Chapter 9: Back Again (Parachute)
There was a war rumbling around in my mind. I was on strict bed-rest now, which meant that I absolutely needed my village now, even if I would rather handle things on my own. My biggest issue though was that the head honcho of my village was supposed to be Britt but she was being ridiculously unreliable these days. Every single time I got it in my mind that I was going to do this alone, she'd show up and act like she never left. This cycle that we kept going through was making me insane. Now, here she was, not on tour but standing in my sister's guest room in New York looking at me like I was all that mattered.
Only, I knew now that I wasn't all that mattered. She needed something that I couldn't give her and I was starting to understand just how frustrating loving me must have been for Marco and Ian. I could never give them what they wanted because what I needed was non-negotiable.
So now, I was just trying to meet her where she was but it was so fucking hard, for someone with such amazing physical timing, her emotional timing was way off the mark.
"What time is it?" I asked her, as if this was any other moment.
"It's..." She cleared her throat and then looked apologetic when I curled my lip at the sound. "It's 12:30, Quinn took you back to the house last night and you kept crying out for me but because I wasn't there, she called Sandra who made Q bring you here and once Sandra had you in her arms you slept all night. Until now."
"Quinn called you?"
She turned pink.
"No, Sandra did, then Celia did, then Damariz and Brenda showed up at my hotel and rode with me to the airport last night. I cleaned up at home and I came here a little while ago."
"Wow."
"Yeah, so here I am. I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner." She said, still holding the tray and looking like she was waiting for the floor to wake up.
Britt placed the tray on the bed beside me and then leaned in to kiss me but I quickly turned my head so that her lips landed on my cheek instead. She pulled back as if she had been stung and looked at me with hurt in her eyes. I just crossed my hands over my chest and glared at her. I wasn't falling for the sweet Britt Britt act that she was trying to put on. I could tell that while she may have gone home, the way she smelled like someone else and was sporting a fresh hickey on her neck told me that she wasn't as innocent as she tried to be.
She walked around the bed and climbed in next to me so that the tray was between us, she picked up the tray so that it balanced on her outstretched legs and then took my hand in hers, playing with my ring finger before bringing it up to her lips and kissing my wedding band.
Ironic, doesn't begin to cover how I felt.
I felt so angry and sad but I didn't think that I could ever show that part myself in front of her ever again. Not after she came back to me so blatantly disrespectful...what's worse, what I didn't even want to delve into considering is that she stopped somewhere in the city on the way up to Sandra's. The smell on her was just way too strong for a five hour flight and a whole night at home.
My soul hurt.
I rested my newly pounding head back against the headboard and closed my eyes. She held onto my hand and periodically kept bringing it to her lips. My head hurt so badly from all the tears that I was holding in. I felt like she was torturing me.
"What are you doing here Brittany?" I sighed finally tired of the kisses so I yanked my hand back into my own lap.
"I've come back home for you." For me. Not because she wanted to but for me.
"Yea? For how long?"
"Forever."
"Yea right...until you need another break in a year or so."
"Breaks are stupid." she muttered.
"What?"
My heart began to speed up as I turned to look at her. She was looking down into her lap and was pulling the crusts off a sandwich and eating them. That comment was kind of like a big deal to me and she didn't even think twice about saying it.
"Yeah so...let's eat?" she said as she handed my the crust free half of the sandwich and then smiled at me and pointed down at the plate on my lap. "I took the crusts off...I know how you hate them."
I picked up the sandwich and took a small bite. This had been my first meal since the waffles Nico had brought me, so I didn't want to go too quickly and make myself sick. After I swallowed, my stomach made a huge growling noise. Britt smiled and leaned in again kissing my cheek. I felt the anger boil up in me when I got a whiff of that scent again and put down my sandwich.
"Why do you do this to me, Brittany? You are so confusing with the back and forth. Every time you have me feeling like things are perfect you tell me that you aren't happy. Every time I get my heart to a good place you come and bulldoze right through it."
Her ears got red and she pulled her lip between her teeth and nibbled on it. I was looking at the side of her face as she kept her eyes down on her half of the sandwich.
"I guess that I got greedy. I was so jealous of what you had with Ian that I went chasing Frankie and you know what, she finally had enough of it too. I was selfish and I'm really sorry." she began to pout as she raised her watery eyes to look into my cold ones.
I was so hurt by her abandoning me that even her pout, which normally would melt me into submission, didn't faze me. I was beyond that part of our relationship. Ari was right. I didn't deserve to be jerked around like this. I was too good for it, I knew it and I was pretty sure that Britt knew it too.
But that hadn't stopped her before.
We sat in silence after I essentially ignored her apology. I didn't believe her, I didn't trust her and she still didn't give me a reason to even begin to drop my walls again.
I finished off my half of the sandwich and still felt hungry. I looked over at her moving hands and saw that Britt was picking the crusts off the other half of another sandwich. I tried to look away but she had seen me staring. I looked up at her and could see her smirk as she ripped off the last piece of crust. She finally looked up at me and tried to lean in again for a kiss but I shook my head and leaned away from her. I could still smell it on her face.
While I knew that she was trying to fix things in her own way, I needed more than that, I needed to know she was actually serious and so far showing up smelling like sex wasn't a good start. I watched how she pulled her lip between her teeth before handing the sandwich to me. She was nervous and probably could tell that I knew that she had come to me after fucking someone else.
I took the sandwich and took a big bite of it. I closed my eyes and rested back against the headboard as I savored the food. I was much hungrier than I realized. How had I forgotten?
Britt sighed and tried to grab at my hand again but I snatched it away and put it on my sandwich.
I didn't really want her to touch me.
"Are you ever going to forgive me?"
"I need more time." I said as I swallowed down my last bite. I was rubbing my fingers together over my plate trying to free them of the crumbs. I couldn't bring myself to look at her.
"Um...okay but you should know that I'm not going to give up." she muttered as she grabbed at my hand again. I snatched it back and then turned to look her in the eyes.
"Did you fuck anyone while you were out there for two days?"
Her cheeks flushed pink as she looked away from me and nodded. "Yeah."
My heart dropped but I wasn't backing down.
"And you fucked someone on the way here didn't you?" My tone was bitter and harsh but I needed to know.
"Y-yes."
"What the fuck, Brittany! When? How?" I was too afraid to ask who.
"Well, we um met up last night and she kept me company, so I wouldn't get lonely."
"Lonely? For a few fucking hours, do you know how lonely I am, all the fucking time? Do you even care?" I was crying now as I looked in her eyes and could see that my hurt was getting to her for once.
"I do, I'm sorry. I promise you!"
I felt a heaviness rest on my shoulders and I didn't think that I could deal with it. I finished off my sandwich and then rested my head back again. The throbbing pain was now moving down from my shoulders to my back. I knew that I needed to calm myself so I placed my hands on my baby bump. I smiled to myself when I noticed how it had popped out even more. I now looked pregnant, there was no denying it.
It was a moment of peace wrapped in chaos. As I sat there smiling I almost forgot that Britt was still sitting there beside me until I felt her nudge me. I opened my eyes and turned my head ready to snap at her. Was she really nudging me? I was glaring until I saw that she had peeled a banana and was handing it to me.
I took it, well snatched it and then returned to my position, one hand remaining on my stomach. I kept my eyes closed as I slowly chewed the sweet fruit and tried my best to ignore my wife. Of course she wasn't going to allow that, as always she was making things about her.
"Ana?"
"Who did you fuck, B?"
"It was Frankie, while I was in California...she...she didn't want to but I pressured her into it."
"Hmmmm...why would you do that?" I whispered between bites...thinking back to my conversation with Frankie a few days before.
"I wanted to feel the excitement, the risk. I was chasing the thrill of it but I realized how much I would just rather be home with you. After it was over and she kicked me out of her apartment, I wandered the streets and did some serious thinking. I realized how selfish I've been."
"I see." I said as I handed the banana peel back without opening my eyes. Her touch brushed my fingers as she took the banana peel away and I noticed that I didn't feel our normal spark. I just felt really angry with her. "Who was it in New York?"
"It doesn't matter."
"It does."
"Well, it shouldn't matter."
"But it fucking does, Brittany. So who is she?"
"Rachel."
My eyes snapped open as I looked at her, wide eyed. Before I knew it I was recoiling from her touch and pushing from the bed, past the pain and onto my feet.
"Are you fucking kidding me, right now? Is this what happened, when Quinn came to Lima with me? Did you fuck her in our house too?" I screamed.
"Yes."
"Where in the house?" My voice was strained as the pain was tearing through my body.
"Come back to bed, Ana."
"NO!" I screamed at her.
"Please?"
"Tell me first." I growled out.
"Our bed."
I dropped down to my knees and wept into the bed as my head rested on the edge. The sound of my own sobs were loud and harsh as I rained down punches on the mattress. The knife in my chest was twisting and turning something terrible.
This was just too much.
When I lifted up my head, tears and snot on my face, she looked nearly tomato red as she watched me break.
"How can you claim to love me, Britt? How could you do this to me, you smell like her, did you know?" Britt's eyes went wide with shock. "You always forget, after you go down on me, you always brush your teeth but you forget to wash your face. This is not how you treat the woman you love." I said, feeling all of my tears suddenly stop and my sadness turn to a coldness that scared me. I just knelt there looking at her as she bit hard on her lip. We were having a stare off and then I looked away from her as pain made me curl up. "Fuck." I groaned.
"I do love you Ana. Please let me help you, okay?" she whispered to me as she came around the bed and slowly helped me back up onto it. Once I was back in my original position she tried to rub my arms but I slapped her hands away. She sighed and walked back around and climbed in. How was it possible that she was making me feel sorry for her?
"What did I ever do to deserve this?" I whispered with my eyes closed.
"It's not about you."
"Then what is it about?"
"I wish I knew."
"Me too."
"I know you're mad but I won't leave until I know you aren't sick too. You'll need all your energy if you're gonna be pissed."
"How nice of you." I muttered as I sat there playing with my fingers as she leaned over and placed a glass in my hand. I drank the glass of water down in three long gulps, I was insanely thirsty. When I handed the glass back and looked down at the tray hoping that there was something else. Britt lifted the napkin and under it was another sandwich.
"Do you want it?" she asked as she began to pull the crusts off for me. I nodded as I waited anxiously, both for the food and for an answer to my question. She handed me the sandwich and then got up from the bed. "I'm going to get you some more water. I'll be right back okay?"
I nodded and continued to eat my sandwich, happy to be alone again even if it was just for a moment. I hadn't realized just how hungry I was. I ate this sandwich much slower though and tried to better savor it without the anxiety of Britt's confessions. I didn't want to overwhelm my stomach or my body and get sick again.
Britt returned with another glass of water and a pack of cookies. I smiled and she smiled back but I wasn't smiling at her so when I saw her smiling back at me I scowled and looked away.
"Do you want the other half of the sandwich?" she asked me as she brought the tray back onto her lap.
"Yes." I said as I swallowed the last of the first half. She began to rip at the crusts looking more and more frustrated as she went along. She handed me the sandwich and then opened the pack of cookies and bit into one.
"I don't have a reason why I cheat. It just keeps my mind off of other things."
"What other things?"
"Uh...the stress of life...I guess."
She was lying.
"I don't trust you anymore." I whispered softly as I polished off the second half of the sandwich, finally feeling satisfied. I had rushed through it in anticipation of a cookie.
"I know the feeling." She said.
"What?"
"It's been hard to trust you since you got pregnant with Izzy and then when you took drugs then lied about it over and over again. Then you got pregnant by Marco. You don't trust me and I don't really trust you."
"Then why are we doing this, Britt?"
"Because you're my wife and I made a vow."
"The fuck do your vows even mean anymore? I'm nothing but a fucking burden to you. I don't trust you, you don't trust me and right now, I don't even like you, Brittany."
"Do you still love me though?"
"Always and only you B." I said a bit louder. I could see that her hands were shaking. Even though I was hurting I couldn't bear to see Britt hurting, I never could. I was still insanely angry with her as I reached my hand out and linked my pinky with hers but I couldn't help but comfort her.
"I'm really really sorry, baby." she said as she looked at me with angry, sad eyes.
"B you keep saying that but you keep doing it. I fucked Marco while you were fucking Frankie, that doesn't count. I fucked Ian, after you told me too. Never have I ever gone off and done it, just for the fuck of it." I said rubbing my baby bump. "Can you say the same?"
"No."
"Even if I forgave you for Frankie, Rachel crosses a line. I can't just forgive that. The way we have been existing just can't fly anymore. I need a real relationship."
"We have one."
"No, we don't, not with you needing to fuck around."
"I don't need it."
"Britt, you have been doing it since before our wedding day, shit on our wedding day! This marriage isn't working. I just don't want to do it anymore, Brittany."
"What?" she squeaked out. I pulled the rings off my left hand and handed them to her.
"Those rings don't mean shit anymore at least not to me."
She sat there staring at me with her palm clenched around my wedding rings. I reached over and pulled her ring off her finger and placed it on the nightstand beside me. If she wanted to act single then I would make it easier for her but there was no way that she could continue to wear my ring and go fuck someone else...especially RuPaul.
"I-I don't want a divorce Ana. Please? I love you!" she took the tray and put it on her nightstand and then turned to me with tears in her eyes. "Please don't end this." she begged with sad eyes.
"I just can't do this B. My heart can't take it anymore. You're making me sick, you come to me and want to fix stuff and you reek of sex with Rachel fucking Berry of all people. I can't believe you would even do that to me. That's just so fucked up. I can't allow you to keep walking all over my heart. I deserve better."
"What about Izzy? What about the baby?"
"We aren't going anywhere. Your family has never left you Brittany...that's your job apparently." I laughed. "And just because I am done with this marriage doesn't mean I want to stop being friends or co-parents...it's just that marriage means a lot to me and we entered into it lightly and it's killing me. I can't be married to you. I can't let you trash our vows. I fucked up and you fucked up. I stopped and you keep fucking going. You have a problem and I can't deal with it, not now."
"Wait? So we are just done."
"Yes."
"But you want to be friends."
"Yes."
"But no more sexy times."
"No, definitely not. We need to learn to be friends again too. I just want to make it through this pregnancy safely and if I have to waste my time and energy wondering who you are off fucking...God...I just don't want this anymore." I said looking into her eyes for the first time since I handed her my rings.
She shook her head and then tried to lean in and kiss me again. I pulled away and pushed her backwards.
"No more kisses."
"But you kiss Quinn all the time."
"She hasn't fucking betrayed me, has she?"
"I want to start over with you."
"That is not in the equation. I want you to be by my side always but I need time before I can be close to you. I can't let you touch me like that until I can trust that I'm the only one that you are loving up on."
She looked defeated as she leaned back against the headboard and stared off.
"So what now?"
"Now, you can stick around and be my friend or you can go back to the tour. I'm done with there being an us, at least for now."
"Will you leave a window open for me?"
"I don't know, B. I barely want you in this bed with me."
"Do you want me to go?"
"We both know if you leave right now, my sisters are going to hound you. So you can stay a while longer, at least until I fall asleep."
"Okay, thank you."
Once I had eaten, cried, and used the bathroom, I felt tired again. Britt laid on her side when I came back from the bathroom, she lay waiting for me. She patted the bed in front of her with a gentle fucking smile. I still swoon, every damn time but I had to stick to my guns.
"I know you don't want an us but will you let me hold you until you fall asleep?"
I hesitated but then let out a sigh, because I knew that Britt holding me was a sure fire way to actually get some much needed rest.
So I crawled under the covers and then pulled her arm around me. I wanted to cry when she rested her chin on my shoulder and began to hum Landslide in my ear.
The tears eventually came and with them, heavy eyelids and a dreamless sleep.
My sleep wasn't filled with sadness or guilt, just happy moments with Isaac.
I tried to hold onto my dreams for as long as I could but my bladder woke me and I had to shuffle out of the bed to make it in time.
When I got back to the room, Britt was gone and there Quinn was sitting there in the rocking chair, reading Ian's journal. I looked up at her and cracked a smile.
"You are so nosy, Q."
"Yea...I know."
"What's wrong?" I said as I sat up.
"Did she tell you about Rachel." my jaw dropped before I snapped it shut again.
"You knew?"
"I found out right before I got home last night, I was in a rage but then I found you like that and you were more important. Rachel told me herself and I ran straight home to tell you. So I called Sandra and told her everything about Britt because you told me not to call B, I knew that Sandra would handle it. Sure enough, she made sure B got her ass back here by telling her that she owed you that much."
"Well they fucked again before Britt got here."
"That's beyond trash."
"I know. Thanks for having my back."
"It makes me sick, San, all of it."
"I'm sorry Q."
"No...this wasn't your fault besides, I've moved on."
"Good. You deserve the best."
"So do you."
"I just don't get how she could do this."
"Something is off with her San...is she taking her meds still?"
"I don't know...I'm starting to think that she stopped again."
"Well she needs to get back on them because she is on the verge of losing everything and everyone."
"I gave my rings back."
"Good."
Hey Anita :)-Ari
Hi!:)-Ana
How is the city?-Ari
Ugh! On bed rest...it's beautiful outside and I'm stuck inside.-Ana
Well that sucks ass! How long is your imprisonment?-Ari
A week.-Ana
Perfect! I should be there by then. Want to go to church and lunch with me when I get there?-Ari
I haven't gone to church here yet...don't tell my Abuela ;)-Ana
That's okay, we can fix that. When we toured campus Papi made sure to scope out the area churches. I know just the place or places! I have a list! So what do you say?-Ari
Ummmm-Ana
Come on...please?:(-Ari
Okay. Text me the address of the church and I'll meet you there.-Ana
Yes! :)-Ari
"How are you going to explain that to Britt?" Quinn had apparently been reading over my shoulder as we laid on the bed watching a movie.
"What's to explain? Church and lunch. No big deal besides, I'm single." I rolled onto my back and looked up at her. She was now hovering with her head rested on her arm and rubbing my little belly.
"So, you'll tell B then?"
"What? No. She doesn't like church she says it's boring and too hard to follow, besides we are done."
"You're not. I don't think that's possible. Even though she lied, you should still tell her."
"Why?"
"Because if you want to build trust then you both have to be honest, you have a kid together, you need to get along."
"You have a point."
"Don't I always?"
Quinn spent the night holding me as I cried over everything and then the tremors started.
"San?" She whispered to me as she held me tight.
"Hmm?"
"You need to sit up, I think you're gonna be sick."
I groaned and sat up and sure enough, whatever was in the back of my throat pushed forward. Quinn shoved a trashcan in my lap and I vomited into it, feeling feverish.
"How'd you know?" I said, after five minutes of being Linda Blair.
"You were gagging."
"Oh."
"Do you want me to get B?"
"No."
"Do you want me to prop you up and grab you some mouthwash?"
"Yes."
Once I was awake, it was hard to fall back into a restful sleep. Quinn tried her best to hold me but eventually, I had enough of the body heat that she gave off and poked at her face until she was awake.
Her eyes were staring into mine with annoyance.
"What?"
"I can't sleep."
"Of course not."
"What's that mean?" I pouted.
"You've been in this bed for nearly 20 hours, of course you feel awake."
"Where's B?"
"Sandra sent her to the guest house."
"Oh."
"Do you want me to get her?"
I shrugged.
"I dunno." I mumbled.
"Just say the word, I could go sleep in the next room with your sister. At least in there I can sleep naked."
"Eww."
"Do you want me to get, B or not?"
"Can you and tell her to bring ice cream."
"Okay."
Once Quinn was gone, I spread out on the bed and passed out.
Whoops.
When I woke up, it was still dark outside and I was sleeping in the center of the bed stretched out. I felt a burst of energy and hunger at the same time. When I slid out of the bed, I tripped and fell forward but was caught by strong hands before I could complete my fall.
"Okay?" Britt mumbled.
"Yeah, thanks." I pushed up off of her body and left her there.
She'd come for me when Quinn asked her to and it made me feel just a little better.
Was that too much to ask for?
Even though we weren't together and things were awkward between us, the next morning I asked Britt to take me home. Sandra hovered as I got dressed but wouldn't say that she didn't want me to leave.
Until Britt went to turn on the car and turn the air on so that I didn't get car sick.
Once we were alone, she finally broke.
"You should just stay...I would feel better knowing that you're here."
"I know, sis, but I just want to be at home in my own bed."
"Even though she fucked another girl in it?"
"Okay, no, obviously I'll be getting another bed ordered or sleeping in one of the others in the house. I don't care where I sleep in the house, I just want to be home. I haven't been to a meeting in over a week and I really could use one."
Once I played the recovering addict card, I knew that she would buckle and I was right.
"Fine but I reserve the right to check in on you when I'm in the city."
"That's fine."
"And you know that if at any time she gets funny or you feel stir crazy, just let me know and I'll send a car. Don't try to do things on your own in your condition. Promise me."
I wanted to roll my eyes and brush her off but I knew better, the way that Britt gets, it was very likely that things could go south. In Lima, I always wanted to be able to turn to someone other than Q and now here it was. My sister was going to be my saving grace, she was hitching her wagon to mine and I wouldn't turn that down.
The front door opened and Britt came in with her eyes on her phone screen, I felt annoyed almost immediately but I couldn't let that show in front of my sister, so I put on my best smile and nodded.
"I promise, sis. Thank you for having us. I love you."
She pulled me into a tight hug and kissed my face. "I love you too. Cuidate."
When we were in the car, Britt's whole demeanor changed. She seemed super happy now, I loved her like this.
"So, do you want to stop anywhere before we go home?"
"Yes."
"Where to?"
"Nico's."
She got pale and glanced over at me.
"You still talk to him?"
"Of course I do, I saw him two days ago."
"You did?"
"Yup, in fact, Carmen asked to be my sponsor and I said yes."
Suddenly she seemed nervous, I guess faced with Nico after everything when she promised him that she'd take care of me, was the last thing that she wanted.
"That's um...that's great."
"What's wrong, B?"
"Nothing."
"Don't lie."
"I um...it's just I can't be myself around your people. I feel like this there's always a microscope on me."
"But you like Nico."
"I did, now though after everything I feel like he's going to want to have a serious talk. Especially after you've probably told Carmen everything."
"Look, Nico isn't my sisters. They don't give a fuck if I tell them to back off but Nico is different, if I tell him to back off he will listen."
"But that's just it, you shouldn't have to tell anyone. I'm your wife."
"For now."
She went silent but I could tell by the change in her breathing that she was crying.
And frankly, my dear, I did not give a fuck.
"Santi, my love!" Nico called out from behind the counter when he saw me. "Carmen! Your girl is here!" He called to the back.
Nico came from behind the counter and sat us in my favorite booth. He was shook Britt's hand like she was a man and they shared a look that I wasn't familiar with. Then he went and grabbed us drinks. When he was gone, I turned towards Britt and let out the deep sigh that I was holding in the whole car ride.
"When we get home, I'm going to be staying in the guest room downstairs, that way I will be close to the bathroom and the kitchen...tell me you didn't have sex in there." She looked at me in shock and God help me, each time she did I got madder. "Well, did you?"
"No. Just in our bed."
"Okay, well, I'm going to stay downstairs. I think that's the best for both of us."
"You don't want me with you?"
"No, B. At my sisters, it was okay but in that house, knowing that you fucked Rachel Berry...I won't be able to rest. So you can stay in your little love nest and I'll stay downstairs."
Britt had tears in her eyes when Carmen dropped into the booth across from us.
"Hey ladies, uh oh, what am I interrupting?"
"Nothing, Carmen."
"Say less, not my business. I thought you were on bed rest?"
"I am. We are just getting into the city, I was hungry and I wanted to see you. I can't sit through meetings and I was hoping you could stop by this week when you have time."
"Sure! I'd love that. Nico won't let me work so I'm bored. I can stop by."
"Thank you, nothing crazy, just time and maybe you can bring me waffles?" I grinned at her and she nodded.
"Do you want some now?"
"Yes!"
"You got it. Britt, anything?"
Brittany shrugged and looked out the window away from us both.
"Can you just bring her a short stack with whipped cream?"
"I'll tell Nico, you know if I serve anyone, he loses his shit."
"Don't piss him off then."
Carmen looked at us both and then groaned as she got up. Her belly looking beautiful. Before she left, I stood up and pulled her into a tight hug.
She put her lips next to my ear and whispered just in case.
"If she gets out of hand, say the word."
"Calmate." I said and she nodded.
"Sit down and kiss up on your woman, I'll send the new girl your way." She said cheerfully before leaving us.
Once I was sitting next to B, she looked at me with heat in her eyes.
"What did she say to you?"
"Keep my nose clean." I said, the lie rolling so easily off my lips that Britt's super lie detection didn't catch it.
"I agree."
"Me too, B."
By the time that we got home, I was nearly catatonic. Britt seemed to be on a mission to keep me happy, so instead of making a big stink about me insisting on being in the downstairs bedroom, she went up to our bathroom and brought down all of my toiletries while I stripped down to nothing and headed into the bathroom.
I was putting up my hair when Britt came into the bathroom with my body wash and loofa. I gave her a tight smile and then turned towards the shower way too fast and had to reach out for something to grab when I got dizzy. She stood behind me and wrapped an arm around my waist. For only a moment, I rested back against her body until the dizziness passed. I straightened up and went to pull away but she kissed the side of my face and held tight.
"Please let me help you. I'll be good, I promise."
"I don't know, B."
"You aren't supposed to be on your feet for long and you are getting dizzy a lot. What if you pass out in the shower or strain yourself?"
"Fine but none of this cuddling shit, just you helping me like I'm your Nonna. Okay?"
When I stepped into the shower, I could see that her face was screwed up. She was trying not to laugh.
"You are way too sexy to be my Nonna."
"Keep talking like that and I won't let you help me, I swear."
"Fine, fine."
Britt held my hand as I stood in the shower and then washed everything below my belly button since I couldn't reach. She kept staring at my growing boobs and I knew for a fact she wanted to squeeze them. No one was more attracted to a pregnant woman in the world, I'm convinced.
Once I was clean, she wrapped me in a towel, swallowed me in a hug and waddled us back into the guest room.
"Should I go?" Q asked and I pulled away from B.
"Hey Q."
"Oh right, I asked Q to help me bring your stuff down. I forgot." B said.
"Be that as it may, I brought your clothes, S and your books."
"Thanks."
"Are you up for a movie after you get dressed or are you going to bed?"
"Movie and cuddles!" I said, clapping my hands excitedly. My towel fell around my feet and Quinn rolled her eyes and went back to putting my clothes in the dresser.
"I'm going to go see Izzy, is that okay?" B asked and I nodded.
"Yup, will you video chat me so I can see him too?"
"Sure, baby...I mean...Ana. Do you want me to bring anything else?"
"Bacon Pad Thai and a clean face." Q muttered and I watched Britt's face flush.
So Q was obviously pissed too.
This next few days was going to be awkward as fuck.
Splendid.
I had been right about the crapfest of the week. Q was dropping a bunch of shitty comments and Britt was becoming increasingly pissed about it. It was a straight back and forth that made my head spin. Quinn slept in my bed with me, so Britt slept on the floor. Q and I read our books together and Britt went and bought me the books of my wait list online.
By Friday, I was ready to be rid of them both.
Only, Isaac was supposed to be coming home the next day and I needed to be ready for him.
And that was a hard line for Britt.
"Can you bring his crib down here?" I asked B as she rolled up her sleeping bag on the floor.
"No. I think it's time you went back upstairs."
"Well I can't. If you leave and I need food, I can't be going up and down the stairs."
"I don't want you to move in this room."
"So?"
"Can we be done with this already? I fucked up but you have done so much worse and I always forgive you."
"You fucked Rachel Berry in our bed and you want me to sleep in it?"
"Quinn helped me change the mattress and the sheets. What more do you need?"
"I need you gone, Brittany. Why are you even here?"
She was crying now, her arms wrapped around her chest. It was the first time that I had seen genuine emotion in all of this.
"Because I love you and I love our life that we were building. I messed up, baby and I want to fix it. Please? I'll do anything."
"Anything?"
"Yes."
She was on her knees now, beside the bed, the blanket bunched up in her fists. It was like she needed to squeeze something to get her head straight. The tighter she squeezed her fists the more she seemed to be calm.
"What I need is for you to bring down his crib."
"Baby, please...anything else?"
"Stop calling me that, I'm not your baby. Shit, I'm barely your friend right now. So can you please, bring MY son's stuff down here."
"YOUR son?"
"Yes."
"Don't do that, Ana. No matter how much we fight don't yo-yo our kids. Please?" She reached out and linked her pinky in mine. "I'm still figuring myself out and we are not in a good place but I never want that to change who we are to our now and future kids."
I took a deep breath and nodded, knowing that she was right. My son was not a pawn and I needed to remember that.
"You're right. I won't do that anymore. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too...for everything."
"I know, B. I just need some time before we can be an us."
"Okay."
Our truce lasted one day.
Saturday morning, Britt was supposed to be driving us to the hospital for a checkup on my stitches and hopefully to pick up Isaac. For the last week, I had been confined to the bed, so I've had to exist on video chats with him through Britt's phone. All I wanted was to hold him in my arms and bury my nose in his hair. I had woke up, gotten dressed and tried to be in the best mood possible but Britt was walking around anxious.
My appointment was a twenty minute drive on a good day and since I hadn't been out of the house in days, I had tried to get Britt to leave sooner but she fucking insisted that we had time.
Only we didn't have time because she took a left when I told her to take a right and now we were stuck in rush hour traffic in Manhattan and would be late to my appointment so she was pissed.
She was cursing at other drivers and banging on the steering wheel in a rage.
"Britt, you need to calm down. We will get there, no need for the rage."
"I just don't get it! Why is there traffic at this hour?"
"Honey, it's New York there's always traffic. We aren't in Lima anymore." I said as I thought of the wizard of oz. I had spent a lot of time watching movies lately. I was brought abruptly from my thoughts when she snapped at me.
"I know where the fuck we are, Santana!"
My head snapped to the side towards her...this side of Britt hadn't come out in a while and it shocked me.
"Whoa! Bring it back! Are you yelling and cursing at me, Brittany?" I had my eyebrow cocked and my arms crossed over my chest.
"I-I'm sorry." she mumbled out and then hit the horn, or rather punched it.
"Don't beat up the car please, I know I can afford it but it wasn't cheap. The horn works even when you don't punch it."
"Would you stop fucking telling me what to do!" she yelled at me with anger all over her face.
"That's not what I'm doing."
"And then you tell me what you can afford? I know you're rich you don't have to throw it in my face!"
"Okay, you know what? That's it! I tried to be nice."
"Huh?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Britt? This can't just be the traffic."
I was trying to stay calm but my patience was quickly wearing thin. I placed a hand on her thigh and she flinched away and released a sigh and looked over at me.
"Who's Ari?" Crap, is that what this was about? Why hadn't I told her?
"My childhood best friend from before I met Q. She is starting at NYU."
"You mean your first crush...that Ari?"
"Yes. She saw me at the funeral and then she came to mom's to see me afterwards."
"Did you sleep with her?"
"What? No. We hadn't seen each other in three years, we just talked. I missed her."
"So you are seeing her tomorrow."
"Yea, it just church and lunch. No big deal."
"Really? then why didn't you tell me about it?"
"Because it just slipped my mind."
"Convenient."
"How did you find out?"
I watched as she bit her lip and looked out onto the road again, we still hadn't moved. I was beyond upset because I knew the answer to my question but I wanted her to admit to me what she had done. I hadn't raised my voice this whole time and was proud of myself for it. I hadn't deflected and I had been completely honest. So now, I sat quietly and waited for her to answer me. My hand remained on her thigh gripping it lightly, like we were just talking about shoes, I sighed and then I rubbed her leg trying to encourage her to be honest back with me. It was about trust.
"I went through your phone...through your messages, your calls and your pictures...through everything." she finally whispered. I nodded and turned my face from her so she couldn't see the disappointment in my eyes. It hurt to hear it but I wasn't going to freak out about it at least not at that moment.
We finally pulled into a parking spot a full twenty minutes later. Me feeling like I could explode and Britt acting like a dog with its back against a wall.
I had called ahead to let the doctor know we were going to be late and heard Britt grumble but now that we were there and she was waiting for us, I didn't care. I hated her when she acted like this...it was like I was dating myself, but a much more jealous and bitter version.
B grabbed Isaac's car seat and then opened my door and helped me out of the car. I stepped down and felt the soreness in my back. I hadn't really been on my feet and when I did I was still insanely sore. I knew for a fact that this was it for me, my body couldn't handle being pregnant and I wasn't going to force it to be ever again.
I slid my hand into Britt's and let her lead me onto the elevator. The moment that we stepped off onto the main floor she insisted that I sit in a wheelchair because I was walking funny...so I ended up holding the car seat on my lap while being rolled down the hall to my appointment. I felt ridiculous but at least I got out of walking next to her and pretending that I felt like holding her hand.
I was upset with her and she was the last person that I wanted near me but I needed to suck it up, for Isaac.
"So tell me about the pain that you've been having, Santana?"
"It's my lower back. It's just kind of sore and I feel pressure when I stand."
"How is your upper back?"
"Not as painful as the lower."
"How long have you had the implants?"
"Three years."
"What size were you before the surgery?"
"Barely a B and now I'm a DD."
"I see, at the height of your pregnancy with Isaac what was your weight?"
"119, I think. The most I ever weighed."
"Well seeing that the baby is developing properly and the bleeding has stopped. I think that it may just be an adjustment for your body and can be a side effect to the bed rest."
"So it's normal?"
"Yes."
"I have been trying to do everything by the book including getting my weight up it's just hard. I have never been insanely good at taking care of myself."
"Well if you keep doing what you're doing Santana, things will be just fine. You came in at 118 today. So let's keep you eating the way you that have been but let's get you back to walking again at least once a day. Nothing too strenuous."
"I'm worried about that, the last time I tried doing that while pregnant I had Isaac early. Am I going to be okay to do that this time?"
"You should be fine. Your body just needs to adjust to being healthy, drug free and surprisingly to being pregnant."
"Bring pregnant? That's surprising...I mean I was literally just pregnant a few months ago."
"Each pregnancy is different and your body didn't get treated properly the last time with all the drug use. So let's get you in shape but I mean walking to the end of the block and back not a marathon."
"Ok."
"I want to see you in here in two weeks. By then you should have hit 125 which is a healthy weight for your height and age."
"Does that mean no more bed-rest?"
"Well, you are still high risk. So, let's do modified a bed rest. I want you off your feet 16 hours and in motion for 8 hours. If at any point you feel pressure in your legs sit down and elevate your feet."
"So when I'm in motion I can do whatever I want?"
"No, not quite, no extreme exercise, 10 minute showers, no lifting heavy things, and no intercourse. Okay?" I looked over and saw Britt's face redden. I was fine with no sex, in fact I wasn't planning on that anytime soon but I'm sure that she was.
"Okay, that sounds good. So I can get up out of this wheelchair then?"
"I insist that you get out of that wheelchair, my caution is that you try and keep someone near you when you are moving about just in case and I would hold off on walking around holding Isaac just for a little while longer...at least until you see me again first."
"Ugh...that sucks."
"It is safest for him and you until the pain becomes manageable."
"I know, I know...it still sucks though."
Britt cleared her throat, annoying, and looked towards me as she spoke to the doctor.
"She is going to church tomorrow and then out to lunch...is she okay to do all that by herself?"
"Yes. Just be mindful Santana of how much you are on your feet. Will you be with someone that you trust?"
"Yes, absolutely and I was planning on driving there."
"Driving in Lima is much different than the city, it's stressful and can be potentially dangerous if you are doing it alone...so maybe have Brittany drop you off and pick you up."
Britt smiled in triumph but I didn't really care. I shrugged and just nodded.
"That's fine doc, no big deal."
Britt could scheme and obsess about this all she wanted, I was just so happy that the back pain didn't signify any bad things for me or the baby and that I could walk around a bit. I was also excited that I would be able to make it to church with a good friend and not have to worry about standing her up. Britt had nothing to worry about I wasn't her, I could control myself!
The highlight of my day other than being taken off of strict bed rest was picking up my son from the hospital. I mean sure I wouldn't be able to pick him up and walk around with him but I could have him home with me and that was amazing.
When we walked into the NICU and Isaac saw me his face lit up as I stood there over him. His cheeks were rosy and his eyes were sparkling. I closed my eyes and laid a hand on his chest, saying a quick prayer and smiling to myself when I couldn't feel any straining in his lungs. He was definitely doing much better.
I looked down at him and smiled. He was babbling to me and it made me laugh. I leaned in and peppered his face with kisses as he clung to my hair. I pulled back a little and rested my head lightly on his chest to listen to his lungs up close. No congestion.
I stood back up and took my hair from his fist before rubbing his chest.
"Look at that Isaac...you feel better papa?"
As I was talking to my smiling son, his doctor came over to us and lingered. I knew he wanted to say something but I just wanted to look at my son.
"Mrs. Lopez?" I nodded without taking my eyes from Isaac.
"Yes, Doctor?" I said as I rearranged Isaac's blanket around him.
"Can I talk to you before he is discharged, it's important?" I could tell from the sound of his tone that he was really concerned and that quickly got my attention. I finally looked up at him and could see that my suspicion was right. He was a handsome Latin man, young and muscular I'm sure moms probably cream themselves over him everyday.
"What's your name?"
"Dr. Cabrera."
"Nice to meet you."
"Same."
"So tell me what's wrong?" he looked me in the eyes and then back towards Britt.
"I'm not certain why Isaac was taken on a plane but it was a very dangerous risk. I had specifically told your wife last week that he should not be flying." I raised my eyebrow and looked sideways at him.
"Did you really?" I said as tried to put a smile on my face. "I wasn't aware of that fact. I do not plan to have Isaac on any more planes anytime soon. Did it do a ton of damage? Was that the reason he picked up pneumonia so quickly?"
"The air pressure set back the progression of his lungs substantially, add to that the bacteria and particles in the air it was bound to happen. This was tame compared to what could have potentially happened. It was good that you brought him right in or he may have died from lack of oxygen."
"What?" my hand flew to my mouth as I stood there in shock, I could feel the bile in my throat as I tried to remain calm. I looked down at my baby boy and felt the tears come down immediately. "I had no idea. Is he going to be okay? Is the pneumonia completely gone? Is there anything he needs other than the treatments?" I was shooting out question after question trying to figure out what I could do to get my son back on track and even though I was rambling I knew that I made sense. I was so concerned and just wanted to throw Britt through the window.
"Whoa, Mrs. Lopez, take a breath. He's fine now. He just needs to stay on his medication schedule and you need to follow his action plan down to the letter. This makes all the difference in his quality of life."
"Okay. I'll do whatever needs to be done and so will my wife, right Brittany?" I knew that there was an edge in my voice but I didn't care.
"Right, sorry doctor." her voice was strained as she forced out an answer.
She knew what she had almost done and I knew she was feeling like shit about it and I didn't fucking feel sorry for her.
Britt's been pointing out when we are even in this marriage and now, we'd both nearly killed our son...that was a competition that I never wanted to participate in. Isaac should not suffer for Britt's lack of thought.
Truce over, marriage done...I needed space and I needed it now.