This was just something kicking around in a notebook. Hope you like it. Reviews are good.
"Al I can't marry you, cause I'm not in love with you."
I had uttered those words to him after mulling over a marriage proposal. Yes thinking about all that could be offered for me, my child as well as my unborn child. It was a proposal at the hospital after I was rushed there thinking I was in labor. A proposal after the fact he; good ol Dr Al wanted to pay for me to have an abortion. I don't know what turned him around to wanting the baby but..
He looked at me and he had this crazed look in his eyes. I knew I was in deep shit. I honestly didn't know what to expect. I had good reasoning for that, cause next thing I knew I was on the floor, in tears, shock and pain. I reached for my phone, fretting cause I couldnt find it. I needed to protect myself, my daughter and my unborn child. Next thing I heard was...
"Hewo... I need my Auntie Livia. Mama is hurt and needs help."
The dispatcher was trying to find out who 'Olivia' was, but she also knew by the tone of the voice that the girl was a very young girl. She asked the young girl who her auntie was.
"My Auntie Livia is a powice officer. Tell her we need help. Mama has baby."
Just then Al had heard Jesse and went after her. Now mind you this is a grown man going after a toddler. Amanda yelled "AL LEAVE HER ALONE." That was it he back tracked and hit Amanda, the hit forcing her head back into the table, knocking her out. Jesse screamed "MAMA" Thankfully still on the phone the dispatcher heard her the commotion, she called for an ambulance since she put a trace on the cell phone the little girl was using. The ambulance showed up shortly after and had taken the little girl and her mama to the hospital.
Hospital...
Olivia had finally been found and notified. She rushed to the hospital, her heart breaking for Jesse. The little girl seeing all of this, her mama being hurt and having to be taken to the hospital and the fact that she was looking for her Aunt Livia to help her feel safe.
Jesse had been sitting with a nurse at the station just before the rooms. When the little girl saw her auntie walking towards the station she ran to her before the nurse could catch her.
"Auntie Livia, Auntie Livia, I tried to find you. I called 911 like mama taught me." she started to cry. "Al hurt mama. He hit her two times and went to hit me. Then she went to sleep."
Olivia picked up the little girl who she considered her neice, holding her tightly doing her best to comfort her. She talked to the nurse who told her that Amanda and the baby were okay. It had taken a bit to wake her up, but she was awake now and they were currently running tests. She told Liv that she had kept Jesse with her so that the little girl wouldn't be further traumatized.
"I appreciate that very much and so will her mother. Am I able to see her?" The nurse said she could since Amanda had woken up and was asking where her daughter was. "I'll bring you to her room." The nurse walked them to Amanda's room, as soon as Jesse saw her mom she squealed "Mama". She got Liv to put her on the bed with her mama. Liv telling the little girl to becareful of her mama. Amanda looked at Olivia. Her voice scratchy when she spoke
"What are you doin here Liv?" Jesse had placed herself in Amanda's lap, hugging her mama and Amanda hugging her back.
"Well your smart daughter here called 911 when Al attacked you. She told the 911 dispatch operator that she was looking for her Aunt Livia who is a police officer telling the woman that her mama was hurt and had a baby."
Trying To Take It All In...
Amanda was trying to wrap her head around what happened. It wasn't easy with a pounding headache and a clingy toddler that wouldnt leave her mother's side.
"So um..." Amanda was embarrassed as all hell for a few reasons. The main one being that her young daughter has witnessed her getting assaulted. Thankfully not sexually but assaulted none the less. The physical was enough. She had been the reason that her daughter was traumatized. "So um... What... What all do you know about what happened?" The blonde woman asked as she was looking at Olivia from the hospital bed with utter embarrassment and humiliation in her eyes.
Olivia felt bad for Amanda. "Look let's not get into this here. You can talk when you're ready." Just then the nurse came in and did her routine tests, telling Jesse what she was doing since she saw the little girls eyes watching her every move. Then telling Amanda that there was no significant damage, but a mild concussion. Also told her that due to the pregnancy and dangers of dizzy spells they were not able to release her to go home unless she had another adult with her. Just out of precaution for her and the unborn child.
Amanda glared at the nurse. "Are you fucking kidding me? I am a grown ass adult." Olivia spoke quickly to appease the nurse. "She and Jesse won't be alone." Amanda spoke up "Liv, no." Olivia covered Amanda's mouth "Hush, you and Jesse are staying with me. Start the discharge paperwork please." The nurse nodded and left since Olivia had covered Amanda's mouth with her hand and hadn't removed it so Amanda stuck her tongue out and licked Olivia's hand. Olivia moved her hand quickly and scowled "What the hell? Really, you licked me?"
Amanda laughed and was quite proud. "You were covering my mouth, I couldn't breathe. Would you have rathered I bit you?"
Olivia shook her head, waiting for the nurse.
"I know you're going to fight me with this, but I want you and Jesse to come stay with me. Amanda, you can't chase after her while you're getting back on your feet. A couple days at most. Plus they won't release you if you're going home alone. Jesse needs her mama tonight."
Amanda put her head in her hands. Olivia was right. "But I don't want me and Jesse to put you out." Olivia looked at Amanda. "Not in the least, it'll be fun for her and it will take her mind off today." Amanda looked at Liv just as the nurse comes in with the paperwork. "So Miss Rollins will you be indulging in our hospitality for the evening?" Jesse clung to her mama.
"Mama tell her no. I want to stay with you, and Auntie Livia. Please mama." Jesse began to cry once more, holding onto her mothers arm, she didnt want to be separated from her mama. Amanda hugged her daughter in attempt to get her to calm down. "My babygirl, it's okay. Mama's here. Mama's got you." While Amanda focused on Jesse and getting her to calm down, Olivia told the nurse that both Amanda and her daughter would be staying with her for a few days. The nurse was happy to hear that. Now to break it to Amanda. She looked at Amanda comforting Jesse. She chose now to speak up.
"Jesse, sweetheart, you can cuddle mama as much as you want. You'll be with her." Jesse looked at her aunt.
"I stay here in hospital wif mama?" Jesse looked at Amanda. "I stay wif you?" Amanda scowled at Liv.
Recouperating With Loved Ones...
Liv looked at Amanda, smiling cause she had gotten her way. "Amanda I offered and you didn't say no. Plus I don't think Jesse needs to be separated from you tonight. What if she has a nightmare and you're not there? Amanda she'd lose it. At least you both will get good sleep and I won't give you paid vacation days." Amanda sucked her teeth
"That's playin' dirty Liv. Real dirty. I just don't want us to imposition you and I hate needing the help. You know this."
The nurse came and gave Amanda her discharge papers, telling Amanda she was free to go when she was ready. Jesse was clinging to her mama and Amanda was kissing her head.
"Jess my baby girl, I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you. I promise. I promise my baby girl."
Olivia got them to the car. Thankful for having Jesse's spare carseat in her car. She got Jesse all settled and buckled in. Then helped Amanda. Jesse still fretting cause she wasn't close enough to Amanda. Liv talking softly as Amanda had fallen asleep. Olivia's heart hurt for what Jesse had endured and witnessed. She decided to bring the little girl for icecream, it wasn't much but it was something good for the little one to enjoy. She text Lucy to tell her so she and Noah wouldn't worry. Liv got Jesse some icecream. You could tell she was worried about her mama. In the back of Liv's mind she wondered just how much Jesse had witnessed prior to this incident. No she didn't blame Amanda, not one bit. She knew Amanda guarded the little girl with everything she had.
"Auntie Livia, will Noah play wif me? I want to be silly and play." Olivia looked at her in the rearview mirror. "He sure will sweetheart."
They got to Olivia's a short time later. Jesse went right to play with Noah, though before she did she gave both Olivia and Amanda hugs. She went easy on her mama cause she knew her mama was sore. Olivia got Amanda settled on the couch while Jesse and Noah played. Thankful and grateful that her son was such a kind soul.
"Amanda do you want anything while I'm up? I have tea, water and juice. I don't think having alcohol is in your best interest considering the concussion and the fact that you are pregnant."
Amanda winced at the pounding of her head. When she went to speak her voice was soft. "I'll take some juice please and some ibuprofen if you have it." Olivia had brought over the juice to Amanda, Amanda thanked her. Then Liv told her she neded to go to the medicine cabinet to get the ibuprofens. Thankful that Amanda could take them being pregnant. As she could hear the kids talking. Noah being comforting to Jesse as they played their game. He was just letting her talk. Jesse's voice so little and scared.
"Noah, you can't tell your mommy."
Noah looked at Jesse, knowing he couldn't keep a secret if it was something bad. "Jesse, mommy told me after I didn't tell the whole reason at school when my arm was bruised, that I need to tell the whole truth."
He looked and saw Jesse crying "Jesse, if Mr. Al is hurting your mama, that's wrong."
Telling Someone What Happened....
Jesse looked at Noah, she knew he cared about her. Liv was listening to the conversation. She hated eavesdropping but she was worried about Jesse just as she was Amanda.
"You hafta promise not to tell Noah. Mama doesn't know I was listening when I wasn't asposed to."
Noah put his hand on Jesse's shoulder. "We all do that. We are kids. Jesse you're my friend. Tell me what's wrong. I don't like seeing you sad."
The little girls voice soft as she spoke. "It's not the first time Mr. Al hurt mama." Jesse cries more. "It's the first time she didn't wake up and we had to go for a ride."
Noah took the upset little girl who was his close friend into his arms for a giant hug. "It'll be okay Jesse, I promise."
Jesse stayed in Noah's arms for a few minutes. He loved his little friend and wanted her safe. Olivia had tears in her eyes after hearing Jesse's omission. Al really was a bastard. Now to talk to Amanda without her getting defensive.
She was brought back to the present when she heard a small pained voice asking for the drink and medication. "I've got it sweetheart. I'll be right there, I was just checking on the kids." She went over to the couch where Amanda was sitting.
"How are you feeling?" She looked at the blonde as she handed her the juice and medication.
Amanda took the pills and swallowed the drink before she answered. "My head feels like someone has taken a jackhammer to it." She took another sip of her juice before setting the cup down.
"How are the kids getting along?"
Olivia told her they were getting along well and playing video games.
"Speaking of the kids Amanda. When I was getting you the medicine and juice I overheard the kids talking. Now I'm not one to eavesdrop but one thing caught my attention and that was something Jesse said to Noah." She saw Amanda give her that look, was her infamous warning look. Olivia didn't let that deter her one bit. This was too important.
"Amanda you can give me that look all you want. It's not going to deter me at all. Point of the matter is Jesse called 911 looking for me cause you had been hurt by Al." Amanda glared, she didn't like being called out or put on the spot. She kept up the dirty glare as she didn't want to talk about her failures. Olivia in turn returned the dirty glare.
"Amanda, I respect you as my friend, as a detective and now as a mother. So here it goes. Jesse was telling Noah that, that wasn't the first time you had been hurt by Al. It was just the first time you went to sleep. It's a good thing she called looking for me. Really. Cause seriously Amanda what would you have done if the hospital or EMT's called CPS?"
Dangerous Reality... Situations Alike...
Amanda turned her face away from Olivia. She never had that thought cross her mind. She was trying to do the best she could for Jesse and this unborn child she was carrying.
Her voice was soft, and tear-filled "You are right. I was an irresponsible ass where Al came into play. Now Jesse is afraid. Traumatized even." She put her head in her hands and started to cry, which made her head pound even more. Liv scooted closer to Amanda, placing her hand on her arm for acknowledgement.
"Amanda it wasn't your fault. He shouldn't have put his hands on you in the first place. You are pregnant with his child whether he wants this baby or not. Were you scared to try and call for help, or were you unable to get to your phone? Again I must say Jesse was very smart to call 911. I'm just trying to get the bigger picture here of what went on. Honey we have all been in situations that we wish we hadn't put ourselves or others in, especially our children. Don't blame yourself for Al's bullshit. Instead, sweetheart pride yourself for teaching your daughter to call for help because you got hurt."
Amanda looked at her. Her damn head was pounding. She hoped the ibuprofens would kick in. She felt like shit. Her little girl saw her ex assault her on more than one occasion. How much damage was done to her daughter?
"I was trying to protect my daughter Liv. My god what if the hospital called CPS? I can't lose Jesse, Liv. I don't know what she saw and or heard. The fights got bad, real bad. They had a tendency to get physical." Amanda got quiet, almost reliving the fights. Liv could feel the pain in Amanda, but what Amanda didn't know nor anyone was that she knew first hand how it was to try and hide the abuse.
"Honey, I understand. I really do. I'm here. You can talk and or open up when you feel safe to."
Amanda did feel safer at Olivia's in this moment than she had in a while. She didn't have to fear the next argument. Olivia began to open up. She had never told this story, well the complete one anyway. She would though to help Amanda, to let her know she wasn't the only one to deal with this. That it didn't make her weak.
"Look Amanda I went through what you are when I was in college. Was dating this guy, he was no good but I was blind to it. Blind to how he regarded me and my feelings. Then the fights, those fights. Yes verbal, loud and demeaning. Just verbal stayed for a while. Then came the physical aspect. It was humiliating and I felt I deserved it. Amanda, I didn't deserve it and it took sometime but I was able to walk away. Not easy to do especially when it's drilled into your head that no other man would want me and so forth, but with time I overcame it. Look at where I am. I am captain of my squad. Helping victims get justice, working my way up from detective when I started. Moving my way up that ladder to higher ranks. Moved up to sergeant, then up to leiutenant, and then now to captain of the sixteenth precinct. The fact is my ex beat me, tore me down, beatings painful as anything. I got through it. Two things that separate us from that. First thing, I wasn't a mother and pregnant. I know that's hard and scary. But I also know you are a strong woman Amanda, very strong. And the second is you have people who have your back. Me being one of them."
Amanda nodded thankfully for Olivia really having her back. They had come a long way since she first came to Manhattan SVU. They had gotten close and Amanda trusted her. She did feel like a hypocrite though. She was just like the woman she despised. She had trash-talked her mother for being too weak to walk-away. She stayed just like her mother did. Therefore she was just like her.
Her voice tearful and broken when she spoke. "Olivia I'm just like her. I have one kid without a present father and carrying a second one that the father is abusive. What does that tell you? I'll tell you it makes me just like her. These kids are going to grow up in the same hell I did with Kim." Amanda looked at Liv who was sitting there listening to her, really listening.
Amanda got quiet, she kind of got inside her own head. Reliving the short-lived, drama-filled turbulent relationship with Dr. Al. Looking back after what just happened. She had gotten a loud wake up call. She fully remembered telling Olivia his full name and occupation. Now she knew why she did it.
"Olivia I'm seeing someone his name is Dr. Al Pollack and he's a cardiologist." Olivia had been happy to see Amanda had a good guy. Amanda thought so too, til she found the credit card receipts for prostitutes. Who woulda thought of hookers taking amex. They broke up for a bit only to get back together. What the hell had she been thinking? That was when the abuse started. First it was verbal. Then it got physical. The fights loud with alot of yelling. The confrontation of finding more proof he was cheating. Letting it go, feeling she didn't deserve better. When the fights got physical he made sure to keep the marks where they were hidden.
Memories of July fourth: Telling Olivia...
"We had gone to a friend of his for a barbeque and drinks. It was nice, first time I had met his friends and colleagues. I was mingling and having a good time. Nothing wrong with that, right? Plus I was able to drink cause Sonny had taken Jesse for me. Which I appreciated. So here I was just relaxed and kicking back. Al had been drinking with his buddies, I myself was happily working on my sixth or seventh beer but I wasn't keeping count. Hell I was there with my boyfriend and I wasn't driving. I was okay to let go or so I thought. What was the worst to happen? We go back to his place and finish off the night with hot and wild sex? Not a bad night in my eyes. Little did I know...
Al was off bullshitting with his friends so I had chatted with his two colleagues. We were hitting it off and were just having a good time. I was having a good time, his friends were nice. Working on another beer one of Al's friends came over, he was far more wasted than I was. He was telling jokes and hitting on me. I thought nothing of it. I was with Al. Al had been watching, not liking any of it. Even though he was talking to other women and copping feels he didn't like it when I did it. He had seen his friend get closer to me and I was his. What he saw next set him off.
The friend had been telling corny jokes that made me laugh. If I hadn't of been so drunk they probably wouldn't have been so funny, but I was so therefore they were funny. What I hadn't expected was the slap grab of my ass. Just as I was going to say something I felt another grab, this one on my arm, since I didn't respond to him. I felt another hard yank and an angry toned voice.
'We are leaving... NOW!' was the angry tone I heard. I felt the anger in the way he grabbed my arm. I tried pulling my arm away and stumbled. I was pretty drunk. He literally pushed me into the car. 'Buckle your belt now. I'm not getting a ticket for your drunk ass.' I listened. I didn't want to get into it in the car and be in a wreck. I did my best to soothe him. 'Hey we are going home Jesse is with her uncle for the night, so we can have a naughty sex filled night.' He gave me a dark look that made me shiver. His voice was filled with a dark anger.
'Oh yes, and it will be full of sex. You owe me especially for flirting with my friends.'
I knew I was in for a rough night. I wasn't against it, hell I usually like the rough nights with the love bites not blood drawing bites. We got inside and once again that demeanor changed. I told him to calm down and take it easy, he was going to get what he wanted. He shoved me onto the couch, not wanting to go to the bed. He pulled my pants down scratching my skin. I cried out that it hurt. He told me to shut up, that I owed him. I closed my eyes and let him continue. Man I thought I was drunk, he was a whole lot more drunk than I was. I could smell it as he clamoured on top of me. The weight of him made me grunt. 'Jesus Al take it easy.' Yeah I shouldn't have said that. Next thing I knew he had forced himself inside of me. I grunted in pain. I swear I felt my vagina rip open. That burning sensation also let me know he hadn't put on a condom. I again tried to say something to him and he told me to shut up that this was what I owed him for flirting with his friends. He thrust roughly a few more times and slumped. I tried to get him to pull out and it felt like he just bored himself further inside."
My eyes teared up telling Olivia this. It was a recount of the second most humiliating thing, being assaulted by your superior is one thing, but being assaulted by a partner is just... I continued on when Olivia put her hand on my back.
"I mentioned to him that there was a possibility of pregnancy. That it could happen with unprotected sex. He said to me that any pregnancy to come from this would be a bastard and would be dealt with by abortion. That's why I opened up to you at work about it. I wasn't trying to make you uncomfortable. I was scared, questioning my options and I still am. I'm already a mother of one without a father present, now I'm going to have two."
Comforting Her Friend...
Olivia looked at the blonde who was presently rubbing her belly. Her heart hurting for what her friend endured and just told her. Her friend was a strong woman and was still that same strong woman. She needed to know that and Olivia was going to let her know. She gave her alot of credit for holding it together. She really didn't know what to say to try and make it okay.
"Amanda, my god you have been through all sorts of hell. You haven't even begun to really process it. You're in the protective mode and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You're protecting Jesse for one and that little life inside of you. That's a true maternal instinct. You did right sweetheart. You put your kids before yourself. Amanda do you even realize how proud I am of you? I'm not just saying any of this to patronize you. I just want you to know that you are doing a good job. You are such a good mother to Jesse, you really are and I know your fear of being just like Beth Anne. Honey, you are nothing like her. You love your little girl and you love that little one in your belly."
Amanda teared up at what Liv had just said to her. It meant more than Liv would ever know.