AN: The rating change will make itself apparent later on (slow burn) but aside from more romantic reasons for an M rating I'm planning on touching on some darker themes and felt it necessary to offer some level of warning. I wanted to say thank you to those who review and offer some constructive critiques. I will endeavor to put them into effect. Also, side note I had to go see TLJ again when I started seeing people talk about the texts in FF because I completely missed that she grabbed them. Sneaky Sneaky. That being said I hope you enjoy this chapter.
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Rey was not known for her patience, but here she was pouring over the Jedi texts in front of her. If someone were to have asked how long she was attempting to study the strange texts the young woman would have been tempted to reply that she'd been at this forever. In actuality, she had been studying them for the better part of five hours straight, no small feat. But it still did not produce much understanding in her mind. "I guess this is why a teacher is needed." She whispered to herself half sarcastic and half exasperated.
After reading the same passage and still gaining no understanding, she let out a groan before falling back to lay sprawled out on the floor of her cabin. While she lay there Rey could feel her pulse race with an anger that simmered beneath the surface. It was painfully obvious that she was no Jedi, and there was little hope that she would become one if her current situation was any indication. However, there was one thing that she seemed to understand from the texts - Anger was dangerous, a path to the Dark Side. In an effort to follow one of the few lessons she understood Rey closed her eyes trying to connect with the Force and let this anger flow out of her.
It felt easy for her now to slip into the gentle stream that was the constant flow of energy around her. It felt as normal to her as breathing. Finn had seen her in such a state and mistook her to be asleep, but Rey knew she could never fall asleep in this state as it demanded her attention and would not lull her.
Before she could take note that anger had slipped from her body and she was filled with that weightless feeling she had become accustomed to. Slowly the gentle hum of the ship faded from her senses. A clear warning that their Bond was forming, but instead of rousing herself to greet her dark partner she was content to stay in this state of in between.
Kylo Ren watched Rey's sprawled form perplexed at her position. Her mind felt as if it were far away from him, and yet all around him. Thankfully he was alone in his quarters and so he was free to watch her without interruption. His thoughts drifted to the last time they spoke, and as he thought on this he found himself studying her features, committing them to memory. The Supreme Leader had hoped that their talks would have provided answers, and while they had these answers only produced more questions and kept the enigma of Rey on his mind more often than he cared to admit. Not wanting to ponder on this much longer he broke the silence. "Hello, Rey."
His deep baritone seemed to seep into her, rather than simply hearing him. She could see him so clearly in this state, the darkness, of course, swirled around him but so did the light. The two flaring occasionally, so that it reminded her of solar flares. "Hi, Ben," she whispered almost as an afterthought. Being more focused than previous occasions she noticed how his heart skipped a beat when she said his name. She had expected anger, or fear but not nervousness. Her brow creased at this, and the questions it brought to her mind. "You're nervous," she spoke clearly as she opened her eyes to stare at Kylo Ren. Standing above her, arms crossed and a guarded look in his dark brown eyes was the image she found.
He felt his eyes narrow a fraction before he decided to offer a warning "That's dangerous." To anyone else, he would have been able to intimidate her into submission, but not with Rey.
Rey, in turn, narrowed her eyes back at him "So is talking with you." She snapped at him before letting out a frustrated huff. Futilely she tried to attain that same in-between space she had occupied before.
"You're annoyed." He said this as he sank to sit beside her head, without much difficulty he could feel her ripple of annoyance at the interruption. Yet stubbornly she kept her eyes screwed shut. But instead of the tranquil and almost euphoric expression on her face as before, he could easily see frustration spark to life across her features. "And not just at me. You're annoyed at something else." He continued and watched her carefully. After a few moments, he let out a small sigh and nudged her shoulder, startling her enough to snap her eyes open. "The answers aren't in your head." He said stoically before adopting a softer expression. "What's annoying you?"
A soft expression was not something Rey was expecting from Kylo Ren, but then again she seldom knew what to expect with the impulsive man. Detecting only understanding and curiosity from him she decided to take a chance and speak. "The books, they don't make sense." She whispered and tore her eyes from his, ashamed at her lack of understanding. What kind of Jedi could she be if she couldn't even understand the basic tenants?
Kylo Ren watched her war with her pride and her shame. How often had he found himself in that same war throughout his life? He had wished someone to settle the war and felt an urge to do something for her. "They confused me too. Most of us didn't understand them either." He offered in an attempt to let her see she wasn't alone in this war.
Carefully, her eyes drifted to his dark brown eyes. Seeing trepidation in those soft brown eyes he pressed on "Even Luke had difficulty." He spoke softly, as he watched her. Thankfully it seemed that his words took off the edge of the shame she felt, and slowly she moved to sit up and face him once again. "You're expecting too much of yourself. You're learning all of this on your own. I had a teacher and fellow students and I still had difficulty with it."
Hearing him say that Rey noticed that the pressure that seemed to have settled around her when she began her studying lift slightly. A quick smirk flashed across her face, rewarding him for the comfort he had offered. She gave a subtle nod and rolled her shoulders already feeling lighter. She deftly reached out and pulled a familiar piece of black fabric about her shoulders as she settled into a comfortable position to continue speaking with Kylo Ren.
That same warmth came to spread through him as he watched her encase her smaller form in his black cloak. Shock rippled the air between them "You kept it." The words tumbled from his lips unbidden. He had half expected her to incinerate the thing.
Her brown eyes widened slightly before looking at the dark fabric around her shoulders. A soft heat seemed to crawl over her face as she had been caught with the stolen fabric. "I'm not used to the cold." She offered as a meager excuse, attempting to veil her affinity for the fabric - even from herself. Steeling her nerves she looked back to him, "Do you need it back?" She asked while she tried to quell the worry that she would be parted from the cloak.
The young man watched her for a moment unable to understand the feelings of embarrassment and affinity that seemed to flow from her. Slowly he shook his head to her question and was further amazed at the relief she felt. Rey didn't hold back the small smile at this and pulled it closer to her - clearly happy to keep her blanket.
Needing a distraction, and not wanting to dwell on this he decided to change the subject. "What part was confusing you?" He asked taking solace for a moment by looking tot he ground before raising his gaze back to match hers.
A frustrated sigh flew from her mouth before she responded. "The books seem to suggest that having emotions or any attachments isn't part of being a Jedi." She shook her head as a frown marred her features. "I can't wrap my mind around that, how am I supposed to be compassionate and-"
"Be a robot." Kylo Ren interrupted her, finishing her sentence. It was a thought he and many of his fellow students had shared in their teachings. He watched her nod slowly and her shoulders drooped as she admitted this. "Obviously, I didn't get it either." He continued with a subtle edge at admitting his own failure. He straightened his posture before he continued, forcing his voice to remain impassive. "A Jedi isn't ruled by their emotions. You must block them, bury them deep." He recited the lesson as he had heard it from Luke in his childhood.
"But that's insane. Our emotions are what makes us who we are, without that what are we?" She interjected, eyes aflame passionate even as she defended her point.
"According to the Jedi, you're only meant to keep order. To be a servant to the Light." His voice sounded cold even to his own ears, it was disconcerting to hear himself say the very phrases Luke had spoken. "To let your emotions go unchecked is a path to the Dark side."
Rey seemed to breath more raggedly as he said this, fear touching her mind. "Is it really?" She asked in a questioning and yet challenging tone.
"It seems to be, look at me." The dark haired man watched her as he felt that same firey pull from her. She wanted to challenge.
She shook her head "That's not true. It's like you're blocked, you can't seem to connect with the Dark." She said pressing her point "You're conflicted." Her voice seemed to bang around inside his head, the same words Snoke and Luke had said to him countless times.
"Yes, I am." He admitted jaw tensing as he said this.
Her eyes held that wild passion that seemed to always be just under the surface with her. "One moment you're nothing but your emotion and then the next it's like you have no feelings. Don't you see how you go back and forth?" She kept pressing challenging him again. And while he had been challenged before this wasn't an attempt to convince him of anything. It seemed like she was challenging the concept more than she was challenging him. That helped to take away some of the anger that her challenging roused in him.
Deciding to try and help her understand the lesson he decided to press on, pulling a painful memory from their past. He steeled himself ready for the pain that would come. "Think back to the forest. Your anger, what did it tell you then?" His voice held a tightness to it as he spoke. Reminding himself of that time when she rightfully hated him wasn't pleasant.
Apparently, it wasn't pleasant for either of them as Rey curled into herself clutching at the dark fabric on her shoulders. They were different now, and so she pushed herself to reflect on that time trusting that this would help her understand. "It told me to kill you." She whispered not at all happy with that thought now.
Kylo Ren had known the answer before it came, that night he could clearly see her intent in those same soft brown eyes. "Exactly." He said with that same tightness before.
While her previous voice was quiet almost reluctant to say the words it seemed to raise in tone as she rushed to challenge and defend. "But Jedi kill, otherwise why would they ever make a lightsaber?"
Ruefully Kylo Ren shook his head. "Not for personal reasons. Only to restore order and serve the Light. That night it was personal." He said softly as he watched her cover herself almost completely with his cloak. "That was the Dark side."
She could remember the whispers in that moment, how they seemed to lance her thoughts and fester in the wounds they opened. They sat in silence, as she reflected on this. After a few moments, she relaxed her posture a bit before speaking. "I used to think being a Jedi just meant using the Force but now...I know that's not true. There's more to it than just that." She said softly and shook her head, "I never thought being a Jedi would mean being alone again."
That loneliness, that emptiness that seemed to follow the Jedi teachings was something he was acutely aware of. It was how Snoke had gotten his claws in the youth. Of course, the Dark master had to have been targeting the youth throughout his young life - all because of his family. But it was the emptiness that he had felt in his lessons that allowed him in. For a moment he worried for Rey that Snoke would find this out and manipulate her as he did to him. But thankfully his more logical mind reminded him that Snoke was dead. At least she would be spared those whispers from that monster. He wanted to reach out to comfort but he had no clue how to offer such comfort when none had given it to him in his time of need.
Thinking on this emptiness only seemed to pull her shoulders down under an unseen pressure. Not wanting this burden Rey slowly shut her eyes and connected herself to the Force. A peaceful expression took over her features as she slipped back into that in-between place. "What are you doing?" Was the deep baritone voice that pulled her from that place. She opened her eyes calmly as she looked at his curious expression. Her head turned slightly egging him to explain further. "It's almost like you're everywhere but also very far away when you do that."
Rey offered only a shrug, "Master Luke told me to focus on the Force. It's strange but it almost feels like I'm floating, I can feel everything but it's not overwhelming." Trying to explain it was difficult, like trying to teach Finn the basics of mechanics.
The young man stared at the girl in awe, with little instruction she had been able to connect with the Force in a few moments. Something that took him ages to do. "Show me." He had the grace to flinch as it came out like a command. Rey narrowed her eyes at him for that but let out a small sigh before nodding her head to him.
There they sat for the next few fleeting moments. With Rey explaining how she accessed that in-between place that she visited, and Kylo Ren giving her all his attention freely. For one of the few times, the two let go of their sides or agendas. Instead, for those moments it was only two souls bonding over something they shared. That was something Rey cherished far more than any book.