Chapter 2: Between two Lungs (Florence + the Machine)
For just a moment, Britt let that statement hang in the air. She buried her face against my neck and I felt the wetness of her tears seconds later. Her body shook as she held me tightly. I rubbed her arm and for the first time since the call, I thought of someone other than myself.
And Marco thinks I'm not selfish?
Her tears were silent and then she pulled her face from my neck and rested her chin on my shoulder.
"You can't blame yourself for this Ana." She said softly, the ghost of tears shaking her voice.
"Says who?" It came out harsh, even though I didn't mean for it to.
"Says me, Ian wouldn't want you to blame yourself for this." She wasn't going to let me bully her and once I was removed from the pain of this, I'd probably be grateful but right then, I hated her for it.
Not hate. Never hate.
Just annoyed and guilty and sad and all the things.
Britt had come straight home from a long day of dance practice and a night class, only to have to deal with me like this. Death is sharp and cruel no matter how you slice it, and everyone handles it differently.
My wife, my sweet love was doing everything she could to lift me up, but I had chosen my base instinct.
Anger above all else.
"How the fuck, do you know what he would want?" I snapped at her, trying to pull away but needing her arm that was keeping me from jumping out the window. "How can you possibly tell me that I shouldn't blame myself? I knew he was hurting when we left Lima...I knew about the hurt that was done to him and then I up and left him in that shit hole and took Isaac away! He even told me once that me and Isaac was all that he lived for, so why didn't I bring him here with us? Why was I so fucking selfish?"
"You weren't being selfish. We offered him the last spot in the car and he told us more than once that he needed to stay. This isn't on you. Nothing you can say or do will help. You had just got out of rehab and the last thing you needed was to be hanging around Lima, with the ghosts of all that happened there."
"Like New York is any better?"
"It is. I'm here, Marco isn't. This is OUR house, not his. No drugs, daily meetings, and a village surrounding you. It's okay to be a little selfish but it's not okay to blame yourself for this."
Her words were perfect and pretty and all the good things that made her the love of my life, but I couldn't stop beating myself up over this and Britt was only making it worse by trying to pacify me.
I didn't need to hear her kind words or have her tell me that I couldn't be to blame because my heart and my head were telling me something different. That day in the kitchen when he kissed me and tried to talk to me about moving in with my mom, I brushed it off. I didn't push for it to become a reality and I should have.
"My fault." My thought had become words and Britt hugged me tighter.
"Impossible." She said back, and the anger surged. I was frustrated and annoyed with her without meaning to be all because I couldn't rationalize just how I had gone from needing Britt beyond belief to wanting her to just go away.
My emotions were way out of control. How could she be so caring right now? For someone who had felt such insane jealousy over my relationship with my son's father, Britt was being supportive and patient even when I yelled at her and it made me feel like shit.
I cried even harder as I thought about the bitch I was being and then Britt was humming in my ear and just held me closer.
My fault. I didn't deserve love, I deserve blame for not being able to stop this but no way was Britt going to give me what I wanted, she was more focused on giving me what I needed and that is why I had wanted her so badly, with everything that she felt, she was always willing to put her pride to the side and just hold me.
She was the reason that I fought for my sobriety.
B knew that I had a tough road ahead and she just wanted to make sure that I knew that she was there for me. I was counting on it.
There was a lot that I was going to need to do, going back to Lima was inevitable now and from what I know of Ian's family, they'll want to bury him as soon as possible and there was no way that I was going to miss that.
At least Mami was back in Lima with Celia watching over her, now that she had left Chicago and her ex, she was taking a break from responsibilities. Mami was the only person that she was looking out for and I was grateful that when I got there, I would be greeted by people who knew how to handle me at my worst.
It would also be good to have some backup if Ian's mother gave me any trouble. It was no secret that Ian's mother didn't approve of me or Isaac existing in his life. He'd been upfront with me when I asked why she hadn't visited her grandson, he looked angry as he told me that she believed that my son had tainted their pure Irish bloodline and I knew for a fact that his mother thought we were nothing more than leeches.
Which, I mean, if anyone is anyone in Lima they know that the Lopez family has some bank. Even though Abuela insisted on staying in Lima Heights, she wasn't poor by any means. Her trail of husbands had all left her with money.
But his mother wouldn't hear of it, Ian even begged me to let him tell his mother that I wasn't after his money. I had nothing to prove to her, not once did I ask Ian for a cent, but he wanted me to basically show her my bank ledger, but it wasn't her fucking business.
And when she realized that we weren't leeching money after I gave Ian my old BMW, she told Ian that I must have another reason.
That I was leading him on and only using him for his sperm. I had never met the woman, but each time Ian came back to me with some nonsense that she had spouted it made me want to kick her ass.
I knew that Ian hated being home and was excited to move to New York. Every time we spoke he said as much and up until now, I thought I knew everything about him...I even knew that he was depressed and damaged.
So why?
Why didn't I think that he was actually capable of taking his own life?
Maybe because he laid a claim to a baby that wasn't his and to one that I had given him an out on raising.
Why hadn't I heard the desperation in his voice the last time that I had spoken to him?
Because my happiness blinded me to it, possibly?
He sounded so tired when he had called to talk to me the night before and I could tell that something was up with him but I thought I had more time, no matter how many times I had heard that tomorrow isn't promised, I didn't pressure him to talk about it while he still had to live through it.
Better to have the talk when he was here with me but now I knew that I should have pushed, if for no other reason, because Isaac needed his father.
And I had failed them both.
I kept sobbing late into the night. Britt had tried to pacify me, she'd tried to talk me out of my spiral, but I kept growling at her, so she eventually stopped talking to me out of fear of me snapping at her, she just continued to hum to me and hold me close to her.
She only got up once and that was to feed and change Isaac.
While I had been pushing her away, I didn't want to be alone so after I took the opportunity to use that bathroom, I lingered in his doorway and waited for her to take me back to bed.
Although I had been annoyed with her, I still didn't want to be without her and she knew that and just smiled softly at me after putting Isaac down in his crib.
"I'm sorry about yelling at you." I whispered to Britt as I held out my pinky to her. She closed Isaac's door and then wrapped my pinky in hers before squeezing it.
She didn't say anything in response to my apology. Tonight, words just weren't working for us because I'd say one thing and do another, so she showed me her devotion instead.
When we lay in the bed under the covers again, I faced her this time as she laid flat on her back. I curled against her side and stared at her face in the dark, the streetlights making her face glow. She was just so beautiful and angelic, she was my love who I wanted to be the last face I wanted to see when I finally managed to fall asleep. My heart was torn and broken but it was still very sure of that one fact, Brittany was our saving grace.
Britt looked into my eyes sadly and then pulled me closer until I was nearly on top her.
She leaned in and kissed my forehead, then my cheeks, my nose, my chin and finally my lips. I closed my eyes and took a deep shuddering breath as she pulled my leg over her hip and wrapped an arm around me. She gave a tap to my ass and kissed my face again. Her warm breath grazed my face as she tucked my head beneath her chin.
Pressed against her, I could hear the thud of her heartbeat just underneath my wet cheek and the rhythm helped me to finally drift off to sleep.
But even in my sleep, I wasn't spared from the reality of Ian being gone. His smile and laughter filled my dreams and then his eyes...ugh...what once captivated me now haunted me.
His baby blue eyes were identical to Isaac's and even in my dreaming state, I dreaded the hurt it would cause me to look at my own son. I was ashamed of the feelings that coursed through me and found myself clenching tight to Britt's body.
My anchor.
My saving grace.
My Brittany.
I startled awake in the middle of the night and Britt looked panicked, then I watched her crumble. In the middle of the night, she was between dosages and it was always her at her most vulnerable.
Guilt surged in me and I only knew one way to make it better, I slid from her arms and climbed between her legs.
"You don't have to." She whimpered.
"Please?" I asked, and she opened her legs wider. I pushed her panties to the side and slid my fingers inside of her before hovering above her. She hissed as she stared into my eyes.
"Is this okay?" I asked.
"More." She begged, and I slid more fingers, pressing harder. Taking out my frustration and sadness out on her with each thrust. She rocked with me and then leaned up and kissed my lips, her other hand slipping under my shirt. I wanted to stop her, but she was faster than me.
Always faster.
We brought each other orgasm and then I collapsed on top of her, out of breath and more tired than I had been before. I fell asleep in her arms, with her baby blues the last sight I saw before I surrendered to the dark.
The dreams came softer, just his laugh and his touch.
His love, no guilt, no fault...just Ian.
The sun was barely up when Isaac woke up early the next morning, but I couldn't bring myself to move from my bed and I couldn't allow Britt to go either. I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes and see Ian looking back at me. Britt tried to pull herself from under me, but I just wrapped myself around her tighter.
She huffed out a breath and tried again to get up, but I wasn't letting up.
"Let Q grab him, Britt. Please?" she sighed heavily and then wrapped both arms around me tighter giving in to my need, knowing that Quinn kept a baby monitor by her bed just like we did.
I felt how wet B's shirt was from all my tears, but she didn't seem bothered by it as she looked at me with a tiny smirk, knowing her she was probably thinking about the middle of the night.
"Are you going to try to get back to sleep?" she whispered to me.
"I'm awake now, I'm just not ready to face the day." I said hauntingly.
I really didn't want to go back to the dreams of baby blue eyes and laughter. They weren't terrible, it was just hard to go back to a reality that Ian didn't exist in anymore. I couldn't bear to see Ian's face in my mind's eye, another second.
After only a few moments, Isaac's cries got quiet as Q sang softly to him. I was immensely grateful for her at times like this and of course that was followed by guilt for forcing her to step up when I was supposed to be taking care of Isaac.
But I had made her his godmother for a reason and she had never complained, and I was so fucking thankful for her.
I should have known that Britt wouldn't be able to lay there for long, it just wasn't something she was capable of. She probably needed her pills and a breather, but I was smothering her now.
"What do you want for breakfast?" B whispered in my ear. I looked up in her face and could see that she was insanely concerned, and it bugged me.
"I'm not hungry." I grumbled trying to snuggle further against her.
"Well you might not be but that baby sure is."
I could hear the annoyance slipping into her tone even though she was doing her best to hide it.
"You don't know that."
"But I do know that."
"I don't feel like eating, B."
"Why don't we try toast with the guava jelly? You love that." she rolled onto her side so that she could face me. I could see the irritation all over her face now. She was nibbling on her lip as she tried to wait patiently for my answer.
"No thanks." I could hear the coldness in my voice, but I felt detached from myself, like I couldn't control what came out of my mouth and then my stomach chose that moment to start growling.
I looked away from Britt, but she just cleared her throat and tried again.
"Ana..."
"Just stop talking!" I snapped as I tried to shuffle to the edge of the bed away from her now. "I just need you to please be quiet a little longer."
"Fine." She said after sighing heavily. "But you don't get to pull away from me." She wrapped an arm around me and pulled me back to her before I could make it to the edge and I was beside myself at that point.
"You're smothering me!" I said trying to wiggle away but she had an iron grip around my waist.
"I'm just trying to hold you babe, like you asked." she whispered.
I had my back to her now but could still hear the tears in her voice, without her medicine it was becoming hard for her to be patient. I knew what she needed from me, but I was being selfish, and I was making her feel like shit and I felt horrible about it.
So, I backed myself up until I was lying against her and then closed my eyes as I gave up fighting her hold on me. It was the best apology that I could give now.
I hope that she understood.
We laid there for little while longer, me feeling hollowed out and her feeling antsy. Then her phone rang, and she finally let go of me as she rolled over to her side of the bed.
I didn't bother to move, I just kept my eyes clenched shut and tried to disappear as I waited for her to come back to me.
"Hello? Yes, ma...yes, we heard. Puck called me and told me everything he knows. She's...Um...yea she is. Okay. Hold on a sec."
"I don't want to talk to anyone." I muttered, just loud enough for her to hear me.
"It's your mom."
"Tell her that I'll call her later."
"You tell her. I'm going to get you and our baby some breakfast." Britt put the phone to my ear and then got out of the bed. She had finally had enough of my self-loathing and was leaving my mom to deal with me, hoping that she would be able to get through to me.
With the way that I was feeling though, I doubted that anyone would be able to help me out of the funk that I was in.
"Mami?" I whispered into the receiver as I felt tears burning my eyelids.
"Aye mija. I wish I was with you right now."
"It's okay. I'm fine." I was fighting the tears with everything in me.
"No, you're not. You don't have to put up a brave front for us...we all know you're hurting. I know how hard it is to lose the father of your child." her voice shook as she brought up Papi, I knew that it still hurt for her to think about him. It had been almost a year and the emptiness that filled her life was evident, each time I walked in the house and everything was just as if he was there moments before. "This was beyond your control, you know that don't you?"
"I could have stopped him."
"You are going to make yourself sick with those kinds of thoughts. If you keep thinking about all the things that you could have done, it won't bring him back. I did this too, I've been there and it's not healthy especially in your condition."
"Don't worry, Britt and Q, won't let me spiral too far. I just know that if I had...I don't know...done anything different he would still be alive."
"You don't know that, Santana. He would have found a way if he wanted this bad enough. You can't be sure that you would have saved him."
"Yes, I can be...Mami...I know that I could have stopped him!" And I was officially crying now. I tried to muffle my sobs with a pillow over my mouth, but I knew that she could still hear it as she let out a deep sigh.
"Look, mi'ja, I never told you this but the day that your father died he had wanted to stay home...he wasn't feeling the best, but I urged him to go in any way because I knew he'd be moping around, not resting. Work has always made him feel better when he's sick...I kicked myself for months after he died...what if I had convinced him to stay in bed, what if I insisted that he stay in Lima instead of taking that job in Atlanta...but the truth is that in the end wishing won't change the reality no matter how bad you want it to, he's dead and I can't bring him back and you can't bring Ian back."
"It just hurts so bad MamÃ. I just don't understand how he could do this. He had one week and then he would have been here at school...he would have been able to see his son everyday if he wanted to. How will I explain this to Isaac? I can barely wrap my head around it all."
"You just have to take it one step at a time. One moment at a time. As senseless as it seems to us, Ian had his reasons. He knew what he was doing. So, you need to just pray for his soul and for his family. Think what they must be going through. Finding him like that."
"Ok." It was all the answer that I could muster.
"In the meantime, Santana, don't push Brittany away."
"I'm not."
"Don't lie to me. A mother knows. You need your wife right now...Brittany loves you and only wants your happiness. Be good to her and take care of yourself because you have a life inside you that needs you to be okay."
"Fine." I huffed out. I hated when people immediately took Britt's side in things, even if I did agree with them and she was right, this baby needed me.
"Let me know when you are flying in."
"Okay...I'll call you later."
I sat up in bed and rubbed my flat stomach. I hadn't begun to really show yet, just the slightest bump, but I could still sense the little bit of life that was growing inside of my body.
Even if it wasn't his blood, Ian had wanted this baby as his own and I had to honor that. I would need to cherish my children even more now that he was gone just like I'm sure that my mother cherished me more after my father was murdered.
I was sitting there with a hand pressed against my stomach, my head resting against the headboard as the tears slowly traveled down my cheeks. My head was aching, so I closed my eyes and sent out a silent pray for Ian.
With each breath I suppressed a loud sob and just tried my best to regain my composure, but it was just so hard, and it hurt so much.
All I wanted was to go back to this time yesterday, when I was still happy, and Ian was still alive.
I opened my eyes when I heard the door to my bedroom open. I knew that I looked like a wreck but when I looked at Britt's small smile, I knew that in her eyes I looked beautiful.
It was when I looked completely undone that she found me the most attractive...she had admitted that to me one drunken night, ages ago and as I sat there looking up at her I could tell that she still believed that.
Britt stood there with a plate in one hand and a glass in the other.
She was shifting from one foot to the other, biting her damn lip and I could tell that she didn't know what to say to me.
Normally, I would have offered help when she felt this unsure, but I just didn't have the energy to coddle her.
I did know though that what Mami said was true.
I knew that I couldn't afford to push Britt away...so I would try to be nicer.
Try...
Britt carried a huge plate with toast and a banana all sliced up with peanut butter and guava jelly. She had finally moved closer and was now leaning her legs against the edge of the mattress.
She slowly leaned forward and handed me the plate and then without hesitation I placed it down on the bed in front of me.
Food was the least of my worries.
She sighed heavily, seeing that I wasn't going to go into this easily, she put a glass of chocolate almond milk...the only kind of chocolate that I could stomach, on the bedside table.
After emptying her hands, she stood there twisting her fingers around each other, watching and waiting.
She was anxious. I hadn't been this version of myself in so long that I think she forgot how to deal with me.
I looked up at her and forced a smile.
"Thanks B. Did you eat, did you take your meds?" She smiled big and then let out a deep breath. This was the first time I had shown some care for her since last night.
"Not yet. I need to know you've eaten something first. I know that you said that you aren't hungry, but you should try to eat something...okay? It's important." she said to me as if she was afraid that I would pounce. I smiled and nodded just enough to show her that I agreed.
"Okay." I said as I pulled the plate into my lap. My stomach was rolling around, in hunger or nausea...I wasn't quite sure. I swallowed hard and then I picked up a piece of toast and brought it to my lips. As I opened my mouth I could feel the saltiness in my cheeks and knew immediately that it had been nausea that I was feeling. "Grab the plate. I gotta throw up!"
Britt quickly grabbed the plate, but I wasn't going to make it down the hallway as the bile was climbing from my throat, into my mouth. This was not shaping up to be a good day. Thankfully, B quickly grabbed the trash can and put it in my lap before I made a mess.
I hugged the mini trash can and emptied my stomach, since I hadn't eaten since the afternoon before, it was mainly stomach acid. The burning of it made me choke and cough. The gagging quickly turned into dry heaving until I was able to take a breath. I spit into the trash can, as I tried to get my breathing under control but the burning in my throat was making that difficult.
"Just keep breathing baby." I nodded feeling the tears in my eyes as I felt my chest begin close. It felt like more needed to come up but there was nothing left. More guilt hit me. I handed the trashcan back to Britt and then wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
Once I felt like it was safe, I rested back against the headboard and closed my eyes, I could feel the headache quickly becoming a migraine which was just the worst. Morning sickness had ended for me but now it seemed like it was making a comeback.
Britt took the trash can out of the room and came back with a glass of water. My throat was on fire and it felt like I was going to die from the pain. I was so happy when she sat beside me and handed me the glass but before I could drown myself in the glass, Britt rested a hand on my wrist.
I looked over at her desperately.
Why was she stopping me?
"Drink it slow okay?"
I nodded and then slowly slipped at the water until, I emptied the glass.
The pain in my throat subsided and I felt like I could breathe again.
After I finished off my water and gave the glass to Britt, there was a knock at the door. I wasn't ready to deal with any visitors, but these were the people who had shown me happiness and joy in the last few weeks, so I wouldn't deny them. I knew that they were worried. Britt looked over at me and I just nodded.
I was glad that she thought to ask and felt some of the tension between us subside. She yelled out that the door was open as she put her arm around me and pulled me against her.
The door cracked openly slowly and then in walked Rachel with Q behind her holding Isaac.
I put on a smile...or what I could push out and pass off as one.
"Thanks for getting him Q." I whispered.
Her eyes looked bloodshot and her hair was all over the place, but she was still smiling at me even if she definitely was not the calm and composed Quinn that we all know and love. I was thankful that she had gotten up when I couldn't.
When I saw Isaac with his head on her shoulder and his eyes staring unblinking at me...I knew that the fears in my dreams had been silly. He was all that I wanted...so I held my arms out for him.
"Ana...try and eat first before you hold him." Britt said before Q could hand him to me and there goes the irritation again. I looked at her and felt the anger start surging beneath my skin and pulsating through my veins.
I rolled my eyes and looked over at my best friend.
"Give him to me Q." I growled through gritted teeth, she looked between me and Britt and then over at Rachel. They had one of those silent conversations before Quinn looked back at me uneasily.
"You know what San, he smells a little stinky, I'm going to change him while you eat, and we will bring him back in a little bit."
I opened my mouth but before I could protest the girls were out the room with Isaac, Rachel quickly shutting the door behind them.
"Here, you need to eat something. You have to take care of yourself before you can properly take care of Isaac, which is something that Ian always said right?"
I looked at her with wide eyes, how she remembered that, I'll never know. She was right, so I reached for the plate and Britt smiled as she put the food back in my lap. I was so overwhelmed by everything, but I wasn't going to fight anymore because all I wanted was to hold Isaac.
I felt fresh tears leaking from my eyes as I bit into my food, but I ate anyway. I knew that I needed to take care of myself and the baby, but I just felt so unworthy of it all, like I should be dead instead of Ian.
"I just don't understand any of this, B." I said after swallowing down some toast. B looked up in shock. This was the first non-hostile statement that I had made, and she almost looked giddy that I had finally decided to let her in.
"Me either. He must have been in a dark place. I never thought that he could do something like this. When was the last time that you talked to him?"
"The night before. He called me to check in on Isaac and the baby. He asked me a million questions and then told me that he loved me. He seemed almost desperate and really, really tired. Then yesterday morning he called while I was giving Isaac a bottle. I missed the call...but I-I called him right back ten minutes later...he didn't answer so I left a message. Then um...I put him down for a nap and did some laundry. Then we had lunch, Isaac was getting fussy and so we went out for a walk. Ian never goes that long without calling back, so I called him again because it's not like him not to answer my calls."
"Yea...it's not."
"After that, I exercised...I read...then Isaac and I took another nap. Everything seemed normal except for Ian not calling so I called him again after I fed Isaac his dinner. No answer. I was about to give Isaac his bath before bed when Azimio called the first time, Isaac was crying so loud that I told him to call me back in an hour. I had just put Isaac down to sleep, then you called but I didn't answer because I was stepping into the shower. So, after I got dressed Z called again and that's when I found out that...I had him call Puck, because I knew he'd tell Q and you."
"I wish I had been here."
I leaned into Britt's open arms as I sobbed. She held me against her chest and the sound of her heartbeat calmed me a bit. Replaying the normal, mundane events of my day, there were so many red flags.
So many times, that I had called but he was already gone.
"Me too. If only I had answered that phone call, you know maybe I would have been able to talk him out of it."
"Don't blame yourself, Ana...you didn't know that he was going to do it. If we could change it...save him, we both would but nobody can save you from the demons in your head. You know that better than anyone."
"I know. What did Puck say? Do you know if Ian left a note?" I asked, no longer hungry just super nauseous.
"Yea. Apparently, he had given a letter to Puck to mail for him a week ago. Puck thought nothing of it...he said it is still sitting on his dresser. He is holding it for you."
"The letter was for me?"
"Yea. I asked Puck if Ian said anything when he gave him the letter, but he said no."
"Has anyone talked to Ian's mom?"
"I have no idea."
"This is all so unbelievable, why didn't he come to me?"
"I wish I had an answer for you, Baby."
"I know. I want it to be some bad dream, but I know it's not. I just feel so helpless."
"Me too. Do you...know when you want to head back to Lima?"
"As soon as possible, I'm sure his mom wants to get it over with. I know you can't come...you have to finish your classes so would you mind watching Isaac when I go?"
"Of course. He's my son too...officially now, you never have to ask me to watch him." Britt smiled.
We had just received his updated birth certificate two weeks before and had a whole celebration with Ian on Skype. He seemed genuinely happy that things had worked out this way.
Maybe it was because he knew that he wouldn't be here.
"Yea. I guess, I should buy my ticket then." I muttered as I finished off my toast and brushed my hands together above the plate, to get rid of the crumbs.
"I'll take care of that. Why don't you shower and get dressed, go see Izzy and I will take care of everything else."
"Thanks B, don't forget to take your pills."
"I won't forget. Go."
As I sat on the plane that night I couldn't think about anything but Ian.
He had been so excited to visit New York for the first time, next week. I had offered to give him the tour. I was supposed to be picking him up from the airport in just a week's time. How had it gotten so bad that he couldn't wait just a little while longer to get away from Lima?
There was something missing.
Something that I didn't know yet.
I was headed to Lima with two goals in mind.
ONE...
Bid farewell to Ian.
TWO...
Get some answers to all my questions.
Britt had been insanely anxious about putting me on a plan all by myself, but I insisted. She had every right to be anxious though because I was doing exactly what she didn't want me to do, I was stressing over Ian.
I had written a list of questions that I needed answered before I made my way back. I couldn't return to my son without knowing why he was now short a parent, a parent who was insistent on being in his life.
"Papa bear...what don't I know?" I mumbled to myself, as we flew over Ohio.
Life in New York had turned out better than I ever expected. It was great to have my wife and best friend there with me every day.
It was a blessing to have Isaac healthy and happy. He still had bad days when we had to give him his breathing treatments, but they were few and far between.
Then as annoying as her footsteps were, Rachel had fit in seamlessly, we had brunch on Sundays and picnics in central park. The girls had even taken Isaac a few nights so that B and I could go out on dates.
I had talked to Ian every day since we left and looking back I can see now the pain he was in. He seemed more and more detached as time went on. I knew that he had been fighting a lot with his mom and told me countless times that he just couldn't wait to move already.
I had offered him an extra bedroom at least once every day, but he turned me down every time.
There was so much I had missed, there were so many times that he had called me just to tell me he loved me. He still would go visit my mom and do the tough chores that she hated.
He was trying to stay connected to me and stay present in my life and I was so grateful for him and never said it enough. I should have noticed his pain. I should have helped him.
I know that Britt is right about not being able to fight your personal demons, but I would have helped him. I just wish that I could go back.
A/N: Reviews make updates happen faster. So, absorb the heaviness of it all and then tell me about it.
-NR