Hey!
First of all, I'm a non-native English speaker, so I'm sorry if there's any mistake.

It took me months to write this fic and I was really struggling for the end, but well, let's say that MHA chapter 285 kind of triggered my inspiration to make a comeback on this one! :D

See you at the end!

4and 14 years old.

Katsuki was not friends with Deku. Actually, instead of being a friend, Deku was some kind of nuisance in his life, something clinging to him like shit on a shovel. Always running around, openly crying at each minor inconvenience, like a weakling.

At the sight of the green-haired boy's tears, Katsuki could never help but think:"What kind of mother lets her ownchild openly cry like this, displaying that much weakness in front of kids his age?". Katsuki knew for sure that his own mother would never allow such a thing. He wasn't bothered by it, this was how things were, and he was used to it. He hated weak people, he didn't understand them. He didn't understand how someone could so openly demonstrate their feelings and be okay with it. So it was normal for him, by association, to hate Izuku.

Izuku, Izuku, Zuku, Deku. The transition rolled on his tongue faster than he'd thought about it and when he heard the delighted snickers coming from the idiots behind him, he knew it was the word he would use from now on to describe the other one. And seeing his pained face, he knew he'd done the right choice.

Yet, an unpleasant feeling filled his heart at the sight. Whatever it was, he pushed it far away, his guts were fine and that was the only thing that mattered to him. And if by any means, in the future, this feeling was to disappear, then it was a good thing.

It never disappeared, in fact. He never understood why, but he didn't even want to try to. He pushed it as far from his mind as possible, burying it under layers and layers of anger and boisterous pretended self-confidence. It was a silent agreement to himself, I don't think about unpleasant things, it's useless. It was a doctrine he used whenever he came across an annoyance he couldn't tame with his fists. And for the most part of his early life, it worked.

But as the years passed, as the classes and his fake friends changed just like Izuku stayed, this long since forgotten feeling little by little tried to resurface. It gnawed at him, and no matter what he tried to do, it seemed that he couldn't stop it from gaining ground every passing day. It felt like Katsuki was losing, losing to his own emotions.

And as he desperately tried to get rid of the feeling, he put his finger on the way to finally make it stop again. Something he had already been doing for years now; hitting. But harder, this time. If he hit harder, and harder, and harder again, the feeling was drowned again by the overwhelming sentiment of omnipotence and near impunity the blows brought him. Seeing the tears spill, – these tears that never seemed to be able to run down his own cheeks – constantly reminded him that he wasn't a weakling. He wasn't like Deku, whose face Katsuki had come to hate so much. He lost his temper every time the greenette dared to show his runny cheeks to Katsuki's face. Katsuki hated it. He hated him. He hated Deku. It was easy to hate Deku.

15 years old.

Years passed, and somehow, before Katsuki could even notice or try to stop it, things changed. Things moved, and without his own will, their relationship evolved. The bully and bullied dynamic didn't work anymore. Katsuki couldn't push Deku around like he used to, and weirdly enough, he had lost any interest in doing so. He was not pleased by it, to say the least. Not to not be able to bully him anymore, no, but to realise that he was losing control. Losing whatever influence he had on the boy. In fact, it was not that much about realising that he was losing his power more than realising that he never had any over Deku to begin with. He had never quite realised that Deku had followed him diligently and willingly all this time. It felt like Deku had never really tried to escape from him and that he had never been as weak as Katsuki had believed him to be.

Yet Katsuki would have been lying to himself – wouldn't have been the first time, though – if he tried to pretend that this relationship-shift was the only reason to his new disinterest in mocking the green-haired boy. Because, after a month or so after entering at UA, Katsuki understood why, even after the countless beatings and years of abuse, Deku had willingly stayed around him all this time. Katsuki understood that Deku had never been following him, but the image of All Might the nerd saw in him.

He'd been the chosen one only because he somehow remembered Izuku of the Number One Hero. Maybe it had been because of the similar hair colours, at first. Maybe it had been because of Katsuki's habit – picked from All Might himself – to pump his fist in the air every time he'd win a fight in school or against other kids in the streets. Maybe it had simply been because Katsuki had been there at the same time as Deku's passion for All Might had started to develop. The fact remained that Deku had not chosen Katsuki for Katsuki himself, but as a substitute to the N°1 Hero.

Katsuki knew it, now. With All Might being here, Deku didn't need him anymore. Why would he be chasing someone when the very person he saw in this someone was in front of him? He only kept the respect he had for Katsuki by pure habit. And if inadvertently Katsuki tried to push his luck and assert whatever dominance that remained from secondary school, he was met with a resistance and mental strength he couldn't compete with anymore.

But he didn't try it that much nowadays anyway, because in the end he always ended up observing that Deku had indeed overcome whatever complex he'd nurtured on Katsuki. Gaining a mental force Katsuki could only wish to have. But he didn't have a quarter of what Izuku had and he knew it. He'd been the one to train the nerd, after all. Building unintentionally the wall against which he would crash in high school. What a shame he hadn't foreseen that, him who was so sure of himself.

Katsuki knew it, the advantages he'd thought he had by being raised by his mother in such a violent and cold way was nothing but a disadvantage he hadn't expected he'd have to fight against one day. Like a time bomb, the damage only showing years after the timer had set off. His defences shattering as he was helplessly watching the pieces crumble to the floor.

Helplessly watching his semblance of confidence being smashed by the one he had so desperately tried to crush, rendering him stronger than he could have ever expected instead. Or maybe he should have seen it coming. Deku was unpredictable for many, but he was still Deku, and Katsuki was still in the best position to know him.

And yet, as his walls shattered and his life seemed to be torn apart, expecting a silent fall of loneliness and anger as he deserved, he was caught before the free-fall could even start. The pieces of his heart so easily reassembled that he felt shame colouring his cheeks, something he hadn't experienced since probably before his quirk appeared. So, and without his choice, skilled hands picked the fragments up and painstakingly patched him up. As if Katsuki had allowed it. He hadn't. He'd never asked for anyone to do so, not even planning to do it himself, knowing full well that he deserved it, deserved the pain and despair flooding his mind. And yet they'd done it anyway. A smiling red-hair skilfully gathering bits without even cutting himself on it. Katsuki had to admit that he'd been impressed.

It felt like the boy had patched things up and immured himself with Katsuki into the patched up defences. It felt weird, unnerving, and yet he liked it. Finally not alone anymore in the confines of his gilded cage.

Yet no matter how his new acquaintances – friends, even, as they liked to be called – patched him up, he knew that things couldn't change as easily as appearances.

He couldn't stand Deku's company lately. It wasn't that Katsuki avoided him, because avoiding him would have meant that he was running away. And Katsuki never ran away, he faced things and accepted whatever challenges that came to his face. But no, he wasn't avoiding Deku, he simply refused to lose time at being in the outskirts of his very being.

At least he pretended to. He knew full well that it was because he was slowly but surely realising that Deku was indeed becoming worthy of being a hero. He had all the qualities required for it, whereas Katsuki seemed to only be able to know how to fight. He lacked knowledge in the saving-civilians- part of the job, and it was something that was starting to gain in importance.

When Shigaraki Tomura spoke to him, in that shitty bar, Katsuki being held by bracelets literally heavier than his own weight, alone, and facing half a dozen of villains, he understood why Deku was suddenly having that much success. He understood why he couldn't seem to catch anyone's eye and attention when it came to being a hero. Katsuki had been so focused on being strong, defeating villains and constantly screaming that he was the better, that he had forgotten why this job existed in the first place. Being strong wasn't enough if you defeated a villain with no one around. How could it matter how many villains you floored if you neglected the people you were meant to be saving? The challenge wasn't to be ready to die to bring an enemy down with you into the grave, but to stay alive in order to prevent a villain of doing so with innocent people.

Deku knew how people worked, he knew how to rescue them. Katsuki had never been able to do anything but destroy those who crossed his path. Deku had been the only one who had resisted him and even faced him. It wasn't about who was stronger or who could hit harder. It was about who could save who.

Katsuki knew it. He hadn't been able to save Deku, being the one instead to push him into spirals of despair. He knew better than to let himself be saved by Deku. He didn't want it, he didn't deserve it. And he'd rather die than to let himself be saved by Deku. He didn't hate him. He didn't like him either. He was just slowly coming to terms with the fact that Deku was now fairly in competition with him, and was more likely to become Number One Hero in the people's hearts. Katsuki hadn't accepted it yet. He hadn't accepted that people's choices mattered, yet. That he might not have to fight the Number One place by means of strengths only.

Katsuki was just waiting now, eyes fixed on Deku, never letting him out of sight, as he himself kept fighting to become Number One. Katsuki wasn't going to let Deku climb up that easily.

15 years old b.

Accepting that Deku had potential wasn't easy. Some days the reality of it took over Katsuki, rendering him almost completely unable to stay in Deku's vicinity, not even able to look at his face or to hear his voice. He always decided to get some training instead of lingering in the common room with the others like he now often did during the normal days. Exhausting himself through sport was a good way to get his thoughts back in place, and since he often went to the gym, it surprised no one when he ditched the usual meetings with his friends to do some workouts instead. Maybe he was almost comfortable enough to call the "bakusquad" his friends, but there were still times when he preferred loneliness to their lively company.

Katsuki hated the fact that, during these bad days, his sleepless nights were not mostly caused by his kidnapping memories, but by the sudden rush of disgust towards both himself and Deku smothering him and mixing up. It made his blood boil to realise that he was still so weak that he couldn't even tame the old feelings resurfacing from his childhood. It was probably even worse to realise that, in his entire life, his loathing for Deku had never been as violent as the repugnance he felt towards himself right now.

It was a vicious circle. He was used to thinking that Deku was weak, but now that it wasn't so much the case anymore, he hated himself for having made such a mistake. He hated himself for having underestimated Deku's physical potential, and having overestimated his mental own. Because now it felt like he was left behind by none other than Deku, lagging behind as he desperately tried to secure his future place as N°1 both in reality and in his mind.

During the entirety of his childhood, and even in secondary school, his mother's words had always been the ones ruling over him. No matter what he saw on TV or read in Heroes interviews, her motto ruled over his mind. Yet when he finally met All Might in high school, and as the man slowly took the role of mentor in his life just like in Deku's, his mother's lessons that he believed to be the cornerstone of his education, turned into a sword of Damocles over his mental stability.

He couldn't just get rid of years of hammering into his brain overnight. And this very fact fuelled the feeling of weakness already growing. Again, it was a vicious circle. He tried to clear his mind out, to get rid of his mother's speech. But his main focus was still to stay in competition with Todoroki and Deku. And as he tried to work on both, he had to get used to people being constantly around him, and sincerely wanting to be friends with him, and the new emotions he was experiencing thanks to a certain red-hair. All of this without taking into account Deku's training he followed meticulously, All-Might often demanding to meet them both during breaks or after dinner.

He still hadn't exploded yet. He was working on it, after all. Before, he would have never tried to prevent it. It had always been easier to ignore things, to push them away as far as he could until the thing turned into an elephant and he couldn't just keep going without addressing the animal growing into the room. Now was different, and he tried to subdue his unjustified anger and his temperamental moods, more for his own sake than for the others'. He didn't scare anyone anymore now, his moody temper only made people laugh instead of the former intimidation it could have inspired. Had he not worked on himself, he would have found this to be some sort of humiliation. Now not so much, as he slowly understood that he wasn't the centre of the world, and that his every comings and goings were not scrutinised. He was just a student, and though he worked to be the future N°1 Hero, he wasn't the only one to aim at this title, and he had to act accordingly. Being overconfident didn't really help when your challengers gained grounds in the rush to the top.

As for his relationship with Deku, it had somehow morphed into something he would have never thought to be possible. It wasn't a friendship, not even close to it, but it was something one could call a toleration. He was tolerating the nerd, while the latter got used to Katsuki being around with no ill intent. It was probably a normal thing for the others, but Katsuki knew, just like Deku, that what was happening was way much more than just a change of behaviour. It was a shift in their very beings, their own lives being inherently linked through childhood and twists of fate. It felt like this "cohabitation" was a bigger change in their lives than their moving at UA.

They knew each other well enough to know that the other was just as affected by this not-so-sudden change of behaviour than they were. They'd both seen it coming, and yet Katsuki was still surprised to realise how unprepared he was to face it. Fuck was his favourite word to say in unexpected situations, but he said it so many times these days that it had reached a point where it had lost every impact or meaning it could have bore years before. It didn't help to make him feel less helpless at the change of balance in their power-based relationship.

But contrary to the beginning of the school year, Katsuki didn't lose face. He gritted his teeth when he needed to, and allowed himself to show off when he felt like he deserved it. It didn't happen much these days, but still. Now that he had finally gotten his hero licence, he was on the good way to be on the top.

And with that internship at Endeavor's Agency, the actual number one, he had a ringside seat to the actual hero world. Sure, he had to share it with Deku and Half n' half, but if it allowed him to get into real fights and have some insight on the job, he could put up with it.

There were more days where he could tolerate Deku than not, and his anger issues had drastically receded. He would be okay.

16 years old,

Somewhere on the remains of the Jaku General Hospital.

There isn't much to think about now that he's in the middle of the air, left side stabbed by Shigaraki's quirk.

He doesn't feel like he lost, now that the ground has fully gave out under him. It's weird, purposely getting hurt to save someone. It's supposed to be common for heroes, but it's his first time. And it's for Deku.

For a split second he's free-falling, before Todoroki grabs him. For that split second, he's totally oblivious to what's going to happen next. For what he knows, he might be dead by the time he reaches the ground. It's exhilarating.

The thing is, he doesn't find it as bothersome as it should be. Not dying, of course not, no, but saving someone, saving Deku. He didn't really get in the way with the aim of saving him, his body just moved on its own, on impulse. But he can't deny it, it saved Deku.

He's bleeding and it hurts like hell. His head is spinning. He feels nauseous. He's not going to die, though. Not to Shigaraki. It would be a sign of weakness to die now.

The nerd would probably find it honourable, but Katsuki can't just let him do as he pleases. Not that he cares whether Deku dies or not, don't get him wrong. It's a purely pragmatic thought. Now is not the time to lose heroes, be it Deku or anyone else.

It hurts more to admit this than his currently bleeding wound, but if he loses Deku, he loses his main challenger.

If he loses him, it would be just like admitting that he lost to villains, because he wouldn't have been able to protect someone just in front of him, even though he pretends to be a hero, and what's a hero that can't save people?

If he lets Deku get more hurt than he already is, Katsuki'll feel like he did nothing during the fight. And he can't let him have all the glory. Katsuki can't let people think he's a coward who let Deku do all the dirty work.

Katsuki doesn't want to lie to himself anymore, whether he likes it or not, if he loses Deku, he loses the only person that truly understands him in this world.

Fin.

Hey!

So I really hope that you liked this fic, it's a special one for me.

It's a clumsy attempt at trying to express my vision of Katsuki through his own eyes.

In fact, I think that this actually is the first time I'm posting a fic that personal. I really relate to Bakugou on many points and it's highly probable that I mixed up my own emotions and perceptions with his, so I'm really sorry for that.

This fic is some kind of little monster, my own ugly duckling. There is no no structure, it's a patchwork of words more than a real story, but I hope that you enjoyed it nonetheless. In any case, I really loved writing it!

Please leave some kudos and comments, it always makes me so happy to read them! :D