Chapter 10: Don't Let Me Down (Leona Lewis)
Dr. Cabrera could see the war brewing between me and Britt, but he had an oath to uphold. He looked me in the eye and said the last thing I wanted to hear.
"I'd like to keep him for one more day, he's pretty clear but he has one last dosage of this medicine and I'd like to make sure he is feeling his best before you take him."
"Whatever you think is best. Thank you for taking such good care of him." I said and he nodded.
"I'll leave you to be with him, visiting hours are over at 6."
"Thank you." Britt said before he left. He gave her a stern look before smiling at me.
"Were you flirting with him?" Britt said once he was gone.
"Give it a rest, B. Let's just focus on Isaac." I smiled at my son and he smiled back.
We spent the rest of our time, just sitting with Isaac and talking to him. Britt was great at putting aside her shit and I was giving an Oscar worthy performance at playing nice.
But once it was 6 and we'd gone most of the day just sitting here, barely acknowledging this big thing...I felt the need to run and so, I kissed my baby and promised to see him tomorrow, then before she could even catch up, I walked away.
At first she was calling out to me as I power walked to the elevator but then she caught up to me just as the doors were opening.
"I didn't know it would be that bad." Britt said and I ignored her.
I felt trapped and I needed a release.
Once we were on the bottom floor and began walking to the car, I saw my chance.
I checked my pockets for my wallet, keys, and phone.
Check, check, and check.
Then as Britt was getting in the driver seat and I went to open the passenger door, our eyes caught.
When I looked at her, I could see the outcome of our day.
We'd fight, things would be said that we couldn't take back and then our relationship would never be repaired.
She put down the passenger window as I stood there.
"Get in, baby. You shouldn't be on your feet for so long."
"I'm sorry, B." I said and then I turned around, walked out of the parking garage and down towards the street.
My knowledge of New York from that too long summer escorting was going to pay off.
I put my arm out and was in a cab moments later.
Britt was probably just getting out of the garage and wouldn't know which cab to choose from.
My phone buzzed and I looked down at a call from Britt but I declined it, instead I made the one call that I needed to make.
"Santi?"
"I need a meeting."
"Okay, where do you want me to meet you?"
"No. You don't understand, by the time you get to me, it could be too late. I need it right this second and I'm on my way to TriBeCa. I had to get away from her."
"The penthouse?"
"Yes."
"Okay, where are you now?"
"A cab."
"Come to the diner instead, I'll take you myself."
"Okay."
"And Santi?"
"Hmm."
"Don't you fucking make any other stops."
"Okay."
"Promise me."
"I...I promise."
When I got to the diner, it wasn't Carmen waiting for me but Nico. He had that look of concern that he used to get when I would show up at the backdoor of the diner, covered in cuts and bruises higher than God. He paid the cab driver and then helped me out of the car.
"Hey, Nico."
"My love, what's wrong?"
"It's all wrong, Nico. I can't do this anymore." I said and then he opened his arms and I collapsed into them. My tears were coming way too quickly for my tastes.
"Do I need to have another talk with Brittany?"
"We broke up."
"And your first thought is to go to the penthouse?"
"I know I said you could use it but I just need...you know?"
"Well, I can't let you go there, you come with me and stay the night with Carmen."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes and she will take you to a meeting tonight, then you relax with us. Get a good meal in you and you'll be good as new tomorrow. How's that sound, my love?"
I nodded and let him lead me down the street to their brownstone. My phone kept buzzing but I continued to ignore it.
Once I saw Carmen, dancing around in the kitchen in just her underwear while she cooked, I felt a bit of heaviness leave me.
She took one look at me and gestured to the sink with her tongs.
"Wash your hands and start working on the salad."
Nico kissed the side of Carmen's face and then rubbed her big belly, before excusing himself.
I was about to say something to Carmen but she just held up her hand.
"Wash your hands, do the salad and then after we eat, we can talk."
Once I was done with the salad, Carmen sent me to set the table and then she had me help to serve.
By the time we were all sitting together, I felt some sense of normalcy. It felt like a simpler time, back before I even knew who Ian was and I was still holding out hope for me and Britt.
I was scared and beaten down but my fire hadn't gone out.
Now though, I was feeling unhinged and that didn't sit right with me.
The only great thing that had happened since that time, was Isaac and now this little nugget.
And my sobriety, although I was just barely hanging onto that.
Nico finally got me to breakdown everything that had happened since finding out about Ian and he seemed to be really annoyed with Britt. Even though I was annoyed with her too, I felt the need to defend her to him but he put up his hand and insisted there was no need. I knew though that if he got the chance, he'd be talking to her one-on-one.
My phone buzzed again while Carmen and Nico talked to me about plans to move to Jersey and let someone else manage the diner.
I was fidgeting and rubbing my palms together as I tried to keep my face neutral.
"Okay, Papi I need to get her to a meeting. She's practically crawling out of her skin." Carmen said as she stood up from the table.
"I'll take you." Nico said.
"Don't stop eating because of me, I'm fine, I swear."
I knew my tell and from the look of it so did they.
Shit, was I always that transparent?
No wonder Marco always knew when to beat my ass and when to back off.
"Don't lie to me, my love. You are both carrying life and I just want to make sure you two are safe out there."
"I have my piece, Papi." Carmen said and I looked at her in shock, from all that I knew, she hated guns...just like Ian.
And then I was thinking about Ian and tears clogged my throat as I broke.
"Fuck...fuck...fuck!" I said as I buried my face in my hands.
"You know baby, I don't think she needs a meeting. I think she needs a break from it all. Is that it, my love?"
Nico pulled my hands from my face and was knelt in front of me, looking very much like my father in that moment. I was biting my lips and weeping as he looked at me and then I just nodded. He smirked.
"Okay, come, I'll take care of you."
I looked over at Carmen and she just nodded.
"Go, I'll clean up."
I followed Nico to the bathroom and stood there awkwardly as he filled the tub, added bubbles, and then lit some candles. He dimmed the lights and then kissed my forehead. For a moment, I thought he was going to get in with me but he just looked in my eyes for a moment before turning his back.
"Get in and let me know when you're settled."
Slowly, I undressed and tossed my clothes to the side. My body felt so achy as I eased into the tub and groaned when I felt the heat settle my muscles.
"Done." I croaked.
He turned around and then came over to the side of the tub.
"Now, I want you to just let your brain shut off, do you want a book or music?"
"Music."
"Okay, my love. Just relax and have a talk with God. That's always worked for you, right?"
"Yeah."
"So let this be your meeting. Talk to Ian, talk to your father and whoever else you need to talk to. I'll be back to help you out in a while."
He turned on a speaker really low and then left me there, soaking.
As I sat there, I rested my head back and let the tears flow as I took a look inside myself. I had let so much get in my way. How many people had told me in way or another to start putting myself first?
Marco.
Ian.
Mami.
Sandra.
Quinn.
Rachel. Fucking bitch.
Francis.
Nico.
Carmen.
and even Ari.
Not once had I really done it.
I needed a reset. Tomorrow, I would need to be there to pick up Isaac and I would have to face my wife, I needed to be much stronger than I had been today.
Ending things had been the best thing for us, I didn't regret it.
This was a chance for us to maybe just be really good friends and maybe pick things back up when we were stronger individually. She needed to play and get shit out of her system and I just needed my sanity. I needed to be sober and a better parent than I had.
By the time there was a knock on the door, I felt stronger and ready to deal with the world.
I could do this.
I could be better.
With or without Brittany.
I'd always love her most.
I would always want her to be mine.
But not like this.
Not now.
There was something seriously broken between us and the way we were going wasn't going to fix anything.
I had to go back to my resolution to just be friends with her, be co-parents with her, just like I had decided back in May when we came here alone.
My gut had led me to that decision and the first time she showed me a little sweetness I lost my resolve.
That was shit that I couldn't let stand.
Not anymore.
By the time that Nico came back, with Carmen hot on his heels I felt much calmer and more clear headed.
Coming here had been the right decision and what I needed. From now on, I needed to make sure that I did this kind of thing more, because stepping away to reassess what is going on and how it has the potential to tear down my sobriety and everything that I had worked so hard for had me thinking different.
Nico helped me out of the tub and then wrapped me in the fluffiest robe and kissed my forehead.
"I have to head to work, come by for breakfast so that I know you're okay." I nodded and then he turned to Carmen and leaned into her ear. He seemed to be whispering harshly and she nodded as her cheeks flushed. "Go easy on her, baby." He said to her and then he left us alone.
Carmen smiled at me as she tilted her head towards her room.
"Come on, my love, I have clothes laid out for you." She was sweet and it was unnerving because this tone wasn't one I had heard before.
The moment that door closed behind Nico she turned on me and I could see that all the sweetness was gone.
"You didn't come straight here, did you?" She asked me, her eyes burning flames as she looked at me.
And I knew immediately that she had gone through my clothes while I was in the bath.
"No."
She dangled a baggie in my face and I looked away.
"Did you use?"
"No...I called you instead."
"How did you get to this point, Santana?" Her use of my full name and the strain in her voice, told me she was trying not to cry.
"Britt almost killed Isaac...I felt...I dunno."
She reached her hand under my robe and touched my little bump, rubbing gently.
"So you decided that to retaliate you'd kill this baby?"
"Not just...fuck...I just...I wanted to be gone, C. I wanted to be lost in oblivion, with Ian and Papi...and my first baby."
She still held the baggie as she stared daggers.
"What changed?"
"Britt...I knew that if I left my son here, without me she'd drag him all over the world on tours fucking around and he'd be missing a Mami that he never knew. He needs me, I can't leave my son...I don't want that to be my legacy. By the time I called you, I had already spotted one of the old guys and got that but then I just...I needed to try another way."
"Is this all you bought?"
"Yeah...in rehab...they told us to limit the amount of money we carried. I gave him everything in my wallet just for that."
"How do you know this would have been enough to kill you?"
"It's a concentrated speedball, I was gonna take it all and go to the penthouse, find what is there and take that. I've hidden things."
"Well Nico is getting the locks changed tonight. I know you own it but he paid to rent it and you need to stay away from there."
"I know."
"Are you okay now?"
"I think so."
"Santi, I'm scared for you babe. Tell me that you won't just leave here and buy more."
"I won't. It was a moment of temporary insanity. I called you, C...when I could have just ended it, I called you. That's progress."
"Yeah, I know."
"Are you mad at me?"
"No. We are both addicts and I knew that you were carrying, I just had a feeling when you came into that kitchen looking so nervous, then at dinner, I knew...I didn't want to believe it. You already seen what happens when you use when pregnant, you know the guilt of having a sick baby. I didn't want to believe you'd do that again. You were going to kill yourself though, that's not you."
"I know."
"Tonight, we rest...I'm not taking my eyes off you for a second, tomorrow we will have breakfast with Nico and then we are going to a meeting."
"I have plans."
"Adjust them."
"But it's with Ari."
"Does she know you're an addict?"
"I told her."
"Then you have her meet us for breakfast, then we will all go to a meeting and you are going to get up and speak."
"I've never-"
"I know and I think it will do you some good to talk to people like us."
"Okay."
"Promise me, you won't go out in the middle of the night."
"I promise. Thank you C."
"For what?"
"I dunno, not treating me like I'm broken."
"You're not broken, Santi, you're hurting. You're wounded but you're not broken."
She pulled me into a tight hug and I allowed myself to release the guilt of what I had almost done. That couldn't be my life anymore.
I had to live for as long as God would allow and not a moment less.
"Okay."
"God's time, not yours...say it."
"God's time, not mine."
"Good, now call your sister. She's called you a bunch of times and put her on speaker."
Sure enough, when I looked down at my phone, I could see that Britt, Q, Mami and Sandra had all called at least a dozen times.
I hated that I made them worry about me but in that moment, I hadn't cared.
All I wanted was to not exist anymore.
Now though, I could see that it would solve nothing if I was gone.
I had to live and fight.
"Santana!" Sandra said into the phone after the first ring.
"Hi, sis, I'm okay and I'm sober."
"Oh thank God!"
"I'm sorry that I worried you, I just needed to escape in that moment. You've probably checked my accounts, nothing should be missing."
"Did you buy?"
"I did but I didn't use and I don't plan on it. I'm with my sponsor. Please don't tell anyone where I am, Britt will come for me and I'm not ready to face her."
"Okay."
"Okay, just like that?"
"Just like that. You called me. You were honest, even though you know I hold the financial reins and can cut you off, you didn't lie. I'm proud of you."
"Thanks, Sandra."
"You'll be here for Sunday dinner, tomorrow and then I think it would be best for all of us, if you bring Isaac here for a little while."
"I think you're right."
"Good, Britt told me you have modified bed rest for two weeks, that seems like a good enough time for you to get your head together. Don't you think?"
"Yes."
"Great, I'm glad we agree. I'll let Britt know that I talked to you and you're safe. She wants to pick up Isaac tomorrow afternoon, you'll be there, right?"
"Yes, after my meeting, I'll go straight there with no detours."
"Good girl. Rest and relax, I'll see you tomorrow."
"I love you, Sandra, so damn much."
"I love you too. Cuidate."
After ending the call with Sandra, I decided to bypass the texts and calls from Q and B, almost completely sure they were together and I wasn't ready for that can of worms, I decided to message Ari before I bailed on her.
Hey, Ari, What are you doing?-Ana
Just finished setting up my dorm room, you?-Ari
About to go bed, wanted to check in with you. Still on for tomorrow?-Ana
Yup, where to?-Ari
Dropping a pin, meet me at the diner at 9am then we can go over to church for 10am mass-Ana
Perfect, you okay?-Ari
Yeah, just wishing that we connected sooner-Ana
Past is gone, gotta live for now.-Ari
You're right, hasta manana.-Ana
Sweet dreams-Ari
When I looked over at Carmen, she was texting with the baggie dangling from her fingers. It made me cringe to see it and then my stomach was rumbling and I had to sprint to make it back to the toilet in time. My stomach turned itself inside out and I sounded like a raptor as I began to dry heave.
Carmen held my hair and placed a cool rag on my neck. I took a few deep breaths and then as I stood she handed the baggie to me.
"Might as well dump this before we flush."
I didn't even hesitate, this wasn't Lima days where this would have sent me into a panic attack. I cracked the bag open, dumped it and then rinsed it out before throwing it in the trash. I flushed without a second thought and then moved over to the sink to rinse out my mouth.
Carmen handed me a fresh toothbrush and then leaned against the back wall watching me.
"You and I are going to work on some different coping mechanisms and I think that you and Brittany need a break. I know you broke up and you have a kid together but this isn't healthy. I know you have a million excuses about how it's all her but Santi, it can't be all one person. You two have had a crazy year and you got married way too fast."
I spit out the toothpaste and then turned back to her.
"What do you suggest?"
"I agree with your sister, you should stay with her until you get things sorted. You are in no headspace to be on your own."
"How can you say that? I lived on my own in Lima, I was fine."
"Were you though? Even when you were sober, you've told me about your loneliness. Maybe you stay there for a week or at least until you feel like you won't try to score the next time that Britt pisses you off. You are grieving still and you're pregnant which means you are being irrational and emotional about everything. It's normal but add to that Ian's death and Brittany being obviously poly and not monogamous...it's going to make you go over a cliff. I'm cool being your sponsor but I'm having a baby in three months, that means there will be times that I can't do this. In those times, you'll need your village. I am mad proud that you were honest with your sister. You are creating a network of accountability...keep it that way."
"Okay and what about B?"
"Let her go, Santi. At least for now, Isaac is young enough not to remember if she's absent for a bit. Now is the time for her to figure shit out because if she doesn't, you'll have a son who is stuck in the middle and heartbroken."
"I don't want that."
"Then you know what you need to do."
"Yeah, I know."
"When you pick up Isaac, you should go to your sisters, leave him with her while you have a private talk with Brittany. Be honest with her, trust her because this plane thing was obviously a reckless mistake. She loves him and I guarantee you that she's beating herself up plenty, she doesn't need you to bully her too. You have done worse and I know, all sin is equal before God but before man, what she did pales in comparison. She leaves him with you still even though she has the power to take him from you, she doesn't try to. I know you're angry but maybe try to see it from her side."
"And if I can't?"
"If you can't, then you shouldn't be with her at all."
The very thought of being without B, forever made my heart hurt.
We got to the diner a little before 9, so that Nico could see for himself that I was okay.
"I changed the locks and the code to get up to the penthouse. There is way too much temptation there for you, okay, my love?"
"Okay, Nico. Thank you."
"Did you two sort things out?"
"Yes, my friend is gonna meet me here and then after breakfast we will go to a meeting."
"Bueno! Breakfast on me, then."
"Thanks, Nico."
"You just keep being honest, be Nico's girl not Marco's."
I rolled my eyes.
"Just because you aren't forcing me to do drugs, doesn't mean you're not still selling them." I teased and he shrugged.
"I'm almost out the business, just gotta tie up some loose ends. When I do, we are clearing the place out before you get the keys back. Got it?"
"Got it."
"Good, now go order a big ol' breakfast, make my guys work."
"I love you, Nico and you too C." I said to them both and then kissed Carmen's cheek, then Nico's.
"I'm gonna be at the next booth from you two, I need to get some work done. When you're finished breakfast, we'll head out." Carmen said.
She was amazing like that, hovering but not controlling and I appreciated that bit of trust.
Even if it was a very small amount.
Breakfast with Ari was like old times. We laughed and joked together. There was no tension over Ian or Brittany, it just felt good.
This feeling of pure friendship is what was missing with B and I knew that our marriage could never work if we were barely friends.
Around the time we finished eating, I got a call from Britt and instead of ignoring it, I answered.
"Hey, B."
"Hi! Oh wow, hi...I wasn't expecting you to answer."
"Well, I did. Is this about Isaac?"
"Yup, he's going to be ready for discharge at 1pm. Can I pick you up?"
"No, I can meet you there. I still need time."
"Okay, that's what Sandra said. I just wanted to make sure."
"Thanks for checking in."
"Thanks for answering. I'll see you later." Her voice sounded tight, like she wanted to cry and I hated to hear it.
"B?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sober."
She let out a rush of air and sighed.
"Good. Ana?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too. I gotta go, okay?"
"Yeah, okay."
She ended the call and I wiped at my eyes.
"Hey, you okay?" Ari asked.
"I'm good. My sponsor back there behind us is coming to church with us. Cool?"
"The more, the merrier."
The three of us walked down to a beautiful cathedral two blocks from the diner and made it just in time for mass. Ari took my hand and I got a side eye from Carmen but she didn't say anything more. All through mass, I kept catching Carmen staring when she should have been praying and I knew that she was on high alert after last night and maybe she should be.
Who knows an addict, better than another addict?
No one.
But I was going to stay clean for my kids.
That was a definite, I wouldn't make the same mistakes with this baby that I did with Isaac. God's plan before mine and these kids were of God.
I had to do better and be better, that started with honesty.
Last night, I was dead set on getting out of speaking in front of the meeting but twenty minutes later when we walked in and they asked if anyone wanted to speak, my hand went up.
Ari looked at me with so much pride, that I wanted to hug her.
There was no judgment there, just pure fucking love.
I would never go there with her, this life time isn't for us but man, did God send me a bit of hope just when I needed it.
Carmen and Ari were everything that I kept trying to get out of B. Together, they were my 20...not Q, but them and it was now my hope, that having them would help me appreciate the 80 that I had with Brittany.
But I wasn't going to carry the relationship on my shoulders. I am not Atlas, I am Santana fucking Lopez and I deserve love.
So I will do my best and be my best for my kids but also for me.
Maybe that's what Britt needs, she needs to see the Santana that she fell in love with and not this sniveling, lying addict.
I had to be selfish but like, selfless too.
That was the lesson here.
But you know that saying about good intentions?
Yeah, story of my life.
When I walked into the NICU, Dr. Cabrera was checking Isaac's vitals.
It was still early, so I wasn't surprised that Britt hadn't arrived yet.
"How is he today?" I asked.
"He has greatly improved. I have all his papers ready for discharge, one of the nurses is going to give him a sponge bath in few minutes."
"Great, I'm going to call my wife and make sure she's on her way with the car seat."
"And no planes, right?"
"No planes."
"Good. I was serious yesterday. You saved his life by bringing him straight in."
"Thanks. Doc."
As he left, in walked Britt looking all done up.
She smiled at me just like my old Britt but then she and the doctor had a stare down and her demeanor shifted.
Great.
"I brought him a change of clothes, is he ready?" She asked and I nodded.
"He's about to get a sponge bath oh and don't forget we are having Sunday dinner at Sandra's and she invited me to stay there for a bit."
"Yeah, I know."
"Cool."
She looked me up and down, her eyes lingering on the fact that I was very clearly wearing clothes that weren't mine. I could see a flash of jealousy in her eyes and the flare of her nostrils showed me some anger. There was no way she was taking her medicine but I wouldn't push. Not now.
I just wanted to get back to Sandra's in one piece.
"We need to talk." She said but I shook my head.
"Later, our stuff can wait."
"Can it?"
"It can." I said, daring her to challenge me again but she didn't.
Thankfully.
Isaac was in good spirits as I carried him in my arms on the way out of the hospital. Britt hovered next to me, knowing but not saying that I was explicitly not supposed to be carrying him.
And it was dumb of me but I was feeling relaxed, pain free and like five minutes of carrying him wasn't the end of the world.
She drew the line once we were at the car though.
"I'll strap him in, you get in the car, relax your back."
"Fine." I handed him over but I did not get in the car.
I hovered behind her as Britt strapped Isaac into his car seat. The only reason that I even allowed her to do that was because I couldn't do it myself. I didn't even want her near him at the moment. She is so lucky that Ian wasn't around to know how she had put Isaac's life in jeopardy so that she could go chasing her mistress around California.
She climbed in the front seat of the car and then saw that I was still leaning into the back seat checking in on Isaac.
"Are you going to get in the car this time?" she asked sounding exhausted.
I looked at her and could feel my anger boiling the blood in my veins. I didn't say a word as I climbed into the backseat and shut the door. I needed to be with my son...I didn't want to take my eyes off of him for a second.
Britt sat there in the front seat and drove quietly. I didn't say a word to her as I watched my son sleep. His breathing was still fine. I just hated that he even got to a point where his breathing was a major issue again. My fault...Britt's fault. She was supposed to protect him and she had failed horribly, add to that, when he got sick she was off fucking Frankie instead of being there for him.
She had turned on the radio and began to dance and sing along to some Britney Spears song and while I'm sure she was thinking about the tour, I thought of the glee club, back when things were much more simple between us.
I just didn't understand how she could put Isaac's life in jeopardy like that. I was able to forgive the cheating and the lying, I could even swallow her fucking Rachel but this was so unfathomable to me.
She knew how hard I fought to stay clean for him and how hard I was working to be a good mom to him and shit, a good wife to her.
I looked down at my son, our son and couldn't imagine ever doing that to him. Ian would have killed Britt and at that moment I was wishing that he was around to do just that.
How had we gotten to this point in our relationship?
Was I ever going to be able to trust her again?
Did I want to even have a relationship with someone who was so reckless?
Why was I the only one committed to fighting for us?
At this point I was just surviving the marriage and that's no way to live especially at nineteen years old.
When we got to Sandra's house, B helped me out of the car and then came around to grab the baby who was still sound asleep. Normally I would have just walked inside the house while she got him but I suddenly didn't feel confident leaving her alone with him anymore. So instead of walking away, I stood by the car door and just waited for her to get him.
When she turned around with him cradled in her arms and saw me standing there she frowned.
"Why are you waiting? You could have just gone inside." I didn't say anything, I just shook my head and walked next to her as she headed towards the door to the kitchen.
I knew that I was being paranoid as I followed closely behind her but I just couldn't take any chances. I trusted Britt a lot less than I trusted Marco at the moment.
My back was starting to ache, probably from overdoing it with carrying Isaac but I couldn't let it show.
She'd never let me live it down if she was right about me ignoring doctor's orders.
My fault.
Quinn sat at the table cuddled up with my sister Celia. I did a double take and felt a smile break across my face. I cleared my throat just to be obnoxious and they jumped away from each other like they had been caught.
"Hey Ceily...what are you doing here, I thought you were in Chicago?"
"I have a showing at a gallery in Brooklyn that I've been thinking of buying. I didn't really feel like staying at a hotel when I had family so close by. I stopped at your house but you weren't there. Q told me that you'd probably be here for dinner, so I came up and here you are."
"Cool, I'm happy to see you."
"How are you feeling baby sis?"
"Better." I said as I walked over to her. She stood up to give me a hug and I immediately leaned into her. I hadn't really spent time with her in Lima and regretted it because next to Sandra she is my closest sister.
"Staying clean?" She asked me, point blank. Q was looking at me hard, waiting for an answer. I knew Q wanted to hit me with all of the questions after I disappeared yesterday but she was holding back, thankfully. She'd had my sister be the interrogator this time around and I respected it. I needed my village, even if they wanted to flay me for going awol.
"Yup."
"Good to hear."
"I'm glad you're here, sis. Where is Sandra? Is it just you two?"
"Yeah. Johnny's mom called, something about something, so San and Johnny headed up to Albany but they should be on their way back."
"Awesome cuz a sista is hungry." I joked and only Celia smiled.
Tough room.
I turned to see where my wife had gone and saw that Britt was walking towards the stairs with Isaac.
I panicked.
"B...why don't you um...wait up a sec okay? I'll come with you." she turned to me and then just stood there looking at me in disbelief. I was about to turn back towards my sister when I saw her roll her eyes at me and turn back around. "You know what...on second thought, Q do you think you could take Isaac for a little...Britt and I need to talk."
"Wait, so you trust her to take him...over me? She gave her own baby away to a stranger and you don't trust me? Don't be like this Santana!"
"Like what?"
"Don't act like I'm the one that shouldn't be trusted with him!" She growled.
For just a moment I was rendered speechless but then she moved towards the stairs, thinking she'd won.
"So you want to fucking do this right here? Right now? Fine! I was trying to spare you Brittany!"
"Spare me from what?!"
"You don't think my family and Q are going to be on your ass after they find out?"
"Look, I'm sorry, okay. I didn't think it was that big of fucking a deal! I thought they were just being over protective."
"Bullshit! Of course it was a big deal, Brittany."
"He's fine now, Santana."
"Isaac could have died! He could have fucking died! The doctor told you that he couldn't fly and you still brought him all the fucking way to Lima, Ohio so you could leave and go fuck Frankie and Rachel! Are you fucking crazy?"
"That's mean."
"So is you insulting Q when I asked for her help. You know what else is mean, putting your child's life in fucking jeopardy and then lying to me about it! Or how about fucking Rachel in our bed or leaving a grieving pregnant woman to go fuck someone else? You don't think that's mean?" I screeched.
"I apologized! Doesn't that mean something?" her eyes were bulging and I could see that she was squeezing the baby a little too tightly for my liking. He was awake now and beginning to whimper because he was probably in pain. Q had noticed too because she was standing by Britt in a flash with her arms out.
"Let me take him B so that you and San can go talk this out." Q said cautiously.
"NO! He's safe with me!"
"You're hurting him B." Quinn sounded desperate now.
"Give him to Quinn, please, Brittany!" Celia said from just behind Q.
"Britt you're hurting him." I was frantic. Every time I stepped closer she climbed a step, until I just stopped and stood there four steps down looking up at her and Q on the steps.
"Didn't I tell you yesterday to stop fucking telling me what to do?"
Isaac flinched and began to cry. This time she didn't hesitate, Quinn grabbed Isaac from Britt almost having to yank him from her iron grip. She almost went tumbling when Britt came barreling down the steps towards me but luckily, Celia was there to steady her. I backed down the stairs as she came towards me, charging like a fucking bull. I took a step back and she kept moving forward until there was no space left between us.
"He's my son too!" she whispered intensely trying to calm down her anger. "I'm his mom too."
I know that I should have stopped there but it's just not in my nature to back down, not anymore. I pointed a finger straight at her chest and looked her straight in the eye.
"Yea? Then why don't you fucking act like it! You want to be a shitty wife I can deal with it but you don't get to put Isaac's life in danger! He has been through enough!" I said as calmly as I could.
She gripped my wrist and tore it away from her chest, holding my wrist tight even as I cried out. I was whimpering when she brought her face close to mine.
"Nothing that I do will ever be as bad as you snorting cocaine while you were pregnant with him, Santana! Nothing! So stop acting like you are the fucking perfect parent to him!"
I swear I never meant to flip...I never meant to snap but the moment she finished her sentence I pushed her backwards and yanked my hand to my chest. I looked up and watched as she caught herself before she fell on her ass and then jumped to her feet. I stepped back again, coming in contact with the wall as she came barging towards me again.
This was not us...not anymore but then when my body met the wall, I cried out, terrified of what was coming. She pressed against me, her face red as she stared into my face.
"Where were you last night?" She growled.
"Out."
"Did you get high again?"
"No."
"Don't lie to me!" She slammed her hand on the wall next to me and I let out a sob.
All I could think of was Marco beating me and how this wasn't what I deserved.
I thought of Papi beating my baby out of me and held my little bump, trying to appeal to Britt with my eyes but she was still all fire.
"I'm not lying."
"Bullshit!" She slammed her hand again and I began to sob.
This wasn't us.
My fault.
"What the hell is going on in my house!"
Sandra had walked in at the height of it all and thankfully Johnny was faster than Britt who for some reason forgot that I was pregnant. Johnny pushed himself in between us and was gripping Britt by the arms and pushing her backwards with her arms trapped to her sides. Celia stepped in front of me and was keeping me from launching at B but I wasn't going after her. My trauma kept me right against that wall as I watched Johnny try to calm her.
"Get the fuck off me, Johnny!" she yelled.
"No, you need to calm down first."
"She pushed me!"
"I know, I understand but she is pregnant Brittany...think about the baby!" he said as he pushed her down into a chair.
I watched her face as something clicked and Britt seemed to calm down as she nodded her head and looked over at me before dropping her head to her chest and taking deep breaths.
"Okay, does someone want to tell me what is going on here, what happened?" Sandra said as she stepped next to me with Little Johnny asleep in her arms.
"Britt almost killed Isaac." I muttered. Britt raised her head and looked straight at me with cold eyes.
"Fuck you, Santana!"
"No fuck you Brittany! You better thank the stars or whatever the fuck you believe in that he is alive right now." I said as I pulled away from Celia and walked towards her. "Just tell me how you could think it would be okay to disregard the doctor and do that? Why? I trusted you with him!"
"I thought it was just a suggestion. I didn't think-" she said trailing off and staring at the floor.
"And there we have it you don't think! Unless it has to do with breaking your marriage vows or shaking your ass you don't fucking think about anyone else!" I screamed at her.
She jumped to her feet again but Johnny blocked her way, thankfully. She was now standing on the other side of Johnny and gesturing towards me.
"I don't think? What about you? You got knocked up twice! You are a fucking anorexic junkie slut who can't help but fuck up her own life! You are a fuck up just like your dad always said! You will always be a fuck up! That's why I leave because I don't want your shit to rub off on me. You're nothing but a bitch!"
I stumbled backwards in shock. I was leaning against the wall, bent over as I absorbed what she said. I looked over at her and could see the shock on her face at her own words. I swallowed back my tears as I saw the regret on her face.
"Thanks for telling me how you really feel about me, B. Thank you! At least now I know what I really mean to you."
I stayed there with my arms wrapped around myself trying to calm my nerves. I could feel the tears on my face as I tried to figure out my next move.
She had crossed another fucking line. I don't think there were anymore to cross, this was the final straw.
Britt pushed past Johnny and walked over to me as I stood there shell shocked and heartbroken. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me against her chest. I didn't fight her but I didn't lean into her embrace either.
"I'm sorry babe, I didn't mean that. I don't know where that came from."
"Your heart." I said as I pulled away from her. I walked past my sisters and Quinn. I just needed to be alone. I made it to the bottom step, suddenly feeling the pain in my back and now my legs. I turned back and looked Quinn in the eyes.
"Q, can you please put him in the nursery. I need to go to bed, now. Okay?" I waited for a response and when Q nodded I walked up stairs.
"Ana...baby wait!" I could hear her on the steps behind me. She grabbed my hand from behind and I was thrown off balance and had to quickly grab the banister. She had nearly sent me tumbling down the stairs.
"Don't you ever fucking touch me again...do you understand me?" I said coldly. She looked at me and her jaw dropped open before slamming shut. She nodded at me and held her hands in front of her reaching for me. I turned back and rushed up the rest of the steps.
By the time I made it to my door I felt the bile in my throat, I realized that I hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was early evening now. This baby wasn't fucking around with me. I felt dizzy and had to grab the wall for support as I made my way to the bed.
I kicked off my sandals, crawled onto the bed without taking off a stitch of clothing and pulled the sheet up over me. I was feeling incredibly weary and just wanted to talk to Ian. I needed a friend...someone removed from the situation. I wanted to text Ari but I didn't want to burden her with my problems. Especially not this. I just felt so stuck.
So I did the smart thing.
Just had a blowout with B. You were right, we can't keep doing this-Santi
I didn't want to be right-Carmen
I know.-Santi
Cravings?-Carmen
No. Just tired-Santi
Are you safe?-Carmen
Yes, at my sisters, in bed-Santi
Good. Rest for now.-Carmen
Thnx for last night-Santi
Prove it-Carmen
:)-Santi
"San?" I heard the door creak open and burrowed deeper into the bed.
"I don't want to talk, Q!" I mumbled. "Please go."
"Then just listen!" she shut the door and then climbed into the bed behind me. She wrapped her arms around me as she spooned me and then rested her chin against my shoulder. I didn't mean to sigh out contentedly but when she snuggled up against me my body relaxed. It needed the comfort.
"I'm taking Britt home tonight and we are leaving you here. You need the time apart from each other. Something is really broken between you guys that's why you can't handle pressure every time something happens. I just thought I should let you know that I urged her to call the guy from the Madonna tour. I think that Sue had the right idea, when she encouraged her to go. Britt is just going to keep rebelling and keep snapping the longer she holds off her dream. You should encourage her too."
"I don't care anymore."
"Oh, just shut up! When it comes to Brittany you will always care, you will always fight...that's what the always and only you is about...it's what makes you two a OTP...good or bad you are meant to be."
"You heard what she said to me right?"
"That wasn't Brittany...you know that. She isn't herself. You saw how she reacted when she saw your hurt. She loves you."
"If she loved me then she would do everything to make sure that she was always herself. Those feelings had to come from somewhere! She really hurt me, Q."
"So you're done with her?"
"I don't know."
"Because you still love her."
"Fuck! Yes...okay."
"Then let her go, so you can both heal."
"Why are you always right?"
"Because I'm a genius...especially when it comes to you."
Sandra came up a bit later with Sunday dinner and a stack of papers.
"She left, it was best for everyone. Eat your food while I update you on that apartment building."
"You got it?"
"Eat." She said and I began to pick at my food but with her eyes on me, I made sure to clear at least half of my plate before saying another word.
"So?" I asked after I ate enough to satisfy her.
"We got it for half the asking price. There was asbestos in two units, thankfully not the one you were in. He was in foreclosure, so we got it at a steal."
"Awesome!"
"Yup. So I'm sending in contractors and we are going to renovate. Did you want me to get someone for St. Mary's?"
I nearly choked.
"You know about that house?"
She rolled her eyes.
"Of course I do, I also know about that penthouse." Her eyebrow raised as she leveled a knowing look at me.
"I don't have access to that penthouse. My sponsor's husband is renting it, he changed the locks."
"Okay, do you want to sell it at some point?"
"Maybe, for now I don't want to think about it."
"So yes to the contractors then?"
"Yes."
"Tell me about last night." She said as she moved my now empty plate to the nightstand so she could scoot closer to me.
"After finding out about Brittany ignoring the doctor, I flipped out. I bought a speedball with the intention of killing myself but then, something changed in me...I couldn't do that to Isaac or you or any of the girls...shit or my Mom. So I called my sponsor and stayed at her house. She took me to a meeting this morning before I went to the hospital. I'm okay for now."
"Suicide, Santana...after Ian?"
"I know, I know. Can you imagine how fucked up Isaac would be. Both his parents killing themselves, I can't do that to him. It's like my parental instinct clicked or something, like on steroids. I have to protect him and I can't do that if I'm not here."
Sandra was fighting tears as she pulled me into a tight hug.
"Fuck, I am so proud of you for getting help. I'm so proud of you for being honest and thinking first. I love you and I'm here no matter what."
"Thanks."
"I need you to know that means, I had to draw a line after today."
"What does that mean?"
"I told Brittany that she can't be here this week. You need time and so does she. She agreed and Quinn also agreed to take Isaac back and forth however much she can. I know that it's not my place but what happened earlier, cannot happen again."
"You're right, it can't."
"Good, I'm glad you agree. Get up, get a shower, and then lets do a movie. Okay?"
"Yeah."
I sat there dazed after Sandra left, my heart ached as I scrolled through my photo albums and looked at all the pictures of Britt with Isaac. I knew that she loved him, I knew that she was really upset about what she had done. I was really upset that she did it but I knew that if this was all because she was neglecting herself, neglecting her mental health...that I couldn't hold a grudge against her. Hadn't I just spent time in the hospital for the very same thing.
Like that song to Ian said, who am I to judge or explain, I couldn't judge Britt. IF and only if this is because she is off her meds again, then I was willing to work to forgive her.
Despite my misgivings, I suddenly had the urge to fix things, if Britt was going on tour I couldn't leave things like this. I didn't want to hold grudges against my wife, against my best friend.
Can we talk?-Ana
Y? U h8 me-B
I don't hate you.-Ana
I wnt 2 fix this.-B
Then you need to take your meds-Ana
You scared me today-Ana
I'm sorry-B
Prove it-Ana
I said echoing Carmen's words to me.
Okay-B