Chapter 3: When It Rains (Paramore)
I had tried to get some sleep on the plane but I couldn't make it happen no matter how hard I tried.
There was just so much that I didn't understand, there were so many questions that would probably be left unanswered and it had me at war with myself. Since I couldn't sleep, I opened up my notes app and typed up a to-do list of sorts that involved some serious mind boggling questions...as I looked down at them, I knew that I'd probably leave Lima with few of them answered but it helped somehow.
We were hovering over the airport for almost an hour because we hadn't been cleared to land yet and the whole entire time, my stomach was cramping from the nerves. At least I hoped it was the nerves.
I didn't feel nauseous anymore but the pain was kind of terrifying especially after all the crap that I had been through with Isaac. I had meant what I said to Marco, I wanted this pregnancy to be different, to be healthy and I was trying, even when I didn't feel like it. Normally, thinking of happy things made me feel better so I sat there thinking of Britt and Isaac, hoping that the thought of them would help me to relax enough but it only worked to dull the pain, unfortunately, which only meant one thing...I now had to add visiting Dr. Ramirez to my list of things to do.
Great! Ugh...
When the plane finally landed, another twenty minutes went by before we could unboard because of a commotion in the terminal. Sitting there, thinking of all the bad things that could be happening in the airport had my pressure up. The dull pain was now a full fledged ache that seemed a little too reminiscent of a worse moment. I found myself pushing my hands underneath my ass just to make sure that there was no moisture. The sigh of relief that I let out was only topped by the tears that slid down my cheeks. I was really beginning to freak out.
Hopefully it was just a fluke or the stress of my last few days.
I was so happy to see that Puck was actually waiting in the terminal with my luggage already in hand. He had finally shaved that ferret off his head and like me, was wearing sunglasses even though it was almost midnight in Lima. We were both a wreck and didn't feel like advertising our grief to the greater Ohio area. When he saw me, he pushed his sunglasses up to rest on his head and then he smiled at me but when I saw his bloodshot eyes I couldn't return the smile. Even though we had grown distant over the last year with him dating that devil's spawn, he and Ian had bonded.
A part of the reason that I had felt so comfortable leaving Ian here was because I knew that he had people like Puck around to distract him from his home life but apparently, that hadn't been enough.
Puck pulled my luggage as we walked silently side by side, both stuck in our own web of memories. I bit into my bottom lip as a craving hit me and then I tried to silently pray through it but between the heaviness of Ian's death, the pain in my back, and being away from my son yet again...I was finding it hard to not think of numbing myself the best way that I knew how.
Right then all I wanted was to be in my bed in New York curled up with Isaac, ignoring the world but instead I was stepping out into the Ohio midnight humidity feeling over everything.
By the time that we got to Puck's truck, I added exhaustion to my list of complaints but I still didn't have much to say as he told me about his plans for life now that we were technically adults but I was barely listening.
Noah threw my suitcase in the back of his pickup and then came around to the passenger side and put his hands on my shoulders, he looked somewhere over my head and then I saw a tear sneak past his sunglasses. He pulled me into a hug and I didn't fight it.
I rested my head against his chest and took a deep breath. The smell of him hit my nose and I immediately felt the comfort that he had always given me. Puck was my first savior, the one who showed me what it was to feel wanted. Like Ian, he would always hold a special place in my heart because he had gotten me through all the rough times before I met Ian.
He kissed the top of my head and then quickly pulled away knowing that I was on the verge of tears and that I didn't want to break down in such a public place.
The pain that had rocked me on the plane had subsided for the moment and I was beginning to think that it was all subconscious. Maybe the baby just needed a bit of extra comfort like I did.
Climbing up into Noah's big truck brought back so many memories. We had a ton of sex in and on that car and I'm sure I wasn't the only girl to claim it. Most people would be grossed out by the thought but I didn't really have any complaints when it came to my relationship with Noah, with the exception of him asking me to be his girl and then turning around and knocking up my best friend, which hurt worse than I liked to admit.
After he closed the big door and ran around to the driver's seat, I buckled up and put my feet up on the dash board. I was so tired!
Noah sat there and looked at me as he buckled up and rolled down the window. I could feel the sweat on my body fusing me with the leather seats, did he really think putting the windows down would help? It was August and even at midnight, it was over eighty degrees. I pushed the window back up and then cranked on the air. I was burning up and felt like I would die if the heat lasted another second. I heard him snicker as he revved up the truck. I rolled my eyes and then pulled my feet onto the seat with me. I could feel the exhaustion and crankiness setting in.
"Just like old times." he said as he turned on his favorite classic rock station, I groaned because I didn't get the appeal.
"Yeah, except its not." I bit out as I turned towards the window. I could feel the tears again and it was really pissing me off and I knew that it would only get worse, the closer we got to Lima.
"Yeah...it's not."
"This shouldn't be happening." I couldn't keep the emotion out of my voice as I spoke.
My fault.
"You shouldn't blame yourself TT."
"Let me guess...You talked to Britt?" I asked, my annoyance was peaking. I knew that she would call him. I just didn't expect him to agree with her.
A part of me expected him to hold himself accountable since he hadn't been more than a couple miles away when it happened. In fact, I'm sure that is part of the reason that he is taking it so badly.
"Yeah. I agree with her. I just saw him a few days ago and we went out and played pool. I knew that he seemed off, so I took him over to a strip club and we hung there for awhile and then we went back to my place and tossed back some beers. He was telling me all sorts of stuff and I should have done something other than just listen."
There's the guilt. So he did blame himself. I guess I wasn't as alone in that feeling as I thought.
We were both quiet for awhile as we made the hour long drive back to town. I was thinking about Ian and my last moments with him while Noah was humming to some song that sounded like the one before it and the one before that. The silence seemed louder than the conversation that we weren't having. My body ached and my head hurt but from what I could see, one of my oldest friends was also feeling the heaviness and I was pretty certain he didn't have the support around him that I did. I dropped my hand on his leg and waited for him to glance at me before I spoke.
"I know we haven't been close in a long time but I'm still here for you."
He glanced at me and then looked back onto the road and began to hum again.
"That means a lot, considering..." He trailed off but he knew me better, I wouldn't let it go.
"What did he tell you?" I finally asked as I squeezed his leg. I could feel him flinch and then he cleared his throat. He always did that when there was something tough on the tip of his tongue.
"Told me that you were the only girl he ever slept with." Noah smirked and then dropped his hand on top of mine and squeezed back. I pulled my hand away and glared at him.
"Before you say anything to ruin the sweetness of that, just remember that I know where you sleep and still have a key to your house." I threatened.
"Look, I'm not going to crap all over your memories, you were way out of his league so for him to step up to the plate for the first time and hit a home run, shit a grand slam is kinda bad ass."
Normally, I'd smirk and punch him but instead I just nodded my head and didn't fight him when he grabbed my hand and pulled it back to his leg. I could tell that he needed my comfort but wasn't going to ask for it. I sighed and rubbed at his thigh. He cleared his throat again and then glanced at me a second before looking back at the deserted highway.
"And just for the record, it was you that was out of your league when it comes to me." I finally said, trying to have some snark but he nodded and then cleared his throat.
For some reason, it seemed that he was the single person who could do that without getting under my skin or maybe it was because I didn't have the energy.
"He told me about his uncle. About how the guy did that stuff to him. Told me that the guy moved in to his house a few months ago. Just after graduation. Ian was crying out for my help, I'm sure of it but I just dropped him off at home and went out on a date with Olivia instead of inviting him to stay with me, I feel like a total douche."
I wish that I had words of encouragement for Puck but there's no way I could lift him up when I was still sitting heavy with guilt of my own. Instead, I just snuggled up close to him and rested my head on his shoulder. It was the best that I could do.
He turned up his stereo and I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the ache in my back and in my heart.
My head felt foggy as I listened to Noah sing along to Fleetwood Mac, which only made me think of Britt and home. Tears were slowly leaking from my eyes and soaking into Noah's shirt but he didn't seem to notice.
I only made it about halfway through Landslide playing before I reached forward and shut off the stereo and sat up. My palms itched as a craving hit me and I swallowed hard. I couldn't wallow right now, so I decided to escape into conversation.
"Did you open the letter he wrote me?"
"Nope...I was tempted but I knew how personal and genuine his feelings for you were. I didn't want to fuck with it. He loved you...like more than anyone."
"Why didn't you send it?"
"I just got busy with my little miss and forgot all about it."
"Maybe..." I didn't want to blame him because Ian could have sent it himself and Noah did have his own responsibilities but maybe if I had gotten it, I could have stopped him before he did it. He sighed and nodded then took a shuddering breath.
"I know. I'm so fucking sorry."
Blame did nothing at the end of the day, I still felt like it was my fault but on the surface I knew, he was an adult. I took a deep breath and wiped at my tears after taking off my sunglasses.
No more hiding. This was what it was.
"Do you know how it happened? How he did it?" This had been one of my first questions. How premeditated was it? What state of mind was he in?
"Do you really want to know? Can you handle it?"
My laugh was bitter in response, he had no idea what the last year of my life had been like. After New York and Marco, I could handle just about anything...sadly, even this.
"Tell me." I sighed.
"He woke up in the morning, had breakfast with his family and then locked himself in his room and put a gun to his chest...bullet went right through his heart. His uncle found him."
"But Ian hated guns." Then I remembered something...please God don't let it be that. Had I left my father's gun in that car that I gave him? Where was the car now? Where was the gun? "Did they say anything about where he got the gun?" Now I had ten times the questions. Most people don't wake up and shoot themselves...right? I mean other than Hemingway. How fucking dramatic. This was all so overwhelming and if it was my father's gun, my gun that he used this is just going to hurt even more.
Shit.
"I have no idea, man. If he hated guns, how could he do this? How the hell did he get that gun? It's just so fucked up!" I jumped when Noah banged his hand against the steering wheel. He pulled off the highway and stopped along side the shoulder. He rested his head on the steering wheel and broke down. I rubbed his back and kissed the back of his bald head. "It's just so wrong!" he sobbed.
"Yea...its all fucked up." More guilt filled me.
"He could have come to us."
"He did."
"I can't believe this is happening."
"But it is...its all confusing and fucked up. He was also a devout catholic and didn't believe in suicide but here we are! Stuck in this miserable, stinking existence and it just seems that the more we know, the more questions we have."
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
After a few moments, Noah regained his composure and then shifted back into gear. He wiped at his face and then hid behind his sunglasses again. I could tell that this wasn't the first time that he broke down but I knew it was the first time that he had let it happen in front of anyone. I rubbed his leg and turned the music back on but very low. It was only to comfort him, not to drive me and the baby crazy.
I wiped the tears on my face once again and then put my sunglasses back on too.
"Did they make arrangements yet, I mean I know it's only been two days but I figured that it would happen soon."
"Yes. I talked to his mom this afternoon. She threw it together with the money from his college fund that his grandfather left him."
"I would have helped. Did you tell her that?"
"Yea I did but she didn't like that. In fact his mom asked that...you not come to the service at all. She said you could do a private viewing but that's it."
"I don't understand? Why would she not want me there? I'm the mother of his child."
"I told her that. I tried to talk to her about how much he would want you there but that only enraged her."
"This is all so fucked up, if anyone he'd ONLY want me there."
"But he's not here, he doesn't get a say anymore."
"Fuck, Noah." I said, throwing my head back and trying not to lose it again.
"All I know is that a lot of the fighting between Ian and his mom was about you."
"But why? I have never done anything wrong to her. I have never done anything to hurt him."
"...um...ok." he stuttered. I pulled back from him and glared. Was he serious right now? Who the fuck was he to think something like that?
"What is that supposed to mean? You think I hurt him?"
"Um..."
"Answer me, Noah!"
"You strung him along...I mean I don't think you did it on purpose but its kind of what you do."
"Pull over." I growled.
"We are almost to your mom's house. If you are going to be pissed at me that's fine...but at least let me take you home."
"Fine."
I sat there with my arms crossed over my chest, looking away from him and instead of letting me stew in my own dramatic fashion, he kept right on plowing through my hurt.
"You can either throw a tantrum or you can go talk to her...at least so you can figure out when you can do a private viewing."
"I'm going to the service, Puckerman, whether you or her like it or not. She can't stop me."
"She can and I can guarantee you that she will."
"I have never done a thing to that woman for her to ban me from attending his service. I loved Ian. I want you and her and everyone to fucking understand that I loved him! I tried to make it work. God knows...I tried to make my heart love him the way I love Britt but it just didn't happen."
"Do you really mean that?"
"Yes."
"You should tell her that. You're right, you should be there."
"What, now you think I should go?"
"Well yeah, you're right. You are the mother of his child, so demand your right to be there. Ian loved you and Izzy above anyone else and if what you are saying is true...and I know it is because you don't just go admitting that kind of thing, then I think you should be there. He loved you best."
"Maybe that's it...you think that maybe she's jealous?"
"Beats me, I just know that you are both stubborn women and I don't want to get in the middle of that."
"I am going to talk to her...maybe take her out for coffee or something."
"Or you know maybe go to mass...you Catholics like that sort of thing right? Mass is like a secret society meeting right? Sisters in Christ?"
"Really? You are talking to me about mass? You're not even catholic!" I couldn't help the smile that graced my lips. Leave it to NoNo to turn my mood around so quickly.
"I know but you are and once upon a time you used to make mass three times a week and I know that she is super Catholic...so go to mass tomorrow morning and then take her for coffee afterwards or something. What can it hurt?"
"Yea? Okay."
"I mean she can't hate you anymore than she already does."
"Gee, thanks."
"Do it for Ian."
"Okay...yea...ok."
I had Noah drive me through Lima Heights on the way home because I wanted to drive past Ian's house and sure enough, there sat my old BMW outside the house. I had half a mind to take it back because I still had a key to it but I didn't want to piss off his mom even further.
"He loved that car." Noah said as we crept past the house.
"I'm glad."
"Are you going to let his mom keep it?"
"I guess, it was my dad's. You know he has that whole garage full of cars. That thing was my training wheels, I crashed into the courthouse in it. That's where my attachment ends. She can have it."
"That's nice of you."
"Meh." I shrugged and then rubbed my palms together as we passed a few guys on the corner.
No.
I couldn't go there.
Be sober, Lopez.
"Here." Noah said just as I was plotting my next safety net. The envelope was tinted blue and I smiled, knowing that it came from the colorful box that Britt had bought Ian randomly when she needed cashback.
God, I missed her.
And him.
I held tight to that envelope with his scratchy version of my name and address. I traced my fingers into the groves that the pen left behind as if that would make me feel closer to him.
Then we were pulling into the driveway of my father's house and I felt another note of sadness hit me.
Papi.
Is this how my life would go? Would I just keep losing people?
This whole situation was just so unbelievable but I was finally starting to accept that it was indeed happening. There was so much that I knew needed my attention. I couldn't keep harping on the questions that weren't really going to help me in the end. I had to be strong. I had to put up a wall so thick that nothing would be able to break me down. I wanted to get home to Britt and Isaac in one piece. That was my ultimate goal.
I took deep and steady breaths as I walked side-by-side with Noah. He pulled my carry-on as he held my hand in his. The letter was burning my fingers so I shoved it deep into my purse. I would deal with it later when I was all alone. I knew that when I got in the house, I would want to sit with Mami for awhile and if she knew about the letter she would want me to read it to her.
Once we were at the door, I kissed his cheek and then waited for him to head back to his truck before I put my key in the lock. I really didn't need him hovering. He revved up his car and then turned up his Johnny Cash. I shook my head and then pushed inside.
I was incredibly anxious about being back home. Although it was only the second week of August, it was almost three weeks to the day, since I last was home and in that time so much had happened, it seemed like an eternity. I was already used to the hustle and bustle of the city so the silence was deafening.
I realized how much I hated the silence.
How had I existed so long in it?
When I stepped into the house it seemed big and empty just like it always had. All of the lights were off with the exception of the kitchen. It was well past midnight but I knew that Mami would wait up for me no matter how long it took me to get home.
I gasped as a shooting pain went through my abdomen and made my body tremble. I felt my stomach contract and then slowly the pain went away. I rubbed at my stomach and took deep cleansing breaths. I hoped that my stomach would relax once I got some rest. I eased the door closed and put my bag down in the foyer. I was so tired and so alert at the same time.
My bladder kicked into gear and even though I knew she waiting, I made my way down to Papi's office and into the bathroom. I just had to be sure that I was okay. I looked down into the toilet bowl and was relieved that there wasn't even a hint of pink.
Thank God. I couldn't lose anything else right now.
Once my hands were clean and my bladder was empty, I felt like I cold breathe again. I wiped my face and took off my sunglasses, not wanting to hear Mami give me crap for wearing them at night in a dark house.
The kitchen was lit only by the light over the center island. Mami sat there engrossed in a book and didn't look up even though I am sure that she heard me the moment Noah pulled into the driveway.
"Hey Mami." I whispered as I placed my purse down on one of the bar stools. I smiled as I watched her finish off her page and then close the book.
I had come by my love of reading honestly. It was the thing that bonded us when I was a kid. She would always bring me a book from her travels and convinced Papi to do the same when he could remember. He did it for a little while but then forgot but Mami had faithfully filled up my library until it was bursting at the seams.
When she looked up at me, I could see the dark rings under her eyes and that her eyes were rimmed with red. Ian's death had gotten to her. I knew that she loved Brittany and that she accepted our relationship but I also knew that she saw Ian as a son-in-law. She loved him like the son that she never had. I know that finding out about this while she sat in the house all alone, probably brought back tons of memories. This was a lot for her to handle alone. We needed each other. She looked up at me and let out a heavy sigh before standing to her feet.
"Ay mija. It's good to see you." she smiled and walked over to me. I tensed as I felt her standing inches from me.
I towered over her but even with my five inches of height difference, I always felt like a little girl when I was in front of my mother. The moment that I was enveloped in my mother's arms I felt the tears come back full force. She held me close to her as I sobbed, I leaned down onto her shoulder awkwardly, sniffling like a big baby. I felt no shame. It felt so good to just be held by her with no judgments.
Britt had done her best to soothe me but her questions were too much all at once...she had never lost anyone. The pain was only secondary to her.
Mami remained silent as she rubbed my back giving me the quiet comfort that I needed at that moment. I was just so overwhelmed. The ache in my back eased a bit at her touch and I was endlessly grateful.
After a few more tears I finally pulled back, feeling like I was strong enough to be able to sit and talk with her. Mami looked me up and down before releasing her hold on my shoulders. I had on loose fitting jeans and a Columbia shirt. I was comfortable but still looked presentable. I wore no makeup and my hair was hanging down in its natural curls. Normally, it would bother me to look so plain but I really didn't have the energy to care. She led me to a bar stool and helped me to sit down as if I was an invalid. I allowed it. I was just tired...really fucking tired.
When I was sitting she ran a hand across my cheek and leaned in to kiss my forehead. I smiled as I soaked up the smell of her. Spicy honey is what Britt called it...I just called it Mami. When she was finally sitting down again, across from me she folded her hands on top of her book and looked me straight in the eyes.
"I offered for him to stay here you know. Before and after my heart attack but he turned me down."
"He told me. I urged him to take you up on it and right now, I really wish that he had."
My stomach rumbled and I rolled my eyes. A day full of nausea and now the kid was hungry? Did it know that Mami wouldn't let it go?
I swear, Ian if this is you...fuck. I felt more tears and just let them fall.
"When was the last time that you ate?" I shook my head as I adjusted myself on the stool. Britt had made sure that I had eaten when I got on the plane at around five and I had promised that I would eat when I got in but I didn't even feel like stopping once I was in Dayton.
"I don't want to eat."
"Porque?"
"Ay MamÃ, I just feel too sick to eat." I said waving her off. She wasn't going to back down though, I knew better than to try and just brush her off. It was pointless to even try.
"Well too bad. That baby has to stay healthy. No more tragedies."
"I know...you sound like Britt now."
"Great! I'm glad she is on top of you."
"Wanky." Mami glared and I rolled my eyes. "She's more than on top of me she practically spoon feeds me."
"Well can you blame her? Your last pregnancy was a disaster. You were underweight, you had the diabetes...you did that...stuff. It was very stressful for all of us, especially Isaac. Your body took a beating and so now you have to be extra careful this time."
"Okay, okay. I know!" I got this kind of speech everyday from Britt and Quinn...don't even get me started on Rachel trying to shove that vegan shit down my throat...gross. Ugh!
Mami rolled her eyes at me and started pulling food containers out of the refrigerator. I hated to eat this late but I don't think she cared. I'm glad I hadn't told her about the shooting pains because I would have been on my way to the hospital the moment that I stepped into the kitchen. The pain had stopped but there was still a tingling going on down there. It was creeping me out but I just sat quietly, as she got ready to heat up rice, beans and chicken, I was hoping and praying that the baby was okay.
"Oh...and don't forget to call Brittany. You should have been here over an hour ago, so just let her know that you got here safely." Mami said over her shoulder as she put my plate together to go in the microwave.
"Crap. She is not going to be happy." I mumbled as I dug around in my purse for my phone.
Seven new messages. Ugh...I hope she isn't too upset. I couldn't deal with any extra drama.
R u there yet?-B
Y hsnt ur plne landed?-B
Call me, Ana!-B
Puck says he drppd u off...call me.-B
Wats tkin so lng?-B
Pttng Izzy dwn 4 da nite. Still w8ing 4 ur call-B
K, now im strtng 2 wrry :(-B
I knew that she was extra anxious but this was borderline extreme, really seven messages? Mami put a huge serving of food in front of me and then headed over to the refrigerator to put things back and grab me some water. I sighed as I looked at my phone. I was trying to decide if I should call before or after I ate when all of a sudden a call was coming through...I guess she made the decision for me.
"Hey B!"
"Ana...hey baby. How are you?"
"I'm alive."
"Um...ok. Did you eat?"
"I am currently sitting in front of a huge plate of arroz con pollo. Mami is insisting I eat something."
"That's good, was your flight okay?"
"I guess there was some delay. How was Isaac after I left?"
"He was very fussy. Started wheezing a little. He's okay now though."
"Did you give him a treatment?"
"Yes. He was fine afterwards."
"Okay, well you should take him in to see his doctor tomorrow just to check on things."
"I will."
"I'm going to call you when I head to bed, Mami is giving me a death glare since I'm not eating."
"Okay...enjoy your food."
"Thanks."
"I love you."
"I love you too, B."
I hung up the phone and just sat there looking down at plate, waiting for the nausea to come but it never did.
Odd.
My nausea when faced with food had become a constant for days. Maybe I missed my mother's cooking? I could feel Mami's eyes on me and was suddenly feeling like I was five again and I wasn't allowed to leave the table unless I finished my food. I looked up at her and smiled before looking down again and gripping my spoon. (I hated eating with forks...fun fact about me.) I jumped when Mami cleared her throat...have I ever mentioned how much that annoys me? Because it really fucking does.
"Eat, Santana!" I cringed at her use of my full first name. She meant business.
I lifted the spoon to my lips and began to eat slowly. I didn't want a repeat of that morning when I was hugging the trashcan. My body though, seemed to be in a totally different place because my taste buds were going crazy with all the amazing flavors of Mami's cooking. Nausea was the furthest thing from me as I began to inhale the food on my plate.
About halfway through, I began to get full so I slowed down and drank some of the ice cold water. Mami still watched me as she drank her cafe con leche. I knew that she was going to watch me the entire time and it made me anxious. The food was amazing but I just didn't have a pregnant woman's appetite. I could never overeat. It just wasn't in me.
"So, Mami...what are you doing tomorrow?" Even though I already knew what my mother's agenda was on Sunday's I had a point in my line of questioning.
"I'm going to morning mass, then I have a council meeting and after that I'm playing tennis with your mother in law back on the courts."
"I didn't know Susan played tennis."
"I've been teaching her. She comes over and we chat and then I kick her ass at tennis."
"Just watch yourself...those Pierce women are fast learners. I taught Britt how to handstand and now she can do it one handed. It's sick."
"I am starting to see that. It's all in good fun though, so what do you have planned?"
"I'm kind of taking things as they come. Would you mind waking me up so that I can go to mass with you? It's still at six right?"
Which was in four hours.
"Yes...just like always. You haven't made six am mass with me since your quincenera. I'm surprised."
"I do enjoy church you know." I said as I stabbed at my piece of chicken with the dull edge of the spoon before giving in and picking it up with my fingers.
"I know that...it's just random. You know your Abuela will be there."
"That's doesn't matter to me. She still isn't speaking to me anyway. This is not about her."
"Then what's it about?"
"I just feel so lost in all of this...Ian really threw me for a loop. I need to reconcile with my faith and my God. I need to understand why he did what he did."
"And?" she kept pressing...damn her for knowing when I'm skating around an issue.
"That's the reason."
"So, it has nothing to do with the fact that Ian's mother also goes to every mass, faithfully?"
I felt my cheeks get hot as I shoveled the last of the rice into my mouth, so I didn't have to answer her. She knew me too well, probably better than I knew myself. I looked up and saw that knowing smirk on Mami's face. I swallowed and shrugged my shoulders in defeat. Fine...I would fill her in since she was so freaking nosy.
"Okay, fine...that may have something to do with it."
"Why do you want to see her?"
"Noah told me that she is barring me from the funeral. She doesn't want me there and I just want to talk to her about it."
"Barring you? On what grounds? Why would she want to do that?"
"I don't know but I'm going to find out."
"You aren't going to cause a scene in the church, are you because I still live here."
"Ay, no mami! I know better than that. Besides, I don't want to make an already bad situation, even worse. I just want to pay my respects to the father of my child. I feel like that isn't asking for much. Is it?"
"No...it's not."
"I promise to be respectful. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Thank you for everything, Mami. I'm really stuffed...do you mind if I head to bed?" I still had a little bit of food left on my plate but I honestly couldn't eat another bite. The tingling in my stomach had faded away and sleepiness was finally setting in...thank God!
"Okay, mija, I'll walk you up." She cleared my plate and rinsed it before sticking it in the dishwasher. I waited patiently for her in the foyer with my bag in hand. She looked at me uneasily but didn't say anything as I began to climb the stairs. I was glad that she wasn't insisting on carrying my bag because I didn't want to be babied but on the other hand, I was insanely glad that she walked the entire way with a hand pressed to my lower back so that I remained stable.
When we reached the top of the steps, I kissed her cheek while I held tight to my bag. She looked relieved that I had managed the stairs safely and so was I.
"Te amo, Anita." She said.
"Te quiero, Mami." I whispered back when she left me outside my door and walked to her end of the hall.
From the moment that I was in my old bedroom, I felt peace settle over me. There weren't many memories of me and Ian in this room, thankfully. It was an eerie feeling to always sense a person after they die but here in this room, I felt at peace to have a breather from it. I leaned against the door and tried to calm my breathing. The panic attack was lingering in the background, waiting to pounce but I wouldn't let it. I walked slowly over to my bed and got down on my knees.
"Senor...Ayudarme! I feel so helpless. You have held me up so much in this past year when I wanted to give in, you have watched over Isaac...you even helped me find peace in my marriage. Please be with me tomorrow. I can't do this without you. Watch over my family and friends tonight...please have mercy on Ian's soul. In your blessed name...Amen"
I pushed down on the bed and stood back on my feet, feeling a little queasy. My whole body felt tired and achy. It was insanely late but I knew that I needed to wash the day off of me. I could feel the tears as I headed into the bathroom. I remembered how Ian and I had thought we'd conceived this baby in a shower. How he held me close as I cried. How he laid claim to it even after he knew the truth. Now here I was three and a half months later, preparing myself to put him in the ground.
The fact that Ian would never get to see the face of this baby that he claimed as his own, made my very soul ache. Standing in the shower was too much for me but I still pushed through, scrubbing my body until my skin was sore. The pain reminded me that I was still here.
The water had started to run cold when I finally stepped out of it with my whole body feeling weighted down. I was filled with so much sorrow and loathing. I rubbed my hands over my stomach and could feel how hard it was and how it was becoming rounded even though it still looked flat. I was in awe that I was going to do this pregnancy thing again. I was scared.
I stood there looking at my reflection in the mirror for a long time before I began to dry myself. I kept looking at the scar that sat at my hairline, the scar that brought Isaac into the world. Ian had been so fascinated with it. I cried as I remembered him kissing it and running his long fingers over it. I remember the lust that awoke in me and how I wished that it was love. I touched the scar and felt the shooting pain again. I almost buckled over but caught myself. I leaned heavily on the counter top and took deep breaths. I definitely needed to make it a point to see Dr. Ramirez.
Moisturized, minty and dressed in a giant shirt, I turned off the bathroom light and made my way into my childhood bedroom. I could sense a presence as I ran a towel through my hair and when I looked up there sitting on my bed was Quinn looking freshly showered and in her pajamas. I stood there shell shocked as she looked up at me with tired eyes. She seemed unsure of what to say but that apparently wasn't a problem for me.
"What are you doing here?"
"I just couldn't let you do this alone. I caught the flight right after yours stopped in to see Judy and then came straight here. I hope you don't mind." She said as she stood up and held her arms open to me. I smiled and rushed into her arms nearly knocking her over with my excitement. I hadn't realized just how much I wanted someone here with me.
"How did you get in?" I asked, suddenly wondering if she just climbed through my window or something.
"I called ahead to let your mom know that I was on my way...plus I still have a key." she said as she jangled the keys in front of my face.
"I'm so glad you're here." I said hugging her close to me again.
"Me too. Gladys told me that we are going to mass tomorrow morning. That it was your idea?"
"Yea. I need to go."
"Good. I'm glad that you decided to go. No matter what your reasons are." She hinted that she knew more than she was letting on.
"Did she tell you anything else about why I wanted to go?"
"Mrs. Perkins." she said while raising an eyebrow.
"Yea."
"Well I'm glad I came then. You're going to need me."
"Am I?"
"You don't think you're going to need my amazing people skills and manners?"
"Of course I do, you know that I just have rage and always go to the yelling place. I'm just really glad that you came...thanks Q."
I hadn't realized just how much I missed attending mass. I sat close to the front and found myself completely drawn in. I sat between Quinn and Mami as the priest went on and on about the trials and tribulations that keep us from being good Christians. He seemed to be tailoring the message to me but maybe I was just feeling a little guilty about everything.
For years, when I attend mass, it's usually in West Lima, closer to home. No one knows me there, not really but Mami had still kept with her same parrish. The same one that I was confirmed in that sat on the border between Lima proper and Lima Heights.
This was how Mami knew I was here with a purpose because I hadn't been here since Ari. Since...things started to become serious with Marco.
I kept finding myself peeking across the pews looking for the woman that could be Ian's mother but I was surrounded by a sea of blonde hair and blue eyes. I realized then that I had no idea what this woman looked like. What I did notice though was my Abuelita, she was sitting on the pew in the front of us in the next aisle. She looked almost annoyingly happy.
Mami had pointed it out and commented that it was because I had come but I couldn't help but feel like it was something more than that, something darker and more spiteful. That wasn't the look of a loving grandmother that was happy about the return of her prodigal nieta, no that was the look of someone who was gloating.
The time flew by and before I knew it, mass was over. I sat quietly as I waited for everyone else to stand up. I was hoping that my grandmother would pass right by us but I wasn't so lucky. I heard her clear her throat from directly in front of us. I looked up and saw her standing with a gorgeous blue eyed, jet black haired woman. Abuela didn't say a word to me as she looked between me and Mami. She just smiled that gloating smile. I knew it so well because I had one identical to it. This wasn't good.
"This is her, Megan." Abuelita said as she looked towards me again. I cocked an eyebrow and stood to my feet. I had intended to seek out Mrs. Perkins but she ended up seeking me out and with my grandmother's help she had found me.
"Santana Lopez? Imagine my shock to see you here this morning."
"Yes ma'am. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Perkins."
I smiled genuinely and found myself resting a hand to my stomach as a pain shot through me. I felt a little unstable as I looked into her cold ice blue eyes. They were identical to Ian's but there was no warmth there. This was the woman that had made the last few months of Ian's life miserable.
Her very presence reeked of superiority but I knew that she lived in a rundown place in Lima Heights. I knew that she could barely afford to feed her family but I wasn't going to make this about that. I was going to be respectful. I was doing this for Ian and for Isaac.
The woman nodded and looked around me and at Q, briefly appraising her before looking back at me.
"Is this Brittany?"
"Oh no, this is my best friend Quinn. Brittany is back in New York with my son."
"My grandson, Isaac."
"Yes."
"Why didn't you bring him?"
"I wanted to but I didn't think his lungs could handle it. He has been a very sick boy."
"Yes...I've heard why." she said as she looked me over again.
I felt my blood freeze in my veins. Had Ian told her? Very few people outside of family knew the real reason why Isaac was sick. She cocked her eyebrow and I swallowed hard. Fuck. This was not good.
"..."
I was speechless. I felt Mami and Quinn both place a hand on my arms. They were afraid that I was going to lash out and cause a scene but they couldn't even begin to understand how I felt as I looked at this woman. I felt like I was on the verge of tears. I heard Abuelita sniff with disdain. My eyes snapped to her and I could see that she was still smirking. It had been her. She had told this woman about my addiction. She had told her how I almost killed my son. I was heartbroken.
"Would you mind joining me for coffee? We should talk, I know that's why you're here." she said snapping me from my thoughts.
"Of course. I was hoping to sit down and talk with you at some point. Do you mind if Quinn comes along?" Just from the way this woman was acting in the church I knew that I couldn't go anywhere with her alone.
"That's fine. Do you know where my house is?"
"Yes ma'am. I used to drop Ian off there all the time."
I saw her flinch when I mentioned his name and knew immediately that this wasn't going to be an ordinary tea. She nodded after her brief flinch and then looked down at her watch before looking back up at me.
"Lets say nine?" she said sweetly. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.
"We'll see you then."
The moment that the two women walked away, I sucked in a deep breath. I had one hand on my stomach and the other on my head. I was getting a headache trying to hold in all the tears. It seemed like things were just getting harder and harder and just like Britt predicted, it was making me sick.
But I needed to be at his service, I needed to make nice with his mother and if nothing else, I needed to be there on behalf of my son.