Chapter 8: That's What You Get (Paramore)
When I get trapped in my own head, Q has this disarming way of getting me to refocus my mind on something else entirely and with the way I was feeling about essentially being ousted from the burial, she was doing the utmost to distract me.
"Remember when I picked you up and I was being-"
"A secretive pain in my ass, yes." I grumbled as I angrily scrolled through socials looking for any updates from Britt.
"Hey, be nice and put the phone down for a second, please?"
I huffed and put my phone face down in my lap as we passed the turn towards home and headed into town instead.
"Where are we going?"
"School."
Sure enough, we were pulling into the parking lot of McKinley a few minutes later.
"Why are we here, Q?"
"Because you need to get out some of that frustration and since I'm not planning on going there again with you, walking will have to do."
I rolled my eyes and got out the car, grateful that I was wearing flats.
Once we were on the track, Quinn slid her arm through mine and we began to walk, my phone was left behind in the car with hers so I had no choice but to be present in the moment.
Sure, I was grumbling a little but I knew that in just one lap of this track, I'd be grateful but who would I be if I didn't put up a fight?
"When I told you about Rachel being all over socials, I didn't tell you that it sent me on another spiral of wanting to drink and smoke until I was numb but then Britt was being an ass and not being a mom to Isaac. Your mom was walking around being passive aggressive while my little godson was suffering, so I had to step in."
My heart softened, if Quinn wanted to walk and talk to me about her stuff, I needed to be okay with that. She'd hitched her wagon to mine and I needed to carry the load from time to time.
"Thank you for that, Q. Isaac hit the jackpot having you as his godmother."
"And don't you forget it." She teased.
"Tell me what's on your mind Q, I could really use a break from everything else!"
"It's about your sister."
"Which one? I have four."
"Celia."
"Okay. What about her, are you two finally going to do something about all that sexual tension?"
"Do you think she's really interested in me?" she whispered so low that I had to lean in to hear her.
"Uh...like romantically?" I was dumbstruck. Quinn shot me a look and then looked back at the road. Her whole face was flushed pink.
"Yea."
"Um...yea...I mean, unless there's something you haven't told me, I'm pretty sure most of last year we were in a fight because you were resisting fucking her. Right?"
"Well yeah."
"You're both single adults now, go for it, Q. I already gave you my blessing."
"Yeah, you're right. You know last night after putting Izzy to bed for the sixth time...she had stumbled into the kitchen to get coffee or something and I was sitting there crying over Rachel being so nonchalant about our year long relationship ending. Your sister in true Lopez fashion told me to take my head out of my ass. We ended up talking some. She kept me company through Izzy's breathing treatment and then we kind of fell asleep in your bed."
"Eww, really?"
"It was on top of the covers, fully clothed."
"I think you should go for it, Q."
"You think? I mean it's been like three days."
"So what."
"And she lives in Chicago."
"And Texas but she spends most of her time in New York with Sandra."
"Okay...that's not so bad."
"But before we get ahead of ourselves...why don't you talk to her first."
"And you're still 100% okay with this?"
"Definitely, Q."
When we left the field, I had Q swing by my old apartment building.
"Wait!" I called out and she hit the break so hard, that if we weren't both strapped in, I would have flown through the windshield.
"What?"
There just in front of the building was a for sale sign.
"Pull into the lot."
Quinn was eying me skeptical but she did as I asked. I whipped out my phone so fast and dialed a number that I hadn't had to in a while.
"Hey sis." Sandra said, sounding distracted.
"I'm about to do something and I need your okay."
"Oh God, I thought you were in Lima for a funeral. What could you possibly be spending a boat load of money on? Don't tell me you are paying for the funeral when you've had to fight to even attend it." She'd obviously been talking to Mami or Celia. I rolled my eyes and sighed.
"I'm not paying for the funeral. Do you remember my old apartment building?"
"Yeah."
"It's for sale."
"Okay."
"I want to buy it. It would be a good homebase while I'm here and it would be a good way to make some passive income."
"How much?"
"No idea, I saw the sign and immediately called you before making any moves."
"You're learning, Ana."
"So, will you sign off?"
"I'm going to do you one better, send me the number and I'll connect with Sal to make sure the investment is sound."
"Really?"
"Yup. Right now, you have more important things to worry about and you need to be stress free. If the investment is good, then I will get a private inspector to check it out before buying it."
"Perfect! Thanks, Sandra."
"You're welcome. I love you."
"I love you too."
After sending Sandra a picture of the for sale sign and sending her Sal's number, I hit the dash and looked over at Q.
"Do you know what this means?"
"No, I was pretty sure you were done with this town."
"Well I am but there will be times that we have to come back. I'm not always going to want to be back at the big house and I know you won't want to go to Judy's."
"Of course not."
"So Q, this can be our homebase."
"I like the way you think."
"Of course you do, now lets go back home. There's a little snuggle bug that needs me."
When Ian wasn't at work or at his house, he was always at my mother's house doing the 'manly' things that my father used to pay to have done. With the way that Noah looked like he was barely hanging on, it is no surprise to me that he showed up to the house looking for me to distract him from his sadness and Mami pounced.
Quinn saw him before I did and laughed. "Gladys is amazing."
Noah was cutting the grass with a look of determination on his face. I wanted to taunt him but I could tell that he needed this and I wasn't going to to interrupt. People work through their grief in their on time and in their own way. He didn't even seem to notice me walk right by him. I was glad that Mami was distracting him.
"You gonna talk to Ceily?" I asked Q as we made our way to the front door and she looked at me with a sly grin.
"I'm going to do it as soon as I can before I lose my nerve."
"Good, life is too short to pussy foot around."
She grinned and gave me a curt nod as we made our way to the kitchen.
Mami was sitting with Isaac asleep in his bouncer as she cooked dinner.
"Bendicion, Mami. How long has he been out?"
She glanced at him and smiled.
"Not too long, he just had a treatment so he's in and out."
"Okay, thank you for watching him."
"No need to thank me for hanging out with my precious little guy."
"Well thank you for putting Noah to work, he's taking this really hard."
"I noticed." She looked past me and raised an eyebrow. "Lucy, you intend to stand there looking out that window all night or you going to grow some balls and go out there?"
Q looked at Mami with shock.
"Huh?"
"You girls think you're so clever and secretive, nothing is new under the sun. Go out there and get started on becoming my daughter-in-law already."
"Yes, ma'am." Q kissed Mami's cheek and then headed outside, where Celia was painting by the pool.
I sighed as I watched my sister's face light up when she saw Q.
"I miss that feeling." I muttered.
Mami gave me a stern look but she didn't say much.
Or at least she couldn't because in the next second there was a warning whimper from just behind me.
I turned to see that Isaac was about to have a meltdown any second.
He must have heard my voice.
Once Isaac was in my arms, he calmed down, I kissed his face and danced with him around the kitchen while Mami turned up the music and began to dance too.
It was a moment of levity that I needed in such a hard day.
Even with all the dancing around and music while Mami continued to cook, Isaac still fell back to sleep. My body was back to feeling okay but I still felt a little unsure about climbing the steps with my son, so I pushed into the den and cuddled in the recliner with him on my lap.
Mami brought a blanket in and tucked the blanket around us.
"Dinner will be ready in about a half hour, relax until then. Okay?"
"Si, Mami."
Once she closed the door, I pulled out my phone and took a picture of Isaac's perfect face and decided to break the stalemate bewteeen me and Britt.
It had been an eternity since I had gone this long without hearing from her.
So I sent her the picture and then waited for a response but nothing came.
Is now a good time?-Santi
Yes.-Carmen
Are you calling me?-Carmen
Yes-Santi
The phone barely rang before Carmen was requesting a video chat.
So I accepted and felt the heaviness lift when I saw her face.
"Hey." She said softly, when she realized I was holding my baby.
"Hi."
"How was the service?"
"Hard. The priest and his mom talked about him like a dog. I got up to speak and said my piece. I talked about how amazing he was. She wouldn't let me go to his burial."
"Do you need that closure?"
"Not really, I got to sing and play last night and then today I got to speak for him."
"You'll be able to visit when you have nobody watching you, right?"
"You're right."
"How are the cravings?" I looked away from her and down at my son, for him, I'd be honest with at least Carmen.
"Ever present but manageable for now."
"We are still on for a visit tomorrow right?"
The door cracked open and there was Mami.
"Yeah, listen, it's time to eat. I'll call you when I land, okay?"
"Okay, my love. Cuidate."
Mami's eyebrows were raised but I just smiled at her.
"Would you mind taking him upstairs, I need to call Britt."
She came over to me, giving me the eye but I refused to let her bait me, instead I handed over Isaac.
When I looked down at my phone there was a message. Mami left in a huff but I didn't need her to get involved, there was nothing to worry about. I knew for a fact that she was operating like she hadn't had a heart attack two months ago but I knew better. I could see the strain on her face and I didn't want to add to that.
My addiction was under control and as for my marriage, it was a work in progress.
Sorry I left like that. U ok?-Britt
All good. Just missed you.-Ana
IMU 2-Britt
After dinner, I was back in the den, this time with a posse. We'd all decided to have a movie night and it felt really good to just relax. Quinn and Celia sat wrapped up on the couch with Isaac, while Noah laid sprawled out on the floor. In that moment, I wanted only one thing and that was to be with my wife.
I'd pushed her away when she was just looking for a reason to leave and now I was regretting that but I'd been here before, feeling lonely while she took a break.
This wasn't my first rodeo and I would handle it with poise and grace.
Like everyone was reminding me, I had bigger things to concern myself with like getting Isaac and myself straight to the doctor as soon as we touched down in New York.
Right now, we were just biding our time but I was concerned, my little guy was still smiling but I could hear the strain in his lungs. It was so bad that I was tempted to drive but a nine hour drive versus an hour flight was a no brainer. The sooner I got him in to see his doctor, the sooner he'd feel better, I just wished that Britt was here.
Him being sick was her fault after all.
As I looked at him, drooling on Quinn's shirt, I decided to tell her just as much.
Isaac has a cold. Taking him to the doc as soon as we get home-Ana
Shld I come home?-Britt
Up to you.-Ana
Is it?-Britt
Always-Ana
Feels like a test.-Britt
Just letting you know, B. Do what you want, it's what u r good at-Ana
Wow-Britt
Her call came in a second later but I declined it.
Then she called again but I declined that too.
Quinn's phone went off but before she could check it, Mami popped her head into the room.
"Ana, come into the kitchen for a minute, please."
"Okay, Mami!"
I left my phone behind and followed Mami into the kitchen, relieved to be saved from a blowout with B.
"Is everything okay?" I asked Mami as I stepped out into the kitchen. She nodded and then put her hands on my shoulders, her eyes were searching mine and it put me on high alert. "Mami...you're scaring me. What's wrong?"
"Two wrongs don't make a right, Nanita." Her use of my childhood nickname made me freeze.
"I know that, if this is about the call earlier, I need you to know that she is just a friend."
"That's how things start."
"Not with Carmen." Mami froze, surprised it seemed by my mention of a name she hadn't heard before.
"Carmen?"
"Yes, she's my sponsor." Mami looked relieved and pulled me against her. "Just because Britt can't be faithful, doesn't mean I'm not."
She pressed her hand to my stomach and I nodded, she made her point.
"Be that as it may, mi'ja, you have a visitor up in your room." she said cryptically.
"It's not um...Mrs. Perkins is it?" My heart sank. I really didn't want to deal with that old bat anymore than I had to.
"No, I am pretty sure she won't be coming back here."
"Good."
"Go ahead and remember what I said."
"Um...okay."
I hadn't been expecting company especially at almost ten at night, add to that, the fact that Mami was being weird. Like seriously strange, she even followed me up the stairs to my bedroom door. When I went to open it she stilled my hand and grasped my chin until my eyes were lined up with hers.
"No matter what happens, Santana...I love you and I trust you more each day. I know you are hurting right now...your marriage has gone to shit and your health leaves something to be desired but regardless of it all, I love you. Okay?"
"Okay, Mami, thanks?" I looked at her with a cocked eyebrow and she just stared in my eyes another moment before pulling me in for another hug. I patted her back awkwardly and then stepped back.
"Are you headed to bed?"
"Yes. Make sure you set your alarm. I want to be out of here at six."
"Okay. Night Mami."
I watched Mami as she went across the hall and shut the door. She had me anxious. My hand was sweaty as it gripped the door knob. There were few people that got under her skin and made her act so strangely. I just couldn't imagine who it could be.
A million faces went through my head as I pushed the door open but none of them had looked like her. My heart squeezed so tight that I thought I was having a heart attack. I stood there looking at her with so many emotions flooding my body that I couldn't even formulate a greeting. She was definitely not what I expected.
But I couldn't find a single reason to complain.
When my mom went back to work I was four. I was too young to stay home alone so I spent a lot of time in Lima Heights with mi Abuela. She wasn't very nice to me and called me all sorts of names...it's what made me tough. She had never really approved of my mother marrying my father for a million reasons. He was her professor. He was divorced. He had four children. I mean you name it she probably accused him of it and she never spared my feelings when she ranted either.
Abuela and Mami had been at odds for years because my mom supported my Tio Gene being gay. Abuela took a lot of that anger out on me and even attempted to sell me when I was pestering her too much. At some point I gained her respect and we formed a bond that was special and unique. I was her angel...she loved me even though I was the spawn of an adulterer. Her words not mine.
When I was seven I begged my parents to let me take my first communion classes. Of course with my mother being a lawyer and my father being a doctor...they just didn't have the time. So I turned to Abuela and she immediately said yes. She delighted in my enjoyment of church and began to foster a deep sense of pride in me. She taught me to be God fearing and hard. She is the reason that I was able to deal with Sue Sylvester. A big part of who I am comes from her. She was like a mother to me. So it was no surprise that I began to prefer her house to my own home.
In my very first communion class I met Ariana, she was tough, witty and incredibly pretty. Her family had just moved from the Dominican Republic and she already spoke English flawlessly. She had olive skin, almond hazel eyes and a smile that could light up a town. I was secretly obsessed with her but did everything that I could to keep that to myself and with practice I hid it well.
We became fast friends and were inseparable, she was my first best friend and my first crush. We stayed friends all the way until I took confirmation at twelve. Unfortunately for us, after my confirmation my Abuela convinced my parents that I showing signs if gayness and that I was now old enough to be home alone. So my weekend and evening visits to Lima Heights abruptly ended and I was forbidden from seeing Ariana.
It's no coincidence that soon after that Marco was thrust back into my life and I got pregnant. I tried to keep in touch with Ariana but Abuela had covered her bases and told her parents too. So even when I called, I was hung up on. My parents allowed her to come to my quinceanera but she only came to the church service, with her parents flanking her. She looked sad and heartbroken. I had waved and she had smiled. I hadn't seen her since.
Until now.
"Hey Anita, I'm sorry to bother you-" she said as she looked at me from my window seat. I snapped my eyes to her and then shook my head.
"You aren't bothering me. You could never..."
"You're sure?"
"Want to go into the Treehouse?" I asked gesturing out the window towards the big oak tree. I couldn't help the laugh that left my lips as I watched Ari's face lit up as she stood to her feet. I let her climb out of the window first and then I followed closely behind her.
This was probably the last time that I would be able to do this while pregnant. It suddenly hit me that I would love to bring Isaac up here someday. Maybe during summers once he and the baby were old enough. Maybe I would even move back to Lima someday...crazy right?
I watched Ari closely as she pushed open the door to the treehouse and went straight to the little lamp that hadn't moved since the last time that she had been up here. It was like she had just been there...I hadn't changed a thing.
The treehouse smelled like cherries and smoke. As I got older it had gone from a place to play to a place to get high and hide away. So much had happened in my life since I had last seen Ari. I couldn't help the excitement that vibrated through me as I stood there and watched her move around.
She finally just sat against the far wall, cross legged with her hands in her lap. I set up the pillows along the floor and then sat down against them. We sat down across from each other for the first time in almost seven years and it didn't even feel awkward, it felt right.
"So tell me how have you been Ari?"
"I'm great. I'm about to move to New York on Friday. I'm going to NYU. I had been wondering about you a lot lately and then tonight I went to that funeral with my friends from the neighborhood. I didn't know Ian but my friends did. They know that I'm leaving Lima and that I'm probably not coming back so they asked me to tag along. When Father Newman called out your name, I couldn't believe it and then you walked up there...I just don't know, everything just stopped. My attention was suddenly on you and nothing else mattered. What you said up there was so poignant and just so...right! So Santana! It was hot. I knew then, that you hadn't changed so much, you were still every bit a rebel as you have always been. I just had to see you."
"Wow."
"Yeah...sorry if that was a little forward, but you know me. I always go for what I want."
She leaned closer and took my hand into hers.
The fireworks between us were immediate but then I thought of Britt, I needed to tread lightly, Mami was right.
"Well you may have just come at the right time for me."
"Wow...seriously? That's crazy." She said, suddenly looking flushed.
I chuckled as I rested my head against the wall and just looked at her. Her lips still had that pout to them and a crease just in the center of her bottom lip. I used to fantasize about kissing her just there. I shook myself from my thoughts and smiled really big.
"Everything on some level is crazy. Like the fact that while you always get what you want...I always just take it...whenever I want it.""Are you flirting with me Anita?"
"Do you want me to be?"
"Um..."
"So tell me, Arita," I rolled her nickname around my mouth and winked at her, "What did you come here to get exactly?" I cocked an eyebrow and looked sideways at her...waiting for her to realize that I was severely fucking with her.
"My best friend back."
"I never left."
"Hmmm...I guess not."
"I missed you."
"I missed you too. Like crazy!" she said as she scooted closer to me. "Shame its too late for us, huh?"
"What do you mean? We can be best friends again. We're adults now."
"Yeah but I'm off to New York."
"I'm only in Lima for the funeral...I live in New York."
"Nah...really? Are you still fucking with me?"
"No... I'm serious. It's me, my best friend and my uh...w-wife."
I watched Ari's face go pale, drop into a grimace and then she flush red as she tried to hide her reaction but she had always sucked at it. I smiled and then winked at her again. We had always casually flirted but from what I knew, she was straight just like she probably assumed I was until a few seconds ago. She attempted to pull her hand away but instead I held it securely and then brought it to my lips.
When my lips pressed to the back of her hand, she smirked at me.
"Wow I've missed a lot. So you are married to a woman? Not Ian."
"Yea...he and I just made an amazing baby together. I am definitely married to a woman. Her name is Brittany. She's a dancer."
"Like me."
"Yes...I have always had a thing for dancers."
"So you've always had a thing for me?"
"I guess I have. That's what Abuela saw all those years ago. I was falling for you and she put a stop to it the best way she could."
"It didn't stop me from falling for you. I mean when I saw you at church at your quinceanera mass...I still got all nervous and sweaty...kind of like now."
"And just like then...you can't have me."
"Yeah. I know..."
"Sorry."
"It's no big deal. I didn't come here to molest you or anything."
"Could have fooled me."
"So...the babies? How did that happen?" she abruptly changed the subject and averted her eyes.
"Oh yeah...that's an insanely long story."
I spent the next twenty minutes updating her on the crazy year that I had just had and she listened intently. She was very cautious with her actions as she rubbed my knee in comfort as I sat there replaying the bad times. I felt so broken inside as I sat against the wall with my hands in my lap and I told her how Britt and I were taking a break from each other, the only thing that I kept to myself was the paternity of my second child. I was still holding that bit of info close to my chest.
"Wow, Anita, that's a lot to deal with."
"Yeah but what can I do but suck it up."
"Just don't continue to suck it up you deserve better than that."
"Now you sound like Ian."
"You know what it's good to see that you still have that bad ass courage from when we were kids...it took some serious balls to go up in front of that church and basically tell off the Priest and Ian's mother"
"Yeah well...she totally didn't understand him and abused him. I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't allow her to spend another moment cutting him down."
"She was a bit extreme with the way she was acting. I'm surprised that you didn't deck her."
"Oh I wanted to...but that would have been pointless. Plus I'm really high risk in this pregnancy. I mean I was just discharged from the hospital this morning. I didn't want to start anything that would have put this little nugget in jeopardy." I rubbed my little baby bump and looked up at Ari. She was watching me and squinting.
"What are you thinking? You have that constipated look...which means you have to take a shit or you want to ask me something...please don't shit on my floor." I smirked when her ears turned bright red.
"Um...so can we see each other more in the city?"
"I would really like that. I've missed you."
"I missed you too."
"So what are you studying?"
"What else? Dance."
"Wow...that's a tough program."
"Yeah well...what can I say, I'm all sorts of awesome!" she smirked and it floored me. I had seen her dance as kids and even back then she was an indomitable force. I will never admit this out loud but Ari could probably out dance my wife by leaps and bounds. Literally.
After I walked Ari out to her car and we exchanged phone numbers, I couldn't help but smile on my face. It was the first time in days that someone other than those immediately surrounding me made me happy. It was the first time that I didn't miss Britt.
As I closed the door I could feel Quinn's presence before I saw her. I didn't even act like I was shocked or anything because I didn't care.
"Geez...why are you such a creeper, Q?" I turned around abruptly and could see her leaning against the wall.
"I got Britt to calm down, you're welcome for that." She said, looking annoyed.
"Thanks, I would have done it myself but-"
"Don't lie to me, just tell me who that was, she was crazy hot."
"That was Ariana...remember her?"
"No...you're fucking kidding, that hot chick was Ari? Wow! Britt would faint!"
"Stop right there, Quinnie, it's not like that!"
"Not yet! It's really such a shame that we have a flight first thing in the morning."
"That's not a problem because she starts at NYU next week."
"Oh boy."
"What?"
"You already don't see that as a problem."
"Stop it, Q."
"Oh...San...this is so not going to end up well."
"I'm not going to sleep with her." I said as I pushed my hair back from my face in frustration.
"Who are you trying to convince?"
"Fuck you, I'm going to bed. See you in the morning. Tell Noah, I said good night."
"Should I worry?"
"About Ari, never."
The flight back to the city was long and rough. If I had known that Isaac would spend the entire flight screaming and coughing, I would have endured the 9-hour drive home. He cried like he was in severe pain and it was scaring the shit out of me. I kept rubbing his back and trying to soothe him the best that I could but nothing seemed to be working.
Even Quinn tried to take him but that just made him scream even more. By the time we landed, I was in tears myself but it was more about being relieved that he seemed to calm down. It was like the moment that we were pulling up to the gate, he was fine again. I actually felt really bad when people were giving me rude looks as we headed to find our luggage. Isaac was still wheezing as he breathed against my neck. I felt the tears pooling in my eyes when a few women looked at me with pity.
We went straight from the airport to the hospital. Isaac looked a bit pale and was sweating profusely. I had Quinn check us in and was thankful when she took over and finally asked to see anyone that was available.
It took a while but finally we ended up in the NICU, just where I didn't want to be.
He had pneumonia again.
I cried hard into my hands as I watched them stick my little baby with needles and attached wires to him. It took both Quinn and Sandra, who had shown up the moment Quinn called her, to get me to leave the room and head down to my own doctor's appointment. I had been so wrapped up in Isaac and what he needed that I didn't really give much attention to the fatigue that was rocking me.
Dr. Cabot may not have Doc's sense of humor but she was quick and efficient. She had me laying on the table and my feet up in minutes. She seemed stressed as she finally patted my legs and asked me to sit up.
"How bad is it?" I asked as I looked into her face. She looked at me with stern expression as she tapped her pen against the clipboard in her lap.
"I'm putting you on bed rest. Your stitches are strained and you are in danger of bleeding out again. You are moving way too much and you are way too skinny. So I want you to spend this week off your feet and then come in and see me on Saturday, got it?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Any questions?"
"Yes...is the baby okay?"
"Well, other than the stitches, everything looks good. The baby is still hanging in there even though you aren't taking proper care of yourself."
"I'm trying."
"Try harder."
"I will."
"I talked to Dr. Ramirez and I agree that you need to put on some weight, she says ten pounds and I say fifteen. So eat whatever you want while you are on bed rest. Doctor's orders. Also I think we need to up your prenatal vitamins and calcium."
"Okay, whatever you think is best."
The doctors wanted to keep Isaac for a few days to rehabilitate his lungs. Apparently, we had caught the pneumonia early this time, which was a good sign. I was so angry at the world and at myself for being such an idiot. He was suffering because of me and it made me feel pitiful. I wanted so badly to stay with him but Sandra urged me to go home and get some rest.
Walking into my house without B and Isaac made me feel dead inside. Sandra dropped me off and then went to pick up her husband from the airport. Quinn had gone off for a meet and greet at Columbia and then planned on going to see Rachel. I told her that she was stupid but she insisted that it was just to talk and that she would be home later. I sat in bed feeling lonely so I called the one person that is supposed to help with all of that but who had better things to do.
I was angry that it had come down to this.
"Hey Ana!" she said all excited like, as if we were on good terms.
"Hey B. How are things in LA?"
"Good, really busy. Sorry about last night, you can be as mad as you need to be."
"Thank you."
"What are you up to?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to check on you. I'm home now just so you know."
"Oh okay. Well I'm good."
"Great...um...I'll let you go...have a good time." I felt the tears choking me into submission and so I tried to rush her off the phone.
"Whoa! Santana! Wait!" I heard her yell as I took the phone from my ear. I hate when she calls me that. Get it together Lopez. She is just your wife...even if she doesn't act like it.
"Yes?"
"So...how is Isaac?"
"Um...he's in the hospital. Pneumonia again."
"Shit. Oh no! It's really bad?"
"No, it's not as bad as last time but they are going to keep him for a few days."
"Wow. I wish I was there with him. Are you there?"
"I told you already, I'm home."
"Uh...why? Its like noon there. I'm surprised you aren't with him."
"It's no big deal. Don't worry. Go back to you're busy schedule. Have fun!" I hung up before she could respond and almost immediately got a text.
Y r u shutting me out?-B
Tired. Taking a nap. I'll talk to you later.-S
Ur on bed rst?-B
Q told you?-S
Yes. Y didn't u tll me?-B
Pointless. You can't do anything from there. No worries I'm fine, Isaac will be fine. Just dance.-S
Do u wnt me 2 cum hme?-B
No.-S
R U sure?-B
Yes. I'm going to bed now.-S
K. Luv u!-B
Night.-S
It had been hours since I had gotten home and I was completely shutting down but then something was hitting the window of my room.
When I looked outside, I saw a familiar black SUV.
I grabbed my phone and saw that it wasn't just Britt that I was ignoring.
We have a key but it's supposed to be for emergencies. Is this one?-Nico
Open the door.-Carmen
I opened the window and leaned out.
"Hey." I called down.
"Santi, my love. I brought you food." Nico yelled up to me and then there was Carmen leaning against the big truck, her belly sticking out bigger than mine ever had.
She was the picture of a healthy pregnancy. She was definite goals.
"Use your key, Nico. I'm on bedrest."
He looked back at Carmen and then nodded.
I waited for them to come in the house before slamming the window closed and then straightening the room a bit.
There was a knock on my room door as I climbed back into bed and tucked the covers around myself.
"Come in!"
Seeing Carmen up close for the first time since she and Nico dropped us off at the airport a few months ago made me so happy. She crawled into the bed with me and pulled me into her arms.
"Where's Nico?"
"He's putting your stuff on a plate, he'll be up in a second."
"Isaac is in the hospital, he has pneumonia." I felt the tears come and then she was pulling me against her and allowing me to breakdown. She held me while I cried against her, running her fingers through my hair and mumbling sweet little things to me. "I just want to be happy, you know. It's like everyone sucks and I'm just trying to not let it rub off on me. I can't be sober and have to deal with everyone being idiotic. You know?" I sobbed and she just held me tighter.
There was another knock and then Nico was peaking his head in.
I was so fucking happy to see him that I burst into tears even more.
"That's what a guy likes to see!" He joked and I laughed so hard.
Carmen and Nico stuck around while I ate and updated them on the situation with this baby. Nico thought it was wise that I keep the kid as far away from Marco as possible and I agreed. Having Carmen visit me and talk me through my sadness was almost as good as a meeting. I was so content when they left that I was able to fall asleep.
All was well until I started choke hard enough to wake me up. My face was in a puddle of my own stomach bile and it made my whole stomach flip but I was able to make it to the bathroom. Nothing came up though and I was tempted to shove my fingers down my throat but then I thought about the baby.
I thought of how bad I wanted it and I just decided that I would shower instead. I had never been in the house completely alone and was totally freaked out by how hollow it felt. I was tired and strained as I locked the bathroom door and then attempted a quick shower.
I began to get that woozy feeling again and immediately stepped out the shower feeling like if I passed out that I should be in bed and not on any hard surfaces. I didn't feel any pain but I immediately began to vomit as I leaned over the toilet. I hadn't even had time to kneel so it was splattering on the seat.
Great!
My head was throbbing and I felt so tired as I pulled myself up, to brush my teeth. The tears kept coming and I refused to acknowledge them for fear I'd choke on the toothpaste. Thankfully after getting sick, my body felt semi normal and I was able to make it back to my bedroom without any problems. I pulled my huge t shirt back on and then collapsed onto the bed feeling heavy and gross still. I felt exhausted.
I woke up a little while later in a room that was filled with darkness, lit only by the street lights. I was still tired but this time, I felt like my body was made of led and I couldn't move. I was gazing out the window as I waited for my brain and body to sync up but I just felt so exhausted.
My face was soaked again and I realized that I was lying in a pool of my own vomit and sweat. The sheets were drenched again and I didn't have the energy to do anything about it. The sight of the vomit made me nauseous but I had to get up. I had to clean it up, I couldn't just lie in my own vomit like an animal.
So I laid there trying to get my heavy limbs to work.
Only they wouldn't.
"San?"
I was filled with relief when I heard Q as she climbed up the steps. I finally managed to stumble from the bed but when I attempted to stand up I felt sick again. I sat there on the edge of the bed, feeling the tears drip down my face. I was gripping the edge of the bed so hard that my knuckles were turning white. I felt dizzy as I tried to raise up my head and felt like maybe I just needed to lie back down. I was debating my next move as the door creaked open and when I felt her eyes on me, I immediately began sobbing.
"San, sweetie, what happened?"
I looked up at her and shook my head. I had no words. What was I supposed to say? She turned the light on and walked over to me and rested the back of her hand against my forehead.
"I'm here now okay?" I nodded my head but kept my eyes towards the floor. "Can you stand?"
I shrugged my shoulders as I reached a hand out and clasped onto hers. She slowly helped me to my feet but then a pain shot up my back and my knees buckled. I hung onto her hand so that I didn't crash into the floor. I thanked God and Sue for making Quinn strong enough to hoist me back to my feet and hold me there.
"Okay...let's stay calm...okay? We need to get you to a hospital." I shook my head as I cried harder against her.
"No. I just need to eat again, I was fine after I ate earlier, just let me eat and I'll be fine."
"Sweetie you're bleeding again. Let me get you to the hospital."
"I-I-I..." I dissolved into tears again.
"Sweetie you have to calm down." I nodded and allowed her to help me to my feet. "When was the last time you were able to keep food down?"
"After the funeral back in Lima."
"San that was over 24 hours ago!"
"I know. I can't help it."
Quinn helped me down the stairs and then covered the backseat of my car with towels. She was doing everything that she could to maintain her composure but I could tell that she was freaking out inside. She seemed to be a little more calm than she had before because the bleeding wasn't as bad as last time but she was still being incredibly cautious. I got dizzy and I knew that I was going to pass out.
"Q?" I whispered as the car started moving.
"Yes, San?"
"Don't call Britt." I whispered and then everything went black.
I suck at being pregnant.
I am just horrible at taking care of myself.
I'm destructive and careless.
I'm a bad mother.
I'm a bad friend.
I'm a horrible wife.
I should be dead instead of Ian.
My fault.
My fault.
These are the things that were circulating in my mind as I was stuck in the darkness. I felt lower than I had ever felt before and despite being so sure that most of those things weren't true, I still allowed my negative thoughts to surround me. I just needed one thing.
It's what I always needed.
Not to be alone.
I expected to wake up in the hospital but crazy the thing about the city is that this kind of thing is common and therefore I wasn't admitted. They sewed me back up and then I was sent on my way and even though I was unconscious they didn't bother to wait for me to wake up. So, when I woke up, it startled me to be face to face with my older sister who looked insanely worried and kind of pissed.
"Good you're awake!" she said bitterly.
"Hey Sandra."
"Enough is enough. I'm putting my foot down...you are staying here until Brittany comes back home." It was then that I realized that I wasn't in my own bedroom but in a bedroom at my sister's house in Westchester, New York.
"And if she doesn't come back?"
"That's not an option."
"Whatever San, you don't know Britt like I do, she is going to do what's best her first, before anyone else. So just take me home."
"Fuck that. Listen to me Santana, you are staying here. You and Isaac. I'm going to personally make sure you eat every meal, every day and I'm going to make sure that you rest. I don't like seeing you like this. Isaac has already lost Ian don't you leave him too."
"Alright...okay. I'll do whatever you want. As long as you stop staring at me like that." she broke out in a smile and slapped my shoulder.
"Good. Your common sense is back. Now I have someone that wants to talk to you."
I nodded and tried to get up out of the bed but Sandra pushed my shoulders backwards until I was sitting up against the headboard.
"Stay here!"
I sat back and simply nodded. Sandra's anger was less humorous when I was sober and I really didn't want to piss her off.
The door opened and I heard a bunch of laughter and then Britt entered carrying a tray of food. Sandra closed the door behind her and I just sat there and looked at my wife. Feelings of anger and bitterness coursed through my veins as I looked at her coupled with a sense of joy that I hadn't felt in a while.
Damn my conflicting emotions.
I was really starting to resent her timing!
I missed her.
She was smiling at me but I couldn't bring myself to smile back. She was the last person I wanted to see but that was becoming for us because her smile didn't fade this time, instead she walked closer to me and dropped a kiss on my head. She wasn't going to let my walls get in her way...she was going to dismantle them piece by piece whether I liked it or not.
A/N: Wow...that took way too long to get through. Thank you for the reviews and adds and faves. I appreciate every comment and critique. Tell me what you think!