Chapter 6: Wanting Out (Michelle Branch)
When I woke up again, feeling like a dried-out husk, Britt was no longer holding me in place and I sent a prayer of thanks up to God or Ian or Papi. Everything felt unfair, I didn't want a repeat of the year prior where I was fighting a losing battle with my relationship and my addiction.
And then Marco's words came back to me.
Be selfish.
He had to be talking about Britt, just like Ian.
Why had I fallen so head over heels for someone who couldn't love just me?
Sure, people live poly amorous lives and they are happy but I just don't think I'm built that way. I can sleep around, sure but when it comes to real love there have only been two of those in my life, Ari and Britt.
One was unattainable and the other was hard to retain.
She needed to love freely and I knew that about her before we started messing around, it was like trying to cage a wild beast and fuck if I didn't feel like doing that right now. It was time for me to be selfish and give myself the space that I needed to grieve Ian and to grow strong enough away from my addictions. I had been through enough.
So I was on the move. There was no time for makeup or getting cute, I didn't want to wake Mami and have her second guess trusting me or Britt, so that we could rehash an endless argument.
I grabbed my purse, the lockbox and my phone before making my way silently downstairs. I couldn't ignore the way that my heart was hammering in my chest. I wasn't going to deal with this like she wanted me to. I wasn't going to just sit back and let her walk all over me again.
Enough was enough.
It was still dark out, I had only been back in bed for about a half hour. I walked down to the first floor and cracked open the door to the guest room. I heard light snoring coming from the bed and smiled. Quinn swore she didn't snore...lies! I flicked on the light and then walked over to her and nudged her side. Even drunk she was a light sleeper, so I wasn't surprised when her head popped right up.
"Get up and be quick about it." I said to her before pulling at her arm.
"What the fuck? Where are we going?" she slurred.
"It's not drugs, so don't worry about where, just be my ride or die and get the fuck up, please Q, we don't have much time." I whispered.
She must have seen the desperation on my face because she was up on her feet in about two seconds. She staggered a bit but then quickly straightened her body.
"Just give me a sec." she muttered before going into the bathroom. I followed her and watched her stick her fingers down her throat with ease. She silently vomited a few times before flushing the toilet and standing back up. "Who knew that would come in handy, huh?" she smirked at me before going over to the sink and drinking about six handfuls of water before rinsing her mouth with mouthwash. "Britt told me what you did, don't get any ideas."
"I'm done with that." I said as she brushed her teeth and then splashed some water on her face.
When she looked back at me, her eyes were still a little glassy but her face was determined. "Okay. I'm ready." she said as she finger combed her hair.
I handed over her purse as we left the guest room and headed out to the driveway. Quinn started walking toward her bug but I decided to take Papi's old SUV instead. I grabbed the keys off the foyer hook, knowing Mami would notice later and not too stressed about it. Let Britt come up with a reason for my disappearance with Q, who's car would remain parked here.
Knowing she was with me would at least let Mami know I wasn't in a crack house somewhere.
Quinn buckled up and then reached over and buckled me in.
"You are such a mom." I muttered as I backed up onto the road.
"Well you need one and Gladys is out of practice." she said honestly. I knew she still had some of that liquid courage in her because a completely sober Quinn would never have said something like that. I didn't mind though. It was no secret that my parents were essentially absent from my life after I turned about ten.
"Point taken."
My first stop was We Lime, Quinn slid into a booth and buried her head in her arms while I went up to the counter and got decaf for me and an espresso for her. When I heard her snore, I also ordered her bacon and myself an egg wrap. I needed to hold onto this baby and if that was going to happen, I needed to eat. Even when I was nauseous.
I slid into the booth and watched Q sleep as we waited for our food.
Can I call you?-Santi
Of course!-Carmen
I slid from the booth and walked down to the end of the counter.
"Did you need something honey?" A cute waitress said as she drank her own coffee.
"I just need to make a call, can you just have my food delivered to that table with the homeless looking chick?"
She smirked and nodded.
"You got it."
I watched her walk away and then I refocused myself on my phone.
"Hey, Santi my love. Are you okay, it's early for you."
"I know and like the last time I called you early in the morning, I just needed someone to talk to me that knows what I've been through personally. Are you working?"
"Actually, Nico won't let me work anymore. He wants me off my feet so I'm just awake while he works down at the diner. You know breakfast rush is soon."
"So, this is actually a good time?"
"It's perfect."
"And how are you?"
"I'm good, baby girl. This baby is a little acrobat in there. How about you?"
"I'm...in Lima."
"Why?"
"Ian, my son's father he killed himself two days ago."
"Oh my God. Are you okay?"
"No."
"Have you used?" Her casual turned had turned serious.
"I'm pregnant and doing my best to steer clear of drugs. So far, I'm doing okay staying clean."
"Wait he killed himself while you're carrying another baby?"
"It's not his, it's Marco's remember that day...at his house?."
"Wait, Santi, that's crazy. What's going on with you, my love?"
"So much and I'm falling apart."
"Are you alone right now? Where's Brittany?"
"Britt came here to ask for a break last night. I feel so alone but Quinn's with me, I'm at a diner."
"Comfort, I get that. I need you to promise me that you will keep her close until these feelings pass."
"I will."
"When you get back, we can start going to meetings together. Have you called your sponsor?"
"I don't have one."
"Do you need one?"
"Probably."
"Done."
"Carmen, no, you're pregnant and need to stay stress free."
"So are you and so do you, we can do this together. I've been clean for two years, Santi and you saved my life, I owe you this much."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Okay, so what now?"
"I'll be here with you, through this. You'll call me or come to me when you need me or when you think you need something else. Okay?"
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me yet, tell me what is next in your day?"
"I'm going to eat and then I'm going to the lake."
"The lake? You're not going out on the water, are you?"
"No. I don't have a good feeling about being alone there, so I'm taking Q with me. I just need to get away from Lima and the lake is a safe space. It's a sanctuary."
"Okay, will you let me know when you get there and when you leave? I never trusted bodies of water."
"I know, and I will."
"San?" I heard Q call and I turned to see her chomping on bacon and staring at me.
"Go be with your friend, just keep in touch okay?"
"Thank you, Carmen. I love you."
"I love you too."
Quinn looked sober as she polished off her bacon and sipped at her coffee. I was nervous as I walked back towards her but then I realized that this was my best friend. Ride or die, Quinn Fabray who had once broken her own rules and let me snort a line of coke to get through the day.
She had been with me through it all and I knew that I could trust her with this, even if Britt wanted me to go at it alone.
Fuck that. I needed people if I was going to stay clean. My sisters and mom could stay out of it, they'd make this worse.
No, right now I would rely on Carmen and Quinn, they'd have to be enough.
When I sat down, I reached for her hand and she immediately responded in kind. I dropped my head and began to pray silently, thanking God for giving me a village. Thanking God for keeping me clean, sane, and for the most part, healthy.
"Amen." I said and went to pull away, but Q wouldn't let me go until she said her piece.
"Heavenly Father, I don't know what your plan is or why my sister here seems to get all the bad stuff but please cover her as she goes through this trying time. I thank you for all you have done to keep her afloat, please help me to be a good steward of your love and kindness as I work through my own stuff and hold onto her. Amen."
When she finally let go of me, I looked up and could see that her eyes, while bloodshot, where clear. Sober Quinn had arrived, just when I needed her.
"Thanks, Q ball."
She nodded and then waved over the waitress for another order of bacon and a side of fruit. We had entered a comfortable silence as we watched Lima come alive.
My phone buzzed as the sun came up and I knew that we needed to get a move on before B's good timing showed up again.
"Where are the keys to your bug?" I asked Q, knowing that Britt would go for the bug first.
"I have them with me."
"Good. Are you done?"
She nodded and then pulled out money for the tab. I didn't even bother to challenge her on paying, it was an unspoken agreement. We both knew I was rich and that if need be, I could cover it but when she could pay, she liked to.
I got us burgers for later, hers with bacon, mine without and then we headed out to the car.
My phone went off again and I couldn't resist this time.
I'm trusting, Anita.-Mami
And then there was a pic of my baby curled up with her while she read. It made me smile and I felt so assured in my sobriety. I had to keep going for him.
For my son, I was willing to do anything even if it means denying myself. It was my job to protect him at all costs and right then, when I was feeling unhinged, I needed to also protect him from me.
With Q, I'm safe. Te quiero-Anita
I zoomed down the Lima streets and onto the highway without another thought of how low I was feeling. I had my girl with me and my son was in the best hands, there wasn't anything to do now but be a little selfish.
Quinn was sitting there gazing out the window and humming along with the radio. I left her to her thoughts as I drove because after a day like we had yesterday, I knew that we both needed to get away. I had contemplated leaving Quinn behind because I needed to cry in peace and I knew just the place, but I knew that more than I needed to cry, I needed my wing-man to save me from myself.
When I began driving southbound knowing that Britt would expect me to go north towards my old hideaway in the woods, Q put her hand on my thigh and let out a deep sigh.
"St. Mary's?" She asked.
"You remember?"
"Of course I do. Are you sure you can handle this?"
I could feel her eyes burning into the side of my face but I didn't even chance a glance.
"I'm not sure I can handle much of anything right now, Q but the only other person that knows about this place is back in prison. I needed to get away."
"From B?"
"Among other things."
"Well I'm glad I'm not one of those things."
I rubbed her hand and then turned up the music.
She was going to make me cry again and that's the last thing I wanted while driving. Since it was so late (or early) the roads were semi-deserted, and I was able to make the half hour drive in under twenty minutes. Quinn was looking around curiously but didn't ask any questions as we pulled onto a long driveway. I hit the remote on my keys for the garage door and pulled inside.
I grabbed my stuff, including the lock box, climbed out of the car and walked out of the garage towards the cabin. I paused as I stood on the front pathway and just stared at the old house. Quinn stood next to me and slipped her hand into mine.
"So, this is it? How long has it been?" Quinn whispered against my ear as she leaned into me. I looked into her eyes and saw that the sight before her brought tears to her eyes too.
"I came here once or twice last year and sat on the back porch before I had the keys, but I haven't been inside since that night six years ago."
After another moment of gazing at it, I finally mustered up the courage, partially because Quinn was gripping my hand so hard, and walked up to the front door.
This house out in St. Mary's was all that I had really wanted from the divorce, I felt like I had earned it. I had shed blood and tears there and didn't want Marco to have it. I didn't think I would ever actually visit it because quite frankly, I had planned to burn it to the ground but as I stood there feeling like I had no place to run that was out of Britt's reach, I was glad that I hadn't given into my impulses for once.
It was solitary lake cabin that sat beautifully on the water. I hadn't told anyone about it and knew that this was a perfect place to escape for the morning. It was almost four thirty and the sun was set to rise in about an hour or so. The sky had a light blue color but with all the fog surrounding the place you wouldn't be able to tell there was a lake.
The inside of the house looked like it hadn't been touched in longer than six years. There was dark brown blood stain on one of the couch cushions, seeing it brought me back to when I was thirteen. That night had definitely defined me as a person. I stood there and looked at it, stuck in a trance. Quinn let go of my hand and quickly flipped the cushion over before sitting down and looking up at me. I snapped my eyes up to her and felt my face scrunch up.
Yes, sometimes, Quinn Fabray can be a bit disturbing.
"So, tell me why you really brought me to the scene of your rape? To the place that you lost your innocence?"
I could tell that she had reached full sobriety since she was now looking at me clear eyed. I smiled softly and shifted on my feet, before crossing my arms over my chest, trying to comfort myself.
"I told you, Q. No one will look for me here."
"Did something happen?" there was concern in her voice now.
"Yes."
"With B?"
"Enough with the questions for now. Can we just sit for a bit...do you mind?"
"Um...okay."
I locked the door and then put our stuff in the fridge and shot a quick text to Carmen, to let her know I was okay. I was feeling overwhelmed but knowing I had someone looking out for me helped way more than I realized it would. While she sat I took stock of the place and knew that if I ever wanted to rent this place out, I needed to seriously overhaul it.
Maybe that would be my pet project or I could convince Celia to take it since she was hopping around since leaving Chicago.
Keep moving forward and be selfish, those are the two things I learned from Marco.
Go with your gut, that was Ian.
Be my safe place, that was Britt but Q my ride or die always just wanted my peace and happiness.
Overhauling this place would signify owning what had happened to me here and not letting it control me anymore.
"Mind if I walk around?" Q asked and I smiled at her.
"Sure, you can help me figure out how to make this place livable."
"Why are you planning on moving here?"
"Renting it out, probably but you never know with me and B. Sometimes I need to get away."
She nodded and then looped her arm through mine as we walked the cabin, taking notes on what could be improved.
By the time that we finished our tour of the house, I was feeling achy again, so I grabbed a huge blanket from the linen closet and walked out to the back porch that overlooked the lake. The fog was clearing and the water was a little more visible now. I stood there in at the edge staring out at the water. Something about it called to my spirit, like it's where I am meant to be.
Just floating on the surface, staring up at the sky and leaving all of my troubles behind.
"Are we sitting?" Q asked, interrupting the darkness that my thoughts were taking.
I turned to her and saw that she had brought out the lock box with her and placed it on the coffee table that sat in front of the wicker love seat. She sat there looking at me and I nodded, trying my best to get my head back to where it should be instead of where it was. Q was watching me like a hawk as I made my way over to her. She didn't seem to relax until I was sitting next to her with the blanket wrapped around me.
"Comfort?" I asked and puckered my lips.
She rolled her eyes and then pressed her lips to mine. It was quick but made all the difference because now she seemed less suspicious.
At least I thought she did.
"Should I worry?" She whispered as she tucked the blanket around me.
I pulled the lock box onto my lap and then rubbed my palms together.
"Maybe." I said and then shrugged.
Quinn snuggled against my shoulder and pulled the blanket up, so that it tucked under to her chin. I let her have most of the seat and put my feet up on the table. I was sure that she would fall asleep if she stayed in her position but I didn't really care at that point. It was really just her company I craved not her conversation.
"Just know that I'm here, S. I'm always here."
"Ride or die bitch." I muttered and then kissed her forehead.
"For life."
My heart was aching so badly and I felt so trapped in my circumstances that I was beginning to feel hopeless but having Q there made me feel safe to fall apart. I wanted to pull her in with me so that I wasn't just carrying shit on my own and making it worse.
Britt had already made me feel like I had no choice but to give in to her needs in order to have her in my life but I was starting to feel like it would be better to just walk away from my marriage and try to salvage my friendship with B. This couldn't keep happening, it made me feel inadequate every time she did this and I could see how unhappy being tied down was making her and I just wanted us to be happy and above all else, I wanted her to be happy. I wanted nothing more than that for the both of us, I was willing to accept that what we used to have was just a high school thing. Maybe the adults that we were becoming just didn't fit together.
Maybe Britt had just figured it out first and wanted out.
I didn't know if I had enough fight left in me to stop her from walking away from me.
"How did you know that something happened with me and B?" I asked Q.
"It wasn't really hard to figure out San. You aren't as closed up as you like to think. I can read you like a book sometimes...especially when your heart is broken. So tell me what happened." she mumbled as she snuggled in as close to me as possible. I felt like I was preparing to tell her a bedtime story.
"Do you remember our conversation last night...about not tying yourself down?"
"Yea...surprisingly."
"Well Britt heard the whole thing." I mumbled as I began to run my hands over the lock box.
"Wow...so she heard the whole regret thing?"
"Yup but she wouldn't let me tell her that I had been referring to Marco. She ended up talking about how much she missed Frankie then essentially asking me for another break but she wants to keep it hush hush."
"Of course she does but it just seems ridiculous for her to even be doing this right now! She can't just take breaks when they suit her. That's not how a marriage works."
"I said the same thing."
"But you're still going to allow it to happen? Right under your nose?"
"No." I said as I reached over and pulled my phone out of my purse. "Not this time."
"What does that mean?"
"That she has to move out of the bedroom when we get back to New York...the break will start when we get back. I told her that she is going to have to take the guest room on the first floor. I refuse to share a bed with her."
"Oh boy...this is going to be interesting when we get back. Are you sure about this, San?"
"What other choice do I have? I mean it's not like I can go out and pick up anyone while I'm pregnant. It's not like I even want to, honestly. I just want her."
"Don't you think it's strange that she and Rachel had the same idea?"
"Oh no...I blame this partially on the hobbit. For two weeks she has been in Britt's ear about how she needed space from you and Britt started thinking about our marriage as a consequence."
"Are you serious? Why would Rachel do that?"
"I don't know but I'm pissed about it."
"I'm sorry, San."
"I don't want your pity. It is what it is."
"So the break starts when we touch down in New York but when does it end?"
"No idea but there is something I need to do while I still can."
"What are you going to do?"
"This."
When I checked the time, I saw that it was just barely nine and even though it was super early in California, this call couldn't wait. Once I found the number, I pressed the call button, put the phone on speaker and waited.
A voice answered sounding out of breath.
"Yeah?" She was breathing heavy.
"Francis?"
"Who's this?"
"Santana Lopez, I hope I'm not interrupting."
"Um...hey Santana. What's up?" Her breathing slowed.
"Do you have a time to talk to me for a second?"
"Sure...um...hold on a sec." Quinn looked at me with wide eyes as we listened to some shuffling and then heavy breathing before Frankie came back on the line. "Sorry, I was just getting back from my run. What's up?" she sounded chipper not at all nervous. It gave me a little hope.
"Have you talked to Britt by any chance?"
"She called me yesterday but before then I haven't. I have been doing my best to do right by you. Is everything okay, I'm a bit shocked to hear from both of you after so long."
"Did you actually talk to her?"
"Yea. She had just come out of a meeting with our old tour director. She was calling to let me know that she signed on for another tour. Look...I really don't want to get in between you guys again. I just listened to her tell me about it, wished her luck and then hung up with her."
"Well, sorry to break it to you but she's bringing you back into this, whether you like it or not. She asked me for a break last night and kept talking about how she missed you."
"I'm so sorry about that. I didn't want to be right about her wandering eye."
"And you know where it's gonna wander."
"That's too bad for her, frankly, I have no interest in breaking my word to you. Look, if she calls, I'll keep telling her how I'm done if you want. I'm in a new relationship. I'm happy and I really don't want to get sucked back into stuff with Brittany."
"That's good to hear."
"Good luck with everything Santana. Call me if she gets anymore crazy ideas."
"Oh I will."
"Alright. Sorry about this."
I ended the call and then put the phone down on the coffee table. Quinn sat there staring at the phone for a long while before turning wide eyes towards me.
"Do you believe her?"
"Who, Frankie or Britt?"
"Either of them."
"I'm not sure."
"This is all just so crazy...where is our sweet Britt Britt?"
"I wish I knew...I-I don't want to think about it anymore Q...so let's just not talk about Britt for awhile."
"If your sure..."
"Ok...let's open this box up shall we?" I said ignoring her.
"Comfort?" Q asked me and I mock glared at her before kissing her lips once more before sticking my tongue out at her.
"You know, Q, if I didn't know any better I'd think you were trying to get in my pants." I said, mocking her.
"Nah, after fucking your sister I'm good."
I gagged and she grinned at me.
"Point, Fabray...gross."
My heart felt lighter with her there, even if I now had the image of her in my sister seared into my brain.
"Do you think she's ready to be with me?"
"Do you?"
"Well, we had a moment last night and when she hugged me, I felt like nothing else in the world mattered in that moment."
"Why are you two playing games then?"
"Because I'm an idiot. I guess, like B, I feel like I'm too young settle."
"People search their whole lives for the feelings that you have with Celia. You're not too young, it just means you get to have more time with the person you love."
"But I love Rachel, I always have."
"More than my sister?"
She scoffed. "Not possible."
"Then my dear, Rachel is your 20 and Celia is your 80."
"Not this again!"
"When it's real, you know it. Maybe some time spent growing is a good thing but you two need a cut off date. Shit or get off the pot, Q ball."
"Okay, okay. Open that thing already."
I sighed and then opened the box and began to take things out from it. The first thing on top was a black leather journal. It was well used and worn even though I knew for a fact that it was only a couple of months old.
"That looks like the journal I gave you for Christmas."
"That's because it's identical to the one you got me. I got this one for Ian for his birthday back in April."
"And it's already full?"
I held the journal in my hands and began to thumb through it. He had filled up every single page and had written on the inside of the cover. I let my tears flow freely as I looked down at his spiked handwriting. He was my lefty twin and the slant of his writing mirrored mine.
It was just too crazy how well Ian and I fit together. If only he was a girl or I was straight. I knew that this was what Britt was referring to when she told me how in love with him I was. If only she knew how much I tried to be in love with him but couldn't. I loved her the most...when she wasn't being an ass and lying to me, unfortunately at the moment, she was doing both of those things.
"From cover to cover. I haven't even filled mine completely."
"He obviously had a lot more to say than I did."
"Obviously."
As I thumbed through it a piece of paper fell out onto my lap.
"What's that?" Quinn asked, peering over my shoulder. I quickly grabbed it and unfolded it.
"It looks like an unfinished letter to Isaac...wow." I covered my mouth as the tears began to pour down my face. I handed it to Quinn and she began to read it out loud.
"Dear Squish, June 14, 2012-Someday you will wonder what torment drove me to put a bullet through my own heart. I never wanted to leave you but I had this fear that by the time you were old enough to understand the hurt of losing me, that you'd hate me. Your mothers are not to blame. Love them always...your Mami was my first and only love...be a good boy, a good big brother, and a stand up man. Love with your whole heart and be open and honest...you have more than I ever did and so I hope knowing that brings you peac-"
The letter abruptly ended as Ian was writing the word peace as if he had been stopped, mid-thought. Quinn let out a gasp and then held the letter towards me and pointed at the top of the page.
"Oh my God, San look at the date." she shrieked.
"Graduation Day...I can't believe that it was on his mind all that time. Months...Q. Before we even left Lima."
"Do you think that maybe he attempted it that night."
"Maybe...all I know is I talked to him everyday after that and never would I have thought that he was thinking like this. I mean obviously at some point he changed his mind...what could have gotten him to change it back especially a week before he was set to move closer to me and Isaac?"
"Beats me. Have you opened your letter yet?"
"No. I keep finding reasons to put it off."
"Maybe there is some sort of answer between the journal and his letter to you."
"I sure hope so Q. I just want to know why...I want to know if there was any way that I could have saved him."
"I think he was beyond our help. Wasn't he on medication already?"
"Yea antidepressants. He took them faithfully."
"Maybe he missed a day?"
"Nah...I don't think that's it. There is something bigger at play here, I'm sure of it and I'm almost certain it has something to do with his Mom and I think she knows it too."
"Maybe that's why she was relieved?"
"So many questions and not enough answers. I feel like we're going in circles."
"You're right. It's just I don't trust that woman. You should have seen her when I walked into the house with Britt and the baby last night. She looked ravenous. It freaked me out a bit and then I couldn't help but cringe when you willingly handed Isaac over to her. Everyone else saw it too."
"When I talked to B about her after dinner she said something along the same lines, she doesn't want her around Isaac at all. I still don't believe that she should be kept from her own grandson but I'm proceeding with caution when it comes to her, no doubt about it. "
"I would too. I mean Ian signed his rights to Izzy over to Britt but what about the new baby? Can she swoop in on you and try to take the baby?"
"Even if she tried, she wouldn't win...this isn't her grandchild. Ian laid claim to the baby but that's different."
"But you told her she could see the kid."
"I told her what she wanted to hear so that she would let me be at the funeral but I'll worry about everything else later."
"Does the journal say anything, worth knowing?" Quinn loved a good mystery and this was as good as any.
"Um, Let's see." I began to read aloud from the first entry and couldn't help but blush immediately.
4.22.12
Mami bought me this journal. I can't believe that fate deemed for me to still be a part of her life. I've had a crush on her forever. She is just as screwed up as me and I think it makes her even more attractive.
Brittany called me today and asked me not to sign my rights over just yet. She told me how she was worried about Santana and was scared she would die before the adoption went through. Brittany also wants to get an injunction against her so she can't see our son. She asked for my help but I refused. For someone who says they love their wife it seems that she has so little faith in her.
If she was my wife I would do whatever it took to help her get clean but I would build her up at the same time. I wouldn't tear her down. I'm trying my hardest to put up a brave face even though I know that Brittany is still cheating on her. I caught her making out with another Cheerio just the week before the baby was born.
She isn't good enough for S like everyone thinks. I will protect her though, just like I protect my sister. Mom's home from mass...I have to go make sure that she doesn't touch Tor...There she goes already calling her. Happy 18th Birthday to me. Wish me luck!-Ian
We sat there in silence just staring out at the water after I finished reading the journal entry.
"How long do you think she's been cheating?"
"I don't know...what I do know though, is that we got married that week...she slept with Frankie on our wedding day...it had to have been going on for quite a while." I felt numb. I didn't want to believe that Britt was capable of being so deceptive.
"Do you think he's lying?"
"What purpose would that serve? I mean what would he get out of that? Even if he knew that I would read this...it just doesn't seem premeditated."
"Just trying to give B the benefit of the doubt."
"It's clear as day Q...Britt is just not happy with me."
"But she is miserable without you."
"Well, she can't have it both ways. It would really hurt but if we need to separate then we will. Enough is enough. I mean it."
Quinn looked at me in shock. I shrugged my shoulders as I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. Thinking the words and saying the words were two different things. Hearing the words sounded foreign to my ears. I couldn't believe that I was actually considering leaving Britt for good.
"Don't be too hasty San. Give it time. Give her space. Don't throw up those walls."
"Can I tell you that the only thing keeping me from snorting my troubles away is this baby and Isaac? Do you really think I care about anything else? I love her but I can't sit around and let her break my heart. I'm living for my kids right now. I'm sober for my kids."
"That's scary San. You won't be pregnant forever."
"I know. I'm trying so hard to hold it together Q. It's just so difficult...maybe marriage was just a bad idea. We should have waited. I should have gone with my gut back then."
"I don't like your line of thought."
"Well I can't be more serious right now. She keeps fucking around with my emotions...and she keeps fucking lying to me! I mean she signed papers for the next tour. What tour?" my body felt hot. I wanted to punch something but instead I kept my fists in my lap.
Quinn took the box from me and continued to search through it. I heard rustling and then the sound of metal against metal.
"Hey, look at this!" I looked over and she pulled out the most beautiful rosary I have ever seen. She had effectively distracted me from my anger for the moment.
"Wow! Hand that here." I had an unhealthy obsession with rosaries as a kid. At one point just before my miscarriage I owned about fifteen of them.
There was a piece of paper attached to it that fell onto Quinn's lap as she handed the silver and green rosary to me. She picked up the note and quietly skimmed it.
"What's the note say?" I asked as I ran the rosary between my fingers.
"Ian, for your wedding day, for your wife, for the mother of your children. May it bless her and your family like it blessed me and Mimzy, Love Da." she read aloud before handing the note to me.
It looked like it had been folded and refolded a hundred times. The words were a little smeared and the paper was crinkled in some places where tears had dried.
"His Da is his grandfather. He raised Ian after his dad died and then after his Da fell I'll with cancer Ian had to move in with his mom. He was thirteen when he moved to Lima from Denver. His mom had never wanted him...said he was a mistake. He told me he never even met his mom face to face, until then."
"What a bitch...so his Da must have given that to him before he died. I think that you should wear it, San."
"You think so, it wouldn't be too disrespectful? I mean this would be the final straw for Britt."
"Look, it was meant for Ian's wife, the mother of his children and as far as Ian goes...you are the mother of his children and if he had it his way you probably would have been his wife. Just tell Britt that Ian left it to you. She doesn't even need to know the significance behind it."
"Are you actually telling me to be deceitful?"
"I think Britt is being pretty fucked up right now and if that rosary helps you to remember the pure love that Ian had for you and brings you just an ounce of peace then you should wear it."
I kissed the cool metal and then brought the beads between my fingers, silently reciting the holy wounds rosary.
I hadn't prayed the rosary in years, but as I moved my hands in prayer over the beads, it came back to me just like second nature.
Quinn remained quiet, no doubt saying a prayer of her own, right beside me. I opened my eyes and looked at the water as I finished praying. The sun had risen and had cut through the fog. It was a beautiful view. I felt the soothing breeze and the calm in my heart and knew that God had heard me. I placed the rosary over my head and tucked it under my shirt allowing the cool metal to graze my skin for the first time.
Nothing had ever felt so right.
We continued to search through the box and I found another rosary from Ian's first communion and decided that I would save it for Isaac. After that there wasn't much else except a sealed note card for Ingrid a.k.a Tor, I would make sure to slip it to her at the viewing the next night.
When we finished with the box, I packed it back up.
It had been a few hours since we had left home and I was sure that Britt was up by now but when I checked my phone not a single message was from her.
Great.
"You ready?" I asked Q as I stood to my feet and stretched.
"Only if you are."
I nodded and then led the way back through the house and to the car.
There was a calm in my soul now that hadn't been there before and I think I had both Ian and Quinn to thank for that.
It was the first time in days, when I genuinely felt like everything was going to be okay.
My back was aching as we climbed into the car but I just tried my best to ignore it.
"Where to now?" Q asked as she played on her phone.
"Home." I said, as I thought of Ian and all the good that he could have done with his life.
Isaac would never know him and it made me feel a sadness so deep but that just meant that it was up to me to make sure that Ian wasn't forgotten.
The rosary, the journal and the note...and hopefully someday his aunt.
My mind was going over my last few days and I smiled to myself as the feel of the rosary grazing my stomach made me remember just who it connected me to. I found myself wishing for millionth time that Ian was sitting right here in this car with us, laughing and talking about all the things he planned to do.
Death sucks, it's vicious and does not discriminate.
It just feels so unfair.
Then I thought about the person that is supposed to be my peace, Britt, my mind kept going to her kissing and fucking other people when she had professed to being committed to me. Which Cheerio had it been? Then I thought about her finding someone on tour in October, would it be a man or woman...I didn't know if my marriage could survive in such a fragile state.
We had both done so much damage and I had thought that I pushed past it all because when I looked at B, I saw only her and forgot the rest. I knew that when she looked at me she would always think of Ian and Marco, I had their children. Her affairs had come and gone but Ian and Marco were forever a part of me.
How could I think that she would be able to look past that?
I hadn't been fair to her either, I saw that now.
When I got onto the highway I started to feel woozy and could feel the car drifting across lanes.
Then I was swerving as I nearly collided with the wall. Quinn had been looking at her phone but when she felt the car jerk, she grabbed at the wheel and straightened us out.
"Pull over, San." she yelled at me and I knew better than to argue.
I felt so sick as I pulled off onto the gravel.
The pain was back in full force. I rested my head on the steering wheel. My head was aching and my stomach was hurting me. It felt like the first time all over again.
"No...please. Baby stay with Mami please!" I was sobbing as I felt the warm liquid on my seat.
I was afraid to look down so I kept my eyes clenched tight and tried to push through the pain.
"San, honey, what's wrong? Talk to me. Is it the baby?" Q asked me as she pushed me back against the seat so that I was leaning against the headrest.
My head lulled to the side. I looked at her and whispered softly, "I need a hospital, Q." I finally looked down at my lap and Quinn followed my line of sight and a her hand quickly covered her mouth.
"Oh my god! No! Not again, Oh God." she was crying as she began to maneuver me to the passenger seat. I tried to fight the lightheaded fuzziness that I felt but everything went dark as then I passed out.
I woke up strapped in the passenger seat and then passed out again. I was in and out a few times before I surrendered completely to darkness.
Please God, please don't let me lose another baby.
I don't think my soul can handle it.
I felt lips pressing against mine as I regained consciousness, I opened my eyes when the lips pulled away. My vision was blurry at first and then I blinked a few times before I recognized Britt standing above me with tears soaking her cheeks.
"Ana! I'm so happy that you're awake."
"Hey B." I quickly put my hands on my stomach and then looked up at her again.
"The baby is fine. Thank goodness!"
I felt tears sliding down the sides of my face.
Britt was brushing my hair back and looking down at me adoringly like the day that I had Isaac. She was looking at me like she used to back before our world fell apart. I shifted and felt a sharp pain in my back and groaned.
"Oh...try not to move too much Santana." I heard a familiar voice and then I heard a familiar tsk.
"Docs?" I whispered into the room.
"Yes...it is I!" Dr. J said and then Dr. Ramirez popped up next to him. I couldn't help the smile that graced my face as I looked at two of the best doctors that I knew. Dr. J adjusted my bed so that I could see the rest of the room instead of just the ceiling.
"Tell me something good, doc." I blushed when I felt Britt slide her hand into mine. I allowed it and even held onto it firmly.
"You were lucky that you weren't far from here when you passed out. Dr. Ramirez was able to stop the bleeding and had to do some surgery to repair a tear in your cervix quickly and successfully. So your baby is safe and so are you."
"That was my line." Dr. Ramirez said as she noted some vitals on my chart.
"What happened?" I asked my baby doctor and she looked concerned.
"You had a tear in your cervix, it probably happened during rough intercourse." she looked up at Brittany and then back at me. "Also, your blood pressure was high when you were admitted, so my guess is that the heightened pressure caused the scar tissue to rupture. You could have bled out but thankfully...you had Ms. Fabray with you. She saved your life."
"Where is she?"
"In a room, sleeping. Poor girl was so tired after carrying you into the ER."
"Wow."
"Yeah...it was pretty exciting. You know us poor country folks never get anything as exciting happening, when you are off in New York, Santana."
"Gee...thanks."
"On a serious note though. You lost a lot of blood...too much."
"Is that why I feel so weak?"
"You had to get a blood transfusion."
"Am I going to be okay?"
"Well it looks like you may need to be put bed rest, again."
"Ugh...again?"
"You really damaged your body with the drugs Santana. It is going to take time for your body to recover, fully."
"And I bet you didn't eat today?" Britt whispered.
"A little bit, a few bites of a sandwich and some decaf."
"Is that all? No water?" Dr. Jindahl asked, looking happy to be able to talk again.
"No."
"That explains the dehydration yet again. I'm keeping you overnight for observation." he looked back up at Britt. "Why don't you order her meals. Just circle the choices. Ok?"
The doctors left and then it was just me and B.
I should have been happy to be alone with my wife but just seeing her pissed me off.
Britt smiled at me and then picked up the menu. I felt insanely tired as so many thoughts were whipping through my head.
"Ham and Cheese or Chicken sandwich?"
"Chicken."
"Cranberry or Apple juice?"
"Apple."
"Pudding or Jello?"
"Pudding."
"Okay now we do breakfast."
"Oatmeal with fruit or eggs?"
"Oatmeal."
"Apple or Orange Juice?"
"Apple Juice."
"Okay lunch."
"I don't plan to be here that long."
"We'll order just in case."
"Ugh ok."
"Mashed potatoes with chicken or Grilled cheese with tomato soup?"
"Grilled cheese."
"Fruit or Jello."
"Never jello B...never, I hate the stuff. You should know that by now!" I snapped. She looked at me nervously and then nodded and circled my choice.
"Sorry...fruit it is." she said nervously.
"Apple Juice or Lemonade?"
"Really, B? Apple Juice!"
"Okay...um...we are done with this then. I'm just going to call Q and then turn this in. You should try and nap."
"I'm not tired, I just woke up."
"Yea well you are a total cranky pants right now...so maybe a nap would do you some good."
"Don't act like you suddenly care about me, Britt." I scoffed.
"What? Of course I care about you." Her face crinkled up and she looked genuinely hurt.
"I'm sick of your lies, Brittany!" I didn't know why I was being so hostile toward her...well actually I do but I didn't plan to get so angry about it.
"What lies?" she sighed as she leaned on my bed, holding my hand between both of hers.
"Just go B." I said finally. I pulled my hand away from hers and clenched my eyes shut.
"No! What lies did I tell?"
"Forget about it." I still didn't look at her.
"No, you can't just say shit like that and then take it back."
"I'm just hurt right now. After tomorrow we return to New York and it has me anxious."
"Let's not think about that right now." she said suddenly deflated.
"How can I not?" My eyes snapped up to hers.
"Because it's not important, not right now."
"Of course it's important, right now! The state of our marriage is insanely important to me all the time!" I was screeching now and Britt was looking down at me in stunned silence."Say something damnit!"
"You need to calm down...please? You're scaring me."
"Get out Brittany! It makes me sick to even look at you!" I covered my face with shaky hands as I cried into them.
"I don't understand...what did I do? What did I say?"
"GET OUT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Britt jumped back but still didn't leave. I rolled from my back and tried to climb from the bed. The pain was intense and then I felt myself falling.
"Ana!" Britt flew forward and caught me just as I was about to hit the floor. The door flew open and Damariz walked in, how did I forget she was in town?
"What the heck is going on in here?" she yelled as Britt was putting me back on the bed.
"She won't leave, Mari...I...tried to make her and I fell."
"I'm leaving." Britt whispered as she grabbed her purse, she looked down at me with sad eyes before walking towards the door. Mari came and sat down in the chair by my bed and just observed us. My heart hurt as I watched my wife leave looking so defeated, it made me suddenly feel guilty.
Just as Britt reached the door but without turning her back she mumbled, "I'm sorry I hurt you...I just need this..."
"Fuck you, Brittany!" I said coldly.
"Sorry."
The silence that filled the room after the door closed behind Britt, didn't last very long. Mari adjusted my bed so I was sitting up fully and then she cocked an eyebrow at me.
"Are you two breaking up again?"
"No."
"Are you sure about that?"
"No."
"Sis-"
"Can we not talk about it please?"
"It's important that you stay calm and if you can promise me that you'll try, I'll back off."
"Sorry, you're right."
"Good. How are you feeling?"
"Tired."
"I talked to your doctor...you have been way too stressed out...I can see that it has something to do with Brittany. I understand that but even still, all that yelling you just did couldn't have helped one bit."
"I know, I didn't mean to snap. My hormones are raging. Everything is just so overwhelming right now."
"You just need to take things one step at a time, Santana. You just lost Ian, you're pregnant, and Isaac is still not at 100%, so if you are having issues in your marriage now is not the time to make them worse."
"You're right. I will try and calm down. Thanks Mari."
The lunch that B ordered for me came a short while later and my sister literally waited for me to eat every bite before she left.
I felt overstuffed and ended up falling right to sleep. With all the shit on my mind, I was happy to have a dreamless existence for awhile.
I would worry about my marriage later...apparently it wasn't important right now so I just had to accept that and use the time to take better care of myself for once.