Chapter Four: Epiphany

Life went on. Santana headed back to New York and tried to busy herself, whilst Brittany focused on school, trying to better her grades and be happy with Sam. He was a nice boy, and so good to her. But he just wasn't Santana.

Life was pretty monotonous for them both, until that one day in early March. It had started out like any normal school day for Brittany, she'd had triple science and her head was hurting, but other than that the day was going okay. She had Glee Club next, and she knew that would cheer her up and get rid of the haze in her mind. She headed off to the bathroom first, and that was when she heard it. The gun shot.

And as soon as she heard it, her mouth went dry and she panicked. And she wanted to scream and run out to safety, but she knew she needed to be rational. She did what she knew she had to do. She stood on the toilet seat, stayed silent and waited.

All she could hear was the sound of her own heart, as the minutes painfully ticked by. Then she started thinking about Santana. How she may never get to see her again or hold her or kiss her. Or tell her that she loved her and that she had made a huge mistake telling her to go to New York. That she wanted her back, she wanted her forever.

She felt the tears silently run down her cheeks as she feared for her life, and when she heard the bathroom door open, she bit her lip to stop the sob escaping as she was forced with the very real reality of her life coming to an end and never seeing her loved ones ever again.

But then she heard Mr Schue call her name, and it was the biggest sigh of relief ever as she rushed out of the cubicle into his arms. She ran into Sam's arms too when she returned to the choir room, appreciative of the comfort, but she knew there was one voice that she really needed to hear right now. As soon as they were cleared and granted permission to leave, and after speaking with her parents, Brittany shakily dialled Santana's number.

"Brittany! Oh my God, Thank God you're okay!" Santana sobbed. She had found out about the suspected shooting from Kurt, and she had been anxiously pacing up and down waiting for news. Rachel and Kurt had tried to reassure her best they could, but it wasn't until now, when she could hear Brittany's voice for herself, that she could break down in relief.

"I was so scared San" Brittany sobbed, as she recounted the story of being trapped in the bathroom.

"If anything would have happened to you Brit, anything at all, oh God, I can't even…" Santana swallowed, her voice thick with emotion.

And even though it was Brittany who had been through the experience, it became apparent that it was Santana who was struggling with her emotions more.

"I can't lose you Brittany, I just can't" Santana started repeating frantically over and over.

So, Brittany found her strength, and she used the one thing that she knew would comfort Santana. Her words.

"It's okay, it's okay. I'm here. I'm safe now. I love you so so much Santana, I'm not going anywhere I promise. How could I ever leave you?"

And the next day the actions were reversed when Brittany received a loving gesture from Santana. A huge bunch of flowers with a simple note that read: For my beautiful brave best friend, who I love so much x

They completely took her by surprise and brought tears to her eyes. She didn't care that Sam was eyeing her suspiciously. There was nothing wrong about this, they only had the purest of intentions.

Although she couldn't deny that the school shooting experience had made her think that life was too short. What was the point in sitting around waiting for Santana to hopefully come back into her life? What if something ripped them apart before it was too late? But she had no idea how to even broach the subject now. They'd been broken up for five long months by this point, and Santana seemed happy in New York. She'd hated long distance before, so surely she would still hate it now that they were even further apart.

Santana was stuck in New York thinking the exact same thing. The fear of losing Brittany the other day had shot through her like a lightning bolt and made her whole body ache from head to toe. She couldn't do life without her, so why was she sitting around letting the love of her life slip further and further away. But she knew Brittany was with Sam now, and she seemed pretty happy. When she had tried to win her back before, she'd been rejected. What more could she do?

Instead, she threw herself into dating hot New York girls to take her mind off things. Nothing serious ever came of it, she was far too invested in Brittany still for that, but she was having fun. It was the beginning of April, officially 6 months since their break-up, and Santana was on her way for drinks with an insanely hot Choreographer, when she got the call from Sam.

"It's about Brittany" he had told her

"Obviously…" Santana had said sarcastically, waiting for him to get to the point

"Okay, she broke up with me" Sam said.

Santana's eyes widened. Brittany had broken up with Sam!? She tried to mask the glimmer of hope by putting on her most unbothered tone.

"Inevitably" she said, all the while trying to ignore the butterflies she felt in her stomach.

When Sam had confessed Brittany was acting really weird, that was all it took for Santana to cancel her date, and book flights straight back to Lima. By that evening, she was sat in Brittany's familiar childhood bedroom, trying to figure out just what was going on with her best friend.

Despite Santana's best efforts, Brittany was refusing to speak to her properly. Even when Santana got up to switch off the live stream that Brittany had set up, in an attempt to turn their reunion into an episode of 'Fondue For Two', Brittany still wasn't letting up.

"Brittany, stop it!" Santana said firmly "Seriously what the hell is going on with you!? You're acting like a completely different person, and it's making me sad"

She hoped bringing her own feelings into this would Brittany soften. It usually worked, but not this time.

"Well get over it, sadness is stupid" Brittany rolled her eyes.

And Santana was taken aback, because this just wasn't her Brittany. She was beginning to really worry about her now. She still loved Brittany so much, but she had to check herself to remain composure.

"Brit, I still care about you…" Santana shook her head "…As a person and as a friend and…this just isn't you"

Brittany let out a smile, her resistance cracking.

"What I'm about to tell you is going to change everything Santana…"

And as Brittany told Santana everything, about her early admission to MIT, neither of them could stop the tears.

"Brittany, this is amazing. I'm so proud of you" Santana said, taking Brittany into her arms and placing a soft kiss on the cheek.

"You always told me I was a genius" Brittany laughed through her tears, as they pulled away, arms still holding on to each other.

"That's because you are" Santana smiled lovingly, dabbing Brittany's finger with her nose, causing both of them to laugh.

"Why did you break up with Sam?" Santana asked, turning the conversation back to a more serious note.

"It wasn't fair to string him along long-distance" Brittany shrugged "I love Sam, but I'm not in love with him. Not like I love y…" Brittany trailed off, and Santana knew what she was going to say. She of course felt the same way, and she couldn't help but feel a tiny glimmer of hope knowing they'd be closer together again and knowing Brittany and Sam were over.

"You know, Boston is only three hours away…" Santana said, the question hanging in the air. She knew Brittany would understand what she was getting at.

"But it's still three hours" Brittany smiled sadly "more or less the same distance we had between us when you lived in Louisville…"

Santana nodded her understanding; she knew Brittany was right.

"That was hard enough, but with me in college I'd see you even less than we did then. The professors at MIT are going to be working me really hard. I'm not going to be like a normal college student, coming home on weekends" Brittany admitted, her tone dejected.

Santana wiped her tears and sighed. At this point it felt like they'd had three break ups. The goodbyes just kept coming, driving them further and further apart.

"I'll miss you so much Brit, but this is an amazing opportunity for you. I know that you're going to be amazing out there"

And Brittany's face crumpled as she fell into Santana's arms, because this was so bittersweet.

Brittany had put off telling everyone for as long as possible, but as they gathered in their show circle the next day at their regional's performance, she knew the time was right.

As she broke the news, everyone whooped and cheers, but it was Santana's proud smile that caught her eye and made her feel warm inside. Santana's approval was the only thing that truly mattered to her.

Saying goodbye to everyone was hard and emotional, and many tears were shed. The goodbye to Sam was harder than she anticipated. She knew she was breaking his heart, and she never wanted to do that. He had been a great friend to her these past four months, and his presence had helped dull the pain of losing Santana.

But of course, Santana was who her hardest goodbye was to, and so she saved her right until last. She tried to delay it as much as possible. As they stared at each other deeply, taking each other into a long embrace, they both cried heavily.

It was the unspoken silence that the two of them knew, that made this so difficult for them. It was truly the end of their relationship. Their lives were going in very different directions now, and it was the start of a new chapter for Brittany. Before, they could have clung to the hope that they'd find each other again. Maybe Brittany would move to New York after college, or the two of them would head somewhere new together. But not now. Not in this lifetime, were they going to find each other again, and it was an all-consuming grief for them.

And as they gripped on so tight, hugging each other with their whole body, Brittany began to speak. She had given everybody a little speech, and of course her most important words belonged to Santana. But Santana stopped her. Because for once, words were the one thing she didn't need from Brittany. She knew her so well by now, she didn't need to hear them. She knew what Brittany was feeling.

Hearing it out loud would only make things harder. For herself, and for Brittany. So, she stopped her. And the two of them poured all of their feelings into that embrace, until their emotions got the better of them and they had to pull away.

The New Directions smashed their performance, and Santana cried as she watched them. They won, and she was so happy that Brittany could go out on a high.

At the end of the performance Brittany sat on the stage one last time, taking everything in. The memories of her high school career flooded around her. Glee Club, Cheerios, friendships made, and of course, Santana. It was too sad to think about, and she suddenly felt weak. She didn't know how she was going to leave.

And as if she could read her mind, Santana suddenly appeared beside her and extended her hand. She pulled Brittany up, and poured all of her strength into her, in this incredibly sad moment. Silently, Santana walked Brittany out of the auditorium, knowing exactly what she needed.

"I'm really going to miss you" Brittany whispered.

Life got tough after that. It was Santana who found it the hardest at first, because Brittany was so consumed by her new life at MIT, she barely had a moment to think. But Santana felt she wasn't even doing anything of substance to warrant her being here in New York. She may as well go work in a diner in Massachusetts, at least she could be close to Brittany then.

She put herself out there for more auditions, and she landed a commercial with Yeast-I-Stat. It wasn't exactly the big dreams she had in mind, but it was a start. It was something.

She didn't speak to Brittany as much anymore, and that was hard. They still kept in contact, just not as often. Partly because Brittany was so busy at MIT, and partly because they truly knew it was over now. They needed distance between them to get over everything and truly move on.

Santana knew that as much as it pained her, one day she'd need to think less about hook ups and more about moving on to another relationship. She couldn't stay single and pining after Brittany forever. But the thought still made her sick inside, so she wasn't actively looking. She'd wait a while longer for that, her heart needed to heal first.

But love comes when we least expect it, and when a new girl started at the diner who Santana was pretty sure was a lesbian, she found herself staring at her from across the room on various occasions. And when she finally got around to talking to her, she found herself getting nervous around her and stuttering over her words. Her Gaydar had been correct, and the new girl Dani, did in fact love lady parts.

When Dani had asked about her past, she had told her the truth. She'd had a girlfriend, and she still loved her, but she knew it was over now. The tension between them throughout the shift was obvious, and at the end of it they had walked home together, and Dani had surprised Santana by planting a soft kiss on her as they stopped outside her apartment to go their separate ways.

The kiss caused Santana to smile shyly, and she felt a feeling that she hadn't felt inside her in a long time. Butterflies.

They began dating pretty quickly, and it wasn't that she expected to get into a new relationship just three weeks after her painful goodbye to Brittany, but for the first time she felt half happy again. And Kurt and Rachel had encouraged her not to let the opportunity pass her by when she actually liked this girl, so when Dani had asked just a few days after they met, to make their thing official, she said yes.

Dani was a really nice girl. She was attractive, she was blonde, but of course she wasn't Brittany. Thoughts of Brittany were never too far away. When she had returned to McKinley after the sudden and tragic loss of Finn, (a guy that despite her obvious anger towards him when he had outed her, had actually become a really great friend), she couldn't help but think about everything she had lost. Finn, Abuela…Brittany.

She decided she wouldn't be coming back to Lima for a while, and she threw herself back into New York life and her relationship with Dani. She worked hard on being happy and in the moment, and not comparing everything Dani did to Brittany. She was soft around Dani, but she didn't completely melt around her, like she did with Brittany. She didn't open herself up to saying lots of gushing heartfelt words, like she had with Brittany. But she did really like her, and she knew if she stuck with her, her feelings would grow, and she'd find happiness again.

As Santana began to climb towards happiness again, Brittany felt herself slipping the other way. Life at MIT was miserable and stressful, and far away from the expectations of college she'd hoped for. She wasn't even able to live and socialise with other students, the professors fearing she'd get distracted. Hearing from Kurt that Santana had started dating a new girl, was bittersweet for her. The sweet part being happy that Santana was finding her happiness and moving on, but for the most part, she was bitter. Knowing Santana was with someone who wasn't her, burnt and stung like nothing she'd ever felt before.

All the time alone, made Brittany do a lot of thinking about her old life and how much she missed it, especially Santana. It was just over 8 months now since the day Santana had broken up with her in the choir room, and it wasn't getting any easier. In fact, it only seemed to get worse for Brittany. Each day without Santana, felt like a day wasted.

And when she heard the news that the Glee Club was disbanding, and most of the Alumni were travelling back to McKinley for a reunion, Brittany knew she had to be there. Being back there would give her some happiness and some light relief, and she would get to see Santana again.

But when she got there, the reality of seeing her ex-girlfriend again after over two months of not seeing her, became too much to bear. She had waited so long to see her, but now she was here, she found herself keeping her distance.

But of course, Santana found her, both metaphorically and physically. Just like she always did.

Santana was worried about Brittany, because she instantly knew she wasn't herself. It hurt to hear how much Brittany was missing her old life, so Santana suggested that she, Brittany and Quinn did a performance together, just like the old days.

She smiled as she watched Brittany come to life, the music taking over her body as she danced. She loved watching her dance, so so much.

At the end of the performance, Santana of course had to verbally congratulate Brittany and give her some praise.

"Well…you were amazing as usual" she smiled sweetly. But Brittany was distracted and flustered.

"No, I wasn't! During the bridge I was out of sync 1/16th of a 7th step"

"What are you talking about?" Santana shook her head "You're the most amazing dancer I've ever met"

"No, I need to focus on what I'm good at" Brittany said firmly "Quantitative algorithms, and if there's any time left in the day, hosting my popular internet talk show" she sighed.

And with that, Brittany walked away, leaving Santana dumbfounded and worried for her best friend.

That worry only escalated, when she found Brittany in the courtyard the next day, directing the Chess Club with a megaphone.

"This is freaking me out" Santana told Brittany firmly "This is not you! You love to dance. And I know that you think that you're a little rusty right now, but you'll get it back"

She watched as Brittany stared straight ahead, her lips pursed, seemingly unsure.

"I'll prove it to you" Santana pressed "Let's…do a number together"

"No!" Brittany sighed "Those days are over; this is my life now"

And with that, she carried on her Chess game, as Santana sat dejectedly in thought. She knew that she needed to do something to help Brittany, after all the times Brittany had done things to help her.

From Brittany's perspective, Santana was just making things harder for her. She had come here expecting that seeing Santana and being around her friends would make her happier, but it was the opposite. It was just making her miss her old life more and realise how different her new life had become. Didn't Santana realise how hard it was for Brittany to be around her, knowing that she now belonged to someone else?

But Santana wasn't letting up, she had her grand gesture planned, by way of an intervention. She had learned over the years that telling Brittany wasn't always effective, showing her was. If she could show Brittany how dancing was who she was, maybe it would actually sink in for her.

Singing was always Santana's style more than dance, but this was about Brittany, so a dance duet it was going to be. She picked a song that meant a lot to them, a song that they had performed together before life got complicated. She had done the singing, and Brittany had done the dancing. Luckily, she could remember the choreography that Brittany had created perfectly. It was burned in her mind from the amount of times she'd watched her.

And Brittany had been reluctant at first, rolling her eyes at Santana's persistence, but as the Latina danced in front of her doing everything in her power to make her smile, she relented. And soon she was up on the floor with Santana, dancing alongside her much to Santana's blatant joy.

As they danced together, it felt like just the two of them in the room. It felt right, and it felt perfect. And as Brittany rolled into Santana one last time, enjoying the feeling of being dipped in her arms, she realised it was where she belonged. In Santana's arms, was where she wanted to stay, and she could see that clear as day now.