What had he done?

What was he doing?

When had been the last time that he felt the cold? When had been the last time that he was out of breath? When had been the last time that every breath he took sent a cascade of pain down his body and let him almost lose his consciousness? When had been the last time he had felt fear? Genuine fear. That kind of fear that soaked your whole body in cold sweat, froze yours muscles and made your bone ache.

He could see Lumine not far away from him. He could see her not moving. Why was she not moving? Why was he not moving?
Between them was nothing but the now red colored snow. He had to get up! She had to get up! Their fight was not over yet!

He remembered! He remembered her calling his name; his real name, not some alias. How long had it been since he had referred to himself by his own name instead of Childe? It was a miracle that he even remembered his own name.
He remembered her trying to help him, but he could not remember with what she tried to help him. Maybe it had something to do with his current situation. Slowly his view turned away from Lumine towards his own hand. His hand that was slowly turning back into that of a human. The skin war still a disgusting mix between black and purple. It didn't scar him, because he was used to it. Whenever he used his Delusion his body would look like that for some time. However, he should shake like that. The last time he had used his power against Lumine, he may have been out of breath, but he didn't shake like a leaf in the wind.
A memories resurfaced when watching his hand trembling. A memory of a time not so long ago, which still felt like an eternity. Just when he started out using his delusion he had often lost control over it and ended up shaking and trembling. He hated those memories, because it also showed how weak he had been.

It didn't took him much to connect the dots. He had lost control. After such a long time he had finally lost control over his power. Why now? Why against Lumine? Had Lumine tried to snap him out of it? Tried to safe him from himself? Had she risked her life for him although he had been ready to kill her? He never hold back in a fight, not even against her, so he always risked getting himself killed or killing his opponent, yet she still reached out to him. Why?

What had he done?

With his remaining strength – if he had any that is – he tried to stand up. But his body crushed into the snow as soon as he moved an inch, so he had crawled towards Lumine instead of walking up to her. How pathetic!
Crawling to her was slow. He barely moved forward. Inside he prayed for her safety. Although he liked the thrill of fights and if someone got harmed – or even died – then so be it. Yet he had never wished for Lumine to get seriously injured or even to die – not by is hands!
Maybe she was just tired! Yes, that must be it! She was just tired – though sleeping in the cold would kill her sooner or later, so she still was in danger! He had to safe her!

This wasn't how it should have been! This wasn't fair!

He cradled her cold body in his trembling arms, desperately calling out her name over and over again – at least he thought it was his voice, since as far as he knew it was only them around here. At the moment his own voice and body – even his own thoughts – sounded so foreign to him.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! That's not what I wanted! Please wake up! Please…

Tears streamed down his face. His body was rocking back and forth – trying to smooth her and himself. With every passing second the screams he withhold grow stronger and stronger until he no longer could hold them back!
He screamed out her name, his pain and despair. Every scream turned into an ugly sobbing and into another scream again. It was a seemingly endless circle of pain – and it was all his own fault. He had done this to her and himself alike. It was his fault! His alone!

He had committed a crime only punishable by death – yet death seemed still too kind for what he had done! What had he done!

When his siblings found him, they had to see his weakest side. Maybe in a different situation he may have felt embarrassed, but now he didn't care – he didn't even acknowledge his siblings' presence. Only when they got to close and even worse tried to take Lumine away from him, he lashed out on them! It was fortunate that he had no strength left or else he may have seriously hurt his beloved siblings – both the older and younger ones.

It is my fault! I know! I will fix it! I will be better! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please don't take her away from me! Please… I'm sorry… I will be good from now on! Please don't take her away! Please…

What have I done? What am I doing?

Luckily his older siblings had brought a first aid kit, when they had set out to search for their younger brother. They knew he liked getting into fights and always came back with a new wound. Now they used it on Lumine, hoping it would be enough to keep her alive until they reached the next city, where a doctor could take care of her. The amount of blood Lumine had lost combined with the cold a reduced her chances of surviving significantly, still they should try to safe her – as long as there still some breath left in her, they should fight for her survival and therewith for their brothers sanity.

While the older siblings rushed back into the city, the younger ones tried to get their older brother back on track – make him snap out of his agony. They failed miserably. No matter how many lullabies they sung, no matter how many jokes they told, no matter how logical their arguments were, no of it reached his ears or heart. They could only watch their brother rocking back and forth, trembling, screaming, crying, and begging.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Maybe it was Teucer whining about being cold and hungry. Maybe it was Tonia coughing. Maybe it him not having any tears or a voice left. Maybe it was all of it that made him finally snap out of his trance. Shaking he stood up and wobbled back home – his siblings right next to him to ensure he would not fall face first over.
A positive side-effect of his delusion was its healing ability. Although it caused him a lot of energy, it at least healed his wounds. His and Lumine's blood however still cover his clothes.

What had he done?

I'm sorry!

I won't do it again!

I promise, I won't do it again!

What have I done?

Why?

Please… please…