Chapter Three: Shades of Green
Even though Santana had broken up with Brittany, it didn't stop her missing her every day like she did when they were together. She still used every excuse she could to go back to Lima and see her, whether that be agreeing to step in and play Rizzo in the McKinley Production of Grease or returning home for Thanksgiving.
But soon, she began to realise she was only making things harder for them both. She could see the hope in Brittany's eyes every time she returned, and she knew the blonde was still hopelessly waiting for her to rekindle what they had. And it took every fibre of Santana's being, not to kiss Brittany hard and tell her she still loved her, that of course they could get back together and they could make things work. But she knew she couldn't do that.
Breaking up with Brittany was hard, the hardest thing she'd ever dealt with in her life but being in a relationship with her where she barely got to see her, kiss her and touch her. A relationship where she knew her partner was 226 miles away hurting because of her, was even harder.
So, for Christmas, she went to New York, and she imposed herself on Rachel and Kurt. Anything to get her away from Lima, because she couldn't be around Brittany right now. She spent New Year's Eve back in Louisville, at some random college party, and made it her mission to get black out drunk. That was the night she had her first post-Brittany hook up. The second girl she had ever got with in her life. Just something to try and ease the ache in her heart, that still wasn't going anywhere even though she broke up with Brittany almost three months ago now. She was just a college girl experimenting, Santana making sure she completely took the lead, and she was pretty hot. But she wasn't Brittany.
There were more college hook-ups, but that's all they were. Santana never moved on properly because she quite simply couldn't. Her heart belonged to Brittany, and she was pretty sure it always would.
So, when Tina called in early February to tell her that Brittany was dating Sam, and had been for the past couple of months, she felt like the air was being sucked right out of her. And she was in the car driving back to Lima, before she could even think of an excuse. She dialled Finn on the way there and talked him into letting her and the UofL Cheer Team perform in Glee Club. He didn't need much convincing, turns out they were having a Diva week, and he joked about Santana being the biggest diva he knew, so it fit perfectly.
Then she had to actually round up the cheer squad to see if they'd come, lucky she was still friends with them being that she'd actually dropped out of school a month ago. She hated it there, but she couldn't just go back to Lima and tell her parents, she didn't want to upset them. Especially her mom, who she knew that despite giving her the money go to New York, was delighted when she had picked college instead.
She managed to round four of them up, with some classic Santana Lopez style bribery, and soon she was back in the familiar halls of McKinley, waiting for her moment.
She pulled Elaine aside before she went in, and she begged her to pretend to be her girlfriend, bribing her with scratchers tickets and an Ani de Franco shirt. Now she was here, she felt powerless and weak. She needed a pawn in the game. She needed to make Brittany jealous.
She wanted her back, and she didn't know how they were going to make it work, but she knew anything was better than seeing Brittany in love with someone else.
And she'd always told her it was okay to move on, she wanted her to be happy, and now she was taking it all back. But there was a huge difference between saying something, and then seeing it in person. It stung and it burned, harder than anything she'd felt before. It left a bitter taste in her mouth, and she needed it to stop. She needed her sweet, sweet Brittany back.
As she heard her cue, she waltzed in the room with such confidence, offering Brittany a small wave that said surprise baby. You wouldn't think that just moments before, she was stood weak in the corridor, knees buckling and heart palpitating out of her chest. She turned the sex appeal on, and she slipped all the little things that drove Brittany crazy into the routine. Plenty of hip thrusts, gyrating and booty shaking.
As she dropped to the floor, Brittany chewed her lip. She felt powerless. She had tried to push her to the back of her mind and focus on her new boyfriend, but now here was Santana. The love of her life, looking as hot as ever.
She felt so many emotions. Of course, she was so happy to see Santana, but she felt uncomfortable too, and also a little sad that Santana hadn't even told her she was coming to town. This was something she questioned her on when the performance was over, and she rose to her feet to applaud her. But Santana had simply bit back and asked why she hadn't told her that she was dating Sam.
And Brittany felt breathless. She could tell by Santana's defensive tone, that she had hurt her, and of course she had never wanted to do that. She had tried to tell her, because they kept in regular contact, but she could never find the words. She knew Santana wouldn't understand, and Brittany didn't even understand it herself.
She didn't love Sam, not really, not like she loved Santana. She loved him but…she wasn't in love with him. But she needed something to take away the pain of Santana breaking up with her, a distraction of sorts. Sam just so happened to be it.
At some point in the past couple of months, she had stopped fighting for Santana back, because she knew Santana was stuck in a rut. She knew she had dropped out of college. She knew she was feeling lost with what to do in life. It would be easy for her to just tell Santana to come back to Lima and for them to live happily together again, but that wouldn't be helping Santana, not really.
She needed Santana to grow and to follow her dreams, but she knew if they were to get back together, Santana would never do that. And it was painful, but it was love. She could only hope that one day, they would find their way back to each other again.
She didn't know why she was so shocked when Santana revealed she had a girlfriend. She had moved on, so why couldn't Santana? But it hurt. It hurt her so much that she had to look away as they kissed. And as everyone around leapt up to praise Santana on her performance, all Brittany could do was sit there with the tears in her eyes and swallow the lump that had formed in her throat.
And she saw the doubt in Sam's express, that had made its way onto his face as soon as Santana had walked in. She knew that he knew she still loved Santana. She always would, and nothing was going to change that. She distanced herself from him subconsciously. Her head was an absolute mess. And of course, he noticed, and he confronted her. He outright asked her if she was upset about Santana being back, as if he really needed to ask that question. Of course, she was upset.
And of course, Sam had to go and call Santana manipulative, it was the one thing everyone said about her. And she looked at him warningly. Nobody knew Santana like she did. She said the same thing to Sam that she did to Artie, Santana wasn't manipulative or a bad person, she was just hurting.
She admitted to Sam that she was confused, and she didn't feel guilty for it.
Then she made it her next mission to go and speak to Elaine. She wanted to veto this new girlfriend of Santana's, make sure she was good enough for her and was treating her well. It only took two minutes of conversation for Brittany to establish that Santana was just bribing Elaine to pretend. Now Brittany was more confused than ever. She knew she needed to do something to help the lost Latina.
A couple of days later, she texted Santana to come and meet her, and she prepared for a hard conversation. One where she was going to set Santana free, the hardest but best act of service she'd ever do for her. The purest form of love.
Santana entered the room confident, assuming Brittany had called her here to tell her that she'd broken up with Sam. It tore Brittany up inside having to tear that confidence down and tell Santana she really liked Sam and was going to stay with him. It almost felt like a second break up. She watched as Santana's demeanour hardened, and she turned defensive, the way she always did when she was hurt. She closed her eyes hearing her say she was taken, knowing now that it was just lies.
"I know that you're not dating Elaine" Brittany said carefully as she told Santana how she knew all about the scratcher's tickets and the Ani de Franco shirt, and that she also knew Santana had dropped out of school. And Santana's defensiveness only grew, as she smugly announced that Sue had offered her a job to take over the Cheerio's. This was when Brittany knew she needed to get real with Santana. She needed to be the one to push her to go for her dreams. If she didn't, this heartbreak they were both feeling over losing each other, seemed even more pointless.
So, she encouraged her, and she felt Santana start to soften as she listened to her. She took her into a hug that lasted way longer than necessary, neither of them wanting to let go. They both beamed as they felt each other's embrace, the only genuine smile that either of them had smiled for months.
Santana closed her eyes in bliss, as she ran her hands all over Brittany's back, needing to touch as much of her as possible without being inappropriate. This was home for them. This was paradise. But it was bittersweet.
When they finally did pull apart, they kept their contact by holding hands, neither of them ready to fully let go yet.
And though they were no longer in a relationship, their love languages were still singing. Brittany had helped Santana once more, in encouraging her to chase her dreams and go to New York. And, as always, for Santana it was words;
"You really are a genius Brittany." She smiled "…and you're my best friend"
And it hurt to say those words, so she swallowed to rid herself of the lump in her throat, determined not to cry. It hurt because, although Brittany was her best friend, she wanted her to be more than that. She meant more than that. She forced a smile as she looked into Brittany's eyes, finding herself getting lost in there as usual, before she couldn't control herself any longer.
She leaned forward to place a soft peck on Brittany's lips. It was completely innocent, but it was needed, and it was important for both of them to have that physical touch.
And when Brittany had finally left, Santana watched her go with a sigh as she tried to compose herself. This hurt so much, but she knew that Brittany was right. She needed to go and chase her dreams, and before she knew it, she had booked flights to New York and had moved in with Kurt and Rachel before she could get cold feet and change her mind.
Knowing Brittany had Sam now, she knew there was nothing here for her anymore, and it was time to truly move on.
Of course, this was easier said than done, and watching the two of them together at Will and Emma's wedding a week later, was so gut wrenchingly hard for Santana. She was just so happy to have Quinn there with her. The two of them spent the reception laughing away, drinking wine and just being their flawless selves, judging everybody around them. The wedding hadn't even gone ahead so…there was a lot to judge.
And when Quinn had told her that she was killing it in the red dress she was wearing, her hand lingering on her arm for just a minute too long, she was taken aback. Was Quinn flirting with her?
They drank more and more wine, mixed with some cocktails, and got progressively more drunk. As Finn and Rachel took to the stage to perform a ballad, in true Finchel style, she grabbed Quinn to slow dance with her. Anything to take her eyes off Sam and Brittany romantically waltzing around.
"I've never slow danced with a girl before" Quinn admitted in Santana's ear, and Santana pulled back to look at her.
"I like it" Quinn smiled, her face wearing a mischievous glint.
And Santana's eyes narrowed as she sized the girl up. She was definitely flirting with her.
And soon, fuelled by alcohol, they were giggling away by the front desk as they booked a room for the night. They both knew full well what was going to happen. As they crashed down the corridor, laughing hysterically together, Santana found herself feeling happy and carefree. The first time in ages she hadn't thought about Brittany.
She knew it was a momentary feeling, as soon as her and Quinn were done, thoughts of Brittany would come flooding back. The pain of losing her, still there in her heart. And she knew the only reason she was sleeping with Quinn, was to stop her mind wandering and thinking about what her and Sam were getting up to in the hotel room that they'd booked.
But it was a good distraction, good enough for them to do it twice. And Quinn was attractive, and they'd had fun.
But as she suspected, now it was over with, her mind was on Brittany again.
As if Quinn could read Santana's mind she asked;
"Are you going to tell Brit about this?"
Santana sighed thoughtfully.
"I'll probably have to, I can't lie to her" she shrugged, before remembering Quinn wasn't 'out' to anyone, whatever her sexuality may be "unless you have a problem with that of course" she added carefully. She knew damn well how hard it was to be outed, and as much as she loved Brittany, if Quinn didn't want anybody to know, she of course wouldn't tell anyone.
Quinn shook her head
"No, it's okay, you can tell her. I don't mind people knowing. Everyone in Glee Club gets around with each other" she laughed slightly "To be honest, I'd feel too guilty if we just carried on as normal and never said anything to Brittany. What with the three of us always being quite close, it would feel wrong for Brit to be in the dark over it"
"I agree" Santana nodded
"I just hope she doesn't hate me for it. Because she sure as hell won't hate or direct any of her anger at you" Quinn laughed
"Maybe not" Santana shrugged in agreement "but you know, she is in a relationship with Sam. If we're really getting into the logistics of things, he is my ex-boyfriend. Okay I know it doesn't really count because I'm a lesbian but…when you look at it that way, that the love of my life ex is now shacked up with my other ex, it makes me feel less guilty about this"
"Love of your life?" Quinn raised her eyebrow questioningly, the glint in her eye returning. She was always very good at reading people.
Santana looked down embarrassed but nodded her head to answer Quinn's question.
"Always has been, always will be"
"I don't get it Santana. She's the love of your life, but you break up with her over an "energy exchange". I mean, surely you could have made it work?"
"Who told you that?" Santana frowned. Wondering how Quinn knew the fine details of their break-up, down to the excuses she had given.
"Brittany of course" Quinn replied, before shaking her head at Santana with a laugh "What you don't think Brit and I have our own separate chat and speak as much as you and I do?"
It was a rhetorical question. Of course Brittany and Quinn would speak separately outside of the group WhatsApp they shared, and Brittany would probably confide in her. They were close friends too.
"It wasn't "the energy exchange" as the main reason for why I broke up with her" Santana sighed sadly "is that really what she thinks?"
Sure, Santana had thrown the energy exchange thing in there because she needed a reason to break up with her, and there wasn't a real enough reason. But she also thought she had made it pretty clear that her main reason for breaking up with her was because the distance was too hard for her. In hindsight, she wished she'd have known that seeing her with Sam was going to hurt 1000 x more.
Quinn looked at Santana questioningly, silently urging her to continue.
"I broke up with her because of how insanely in love with her I was, and still am now. You don't understand how much it was killing me Q. To have to go weeks without seeing her, snatched moments here and there, when we were used to spending every day together. Both of our lives were busy and going in different directions, and we couldn't have each other's undivided attention anymore. Friday's used to be our date night when I lived in Lima, and do you know how much I used to hate Friday's when I moved to Louisville? Like I literally used to cry every time a Friday came around thinking about how much I wanted to be with Brittany. I just I…I couldn't do it. It was just far too hard having to be away from her, to not be able to spend any time with her or see her or touch her. I couldn't even bare to speak on the phone because none of it felt enough. Every time I did…I just felt empty with how much I missed her and wanted her there"
Quinn placed a comforting hand on Santana's arm, as she watched Santana grow more and more emotional. It was evidently still very raw for Santana.
"There wasn't even an energy exchange, not really" Santana shrugged "I just needed a cop out excuse, and that was it"
"Does she know though? The real reason for why you ended things?" Quinn asked.
"I did touch on it. I don't know if she really gets it though, that might explain why she's clung to the energy exchange thing. I mean I understand, because I don't get it myself either. If you're happy and in love with someone, why would you break up with them? But I just couldn't carry on like that, not knowing when I'd next see her. And I knew it was hurting Brittany too and I hated that. I wanted to set her free, let her move on and be happy"
Santana explained, as Quinn listened carefully to her heartbroken friend.
"It's funny we did this quiz once about the different love languages and what ours were. Turns out that apart from Physical Touch, we're both really different, complete opposites. But we became really good at giving the other what they needed. Quality Time was one of my big ones but, once I moved to Louisville, Brit obviously couldn't give that to me. Her love languages were different so maybe she could have powered through, but I just couldn't. Breaking up with Brittany was the worst day of my life, and I still love her so much. It really hurts seeing her with Sam, even though I just want her to be happy" she admitted.
"If you feel this way, can't you just reach out to her? Make a go of things again?"
Santana shook her head, things weren't that simple.
"She's with Sam now. And I'm in New York, further away from her than ever" Santana let out a long, sad sigh.
"You know, it's funny. I watched you two for years, knowing how you felt about each other, feeling like a constant third wheel, silently willing you to realise that you loved each other and to get together. I was so happy when you did, and now we're here and we've come full circle. I'm waiting for you to realise again, how you need to be with each other" Quinn said softly, before adding;
"She still loves you, you know"
Santana let out a sad smile. She wasn't surprised by it, not really. She knew that a love like theirs wasn't going to just fade away so easy, but it was still nice to hear. Although it was tinged with sadness.
"It just seems so sad. Both of you so sad and heartbroken. Both of you still so in love, but not able to be with each other"
"It is sad…" Santana nodded. Sad wasn't even enough to cover how awful all of this was.
After a short, sad, silence, Santana felt Quinn take her hand and give it a squeeze.
"You'll find each other again" she smiled knowingly "I'm so sure of that"
And all Santana could do was squeeze Quinn's hand in return and pray that she was right.
Brittany was sitting at the table at the reception, Sam chatting away to her, as she absent-mindedly nodded along, giving the occasional "mm-hm".
"Brit…you're not even listening to me, are you?"
"Totally" Brittany nodded, keeping her eyes peeled on the door that led to the hallway, before realising what he had said "What…oh…sorry. Sorry Sam I just got a little distracted" she shrugged
"Everything okay?" Sam raised his brow in concern
"Yeah babe, everything is fine" she smiled. And luckily, Sam didn't know her well enough yet to question her on this. Then, she finally saw Quinn emerge, looking both shady and smug as she weaved her way in-between wedding guests.
Brittany looked at her watch estimating a three-minute wait time for her ex-girlfriend to make her appearance, and like clockwork, a sheepish looking Santana emerged when the three minutes were up. Brittany watched as she smoothed her dress down and swallowed nervously, as she was greeted by Mike.
"Hey! Where did you get to!?" she heard him say
"I'll tell you where she got to" Brittany said quietly to herself, but not quietly enough.
"Did you say something babe?" Sam asked
"Uh…yeah…I just said, I think I'm going to go and speak to Santana for a bit, I haven't really seen her all night since she's been so busy with Quinn" she smiled, hoping he wouldn't pick up on her sarcasm at the end. And of course, he didn't.
All night she had watched as Quinn and Santana had flirted together. She had tried to tear her eyes away but, it had proved difficult when they were being so obvious about it. She had wondered at one point if Santana was just trying to make her jealous again, like she'd done with Elaine. But she knew as she watched Santana, that she was actually enjoying it, and she couldn't help but let her mind run away with her.
What if the two of them were going to be together now, and Brittany was going to be forced to see her ex and one of her closest friends together, in the way she wanted her and Santana to be?
What if she never got Santana back now?
What if Santana had wanted Quinn all along, but Brittany had been the easier option?
She shook her head to rid herself of the thought. Santana had loved her, Brittany knew that. Quinn was probably just some harmless fun for her. They weren't together anymore, and Quinn was attractive. Santana could do what she wanted, but it didn't stop the sting as she noticed them leave the reception in fits of laughter.
She knew where they were and what they were doing, and she knew they'd be back again. Quinn first, followed by Santana 3 minutes later. Brittany had secretly hooked with Santana enough times before they were official, to know exactly how long she'd leave it before following Quinn in.
She walked over to the Latina, making sure to give Quinn a knowing glare as she passed. And Santana must have sensed her presence from behind, because she turned, and she let out a shy smile.
"I wanted to dance with you, but you were missing" Brittany smiled simply, keeping her tone light. She was curious to see if Santana would tell her about Quinn.
"I was with Quinn…" Santana began, all of a sudden, the guilt was all consuming
"I figured" Brittany replied, with a slight raise of the eyebrow. That was when Santana knew that Brittany knew. She would have told her anyway, but she didn't expect it to be this soon after.
"Let's go talk somewhere" Santana offered, holding her hand out to Brittany, letting out a grateful smile when Brittany accepted and enclosed their palms.
Santana led them outside, into the chill February air. She still had the room but, she couldn't bring Brittany back there. Not when her and Quinn had slept together in it. Brittany was silent, and Santana didn't bite the bullet, as they found some stairs to sit on.
"It was just drunken fun…" she began
"Well, that makes another Unholy Trinity record" Brittany laughed sarcastically "We all sleep with Noah Puckerman in the same year, then we all sleep with Santana Lopez in the same year"
Then Brittany noticed the hurt flash across Santana's eyes, and she felt bad.
"Sorry" she apologised, her tone softening "I didn't mean that. I guess…I guess it just hurts you know?"
"What and it doesn't hurt me seeing you with Sam?" Santana bit back, before also realising she was being too harsh.
"Brit, it didn't mean anything, I swear" she sighed
"I know. It's just why Quinn? Of all the girls you could have Santana, why someone that I'm close friends with?"
"I didn't plan it Brittany. It just happened. She wanted to try being with a girl for a change and I wanted to…I wanted to take my mind off seeing you and Sam together. Thinking about what you'd be doing tonight, on Valentine's Day…" she trailed off
Brittany swallowed the lump in her throat. She knew neither Quinn or Santana would set out to try and hurt her. She couldn't really judge too much, considering she was with Sam. He was still one of Santana's friend, or at least he was before he had started dating her. Those two were actually an item at one point, albeit a very fake one, but the Glee Web was messy. Everyone got with everyone, and Santana had the right to get with whoever she wanted, as jealous as it made her.
"You know, I think about last Valentine's Day, and how happy we were" Brittany let out a sad smile, her voice wistful and reminiscent "If you could have told me then, where we'd be exactly a year later, I wouldn't have believed it"
Santana ducked her head, as a single tear made its way down her face.
"Me neither Brittany" she admitted.
Brittany observed Santana was shivering, so she took off her coat, draping it over the smaller girls' shoulders with a smile.
"You look like you could really use this" she said, and Santana let out a small laugh, before her face turned serious again.
"I really miss you Brit"
And Brittany smiled, as she realised that both of them were still using their love languages despite not being together. She was still doing things to help Santana, with little gestures like letting Santana wear her coat, and Santana was still using her words.
"I miss you too San"
One thing they both knew, is that they weren't the words they had really wanted to say. They had just substituted the word love for the word miss. The tension swilled around them, and Santana swore that if they stared at each other for much longer, they'd end up kissing. So, she forced her stare away and stood up.
"Let's go back inside and have that dance" she smiled, offering her hand to Brittany once more.
And once again, Brittany silently took it, the two of them heading back inside together.
It was an hour later, when Brittany was waiting for Sam to return to the table with their drinks, that Quinn finally approached her and took a tentative seat next to her. She looked at Brittany, who continued staring straight ahead.
"You know, don't you?" Quinn whispered quietly, and Brittany let out a sarcastic laugh once again.
"What, that you slept with the love of my life?" she replied, looking at Quinn knowingly. Quinn knew how Brittany felt about Santana still. "Yep, I know. How was she for you? Pretty great in bed, isn't she?"
Quinn felt her cheeks flush, her eyes widened. Brittany chewed her lip to stop herself saying anything more. She was really trying to be cool about all this, but she couldn't help the jealousy rising.
"Brit, I'm so sorry, it just happened. We never meant to…"
"It's okay Q, just save it" Brittany sighed "I've had this already with Santana. I know you didn't do it to hurt me or anything like that, but come on Quinn you know I feel about her"
"I do know how you feel, but you're not doing anything about it to fight for her back. You told her to go to New York, when she came back looking for you. Me drunkenly sleeping with her isn't going to change the fact you're not together. I don't want Santana in that way Brit, clearly not, but you do. So why don't you go get her?"
Brittany sighed; Quinn had a point.
"It's not that simple. You know if I'd have got back together with her, she would never have gone to New York. I needed her to chase her dreams, not me"
"But you are her dream Brit. Don't you see that? She still loves you, and she's in bits over you. And let's be honest, I was just a pawn in her game tonight, because she was so cut up about seeing you and Sam together"
Brittany looked down hurt. She wanted Santana back so much, but there was too much at stake. Sensing Brittany didn't want to talk about it anymore, Quinn changed the subject.
"But…me and you, we're okay?"
Brittany snapped out of her daze and swallowed, trying to get rid of the emotions that had built, before looking at Quinn with a watery smile.
"Yes Q, we're fine"