Note: This is a completely non-canon omake. I figured with the psuedo-hiatus, you guys deserved a bonus update, especially since it's Thanksgiving.
Omake: How Assault Saved Christmas
"Please describe, in detail, your memories of the events on December 25th, 2010, in Johannesburg, Gauteng Province, South Africa, for the record."
"Well…"
Yesterday, 0600 local time.
Assault and Battery were en route to the area of the staging ground for combat capes, where they would be mass-teleported by Strider as Behemoth surfaced.
"Ugh, It's too bright here. It's winter, why is the sun already in the sky?" Assault complained, raising a hand to shield his eyes from the morning sun.
Battery huffed, obviously admiring his perceptive skills. She was so cute when she did that. "First off, It's summer here. Southern hemisphere. Second, it's 6 in the morning, so of course it's sunny already. Sorry, but when this is over, I'm collapsing into bed."
Assault skipped backward in front of her, wiggling his eyebrows while grinning wildly. She would notice the creasing around his visor and on his forehead and put it together in 3… 2… 1… She punched him, as expected. "I meant to go to sleep, you…" he missed that last bit, flying upward to exaggerate the blow. He landed on one hand, and flipped back over, walking next to her.
Present Day
"Is this entirely necessary?" asked the interviewer, her face stoic.
"You did say to describe the events in detail." he remarked.
"Please skip to the events concerning the incident with Behemoth."
"Fine, skip to the good stuff, got it. So I was fighting…"
Yesterday, 0732 local time.
He wiggled his butt, settling into the hold he had around Battery, holding her curled form much like a giant shotput.
"Go," she commanded, and he dutifully tossed her up, then kicked the ever-loving shit out of his beloved wife, punting her at the massive form of Behemoth like a glowing blue surface-to-asskicking missile. A bolt of lightning lanced at her, but she just powered up from it, glowing brighter as she struck the bastard with a haymaker, then kicked off his stumbling form. Assault was already moving, flying like a rocket to catch her as the invulnerability wore off, then kicking off the ground to get back to a safe distance.
The armband rang out a message. "All forces be advised: an unknown object is inbound towards the city at extremely high speeds. It cannot be filmed or tracked, but is not Scion. All non-brute fighters should retreat until the situation is clarified."
Well, that was ominous.
"Objects' ETA is ten seconds."
He carried Battery behind some cover, keeping an eye on Behemoth as she charged. 7… 8… 9…
"HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
Behemoth was passed over by a brown-and-red blur, from which the stereotypical phrase rang out. A moment later, he was knocked flat as a small red object that had obviously been thrown from what had to be a sleigh impacted his head. At the same moment, a deafening BOOM sounded, which Assault recognized as a sonic boom.
The tiny, serious part of his brain whispered, how the hell did I hear the ho-ho-ho?, but it was drowned out by the other part of his brain screaming OH MY GOD SANTA FUCKING CLAUS JUST DECKED AN ENDBRINGER.
His life was complete.
Present Day
"So, you automatically assumed it was a mythical figure?"
"What the fuck else was I supposed to believe? He flew in on a sleigh and decked Behemoth with a goddamn present at multiples of the speed of sound! It sure as hell wasn't Scion!"
The interviewer hmm'd, before gesturing for him to continue.
Yesterday, 0737 local time
"YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY, BEHEMOTH!"
Again, Greatest. Moment. Of. His Life.
Another present was dropped on the Endbringer, slamming it into the ground with what was obviously immense force. Assault almost winced in sympathy, until he realized what exactly he was wincing over. Instead, he let out a cheer, egging on Santa- and wasn't that the weirdest sentence ever.
The sleigh pulled up next to Assault, who took a moment to stop squealing in joy who calmly, expertly assessed the situation as his wife stared, jaw slack under her mask, at the scene.
"You," spoke the gentleman in festive red and white, like a storybook drawing made real, "You have much Christmas spirit. Come with me."
Those moments just kept topping each other.
He glanced to Battery, and St. Nick said, "There is not much time. She will be safe, for she is a good girl."
He climbed into the sleigh, shooting his partner an apologetic smile. She was, indeed, a good girl.
Present Day
"Describe the man."
"Fat, Caucasian, pure, snow-white hair, reddened nose and cheeks, voice like Sean Connery ate and gained the powers of Morgan Freeman. Wearing a red coat with what seemed to be an arctic fox-fur liner, and smelled faintly of peppermint and fresh snow, although I have no idea how he managed to smell like an odorless substance, beyond saying 'magic' or 'powers'."
"…olfactory…hallucinations…"
"Riding a red sleigh, pulled by a team of nine reindeer that, I swear to god, laughed at a few of my jokes. The one at the front had a glowing red nose- not some light implanted in it or anything, just brilliant red, like a giant nose-shaped laser diode."
"…altered animals…possible master rating…"
Yesterday, 0739 local time
"These Endbringers have been a blight upon the earth for decades. I have sat, in my shrouded workshop, for many a decade, watching the world grow less and less joyful, weaker in their faith. You are not always a good boy, but your sheer joy, even in the face of insurmountable odds, is commendable. I need spirit like that if I'm going to drive this monster away this Christmas day."
"Anything you need, St. Nick."
"How good are you with moving targets?"
Assault grinned. "Pretty good."
"Perfect. Man the present launcher; we have an Endbringer to drive off."
Present Day
"Present launcher?"
"As far as I could tell, it just fired presents. We were just firing extremely heavy presents, at extremely high speeds."
"Hmm."
Yesterday, 0745 local time
This, right here, was by far the greatest moment of his life, save his wedding day.
THOOMP!
Hit!
THOOMP!
Hit!
Present after hyperdense present slammed into the titanic form, hammering it into buildings as they passed by at Mach who-gave-a-fuck, Father Christmas at the reins to keep the loops tight and fast. Other capes watched from afar, a menagerie of impressions to be whizzed by.
Lightning struck the sleigh repeatedly, but did no damage to either quadruped or biped or flying conveyance. At some point in the past few minutes, a blizzard had blown up, conveniently limiting any flames at about perfect hand-warming temperature, by his estimation, which he gathered as a fireball flew past.
THOOMP!
Hit!
Behemoth hit the ground, but this time, he did not rise.
THOOMP!
Hit!
Behemoth was driven into the ground.
"Now, son! Throw the sack at him!"
Present Day
"The sack?"
"His sack of presents, the ones for all the good boys and girls in the world? What kind of person doesn't know about Santa?"
"I would remind you not to cast aspersions on the interviewer's person," replied the interviewer.
Yesterday, 0747 local time
Assault handed the cannon to the jolly old saint, turning around to grasp the neck of the giant velvet bag- which didn't budge an inch.
He pulled harder. Dug in. Tried redirecting a bit of the sleigh's forward momentum into lifting it.
"It won't move!" he shouted over the wind. "How do I lift it?"
"You've got to use-" THOOMP! "-Your Christmas spirit!"
Assault understood. He thought of all the times he'd volunteered at schools. He thought of all the people he'd saved since becoming a hero. He thought of the good times, before his trigger, when his family was still whole. He realized that, for billions of people, Christmas would be ruined by this attack, this reminder of death and despair.
The sack moved. He lifted it above his head, leaning out over the edge of the sleigh. He yelled to Santa. "Hold on!"
He redirected all of the momentum, all of the force generated by the team of magical reindeer, the sleigh, the occupants, into the bag. The sleigh, in an instant, went from going well over Mach 10 to a dead stop; the bag, now accelerated to a frankly ridiculous speed by the concentrated kinetic force, slammed into the figure of Behemoth, cratering the ground, and driving him deep, deep into the earth.
As the echoes of the deafening sonic boom faded, there was silence.
For several minutes, they hovered over the massive crater, watching for any sign of the monster. Slowly, from the other gathered capes, a low murmur began to rise, then someone cheered.
At some point, Assault found himself on the ground, receiving a pat on the back from Legend, surrounded by other capes, their praises too thick to make out. He only had eyes for one thing. In the background, he caught the eye of a beautiful woman in a skintight suit, one patterned with glowing blue circuitry.
He waggled his eyebrows, grinning madly.
She put a hand to her forehead, but he knew she'd laughed.
Present Day
"So, you have no idea how you got from the vehicle to the ground, nor any idea where this mysterious person went?"
"Oh, I expect he went to the North Pole. Even if he wasn't actually Santa, he was playing the part so well that I'd be disappointed if he didn't."
"Uhuh."
He stretched, yawning. "Well, if that is all, I'd like to go home. It's been a long night."
"Of course. Thank you for your cooperation, Assault. This has been enlightening,"
The interviewer tipped her fedora, the only defining feature to distinguish her from a robot, and motioned him toward the door.