Chapter 15: Idle Worship (Paramore)
I sat on the edge of the bed as I watched Britt change the bandage on her shoulder, her face was twisted in concentration while she took her time to put on new ointment and then gauze before a waterproof bandage.
The skin around her stitches was purple and I could tell from the way that she softly touched the area around it that she was still in a lot of pain.
We'd gone from the top of the steps to the room and that's when I had pointed out to her that she bleeding a bit. She admitted that she overdid it this morning while trying out some new moves with Tony.
"I don't get why your bosses and Tony are insisting that you still dance when you have a bullet wound. It doesn't make any sense."
"They did try to get me to take a few days off but I wanted this job and I want to dance, Ana. I don't want anything to slow me down."
She had a determined look in her eyes and I knew that she'd push herself but it would only make things worse.
"B, if that gets infected then it will take longer to heal. You should give it just a couple of days, you'll feel better."
"Stop it, Santana, I don't want your advice!" She whirled around and was glaring at me all red faced and shit. "If it wasn't for you..." She started to say but then I threw up my hands and leveled a glare at her, she just looked away again, not bothering to finish her thought.
"I know this is my fault, okay...Nico is dead because of me. I have been carrying that for days, don't think that I don't know how this is all on me. I am well aware of what I've done, so just, calm your tits. I was only trying to help because I care about you."
"Just...can you just tell me why you needed me to practically fly here and stop worrying about what I should and shouldn't be doing." She turned back around and stared at her bandage in the mirror for a long moment before pulling her shirt back on.
"But B-" I started.
"Please?" She said, her voice sounding like it was going to break at any second.
So I filled her in on my call with Sal and watched as her attitude changed from snappy to sad. I sat on the edge of the bed, my hands cradling my little bump as I looked up at her. She hadn't met Tor, not really but knowing who she was and that she was so young made my old Britt Britt appear.
"I wonder if my sister knows her. Oh God, can you imagine if it was my sister? What can we do? What does Sal need from you?"
"He asked me to read the suicide note and see if anything was said that could get both of them put away for a long time. Only, I haven't read that note yet and the thought of it makes me sick with anxiety. I know I shouldn't be relying on you to hold me up but you are my best friend and you have always held me up...I guess...I just needed it one more time. I'm sorry that I fucked up your day...I just...I needed you, B. Better to lean on you than other things...right?"
I was laying the guilt trip on thick, she'd always boasted that if I needed her, that she'd be there.
Now I was calling her bluff but just like always, she rose to the occasion, even if she didn't want to.
"Okay, so you worry about eating and I'm going to check on Isaac. I need a breather from you and us. I need to call my sister. So eat and I'll be right back."
I wanted to put up more of a fight but like Mami always says, sometimes you just have to know when to pick your battles. Fights with Britt were low on my list of priorities, right now I needed to remember that there was a possibility I could help make sure that Tor never had to go through this kind of pain again.
She was more important.
My stomach growled and I knew...this baby was also way more important than my temporary drama with B.
I was divorced, I couldn't rule Britt's life and I couldn't let her make me feel guilty anymore.
Old habits would be tough to break and I just wanted to be there for her but I could see it in her eyes, she was at war. She wanted to hate me for getting shot and while I could totally carry the blame for sending Nico to his death, I didn't feel so responsible for her getting shot.
Just like Carmen couldn't carry my grief and hurt, I couldn't carry Britt's.
It wasn't fair to me or this baby.
Be selfish, Lopez.
Her dismissal of me had given me just the permission that I needed.
Say less, B...say less.
At first, I was going to ask her to sit with me while I read the suicide note but that would be too domestic. I had to suck this up and do it on my own. So I took a giant bite out of a hot dog, taking my time to chew and swallow before walking over to the room door and locking it.
Fuck her.
I took a deep breath and picked up the wrinkled envelope.
Here goes nothing.
My hands shook as I looked down at his precise handwriting with watery eyes.
"I miss you, Papa Bear."
Hi Baby Mami,
I know you're pissed about this and I wish that I could be there for you to curse out but I was ready. Everything hurt all the time and that's no way to live. You have fought so hard for your life this last year and here I am throwing mine away. Despite all that anger and sadness, I know without a shadow of doubt that you are going to love me and honor me through my son. Isaac is our perfect thing and I know you'll do right by him and this new little squish. Forever you will be the love of my life.
No one will be better for you than me. I'm sure of it, at least when I see you with Brittany. She's so unworthy of you at this moment in time, I pray that changes but I fear that it won't. If it works out, you make sure that she is worthy of you at all times because the moment you get comfortable, she'll break you again.
I know it.
Stay clean, please? If you can do nothing else, do that. You deserve to live a long life and I will do what I can to make sure that happens from the other side. I swear to you! There's so much that is going to go unsaid between us and I'm sorry for that. I couldn't go to New York, no matter how laid out your best plans were, it couldn't work, not when there is so much going on here in Lima.
I have a sister, I don't think I ever told you that. She's so precious and pure. She loves SO big and feels so much, she reminds me a lot of you. If I had left her here, I would have been tormented by the possibility that she'd be raped and beaten like I have been for years. I know you're thinking, good job dumbass now you've gone and left her in the most permanent way. You see though, I haven't. My death will make the monsters come out into the light.
I just hope it's not in vain.
My love for you felt pointless but my love for her will reach me wherever I go on the other side of this bullet. About that, you left your gun in the car, well your father's gun and it felt like a sign. It felt like fate had laid a hand and opened the door for me to do this. So thank you.
I sobbed as I read that part.
My gun.
Fuck.
My fault.
When you love someone enough that you are willing to do anything for them it gets dangerous when it isn't returned, you get reckless. I got in so many fights with my mother after you left. She wants to take Isaac away from you and the new baby too. She has it all planned out...don't trust her. When my dad died I was a kid still and my mom was pregnant with my brother Ivan...he was still born. She lost her mind after that, I reminded her of what she lost and so I had to move in with my Da when my mom kept beating me for not being my Ivan. She nearly killed me more than once.
When I went to live in Chicago she took up with Thomas...she made me call him uncle. She had Ingrid (Tori) with him. He is a basket case and has been after Tori since she learned to walk but he was waiting for her to hit puberty. He openly admitted it to me one night as he had me bent over and was raping me. He's disgusting and perverted.
When Da died I was forced to move back with my mom...Tori was 8. I protect her the best I can. Tori got her period a few months ago and I know that bastard is going to go for her. I would rather die than see her be hurt. This is why I couldn't move to New York. If I kill myself there is a greater chance to save her. I know that you are smart enough to know though that this isn't my only reason. I just couldn't bear life anymore. My mind is too dangerous...I need to be free, to be at peace. Just save my sister...please. Let her be there for the kids...for you. Save her from a fate worse than death.
I started laying plans, I took her to practices with me, let her meet Sue. I think Sue saw the hurt in us and she offered to help and I believe that if asked, she'd take my sister in. I know that you can make that happen, you are capable of anything you set your mind to. I know that.
No matter how beaten down you get, know that your potential is infinite. Do NOT box yourself in according to what everyone assumes of you, my love, you are the greatest soul in this life. That's the reason that people with broken souls latch onto you. Take time to yourself. Be selfish and selfless, never one without the other.
If Britt or anyone hurts you, leave. Despite how you were conditioned, you DO NOT deserve to be disrespected or beat down. As Gladys likes to say, the devil isn't ugly. You've got some pretty devil's Santana, don't let them drag you down.
Please keep my mom away from your kids, your home, and anything that is rightfully yours. I leave Isaac my lockbox, it's passcode is his birthday. Everything in there is for him. When I go, please still love me. please pray for me.
You are going to be amazing as a lawyer and a mom, don't give up on your dreams, even for your wife. Love Brittany with your all and maybe someday she will deserve you. Most of all love the life we created and the one that I claimed as mine. Even with me gone, let them love me in spirit. Keep them happy and safe and if it's a boy...name him for my Da...it was his dying wish and now it is mine. Name him Daniel. I love you always...simply and truly only you Mami and I wouldn't have it any other way. Peace be with you all the days of your long life!
Te amo, Papa Bear
My body was stone as I sat there going over everything. I'd let that woman touch my son. I'd let her take the cufflinks. I'd left Tor at the mercy of those monsters and I needed to do everything in my power to fix it.
A knock sounded on the door and then the jiggle of the handle. "Ana? We agreed...no locked doors."
"I needed time and space from you, from us." I said parroting back her words to her.
Britt growled in frustration and then kicked the door.
"Don't be a bitch." She growled and I knew right then that Ian was more than right to call out Britt.
"Take your meds, B. Your asshole is showing."
With that I walked away from the door and looked down at my phone, scrolling to the S section.
Salvatore
Sandra
Sue
In that order looked back up at me and I scrolled to that last name.
"Sandbags!" Was her immediate response.
"Shut it, Sue. This is important."
"Is that how I raised you?" She scoffed but I could tell I got her attention, "What is it?"
"I'm going to read you something that Ian wrote in his suicide note."
"Okay, shoot."
I shivered at the thought of Ian dying from a fatal shot from my gun.
There was so much to atone for.
With a more steady hand, I picked up the note and read to my old cheer coach and then I listened to the silence on the other end.
There was shuffling papers and throat clearing, so I just had to be straight with her.
"The worst scenario is happening coach. You always taught me to be realistic about what was a limitation and what was an excuse. If I could take her, I would but we both know that I'm in no place to do so. I am limited by this addiction and by so many other things. With you she'll thrive, I know it."
"You don't need to convince me. Who do I need to talk to? I'll pick her up myself."
"My godfather, the captain is a good place to start. Also, I'm going to give you the name and number of my lawyer."
"Sal and I go way back, no need."
"Fine, I'll give him the heads up that you'll handle it."
"Santana?"
"Yes, coach?"
"I'm proud of you."
"Thanks coach."
"Stay clean, eat, can't believe I'm saying that and more than anything be the captain that you were groomed to be. Got it?"
"Yes coach."
"Good. Now, you call Sal, I'll call the captain."
She hung up just like that and I sat there feeling marginally better.
I reread the letter until the paper was dotted with my tears.
And even as I wept, my stomach growled so I cried and I ate, I blew my nose and then I ate some more until my plate was empty and my soul felt hollowed out.
I snapped a pic of the letter and texted it to Sal before taking it over to the door and sliding it under.
"When you call me a bitch again, I want you to know what Ian thought about that...read this."
I waited until I heard her pick up the letter and then I unlocked the door and walked back to the bed, waiting for her reaction but instead, she just slid the note under the door.
"I'll see you on Wednesday." She said gruffly.
When I got back to the door and swung it open, I saw her at the bottom of the stairs walking towards the front door.
Then I saw that my sisters seemed to be having a pow wow in the dining room and right then I didn't give a fuck as I called out Brittany.
"You're just gonna leave, B?"
She froze and then slowly turned to look at me, her arm in a sling and her eyes red.
"I will never be enough for you, Santana." She gestured to my sisters, "Any of them could tell you. We are divorced and yeah, I got shot but I can't lean on you anymore and you can't lean on me. I have only myself here and you have all of them. We agreed that we would split time with Izzy. So I'll see you at the house on Wednesday morning. Don't be late." Then she turned towards my sister, "Is it okay if I have a driver take me to the city?"
Sandra nodded and then looked up at me in confusion but I just turned on the spot and stormed down to the nursery.
In two days I'd have to turn my son over, so I needed to spend every moment with him.
My phone buzzed in my hand as I made my way into the nursery where my son was laying in his crib watching Elmo on the big screen.
As long as his show was on, I wouldn't exist and for the moment, I was okay with that.
"Yeah?"
"I talked to Sue, she called me before you were supposed to. I also saw the letter, how are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling everything, right now Sal. In the span of three days I've gotten divorced, lost a friend, took the advice of my ex-husband and nearly fell off the wagon. I'm tired, Sal."
"That's understandable. Luckily for you, there's not much else I will require from you. I can handle Sue and if you are absolutely needed, I'll run it through Sandra. She seems to have her fingers on the pulse of your mental well-being. Besides, she is the second signatory on everything anyway."
"I appreciate that, Sal."
"Be well, Santana."
"Thanks, you too."
Isaac let out a squeal as the video ended and she must have heard him on the monitor because Sandra came in seconds later with Johnny on her hip and her head tilted to the side.
"Is everything okay, sis?"
"Yeah. I'm good."
"What was that with Brittany?"
"Just normal, end of relationship stuff. It was us realizing that we can't put off separating anymore. I agreed to split custody with her. I get Isaac Sunday morning through Wednesday morning, she gets him Wednesday morning to Saturday morning...then on Saturday we have family time. Today is Sunday, so she was putting me on notice. She expects to have him on Wednesday. She was supposed to be renting a place from Nico but that's not gonna happen. So if you are okay with it, I was going to stay here a little longer...I know you already said it was okay but now I need you to have an out if I'm becoming too much. I do have a home...I have the penthouse too-" I started to say but she held up her hand to silence me.
"You are NOT to go back to that penthouse. Even if its cleaned out, I don't trust that dealers won't find you there. So that's a no. You can either stay here or go stay with Celia, she's closed on the gallery and a townhouse in Brooklyn."
"I can't stay in Brooklyn."
"Why not?"
"I'd rather not say."
"Santana...come on."
"Biggest dealer of them all is in Brooklyn, most of my jobs were also there. So living there, is not gonna happen. I don't mind going for a day to the gallery but I can't live there."
"Okay, respect. Then you'll stay here?"
"Yes."
"Good."
When Britt left, I was in a mood and Sandra was not feeling it in the slightest.
"Put on your bikini and grab a towel, we are headed to the pool."
I shook my head.
"Nah, I'm good."
"What? Why?"
"The last time I was in a pool, I nearly drowned and I don't know about you but I'm not really feeling dying just yet."
"I swear to you on my life that I will not let you drown, Santana."
"Fine."
I sank into the water, one step at a time and then walked over to the float that Isaac was laying on, with his baby sunglasses on his face and I was immediately happy that I hadn't let my new fear of water stop me from sharing this moment with him.
Sandra had a hand on Isaac's float and one on Johnny's, who at nearly nine months old was already saying little words. The only issue was that he tended to sound like a parrot. Once he got latched onto a word, it was all he repeated over and over again, as if committing it to memory through repetition.
"Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma!" He screamed and Sandra was so delighted that she was the word of the day that she just kept grinning at him.
Once she saw that I had Isaac, she let go of the float and paid more attention to her mini-me.
"This isn't so bad, right?" She asked me as she kept making faces at her son.
"No, I'm good. I used to be anyway but then I had that incident back in May and it has me a little anxious."
"I get that, well just relax as much as you can and since you're in the water, he should be okay to be lifted."
"Oh no, he can stay right in his floaty. I'm not taking any chances."
She laughed at me and then went back to her little parrot.
I kept myself in water that didn't pass my boobs, too afraid to venture deeper.
There was no way I was going to risk either of our lives, of all the ways I could go out...it won't be in water.
I refuse...I want to go out fighting or in my sleep.
But like when I'm 95.
On Wednesday morning, I was supposed to go into the city and meet Britt at the house...that had been the plan.
But then with Isaac strapped to my chest, I nearly passed out on the stairs...I caught myself and unfortunately I had been spotted by Sandra and she insisted that Britt come here for him.
So instead of venturing out of the house for the first time in days, I was forced into a chair at the dining room table and food was shoved in front of me.
"Eat while you wait for Brittany."
"I'm not hungry."
"The baby is hungry so you will eat. Plain and simple."
"Fine." I grumbled and then began to toy with my scrambled eggs.
All at once it went from just me, Sandra and her husband happily enjoying breakfast while the boys took a morning nap, to noise.
First it was Damariz and her husband Saul, who had a medical conference in Connecticut and were "surprise", dropping in. Sandra must have known though because she came out of the kitchen with more than enough food for them. My sister seemed peppier than usual as she caught us up on the happenings in California and how they were thinking of getting a place here so they could live on both coasts.
I was about to ask them how they'd make that work but then the front door opened and in came Q, Celia, and finally B.
My heart sped up at the sight of her, sling free and looking just fine four days after being shot. She gave me a tight smile.
"Where's Izzy?"
"Napping, sit and have breakfast. Let him sleep a little bit longer." She looked like she wanted to argue but there was no way she'd start something with three of my sisters in the room.
And if I thought Mari was hype, it was nothing in comparison to Quinn who had a freshly trimmed haircut, she'd spiked it a bit and she looked adorable...can you blame me for commenting?
Britt was just sitting down across from me with her plate when I caught Quinn's eyes, as she sat there looking freshly fucked.
"Wow, you look hot Q. Banging my sister is really agreeing with you." She choked on her juice and Britt slapped her back a few times.
"Why me? Someone please tell me how I always end up at a table full of lesbians?" Sandra said with a frown. Damariz let out a huge bark of laughter and leaned against her husband who was actually cracking a smile. Shocker!
"Well actually I'm bi-curious." B said with a look of seriousness. The laughter after that statement was monumental. Saul actually laughed out loud this time and I thought I was going to faint. He is usually super serious and statue like. The mannequin that I once made out with was happier than him, so this was a welcome change.
"But you married my sister so that means you are off limits to guys and girls so now you are a lesbian." Mari jumped in and the table got quiet.
"Actually Mari, we're divorced now." My sister looked at Britt and then me, she sucked her lip into her mouth and didn't say another word.
Celia knowing when to flip the subject turned towards Sandra and smirked.
"Cry me a fucking river Sandra! You and I both know that back in Bayamon you had that thing with Marisa Calderon! Right Mari?" Celia barked out. Mari nodded her head and then, feeling safe to jump back in the conversation, added her two cents.
"Yep! Mami walked in and that poor girl had her head in between your legs." Mari smiled huge as Sandra scowled at her.
"What? No fucking way?!" I sat there wide eyed looking at my older sister as her face went pale and she began stuffing her face with eggs.
"Yup...Sandra was about to graduate and go off to college, Mami caught her, immediately told Papi who cut her off...then she ran off to the Marines. She was the example that we got if we stepped out of line. Right Mari?"
"Oh God...when she found about you Ana, she said that it was a curse on the Lopez side of the family. She still doesn't know about Ceily though."
I felt so overwhelmed...did this mean that Sandra was gay?
Was Celia still in the closet after all these years?
Also, Sandra fucked a girl long before I even knew I liked girls...wow.
"San...I don't understand? You love Johnny, right?" I said still too shocked to focus on anything else. I looked at Johnny who was casually cutting into his pancakes and not looking up at anyone. He probably knew this already but when I asked my questions he looked over at my sister and waited for an answer.
"I do love my husband. I have plenty of amazing, dirty, exciting sex with him. I am not gay. That was just two girls fucking around. I was curious, it was just one time...that's it!" she said as she leaned in and kissed Johnny on the lips.
"Okay...if you're sure, but I know that my curiousness totally gave me the hots for Santana." Britt said with that serious look again. I shook my head so she would stop talking and she got the message loud and clear.
I could see that this conversation had taken an ugly turn and Sandra was quickly throwing up her walls. I wasn't going to let anyone make her feel uncomfortable in her own home, even her sisters. I cleared my throat and looked around.
"So on a different topic...things between me and Britt are different now. We are splitting custody of Isaac and I appreciate all the support you guys can give. We are on good terms and I'd like to keep it that way."
"Yeah...um...thanks Sandra for letting me use your driver a few times. It really helped after everything."
"Everything? What did I miss?" Damariz said.
"There was a shooting...um...Britt got shot on Saturday."
The two surgeons at the table were immediately giving her a visual scan.
Britt's face was turning pink.
"It was a flesh wound. Went straight through but I might need surgery on my shoulder eventually." She said to Mari and only her.
"Well if you'd like me to take a look at it before you go, I've got my bag."
I thought Britt would turn her down but she actually looked relieved.
"Yeah...actually, I'd um...like that."
I watched Britt walk off with Mari and then I turned towards Q, "Did she take her meds today?"
Quinn shrugged.
"No idea, S, I am not going to police her."
"I know, she just seems off and I want to make sure she's going to be okay with Isaac."
"Why wouldn't she be?" Celia jumped in. "I prefer her like this than to the girl who nearly slammed you into a wall two weeks ago."
"You're right, I guess."
The baby monitor crackled and we waited to see which kid it would be.
We heard it then.
"Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa!"
Sandra looked at Johnny.
"You better go before he wakes up-"
But it was too late because Isaac began to cry seconds later.
I pushed up from the table but then Britt was coming into the room, fixing her shirt as she ran past us up the stairs. Johnny followed behind and I was left standing there feeling a churning in my gut.
Mari came to the table with her poker face on.
"What is it?" I asked her.
"The wound is showing signs of infection, I prescribed her antibiotics and told her that she should definitely take the next few days off of work."
"What did she say?"
"That she was planning on it since she has Isaac."
"Oh good."
"How did she seem otherwise?"
"Just fine. Is there something I'm missing?"
"Nah, I'm just being paranoid because this is the first day we are trying this split week thing."
"Oh, gotcha."
We finished breakfast, falling mainly into a silence aside from small conversations and then I heard it...my name.
I turned towards the baby monitor and tuned out the rest of the room.
"I don't know, Britt, I think that the divorce was the right move. You two are really young. Raising a family is hard but add in maturity...the need to fuck around and a kid into the mix, it's no wonder you got antsy." That was Johnny and from the look on Sandra's face, she did not approve.
"You know, I started to be okay with all that but then with everything that happened, knowing Marco is involved...more than anything it's knowing I'll never be rid of him. To be with her is to be with him. He's been quiet up until this point but then the shooting happened, then the drop off to get the price off our heads. When is enough actually enough?"
"That is a lot to go through, I can see why you're feeling stuck."
"I almost feel like she planned for it to happen or maybe he did. He created her, she's his puppet, even now. He asks and she gives him what he wants. How can I be loyal to that? How can I be sure that she didn't set all of this up, hoping I'd die so that she didn't have to worry about me being around anymore?"
I was clenching my napkin in my hands.
"Nah, I don't think Santana is that vindictive."
Britt laughed at that.
"You have no idea. She's carrying his baby, did you know that."
There was silence but the glares from Celia and Mari, told me they didn't know yet. Sandra had only told Johnny it seemed.
I ducked my head and looked towards Sandra but then Johnny's next words came, "Sandra called me right after she found out." and I couldn't stand to look at her anymore.
Sure, I knew she'd tell Johnny, that's her husband, it makes sense but the way he said it made me feel like the family soap opera.
"You see, she tells you things. Not Santana, she cheated on me with Marco and I'm supposed to raise his bastard. I love Isaac but I didn't sign up for this."
"Oh hell no." I pushed back from the table and stood to my feet but Sandra gave me the look and shook her head.
"That's bullshit and you know it, you'll love this new baby regardless of where it came from. You'd give your life for that little boy and you knew what you were signing up for when you married her. Don't play the victim. Yes you got shot, that sucks but you can't spend your life blaming other people. Especially not the woman you love. You do still love her, don't you?"
I looked at Sandra and then she smirked.
"He knows." She whispered.
"What?"
"He knows we can hear him...no way is my husband this much of a guru." She whispered.
Britt let out a sigh and then she did that baby talk with Isaac and laughed.
"I do. I love her with my whole heart, I just feel so stupid when I'm with her sometimes. Like I can never be enough."
"She picked you...even when all of us told her not to, including me. So to her you're enough. Cut her some slack."
"You're right. I know it. She's my world...I just..."
"No more excuses. Take him home, have a great time with him and then when you two switch off on your family day...talk to her. Say what you want about the Lopez women, they are tough but they are certainly fair and maybe a little too honest at times."
"I think I will...thanks, Johnny."
Watching Britt leave with Isaac, broke my heart.
How did people do this?
Shit, how did my parents do this so frequently?
Being away from my son, even if he was with his Mama, was always hard for me.
"Up for a trip to Brooklyn?" Celia asked as she and Quinn headed out.
Britt had come up with them which meant, that I'd get to steal a little more time with my son.
"Yes! Let me grab my stuff."
Celia and Quinn shared a knowing look.
Thank God for them.
Britt was settled in the backseat of Celia's rental with Isaac, when I hopped in the car.
She looked up at me in surprise but didn't say anything.
"How's dancing, B?" I asked her as I slid my finger into Isaac's little fist.
"Good." She said.
"I bet you've come up with some amazing routines, right?"
"A few." She was looking out the window at Celia and Quinn who were saying goodbye to Mari and Saul.
"Any big plans for your time with Isaac?" I asked.
Suddenly she turned towards me, her blue eyes burning into mine.
"Do you not trust me with him or something?"
"What? Of course I trust you."
"Doesn't feel like it, why are you in the car?"
Celia timing like gold offered up an answer to that as she climbed into the driver seat.
"I invited her. She was a hit at the gallery last time she came and I wanted her magic fingers."
Britt flinched, I swear if it had been anyone but my sister that said those words I'd think she was jealous.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, Ana is a prodigy. She just gets in the zone and it's like the world falls away and she's happier than I have ever seen but that's probably old news to you, right?"
Quinn slapped at Celia's thigh and they shared another look.
Britt looked at me with so much hurt in her eyes.
"Yeah, old news."
When we dropped off Britt, Q, and Isaac...I felt a little more relief than I felt when they had left Sandra's earlier. I think it was watching my son go into the house with not only B but also Quinn. I knew that I could trust that as long as Quinn was around, Isaac would be safe.
"Relax."
I ground my palms into my eyes and let out a sigh as she merged into traffic, leaving my house behind.
Although right then, it felt more like Britt's house than mine.
"I'm trying."
"Can I ask you something?"
I stared out into traffic, a million things going through my mind...she'd just found out way too much about me and my marriage...and about Marco.
"I guess."
"Why don't you ever come to me about stuff?"
Of all things, that was definitely not what I expected.
"What do you mean?"
"I get that Sandra holds the reins when it comes to money but you and I are the only gay sisters. Why don't you ever come to me about the Brittany stuff?"
"The gay stuff, you mean?"
"Well, yeah...the gay stuff."
"Outside of you training me to be a runner when I was 14, you talking me out of being high while pregnant, and now you screwing my best friend...I don't think we ever had a close enough bond for me to just talk to you about stuff."
"Ouch."
"I didn't know it was an option, that's basically what it comes down to."
"Well, I want to be an option for you and I won't go telling Quinn every little detail."
"Oh you mean, Sandra running right to Johnny? That didn't bother me and trust me, Quinn knows way more about me than I've forgotten. We don't have secrets...what we have is too intimate for that."
She gagged.
"Okay, so you two have obviously fucked...good to know."
"We were each other's first everything. It was awkward and in no way pleasurable because we had no idea what we were doing."
"First, first? Like before Marco?"
"Yeah, we were twelve. I didn't even have a period yet, like I said young and dumb kids messing around. I picked her back up after Beth and she picked me back up before, during and after every single time Marco has tried to break me."
"Wow...and why aren't you together?"
"I've asked myself the same thing and I'm sure she has too...for me, she became too ingrained in all my bullshit. If we were a thing, I'd be way too insecure because she's seen me at my lowest. I could see myself, always worrying that we were together out of obligations or pity. With Britt, it's pure and passionate. We love hard, we hate hard and there's no middle with us. That's probably our issue, we exist in extremes."
"I can definitely see that, if you two truly take this time to grow as single people, I think you'll make it."
"Really?"
"Yes, my ex and I, we fell in love the first week of freshman year of college. We never took a break. The real world and moving away from everything she knew in Texas, started to change us. We didn't give each other space to grow. Everything was together, our finances, our friend group and even our business. There isn't a thing that I've owned until now, with this gallery and the townhouse that has been just mine. It is terrifying but it feels good, to know that I can do it on my own. Britt reminds me of myself. She is trying to fly with clipped wings."
"Yeah, you're an artist alright." I snickered and she rolled her eyes.
"What I'm saying is, she was on the right track to live alone...but she's been grumbling to Quinn and me because I think she forgets I'm your sister sometimes, that she has no money to make it on her own. The company won't pay her and Tony until they have all the dances completed. I know you have to run it through Sandra but maybe think about giving her the spousal support in a lump sum so she can get a place of her own."
"You make a good point." I nodded as we continued crossed the Brooklyn bridge finally.
My stomach was queasy as I thought of the many cab rides I'd had on this bridge, with no panties on and a man shoved inside me. How could Britt love me when thoughts like that still haunted me?
I pulled out my phone and texted Sandra immediately.
Britt needs her spousal support in a lump sum-Ana
Sal, I need you to sign off on something today-Santana
Why?-Sandra
So she can move out. I want to be home.-Ana
I had to make it about me or Sandra would hesitate. I knew that about her.
Will I be hearing from Sandra?-Salvatore
Yes.-Santana
Okay.-Salvatore
...
...
...
How much?-Sandra
Is this a trick?-Ana
No. I agree with you. How much?-Sandra
Hold on-Ana
B?-Ana
What's up?-B
You were right.-Ana
Yet another person that needed to be buttered up. She was easier to figure out though.
We parked outside the gallery and Celia pulled out her phone too, probably texting Q.
I was?-B
Being apart is going to be good for us. Want to pay you out so you can get a place. How long until you get paid from work?-Ana
Really?-B
Yes. How long?-Ana
2 months-B
Okay, once I give the okay to Sandra and Sal, it will get transferred to you-Ana
OMG, thnks!-B
Let me know if you need help finding a place-Ana
OK.-B
Hey. 3 month lump sum then after that, monthly payments-Ana
I need a number-Sandra
5100-Ana
Okay, I'll call Sal-Sandra
"Holy shit, when I said lump sum I didn't think it'd be that much." Celia said.
I looked over at her and could see that she was hovering over my shoulder.
"We live in New York, that should be enough for first, last, and security. After that she's gonna have to work with her paycheck and the $1700 a month that I give her until the January. Sandra won't let me pay her for longer than we were married."
"Fair enough but does she know that's all you can give her?"
"It's more than generous but no, I didn't tell her that."
"Maybe you should."
I shrugged, choosing to let future Santana deal with it.
"Nah."
"Call her right now, Ana, seriously."
"It won't matter if we end up together in six months."
"But if you don't, then what?"
"Fine, you're right."
"I know that."
I stared down at my phone for a long time, feeling nervous to call the woman that I had shared so much with over the years...in the past calling her was easy but we weren't those same girls.
"Yes?" She sounded annoyed even though I had just essentially made it easy for her to leave me.
"Do you have a second?"
"I guess so, Isaac is watching Elmo."
"Then you definitely have a second." I chuckled but she cleared her throat.
"What is it? Did you change your mind?"
"What? No, I just wanted to be transparent with you."
"That's a first." She mumbled and I tried not to let it get to me. I didn't want to be those kinds of exes.
"We were married for six months, so I just want you to know that spousal support is only for the length of our marriage."
"So? What does that mean?"
"I am only obligated to support you until January. After that, you won't get any more payments."
"Oh."
"I'm paying you three months up front. So you'll get $1700 a month until January. Okay?"
"Unless..." She began and I felt my heart drop.
"Unless what?"
"If I get full custody, you'll have to pay child support...that's what my lawyer says."
I wanted to argue with her but I was tired and I didn't want to have this kind of fight.
"Is 50/50 not enough?"
"Not with you calling me and texting me to check in...no it's not."
"That's not what this is!" I growled.
"If you say so. Look, I'm wasting my time talking to you. Just have Sal call my lawyer with any money stuff. I don't really want to talk to you. It's too much."
"Oh...um...okay then."
"Bye Santana."
"Bye Br-" She hung up before I could finish saying her name and I felt like I was sinking.
"I'm sorry that I made you call." Celia said.
"No, I needed this...it's okay. Can we go inside now?"
"We can do this another time if this is too much."
"I need to get this energy out before the tremors start. Just let me sit at the piano and give me some paper and a pen. Okay?"
"Anything you want, sure."
I didn't speak to Brittany again until Saturday morning when she showed up at Sandra's looking sad as she handed the car seat to my sister at the door.
"Are you not coming in? Santana is in the kitchen?"
I stood in the hall peaking out at Britt, our eyes met and she shook her head.
"He had a doctor appointment, they have him on daily treatments. One before bed and one after breakfast. He just had one so he's probably going to sleep for a while."
"Why didn't you tell me about the doctor? I would have come." I said as I stepped behind my sister and Britt looked at me with cold eyes.
"I handled it."
"He's my son, Britt...I want to be there for appointments just like I would make sure you were there if I went."
She nodded when Sandra cleared her throat.
"Right, I'll make sure I call next time. I'm gonna go."
"Wait, we are supposed to spend today as a family!" I said but she shrugged.
"I am seeing some places today."
"Let me come with you."
"I'm a big girl, I can handle it."
"Let me keep Isaac here, so he can rest. Britt let her go with you, she won't let anyone take advantage of you. They see a single woman and they try to charge you more, trust me." Sandra said and just like that, Britt's wall came down a little.
"Fine, if you're coming, let's go. I don't want to be late."
When we got outside, the only car out there was mine and I knew she hadn't taken it for the last few days. The closest public transportation was a mile away.
Britt started walking towards the end of the driveway.
"Where are you going?"
"I caught the train here."
"Let me drive us, it will be faster."
"Fine."
"Did you walk a mile with the car seat and baby bag?" I asked as she started walking towards the car.
"It's good exercise."
I shook my head and climbed into the car without another word.
There was no way I was going to argue with her today.
We could be civil.
At least, I could be.
Once we were alone in the car, she seemed to breathe a little easier and I was grateful for it.
I turned up the stereo and started driving towards the city, without knowing where we were going.
"You can just take the car to the house and we can catch the train or walk from there. I need to know how to get there without a car."
"Okay."
"That's it, no arguing?"
"Nope, it's a good idea."
She huffed and then started to dance in her seat to a Britney song.
I sang along, not bothering to ask her anything or tell her anything.
The drive to the house was easy at this hour, thankfully. As I pulled into the driveway, I felt a sense of calm cover me.
Being home had been something I hadn't been able to enjoy in a week and I missed my bed...my closet...my shower.
Sandra was a saint for letting me stay but after Sunday dinner tomorrow, I was coming home whether Britt was still here or not.
"You miss it." She said and I turned towards Britt, not realizing she'd been watching me.
"I do."
"Hopefully, I can get one of the places so that you can come home."
"We'll get you the best deal, so you can handle it on your own when the time comes."
Her ears got pink and I looked away, knowing that a snarky comment was coming.
"Always about the money...isn't it?"
I didn't answer, instead I slid from the car and marched towards the kitchen door without looking back at her.
"Gotta pee and then I'll be ready." I said to her over my shoulder as I unlocked the door.
Only my key wasn't working.
"Sandra had the locks changed."
Britt looked smug as she pulled my key from the lock and slid hers in, twisting it easily.
"Well where is my key?"
"Inside, didn't think you'd be coming home with me or I would have brought it."
Her moment of being in control seemed to wipe away her attitude. I had almost forgotten how much she liked to be in control of everything with us and how out of control she felt when I was being selfish and independent. It seemed like she could do whatever the fuck she wanted but when I started doing and thinking for myself she had a problem.
Maybe she hated Marco but she was just like him and that was on me.
I fed into her control issues for the rest of the morning, letting her lead us to the apartments. Waiting for her to ask for her help before I made suggestions.
And the only time that I spoke up was because she was giving me that look that meant she needed saving.
"So this one bedroom, one bath in this part of Lincoln Heights is going to be $2500 a month." The realtor said, not even bothering to look up at B.
She gave me a look because she had purposely only gotten appointments with places that were half that much.
"Bill, can I call you Bill." I said rounding on him until we were just a few feet from each other, I crossed my arms over my chest and glared. "I know for a fact that this apartment, is rent controlled for the next two years and I happen to know the owner of this very building."
He looked unsure but when I say that I've fucked around...well I have.
"Surely you don't." He was looking down on me.
So I pulled out my phone and scrolled until I got to a contact that I hadn't talked to in forever and put it on speaker.
"Hello?"
"Vincent Giametti, please. Tell him it's Santana Lopez."
Hold music came on and the realtor started getting red in the face.
"Santana! Long time no speak, what can I do for you love?"
"Hi Vinny! I'm back in the city and I've been looking for apartments to sublet. I know you own like 50 buildings in Lincoln Heights."
"Yeah, what can I do you for kid?"
"I'm standing in one of your apartments with a realtor, Bill Morgan and he says that this one bedroom is $2500 a month."
"Is that right?"
"Yes, I just wanted to confirm."
I heard him shuffling papers and then he cleared his throat.
"Is that the Carter building?"
"Yeah."
"No, he's got his numbers wrong. That place is just $1350 but I can cut the price if that's too much for you."
I looked at B and she looked halfway between nauseous and murderous.
She knew why I was connected to this man and I knew she wanted to do this on her own but at the same time, $1350 was a steal in this part of the city. She nodded her agreement.
"Actually it's for a friend of mine, she's a choreographer on Broadway. I wanted to make sure she didn't get screwed over."
"Makes sense. Tell ya what, since you gotta deal with this bozo and your Nico's girl...shame what they did to him...I'll call it even at $1200 and don't you let that douche bag ask for a commission."
"Seriously, Vinny? That's amazing. You know she was supposed to be renting that place above the diner but you know crime scene and all."
The realtor looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him whole.
"Fucking shame that was, you tell her she can take the keys from the realtor this minute. Rents on the 15th of the month. Only need first month and security. Sound good?"
"Yeah, when can she move in?"
"Now if she wants. The door man is an ex marine so if she's feeling unsafe tell her she's got nothing to worry about."
"Thanks Vinny. That guy, his name was Bill Morgan, you said?"
I looked at the realtor and raised an eyebrow, putting my hand out to him.
He dropped the keys in my palm.
"Let him be, Vinny, he was just trying to make a buck."
I ended the call with Vinny and then walked to the front door and pulled it open, waving the realtor out into the hall before slamming the door in his face.
"Wow." Britt said, tears leaking down her cheeks as she glared at me. "Is there anyone in New York you haven't fucked?"
She knocked the wind out of me with that statement.
"I never, not with Vinny."
"You sure about that?"
"Positive, he's an associate of Nico's was always at the diner. Wanted to make sure I had a place to land if Marco put me out on my ass. He doesn't even know Marco...at least not that I know of."
"You sure about that?"
"Yeah."
Once she was sure I hadn't fucked Vinny, she pressed me back against the front door and kissed me hard.
And because I'm horny all the time and I've missed her...I gave into the kiss.
Then her knee was between my legs rubbing up against me and I moaned.
"No strings." She growled against my face.
"Okay, B...no strings."
"Take your pants off and hop up on the counter for me." She said, sweetly.
I followed her into the kitchen and did as she said while she washed her hands.
The counter top was cold as my bare ass rested on it but I didn't have time to complain because she was leaning over me and sinking her fingers into me only seconds later.
"Fuck!" I groaned.
"Did you miss me, baby?"
"Yesss." I hissed as she moved her fingers slowly.
I rested my head back against the cabinet as she sucked and bit on my neck and shoulder.
Over and over she brought me to orgasm until I was a quivering mess.
She seemed satisfied with herself when I squirted, soaking the counter and her hand.
While she felt victorious, I felt dirty.
When had we become so transactional?
She was thanking me for getting her a place and essentially paying for that place too.
I felt like a whore...her whore and that was something I was tired of being. Right then, I knew that this couldn't happen again. The next time we went there, I needed to know it was because of love and not as some warped version of a thank you. She treated me like shit all the time now and even the look in her eye as she washes her hands, her eyes skimming over me like a piece of meat makes me think twice about making this a regular thing.
Once I was on my feet, I pulled up my pants and then walked into the bathroom, locking the door. She was on the phone, probably talking to her mother about her new place, which gave me the time that I needed to clean myself up. I stripped back out of my pants and climbed into the shower. There was no soap yet but this wasn't my first rodeo.
How many times had I rushed to the bathroom after a job just to wash away the feeling of being nothing more than disposable and worthless.
I silently sobbed as I washed myself quickly, I was still sensitive and needy. So I rubbed my fingers softly against my clit until I came, nearly biting through my lip as I thought of the happier times that we'd been together. I needed to replace this feeling but not even this helped.
"Ana?" She called out and then jiggled the handle.
I turned off the water and then pulled my jeans over my damp legs, nearly crashing into the wall as I finally got them over my ass.
"Hold on a sec." I said before pulling the shower curtain closed and turning on the sink. I washed my hands and then ran them over my face and hair, grateful that I hadn't worn makeup today.
When I came out of the bathroom, she was smiling at me and then reached past me to shut off the bathroom light.
"Can you believe this is all mine?" She asked as she took my hand in hers.
"It's amazing, B."
"Thanks for your help."
"You're welcome. Do you want to maybe shop for some furniture? You are going to have more than enough left over to get a few things."
"That's a great idea...let's go. Maybe you can talk them into giving me a bed for free."
I smirked and then let her keep control as she led us out of the apartment.
This day couldn't end soon enough, then I thought of what was waiting for me back at Sandra's.
My son.
The one she has hinted at taking full custody of.
And I knew, that playing nice with her right now was my only option.
She had a job, a place, and no criminal record.
I was a drug addict who had endangered my son and had a record in both Lima and New York.
This was a fight I didn't want to chance losing.
So I'd need to play her game.
Even if it hurt.