Chapter Five: Coming Home
Brittany spent the night mulling it over in her head, but she always came to the same conclusion. She loved Santana with everything, and she didn't want to carry on without her. They had obstacles, the distance was still there, and Santana had a girlfriend, but Brittany was sure what the two of them had, could overrule all of that. How could she leave here without trying?
The next day was a long one, but every time Brittany locked eyes with Santana, it just made her more and more sure. And as the two of them were finally alone in the choir room for the first time all day, talking about the misery of MIT, Brittany seized her moment.
"You need to be having a life" Santana told her "You need to be out in the world, going to restaurants and concerts and…and dating"
The trepidation in Santana's tone and the intense gaze she gave her, didn't go unnoticed by Brittany. And before she knew it, she was on top of her.
She kissed her so longingly, so desperate to remember the feeling of Santana's lips against hers. Her hand lightly cupped Santana's face, and as she felt Santana melt into the kiss, she stepped it up a notch and intensified it, pressing herself up against Santana as she went in for more. But then she felt Santana grab her hand and move away. And all Brittany could do was look at Santana as she panicked.
"It's a bad idea" she had said.
And Brittany felt guilty, for letting her body take over her and kiss Santana when she knew Santana had a girlfriend. But the spark she had felt was undeniable, and she knew that Santana had felt it too. That was when Brittany knew, she needed to tell Santana exactly how she felt.
It was now or never.
"It feels really good to be around you" Brittany admitted, thinking carefully about what she wanted to say "you make me feel like a girl again, like my body wakes up"
Santana shook her head, feeling jarred by both the kiss, and the revelation
"Please don't do this, okay?" she pleaded "I have worked my ass off to get over you"
Brittany stood, taking this as her cue to leave, but not before letting Santana know how she really felt.
"I really wanna be with you, Santana" she began, making sure she had Santana's full attention. She did, Santana's brown eyes were captivated, as she waited nervously for what Brittany was about to say "I've seen the world and…I'm sure now more than ever that, I belong with you. And I'm sure your girlfriend's…great, but…you can't recreate what you and I have"
And Santana sat, her heart beating out of her chest, as she heard Brittany say the words she had been longing to hear for so long. Her eyes never left Brittany's baby blue's, and suddenly, Brittany was moving towards her again.
"It's your choice" Brittany whispered, before placing a soft kiss on Santana's cheek. And as she pulled away, she lingered for just a moment too long. Long enough for Santana's eyes to wander from Brittany's eyes, down to her lips.
"If you want me, I'm here" Brittany said simply, before leaving Santana with her thoughts.
Santana tried to control her breathing, a million thoughts running through her mind. The main one being oh shit.
Santana went home, and she had a long hard think over everything. She was so mind-numbingly confused, that she hadn't even made the effort to text Dani back that evening. She felt guilty. Not only had she kissed her ex-girlfriend, she was now subconsciously ignoring Dani's messages. She text Dani back quickly with an excuse about having a migraine after a long day, and she needed to get some sleep.
But she didn't sleep, she just continued thinking. About Brittany, about their kiss, about the bolt of electricity that had shot through her body when their lips had touched. The way Brittany had so tenderly poured her heart out to her, knowing how much words meant to her. Santana just didn't know what to do. This wasn't part of her plan. They were supposed to be over for good.
She had a girlfriend now, and she was finally finding happiness, and her new relationship was uncomplicated and easy. She loved Dani, didn't she?
Wrong, she didn't. Not yet anyway. But they had only been dating two-and-a-half months. She was sure they could get there.
But with Brittany, it had been instant.
And she couldn't deny, she still loved Brittany so, so much. She'd never stopped, and she thought that was fair considering they had only been broken up for 8-and-a-half months.
For most of them, they were still dancing around each other, and it had only been the last couple of months that she'd actively tried getting over Brittany and moving on.
Now Brittany was here, and she wanted her, and Santana had longed for this day for ages. But she was scared.
Scared that Brittany didn't really want her back, that she just needed an escape from MIT.
Scared that even if they did get back together, they still had the distance between them that caused their break-up in the first place.
And ultimately, just scared to get her heart broken even more, when she had worked so hard on getting over Brittany in the first place.
And sure, she wasn't over her yet, but Santana knew if she stayed in her uncomplicated relationship with Dani, Dani could probably make her happy if she stayed with her long enough.
So, the next day as she walked into the choir room, and noticed Brittany looking at her hopefully from the back row where they always sat together, she deliberately avoided her gaze and went to sit next to Tina instead. She couldn't outright reject Brittany, but she knew this would send a message instead.
Brittany was dejected. She knew Santana had felt the connection between them when they kissed yesterday, so why was she ignoring it. She watched her, and she read her face. She knew that look very well, from their earlier days before Santana had accepted her sexuality and love for Brittany. Santana was confused, and she was battling with herself. But Brittany couldn't let her go without a fight.
Ignoring Santana's attempts to put distance between them, Brittany sat by her in the auditorium when they all grouped to watch Mercedes and Kurt perform. She wasn't going to let Santana push her away like she had done years ago. She felt Santana stiffen, as she sat next to her.
"Your new girlfriend" Brittany began, unable to say her name "Are you happy with her?"
Santana frowned, throwing Brittany a questioning look.
"Just…answer the question please" said Brittany
"I…well yeah…I'm getting there" Santana swallowed, before finding her words "She makes me smile yes, and she's good to me, and things are easy. Brit, I really don't want…"
"Do you love her?" Brittany interrupted
"Brittany…" Santana pleaded
"Please San. Just tell me. Do you love her…or not?" Brittany persisted.
She needed to know. If Santana was truly happy and in love with this new girl, then she would take a step back and let it be. But if Santana was just scared and pushing her away out of fear, staying with her new girlfriend because of this, then she'd keep fighting for her.
Santana hesitated, before slowly shaking her head, her eyes unable to meet Brittany's.
Brittany's suspicions had been correct, and she really had to try hard to hide the tiny smile that crept on her lips, at Santana's admission.
And as they watched Mercedes and Kurt perform 'I Am Changing', the lyrics made Brittany think about Santana even more, as she watched her carefully. She had to do something to show Santana how much she loved her, and to not be scared, they could make things work. She had hoped her words would be enough, knowing how much Santana valued them, but they hadn't been. Neither was the passionate kiss they'd shared.
As the song came to a close, a lightbulb went off in her head. It was time for her to use her own love language and pull out all the stops. She needed to get her girl back.
It was a busy night for Brittany, making preparations for the next day, and another sleepless night for Santana. Again, she had been a bad girlfriend to Dani today, and she hated herself for it. What made matters worse, was that Dani was so understanding. She had told her she was just busy with the Glee Club, and Dani had accepted that. She was so nice, and Santana didn't want to hurt her, but she was beginning to question her feelings in the relationship. If she liked Dani as much as she thought she did, she wouldn't be here thinking about Brittany.
But then Brittany was her first love, so maybe she was just confused?
The next day, Brittany had arrived to McKinley early, and she'd collared Quinn to help her with her master plan.
As they set up the last of the lilies, Brittany let out a nervous sigh.
"Do you think she's going to like it?"
"It's so profoundly you" Quinn smiled "I think she's going to love it"
"And…do you think it will work?" Brittany asked uncertainly, bringing her hand up to her mouth to chew at her thumb.
"I think she'd be crazy not to take you back after you've done all this" Quinn laughed, gesturing around the room, before her tone turned serious "You two are made for each other. Anyone can see that. She's yours Brittany, and she always has been. I'm pretty sure when she sees you standing her with all this, all of that Santana Lopez stubbornness will melt away. I've been waiting for the day you'd find each other again, and I have a feeling that today is the day"
"Thanks Quinn" Brittany smiled, a lump forming in her throat as she took Quinn into a hug.
"Right, I'm going to leave you to it" Quinn sighed happily, as she pulled away "Go get your girl Brit!" she winked, before heading out to commence the plan.
She got out just in time to find Santana walking through the entrance hall.
"Oh Santana, you're needed in the choir room" said Quinn casually, sauntering past without stopping for explanation. And as she turned the corner she stood against the wall and said a silent prayer, that Brittana would reunite today at last.
Confused, Santana headed to the choir room, and the sight that met her when she got there took her aback.
Brittany, sat looking beautiful as ever, surrounded by a multitude of white flowers.
"Oh my God" Santana looked around in amazement, unable to hide her smile "are these all lilies?"
What Santana had really wanted to say was "are these all for me?"
Brittany grinned nervously
"They're the lesbian of flowers"
And Santana smiled, feeling touched. Of course, Brittany had put so much thought into this, as she always did when it came to giving Santana gifts.
"I also…got you this" Brittany said, walking over to Santana with the next part of her present.
She watched nervously and hopefully, absentmindedly playing with the lily in her hand, as Santana observed the gift.
"Two tickets to Lesbos Island?" she frowned, confused "Brit these are…both one way"
"Yeah, I figured…once we arrived at the girl on girl paradise that is Lesbos…that we'd never wanna leave" Brittany shrugged, hopeful that Santana was going to go along with this crazy plan of hers.
Santana was overwhelmed, her head spinning. She knew she loved Brittany more than anything, and she wanted to be with her until the end of time, but this had all come around so fast. She was still confused, she was still scared, and she was still in a relationship with someone else.
She sighed, and took Brittany's hopeful hand in hers, leading her over to the piano to sit.
"Okay listen. Brittany, I love you, but…running away with me and living on a lesbian island is not what you wanna do. You just don't wanna go back to MIT. And you shouldn't…just because your amazing mathematical mind can solve all the world's problems doesn't mean that it has to" Santana said gently, her voice taking on that typical soft tone, meant only for Brittany "it's not your dream…and neither is being with me"
Brittany sighed. She knew this side to Santana all too well. She was scared and she was doubting, and she was projecting it onto her instead. But Brittany was sure and certain. She knew what she wanted, and she knew that deep down, Santana wanted the same thing. She just needed to curb her insecurities first.
"You're one to talk, since when is becoming a Broadway star your goal in life?" Brittany smiled, her eyebrows raised.
"A star is a star, it doesn't matter where in the sky I shine" Santana replied, growing more defensive, all the while knowing Brittany had her good.
Nobody knew her as well as Brittany did. Nobody.
"I don't wanna run away with you because I wanna run away. I wanna run away with you…because you and I are the only truly awesome people I've ever met. And I'm tired of doing stuff that only matters to people less awesome than us" Brittany explained.
And Santana smiled, because she was beginning to be convinced, and because her best friend as always, just sounded so smart.
"Okay but this isn't like your math stuff" Santana shook her head, the smile still on her face "I'm gonna be rich and famous. And this is a great first step for me! And besides I'm not gonna let that dwarf Berry win"
Brittany watched as Santana rolled her eyes. She had let her finish her rant, but now it was time to be real with Santana. She knew this wasn't Santana's dream, and she so badly wanted to get through to her.
"Listen…you have spent most of your life, in the closet because you cared about what people thought about you. Walking away from a dream that you don't actually care about, is you winning, because it's you saying 'this is not who I am, and I don't care who knows it'"
And as Santana's eyes searched Brittany's, the urge to lean in and kiss her right there and then, was almost too much to ignore. But she wouldn't do it to Dani. She wasn't a cheat. She may have cheated on guys in the past, but as a lesbian, none of those relationships were real to her. This one was.
She broke the tension between them by letting out a small laugh instead, which Brittany returned.
"You know, it's funny. I spend months tangled up in knots" Santana began, adjusting herself so she could lean against Brittany "And…in five minutes you straighten me out" she smiled, her eyes closing in bliss as she leaned on Brittany's shoulder.
Brittany returned the smile, as she ran her hands up and down Santana's arm soothingly. So happy to have her girl, back in her arms once more.
"You really are a genius" Santana said, a statement that she always affirmed to Brittany, but nevertheless one that Brittany never tired of hearing.
"I'm just the world's foremost expert in the field of Santana Lopez" Brittany said jokingly, causing a laugh to escape Santana lips.
But it was true. Santana knew that Brittany really did know her better than anybody. Better than she even knew herself. And as she lay in Brittany's embrace, a place that felt like home to her, she felt the fog lift.
Brittany had asked her what she wanted to do, and suddenly, Santana had never been so sure of anything in her whole life.
Santana lay on her bed and breathed a huge sigh of relief, as she waited for Brittany to arrive, now that the hard part was done. She had told Brittany in the choir room that she needed to go home and sort a few things, and that she would text her when she was done so she could come around.
She felt bad for keeping Brittany waiting, after she had laid her heart on the line like this, but she'd feel worse if she committed to anything while she was still in a relationship with Dani. She wanted their new chapter to be fresh and guilt free. Brittany's gesture had been so beautiful touching, and it was the perfect note to start on, once she had ended things with Dani.
Breaking up with Dani was hard, because she knew she wasn't expecting it. She had hoped her almost radio silence would have prepared Dani, but it hadn't. Dani had been trusting of her just being busy with the Glee Club, which wasn't a lie. But it wasn't the main reason for her lack of texting.
All she could do was tell the truth. How she really liked Dani, that she was an amazing girl who deserved someone really special, and that she'd had a great time with her. But how she was still deeply in love with her ex-girlfriend, and she always had been, and she shouldn't have entered their relationship so quickly. How she had expected her feelings for Brittany to dwindle away, and she'd been working so hard on getting over her but seeing her this week had stirred everything up again. How it wouldn't be fair to Dani to string along like this.
And Dani had been upset, but she'd also been kind and understanding, and she'd wished Santana the best. Which made her feel more guilty.
Of course, she would rather have had the conversation in person, because even Santana could admit that breaking up with someone over the phone was a pretty shitty thing to do. But she knew she couldn't wait that long and drag it out until she got back to New York.
It wouldn't be fair on Dani, it wouldn't be fair on Brittany, and it wouldn't be fair on herself.
As the doorbell rang, signalling Brittany's arrival, Santana swallowed to alleviate her nerves. The feeling in her stomach was like nothing else, in anticipation of what was about to happen. She was just so glad her mom had dragged her dad out for dinner tonight, so they could have some time alone to talk.
"Hey" Santana smiled, as she let Brittany inside. She could see from Brittany's face that she was nervous, still awaiting an answer after her earlier proposal. She didn't want to drag it out and make Brittany feel worse, so as soon as she was through the door, she told her.
"I broke up with Dani" she said, watching as Brittany's face flashed through various emotions. Joy, sympathy, hope, curiosity.
"Wait…does that mean?"
"Yes Brittany" Santana nodded with a smile "Yes I'll run away with you"
Brittany's eyes lit up and she let out a sigh of relief, and before they knew it, they were kissing. Desperately, hungrily. Neither of them sure who had made the first move.
And they climbed the stairs, being careful not to break the kiss, as they began removing garments of clothing. Soon, they were on Santana's bed, Brittany straddling Santana's underwear clad body. She frantically explored each and every inch of her, all the parts that she had missed so much.
And the tears had stung Santana's eyes, as she grabbed and held tight on to Brittany, in a moment she had longed for but thought she would never get again.
"I love you Brit, keep going baby, that feels so good" she encouraged, her words of affirmation love language singing as loud as it had sung before, while Brittany poured everything into showing Santana how much she had missed her. Her only priority was making sure Santana felt good.
Before long, they were riding the wave together, they didn't have the patience to make each other wait long. It was intense, and it was beautiful, and it had brought tears to both of their eyes.
Santana had cried the most, and Brittany calmly shushed her, as she laid them back on the bed together. When they had started to come down from their cloud, Santana felt the need to apologise, embarrassed for her emotional outburst.
"I'm sorry Brit, it's just been so long without you…"
"Hey why are you apologising?" Brittany replied, placing a gentle kiss on Santana's forehead "We haven't done that in almost nine months, of course it was going to be emotional. I'm emotional too"
"I just didn't realise how much I had needed you" Santana shook her head, shocked at her own emotions as she gulped her tears away.
"We both needed each other. We're two pieces of the same puzzle. We're not complete without each other"
Santana stroked Brittany's exposed hip tenderly, her body lit only by moonlight.
"God Brit…when did you get so good with words?"
"Erm…since I dated Santana Lopez for over a year" Brittany laughed, and Santana laughed along with her, before letting out a sigh.
"Why'd it take us so long to get back here Brit? I've been miserable without you, and suddenly I'm on cloud nine"
"I feel the same San. But I guess we just always had to trust the process. We were always going to belong to each other and find our way back. In this life, and the next, and the one after that. Because you're my soulmate, and no matter how shattered or broken we were, we always had the capacity to be fixed"
Santana's heart swelled, at Brittany's sweet tender words. For once, she couldn't find the words back to say. The only thing she could say, was the one thing she knew Brittany would always be glad to hear.
"I love you so much, Brittany"
"I love you too, my beautiful girlfriend" Brittany smiled knowingly. And Santana's eyes pricked with tears again, because just like that, Brittany had quelled any form of doubt. Last time Santana had worried for months that they weren't official, because the words hadn't been spoken, but this time Brittany had deliberately gone out of her way to say it straight away, so that Santana knew.
The next day, the Glee Club were buzzing over the gossip of their reunion. Quinn was of course, the most excited, even though she'd had a reunion of her own to be excited about. She had got back with Puck, and unlike Santana and Brittany getting back together, it had come as a shock. But they were all really happy for them.
Santana, still deliriously high off the sweetness of Brittany's words last night (not to mention the several rounds of mind-blowing intense lady sexy), decided she needed to do something for Brittany in her love language. A gesture of sorts. She just wasn't sure how she was going to follow up to lilies and Lesbos Island.
Then, as she saw Blaine trying on his cap and gown, she had the perfect solution. And she ran to Sue to pull a few strings.
As they sat in the auditorium, watching their friends graduate, Santana excitedly anticipated the moment her girlfriend's name would be announced. And when it was called, and she watched proudly at Brittany's shocked face, she knew the surprise had worked a treat.
She placed the cap on Brittany's head, and told her how she had arranged this with Sue, because she wanted Brittany to have the graduation, she deserved a year ago.
Brittany was beyond touched, and as her girlfriend placed a soppy kiss on her cheek, she felt her heart swell with love and happiness. The blues eyes, that were the mirror to her soul, magnified this. As she bound down to the stage in joy, the proud look on Santana's face didn't go amiss.
After the ceremony, Santana walked into the bathroom to find her girlfriend looking all adorable, taking photos of herself in her gown, to send to her parents.
"Brittany, I have to tell you something" she began, ready to hand Brittany the next part of her gift "I think I've made a huge mistake…"
Brittany's face dropped immediately in fear. She was scared Santana was having second thoughts, and that all of this had been too good to be true. The last time Santana had said she had to tell her something, it had ended in their beak up.
"You don't wanna run away with me, do you?"
And suddenly Santana felt guilty that her choice of wording had panicked Brittany, so she rushed to reassure her.
"What? No, no, no, no, no" she said firmly, walking over to take Brittany's in her arms to add to the reassurance "Of course I do"
Brittany immediately sought solace in Santana's touch, as she ran her hands up and down Santana's arms.
"I was doing some research on Lesbos Island and it turns out that it's not chock-full of lesbians, it's full of German tourists. So, I bought us our return tickets. I think that we should go to Lesbos first, and then Hawaii for a couple of weeks, and then come home"
Brittany was unsure. Neither Lima nor Massachusetts felt like home to her anymore, especially without Santana there.
"Well I don't wanna go back to MIT, and I can't return to Lima" she admitted.
Santana smiled, wondering if Brittany had momentarily forgotten how well she knew her. Of course, she wasn't implying that Brittany should return to Lima or Massachusetts.
Her whole part in this side of the plan, was caused through her own worrying about doing long-distance again. She couldn't just ignore how important quality time and being physically around Brittany, was to her. She had come to realise that whilst New York was sort of home at the moment, it wasn't properly home without Brittany in it. And Santana knew Brittany well enough to know that she was home for Brittany.
"I want you to come to New York with me" she said gently, but nervously. She could only hope that Brittany would say yes, because if she didn't, there was no way she was staying in New York.
The look on Brittany's face told her everything she needed to know, as her face broke into the happiest smile, like she had finally found her peace.
"Is that a yes?" Santana checked, finding herself smiling also, at her girlfriend's adorable reaction.
"Yes" Brittany clarified, her tone sweet, like it had been dipped in honey.
And the two of them laughed, their whole bodies radiating with happiness, as they embraced and moved in for a gentle kiss.
After a long, hard 8 and a half months, this, was what coming home really felt like.