Throughout his ninja career, Naruto always prided himself on his punctuality.
He would show up five minutes early for every team meeting and mission, count on it, even if it meant not eating his breakfast or brushing his teeth or changing his underwear because he overslept.
He overslept a lot, but that wasn't the same as being late.
Uzumaki Naruto didn't do late. No, that was the sole domain of Kakashi-sensei, who would show up anywhere from two hours to six hours past the designated time, always giggling and holding his boring novel, Icha Icha whatever, and giving the most insane excuses possible.
"Sorry I'm late, a black cat crossed my path and I had to go the long way."
"Sorry I'm late, a ladder fell on me and I helped the construction workers put it back up."
"Sorry I'm late, a cute girl talked to me on the road and I danced!"
"Sorry I'm late, I got caught in a stampede of raging bulls and just barely escaped with my life."
"Sorry I'm late, I got lost of the path of life."
That last excuse was the worst. It was so vague, neither mundane nor ludicrously impossible. It was just...what did that even mean, getting lost on the path of life?
Anyway, Kakashi-sensei's chronic lateness irritated Naruto to no end and he was determined to not be like that.
And he wasn't.
The streak of punctuality was broken only on the day he became Hokage, when an enraged Himawari activated her Byakugan for the first time ever and knocked Naruto out cold.
He didn't make it to the ceremony, all because of one stuffed animal that Boruto didn't want to carry.
When he explained this to Kakashi-sensei, who was in the process of clearing the Hokage's office of his personal belongings, his eyebrows rose far into his gray hairline and he burst out laughing.
"You really are like Obito, aren't you?" he said, his dark eyes twinkling with mirth.
"I'm like Obito?"
"Mmmm." Kakashi-sensei gazed into the Konoha skyline, where their stone likenesses stood together. "He was always late for everything, helping out the elderly and getting candy for his trouble. And he gave the most ridiculous excuses. I think his spirit possessed me and caused me to be late for everything. Maybe his spirit possessed you too?"
Naruto spluttered. "It's not an excuse, Kakashi-sensei, it's for real! Boruto accidentally ripped Himawari's stuffed animal and she snapped. Don't go passing the buck to Obito, ya know!"
He rubbed his bruised stomach wearily. He didn't know what she had done to him with her jyuuken strike, but it hurt like hell and he'd woken up with a worried Hinata and pretty much the entire Hyuuga clan standing over him.
Yeah. His father-in-law was thrilled that his cute granddaughter had managed to awaken the Byakugan at the tender age of six and with no rigorous training.
Naruto just wished he wasn't the guinea pig.
Kakashi-sensei patted his head like he was twelve years old again.
"Now, now, Naruto, I truly did get lost all of those times." He eye-smiled at his successor. "The path of life is long and winding and it's really difficult to predict where it will take you, you know."
Naruto glared at him.
"Oh, well, you'll find out about Obito's curse sooner or later." Kakashi-sensei pulled his Icha Icha book out of his pocket and strode towards the door. "Don't get too late for those Five Kage Summits. The other Kage won't appreciate it."
The door slammed shut and Naruto swore that he heard Kakashi-sensei giggle.
Naruto soon became swamped with his official duties as Hokage afterwards, and his old sensei's strange remark about "Obito's spirit possessing me" fled his mind, to be replaced with stamping paperwork meant for approving the Konoha high-rise building project; meetings with the ancient advisers, Koharu and Homura, who were skeptical of him because he was young and inexperienced; resolving crazy disputes between villagers; not to mention household tasks like shopping for ingredients for dinner at the behest of Hinata, or tracking down Boruto's favorite video game, or getting Himawari new stuffed animals.
It was altogether a totally exhausting experience and Naruto could hardly be blamed for forgetting all about the upcoming Five Kage Summit in Kirigakure, six months into becoming Hokage.
It wasn't Shikamaru who reminded him, funnily enough. It was Kakashi-sensei, who strolled into the Hokage Tower one fine evening.
Naruto had just finished stamping the massive set of paperwork that Shizune nee-chan had dumped on his desk the other day, and he was just stretching his back, ready to turn off the lights and hightail it out of the tower and back home.
Kakashi-sensei's permanently droopy eyes smiled at Naruto as he raised his hand and greeted him with a "Yo, Naruto!"
"Kakashi-sensei," Naruto responded dully.
His bandaged prosthetic hand was covered with stamp marks. His left hand had suffered dozens of paper cuts over the past few hours. His eyes hurt and his wrists were cramped. His orange jacket had suffered a black coffee stain in one of his caffeine-driven attempts to stay awake.
Kakashi-sensei didn't give any indication that he'd noticed any of this, however, and continued to beam at Naruto.
"Wow, time really flies, doesn't it? I can't believe it's going to be your first Five Kage Summit in two days."
Naruto's head shot up like he'd just received an electric shock. "It's in two days? Damn it, I should have told Shikamaru to remind me, or asked Shizune nee-chan to put a sticky note on my desk, and I need to tell Hinata about it, and I need to buy more cup noodles so that I can take some with me and – "
"Whoa, whoa, slow down, Naruto," Kakashi-sensei said, holding up his hands. "There's no need to panic. The Five Kage Summit is a breeze."
"Easy for you to say. You're retired," Naruto muttered.
"No, seriously, you just have to renew some old agreements and listen to some boring speeches."
"Really?"
"Yes." Kakashi-sensei absentmindedly fiddled with the bells he'd fished out of his pocket. The same bells that he'd asked Team 7 to capture if they wanted to become genin, way back when.
"The Five Kage Summit isn't the problem," he said, his eyes long lost in a faraway memory. "It's everything that happens up to, during, and after them."
"Huh? You're not making any sense, Kakashi-sensei."
"Now, now, Naruto, it's a long story." The Sixth Hokage scratched his masked chin and sat down at the desk. "My first summit was in Kirigakure too, and this is what happened..."
Naruto's jaw was on the table. His sky blue eyes stared at Kakashi in disbelief.
"Seriously? Uber Brows-sensei threw his wheelchair at the infiltrator and knocked him out?"
Kakashi-sensei serenely eye-smiled back at Naruto.
"So...what you're saying is...you have some kind of theory that Obito has...I don't know, been influencing all of this from beyond the grave or something?"
"Not influencing," corrected Kakashi. "I believe that I've been channeling Obito's spirit and inherited his catastrophic luck."
"That's gibberish, ya know."
"I've always been late, or something weird happened, at all of the summits I've attended. The only explanation is Obito."
"Or the other explanation is that you're bonkers, sensei."
Kakashi-sensei seemed totally unbothered at being called bonkers.
"Well, I just came to warn you to watch out for any...strange occurrences."
"Did you pack the storage scrolls we need to take to the summit?" Shikamaru asked.
"Check."
"Hanko ready?"
"Check."
"Hokage hat and haori ready?"
"Check."
"Okay, then." Shikamaru sat down with a sigh. "Let's take a break."
Naruto yawned widely and sprawled on the deck of the ship that Konoha had rented out for the trip to Kiri.
They were making good time, really. At the pace they were going, they could reach the Mist Village by noon. The meeting was scheduled to start at around three in the afternoon and wrap up by five.
After that, it was a night of sightseeing and picking up the souvenirs that he'd promised for his family.
And of course, he couldn't wait to find out what the ramen in Kirigakure tasted like.
Naruto sighed, the rhythmic swaying of the boat lulling him to sleep.
Of course that was the moment when the boat decided to emit a loud screech and a plume of ominous black smoke.
Naruto was rudely awakened from his slumber thanks to the frantic scurrying of the ship's crew.
"Wh – what's going on?" he muttered sleepily, rubbing his eyes.
The panicking captain shooed him away.
"Hokage-sama, please get out of the way! We're busy!"
"What's going on?" he repeated.
"A pack of sharks has chewed through the engine!"
"What?"
Water surged onto the deck, and then the boat tipped over.
Chojuro blinked in astonishment as the Seventh Hokage slouched into the meeting room.
He was soaked to the bone and his haori was disfigured with teeth-shaped tears.
"Hokage-sama…?" he said tentatively.
Naruto's expression was dangerously blank.
"Naruto, what happened? Are you all right?" Gaara asked with concerned eyes.
Gaara. Gaara. His good old buddy Gaara. He would understand.
"Sorry I'm late!" said Naruto. "A pack of sharks attacked us and the boat capsized."
A beat of silence followed.
Gaara looked askance at Shikamaru, who nodded grimly.
He cleared his throat. "Well, I'm glad you're in one piece."
Naruto took off his haori, which was in several pieces, and stared at it miserably.
"I know it's dull, but can we start the meeting now?" asked Darui. "The sooner we finish up here, the sooner you can go clean up, Hokage."
"Yeah," said Kurotsuchi. "Just make sure it doesn't happen again, Naruto."
Naruto didn't get to taste Kirigakure ramen that night. Or get souvenirs. And as they made their journey back to Konoha, his mind flitted over Kakashi-sensei's warning.
"So...what you're saying is...you have some kind of theory that Obito has...I don't know, been influencing all of this from beyond the grave or something?"
"Not influencing," corrected Kakashi. "I believe that I've been channeling Obito's spirit and inherited his catastrophic luck."
That was crazy, right…? He couldn't be channeling the spirit of a dead person. It wasn't like he was an ouija board or something.
A shiver ran down his spine.
The next summit was due to take place in Kumo.
Now this, Naruto was seriously looking forward to. His family was accompanying him this time. Hinata thought that his fears about Obito were hilarious and rather ridiculous and wanted to confirm that it was all just a prank played on him by Kakashi-sensei to scare him. Boruto and Himawari wanted to experience the novelty of visiting another village.
And best of all, he and Octopops were going to have an epic Bijuu Bomb ultimate frisbee contest. Killer B had won their last match and Naruto was looking to make a comeback this time around.
So it was that on one rainy autumn afternoon that the Uzumaki family boarded the Thunder Train to Kumogakure.
They settled into a compartment big enough for four people, Boruto edging into the window seat so that he could stare at the scenery, or play video games in case the scenery got too boring. Himawari curled up in Naruto's lap, and Naruto was absentmindedly playing with a strand of Hinata's hair.
Surprisingly enough, the journey from the Land of Fire to the Land of Lightning proceeded very smoothly. The rolling green hills and trees of the countryside gave way to jagged mountains and rocky brown terrain, signaling their entry into another country.
Naruto's stomach churned as the windows became foggy with precipitation and the train finally stopped at Kumogakure's railway station.
He released a breath that he didn't realize he was holding. They...they'd made it to the village on time! No demon sharks or capsized boats!
Naruto pumped his fists in the air. "YES! WE MADE IT!"
Boruto gave him a funny look. "Ugh, weirdo. Don't do stuff like that in public, tou-chan."
Naruto simply pouted at Boruto and ruffled his hair.
"All right, Naruto-kun, we'll be heading to the inn now," Hinata said. "Meet up with us at the shopping district when the summit's over, okay?"
"Papa, bye bye!" Himawari yelled as Hinata led the two kids away.
Naruto smiled and waved as he gazed at their receding backs.
Now it was time for business. Shikamaru had already reached the village yesterday, having taken an early train with Temari. Shizune nee-chan had drilled into his head everything he needed, so he wasn't totally unprepared.
He set off towards the Raikage Tower. It looked like Kakashi-sensei's theory about Obito was bogus after all.
Naruto had barely registered a deep voice bellowing, "Yo, Naruto, long time no see, you're full of energy!" before a massive explosion knocked him off his feet.
Naruto got a glimpse of black sunglasses, a blue tattoo standing out starkly against dark skin, and a gleaming smile, then found himself being whisked away in a whirlwind.
"Um, Octopops, I get that you want to start our ultimate tournament and all, but I kinda have to go to the Five Kage Summit now, so...maybe in two hours?" Naruto asked hopefully.
They were stuck in a valley in the outskirts of Kumo, far, far away from the Raikage Tower. After that...Dynamic Entry, Killer B had wrapped his octopus tentacles around Naruto and dragged him here.
He really wanted to play ultimate frisbee.
Killer B didn't seem to care about the summit. Well, that was to be expected, considering how he'd once faked his capture by Sasuke so that he could run off to someone called "Sabu-chan-shishou" to get enka singing lessons.
"What are you talking about, baby?" Killer B rapped, sticking out both of his thumbs and index fingers. "You made this long journey to see me, so that we could play ul-ti-mate fris-bee!"
Naruto cringed at being called "baby."
"So get ready! To float like a butterfly and sting like a bee!"
And with that, Killer B created an oblong Bijuu Bomb and pelted it at Naruto.
"Whoa, whoa, wait a moment! I need to turn on my Bijuu Mode!"
"My jinchuuriki is the stupidest in the world," Gyuuki muttered.
"No, that title belongs to my jinchuuriki," said Kurama.
"At least Naruto isn't obsessed with enka rap."
"He's obsessed with ramen instead. Pick your poison."
"WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING?" a distant voice roared.
The Raikage Tower was chilly. Or maybe that was because of the frosty stare being leveled at Naruto and Killer B by Kurotsuchi.
Naruto scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously. Now Chojuro was glaring at him.
"Hokage-sama," he said irritably. "Please explain yourself."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to be late, ya know," said Naruto sheepishly. "It's just...um, Octopops here really wanted to play ultimate frisbee..."
"Ultimate frisbee?" Kurotsuchi snarled.
"I knew this would happen. B-san was talking about it for weeks." Darui sighed and turned towards the Mizukage and Tsuchikage. "I know it's dull, but please forgive Naruto for his lateness. He shouldn't be blamed for B-san's...enthusiasm."
Kurotsuchi was giving him a look oddly reminiscent of Sakura at her most volcanic.
"Naruto," she said in a frighteningly calm voice. "I operate on a principle of three strikes. Right now, you're on strike two."
"Strike two?"
"Strike one was for the incident with the hungry sharks."
"Oh."
"And this ultimate frisbee incident is strike two. Strike three and we'll have to take drastic measures." Kurotsuchi leaned in. "Got it?"
Naruto scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. "Yeah, yeah, I get it."
Boruto was standing all by himself in the shopping district. Hinata and Himawari were nowhere to be seen.
"Yo, Boruto!" Naruto called out, sprinting over.
"Oh, hi, tou-chan," he muttered.
"Where's kaa-chan? And Hima?"
"Oh...that. The old Raikage, A jii-chan, he called kaa-chan to apologize."
"Apologize?"
"Yeah," Boruto said. He squinted suspiciously at his dad. "Something about an ultimate frisbee tournament?"
Naruto felt a surge of vindication. Now Hinata would have to acknowledge his fears about somehow channeling Obito's spirit.
She didn't.
The whole shopping trip, she kept breaking out into little giggles that she didn't even bother to hide.
"Hinata." He pouted at her.
"Yes, Naruto-kun? Hic."
"Kakashi-sensei was right. I've inherited Obito's luck. I'm gonna be late to everything forever."
Hinata made a sound that was somewhere between a hiccup and a laugh.
He threw his arms around her neck, hugging her from behind and putting a halt to her movements. She turned around, eyes swimming with tears of mirth.
"Naruto-kun, you're not an ouija board. You just had some bad luck. That's all."
"You really think so?"
"Hic."
For the next summit in Iwagakure, which was Kurotsuchi's home turf, Naruto took absolutely no chances.
He woke up at four in the morning to get ready and to avoid oversleeping. He packed up everything he needed three weeks prior to the summit. He made zero appointments with anyone in Iwa. He booked the earliest available ticket to Iwa and Shizune nee-chan decided to come with him to defuse any possible tension between himself and Kurotsuchi. Being a seasoned apprentice and adviser to Tsunade baa-chan of the legendary temper, she was an expert in defusing tensions. He brought no one else with him, in case anything weird happened.
They actually made it to Iwa with no disruption. They made it through the village square without being accosted by incompetent and excitable rapping jinchuuriki. There were no demon sharks en route. They actually crossed the threshold of Kurotsuchi's office with no disruption. Kurotsuchi looked happy. Chojuro looked happy. Darui had a very Shikamaru-esque bored expression. His best friend Gaara smiled at him! He took a seat at the table. He'd made it.
And then with a puff of smoke, Naruto vanished into thin air.
"Reverse Summoning Jutsu!"
Naruto found himself slamming headfirst into Shima baa-chan's kitchen table and, to his horror and disgust, one of her bowls of "delicious home cooking."
The old grandma toad had made worm onigiri again.
"Baa-chan?" he asked, pulling worms out of his hair and politely trying to hide his shudder of revulsion.
"Naruto-chan, welcome back!" Shima baa-chan squeaked. Her purple head and green skin were just as warty and wrinkled as ever. Beside her, grandpa Fukasaku waved at Naruto merrily, also looking just as old, green, and wrinkled as ever.
"Baa-chan, jii-chan, why did you call me here?"
"Oh...about that." She turned towards the window and bellowed, "BUNTA! NARUTO-CHAN'S HERE!"
"THANKS A LOT, MA'AM!" Gamabunta's tongue darted through the window, wrapped around Naruto, and pulled him outside.
"Long time, no see, brat," the Toad Boss rumbled.
He had also barely changed at all. Same red skin, same blue vest, same blade at his side. Same tobacco pipe. Naruto frowned. He'd told Gamabunta that smoking was bad for health. He might as well have not said anything, because the massive toad was clearly never going to listen.
"What is it, Boss? Why did you call me?" Naruto asked.
"GAMAKICHI, NARUTO'S HERE!" Gamabunta roared.
Two massive leaps across the forested mountain and Gamakichi had already arrived at Gamabunta's side.
"Yo, Naruto!" Gamakichi boomed.
"You were the one who wanted to see me, Gamakichi?" Naruto shuffled his feet. "Um, listen, I'm kinda busy right now, so could you call me back in a few hours?"
Gamakichi glowered at him. "No, this can't wait."
"I need to go to the Five Kage Summit..."
"This will just take five minutes!"
"Listen, I really gotta go, Kurotsuchi and Chojuro will be mad!"
"I need you to take care of something important for me!"
"You don't get it, I'm on strike three!"
"Please," Gamakichi yelled.
Naruto looked up at the huge toad in shock. Gamakichi looked like he was going to cry. Gamakichi wasn't supposed to cry. Giant toads crying was the stuff of nightmares.
"Erm, okay, calm down," Naruto said hastily. "What's the matter?"
"I lost my tobacco pipe!" Gamakichi said, as though this was a matter of world-ending importance.
"You...lost your tobacco pipe," Naruto repeated.
"Naruto, help me find it. It's the size of a tree. You won't be able to miss it," Gamakichi implored.
Naruto glared at the toad.
"I'll help you!" he said. "It'll only take five minutes."
It took five hours, ten screaming matches, and a swath of destroyed forest to retrieve the tobacco pipe.
By the time Shima baa-chan sent him back to Iwa, the office was dark and empty, except for Shizune nee-chan.
"Naruto-kun, where have you been?" she asked.
"Mount Myoboku," Naruto said blankly.
"Mount Myoboku?"
"Gamakichi wanted help finding his tobacco pipe," he clarified.
Shizune nee-chan gave him a funny look, but to his relief, didn't press the matter further. She was probably used to bizarre happenings during years on the road with Tsunade baa-chan.
He looked around the empty room. "Where...where is everyone? How was the summit?"
"It was postponed because of your...um, disappearing act," she said. "To be held at Suna next month."
"Oh...okay. Was anyone mad?"
Shizune shook her head. Naruto sighed in relief.
"But I was told to give this note to you." She handed over a sealed scrap of paper.
His heart pounded as he opened it. It was Gaara's handwriting! He smiled as his eyes quickly scanned over the message.
Dear Naruto,
I covered for you this time. It's a good thing that the Mizukage and Tsuchikage were more confused rather than angry about how you vanished in a puff of smoke. Surprisingly, no one was worried about you getting into danger. Kurotsuchi has implored me to escort you to Sunagakure personally so that no strange incidents can occur again. She said that I was the best person for the job because I am "smart and experienced, unlike 'that blonde-haired idiot.'"
I hope you're okay and that you didn't run into any problems.
Your friend,
Gaara
Damn that Obito and the rotten luck that he seemed to have passed onto Naruto from beyond the grave.
He'd never imagined that he'd somehow be spending the summit in Suna hiding out in an underground bunker with Gaara, Lee, and the other Kage.
Lee tapped his fingers against the iron walls impatiently.
"Gaara-kun, can we go yet?" Lee asked for what must have been the fifteenth time in the half hour they'd been stuck there.
"No," Gaara replied with what must have been inhuman amounts of patience. "The sandstorm will only subside in three hours. Until then, we're stuck here."
"This is so dull," Darui muttered. He absentmindedly stroked his white beard and drummed his fingers against the armrest of his wooden chair.
"Don't you Suna people, I don't know, stock up on anything in these bunkers?" Kurotsuchi asked. "I mean, you could include some magazines or TV or something to kill time."
"Tsuchikage-sama!" Lee yelled. "Let the flames of youth overtake you during trying times of boredom! For example, right now, I will do three hundred push-ups for each hour we have to spend in here!"
He got down on the floor and began exercising with gusto, hollering, "Three hundred push-ups in the name of youth!"
Chojuro stared at Lee with a mixture of bemusement and fear.
Kurotsuchi turned to Naruto.
"What happened to those other two people you usually bring?" she asked in a low voice. "Shizune and Shikamaru?"
"Shizune nee-chan is on a trip with baa-chan and Shikamaru got sick with the flu," Naruto whispered back.
"Couldn't you find anyone who isn't obsessed with youth and springtime?"
Naruto sighed. "Lee's all right, you know. I mean, he's a good bodyguard and, well...he was the only one who wanted to come with me."
"Yeah, yeah, okay." Kurotsuchi leaned against the wall. "You and your friends sure are weird, you know that?"
He laughed softly as Gaara called everyone into a huddle.
"In the interest of conserving time and energy, I think we should decide right here and now about where to host the upcoming Chuunin Exams," Gaara said. "We can leave quickly and you all can return to your villages after the sandstorm abates."
Naruto and most of the other Kage found themselves nodding their heads in agreement. Everyone except...
"But how can we decide so quickly?" asked Chojuro. "The Chuunin Exam selection is a long and time-consuming process, Kazekage-sama. We can't just arbitrarily – "
"Rock, paper, scissors!" Lee yelled enthusiastically.
Chojuro blinked.
"I...beg your pardon?"
"Rock, paper, scissors," Lee repeated. "It's how Guy-sensei and Kakashi-sensei always decide on difficult decisions! The Chuunin Exam selection can be decided with a game of rock, paper, scissors!"
Chojuro gaped at Lee in shock. "Are you out of your mind?"
"I think it's a good idea," Gaara said.
Chojuro proceeded to gape at Gaara in shock. "Are you out of your mind?"
"Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best ones," Gaara said serenely. "Well, shall we do it?"
"Oh, what the hell. Why not?" said Kurotsuchi.
"ROCK!"
"PAPER!"
"SCISSORS!"
Naruto lost. The upcoming Chuunin Exams and the Five Kage Summit were thus scheduled to take place in Konoha.
Kurotsuchi was smug.
"Since everything's gonna happen in your village, excuses will not be excused, Naruto!" she gloated.
Kakashi-sensei chortled through a mouthful of ramen. "That bad, huh?"
"Yep," Naruto said.
He stirred around the toppings in his ramen, and then took a sip of broth.
"Demon sharks, ultimate frisbee contests, Reverse Summoning Jutsu, sandstorms, and rock, paper, scissors," Kakashi mused. "For me, it was evil weapons dealers breaking into the summit, Pakkun getting sick and throwing up on Onoki, taking a detour into the Land of Noodles..."
"Land of Noodles?" Naruto asked excitedly. "That seems fun."
Kakashi-sensei smiled nostalgically. "Yeah."
"Kakashi-sensei, do you think that I'll ever be on time to the summits? Or will I channel Obito's spirit for the rest of my life?"
"Who knows?" Kakashi shrugged.
"But the curse might not be too bad if I get lost in the Land of Noodles too, ya know."
If he was going to end up late to everything, he might as well enjoy the ride.
Yes, in theory, since Naruto was to remain in his own village to host the summit, he should not have been late.
In practice, that was the day that Boruto decided to deface the Hokage Monument.
Naruto wasn't too bummed out, though.
Being Hokage wasn't about finding the easy path, but about how to navigate the rugged one.
And Obito, no matter how much he got lost along the path of life, managed to find the correct way in the end.
Naruto would be the same.
A/N: Hello everyone! Hope you enjoy this little crackfic. It's meant to be a sequel to my other one-shot "Hot-Blooded Bodyguard," in which Kakashi also gets into some bizarre situations as the Hokage!
Reviews would be great! :)