Chapter 11: Wake Up Alone (Amy Winehouse)
When I woke up on Monday morning and turned on my side, I was greeted by the biggest blue eyes staring back at me. At some point Sandra had gotten this swivel crib that attaches to the side of the bed, so that I could be closer to my reason.
My son.
"Hey there, Papa." I sang to him and he smiled so beautifully. His little ears were poking out and when he smiled all I saw was Ian. Tears were in my eyes but I couldn't stop smiling back. "You almost lost me yesterday and I promise you that unless God snatches me himself, I'm not leaving you again."
There was a knock at the door and I turned over to see Sandra standing there with Celia at her side.
"It's good to see you smiling." Celia said as she came further into the room. Sandra though was still standing in the door, just staring at us.
"Thanks. What brings you two in here this morning."
"Well, Sandra came to get Isaac since you can't pick him up and I came to see if you wanted to spend the day with me. I hear you can be moving around for 8 hours, I only need 4 maybe."
"Oh, well sure. I don't think we've done that, just you and me since I was 14."
"Exactly, so Sandra is going to take Isaac to Britt for the day and you and me are going to hang."
I felt anxious at the thought.
"With Britt, by herself?"
Sandra stood to her full height and nodded.
"I'm going to make sure she takes her medicine and I am going to have a talk with her."
"Sandra, no, you don't need to do that, I know how you get." I said and she shrugged.
"So do I and frankly, if I see her hurt you again I probably won't be able to control myself but I'm going to make an exception. That's why I'm taking Isaac, I know I won't hurt her if he's there."
"She's not Marco, Sandra. I know what you guys saw yesterday." I rubbed at my sore wrist as I looked at my sisters. "The person that said and did all that, is not Brittany. I know her like I know myself. Something is off, her meds may not be right for her or she's scared of something...I just don't want you to fuck her up on my behalf. Marco is a vindictive son of a bitch but Britt is not."
Sandra's nostrils flared but she just nodded.
"Maybe you're right, sis, being alone with her is probably a bad idea for me too but I already talked to her and she's excited to see Isaac."
"Then let me take him to her. I'll have Celia with me and I won't stay long."
"You had Celia here yesterday and it took my husband to tear her away from you."
"I know but-"
"No but, Santana, I'm really worried about this situation."
"So am I. It drove me to a really dark place. I want to trust her with him and I need to see that she's herself before I leave him with her."
"Fine."
Sandra insisted on driving down with Isaac and little Johnny separately, I didn't fight her on it. She was doing her best to have my back and I wasn't going to stand in her way. Right now, I was having a little trouble trusting myself so it made me feel better not to be alone.
"So, I'm gonna sit in the car with the boys while you go in there with Sandra. I'm small, I didn't really jump in yesterday because Brittany could probably hurt me...don't tell her I said that. I am still a badass."
I rolled my eyes. "Don't worry, your rep is safe with me."
"Good. So I'll send you in there with the soldier. Sandra will make sure that nothing bad goes down."
"I agree."
When we pulled up to the house, I froze. There sitting on the steps, next to Britt was Nico.
"Who's that?" Celia asked.
"My um...friend's husband."
I stepped out of the car and the moment that Nico saw me, he stood and opened his arms. I glanced back at my sister and then over at Britt before stepping into Nico's arms. When he pulled back he draped an arm over my shoulders and we began to walk away from the house towards the corner where the huge cathedral was.
A cathedral that I fell in love with but haven't been to since before Ian died.
It was where I normally went to meetings, ever since Carmen first brought me here.
Once we were far enough away from my sister and B, he held out his hand.
"Let me see your wrist."
"You know about that?"
"She told me, now show me."
I hadn't shown anyone what Britt had done to me yet, not even my sisters even though they'd seen it happen.
When my wrist was in his hand, Nico stroked his fingers over the purpling bruise.
"This is what Carmen was talking about. You can't be with her right now, I just spent the last hour talking to her to check in and she admitted everything that happened yesterday."
"She did?"
"When you remind a person that you know everything about them, including where their parents live...they change their tune pretty quickly."
"I share a baby with her Nico."
"And you plan to share another...a baby who will have a father that's pretty powerful even from behind bars. If she doesn't get her shit in check and then hurts you again, enough for that baby...his baby to be affected trust me, it won't be pretty."
I stepped away from him.
"You talked to Marco?"
"He checks in."
"I asked him to back off and he promised me he would."
"Have YOU heard from him?"
"No."
"Then he's backed off but there's no way he's not going to want to know what's going on with you when you're carrying HIS child."
"Are you going to tell him about this?"
"No."
"Thank God."
"On one condition."
"I should have known...what's your price?"
I felt coolness rolling through me as I walked away from Nico. He patted my shoulder and went his own way but his words were ringing in my head.
By the time I got to the house, Britt and Sandra were standing there having a very cold yet civil conversation.
When I looked at Britt, I could see that she'd been crying but she tried to smile at me.
I couldn't bring myself to return the gesture.
"We need to talk." I said and she looked at my sisters and then at me. "Alone." I said and Sandra shook her head.
"That's not a good idea, Santana."
"Fuck, good ideas. I need to talk to my wife alone."
Britt seemed worried as she nodded.
"How about we walk and your sisters can follow behind us?" Britt said more to my sister than me.
"And you'll keep your hands in your pockets." Sandra said back and Britt nodded.
"Sure."
So we walked down towards the Hudson River.
"I'm sorry about yesterday." She said and I nodded.
"How long have you been off your medicine, B?"
"Let me see your wrist, Ana." she whispered as she reached forward to try and grab my hand. I flinched away from her and rocked back.
"No...I don't want to talk about that right now.'"
"Then what do you want to talk about? Why can't you just show me?"
"It's not important right now."
"I wish I had never said that to you."
"Well unfortunately your time machine didn't work so you can't take it back."
"I keep saying stupid things to you, don't I?"
"Yea...well, lately you have been doing a lot of things that don't make much sense."
"It's because I haven't been taking my medicine."
"Why not?"
"Ugh...I don't know...things had just gotten so good between us and so I stopped. I didn't think it would make me do stupid stuff like flying off to California, clearing out my bank account, ignoring Izzy's doctor, skipping therapy and nearly punching my pregnant wife."
"And fucking Rachel."
"Yeah...and stuff with Rachel. I just kept doing the wrong thing and saying the wrong thing...but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't make the impulses go away...they just got stronger. I'm sorry."
"Don't" I said as I wiped at my face. My sore wrist was now in view and she stopped walking, so I did too.
"I did that? That shouldn't have happened." she whispered as stared at my wrist.
"Do you see why you have to take them? Do you?"
"Yes." she whispered.
"Listen to me...ok?" she looked up at me with red rimmed eyes and a look of guilt on her face.
"Okay."
"B, you have to take them. Stuff was good between us, because you were taking them. The same way you want me to eat and be sober, I want you to be leveled out, I want you to be able to think straight and be able to control your anger."
"Okay."
"This can't keep happening."
"I know."
"So you're going to start taking them?"
"Yea."
"And you understand how bad it is not to?"
"Yes. I feel so sorry, so ashamed. And then your sisters and Quinn saw it. I'm so embarrassed."
"You should be because, this has become bigger than us."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, Marco Vega and the child I'm carrying. Do you understand that if you hurt me while I'm carrying this baby, he'll kill you."
I led her to a bench that overlooked the water and could see my sisters just a ways down the path with Isaac and little Johnny, they were watching with no shame and that was fine. I needed Britt to know that I was serious about this and with her I was never sure anymore if I'd need backup.
She was in shock and frankly, so was I.
Nico had come to deliver a message and I heard him loud and clear.
"He wouldn't kill me."
"I know for a fact that he would."
She got paler as she swallowed.
"Did Nico tell you this?"
"He did and Nico doesn't really joke around. He asked to see my wrist and I showed him. Carmen keeps him from being violent but Marco has never been tamed. I love you too much, even after this, to let him hurt you."
"Is Nico going to tell him?"
"No because I made a deal with him."
"And what's that?"
"Divorce."
"What?!"
"I know our marriage just became official but we need time apart and Marco needs for you to earn being a parent to this child."
"Did Marco say that?"
"He didn't have to, I know him. He has eyes and ears everywhere, if Nico is suggesting divorce after not mentioning it before, it came from Marco. He has parental rights and he may be disbarred, but he's still one of the best lawyers in this city. Don't give him a reason to fight for his rights."
"So, I'm going to have to earn my life with you back and you're just okay with this?"
"After the plane and last night, I agree with him B."
"And if I don't divorce you, then what?"
"Do you really want to find out?"
"I just don't get why you wouldn't fight him on this."
"Give me a reason too, B. Show me the same woman who loved me more than I loved myself. When you're off your meds, you become cold, angry, and unfeeling. Aren't you the one that convinced me that this was better with feelings?"
"Yeah."
"I need that person back, B." I was crying now and I could tell that she wanted to reach out and touch me but she wasn't going to risk it.
"I took them today, you asked me to prove it last night, so I took them and I'm looking for a new therapist."
"Good. That's a start."
"I can't afford a lawyer, Ana. Why can't you just file?"
"Because, we have a prenup, B. If I file for divorce, you get nothing. If you file, I have to pay you spousal support. I don't want you to struggle, so just this once, you can use Sal."
"We have a prenup?"
"I know, I should have told you but I'm an idiot sometimes and I'm telling you now because I'm trying to be fair."
"Thanks, I um...want to believe I don't need your money but I'm kinda used to it."
"Well it won't be a boatload of money, but you'll be able to pay for bills and stuff."
"Okay, What about custody?"
"I think 50/50 is fair."
"Okay, I like that."
"Good, you can call Sal and get it worked out."
I tried not to think of the fact that I will have legally been married and divorced twice before I'm twenty.
The next time needed to be the last time, with or without B.
I deserve more than I've gotten.
Part of this was me being selfish, Nico just gave me the out that I needed.
"Do you still love me the most, Ana?"
"Yeah, sometimes, I wish I didn't but fucking masochist that I am, I love you the most, Britt Britt."
"Can I tell you something?" She asked as we started walking back.
"Anything."
"I didn't call the tour guy like Quinn said to do, I called Frankie instead."
"Of course you did." I said, trying not to come off as jealous. I mean we were getting divorced, right? "Tell me why you did that, B?"
"I called her for advice."
"Okay...and what did Francis have to say?"
"She says to stick things out with you or at least be better for Isaac, I asked her to help me with that. She called this morning and told me that she set me up with an audition."
"How does that make you stick around?"
"It's in Manhattan."
"A local tour?" I said, scrunching up my eyebrows.
"No...it's for Broadway. I talked to one of the directors this morning on a conference call with Frankie. Remember when I told you she was fed up with me, this was her way of getting me out of her way, I guess."
"But what does she have to do with this though, with Broadway?"
"Frankie used to dance on Broadway before she decided to go travel on tour. She choreographed a few shows for this director guy and because of it, he got a Tony, so he owed her a favor. So she used it on me."
"That was nice of her."
"I guess it was. So I audition Saturday."
"Wow B, that's good. If you take your meds and give your all, like I know you can...that job is yours."
"You think so?"
"Definitely.
"So, if they like me then I will be the directing choreographer of this new play called Misfits...it hasn't opened yet. I would be creating every dance routine and if this is a hit on Broadway, then I'll have a real career."
"I know you'll get it, B."
"And if I don't...I'm still not leaving. I'm going to stick around and earn my place by your side, no matter what it takes."
"You promise?" I said as I held both pinkies out to her.
"Double pinky promise." she said as she linked both her little fingers in mine."You'll come right and be my good luck charm?
"I'll try, B...that's the most I can do right now."
"Try is better than a no."
There was a different vibe between us as we made our way back to the house, Britt was gazing down at the sidewalk and I was resisting the urge to link my pinky with hers.
I hated this feeling between us.
But then she touched my hand ever so lightly.
My sisters were walking behind us, I'm sure waiting to pounce but I let Britt take my hand as we passed the church and headed to the house.
"There's something else that you should know, B."
"Okay...what is it?"
"When I left you at the hospital, I was going to kill myself."
She stopped walking again as we got to the house and looked at me with fear in her eyes.
"What? Are things that bad?"
"I don't know, B. Carmen got me stable and took me to a meeting. I think it was a passing thing but that's why my sister is hovering because she knows what lengths I was being pushed to. I scared her."
"I'm so sorry baby, I'm glad you didn't do it."
"Me too, yesterday a lot of that was jealousy and it was misdirected. I was with Carmen the whole time."
"Nico told me, I'm sorry that I got like that. I'm sorry about everything. I'll keep taking my meds...I promise."
"I didn't tell you this because I'm trying to guilt you into taking your meds, you know that right?"
"Yes, this is you being honest with me. I get it and I think I forgot that you're human. You lost Ian and we almost lost Izzy. I deserved all your anger and I swear that I will be the best Mama in the world to him and the new baby. Okay?"
"Okay, B."
"How long can I keep him?"
"You can keep him tonight and then just have Q bring him up after her classes tomorrow. Tuesdays are her light days."
"Okay, thank you for telling me and I guess...thank you for being my wife for a little while."
"Maybe someday, B...I will get to be your wife for much longer."
"Can I hug you?"
"Too soon, B...holding hands is good for now."
She nodded and we hovered by our front steps until my sisters caught up.
From the look on Celia's face, Sandra has caught her up. I smiled at them both before taking Isaac.
I kissed his sweet face and gave him a good sniff before handing him off to B. She muttered something to Sandra and then we were on our way.
As we headed to Brooklyn, Celia seemed uninterested in rehashing what had just happened and I was never more grateful for the kind of person that she was. Only once, back when I was getting high while pregnant, did she step in on her own to talk to me about what was going on in my life.
She turned on Marc Anthony and began to sing along. I had never heard her singing voice before and it shocked me to hear a voice so close to my own.
"You sound, dope, Ceily."
"Thanks, kid."
"So are you going to tell me why you want me to come with?"
"I got a manager for the Chicago gallery and sold my condo. I need a new scene."
"Why the big move?"
"Quinn. She told me that she'd only consider being officially an us if I let go of the life I had with my ex-fiance. She had a point, so now I'm looking to put down roots in Brooklyn."
"That's awesome, sis."
"I haven't told Q about moving to New York yet, she just thinks I'm trying to buy it just to own something else."
"She's one of my favorite people, Ceily, don't fuck it up."
"I know."
"Good."
We pulled up to this gorgeous building with a line of sight to the Brooklyn bridge.
"This is it."
"I thought you said it was an art gallery?"
"Never said that...just said gallery."
I followed her into the huge space and saw a baby grand in the corner, it was completely made of plexiglass so you could see the inside.
"Holy shit! Can I...would it be okay?"
"Go for it, I'm going to walk around."
"Wait...you're not just looking are you?"
She grinned at me and then threw up her hands.
"You got me, I was coming to finalize the paperwork, this is going to be like a community studio for music and arts. It's a done deal but you needed a distraction and that right there is a perfect one. Go play."
I sat at the piano, stretched out my fingers, cracked my neck and then tapped on a foot peddle for a second before launching into the longest thing I had memorized...Rage over a lost penny with some of my own flair added.
By the time I was done a full 8 and a half minutes later, I had acquired a small crowd of onlookers, a few of them had phones out.
When I finished, my sister was the very first to clap.
There was pride mixed with tears in her eyes.
It felt good to have a thing that I could get lost in that wasn't drugs and right then, this felt better than a meeting.
"You should have seen her Q, she was a beast on that piano. Parents were coming to me asking if she gave lessons and, people just came in off the street. It was like magic."
I rolled my eyes as I picked at my Pad Thai back at the house. Celia was telling everyone about my mini concert that wasn't this big of a deal. I rolled my eyes as she continued talking about how amazing I was and all I could think was that I didn't really feel amazing.
"Hey, S, do you want to check on Isaac?" Q asked and I perked up.
"Yes!"
"Come on." Q said as she walked towards the stairs, "You look wiped out."
"I am." I kissed my sisters foreheads and then followed Q upstairs.
Once we were in the room, she plopped down on the bed and grabbed my tablet from the dresser.
I kicked off my sneakers and peeled off my jeans before curling up on the bed behind her.
Britt's face filled the screen and soon enough, so did Isaac's.
"Hey buddy, it's Mami."
I felt my spirits lift when I saw my baby looking clean and happy.
"Hey Papa." I sang to him and his face lit up.
"We went to the zoo today and then to buy new clothes since someone pooped up his back." Britt said in the cutesy voice.
"Poop explosion!" I laughed and Britt winked at me.
Quinn for her part had handed off the tablet and was now folding my discarded jeans and texting on her phone.
"I talked to Sal." She said and I glanced at Q who stopped pacing and looked up. I hadn't said a word to anyone yet but they'd find out soon enough.
"What did he say?"
"He's drawing up the papers, he said he was going to run the numbers by you and Sandra."
"Shit, Sandra." I slapped my forehead. "I forgot she's gotta sign off on money matters...even this."
"Do you think she's going to say no?"
"Nah, I just need to talk to her before Sal does."
"Well, he said as soon as we both come to an agreement, he can have the papers to us by the end of the week. Then he asked me if your mom knew."
"No one does...well...until now. Q is giving me the eye and I should probably tell her now."
"Yeah you should." Q said, fists on her hips.
"We're getting a divorce." I said and Q's eyes went wide.
"When I said you two needed space, this isn't what I meant." She said, looking genuinely hurt.
"It's for the best." Britt said when I turned the screen so she could see Q. "We both agreed to it Quinnie, it's better to do this now before we kill each other."
"Wow, this is pretty mature of you both."
I smiled at my son when I turned the screen around and then said to Q, "We are doing it for him."
Right then, I wasn't sure if I meant Marco or Isaac...maybe both.
Everything and nothing made sense about this but it was the first thing me and B had really agreed on in a while.
How can it go wrong?
Once Quinn was gone, I went into Sandra's room looking for her.
She was curled up in her bed watching some kids show with little Johnny.
"Hey." I said as I sat on the edge of the bed.
"You need to talk?" She asked, looking worried like back when Marco was lurking around.
Little did she know that in some way, Marco was involved.
"Yeah, I can come back though."
"No, it's getting late and he should be in bed."
"Come to the nursery with me, I've been meaning to show you anyway."
She picked up her son and then I followed her down the hall to the nursery. I felt the tears immediately when I saw another crib next to little Johnny's.
"Are you?" I asked and she laughed.
"No, that's for Isaac."
"Aww, San, that's...thank you!" I went over to the crib and saw that she hadn't gone cheap. "It's beautiful."
"So talk."
I sat in the rocker while she got her son changed and his bottle ready.
Having a bottle station in the nursery was genius, I needed to do something like that at the house. It would have saved me a lot of trips up and down the stairs with a screaming baby on my hip.
"Britt and I are getting a divorce." She paused and looked back at me in confusion.
"Since when?"
"Earlier, during our walk, I convinced her to file."
"Why her?"
"I want to give her spousal support...she hasn't ever really worked and I can't just let her flounder. If I pay her out, I know that when Isaac is with her he'll be at the same living standard."
She was looking at me and nodding.
"That makes sense. You just need to set parameters...and that's why you are telling me. You need me to sign off, don't you?"
"I do."
"Okay...um...what do you want to give her?"
"I don't know."
"We can sit down with Sal and hammer out numbers. Are you sure about divorce though?"
"It's the best for all of us. It will keep her safe."
"Safe?"
"Yeah...there's something you should know." Up until that moment about four people in my circle knew this baby was Marco's...me, Britt, Mami, and Quinn. Now though, it was time to tell the big guns.
I watched as she got Johnny settled with a bottle before turning towards me and giving me her full attention.
"And what's that?"
"This is Marco's baby...I had sex with him so he'd sign the divorce papers and this happened. He knows about it and promised to back off but he's got eyes and ears, he isn't going to let Britt hurting me while I'm pregnant with his baby fly. So, to protect her and myself...to keep him at bay, it was best for us to end things until she gets leveled out."
I swallowed back the tears that I hadn't allowed myself to have, I was beyond nauseous just thinking of allowing Marco to have the reins in my marriage to B but if I was honest with myself...which I wasn't ready to be out loud, I was happy for the out.
Sandra got pale and then nodded, I could see the puzzle pieces in her head come together.
"Are you going to actually treat this as a divorce or are you just doing it to keep him in check?"
I sighed, "She's not ready to be married and tied down. I realize that now, on or off the meds, she isn't mature enough for the kind of reality I exist in. I need to let her go so we can both grow stronger separately."
"What about Isaac?"
"She wants to keep being his mom and I'm not going to stand in the way of that. We agreed to 50/50. Aside from the plane stuff, she's been amazing with him since the moment he was born."
"True, well I will help however I can."
"Great, I'm going to stay here for a little while longer if that's okay with you, at least until this divorce gets settled."
"That's fine."
"And don't think this is going to send me off the deep end, I'm not gonna lie, I feel relieved."
"Good, what about meetings?"
"I need to find some out here and I think I need to start therapy."
"That's a great idea."
"I'm glad you agree...now I have one more ask...it's not a huge one."
"What's that?"
"Can I take a bubble bath in your huge tub?"
She grinned.
"Of course."
"I'm fine, I promise."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, sis. Go see your suegra, I'll be fine."
"But it's different when Johnny isn't there, she's just so...ugh."
"You love her son and she loves yours, it's her birthday and Johnny is in Pittsburgh. You have no choice."
"But, you're getting Isaac back, what if you need me? You could just come to Albany...right?"
"Actually, I'm just going to spend the day at the house with him and Q will be there. Besides, I need to go to a meeting and I need to meet with my sponsor."
"Fine. Let me know when you get to the house."
"You got it, now go."
Once Sandra stepped back from the car and patted the top, the driver took off down the road and I was left to my thoughts.
It was the first time that I was alone in days and I felt the tears begin to flow.
The driver was kind enough to raise the partition so that I could have my time to weep and once he did, so did I.
But then my phone rang and I had to get myself together quickly.
"Yeah?"
"Hey, Anita how are you?"
"Good...I'm good...how are you?"
"Um, you don't sound good."
"I am, it's hormones."
"If you say so."
"I do. So tell me, how is NYU are you killing it already?"
"It's been almost a week, I think I run the school now."
"Good, I wouldn't expect anything less. So, what's up, Ari?"
"After the other day, when we did church and breakfast...I thought it would be cool to hang out again, maybe this time with Brittany. I'd like to get to know the person that has your heart." I let out a sob and then quickly covered it with a cough. "Hey, what is it? You can talk to me."
"I'm headed into the city, do you have time to meet up?"
"Not today, I was just on break and you were on my mind."
"Well, maybe we can hang out this weekend?"
"Yes! That seems to be my only free time."
"Well, if you're up for it, I have an appointment Saturday morning. Do you want to come?"
"I'd like that, as long as we can go back for some of those waffles?"
"You got it!
Talking to Ari seemed to shift my mood a bit, I was still sad about how things had turned out but it didn't feel like my world was ending.
Meeting tonight?-Santi
Yup. Mine or yours?-Carmen
Mine. Headed to city now.-Santi
Nico told me, are you doing it?-Carmen
Yes.-Santi
Cravings?-Carmen
Some but I'm ok.-Santi
Meeting at yours is at 6 but if you need me before that, I'm around-Carmen
Thanks. See you at 6-Santi
Good.-Carmen
Friday morning, came around and the two times I had come down to the city, I hadn't seen Britt. Quinn was always waiting for me with Isaac and no matter how late I stayed, I didn't see Britt.
But then last night she texted me and told me that the divorce papers had arrived and that she'd like one last Friday date night before we signed them. She'd obviously been avoiding me, which worried me but Quinn assured me that she was doing okay, that she'd just been practising for her audition.
And while that may be true, I still know B. She was off either licking her wounds or coming up with a badass plan how to get back to the way we had always dreamed of being.
The week had been good to me, I'd spent days either visiting Isaac or going to Brooklyn with Celia to play that amazing piano.
It seemed like my whole breakdown was a thing of the past, like it was just a blip but I knew that everyone was watching me...and that accountability kept me in check.
Sandra seemed calmer about me being alone after I came home without a bruise or a tear in my eyes.
What I didn't realize though was that it was Britt herself that felt unsure around me, so when I got into the city that afternoon to spend time with my son, there sitting in my living room was Carmen and Brittany.
Seeing her smiling took my breath away and when she looked at me, I swooned.
Maybe taking the pressure of marriage and commitment away cleared out some of the drama.
Right then, all I was seeing was the girl that I loved.
"Hey." She said and I smiled.
"Hey, B...it's good to see you. Uh, Carmen...were you here when I was texting you."
She shrugged. "Yeah, so?"
"You could have just said you were here."
"I like the element of surprise, Santi, you should know that by now."
"And I hate surprises, YOU should know that by now."
Britt was watching us banter and then cleared her throat, I cringed.
"Sorry, I'm going to leave you two for a sec, Isaac should be ready for his bottle soon." And then she left us alone.
"I'm here because we need to talk Santi."
I stood there, my arms crossed over myself while staring down Carmen, I did not like any of this...especially not the look on her face.
"Okay, talk."
"Sit down with me."
"Not sure that I want to."
"Please, Santi, my love...I'm asking."
I nodded and then finally sat beside her.
"I'm not going to like this, am I?"
She shook her head.
"No, I don't even like it but you know Nico...and you know what I've been through."
"You're bailing on me, aren't you?"
"I can't be your sponsor right now, Santi. Nico wants take me to Rome before I can't fly. He thinks that a clean break from New York while we become new parents would be good, especially since his family there is huge. His daughter is there and she's going to be a mom soon too."
"When are you leaving?"
"Three weeks, which is plenty of time for me to find you a new sponsor."
"Don't bother." I looked away from her as I tried to hold back the tears.
She cupped my chin and turned it back towards her until we were eye to eye.
"As your friend, I cannot leave without knowing that you have someone looking out for you. So I am going to find you a sponsor and we are going to all meet together to make sure it's a good fit. Okay?"
"Sure."
"Santana, please, if I could stay...I would but I need to go. It's been a long time coming and now Nico is leaving the business...there's people out for his spot. Things aren't going to be safe here for us, not without Marco."
"How tangled up are they?"
"Nico hates Marco but he needs him, that man's connections keep him out of jail. We don't want to have to rely on him anymore. You can still call me and video chat, I will ALWAYS be here for you."
"Sure, C...okay."
I broke and nodded, thinking about how people always promise to be there but then leave me.
What is it about me that makes people want to walk away from me?
Quinn got home soon after my breakdown and immediately, she swooped in.
"Are you okay?" Q asked when Carmen excused herself to the bathroom.
"Yeah, I just feel a little blindsided but I'll be fine."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Nah, Q. I just want to spend some time with Isaac and then get this day over with."
"Not sure I like how that sounds." She muttered as she brushed my hair back and leaned in, pressing a kiss to my cheek before pulling back and wiping her lipstick from my face.
"Me either." Britt said from the bottom of the steps, Isaac was tucked in her arms with a bottle in his mouth as she lightly bounced him.
And then Carmen was in the room and I suddenly felt overwhelmed.
"Can you just hand him here, please?"
Britt nodded and then waited for me to situate myself before placing my baby in my arms.
The three of them watched me as I fed him and I glared until they stopped.
"I'll meet you at the church at 6, right?" Carmen asked as she grabbed her purse.
"Yes."
"Good, I'm out." She kissed my face and then left me alone with my trinity.
"Can I come to the meeting tonight?" Q asked and I shrugged.
"Sure."
I knew that I had been pulling away from Q lately and I could see that she was reaching out for me. I had to shoulder her stuff too, I had committed to that but hadn't followed through.
"Thanks."
"Do you want to come have a sleepover tonight?" I asked her but Q shook her head.
"Celia is taking me to the gallery tonight, just the two of us."
"Finally." I said and she grinned.
"She says she has news, do you know about it?"
I nodded and then looked down at my son, his eyes were super focused on my face.
"I'm not telling you though, so go do homework or something...let me be with my son." I muttered.
"Are you two going to be okay, alone?" She asked and Britt shooed her away.
"I think we will be fine. I took my medicine and we don't really have anything to fight about."
"Okay, bring him up when you are ready to head out."
"Ay ay, captain." She said to Q and like always she blushed when reminded of her HBIC days.
With Carmen leaving me, I was going to need to firm up my relationships or I was going to spiral. I didn't want to freak anyone out. My stomach suddenly turned and I lunged forward towards B and put Isaac in her arms before running for the bathroom. Only I didn't make it, I ended up on my knees vomiting on the dining room floor.
"Q!" Britt called up the stairs while rocking a whining Isaac.
Seconds later Q came thundering down the stairs.
"What...oh shit...um what can I do?"
"Take him, I'll take care of Ana. I think we are going to just eat and talk here. She just got hit with big news and it's not sitting well." Britt sounded different, like someone I could let take charge. Like her old self, the medicated one. I smiled to myself but then I was sick again.
"Oh God." I groaned.
Once Britt got me and the floor cleaned up, she helped me to the couch and propped up a pillow behind my head.
"I know it's crazy but are you hungry?"
"No way." I groaned. "My head is killing me and my stomach is in knots."
"What did you eat today?"
And then I thought about how I had left the house without breakfast, knowing I'd eat once I got here but then I didn't.
"Nothing." She nodded and bit her lip.
"How close are you to slipping, baby?" She murmured as she took my hand in hers. I felt that ache to be with her more than I had in a while and couldn't keep my words to myself.
"I need you."
Her eyes got wide.
"Wh-what?"
"When we sign those papers, that's it. I know you want to have one last date but I'm thinking one last shower?"
"I don't know...that might make things harder."
"It might but you don't know that. I'm feeling unhinged, yes but that's to be expected. I want you to be mine one last time."
Normally Britt would jump on the chance to bang me but she just shook her head.
"No. My brain and my heart won't understand that we still have to be separate. This is why I got my own lawyer."
I jerked up on the couch and my glare was back, as was the ache in my hips. I had wondered why Sal hadn't contacted me and this was why.
"Why?!"
"Mom suggested it after I told her about the prenup. Thankfully, it was filed in your office upstairs."
"You gave him the prenup?" I felt like I couldn't breathe. A panic attack was imminent and then there were tears. "Why would you do that?"
"Seeing you freak out tells me I did the right thing. You keep a lot of secrets and Mom told me I should protect myself."
"From me?"
"I guess, yeah."
"I offered you 50/50 custody and spousal support, B."
"But my lawyer says I could get primary and legal custody because of your...stuff."
"Wait...you want to take Isaac from me?"
"No...I don't but one of us needs to be there all the time and it's never going to be you."
"How could you say that to me, B?"
Quinn came back down the stairs looking panicked.
"Why are you yelling at each other? You said you were fine."
Were we yelling?
"Sorry sorry sorry." I muttered as I pushed onto my feet. I needed air and was walking towards the door with my head all in a fog but then her hand was clamped around my arm.
"No, you don't get to leave...not sounding like that." Britt said, her grip tighter than necessary.
"Let me go."
"Look, nothing is going to change. I'm just trying to make sure Isaac is always my son. It's not that complicated."
I yanked my arm from her and rounded on her like I used to do before completely tearing a person to pieces but then her eyes met mine and I faltered.
"Going to another lawyer complicates this further, B. Sal works for me almost exclusively because I pay him a fuck ton to keep things under wraps. Marco has a hand in the pockets of so many lawyers in this city that I'm sure your person is on his payroll and if not, he will be. You getting a lawyer just gave Marco all the fucking power."
She blanched.
"Oh."
"Yeah, so excuse me if I don't fucking believe that nothing is going to change and for the fucking record, Isaac was always going to be your son. Ian made sure of that by killing himself AFTER signing over his rights. This was just, so unnecessary, Brittany!"
"San, breathe." Q was saying as she came towards me but I was like a caged animal as I backed away.
"What's the name of your lawyer?" I asked and Britt pulled a card out of her pocket, looking very much like she was going to breakdown any second.
"Um, Lewis Carver."
I wracked my brain but with all the coke I'd consumed last summer, there were very few names that I remembered.
"I'll be back." I said and then without another thought, I stormed out of the house.
When I left, I didn't go very far...just to the church. I sent a quick text and then went inside hoping for answers. The sanctuary was thankfully empty at this time of day. So I knelt in a random pew and dropped my head. I pulled Ian's rosary from beneath my shirt and began to say my Our Fathers and Hail Mary's.
Over and over, I prayed until I felt a presence beside me.
"So?" I asked.
"Yes." Nico answered.
"Did you know she did this?" I asked.
"No."
"Do you think he knows?"
"Yes. As soon as your name comes across one of the guy's desks, it's sends up a flag and he's notified."
"Did I...with him?"
"Yes."
"Fuck." I muttered and then remembered I was in a church, "Sorry, father."
"This might work out in your favor, my love. Using Sal would have made it seem fake to Marco...now it's real."
"It was real."
"Don't lie to me, you know as well as I do that you would have had Sal make it look like divorce just like you did with the marriage. You two would have been right back in bed together with the swiftness."
"Maybe you're right and who's to say that won't happen now?"
"You need to tread lightly. I'm right about this, Santi. You need this divorce now almost as much as you needed it from Marco. It's toxic, she's not all there and neither are you."
"I'm fine."
"Santi...I know you too well for you to try to pull one over on me."
"What do you mean, old man?" I grumbled.
"Be pissed at me, go ahead...you aren't just upset about the lawyer situation. If Carmen hadn't just dropped a bomb on you, the news about the lawyer wouldn't have felt so personal. That girl is just protecting herself, like you should be doing, she's taking care of her best interests and I'm proud of her for it. Now it's your turn, say what you need to say. Be selfish."
Immediately I thought of Marco and the shitshow that was my life...and now how I'd be on my own again.
"I just...how could you take her from me, Nico?"
I got off my knees and sat on the pew, tears long gone.
He looked at me with that cold stare for only a moment and then he softened, something I only saw him do with Carmen.
It was the look of someone who you've been intimate with.
"Santi, my love, she's an addict...worse than you were and I don't think she was ready to be anyone's sponsor. What she won't tell you is that since you two started this sponsor relationship, she's had to double her meetings. It's causing stress on the baby and I have to protect them both."
"Sorry to be a burden."
"You're not a burden, you know I would tell you if you were. It's just a blind leading the blind situation. She's only been sober for as you've known her but she was on drugs for years. A sponsor should be someone who has been clean for longer than a year."
"I know it just hurts."
"Just know that we already had this in the works before all of this, she shouldn't have said she'd make this commitment and she has been punished for being so rash."
"She's pregnant, Nico, you punished her?"
"It was a tame punishment, I'm not a monster, Santi." I rolled my eyes. He smirked and put his hands up, "Okay, I'm not a monster when it comes to her and by extension, you."
"Gee thanks."
"Let me make it up to you, I will clear out the restaurant and you two can have an early dinner, talk things through and part as friends when you sign those papers."
"I don't know if that makes up for you taking Carmen from me."
"Maybe not but if you really think about everything that Carmen has been through and how you saved her life last year, don't you think she deserves this chance to live in a city where no one knows her past?"
And he was right.
"Okay, fine. You're right. Just make sure that she finds me someone dope like her."
"Consider it done. Now, I'm going to walk you back to your house and I'm going to go clear out the restaurant...come over in let's say an hour?"
"Thanks, Nico."
"Anytime, my love."
We walked back to the house in silence, everything that needed to be said had been.
Britt and Q sat on the steps outside with a baby monitor between them.
"Hey." I said and they both looked up and were immediately looking relieved.
"An hour, okay?" Nico said and then waved at Britt and Q before crossing the street.
"What's in an hour?" B asked.
"Nico is clearing the fancy restaurant for our big divorce paper signing."
"Awesome!" Britt stood up and held her arms open for me and I let her hug me.
Then we had another set of arms around us and I felt dwarfed by their height.
"Okay, that's enough."
And like his Mama's timing Isaac began to whimper.
"You two get ready, I'll go take care of my godson."
Britt chose to get showered and dressed separately, which gave me time to make a quick call.
Marco had taught me better than to just sign anything so I called Sal.
"I know what you're going to say, Santana. I was going to call you but I have some pressing things happening here. Brittany sent me a copy of the papers. They are fairer than anything you would have had me draw up. Sign them."
"You're sure?"
"Yes. Call me later, I'm in the middle of a meeting."
Leave it to B, to make sure that I wasn't screwed over, even now, she is a better person than I am.
After my shower, I was excited to have full use of my amazing closet while Britt got dressed in my office.
If I was going to be staying in Westchester, I was going to have to take some of this stuff with me.
My heart was racing, as I finished my makeup.
Here goes nothing and everything.
As we stepped into the hall, both looking flawless, I felt all that anger over the lawyer leave me.
Nico was right, she was being independent and taking care of herself like a real adult, I couldn't be mad at that.
"You look beautiful." She said and I could feel my cheeks heat up.
"So do you."
"Are you ready to get this over with?" She asked, holding up a folder and a pen.
"I guess so." I shrugged.
She held out her hand for me and when I took it, she leaned in and kissed my forehead.
"Let's go get divorced." She fake cheered.
"Q, we are leaving!" I called up to her and she came to the top of the steps, her smile looked so sad.
"I love you ladies, being just friends for a while will be good. You'll see."
"Thanks, Q."
A divorce date shouldn't be easy but for us it was.
She was a gentlelady as she pulled out my chair for me and then she held my hand after she sat down.
"Are you still mad about the lawyer?" Britt asked.
I squeezed her hand and shook my head, choosing not to tell her that I had fucked her lawyer.
"I talked to Sal, he says you sent the papers over for him to look at. Even in this you looked out for me, so no, I'm not mad. You made an adult decision and I can't be mad at that."
"Really?"
"Really."
"So tell me about your week." She said, her thumb tracing over the back of my hand. "Tell me about, Ari."
It was then that I realized that I had neglected to mention much about Ari to her.
"She's a dancer, it's her major at NYU."
"Yeah, what kind of dancing?"
"From what I know, ballet. We only saw each other for breakfast on Sunday and then she went to church and a meeting with me. She's been too busy during the week to hang but she messaged me and wants to spend the day with us. I told her about the divorce but she insists."
"Why?"
"She wants to get to know you...to show you that she is harmless even if we are done, she says it's not over until it's over."
"And why would she want to do that? Did you tell her I was jealous or something?"
"I did."
"Great! Now she knows and will want to get with you just to stick it to me, now that you're single." She tried to pull her hand away but I held tight.
"She's not like that."
"You didn't think I was like that either but look at how many times I've cheated."
"Please...just...lets not talk about that."
"But I did it...we can't ignore it."
"I can't ignore it...you slap me in face with the cheating all the time."
"So do you..." She said gesturing towards my stomach and my heart dropped.
Sure this was Marco's bio kid but he knew that I had plans to raise it with Britt...even divorced but did she want something different?
"Do you not want this baby?"
"You asked me if I'd stay with you but you never asked me if I wanted another baby."
"I guess I haven't."
"You didn't."
"Well...do you? Do you want this baby with me, even now?"
"Yes, of course I do."
"Then you are going to stop bring up how it was conceived. I did it...it's done."
"Ok."
"So back to Ari...do you think it would be okay if I brought her to your audition tomorrow and then we can all celebrate your victory afterwards?"
"That's fine, just no funny business." I rolled my eyes and then looked her straight in the eyes.
"And no more lies." her face went pale and she dropped her head before looking up at me.
"Okay.
"So can I bring her?"
"Okay. I'll give you the address."
After an amazing dinner that would have cost way too much, we shared a chocolate lava cake and then ice cream.
And then she asked me for a dance and so we did.
She held me against her, our faces pressed against each others.
"Will we ever get it right?" B asked.
"I hope so."
"Do you think you'll date?"
"Nah, I'm a one woman kind of girl."
"Guys, I mean."
"I've slept with enough dudes to last a lifetime, B. I'm just going to focus on staying sober and taking care of my kids."
"Is it okay if I do?"
I hesitated but then I swallowed my nausea.
"Of course."
"I don't think I want to but I don't want to feel like guilty if I do."
"I just have one ask."
"Anything."
"I don't want anyone around Isaac unless I approve...please?"
"Okay."
"Thank you."
Once the song ended, it was finally time since I needed to get back for my meeting.
"So will you stay at the house?" I asked her and she shook her head.
"Not for long. Nico says I can stay in the apartment above the diner. He says it's empty, so I can move in whenever."
"That's great, B."
"Yeah, will you come home though when I leave?"
"Maybe."
"Should we...just...do it now?"
"We've stalled enough, I guess." I sighed and then took the pen and next to my name in huge swooping letters I signed.
And then I watched as she signed Pierce instead of Lopez and I had to cover my face to suppress my sobs.
But then, in a mirror of Nico from the other night, she was on her knees in front of me.
"Hey...I'm still here, baby. We will work it out." She pressed a kiss to my lips and I clutched her face as I kissed her back.
And then I was in her arms and she held me until I got myself together.
This fucking sucked.