Chapter 7: Why? (Rascal Flatts)
I felt run over a thousand times by the time that my sister left me to rest. Quinn checked in on me and insisted on watching me eat dinner and kissing me way too many times before she surrendered my charged phone. She seemed beyond worried and tired and I knew it was because of me. For once in our relationship, I would like for Quinn to not have to worry about me.
Being a burden on her was my least favorite thing next to all my stuff with Britt.
I had to be better.
Once she was gone, I unlocked my phone and saw that I had a missed call from Carmen, so without doubting myself or thinking it could wait, I called her.
"Santi! I was minutes from buying a plane ticket my love."
"Sorry, we had a scare. I'm in the hospital, I had a tear in my cervix but I'm better now, just here for observation."
"Just what you needed right?"
"Exactly."
"How was the lake?"
"Good, I feel like I was able to confront somethings just by going."
"Well that's progress. When is the funeral?"
"Tomorrow."
"And you're coming home after?"
"Yeah."
"Nico and I want to come over for a visit. You'll let me know when you get in?"
"Yeah."
"What's on your mind?"
"Am I a burden, Carmen?"
"No more than anyone else but people are stronger than you think. If people have decided to hitch their wagons to yours, they have to know they are going to need to carry the load from time to time."
"That...makes a lot of sense actually."
"I know."
"I'm going to be okay, right?"
"That's up to you, my love, if you're willing to put in the work."
"I'm willing."
"Good, you sound tired, get some rest and call me anytime."
"Thanks, beba."
"ANYTIME, Santi."
"Got it."
"Go rest. I love you."
"I love you."
"TT?" I was half asleep and couldn't figure out if I was still dreaming or not. "Santana? Babe? Wake up." Now I was being shaken and okay, what the hell? Maybe shaking me was not the best thing to do after blood loss.
Although my head was pounding something terrible, I forced my eyes open. Just as I suspected, Noah was standing over me trying to make me wake up for some reason.
"Puck?" I whispered into the dark room. Only the light behind my bed was on. Noah was dressed in all black and had shaved off his mohawk. He looked at me and smiled softly.
I loved this side of him.
"Good, I'm glad you're finally awake. It took like fifteen minutes...if you weren't hooked up to that heart monitor, I would have thought you were dead." he winced at his own words and then gripped my hand.
"What are you doing here? What's wrong?"
"I need you to get up and come with me."
"You do realize where we are right? I can't just get up and leave whenever I feel like it."
"I already talked to your doctor. He is going to let you leave for a few hours I just have to bring you back before midnight like you're cinderella or something."
"Well I am a queen." I smiled.
"Whatever." he rolled his eyes and then looked at me with a serious glint in his eyes.
"Where are we going?"
"Ian's viewing. It got moved to tonight. It's just family and close friends. His mom is letting me sing but I need your magic fingers." he said as he played with my hand.
"Oh, Noah...I haven't played piano in years."
"But you know how, besides I need you there...I need you to sing with me."
"I don't think I can do that."
"Please? Do this with me for Ian."
And just like that he had me hooked, I would do anything for Ian, even if it was to break my vow of never playing a piano again.
"I don't have anything to wear."
"No worries, baby mama has you covered."
"Who?"
"Wow...I save your life and you can't even bother to remember who I am?" I heard Quinn's voice come from the doorway. I looked up and saw that she was wearing a black baby doll dress and had a black hat to go with it. She looked funeral chic. If there's such a thing. She came fully into the room holding a garment bag.
"I have a baby mama too, you know." I said mockingly.
"But I'm the original!" she said as she came to stand on the other side of me.
"If you say so."
"So, Dr. J is going to be in here soon to get you unhooked from the machines and then I am going to help you shower and get dressed. I didn't bring your makeup because it's going to get ruined. There is no way you are going to walk away tonight without crying...no one will...except maybe that witch Mrs. Perkins." she rolled her eyes and then pushed my hair back from my face. "How are you feeling, San?"
"Better than this morning but not the best that I can be." I said as I pushed myself into a sitting position. My back was achy and my stomach was numb. I looked down at it and saw that in the two days that I had been in Lima, I had started showing. I had a little pouch now and it made me smile. "I am just happy knowing that this little nugget hung in there while Mami was out of it." I said as I rubbed my little baby bump.
I dressed silently in the bathroom while Quinn stood close by just in case I got dizzy. She had picked out a long flowing black dress, that she thought would look gorgeous on me. I had brought clothes but she said that I should have something new so she had gone shopping.
The dress hugged my body around my stomach so if you looked you could definitely see the baby bump that I was newly sporting. I sat patiently as she pressed my hair so that it hung in loose curls around my face and even allowed her put lotion on my arms and legs for me.
"If you get cold, I have a sweater for you in the car." I raised an eyebrow and she gave a little shoulder wiggle and smiled at me.
"You thought of everything."
"Ride or die, right? Although, right about now I'd like an assurance from God that the rest of us will live long full lives." She said, looking haunted.
Puck poked his head in and Quinn shooed him away, even though he had to get in a dig about seeing us both naked plenty of times. I turned from the sink and pulled Quinn into a tight hug. She felt stiff at first but then after a moment she wrapped her arms around me. We stood there holding each other and I could feel the tears coming already. I pulled away and looked in her fucking amazing eyes.
"Thank you for everything Quinn. I really don't know what I would have done without you today." She looked up at me with tired but bright eyes and just nodded.
"I will always be here for you Santana." she said as she stood in front of me, adjusting my hair clip. Then she made me lift my feet as she slid my ballet flats onto my them and then she stepped back to look at me. "Perfect."
"I love you Q."
"I love you too. Now let's get going...we are already late." she said as she rolled her eyes and held out her hand.
Ian's viewing/memorial service was held behind St. Peter's, in their reception room. It was small and intimate, just perfect. When I walked in holding hands with Noah with my arm looped through Quinn's I immediately felt nauseous. The smell of the strong perfumes and colognes made me feel like I was going to throw up at any moment but I just swallowed it down and allowed my two best friends to lead me to the front row of chairs.
Ian's Uncle Thomas looked insanely normal for being such a creep. His black hair was tousled about his head like Ian's blonde hair always was. It was gross. He looked at me as if I was some sort of walking disease but I quickly looked away. We walked to the end of the row and sat in the last three chairs. I was surprised to see Brittany sitting there already with a sleeping Isaac cradled in her arms.
Quinn and Puck had left me the seat just beside her and I looked at them with disgust. This was not in my plan. Britt was not who I wanted to depend on anymore. I smiled at Britt and then sat down beside her. I leaned away from her and into Q. She leaned into me and pretended that she was smoothing out my hair.
"Play nice. It took a lot for her to come here. She's trying. You want this to work...then don't give her such a hard time." she whispered really low. I nodded my head and then looked back towards Britt. She had been watching the whole exchange between me and Q silently. Her blue eyes met my brown and she smiled...like genuinely...I finally leaned closer to her and rested my head on her shoulder.
"Thank you for coming B." I said before looking up at her again.
"I promised to be here for you." she said before biting her bottom lip.
"Well thanks."
The service got underway a little bit after that. It was mainly a reading of Ian's eulogy and the presentation of his soul before God. We did a responsive reading with his Uncle Thomas. I sat white knuckled, gripping the edge of the chair the whole entire time. I wanted to jump up and strangle him. We were halfway through when I was hit with a wave of nausea that rocked me.
"Ana...you look like you're going to throw up. Lets go to the bathroom." Britt said as she leaned close to my ear. I didn't say anything, I just nodded. She moved quickly as she handed Isaac to Quinn before helping me to stand. I didn't even try to fight the urge to lean into her body as we made a swift exit from the room.
I knelt over the toilet seat and emptied my stomach before sitting on the cold tile floor. Britt stood by the wall texting on her phone. I looked up at her and then something in me broke. I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump that had formed. We were at such a fucked up place and God only knows how we would be able to fix it.
"Can you get Quinn, please?" I croaked out in frustration.
"What? Why?" she said in a shrill voice as she placed her phone down on the counter top. She filled up a paper cup with water and then came and knelt down beside me. "You don't want me here with you?"
"Not when you're fucking texting, no. I want you here holding my hair. I want you rubbing my fucking back. I want the girl that I fell in love with and she isn't here right now!" I yelled, thankful that I wasn't crying anymore.
"I was talking to your mom."
"I don't care! She can wait!"
"I'm sorry."
"Stop saying that Britt. Please for the love of God...don't say that to me anymore!" I buried my face in my hands and tried to take deep breaths.
When had Britt become so frustrating to me?
"Okay. What do you need?" she said as she pushed the little cup of water into my hands. I looked up at her and then took the cup. She looked so torn. She didn't want to be wrapped up in me and my drama any longer.
"I need you to leave already. I just don't want to see you anymore."
"I'm here for you Santana." I flinched at my full name leaving her mouth but then looked at her and nodded. "You told me that you needed me here. So here I am. You are my wife. It scares me...I just don't know how to love you like you need me to. I keep comparing myself to what you have with Quinn and what you had with Ian and even to what you have with Marco...I can't compete. It's just too hard. I'm tired...everyday is like a war."
"Are you turning my words on me? My words to Abuela?"
"I just want you to understand. The same way it was a war for you to ignore your feelings for me...it is like a war for me right now to try and compete with these other people in your life. I feel like you don't need me like you say that you do."
"How long have you felt this way?"
"Since the day that I stepped off that bus from cheer camp and you went running into Marco's arms."
I sat there looking up at her in shock.
That was almost exactly a year ago. Why did she hold it in for so long? Why was she doing this right now?
I nodded and then pushed myself up off the floor. I staggered a little but then caught myself against the wall. She had her arms out ready to grab me but didn't actually touch me.
"I won't do this. It's not important right now."
When I hit her with the words she had used on me earlier she definitely didn't like it. She looked hurt as she stood there staring back at me.
I sniffed and then walked over to the sink. I spared her a few glances through the mirror but I didn't say a word to her after that. I rinsed out my mouth a few times and ran a paper towel over my face. I needed to regain my composure. I tossed out the paper towel and made my way over to the door. Britt beat me there and held the door open for me. She was so fucking confusing. I looked at her and nodded my thanks before heading to the front row and sitting down beside Quinn. She looked at me with questioning eyes but I just shook my head and held my arms out for my son who was still asleep.
Once Isaac was in my arms, I felt my nerves immediately calm down. As I sat there and listened to almost every family member of Ian's go up to the front and speak I fought tears. I was emotionally spent by the time that Puck stood up and came over to me.
"Ready to play?"
I kissed Isaac's face a few times and then handed him to Britt. I didn't want her to have one more reason to think I chose Quinn over her. After I was sure she had a good grip on him, I brushed invisible lint from my lap and took Noah's proffered hand.
"You have the sheet music?"
I asked as he walked me over to the piano that sat about three feet away from Ian's casket, which I had been avoiding looking at. I didn't want to remember him like that. I sat down on the piano bench and rolled back the lid. I had boycotted piano after Papi broke my hand when I was fourteen. I hadn't played since.
Noah though had heard stories for years from Quinn about how much of a child prodigy I had been. I looked over to Britt and saw the shock in her eyes. Yet another thing she didn't know about me that other people did, it was such a simple thing but she looked genuinely betrayed. I swallowed the guilt and the words that she had just said to me and spread out the music sheets on the stand.
"Ready?" Noah asked as he stood next to the piano with his black guitar. I nodded as I looked down and rested my fingers lightly on the keys.
I cracked my neck and then tested the tune of the piano before looking at Noah, giving him a slight nod before I began to play and even though the notes were simple...they were so hard to play.
"You must have been in a place so dark, you couldn't feel the light..." Noah sang out. I looked up at the music sheets and began to put my heart into every note.
I hummed along as I played.
"Oh why, that's what I keep asking, was there anything, I could have said or done?" I finally sang out before I felt my voice break. Noah looked over at me and sang my next line.
"Oh I, had no clue you were masking, a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong. And why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song." He sang the line with so much sadness in his voice that it shook me to the core.
I played on as he continued to sing out the lines and I jumped in when I felt like I could get out the line without crying but it was harder than I thought.
There was a part that I was waiting for more than anything. I continued to play, waiting for it. Noah and I didn't break eye contact as the part came up. He knew that I was going to sing it and from the look on his face I knew that he was going to sing it too.
"Oh why? There's no comprehending, and who am I to try to judge or explain?" I sang out.
"Oh, but I do have one burning question, Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?" Noah sang out. He began to pick up the tempo on his guitar as I clenched my fists in my lap and sang out the last few lines acapella. It took everything in me not to look at Ian's mom while I sang them. I closed my eyes and sang through my tears.
"They were wrong! They lied! and now you're gone and we cried!" I choked out before taking a deep breath. I leaned over the keys and played the last few notes as I finished off the song. "Cause it's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song. Your beautiful song, your absolutely beautiful song."
Even though the words were done, I looked at the face of my son's father and played out a short little bit of happiness because Ian always made me so damn happy.
I hated this.
"I love you, Papa Bear." I whispered before sitting back and closing the cover of the piano.
When the music stopped, I was able to hear the crying throughout the room. I sat there feeling numb staring at the casket as the tears leaked down my cheeks. I didn't stop looking even as Noah led me back to my seat. When I was sitting again, I wiped at my face and then I looked over at my smiling son and saw his big blue eyes staring back up at me. I leaned over and took him into my arms. I held him to my chest as the cries wracked my body. I felt several pairs of hands touching my back and two pairs of arms wrapped around me as I cried.
They were all offering their condolences but I couldn't hear them. Isaac began to whine a little bit and I just kept kissing his head and rocking him. Everything pretty much ended after the song and now all of the attention was centered around me.
Most of Ian's family and friends had never seen his son. They had never met me and now they all wanted to get a glimpse of the spectacle of my tears and I didn't care.
Nothing mattered to me right then more than my two babies. I pulled the rosary from under my dress top and let Isaac wrap his little fist around the beads. I held onto it too as I closed my eyes and began praying harder than I had ever prayed before.
I woke up mid-morning on my side with my hands cradling my stomach. I felt more rested than I had in weeks and I had to admit that it felt great. Something about releasing all those tears the night before had emptied some of the heavy emotion that had been sitting inside of me.
What was also refreshing was being able to wake up without anyone in my face. I pushed myself up from my bed and waddled to the bathroom. My whole abdomen was no longer numb and was now on fire so I knew that I had to take it slow. I held onto my little stomach as I finally made it to the toilet and wasn't surprised to see that I was still bleeding a little bit. I was supposed to be checked out in a while so I didn't stress it.
Instead of stressing, took time to clean myself and then brush my teeth and my hair until I felt refreshed.
By the time I made it back to my bed a whole hour had passed by. I knew that the peace and solitude wouldn't last long so I was really enjoying it. I climbed back on my bed and found that my breakfast had been replaced by lunch so I must have slept half the day away.
Half the day went by and I didn't have any visitors...that just seemed odd but with all the recent drama I wasn't complaining. Maybe after my extensive crying the night before they had decided to let me have the morning to myself.
I ate my lunch and played angry birds. My soul felt at peace as I made it through my meal.
About two hours passed by like this with me just lounging around with no visitors.
Dr. Ramirez came in not long after I finished my lunch with a soft smile and was quick and efficient as she checked me out.
"I just added a quick tightening to a stitch, it looked strained."
"This funeral business is hard on me, doc. I'm doing my best to not get worked up."
"I know, Santana. You just need to get through this next day but then I'm going to need you to follow up with Dr. Cabot when you get back to the city. I've already talked to her and she has my notes."
"Thanks for doing that."
"No argument?" She looked surprised.
"A lot has changed, I want this little nugget to make it here safely and I know that I have to do whatever it takes, even get fat."
"That's my girl."
She left me with prescriptions and then dropped a kiss on the top of my head before running a hand over my tiny little bump.
I'd really miss her.
Her stitch worked because within two more trips to the bathroom, I had stopped bleeding completely. I was supposed to be discharged soon and was hoping that I could head out while it was still daylight.
Dr. Jindahl walked in with Quinn not too long after Dr. Ramirez left. They were both smiling and joking around with each other. I was so happy to see them. Quinn held a duffel bag over her shoulder that she put at the end of my bed before sitting down and crossing her hands in her lap. She was smiling at me but now that she was up close to me, I could see that she was hiding something. Doc on the other hand started checking my vitals and the machines and was chattering away to whoever would listen.
My eyes locked with Quinn's and sure enough, she looked like she was forcing the bubbly smile on her face but I could see that her mask was slipping in front of me the longer that I looked at her. I finally looked away from her and over at my cheerful doctor who was still fiddling with the machines. He turned around and looked at me with a big smile on his face.
"So doc...how are things?"
"You are very much improved, Santana. Your blood pressure is stable, you are properly hydrated and Dr. Ramirez tells me that she fixed your stitch and that the baby is doing just fine."
"That's great, does that mean that I can go?"
"I have your discharge papers waiting for you at the nurses station. I want you to start taking better care of yourself young lady. Eat three meals a day, drink at least a gallon of water a day, and try to sleep more and yell less. Got it?"
"Yes, doc. What about the bed rest?"
"Dr. Ramirez wants you to follow up with Dr. Cabot when you get back to the city. She will examine the stitches and at that time determine next steps. In the meantime don't go running marathons or anything and stay away from intercourse until then. I know it's a hard concept but you need to relax. I want you to enjoy this pregnancy...ok?"
"Ok. Thank you so much doc!"
"No problem! Call me or Dr. Ramirez if you have any pain between now and your flight. Any bleeding you get to the ER immediately. Understand?"
"Yes sir."
He leaned over and hugged me. He had really come through for me and I was so grateful for Papi. It was like I had my own personal doctor. Nothing better than that. He ruffled my hair and then winked at Q before he left the room. I looked over at my friend and noticed that her mask had fallen. She looked insanely exhausted. Her usually amazing eyes looked strained and she looked like she was on the verge of tears.
"What's going on Q?"
"It was a long night after I dropped you off. Why don't you go ahead and get dressed, then I will tell you on the way to the house."
"Is it bad?"
"Depends on how you look at it...just get dressed. We need to get to packing before the funeral tonight. Our flight leaves early tomorrow morning."
She looked like she was barely holding it together so I didn't even bother putting up a fight. I trusted Quinn's judgment and if that's the way she wanted to deal with whatever it was then I would comply.
We sat in Q's old bug and headed to my mother's house. She was silent for a while and kept clearing her throat. I didn't let it get to me today, she was definitely on edge. I wasn't used to Q being so antsy, the fact that she was having an internal struggle about how to talk to me, made me nervous. Finally I couldn't take it anymore.
"Just talk to me Q."
"Britt left."
"What do you mean, she left?"
"She's in California...she um...changed tours. That's what Frankie was referring to on the phone."
"David Guetta?" I asked, knowing that Frankie was in California and that she was on that tour.
"Yea, how did you know?"
"That's Frankie's tour." I said calmly.
I should have expected her to leave after our conversation the night before. I wasn't surprised that she did it before I got back to the house either. Britt could never deal with confrontation.
"Shit. She never said that." Quinn looked pale now. Clammy wasn't a good look for her at all.
"When did she leave?"
"She was gone when I woke up this morning. She texted me from the airport."
"Where is Isaac?"
"Gladys has him."
"Was she even planning on coming to the funeral tonight?"
"No."
"I get why I'd be upset about this but you still seem on edge. What is it?"
"Rachel has been all over Facebook. She is already making out with other people. It's been two days."
"It's her loss Q."
"Yea, I know, it just hurts. I mean she fought so hard to keep Finn...why not me?"
"That's because she's selfish just like B. Did she even stop by and check on me after my breakdown yesterday?"
"I doubt it. She went back to the house last night and slept on the couch, didn't speak a word to anyone, including Gladys and you know how your mom felt about that. So I spent the night taking care of Isaac, who is not doing to well by the way. He had a bad night last night. I think he has a cold. Maybe it was too soon for the plane ride. Too much exposure to foreign particles."
"You sound like a doctor already."
"Whatever."
"Is it really bad?"
"Yea...it has the potential to be. After tomorrow...no more planes."
"I said that I didn't want him on one in the first place. Thank you for taking care of him. That means the world to me Q."
"Don't mention it, that's what best friends and godmothers are supposed to do."
"Are you sure it's okay to leave him?" I asked Mami while I rocked my son to sleep as Quinn packed our bags.
"Yes, the last thing he needs is to be in a room full of people when he is already sick."
"I know, I know it's just, I feel like I should stay."
"You're going to go speak on behalf of your son and his father."
"And bury him."
Mami pressed her hand to my stomach and looked me straight in the eye.
"You know the superstition, Anita, that's the last place you should go."
"Screw superstition, I feel like I need to be there."
"Pues, mi'ja, you're an adult and if you want to tempt fate..." She threw up her hands and didn't say another word about it. "Give him over and go finish getting ready."
"Thanks again, Mami."
St. Michael Catholic Church in Lima Heights wasn't new to me, although I lived in a different parish, I had taken my first communion there. It was mi Abuela's church. Which is partially why I was so thrown off when I saw her at St. Peter's. Mami says that she started going to our church because she got into an argument with one of the nuns at her own church and apparently tried to punch her. I obviously come by my temper honestly.
Quinn and I had been surprised that the funeral had been allowed in the church to begin with, since it was a suicide. That was one of those great big sins that just wasn't tolerated in the church but then again this church was much more open than the one me and Mami went to, St. Peter's had been generous enough just when they allowed the viewing to be held on their premises, so I wasn't surprised that they had stopped it there and had not allowed the actual funeral to be held in their sanctuary.
Even though St. Michael's was in a pretty tough neighborhood, it was one of the most beautiful church structures that I had ever seen. A peace filled me as I stepped inside for the first time since my confirmation. I had so many memories and they brought a smile to my face and I'm sure a light to my eyes.
It felt like coming home.
No matter what nonsense I get into out in the world the moment I step into any church all of that just melts away.
As I dipped my fingers into the holy water I was immediately reminded of my childhood and how this was always my favorite ritual. Even as a child I thrived on rituals and this one brought me hope that even I could be cleansed of my growing mountain of sins.
When walked down the aisle, I kept my eyes forward even though I heard the whispers as I walked. This was the public funeral and since Lima Heights was so small, everyone tended to know each other so a funeral was a community event...no matter who it was.
I walked in with Q directly beside me and headed straight to the front and sat behind Ian's mother and sister. When Mrs. Perkins saw me she pushed Ingrid over and waved me up. I looked over at Quinn and she just shrugged and urged me to go sit up there with Mrs. Perkins. When I stood, I saw Noah coming up the aisle and I waved him towards Quinn. He nodded and we switched places.
From the front pew I could see Ian's face more perfectly than the night before. I had been able to escape without having to see him up close but now I could see every single detail. His face looked pale and his dirty blonde hair was slicked back...he would have hated it. He had always preferred that tousled, bed head look. I'm sure his mother took a sick pleasure in sending him off with a hairstyle like that. It was so unlike him.
I immediately recognized the suit that he wore as the one I had bought for him to wear at prom. He had told me that he wasn't going to go but I insisted that he did and then he broke down and told me he had nothing to wear...it took me a week to convince him to let me buy him that suit and even then he had insisted I buy a cheap one. I had let him choose one and then got it tailored to fit him properly. It looked so nice on him and now seeing him in it again gave me chills.
It was crazy that he would be buried in it.
I glanced back at Quinn who had her head bent and her hands in her purse but I could still see her furiously texting someone as she leaned against Noah's shoulder. He smiled at me and then quickly rubbed at his eyes. He was already crying. I was about to say something to Quinn but then I felt my phone buzzing in my jacket pocket. At moments like this when I was next to people like Mrs. Perkins, I was thankful for the privacy screen on my iPhone.
I have the card for Tori in my purse. Do you want to give it to her?-Q
I didn't bother to text back I just looked back at her and nodded. She winked and then she folded her hands on top of her purse before turning towards Puck and engaging him in conversation. She was becoming a master of distraction lately. I appreciated it beyond measure.
As the service got underway, I sat stiffly and looked at Ian's still form. I kept remembering him at his best and it made my eyes burn. I had been so distracted that I flinched when Tori leaned her head on my shoulder and whispered to me.
"You look beautiful, Santana. Like always."
"You do too Tor. I hope that you have been dealing with this alright."
"I'm ok. Are you ok? Are you sick?"
"Y-Yea...I'm ok...why do you ask?"
"You are wearing a hospital bracelet." she said as she fingered the plastic bracelet that I had forgotten to take off.
"Oh."
How had I forgotten to take that off? I mean I had gone home, showered, ate, played with Isaac. Never in all that time did I even notice it. I didn't get a chance to respond to her because the priest, Father Newman, had stepped to the front and Mrs. Perkins shot us both a look.
She didn't scare me but I didn't want to be the cause of her doing anything to Tori. I mouthed an apology and she nodded curtly at me. I looked at Tori and wrapped my hand in hers. She scooted closer to me and I wrapped an arm around her. My hand brushed someone and I looked up to apologize.
That's when I saw who was sitting on the other side of her. Uncle Thomas.
I jerked my hand against Tori as he smirked at me. My head snapped forward as I tried to ignore his presence but no matter how much I tried to ignore him, I could feel him leering at me.
Creeper.
The service was very subdued, especially without people like me and Noah singing.
Father Newman talked endlessly about the church needing to pray for Ian's soul. I agreed but the way he said it angered me, his tone was laced with judgment and animosity as he openly talked about Ian's child out of wedlock and then he went on to talk about Ian's many transgressions.
My body was vibrating with so much negative emotion. I wanted to snap but I bit back the words that wanted to spill from my mouth. I was so angry as I sat next to Mrs. Perkins, who kept nodding in agreement, she made my anger feel alive and electric. I couldn't wait until this was all over. I tightened my arm around Tori as she sobbed silently into my side every time the priest said something painful about her big brother. I was fighting tears myself but I couldn't let them fall especially because they weren't from sadness.
I felt homicidal and there was nothing that I could do about it.
I breathed a sigh of relief when Father Newman called up Mrs. Perkins and he stepped to the side with his tirade. She smiled down at me making sure she caught my eyes before walking up to the lectern. I waited for her back to be turned before turning back to Quinn and holding my hand out for the note. I turned quickly back around and put it into my purse. I could still feel that asshole leering at me so I would just have to wait for a more opportune time.
All I wanted was to honor Ian and I had thought his mom would want that too. I had been hoping in vain that Mrs. Perkins would provide a break from all of Father Newman's vitriol but she ended up just adding to it. It took everything for me not to leave my seat as I listened to this woman call Ian a heathen who needed all of our prayers. Her brogue was thick and filled with so much hatred that it was easy to forget that she had given birth to him.
I hated her.
Lord forgive me, I know that it isn't right to hate people but I can think of no other sentiment to better describe my feelings for this woman. With every bitter word she said I was assured more and more that I would be keeping my children away from her at all costs. She stopped ranting after a few minutes and then began to lead the church in an old Irish hymn about redemption.
I looked back at Noah and he just shook his head and looked down at his hands. He was doing everything that he could to hold it together. I wanted to just lay with him and hold him like we used to when his deadbeat dad would promise him things and never follow through.
Noah acted tough but on those days when he was curled up in the fetal position, I knew that he just needed someone to hold him and tell him that it was going to be alright. I knew that he needed that right at that moment. I hoped that he was able to get that kind of comfort from Olivia.
After the hymn ended, Mrs. Perkins began to rant again and I fought the urge to groan. I leaned down and whispered against Tori's ear.
"Is she always like this?" I mumbled under my breath as she led the church in a responsive reading.
"No. This is tame."
"Oh God...I'm sorry to hear that." I whispered.
"I'm used to it." she shrugged.
"That's a shame. I have something for you from Ian...you can't let her know though."
"Ok. I won't, I promise."
"I don't know when to give it to you."
"She's about to pray. She won't be paying us any attention, so then."
I nodded and looked up at her. She was glaring down at me and I bowed my head. Bitch. A few moments later we all stood as she began to pray. I leaned back over to Tori.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive." she whispered.
We stood side by side as a prayer began. I waited to see both Mrs. Perkins and Uncle Thomas bow their heads before I slipped the small note card into Tori's hands. She gripped it tightly in her hands for a moment and then she slipped it into her pocket.
I looked over at her uncle and then up at Mrs. Perkins to see if they saw but they still had their eyes closed and their heads bowed. Her mother had been so into the prayer that I felt confident in Tori's judgement.
I just hoped that it didn't backfire.
"Santana Lopez."
Father Newman called out to me. My head snapped up and I looked around feeling a little disoriented. I had been so wrapped up in my own head that I didn't realize that Ian's mom was back by my side.
How long had I been thinking about other things?
What was expected of me? I felt embarrassed as I looked up and saw Father Newman beckoning me up to the lectern as he beckoned me up.
Even though I was an out and proud lesbian, he was still allowing me to the lectern but I knew it was because he had confirmed me. I was forever a part of his flock. I stood up on shaky legs feeling nervous and unsure of myself.
What was I supposed to say?
I looked back at Mrs. Perkins and saw her glaring at me. She knew that I hadn't been paying attention. I felt my heart clench but then looked down at Ian's still form as I passed by his body and suddenly felt the brush of cool metal against my skin and I immediately felt my back straighten. I knew what I needed to do. I stood up next to the same priest that had talked about my bastard son. The same priest who had given me my confirmation name.
Maria.
He knew who I was more than I'm sure he would have like to have let on. I wanted to kick him in the balls but then I felt his heavy hand on my shoulder and I was ten again.
"Welcome home." he whispered in my ear before pushing me forward.
I stepped up to the podium and could see that the church was packed. Every single pew was full and there were even people standing. I looked to the back and could see some of his teammates from the football team hold up their helmets. I nodded to them and felt like I was back at graduation. There were dozens of familiar faces from the my graduating class. I saw almost every jock from the school, they were all sitting there looking at me with tears in their eyes.
My eyes finally rested on Coaches Beiste and Sue both looking up at me solemnly. I knew that they were depending on me to stand up for the father of my children. They knew me...they all knew me...there was no way that I was going down without a fight.
Just as I was about to speak, I heard a throat clear and there just across from where I had been sitting was Abuela. She was looking me straight in the eyes and I felt all of the rejection that she had heaped on me. I didn't think I understood the rejection that Ian had felt from his mother but that's not true, right in front of me was the living embodiment of my rejection.
The sting of it helped me to focus. I took a deep cleansing breath and took a moment to look down at Ian again. I thought instantly of the first time that he held Isaac and how his face lit up like Christmas. That was the Ian that I wanted these people to remember.
"I come before you today not to extrapolate on the many transgressions of one of God's beloved but tormented children, instead I come here to send off a decent man. I cannot begin to cast the first stone at Ian for what he was driven to. What I can say is that I loved him unconditionally in life and in death. All of my life, I have been singularly focused on rising to the top, not caring who I stepped on. Ian loved me throughout all of those moments. He was kind and loved everyone but me, he loved when I didn't even know he existed. This last year, getting to know him and share with him all the firsts has been one of the best things in my life. Papa bear, you saved me when I needed it. I wish that I could have returned the favor. He leaves behind a four month old son who he adored from the moment that he first laid eyes on him. He leaves behind an unborn child that he was crazy excited about, a child that I nearly lost yesterday. I am eternally grateful for the gifts that he gave me and to most of you, he was generous and open with his time, his presence and his amazing sense of humor. I will miss the man that stood and held my hand when our son Isaac had a collapsed lung. He held my hand and prayed with me when no one else would. He hurt deeply the day he took his own life...his heart could not take anymore injustice from those who wronged him and you know who your are. I pray that he has finally found peace from his sorrows. I ask the church to pray for his family, his children, for me. Ian...rest easy. I will love and miss you, every moment of my life. Ciao Papa Bear."
My voice broke the moment I uttered the last three words as I openly wept. Within seconds, I felt a hand on my back and I leaned into it feeling as if I could no longer stand on my own, I wasn't quite sure that I could, frankly. I was led down from the pulpit and out of the sanctuary with a person on either side of me and it wasn't until I felt the warm night breeze hit my body that I looked over to see Q and Noah with tears in their eyes.
"We need to go, TT. His mom asked me to take you home." Noah said as he leaned into me.
"No." I muttered, trying to turn back towards the church.
"San you proved your point...keep your dignity. Let's go home." Quinn said soothingly.
"His burial...I need to be there." I whispered...feeling lost and confused.
"No S, let us take you home."
"Q's right, his mom doesn't want you there. She didn't fight the viewing or the service. Let her have the burial. I will be there for him the way I couldn't in life. Go home, please?" Noah's voice was strained as he pressed against my lower back again. I clung to his shirt as I sobbed against him. He held me tight as I let out everything that had been building up in me since the moment that they had began to tear Ian down even in death.
The church bells began tolled loudly, shaking me back into reality. Noah stood there looking down at me and then leaned in and kissed my forehead.
"Fine. Thank you for being there for him. I love you NoNo."
"I love you too. TT...so much!" he said as he slipped his sunglasses on and began to walk back inside. I saw his shoulders shaking as he walked away and felt a piece of myself break.
Quinn stood there with her hand out. I looked at it for a moment but then smiled and gripped it in mine and let her lead me to the car.
The words from the song we sung the night before drifted to the front of my mind.
There's no comprehending, and who am I to try to judge or explain.
His mom and uncle had beat the joy from his soul...his beautiful soul and I knew that they would pay for it. My soul hurt but I knew that I had redeemed him in some way.
Ian had always deserved better than he got...even from me.