Chapter 19: 50 ft. (Lauren Juaregui)
When Marco had choked me out a year ago, the drugs combined with the force he was using knocked me out. This time, I remained awake. I was sitting on the floor against the wall cradling my belly and watching.
Celia had tackled Britt and shoved her face into the ground so hard I was pretty sure her nose was broken with all the blood on the floor. Britt wasn't putting up a fight as Celia twisted her arm behind her back and laid on top of her.
Mami and Sandra were scrambling around me. Sandra was talking to me, taking my pulse and then she was lying me down onto my back and holding the sides of my head while Mami placed my hands over my baby bump and then kept her hands on top of mine. Sandra had her hands cupped over my ears as she spoke to me but I couldn't really hear anything.
I knew this technique of holding onto my head from that CPR class that Sue made us take. Stabilize the neck and try to keep the person awake and talking but I couldn't. My words and my voice had left me.
And even though I wasn't answering her questions, she kept talking. I was focusing on her lips and eyes, then I saw the tears and I thought of her baby growing and feeling all of this stress.
My daughter had been deprived of oxygen just like me...she was being too still and it made me nervous.
Please baby please.
Then there were more people moving around, all of a sudden, Sandra was gone and I was getting fitted with a neck brace and being lightly put on a board. As they put me on a gurney, I finally heard crying.
Isaac.
"MA MA MA MA MA!" He screeched and more tears came.
I wanted to turn my head towards his cries for me but I couldn't. I tried to call to him but I couldn't make a sound without the feeling of shattered glass in my throat.
His cries dwindled and then there was the bright light of the morning sun before being lifted into an ambulance.
I felt so alone, so betrayed, and stupid.
How could I walk right back into a situation where I could be victimized like this?
She'd said to me, she can fuck up and I'll take her back but if I fall in love, there's no hope for her.
What she failed to realize is that I was in love with someone else...two people actually.
Isaac and my sweet baby girl...I'd choose them over her every fucking time.
The paramedics were talking to someone and then I felt the coolness of my mother's hand.
I cried more when I could finally feel the baby moving around, she moved a little slower than normal but still she was letting me know that she was okay.
The tears were cold on my face as we left the ambulance.
Everyone kept talking to me but still it was like I was wearing earmuffs. Only some sounds were filtering through.
I already knew from experience that me being pregnant was going to limit the amount of things they could do to help.
But this was New York City, surely the doctors were some of the very best.
I blinked and then I was being shocked alive.
The heaviness of a tube down my throat and the heavy feeling of my body was the first things I noticed as the bright lights of a room, got my attention.
I wasn't in the ambulance anymore.
My first instinct was to feel for my baby bump but I couldn't, my arms were so heavy.
Then I closed my eyes again and tried like hell to open them again.
But I couldn't.
I had to surrender to the darkness or everything hurt. The time in the darkness was like floating in a pool of coolness and lightness. There exists only one other time that I felt this kind of darkness and bliss, it was when I collapsed on the ground of Marco's penthouse with a heroin needle stuck in my arm.
Only then, everything burned, I had been floating on a lake of fiery lava instead of this coolness.
How could this happen?
Why was I here?
What...why?
There was beeping and then the heaviness lifted off of my arms, replaced with thousands of needles and pain.
But why?
I was floating, higher and higher.
Brightness took over my vision, one eye then another, back and forth.
At first it was a trickle...sound coming down a tunnel.
The whine and crackle in my ears as I floated.
Isaac...my baby was trying to grow...trying to live and I had hurt him.
My fault.
My fault.
My eyes hurt as I opened them and tried to get my head together.
This hospital was new...there weren't cornfields across the street. Just lights.
What kind of dream was this?
My stomach felt stretched and was rumbling.
I rubbed my small belly and was surprised that it felt so big.
When had that happened?
The headache that plagued me wouldn't let me remember why I was here.
Where was Britt?
Hadn't I given her this chance to fix things? She should be here.
Had I overdosed again?
What the fuck was happening?
I slapped the nurse button, hoping that Dr. J would come in to piece things together.
But instead two white women came in.
"Hi Santana, Dr. Gruben is going to check your vitals and then I'll check on your little girl."
Boy.
I thought but maybe this lady was wrong.
But apparently she wasn't?
"Your neck has healed beautifully, I'm going to take out this breathing tube. There will be discomfort and you may not be able to speak right away, just try not to bite down."
I closed my eyes as the tube was pulled from my throat and I gagged really loud. Spit dribbled out of my mouth and I took a deep breath once it was gone.
My throat ached badly so I didn't try to speak. I just looked at this doctor and tried to focus on what she was saying.
Over a month in a coma.
Nearly Thanksgiving.
Ex-wife...what?
At that I couldn't resist.
"Ex-wife? Wh-who?"
I asked.
She gave the other doctor a look and then said something about paging neurology.
"Santana do you know where you are?"
"Hosp-p-pital." I stuttered out not able to get the word to come out like it sounded in my brain.
"What city?" She asked and my head hurt.
"Lima."
She scribbled more and then began taking vitals, asking questions along the way.
"What year is it?"
"2012."
"Do you know the month?"
"Uh...February?"
I saw more doctors, was asked more questions.
Anoxia...Retrograde Amnesia.
Possibly temporary...possibly not?
Bring in her son.
Son?
Isaac was here?
Then who...was this?
A new baby?
A daughter?
I hugged my belly and wept.
No one could tell me how I got to New York City...or they wouldn't.
They wanted me to see family one at a time.
My brain couldn't be overwhelmed.
I'd graduated.
Gotten married again.
Divorced twice.
I was 19 now?
All I could do was hold onto my big baby belly and cry.
The tears sent me into coughing fits.
I had asthma...since when?
Why?
Drugs, it had to be drugs.
Fuck, was Britt mad at me, is that why she wasn't coming to see me?
The first person I saw was Mami, she looked older and frailer then I remembered, she was twisting her hands together as she tried to smile at me but that didn't last very long after I uttered her name. Well more like stuttered.
"Ma-Ma-Mami."
She wrapped me in her arms gently, like I was just a baby again. She smelled different, spicier but the base scent was the same. She brushed her fingers through my hair and her finger got stuck.
"Oh my, it's so matted...do you want me to brush it, beba?"
"Y-yes." I breathed out against her neck, enjoying the smell of her. Then the tears came when her hand touched my belly. She rubbed so gently and then pulled back and kissed my tears before wiping at my cheeks.
"Okay, mi'ja. Sit here a moment and I'll go see if I can find a brush."
"N-no. Do-don't lea..." I couldn't remember what I wanted to say to her...it left me just as quickly as it came.
"Okay, I'll stay."
She sat down next to my bed and held my hand in hers.
"I-I-Isaac?" I asked.
"Oh, he's with Quinn and Celia at your house."
"My h-h-house?"
"I brought pictures. The doctors say they might help your memory."
She pulled out her phone and climbed next to me on the bed.
I rested my head on her shoulder as she brought up a picture of a beautiful white stone house with a black door that had a beautiful monogram L on it. The house was beautiful but I couldn't get myself to remember it.
"N-nice."
"And..." she scrolled to the next picture of a smiling baby with two teeth, the bluest eyes, black beautiful curls and my face. "This is Isaac. He's almost eight months and he misses his Mami so much."
The tears came down and I tried like hell to remember giving birth, kissing his face, what he smelled like...anything but there was nothing.
She showed me a picture of him from apparently just before things happened. I still didn't know what those things were, mind you, I hated that they were playing coy but hopefully Mami would tell me.
There he was in my arms, a little smaller, with more drool. I kissed his face and I looked so happy. So satisfied with him in my arms and my baby bump was a bit smaller. I looked so happy.
"I-I ca-can't...re-re-me-member my b-b-baby." I was crying again and my throat hurt.
"Okay, that's enough for today, mi'ja...don't get worked up okay. You'll remember him. Do you want me to bring him here?"
"Y-Yes."
"Ok, just breathe. You're so close to being able to go home, I don't want you to be set back."
"H-Home?" I couldn't imagine living in New York again, this time by choice and in my own house, no less. "B-Britt?" I asked her and her face went pale.
"Tomorrow, when I bring Isaac. We can talk more. You look tired. Rest for now."
"I-I am. S-stay?" I asked her and she put her phone on the side table before pulling me against her. The warmth of her body seemed to bring mine back to life a bit.
My next visitor came later in the day after I had eaten dinner with Mami's help and then she'd gone to get a brush for my hair.
"Q." I was so happy to see her face, even if her hair was as dark as mine and her lips were painted a ruby red.
"S. It's good to see you, baby girl." She said as she hugged me tight. Her smell was also different, she smelled like someone that I knew...but who?
"H-hobbit?" I asked and she rolled her eyes.
"Oh honey, we broke up so long ago. I'm sleeping with Celia now...all the time."
"Oh. I-I g-gave b-b-blessing. Y-your b-b-birthday."
"You sure did. I'm glad you remember that. One less thing to explain. She's amazing. Thanks for her." I was shocked by just how open she was now, is this what being with my sister and away from Lima had done for her? I liked it.
"I-Isaac?"
"When you were in the coma, I brought him here so that he could give you kisses, in hopes you'd wake up. Now though, Gladys wants to be the one to bring him which I get. The doctors are big on not setting you backwards."
"B?" I asked and she bit her lip.
"Did this." She said to me and I was in disbelief.
"N-no." I said, defiant.
Q didn't get to say another word because Mami came in with a brush and some detangler. She seemed surprised to see Quinn sitting with me but she didn't say anything as she stepped around her coldly.
There was a rift between them.
And then Q leaned in and kissed my cheek.
"It was good seeing you, S. I'll come by again tomorrow. I love you."
My throat ached so I held up the sign for I love you and she smiled huge.
I'd learned it when we had worked with that choir for the deaf a million years ago with Britt.
Who had done this to me?
Is that why she hadn't come?
"Ma-Mami?" I called when Quinn was gone and she was grunting her way through a knot.
"Yes, amor."
"Britt? Sh-she p-put me h-here?"
"Shit. She was not supposed to tell you about anything to do with that day. See if she's allowed back here." Mami grumbled.
"S-stop." I said putting my hands to my head. "H-hurts." She'd been brushing extra hard and yanking my neck which still ached.
"I'm sorry...so much has happened since that day...and...I'm sorry, mi'ja. So sorry."
"W-Why?"
"I don't want to get you worked up."
"T-tell me." She went to brush again but I pulled away. "P-please?"
I held in my breath as she came back around the bed and sat on the edge, putting my hand in her lap.
"After everything, Quinn has been letting Brittany see Isaac and I'm against it. Not after...she doesn't deserve to see him."
"D-Did I l-let her s-see him?" I asked.
She looked at me and sighed, nodding her head.
"You did, even when things were bad between you, you never kept Isaac from her."
"T-Then Q, d-did w-what I-I w-want." I said, trying to give my most serious face.
"Okay, I won't be so petty. I'm sorry."
I squeezed her hand.
"I-I'm s-scared too." I said and then gave her my best smile. "B-but I t-trust Q."
"I knew you'd say that. You're awake now, I can relax a little. Lo siento."
"N-no I-Isaac t-til I-I c-can t-t-talk."
She looked sad but she nodded in agreement. I didn't want him to see me like this
So broken.
Once Mami calmed down, I let her finish brushing my hair before she sat with me through speech therapy.
There were so many doctors, therapists and a psychologist.
Apparently, I had been sober for six and half months but the tremors were back because my brain had reverted because of that, I had a drug counselor now but she didn't make me talk.
Instead, we colored together as she talked to me about the steps.
Then there was my obstetrician who I couldn't quite trust...not all the way.
So when she came in I refused to open my legs and said plainly, "R-Ramirez."
It took a whole four days of me being fully awake before Dr. Ramirez was able to rearrange her schedule to come to New York.
And when I saw her I wanted to jump from the bed to hug her.
"Tears? Really, did you need me that bad? You have no idea how good it makes me feel that you picked a small town girl like me over a rock star like Cabot."
I smiled at her and opened my arms, she smirked at Dr. Cabot who was standing against the wall with her arms crossed as she watched us hug. I could tell that she was annoyed and I didn't care.
Right now, I needed to be comfortable and I didn't know that bitch.
Dr. Ramirez wiped my tears away and then held out her hand for my chart and Dr. Cabot stood there red faced but she finally handed the chart over. "I'm still staying, she and her baby are my patients."
"Cool your jets, Cabot, I'm just here at her request. I have no plans to step on your toes...but I mean, she was mine first. Why don't you just take notes, so that I don't mess up your precious process any further."
Dr. Cabot seemed to relax as she hovered just beyond Dr. Ramirez and acted as her assistant even though from what I could tell she was older.
I relaxed as she put my feet up in the stirrups and then got to work down there.
There was a knock on the door and then Mami popped her head in. I waved her over and she came excitedly over to me and took my hand.
"Did I miss anything?"
"L-love s-spat." I said and both doctors got red faced.
I knew it!
They were definitely suppressing an attraction.
If they found love because of my vagina, I would never let either of them live it down.
My baby girl was showing no signs of trauma but they wouldn't know for sure until she was born in January. I had just over a month and a half to go as we neared December.
From the sounds of it, I hadn't made it that far with Isaac, he'd been premature for reasons that no one has explained to me.
"F-father?" I asked Mami and she bit her lip. "N-no m-more lies."
I would be going home in one week and would need to know what the world looked like now. The last I could remember I was just barely holding on to my pregnancy, I was still in a cast and I had been tentatively back with Britt...Marco was still hovering around. I was still addicted to drugs...heavily...I'd taken drugs back in January.
"His name was Ian Perkins. He loved Isaac whole heartedly. He died in August."
"Oh." God, I was a slut...and if this guy killed himself, obviously he had some issues. Glad I don't have to deal with that kind of stress on top of everything else.
"T-this h-his b-baby?" I asked and I could tell she didn't want to say.
"No." The no nonsense tone told me to stop asking. So I did...for now.
How was Isaac now?
Dr. Ramirez would know.
She was taking notes and talking to Dr. Cabot with their heads together and then she finally came over to me and Mami.
"How is she?" Mami asked.
"Perfect from what I can see. Her growth is right on track and she's moving around just like normal. She's starting to turn in preparation for birth although, I'm not quite sure you will have a breezy natural birth after your cesarean earlier this year."
I looked at her in confusion because I knew nothing at all. Mami saw that and spoke up for me. "You can tell her Vero, she trusts you and you're the only other person that was there every step."
"B?" I asked and Mami let out a deep sigh.
"She was there every step too...just in a different way."
I looked at Dr. Ramirez and she looked over at Dr. Cabot. "Can you get her cleaned up and comfortable, I need to get my notes sent to me from her last pregnancy. I should be back in five if my receptionist can tear herself away from Candy Crush."
After seeing the way that Dr. Cabot seemed so willing to help, I didn't get weird when she began to clean the goo off of me and helped me get settled. She came over to the other side of the bed and tucked her hands in her pockets.
"I know that for you, I am a complete stranger. I want to let you know that you chose me because I reminded you of a stricter version of Dr. Ramirez. You were originally assigned to my associate and you demanded that I be your doctor. Since you became my patient, I have invested my time into your history and your present. I hope that over time you can learn to trust me again. I'd hate to lose you as a patient. I plan to be with you every step of the way and will do everything to give you the best birthing experience."
She looked like she wanted to cry but also kinda pissed and I decided that I liked her right then.
"Y-you're h-hired." I said and then held my shaky hand out to her and she took it. She looked relieved and a little smug as she squeezed my hand. Dr. Ramirez came in around then and hesitated in the doorway.
"Couldn't wait to swoop in on my girl?"
"Nope." Dr. Cabot said and then sat down by the bed. "Also, as her doctor, I'd like this complete history as the person that will be there through labor and delivery."
"Okay, cupcake chill, right now I want to make sure that Santana is ready to hear what I'm going to share with her."
I nodded and then took Mami's hand in mine.
"Yes." I said, it was the first time that I was clear in my speech in the weeks since I'd been awake.
"Mind if I sit?"
"S-sit." I said feeling nervous.
She held her tablet and began to read her notes almost mechanically.
"In the days that led up to Isaac's birth you had trace amounts of cocaine in your system, barely detectable but there nonetheless. You were underweight, even with gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. On April 7, 2012, you were admitted to the hospital at 3:55 am." She hesitated and then let out a sigh. "I was informed that your water broke unprovoked and there was slight bleeding. Soon after you were admitted, we discovered more cocaine in your system and that the baby was in life-threatening distress. Despite our best efforts to try to sustain your pregnancy, we decided fairly quickly that you needed an emergency cesarean as you were too weak to attempt at natural birth. Brittany remained with you through the birth and cut the umbilical cord. Isaac was born without breath and weighed just under 4 pounds. Once he began breathing there was a noticeable tremor in his body, he experienced withdrawal for months afterwards. You bled out on the table and were given several transfusions after you were resuscitated. Social services was contacted but did not arrive until after you had voluntarily signed your rights to Isaac over to Brittany."
"R-Rehab?" I asked.
"Yes, you chose to go from birthing straight into rehab. You stayed there for 14 days and then relapsed shortly after leaving the center. After you graduated, you completed a longer program and have maintained your sobriety ever since."
"G-good. W-what else h-happened?"
"Well, you developed a vaginal canal infection but we caught it early. Isaac remained in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit until June 3rd, 2012. He has severe asthma and as of yet, he seems to only have that issue. He's cognitively on track and is developing well, although he is smaller than other babies his age. He's a fighter and while there may be some lasting side effects from your drug usage, with early intervention, he should live a fairly normal life."
I let out a sob and dropped my face into my hands.
"Fuck." The second word I said without a stutter. I rubbed my belly and then looked at Dr. Ramirez for a long moment and then turned to Dr. Cabot. Once again she looked smug that I was turning to her. "S-same as...I-Isaac?" I asked her and she let out a deep breath and smiled at me.
"No. With this pregnancy, you have met every single one of my orders...you slipped up there at the end with following them by taking yourself off bed rest but there hasn't been a single bad blood or urine test. In the beginning, after knowing of past drug history, I had you taking those tests every week but we got lax as you gained the weight that I asked you to gain and thensome. I asked you to get to 115 pounds and you came in at 133. Your blood pressure has been steady for the most part and other than that short stint of bed rest, your pregnancy has been healthy. You stressed to me that you wanted things to be different this time, that you didn't want to put another baby through pain. So we have been working together to make sure that has happened."
"T-thank G-God." I said. The baby kicked hard and I poked at that spot, she kicked again and I chuckled.
I'd gotten my shit together...why on Earth had Brittany fallen apart?
It took four weeks from the time that I woke up for me to be able to form a full sentence, Mami kept asking if she could bring Isaac or one of my sisters but I said no. I didn't want anyone to see me like this.
Especially not my son.
But then, people started decorating for Christmas and I clearly remembered talking to my baby bump on Christmas Eve...how I wanted his first Christmas to be. The doctor's were waiting on me to let them know when I was ready.
I was already walking again, slow and steady. I got winded walking across the room but I was able to stand through a shower now. It was hard to see how I fully recovered because I was eight months pregnant and as big as a yacht even though Mami told me that I looked like I was five months, maybe. Of course, I had no point of reference. I couldn't remember the end of my last pregnancy.
It was the day after the first snow and I could see the white from my window and finally, I felt ready.
"Mami?"
"Yes, beba?"
"Did y-you dec-decorate m-my h-house?"
"Yes, everything but the tree. It's been hard for me to go back to the house but I made an exception for you. I was hoping you'd be home before Christmas to do it yourself for Isaac's first Christmas. I know you don't want to see him in this hospital bed but maybe you'll let me bring him soon?"
"I want to g-go home." I said and her eyes went wide.
Not once had I said that I wanted to go home.
There wasn't much I knew and I was hoping being in my house, with my son would trigger some memories.
Mami though, looked at me in concern.
"You should know, that the incident happened in your house, Nanita. Are you sure you want to go back there?"
"Yes. It's time."
"Okay, I will alert your doctors and therapists to prepare you for discharge. In the meantime, why don't you show me how you can get up and walk across the room."
I nodded and then slowly, sat up and turned myself so that my feet dangled over the edge. Then with the practice of weeks of therapy, I stood to my feet and then took a deep breath. I reached for Mami but didn't take her hand, I just wanted to know she was there just in case.
We took it one step at a time and after a few moments, I made it to the bathroom door feeling a little sweaty and breathless but there nonetheless.
On the day of my discharge, I saw for the first time since her first visit, my best friend and it made my heart so warm.
"Hey Q." I said and she grinned really wide.
"Hi. I'm here to get you dressed. Ready...did you shower?"
"Yes."
"Good, this should be easy then. There's a lot of snow out there so I brought your favorite boots!"
I smiled when I saw shoes that I recognized. Then I saw more stuff I recognized, my favorite eye liner and my glasses. My vision had been terrible but Mami refused to go back to the house so I had to settle with readers...until now.
When I put my glasses on things came more into focus. Now that there wasn't a blur around Q, there was a starkness to her.
"You need a t-tan. B-black hair w-washes you out."
"God have I missed you." She said as she finished unpacking her book bag that said Columbia on it.
"Y-you picked Co-columbia?"
"I did and I live with you. I help you guys take care of Isaac and I make sure that you eat...and are generally happy...or at least, I did."
"W-where is B?"
"She has an apartment that you got her after the divorce, she lives close to work down by the Hudson River. There's a restraining order right now so she can't come within 100 feet of the house or you. I've been taking Isaac to see her, you two had a 50/50 custody agreement. She gets him Wednesdays through Friday and you have him Sunday to Tuesday."
"S-satur-d-day?"
"You originally wanted a family day, to show you're untied as a family still but that never really worked out."
"W-why d-divorce?"
"That is a long convoluted story. I've already told you way more than Gladys would like me to but when you're home, we can start talking through things little by little. You also kept updating your journal...remember the one I got you for Christmas?"
"Y-yes."
"You filled it and got another one."
"Wow."
"Yup, so you'll get to catch up on your own time with your own words and I'll be there. My classes are virtual so I will be your bitch until the new semester starts."
"T-thank you."
"I love you, San. I'd do anything for you...even be your go between with B."
"I-I miss her." I admitted and she sucked in a deep breath and then sighed.
"What's the last thing you remember, babe?"
"D-doing d-drugs. G-going to h-hospital in Lima. B h-had just m-moved in."
"That was such a dark time for you, I wish you'd gotten stuck in a happier time."
"M-me too."
Before I left the hospital my physical therapist came into the room with a black cane...when she'd suggested I use one since my mini-stroke had made me unsteady, I told her that I needed something fly and I just knew from the glint in her eye that she'd hook me up,
And so she brought me a cane I wouldn't be embarrassed to use. I'd just look like a pimp at most.
Q eyed it and then snickered.
"I know." I said and she winked at me.
"Knowing you, you'll rock it hard."
"Y-you know it." I grinned.
"So, your mom has barely been to the house and neither have your sisters, Celia meets me outside most of the time. Today though, they'll all be there to help you get acclimated and to hover. Is there anywhere you want to go before I subject to that because it's going to be a lot and they aren't expecting us for at least another hour."
"W-waffles." I said and her face dropped. "W-what?"
"Nico's is closed, do you know another place you'd want them from?"
"Closed? Why?"
"Maybe I can tell you about it later?"
"N-no. Y-you are the only one that d-don't lie, Q."
And so she told me as I sat there on the edge of the bed absorbing the heavy shit.
Nico was dead.
Carmen, who was heavily pregnant had gone into hiding.
Ari saved Britt's life.
Britt got shot in the shoulder but walked away from it.
I felt the tears come and Quinn looked overly concerned.
"S-stop, I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." I took a breath and then asked something else. "A-Ari is here?"
"Yes, after Ian's funeral you two reconnected. She is on a dance scholarship at NYU."
"T-take me to her?"
"Okay, I can do that."
We got to a dorm building that was called Brittany Hall and I couldn't help but laugh.
Quinn got Ari paged downstairs and I leaned against my cane and took a deep breath. I just needed my body to cooperate today. The last thing I wanted was to be treated like a victim, even if I was one.
My whole body woke up when I saw those golden curls framing her tan face. She smiled huge and felt more tears come to my eyes.
"You're out!" She said and then hesitated as she got closer, "Can I hug you?"
I took a deep breath and tried not to stutter. "P...Please?"
She pulled me into a deep hug and then whispered a prayer against my neck before taking a step back.
"Do you want to come upstairs?" She saw my cane and then shrugged. "There's an elevator and I live right across from it."
"Okay."
"I'm going to wait down here, you two go up." Q said and she winked at me.
What was I missing?
Ari took my free hand and slowly led me though the main doors into an elevator bank. She pushed the button and then turned toward me and brushed a hair out my face. "I know you don't remember anything about us reconnecting and you're a bit confused but know that I have no problem being your escape. You coming here first out of the hospital tells me that your heart and subconscious remember."
I couldn't stop blushing or smiling. She just knew me without me having to speak and it was a relief.
When we got behind the door to her room, she helped me to her bed and I sat there on the edge, watching her. She had her hands in her hoodie as she took a seat at her desk across from me.
"Y-you...sit here?" I said and she smirked.
"The last time we were in that bed together back in September, we made out for like an hour. You're healing and I want to respect you and your recovery. You don't remember really big moments in your life and the life you remember right now, isn't one I existed in."
"I-I know."
"So, I'm going to respect you and sit over here."
"Oh." I said and tried to pout and she rolled her eyes.
"That's never worked on me and you know it."
I shrugged.
"H-had to try."
"I know."
"Pl-lease?"
I could feel the tears and that she couldn't resist. She knelt in front of me and pressed her lips to mine. I wanted so bad to remember but not even this brought me back but that didn't stop me. I buried my fingers in her curls, like I'd always wanted.
She pulled back and then brushed my tears away with her thumbs before kissing me again.
When her phone buzzed, she nipped at my lip and I hissed.
"Shit, I'm sorry."
I sucked my lip into my mouth.
"M-more?" I asked and she shook her head.
"Times up, Q said you two need to get to the house. This was nice though, I know you hate how people hover when you're not feeling well...this doesn't have to mean more than comfort. I respect your life and your commitments, just know I'll be here whenever you need, however you need me."
"I know." I said and then held out my hand. She kissed it and then helped me to my feet.
Before she opened her door, she buried her hands in my hair and kissed me hard, I kissed her back and just before she pulled away, I nipped at her lip.
She laughed so hard there were tears in her eyes, or had those been there already?
The world was so weird now and instead of fighting it, I was giving in and hoping that my mind caught up.
When we got to the house, we pulled into the driveway...in New York City, I had found a driveway and garage? Go me!
"It should be easier from the kitchen since you really shouldn't be climbing stairs."
"N-nice car, Q." I said as I ran my hand over the leather.
"Thanks but this is yours. You traded in your convertible so you'd have room for Isaac."
"I did?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
"Ready?"
"Hi-Hiding places." I said and looked at her and then I tried to crane my neck around the car.
"I don't think you had any...if you did, where would you put it?"
I pointed to the driver door and she ran her hand over it until she found a little hole. She glared at me and then looked on my keys until she found a key that really just looked like a black lollipop stick. She pressed it into the hole and the side panel popped open.
But it was empty.
"Looks like you stayed honest."
"A-awesome."
When she helped me out of the car, I leaned against it while she grabbed my cane and bag.
"Q?" I said before she could move.
"Yeah?"
"H-how did you...Ari?" I said, too tired to try to get through my full thought.
"She told me and just from the look in her eyes, I knew...at some point you started giving your kisses to her instead of me."
"Y-you mad?"
"Nope. I'm happy that someone you have loved since you were 12, loves you back. Even if it doesn't pan out and for some insane reason, you and Britt do...I feel good knowing, that someone else outside your family has your back."
Nothing could have prepared me for the sheer amount of noise that existed in the kitchen alone. Mami was at the stove and talking over the loud music at my sister.
Sandra was mid potato peel when she saw me and then smiled.
When she came around the island, I could see a growing baby bump.
"B-baby?" I said to her and she nodded before hugging me.
"Come sit, I know you're probably tired."
"Y-yeah." I said and she helped me to a comfortable bench in an eating nook. I took a moment to look around the kitchen while Q updated Mami and Sandra on my discharge orders. I was running my fingers over the table top, feeling the faintest of memories.
Something about lollipops...what could that mean?
Q had slid across from me on the bench while Sandra went back to her peeling. I could tell they were consciously not crowding me and I appreciated it. Quinn looked apprehensive and I think I knew what she was waiting for. Mami had essentially put a gag order on her, she couldn't answer what wasn't asked. I'd noticed...and so I could tell she wanted to just talk like we always had...she just didn't want to disrespect my family.
Only, Q is my family...always has been and always will be. She's saved my life on countless occasions, the gag order needed to stop. I was home now and I made the rules.
"I-Isaac?" I whispered and she smiled huge.
"It's Friday, do you remember what I said about the custody arrangement?"
"B." I said and she nodded.
"I got her to agree to go half on Saturdays, so I will pick him up at noon and bring him home...unless you need more time and we can flip this week."
"No, noon t-tomorrow. Y-you will help me?"
"Yes."
I reached across the table and squeezed her hand. "Thanks."
"Luce?" Celia called from beyond the kitchen door, "Are you here?" Then the door swung open and seeing Celia's face triggered my emotions...I began crying and then stood from the table and held my arm out.
I didn't understand the overwhelming need to thank her and hug her but I just rolled with it. Like Ari said, my heart and subconscious knew something I didn't.
Celia wrapped me in her arms and rocked me from side to side gently. "Gracias a Dios!"
I buried my face against her shoulder and wept. She just rubbed my back and held me to her as I ugly cried.
When I stepped back from her, not only did she have tears in her eyes, so did Mami and Sandra as they stood around the island watching. I slid back onto the bench and wiped at my face with my sleeve and then laughed when Quinn looked at me in horror.
"You have given me entire lectures on using your clothes as a napkin." She said.
"I know."
"Do you want anything?"
"PJs." I said and she smiled, then stood and held out her elbow for me. "Be back." I said to Mami and my sisters as I leaned on my cane and took Q's arm.
"We have a this gorgeous guest bedroom just off the dining room, it has a bathroom and everything. I made sure that it would be ready for you."
She was the absolute fucking best.
As we headed out of the kitchen, I could see that we went into a gorgeous dining room and then the living room and stairs off to the right. I stopped our momentum as I looked towards the door...my heart sped up and I reached for my neck. I knew that Britt had hurt me and it had happened here, my body though knew even more. It knew that it happened in this very room.
"Okay, shit...come on...focus with me. Breathe...come on, San...please?" Q looked near tears when my eyes met hers again. I tried not to get myself worked up because I knew for sure that Mami had been on her about pushing me too far and I didn't want her to get scolded again.
"I'm f-fine." I whispered, my throat aching.
"Close your eyes." I did. "Take deep breaths."
And I did, thinking of her eyes filled with concern and finally my chest and throat relaxed. As she led us from the room, I kept my eyes closed and she walked so slowly, that I didn't feel exhausted by the time I heard the door close.
"Safe?" I asked.
"Yes."
I opened my eyes and smiled when I saw a gorgeous room that was so obviously decorated by me. There were bookshelves lining the wall next to and around the bed. I just stood there took it in.
"N-nice."
"Your pride and joy. B had a lot of say in your bedroom upstairs but you said that after you gave birth, you weren't going to want to climb the stairs so you designed this room as your second room."
"L-love it."
"Do you want to pick your pjs?"
"Yes." She pulled out three sets that all looked nearly identical. There was a black pinstripe one that looked fancy and I loved it. I pointed at it and she smirked. "What?"
"Sugar sent these for you...there are fluffy black slippers to match it."
"Sugar?"
She grinned at me and nodded, looking beyond amused.
"You had a two week long fuck fest with her back in September when you were in Lima. When you went into the hospital, she kept sending you flowers and candy that you couldn't eat...so I ate it. Sorry not sorry. Anyway, one of the last things she got you was a get well care package. I'm sure she splurged and your high standards caught on immediately."
"Wow...are we...you know?"
"Together? Ha! You were adamant that it was just a friends with benefits situation but you also assured me that she was a beast in the sack. Total top."
"I-I can't imagine." And then I sat on the bed and began to shimmy out of my boots, this belly was in the way of being able to do much else.
"Oh for the love of all things holy, just stay still, I'll do the work...after months of dressing Isaac, I've got this down to a science."
Quinn wasn't kidding, aside from me lifting up my butt or arms when she asked, I didn't have to do much at all.
She looked so satisfied with herself as she helped me to my feet.
"Ready to brave the walk back to the kitchen?"
"Pee." I said and she slapped her forehead.
"It's been hours of course. This in no way reflects on my bedside manner okay?"
"S-say less."
When we stepped out of the room, I squared my shoulders and held my head high. I would not be a victim.
The throat tightness still happened but it wasn't as bad as before, thank God.
When we got to the kitchen, Mami was putting the food out on the island buffet style.
"I have a night class, so I need to head upstairs...I'll be back down to help you get ready for bed, okay?"
Celia kissed Q and then handed her a plate and glass. "Good job babe, now go study. We got this."
The mood shifted as Q headed upstairs and left me with the Lopez women who had always been more than ready to strike.
I should know, I'm the same way but I could tell they were doing their very best to hold back.
And I'm not sure how my patience got after having a baby but it was so short right now. I wanted to snap but instead, I sat at the table and slowly scooped rice and beans on my spoon before bringing it to my lips.
My stomach growled as I chewed and I felt the baby kicking up a storm.
I know baby, Mami was tired of that yucky hospital food too.
I smiled to myself as I sat there slowly working through my food.
Then I got thirsty and had to use two hands to lift my cup. I was getting tired and nearly dropped the cup but Sandra was quick and placed her finger at the bottom of the cup, relieving some of the weight.
When I was finished drinking, I put the cup down and then sat back, rubbing my belly with my eyes closed.
I took a second before opening my eyes and turning to Sandra first.
"Hi." I said.
"Hey. Sup kid?"
"C-chillin."
"How can I help?"
"W-what h-happened?" I asked, looking only at her.
"A lot happened but you want to know about that day?" I nodded, she looked over at Mami and Celia, there was a reason I was asking her. Mami was mad about everyone and everything, she was too biased to tell me what happened without the emotion and Celia still made me want to cry, I wouldn't be able to hear what she had to say...not yet.
"We don't have to do this." Mami said and I shot her a glare. She nodded and slid out of the breakfast nook. "Fine, I don't want to do this...okay...it's...too much. I'll be upstairs." Mami kissed all of our cheeks, then kissed me once more and then tipped up my chin. I shivered and jerked back, a memory slammed into me.
Britt tipping up my chin until the crown of my head was level with the wall. I gasped for breath and bit on my already swollen lip. The thought of Ari biting it a little too hard made me focus on something else.
Mami looked terrified.
"B." I said to her and she understood, my chin...my neck...the actions were too much. Mami didn't go upstairs, she just cried silently with her back to us as she cleaned up the kitchen. I turned back to Sandra and nodded. "Please." I said, clearly.
I sat with my fists balled in my lap as Sandra told me what she knew. Mami had left me with Britt to go get Isaac. Celia had gotten here and everyone was catching her up. Then Isaac started crying, screaming like he was in pain.
"We all went inside and then Quinn saw it first, Brittany with her hand's around your throat. You were holding your belly with one hand and banging against the glass with the other hand until your wrist snapped. Celia kicked the door open and threw her body weight at Brittany, breaking her nose and re-injuring her shoulder as she twisted her arm behind her back."
So that was why I'd felt grateful to Celia, she'd saved me. I could also see that Mami hovering for all these weeks was partly guilt, she'd left me alone with Brittany. My lack of memory is what kept me from being angry. I just felt so sad. I was crying but I just nodded at Sandra to keep going.
"P-please?"
"Celia and Quinn stayed behind until the cops arrived. I took Isaac home with me after I secured your neck until the paramedics arrived. I kept Isaac by my side until Britt got released from jail and she got monitored visitation. They've cleared her in the last few weeks...she's kept him overnight the last two weeks. Gladys doesn't really sleep on those nights...I don't think any of us does."
"T-thank you. I owe y-you so m-much." I said through my tears. I felt so tired and just wanted to curl up in bed.
"No, we owe you. We have been all talk for the most part and haven't closed rank around you like we should have."
"D-don't. I-I'm okay."
"No." Celia said and finally I looked in her eyes and they were pleading and serious. "From here on out, we got you whenever, wherever. The moment we knew Marco had come back around we should have shut that shit down, baby daddy or not."
My body went cold as I rubbed my belly.
"W-what?!" My voice sounded tight and my heart was racing. God no, what had I done? "No...no m-more." I held up a hand and Celia stopped talking. Sandra was about to ream out Celia but I put a hand on her arm. "I-I just n-need t-time."