
"Nah. We'll probably hang in the rec room, eat chips and play Fortnite. Angie says she has some awesome cheat moves."
"What is Fortnite - a video game, like Pac-Man?"
"Uh - it's not quite like Pac-Man," Daniel points out.
"Well, as long as it's educational and promotes teamwork and co-operation."
Mia and Daniel burst out laughing.
It must be the way she tells them.
"Who's this Angie Navarro?" Daniel asks once Mia disappears upstairs to change.
"Someone we met a while back. She knows about stuff, some of it anyway. In fact, in the future she'll be your commanding officer."
"I thought you were the head honcho."
"John is the supreme commander of the resistance," I explain. "Angie is head of the technical department, also known as the geek squad."
"Seriously? After all that happens people still mock us?"
"You should hear what they call me."
"So, what's this girl like - is she a looker?"
"Nice enough. Except she has tendency to... speak her mind."
"That's a bad thing?"
"Wait until you meet her then judge."
-0-
Angie makes an impressive entrance, her red low-slung sportscar growling into the street like an angry wild animal.
This garners a good deal of attention from the boys.
"Holy shit, is that a Ferrari?" Daniel asks pressing his face to the window for a closer look. "You didn't tell this chick was loaded."
"She has a big salary deal from one of the korean tech giants. And don't let her hear you calling her a chick."
The Ferrari stops outside the house, the engine revving loudly enough to rattle the glass in our window frames.
"Well, the whole neighborhood knows we have a visitor," Sarah Connor sighs.
"Is that Angie? Is she here?" Mia bounds down the stairs closely followed by Snowy who has his favorite bowtie attached to his collar.
"I didn't hear anything. Did you hear anything?" John quips.
There's a knock on the door.
"Angie!"
"Hey, Button. John. Cameron. Sarah - you're looking drawn. Are you getting enough sleep? Rest is very important at your age."
"Good to see you too, Angie."
"Sweet ride. Is that the V12 stick edition? I thought that was only available in europe. " Daniel asks with a smile.
"No idea. I just liked the color. And I don't think I know you."
"Daniel. I'm a friend of the family."
"I see. And what's that on your face?"
"Uh - I'm growing a beard. You know, trying out a new look."
"Well, if your new look is that of a bum in line at a soup kitchen, congratulations, you've succeeeded admirably."
Daniel's smile vanishes. We call it the Angie Effect.
"Come on, Angie, let's go down to the basement. We've got takeout and everything."
The two girls with Snowy not far behind descend the steps into the basement.
Sarah Connor isn't lost for a comment.
"That's it? They're going to stay down there for the rest of the evening?"
"Seems that way."
"You realise she hasn't come all this way simply to visit Mia."
"I'm sure she hasn't."
"Angie wants something from us."
"I'm sure she does. And I'm equally sure this is her way of having fun by needling you. Relax. She'll tell us in her own good time."
Daniel rubs his chin thoughtfully. "You guys don't think I look like a bum, do you?"
"Don't let her into your head, man. That's how she gets you."
Angie and Mia stay in the basement for two hours. Snowy occasionally surfaces, making a circuit of the kitchen to check if the food bowl has been magically refilled in his absence. That dog is nothing if not an optimist.
Finally it's Mia's bedtime and once she and Snowy are upstairs Angie joins us, smirking at Sarah Connor's barely disguised irritation.
"Such a sweet girl. Not a great intellect but I've a feeling her looks will more than compensate. You're raising her well."
"Glad you approve. Gonna tell us why you're here now?"
"Why, can't a girl drop by and spend some time with her bestie?"
"You didn't cross the state to spend the evening holed up in our basement. You want something."
Angie grins. "You know, Sarah, I'm impressed. You have the street smarts of a much younger woman."
"Cut the crap. Why are you here?"
"Very well. Gather round, I have a tale to tell." Angie places her smartphone on the kitchen table and selects a photo app. "Remember that 3D imaging software I was working on that got stolen by the government?"
"Yes."
"No," counters Daniel.
"We'll explain later," John assures him.
"I think I've found what they're doing with it. See this photo? New York JFK. See the little silver globes in the ceilng above the check in desks? Cameras. I've seen a similar set up at LAX. Chicago O'Hare. Houston. Detroit. Probably every major airport in the country has them."
"So what's it mean?"
"What the software's designed to do. Record and identify. Map a unique 3D image of every passenger flying to and from these airports."
Sarah Connor frowns. "All this to catch us? They must know we don't use airports. Never have."
John shakes his head. "I don't think it's us. I think it's everybody."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning they're profiling. Constructing a database of people, all neatly tagged and logged."
"Is that even legal?"
"Who knows these days. The anti-terrorist laws cover a lot of bases."
"Millions use those airports everyday. That must generate a huge amount of data."
"That's right," Angie agrees. "And they must be storing it somewhere in this stuff's way too risky to keep in an Icelandic data farm."
"Yeah. If this leaked out...I mean, look at the fuss over Trump's plan to screen muslims."
"I think I've found the storage farm. It's here, in California. The San Fernando valley."
Angie swipes past the photos to a video app. She taps the screen and it starts playing.
"This is drone footage of a company called ESD. Everlast Systems Data. A five-year old tech start up that bankrupted itself nine months ago. Except someone bought the place and upgraded it three months ago, about the time these cameras started appearing in airports."
"Do you know who?"
"No. And the fact that I don't strongly suggests a government angle. Look at the guardhouse. The electrified perimeter fence. Something's going on in there that needs to be kept secret."
"How did you get this footage?"
"I had one of my minions send a drone up."
"Minions?"
Angie rolls her eyes. "Okay, fine. One of my work colleagues. God, you're as bad as Human Resources. 'You can't call your colleagues minions, Angie. You can't fire someone because your coffee's cold.' Honestly, it's like living in communist country."
"Okay, so maybe you've found what they're doing with your invention. What do you want us to do about it?"
"Isn't it obvious, Sarah? I want you to go in there and blow the place skyhigh."
"Sabotage, you mean?"
"That's right. Sabotage it right up the buttski. I want my revenge big time."
"Angie, I'm sorry you had your work stolen, and I sure as hell don't like what this implies for this country, but there's no way we're going to risk our lives blowing the place up. I mean, at best it would cost them a few months data. They have your invention so they can just start over. I'm sorry but we have more important matters to deal with than your thirst for revenge."
"So I drove all this way for nothing?"
"I thought you said you came to hang with your bestie."
"Oh please, I can FaceTime Mia any time I want." Angie pockets her phone. "Well, I'll be on my way. Thanks for nothing. Goodbye, Sarah. John. Cameron. Soup kitchen bum."
"Can you believe that girl, wanting us to do her dirty work," Sarah Connor fulminates when Angie has departed.
John says nothing. He's been remarkably quiet for several minutes.
"Is everything aright?" I ask.
"Bring me my laptop, would you."
"I'm gonna go shave," Daniel says rising from the table. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking growing a beard."
John opens the laptop and starts a video playing. It's the drone footage from Angie's phone.
"Mom, you need to see this."
"Is that what she was showing us? How did you get this?"
"I sent a copy to my email address while you two were bickering."
"You're not seriously intending to do what she wants? John, she's acting out of pure spite."
"Just watch."
The video shows a large factory-like building shot from a circling drone. There's a broad access road and a surrounding chainlink fence. A parking lot has two vehicles, black SUVs, parked side by side. In the lee of the building are two men, standing close to each other. From this height and angle it's impossible to tell if they're conversing or not.
"See the two men?"
"So? Employees on a smoke break maybe."
"I'm gonna zoom in now."
The two men suddenly fill the screen. The picture is grainy but the images are unmistakable.
"Oh shit."
The men are exactly alike, identical twins possibly. Except that isn't the case at all.
The two men are terminators.
This company has cyborgs on the workforce.
-0-
Angie Navarro pops up in an earlier chapter. She's mostly here to kickstart this story arc.
Next: Drones. Very special drones. The mystery of the blonde in the red Miata.