Chapter 5: Hard Place (H.E.R)
There was once a time in my relationship, when Britt could have done every unspeakable evil to me and I would have come running back to her with a smile on my face because she was my rock. When I look back I can't seem to remember when that stopped holding true for us...if I had to guess it would probably be somewhere around the time that she began to get physically abusive with me. She would probably tell you that it was the moment that I stepped off that bus and chose Marco over her or when Ian stepped into my life...I'm not sure who's right, so let's just say that all of those things brought me to this point.
My palms were itching and my head was aching something fierce but I stood there looking up into her eyes and only knew one thing for certain, I needed her.
"Where's Isaac?" I asked.
"Downstairs with your mom."
"Good, go wash your hands and come fuck me." I said, turning away from her and peeling off my clothes without even checking to see if she had done what I asked.
Right now, I needed to pause the fight that was brewing. In that moment of guilt and sadness over Ian, anger over her putting our son on a plane, and anxiety from an addiction that I was trying to ignore...in this moment I needed to feel like I was more than all of that.
When she came to the room, I was naked on the bed, my legs spread and my fingers already at work.
"Seems like you don't need me at all." She muttered as she climbed between my legs and used her damp hands to separate my thighs even further. Our eyes met and I raised my eyebrow.
"Would you rather we fight?" I asked.
She bit her lip and then slid down, her mouth was on me in seconds. I buried my fingers in her hair, scratching at her scalp hard. She nibbled on my clit and I raised off the bed. Her hands clamped down on my waist and I just laid there, mouth open in a silent scream as Britt fucked me. I collapsed on the bed but then her long fingers were sliding inside of me. She hovered over me now, pressing her fingers deep into me.
I clung to her as she wrapped an arm around me and held me against her chest. I groaned when she added more fingers and buried my face against her neck.
"Be quiet for me, baby." She whispered as I growled against her shoulder.
When she asked that, I thought of Marco every single time and I hated how powerless it made me feel but right then, I didn't feel much of anything.
I wanted the high of cocaine without the drama that it brought, so I did and said everything that I could to gode her.
"Harder, Daddy."
"Still, baby?"
"All I can think of is Ian and Marco, make me forget."
"No I'm gonna make you remember."
"Hmm?" I said when she pushed the rest of her hand inside of me. "Fuck!" I moaned and then bit down on her shoulder.
"You're mine. Always and only mine." She panted, her body becoming hotter as she fucked me.
The pain was a relief.
Not since Marco and my first night escorting, when I took one man after another...then him, did I feel this stretched, this satisfied.
"Yes, Daddy, always and only yours!"
I came with a whimper and then collapsed against her.
When she tried to move, I whimpered again.
"All good, baby?"
"Yesss."
She pulled out of me and then kissed my lips.
"Awesome, are we good now?" She said, coming off colder than she normally did.
It put me on high alert.
"No, B." I sighed and rubbed my itching palms over my face. "We are so not fucking good."
"Why?" She whined brushed her hair back and then pouted at me.
"You know why."
I sat there watching her as she sauntered over to the mirror and stared at her reflection. Her eyes seemed haunted almost and it was creeping me out. I stood up finally and grabbed my towel, needing to wash away all of these fucking emotions. The tears were coming and I didn't want her to see me break.
As I passed her, she didn't say anything she just stood there,examining the purpling bite mark I had left on her shoulder. Then her eyes met mine and she turned around looking resigned.
"Baby, I don't want to fight...I just...I thought I was doing a good thing." I sighed.
"I know, B but bringing him here...it's just...you put his life in danger."
"Don't be so dramatic if anyone has put his life in danger it's you!" She snapped.
"That was low." I whispered and now the tears were coming and I was feeling like she slapped me, so I backed away from her and then ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.
So much for her being my rock.
I felt sick to my stomach, the food I had eaten earlier was swirling around in my stomach but I knew it wouldn't come up on it's own.
So despite my promise to Britt, I knelt there and shoved my fingers down my throat for a second time in a day. My throat ached but the relief of emptying my stomach was unmatched until I saw little specks of red in the toilet bowl. Even though I was upset, I was still honoring the no locked doors policy between me and B, which I forgot about until I felt her standing over me.
"Did you just do what I think you did?" She said and then she grabbed my left hand, my two fingers were still glossy with my saliva. "I can't believe you right now."
"I can't believe you either." I said as I slowly stood to my feet. She walked towards me until I was caught between her and the wall but unlike the past, she didn't pin me...thankfully.
"You're mad at me and now I'm mad at you." She pulled away a bit so that she could look into my watery eyes. I clenched my eyes closed and then nodded my head before letting out another sob.
"I don't want to be mad at you, Britt. I know that you needed to see me. I missed you. I missed Isaac but you disobeyed me!" I was so angry with the tears that were pouring from my eyes.
Her eyes went wide.
"Disobeyed? Since when is that a thing that I can do to you?"
"Is it not? Don't you feel like I disobeyed you by shoving my fingers down my throat?"
"No, I think you broke a promise. I did not PROMISE to not fly here but you promised to never do that again. I'm sorry, I went against your wishes, I won't do it again. Can you say the same?"
What the actual fuck was this?
Now I was standing there, fucking weeping. I guarantee you that this is why I was dehydrated, because I cry every five minutes! I don't remember even crying this much when I was pregnant with Isaac.
"I'm sorry too, B and I won't do that again okay but that's not the same as you putting our son on a plane for the first time without me and against my wishes, I'm still so fucking mad at you...what if he gets sick?"
"He was fine the whole flight and he's been smiling since he woke up. Look, baby, I understand that I upset you. It's okay to be mad. I totally did something that you didn't want me to do. I just needed to be with you. I needed to talk to you about things in person. I missed you so much. Izzy has been so fussy without you, so I know he missed you. It's only been one day and he keeps looking around for you. He's here now though, the family was so happy to see him. If he gets sick, I'll stay up nights and days helping him get better and we can just drive home, okay? Please just say you forgive me."
Brittany has the ability to slip things into her comments that I never think about until long after the conversation is over. This was one of those moments. She basically bombarded me with enough information to throw me off her scent but I heard what she said and I was storing it for later. Now though...there was something else that piqued my curiosity.
"Fine. I forgive you."
"Good."
"Shower with me?"
She nodded and stripped her clothes off, once I was underneath the water I felt whole again.
Water has always been that for me, it's always felt like home and having her with me, felt even better.
"Did you say family earlier? Who's here other than Mami and Quinn?"
"Everyone! I was kind of shocked to see them all, actually. That's why I wanted you to be quiet. My parents are here, Celia and Damariz. Oh and some woman who seemed a little creepy."
"A woman? What did she look like?"
"I don't know...I literally walked in waved a quick hello and then came up. Quinn had the car seat and told me to just come on up and get you, so that's what I did."
"So, you were able to see who was here but you can't tell me what the woman looked like?"
"Let's quick get clean so you can see for yourself my love, dinner should be served any minute and I know that you haven't eaten since this afternoon."
"How do you know that?"
"Quinn was the one who picked me up from the airport. She told me that Gladys was making a huge family Sunday dinner to try and bring your spirits up."
"I don't really want to do that, B."
"Well, sorry...you don't have a choice here, Ana. You can't gain those ten pounds if you don't eat and even if you feel gross, you can't make yourself throw up anymore. Promise me."
I held out my pinky and she squeezed it with her own.I looked up at her and sucked in a deep breath. I knew that she was right. I knew that whether I liked it or not I couldn't just think about myself anymore. If I was serious about having a healthy pregnancy and bringing this baby to term, which I was, then I had to do what the doctors asked of me. I also knew that I needed to not be so stressed and had to try to keep my anger to a minimum. I looked up into Britt's bright eyes, leaning in to press a kiss to her sweet, soft lips. I smiled into the kiss and then rested my hands on her hips and enjoyed the sweetness of her embrace.
"So, B how was school, did you finish up your last final? And who by the way throws a final on a Sunday?" I was trying to make small talk to keep my nerves calm. I had a sneaking suspicion that Mami had invited Mrs. Perkins over and that Britt was hiding something from me.
"It was good. Exhausting. I'm glad that I got to take a dance this summer even if dancing finals are brutal. I almost broke my nose this morning, some chick did a spinning headstand and missed my nose by an inch. Oh and it was my idea. Our professor is this really sweet Jewish lady...like Rachel, she has Jewish church on Saturdays so she asked us if we minded moving the final to Sunday. Some people objected but I convinced them."
"Wow. Who knew you could be so convincing?"
"It's one of my many talents." she boasted.
"So, are you done with school now?"
"Yes. So, now I'm free to bug you until I leave for the tour in October."
"And how long will you be gone again?"
"Just two months. It's a small tour. I will be back just before Christmas...then I have spring semester back at school so I will be here. Then there is the summer leg of the tour. I didn't sign on for that yet though, I figured we could talk more about it."
"Wow, B...you have it all planned out huh?" I said as I stepped from the shower, trying my best not to feel sensitive about her leaving me in a month. I had promised her that I would be okay while she went off and danced. It was her dream and so I had swallowed my opinions and agreed that she should go.
"Yes. If you want me to stay though, I will ." she said, biting her lip. She'd kept saying that ever since she signed the papers back in July. Each time though I would just look at her and shake my head. I wasn't going to stop her. She would be back for the birth of the baby and that was what was important.
"You're going. We agreed already. I will be fine. I have Sandra and Quinn. What more could I ask for?" I dried off my damp skin and then tossed the towel back on the rack. I shrugged and then turned to the full length mirror and looked at my body. It looked so distorted to me. My hips were too wide, my scar was red and puffy, my formally perfect boob job was looking a little too fluffy. Britt though, she looked at my body and just smiled. It made me uneasy as I raised an eyebrow. "What...I look horrible don't I?"
"I just think you're so beautiful, Ana." she whispered as she came closer to me.
I smiled and leaned in pressing my lips against hers and pulling her against my damp body. "I think you are pretty hot yourself, Britt Britt."
"I know. I want to continue what we started, this time without you being mad." she wrapped her hands around me and backed me against the wall. My skin vibrated with excitement and I felt the moisture pool between my legs. She kissed me hard and I kissed back, nipping at her lips. This was a much better way to deal with the tension that I was feeling. I had my hands in her hair as I pulled her closer to me when I heard a bang on the door.
"Enough of that ladies! We are all waiting for you two!" I heard Q chuckle from the other side of the door and watched as Britt's face lit up with a smirk.
"Cockblock..." I muttered loudly as I wrapped myself back up in a towel.
"Hey! I heard that!" Quinn yelled out.
"Hurry up sweet cheeks." Britt whispered in my ear as she slapped my bare ass. I jumped and pushed her towards the doorway.
I moisturized and brushed my hair while Britt dug some fresh clothes from our suitcases. She kept humming that lollipop song while Quinn silently scrolled on her phone.
"Seriously, Q ball, do we get no privacy."
She didn't even bother looking up as she spoke. "No. I want to get dinner over with and you've already been up here with B for an hour. I know if I sit here, you'll move your asses."
"Or I could just fuck B right in front of you."
Her eyebrow lifted but she still didn't meet my eyes.
"You wouldn't fucking dare."
And she was right, with the way I was feeling, the last thing I wanted to do was fuck Britt to prove some point.
I was just too sad.
We all headed down to the dining room together. I immediately stole my son from Mami and kissed his face a million times. He was babbling in my ear about something very interesting I'm sure and I allowed myself to finally breathe, Britt was right he was fine.
Maybe I was overreacting.
She'd washed him and dressed him in the cutest outfit and he looked just as happy as his best days. His sweet baby smell that made my heart fill with joy and once I pushed away my fear, I was able to acknowledge that I was glad that he was here and I knew in that moment that I was grateful for Britt coming because she knew that it would be easier for me to get through this tough time with Isaac in my arms. He was my piece of Ian.
He was my peace.
As fully entered the dining room I saw her, Mrs. Perkins stood out like a sore thumb amongst my family, she had Tor with her. They were sitting there still as stone as Mrs. Perkins talked to Britt's mom.
"Um...hey Q? Is that..." I muttered to her, even though I knew the answer already.
"Yes. And she saw Izzy. I swear, San, it was the first time I saw that woman smile all day. Still creepy."
"Did she hold him?"
"No...only your mom."
"Good."
I wanted to maintain my good faith with her...or build it. I'm still not quite certain where I stand with that woman but I wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to make nice.
As we approached the big table, I saw that there was an empty seat at the head of the table in reverence to my father and then there was Mami's empty seat. She was still in the kitchen while everyone sat at the table and chatted.
Mami had put Mrs. Perkins in the seat right beside her and me and Britt were on the other side next to her parents. Isaac's high chair was between our chairs.
The seating arrangement looked random but I knew that it served a purpose.
I would have Britt and Isaac on one side of me and Quinn on the other. It was quite genius actually. I was directly across from Celia and Damariz...and thankfully Britt's dad was across from Mrs. Perkins.
Did I lose you?
Either way...I didn't really have to talk to Ian's mother directly if I didn't want to. I would make sure to thank my mother later.
I walked Britt to her seat next to her mom and then I paused in my actions. I looked across the table and could see Mrs. Perkins watching me from the corner of her eye. I smiled down at my wife and then I walked around the table and slid into my mother's empty seat. The woman turned and looked at me questioningly. I looked down at my son and then back up at this cold woman that he was related to. My instincts were screaming for me to run the other way but I swallowed those feelings down and looked over at Britt. I knew she could see my worry. She was silently urging me to come back to our side of the table but I turned from her and looked back at Mrs. Perkins.
"Would you like hold him?" I asked as I brushed my sweaty hand through his curls.
"Are you sure?" she asked without a hint of excitement in her voice.
"He's your grandson, I meant what I said earlier." I said as I held him out to her.
The table had gone completely silent as I released my son into this woman's hands. This was a big deal. Every person at the table knew that Ian's relationship with his mother was volatile. Some of them even knew why.
My heart was pounding harshly as she touched him for the first time. She held him up in front of her and he looked up at her and then looked back at me before looking at her again. I was clenching my fists in my lap, my fingernails biting into the palm of my hand. I was hoping that he would stay the happy baby that he was and wouldn't start crying. Mami always said that babies can usually sense people's ill will.
I was silently praying that letting her do this was okay. It would be fine, right?
She was in a room with his other three grandparents, his mothers, aunts and godmother...he was safe. I was sure of it.
I kept a small smile on my face as I watched her hold him and talk to him in her Irish brogue. Her eyes were finally alight with joy. I breathed a sigh of relief as he began to smile back at her.
"He's very handsome." she said before handing him back to me.
The moment he was back in my arms, the room was a buzz again. Mami cleared her throat and I flinched. She was standing just behind me and had a cold look in her eyes. She was not happy with what I had just done and I was sure that if I looked around at everyone else, I would see similar looks.
I got up and made my way back around the table and sat Isaac down in his chair. He smiled when he saw his big fuzzy keys and immediately put them in his mouth. I dropped a kiss on his head as I finally took a seat in my chair.
When I looked back at Isaac, I saw that Britt was now involved in his game with his keys. She was turned towards him and would pull them out his mouth and then hand them back to him, before he would smile and shove them right back in his mouth. This was their game...simple and easy. I caught her staring at me and saw in her eyes what I was dreading.
She looked worried as she looked back at our son and then at me. She didn't get a good vibe from this woman and her instincts were never wrong. I knew that she wasn't happy about me letting this woman into Isaac's life but she wasn't going to press me on it in that moment.
I smiled at her and then turned back towards my plate. I just wanted to eat and then go back to the safety and comfort of my bedroom. This day had just been too fucking long.
Dinner was good after we actually had food in front of us. The conversation was light which was great. On top of that, Mrs. Perkins had taken a liking to Britt's parents which is so unbelievably ironic that I can't even express my emotions properly. It was interesting breaking bread with Ian's mother and not with Ian.
My heart was aching for his presence...I was glad though that she was trying to let me in.
It was after Mrs. Perkins finally left that things got a little hairy for me. It seemed like the moment that I shut the door behind her I was converged upon by my family.
"What the heck were you thinking, Santana?" Quinn said, cornering me in the foyer.
I breezed past her and headed into the kitchen, where everyone was sitting around the island having dessert and coffee. Britt was rocking a sleeping Isaac in her arms and running her finger across his cheek. Everyone was looking at me with those cold stares again. I was cranky and had a headache the size of Texas, so I figured I would nip things in the bud right away. I just wanted to get sleep. I mean come on...I had been going all day long!
"Look, I know that you guys are all kind of upset about this whole situation. Believe me, this is not how I want things to be. If Ian was here..." I paused dramatically and wiped the oncoming tears from my eyes and saw that seemed to soften at least a few expressions. "He would deal with her. I'm just doing things as they come along. I need to bury him. I need to be there. She wasn't going to let me go to the funeral. So letting her see Isaac was my peace offering. I'm so fed up with the way things are going right now and I don't know what else to do. So please...just trust me."
"Trust, Santana?" Mami said and then she rolled her eyes, right along with Quinn and it stung.
"Okay...so I'm still earning your trust back...how about this. I will always make sure one of you is around when she has him. I won't leave him alone with her. Okay?" I was pleading now and openly...you guessed it...crying.
Again.
I didn't wait for a response as I quickly turned around and headed straight for the stairs. I didn't want to know what they thought. I just wanted to escape them and their judgments. I couldn't take any more criticism. I had enough of that.
"I'm going to take him for the night, you go get some more rest." Mami said, as she reached for my son.
I kissed his face and inhaled him one more time before handing him off. I needed to accept the help, I was too exhausted not to.
Once we were back upstairs, Britt immediately was pressing me back against the door and pushing her hand into my sweatpants.
"Do you have something you want to say to me?"
I shook my head. "No."
She growled next to my ear.
"Tell me I was right to come, baby."
I shook my head again, "No."
Then she was flicking my clit and I was groaning as I rested my head against her shoulder.
"You sure, Lolli?"
"Fuck."
"Say what I want to hear or I'll stop."
"Fine...fuck...you were right!" I squealed and then she was rubbing me to another orgasm.
Once she was satisfied that she was right and I was wrong she kissed my face and then pulled away from me.
"Can't I have you?" I whimpered.
"No baby. You need to rest."
She pulled back the covers and then wiggled out of her pants, I watched her jump in and then pat the bed in front of her. I felt hot all over and knew that Britt was good for fucking me in the middle of the night, so I slowly slid out of my pants and then my panties.
Her eyes got comically large and then she licked her lips.
I shivered and then climbed in the bed, still feeling overwhelmed and sappy but happy that I had Britt to hold me.
We laid there in silence for a while, her humming to me and me drifting just on the other side of dreaming.
And then she spoke.
"I don't like that woman touching my son."
I went to turn in her arms so I could face her but she wrapped her arm tight around me and kept me pressed back against her until I sighed and didn't fight.
Once I stopped being stiff, she trailed her fingers up and down my stomach. Making me shiver and need those fingers in a more productive place.
"You didn't think she was nice."
"Yea...not really. It just doesn't add up, Ana. Ian told us both about how cruel and abusive she was to him. Something is just off and I didn't get a good vibe from her."
"You don't think that maybe you are being a bit paranoid, B?" I knew that was a stretch because Brittany never got paranoid...at least not while she was on her meds.
"Ian wouldn't have made up all that stuff about her, would he?" she asked sincerely, second guessing herself.
"No, B. I knew Ian, he wouldn't lie about something like that. He shared a lot of his pain and sadness with me, with us. There was much more to him than he showed other people. So I know what he said about her had to be true...I just don't think that her issues with him will carry over to Isaac. At least not at this age. I'll never let what happened to Ian, happen to Isaac. I promise that."
"What do you mean by that? I don't understand."
"Well it's not really her so much as it is what his Uncle Thomas did to him. The man is unhinged apparently. He raped Ian, repeatedly. I know that he beat on him too, in front of his mom and now that I have met her, I'm pretty sure Ian's little sister has suffered some kind of abuse as well. His mother never believed him and just today she told me she was relieved that he was dead because of all his lies. But I know with all my heart that she is the one that is lying."
Britt sat up on the bed with a hand clasped over her mouth in horror. The singular lamp in the room, illuminated her with a deep shadow across the side of her face but it didn't completely shield the look on her face from me. I sat up beside her and rested a hand on the small of her back and rubbed there. She abruptly turned to me with anger in her eyes.
"Well if you knew that something is off with those people, with her, why were you being so nice to her and letting her hold our son? You don't need to suck up to her! She should be sucking up to you. You have the power here. You have something that she wants." she had her fists clenched as she scrubbed the tears out of her eyes. "Why would you even go see her today? Screw the funeral, Santana. You have the best part of Ian in Izzy." she looked like she wanted to shake me. I pulled at her until we were lying face to face in the bed.
I watched her face crumple up as she cried. I hated to see her cry, it always broke my heart.
"I'm sorry B. It won't happen again." I said as I snuggled against her and rubbed her back until she fell asleep in my arms. I stared at her as she drifted off and started to breathe softly. Her face which is usually in a look of peace while she is sleeping, was all scrunched up and she looked troubled. My heart clenched at the thought of her being troubled because of me. Just like Ian.
My fault.
About an hour had gone by and I still couldn't sleep.
It had more to do with my long nap than me being upset over how things were with my wife. I knew that she would wake up in the morning and things would be okay again...I loved that about Britt. She tended to push past the petty stuff and get down to the meat of the issue. If she could fix it, then she did and if she couldn't then she let it go. I strove to be more like that every day.
Someday I'll get it together.
I gave up on sleep and ended up getting up out of the bed. I moved a pillow under Britt's arm so that she wouldn't wake up and then I kissed her face before I got up and I slid into my moccasins. I figured I could go walk the grounds or maybe just get a snack for the baby. I'm sure me getting up for food would make Britt happy. I looked down at her for a moment and just admired her sweet face that had finally slackened and looked peaceful...it made my heart melt.
When I quietly headed down the stairs, so many memories began sweeping through my mind. The guest room where Marco raped me, the living room where Papi had punched me in the face, the dining room table where Marco proposed, and my father's office where Sandra cornered me after I got so messed up I couldn't see straight, where I got my inheritance, and where I got married...the first time.
The house was dark and quiet. So much of it was filled with horrible memories but there were good ones too. The kitchen island, where Britt and I first kissed, the patio where she and I first had a full make out session.
I hesitated as I stood at the kitchen island, thinking of the last time I had seen Ian here, just sobering up and professing his love for me.
He always felt like Britt wasn't good enough for me and I knew for a fact that he would have been pissed about the whole plane thing, more than anything though I remember his pain from that day.
My fault.
I shuddered as I stepped out onto the patio and sat down on a lawn chair. It was dark outside, it seemed that the moon had decided not to brighten up the outside. So I just sat and looked up at the stars for awhile. I was still reminiscing about me and Ian when I heard the distinct swishing of liquid in a bottle. Up until Papi's death it was usually what signaled me to leave the house until he sobered up. If I heard that sound, I was usually at Britt's house or in my tree house in a heartbeat. Papi never went to the treehouse and unless Marco was here, it was always my safe haven. I stood to my feet but then the noise stopped. I froze in place and listened for it until I heard it again. I was definitely not hearing things...that was definitely the sound of someone drinking, in the dark.
I listened and crept along the edge of the pool, the sound got louder, the closer I got to the pool house. I pushed the door and hit something...or someone rather, jumping a bit when I heard a grunt. I flicked on the light switch and there sitting on the ground was my best friend with a half bottle of rum in one hand and a fresh cigarette in the other. There were about six cigarette butts crushed on a plate right next to her. She was quickly making her way through a pack. She squinted up at me and then took a long drag of her cigarette.
She was a wreck.
"What are you doing up, Santana?" she slurred as she blew out a puff of smoke. She was really upset and I knew that it was bigger than my drama with Mrs. Perkins.
"The better question is, what the hell is going on with you, Q?" I asked as I pulled a cushion off the bench and slowly slid down the wall and sat on it. I waited for her to take another drag of the cigarette before I pulled it from her fingers and smashed it against the plate until it went out. She looked at me with that cold bitch stare that she has but when she's drunk it just looks like she's constipated. I snickered and then placed the plate up onto the bench before sliding in close to her.
"Why'd you do that for, I was enjoying that?" she slurred.
"Because second hand smoke kills and I'm with child. Your godchild, in fact."
"Right." Q whispered before banging her head back against the concrete wall. She must have been so far gone that it didn't even seem to faze her.
The bottle swished again as she drank slowly from it. Leave it to Quinn, to look graceful even when she had her lips around a bottle of brown liquor. I placed a hand on her knee and she flinched at my touch but I didn't pull my hand back. The motion light suddenly went out and we were plunged into darkness. She sighed as the darkness covered us.
"Talk to me, Q?"
"It's Rachel..." she said and then sniffled. Oh goodness...worse than I thought. Quinn was crying now because of Berry. Just great!
"What about her? We had a great few weeks together...things were great when I left. It has only been like a day since we were home...what happened in that time?"
"She for real ended things. I know we broke up in June but like now she's serious. No more sex or anything because she said she didn't want me to get in her way...that she needed space. She said she wanted to have the full college experience and I was holding her back."
"She didn't?" I said feeling like someone struck me.
"Oh no, she did. When I decided to follow you back to Lima she said it was the perfect opportunity to move onto campus. Everything was fine and then apparently in the twenty four hours that she has been on that campus with those fucking fairies, it has given her a new perspective on life." she growled.
"She's wants to screw someone." I whispered more to myself but Q heard me loud and clear even in her drunken state.
"What, how do you know that? Did you hear that from B or something? Do you know that as a fact?"
"I don't know it as fact but I can tell, Q. She loves you enough not to cheat on you, so if she does things this way then she can experiment, fuck around and won't feel guilty about it."
"Fuck. You're right San! That's sounds exactly like Rachel! That bitch." Quinn was muttering to herself now, sounding like a certified nut job.
I rubbed at her knee and she leaned her head onto my shoulder, I laid my head on top of hers and began shushing her cries.
"This just means that you can focus on school and you can do some exploring yourself. Trust me Quinn, don't tie yourself down if you don't have to...you'll regret it." I was chewing on the inside of my cheek as I thought about my marriage to Marco.
"Don't let B hear you say that." It hadn't even occurred to me how that comment would sound to my wife.
"Shit, with my luck she will come barging through that door any second."
We sat quietly and waited to see if B was actually going to show up in the room but a few minutes passed with nothing but our breathing and the occasional swish of liquid. I sighed in relief because that would not have been a good thing to add to her already being so upset over the Mrs. Perkins thing. I didn't need the drama.
I couldn't argue against Rachel breaking things off with Quinn. The hobbit had the foresight to see what she didn't want for her immediate future. She wanted to live free and experience college life with no strings attached...so did I but I didn't have that luxury anymore, I had a family and responsibilities. Fun time was over.
Quinn and I were both caught up in our own thoughts as we sat in the darkness. Finally I threw my arm around her shoulders and shook her a little bit. She sat up and rubbed at her face.
"I'm too hot to be crying over her. Fuck her! I'm Quinn Fabray, damnit!" Ahhh and there is the angry drunk Quinn...her I could deal with.
"So when you get back to New York I expect to see you out on dates and getting your mack on Fabray. Got it?"
"Yes! You know what San, you're right, this is Rachel's loss right?"
"Right."
After convincing Quinn that she was way too hot to be moping around like this, I managed to get her quietly settled into the guest room before dragging my tired ass up the steps. The day was finally hitting me hard and I knew that I would crash once I hit the sheets. I was looking forward to cuddling against my wife and finally catching up on my sleep.
It was around three when I headed upstairs. I had my head down as I stepped in the room so I definitely didn't anticipate running straight into my pacing wife. She made a soft grunting sound as we collided. I fell against the door and it slammed shut causing me to yelp. Britt had just kept pacing without looking up at me. She was lost in her head and it scared me...I had never seen her this disconnected.
"B?" I grabbed a hold of her arm and she whipped around and snatched her arm away. Her eyes looked distant and cold, like Mrs. Perkins and it made me nauseous. "Baby what's wrong?" I asked as I placed my hands on either side of her face, stepping in her way and pulling her against me, forcing her to stop in her tracks.
"Hey." she said as she looked down into my eyes and bit her lip.
"Sweetie what are you doing up?" I whispered.
"You don't have to whisper he is across the hall with Gladys, remember? He can't hear you."
"Why were you pacing?"
"I followed you downstairs..." she said to me as her blue eyes burned into mine. I hadn't seen that look in her eyes since all the drama from months ago and it froze me to the core.
She pulled away from me and sat down on the side of the bed, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. I watched as she rubbed her hands over her face repeatedly.
She was definitely upset. I walked over to her and stood between her legs and pulled her head up so that I could see her eyes. She was crying. It was then that I knew that her timing wasn't off. It had been perfect as always.
"I don't regret marrying you, B...I was talking about-" she cut me off and pushed my hands from her face.
"You do. Don't lie to me Santana. I understand why you said it...we were too young to get married. We are still teenagers. It was stupid. Teenagers shouldn't get married." she cried and then reached out and wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her forehead against my stomach. I rested my hands on the top of her head and ran them down through her hair.
"You've got it wrong, B, My only regret is not being able to go to college and be a kid a little while longer...that has nothing to do with you, though. I got pregnant in high school, I did a boat load of drugs, I missed out on my senior year...but that has nothing to do with being married to you, I don't regret us, Brittany."
"So you don't think we are growing apart?" she mumbled against the exposed skin of my stomach as she raised my shirt and kissed my scar. It made me shiver...she had never done that before...only Ian...
"Do you?" I pulled back enough to see her eyes.
"I just know how hard it has been for us in this last year...We went from relationships with other people straight into this marriage. You cheated...I cheated. Then there was that thing with Frankie. I still miss her."
Whoa...how did we go from our marriage to her missing Frankie? My heart dropped as I looked into her eyes...she was fucking serious.
"Is that what this is about, Brittany? Do you regret not being able to go off on that Madonna tour and getting to screw her whenever you wanted?" I took a step back, feeling betrayed. Her eyes filled with guilt and regret as she pulled at me, trying to bring me back but I didn't want her to touch me. "Let go of me B. I need to sit down." she dropped her hands and I stumbled down onto the bed and sat next to her. I crossed my legs under me and rested my hands in my lap. I didn't feel a single tear, it was like my body was filled with ice.
"It's not about that, about her. I just think that we were too young to make this sort of life long commitment. It's a substantial risk to assume that we will be the same people in five to ten years."
I was shell shocked...Rachel had talked to Britt about this. Those words just weren't formed from my wife. It was too wordy and too over the top of an explanation for Brittany.
She dealt in simplicity.
This reeked of the fucking hobbit! She had already had the wheels turning in Britt's head before tonight, if I was honest with myself, I had seen it coming. Before the night my life changed, before Ian took his life, Britt had started to pull away a little bit. She was in class more, she had long private talks with Rachel and she kept bringing up the summer tour. I should have known but when you're happy...denial is your best friend.
"You're fucking kidding me right?" I wanted to scream and lash out but instead, I took a deep breath. I wrapped my arms around myself and stared down B.
"I love you, baby...that hasn't changed." She said, her lip going back between her teeth as she watched me.
"Did you come to Lima to ask for another fucking break?" I watched sideways, my heart plummeting to the bottom of my stomach as she nodded. She didn't even bother to lift up her head or even look me in the eyes. This was what she meant earlier when she said she had come to talk to me in person! So much for good timing!
"How long have you and Rachel been talking about this?"
"About two weeks." I knew it.
"H-Have you slept with anyone else?"
"No."
"Have you been talking to anyone else?"
"I talk to a lot of people."
"Don't play dumb...you know what I meant!" I said coldly.
"No."
"But you want to, right?"
"Kind of." She played with her fingers as she looked down at the floor. I was so angry inside that I felt like I was going to fucking explode.
"At least look at me when you are breaking my heart, Brittany." I said quietly...I felt the tears but I wouldn't let them come.
Not this time.
They could wait.
Britt shook her head and kept looking at the floor and in that moment I was sure that my heart was gone and my soul was crushed. I closed my eyes and took a deep steadying breath, no tears. I rubbed my palms together and pushed the nausea away. "Brittany?" her head popped up and her bloodshot eyes looked up at me finally.
"You know that I need you right now. I admit it. I can't get through this funeral without you. After it's over and we are back in New York you can move into the downstairs bedroom and you can have your break, ok? This is it, though. You figure your shit out this time...I can't go through this every year, you figure it out or you leave for good."
I couldn't believe the words that were leaving my lips but I was desperate for comfort from her. She didn't speak, she just looked at me and nodded, she didn't have a response for me and I didn't want one. She opened her arms to me and I crawled against her side and let her hold me close. I closed my eyes and imagined that it was Ian holding me and that I was being comforted by him.
"Ian..." I whispered out loud accidentally. My body stiffened as Britt pulled back from me. I sat up with a hand clasped over my mouth in shock.
"Did you just call me Ian, Santana?" the icy edge was back in her voice.
"No...I was just thinking about him."
"Of course you were, not even this moment...you couldn't give me this one moment?" she was actually mad...I couldn't help but laugh in her face.
"You can't seriously be upset?" I said before dropping my hands in my lap again.
"Of course I am."
"I just miss him. I feel like a part of me died with him."
"You really were in love with him weren't you?" she spat in frustration as she gripped the edge of the bed. I knew she was trying to keep her hands to herself and for the first time in a very long time, I was scared of my own wife.
"It's complicated, what I felt for him, it was so multi-layered. I loved him unendingly but I wasn't attracted to him."
"You had to be, I mean...that's how you got pregnant."
"It's deeper than that B. I can't explain it."
"Sorry that you just have to settle for me. That you can't go running back to him this time."
"Please stop picking a fight with me about Ian. He is dead. You have me Brittany...you've always had me."
"That's a lie. I have always had to share your love."
"What?"
"First with Puck, then Quinn, then Marco, then Ian...when is it my turn Santana?"
"You are the only one that holds my heart, B. Always and only you." I whispered as I reached for hands. She pulled away, crossing her arms and tucking her hands under them. I pulled back and looked at her in shock. There was so much that had been said that I just couldn't think straight.
"I can't wait." she muttered.
"For what?" I spat feeling irritated now.
"The tour."
"You know what B, me either."
"I can't wait to go home...to New York."
"Soon enough Brittany. Can we just go to bed now."
"Fine." she said as she threw her body back.
We were laying there under the covers all of five minutes when I began to feel the uncontrollable urge to scream. I couldn't believe she was being so heartless...why did she need to do this right now? My body started to shake...I wanted a hit. I wanted to use again. I needed to be numb. I wanted to not be present in the moment.
She tried to wrap her arms around me and even though her touch was all that I craved at the moment, I just pulled away.
"You know what Brittany...let's not wait. You should go back home in the morning. I will just fly back with Isaac by myself." I whispered as I moved to the edge of the bed away from her.
"No. If we are going to do this...we do it quietly. Too many people have had their hands in our marriage. I know that you will tell everyone the moment that I leave. So, no."
"So what are you saying, that I have to suffer through this? That I have to pretend to be happy until we get home?" That was worse than torture.
"I'm saying that we go back to New York together. I'm not leaving so that Gladys and your sisters can think that I'm abandoning you and Izzy."
But you are.
"Fine, B."
"So come over here and let me hold you." She said forcefully.
I scooted back into her embrace, allowing her to wrap herself around me. I lay there and silently cried myself to sleep, not caring if she heard me. I didn't care anymore, I just couldn't believe the way things were falling apart. Britt was right about one thing, my family and hers would crucify her for doing this while I'm pregnant and grieving...
So, even with her crushing my spirit, I would suck it up.
I would take it for what it was. A stupid fucking break.