Chapter 20: Older Than I Am (Lennon Stella)

There was so much I wanted to say but I just needed to be alone. I pushed up from the table and wiped at my tears, before leaning on my cane. They all had something to say but I held my head high and pushed into the dining room. I stopped short when I put the puzzle piece together with the front door.

She'd lifted my head with her finger and I let her. My fear gave into her because I didn't think she'd go that far.

I had been stupid, I just wasn't sure how stupid I'd been.

My throat and chest were tight but I walked across the dining room and into the living room, I glanced at the couch and felt irritation. Then even though my instincts wanted me to run, I wasn't going to let myself be afraid.

I had faced bigger bogeymen than Brittany S. Pierce and won. I put my hand to the wall where a picture was. My heart was racing as I lifted the picture frame from the wall and let it drop to the floor when I saw more evidence of my fight. A circular dent...my head had hit the wall when I was struggling to breathe.

"San?" I was nearly breathless as I traced my fingers over the dent in the wall. "Santana." Q's voice filtered through and I finally turned towards her. She was biting her lip and giving me that cold stare that she sometimes got when she was holding back her tears.

"I-I'm tired." I said to her and she nodded, stepping on the broken glass on the floor to get closer to me. She held her hand out to me and I tried to smile but I had been pushed past a limit tonight.

"Just let me take care of you, come on."

And I did, I let her lead me back into the guest room and then she shut the door and rested against it.

"Y-you okay?"

"I love your family but sometimes I wish they'd leave. The last month has been a constant influx of them coming and going as they please. I know it's your house but I get zero privacy."

Through my tears I finally laughed and it felt so good.

"I-I'll fix it."

"Eventually, let them hover over you for a little longer. They need it, I get it...but once you are able to be your old self, I expect you to put your foot down."

"N-noted."

After helping me through a shower and into one of my favorite giant tshirts...Britt's shirt that still held good memories of her including her smell...it was twisted but somewhere in my mind they were separated, there was my Britt Britt and then there was the person who hurt me...a person that I didn't even know.

My Brittany would have never hurt me. The slushy had been as violent as she ever got.

I just couldn't reconcile the two people into one and I was kind of scared of the day that I remembered because I knew it would taint my good memories.

Q went to see off the family and clean up the broken glass while I looked through pictures on her phone. I had yet to see my own phone...did they think I'd message B?

When Q came back, I was sitting in bed reading Hunger Games, trying to see how it ended since I didn't remember how it finished, she smiled at me and then headed into the bathroom. She left the door open, letting me know that she was there if I needed but she was giving me space.

I had never been more grateful.

The hovering was making me a little nuts and she knew it.

I kept reading and then her phone chimed.

How is she?-B

I stared down at the text and felt my heart race with a mix of fear and excitement.

My hand hovered over the phone but then I heard the shower turn off and I scolded myself for wanting to break through the silence. If I was barely ready to be in the living room, then there was no way that I was ready to talk to Brittany.

Be cool, Lopez.

Be cool.

"You look like you're up to something, didn't think I'd see that look anytime soon. What's up?" Q said as she dried her hair with a towel.

"T-text."

She came over and picked up her phone, then she typed a quick response and turned her screen towards me.

Alive and curious about what happened.-Q

...

...

She hate me?-B

Quinn showed me and then waited for me to speak.

"Dis-dis..." I tried to say but the tears came.

She nodded and typed a quick response.

Disappointed. Emotional. Lost.-Q

I'll be at the theater at 12 sharp-Q

...

...

...

...

ok-B

Take care of her, Q.-B

Always!-Q

I slid down in the bed and curled into my old pregnancy pillow, that I had gotten when I was pregnant with Isaac.

Quinn slid in right behind me, her chin on top of my head as she held my hip loosely before kissing my shoulder.

"Rest, I'll be right here."

"Ok."

My sleep came quick and kept me under until the light shined down on my face. Not once since I woke up from the coma had I had a full night of sleep, with all the beeping and vital checks. Being there with Q at my back made me feel safe.

I woke up and rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling expecting glow in the dark I LOVE YOUs from B but this ceiling was black and had a chandelier hanging. It took me a moment to reorient myself to the present.

To this "new" reality.

I pushed myself up into a sitting position and was startled by Quinn sitting in the glider across from the bed, drinking coffee and reading a textbook.

"Hey." I said.

She looked up with a smile.

"Good morning sleepy head. How do you feel?"

"Okay."

"It's 10, I made you breakfast. Let me help you to the bathroom and into some clothes...then we can eat."

"Okay." She helped me out of bed and instead of letting me lean on her, she handed me the cane. I shook my head. "N-not yet."

She let me lean on her and helped me through my morning routine, even brushing through my hair for me. It was too long now, longer than I could ever remember it being.

"What are you thinking?"

"H-Haircut."

"Yeah?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Later this week, I'll take you to my girl."

I smiled at her and then rolled my eyes as she tried dressing me.

She pulled out pregnancy jeans and I remembered, packing them with drugs.

"N-no. T-trash." I said and she looked at me like I was crazy.

"Did you just remember something?"

"Y-yes. D-drugs."

"Well I washed all of your clothes and I guarantee there aren't any drugs in these pants. I think they were Carmen's."

The name made my heart warm.

"Okay."

I didn't fight the pants and was grateful for them because they supported my belly. It felt less heavy and I felt relief once I was finally on my feet.

"You look fucking fantastic in those pants."

I looked in the mirror and smiled. "I d-do."

Quinn hung out with me through pancakes and bacon...which she ate...cuz gross. Still.

When it was time for her to pick up Isaac, I wasn't surprised that Celia popped up to keep me company while Q left.

"Nervous?" She asked.

I shrugged as I paged through my journal from the time that I remember and then lost...I had written like I was being paid per letter. I left no space uncovered with music notes...lyrics and more important, reality.

The slushy shower.

Britt quitting tour for me.

My dream about my son asking me to save him.

So many fears about Marco popping up and ruining it all.

Doing drugs.

And B...so much was about me and Britt.

"Excited." I said distractedly.

"Can I suggest something?"

I looked at her and smiled, she was at the top of my good list, she could say whatever she wanted to me.

"S-sure."

"Music therapy. I bought this gallery in Brooklyn and there's this piano in our lobby that you loved. It's plexiglass and the first time you saw it, you played it for hours."

"I-I did?"

"Yes, so anytime you want to go play and just let your fingers guide you, I'll take you."

"Yes. I w-want to g-go."

"Great, whenever you're ready, even if it's every day, you got it."

"T-thanks."

I was making my way through cooking lunch with my sister's help. Q must have told her about my dislike of hovering because she only really jumped in when I needed her to. We made easy things, tomato soup and grilled cheese.

She then warmed up some baby food that Sandra made for Isaac...it was apparently his favorite. Of course, I had no memory of that or him. I was hoping though that today would be the beginning of remembering my son.

I started cleaning up the kitchen when my hand decided to stop working. I felt winded and lightheaded.

"Okay, screw not hovering. I'm going to need you to sit down and eat while I finish cleaning up."

And because I was tired, I didn't argue. I sat on the bench and rested my face in my arms on the table top.

"Ma? MA!" I lifted my head and there he was, my son in Q's arms. He was wearing a little Santa hat and reaching for me.

"H-he's m-mine?" I said to Q.

"Yup, he needs a change but you look exhausted."

"She is, let her eat. Go change him, that way he's a little calmer. I heated up food."

"Ki ki!" He screeched and Quinn smiled.

She dipped him until he was grabbing my face and dropping a wet kiss on my cheek, then another and I was nearly in tears but I held back for him. The last thing I wanted was for him to see me sad.

Quinn bounced and sang to him, he clapped his hands as she took him out of the kitchen.

"Anything?" Celia asked.

"No." I whispered, feeling like the absolute worst mother on the planet.

She pushed a plate in front of me, just grilled cheese and then glared that Lopez glare. "Eat. I'll tell her not to bring him to you until you are settled."

"No."

"Yes. Big sister knows best. So eat."

"Fine."

She left me alone to eat and I took a moment, to just pray.

Father, please, please help me to remember the good stuff. Help me remember my little boy and every amazing moment of his life. Forgive me for the anger that I feel and the frustration I'm showing...please don't turn your face from me.

I felt the peace fill me and then I let go of all the heaviness. Celia was right, I needed to eat and get myself in the right headspace before I tried to be anything for Isaac.

Quinn came back without Isaac and sat across from me, her face was serious and when she crossed her hands, I knew she was asking for permission to say her piece. I trusted her and I knew that she would never dump on me what I couldn't handle.

"I-I'm all e-ears, Q."

"A few things that we should talk about...I don't know if you're ready to hear them but it's important to know."

"Ok."

"First, Isaac is fine, she assured me but he had to get stitches on his leg." My heart began to race and I could feel that Mama Bear in me begin to respond, I remembered carrying him, even if I didn't remember him outside of my body. She reached over and grabbed my hand. "I looked and it looks good, just four stitches. She said he was standing up in her office and took his first steps...she dropped something sharp and he scraped himself going down."

"B-bullshit." I said, feeling anger surging in me.

"Breathe or I'll stop...please?"

I took a deep gulp of air and then bit down on my lip as I thought of how frightened he probably was. Poor kid.

"T-talk."

"She wanted to talk to you herself but I put my foot down about that. The restraining order is in place for a reason. She is on probation and I reminded her of that."

"G-good."

"Second, she has to go to California for a week and wanted to know if she could take him with her."

"No."

"And if you said no, she was going to just leave him with you for the week. Is that okay?"

"Yes."

"Last thing, she asked me to walk you through giving him a breathing treatment and wanted me to remind you that heavy perfumes and lotions bother his lungs and yours."

There was rage in my chest and it was entirely new to me. I had never felt this angry with Britt in my life, not even when she fucked Frankie and kissed Quinn...this anger was on a whole other level.

"Okay."

She pulled out a sheet of paper that was so obviously written by Britt because it was in crayon. I rolled my eyes. "W-what's t-this?"

"Cheat sheet."

I looked down at it.

10 FAST FACTS ABOUT IZZY (ISAAC ADEN LOPEZ)

1. FAVORITE COLOR IS RED AND FAVORITE BOOK IS FLOPSY MOPSY

2. ELMO IS HIS FAVORITE SHOW, ALL OTHERS ARE A WASTE OF TIME

3. ANA IS MAMI, BRITT IS MAMA.

4. KI KI MEANS KISS

5. HE HAS TAKEN 5 STEPS, QUINNIE HAS VIDEO

6. ALLERGIC TO DAIRY; TAKES ALBUTEROL FOR ASTHMA AS NEEDED, 1 VIAL. SLEEPS FOR 3 HOURS AFTERWARDS

7. FAVORITE TITI IS SANDRA; THEN TORI; THEN CELIA

8. BLOOD TYPE A+

9. CUSTODY SCHEDULE

ANA-SAT AFTERNOON-WEDNESDAY MORNING

BRITT-WEDNESDAY MORNING-SATURDAY MORNING

10. IZZY LOVES ALL MUSIC AND WILL DANCE TO EVERYTHING, YOUR VOICE IS HIS FAVORITE

"It's actually kind of sweet." Q said and I nodded.

"I-I s-should know all t-this." I wiped at my eyes and then handed it back to Q. "Room."

"Okay, you got it. Ready to go snuggle your little buddy?"

"Sure." I said, confused by her exuberance. I'd never seen her like this, at least in what I could remember.

If this is the type of Godmother she was, I picked correctly.

So even though she apparently sucked in staying in a relationship with me, turns out the Britt's a good mother...that doesn't actually surprise me. She is an adult child after all.

I followed Q out to the living room and couldn't help but notice that a new picture was up in place of the one I shattered the day before. The tv was on and Isaac was planted on the floor with Celia watching Elmo.

He kept giggling and wiggling as he watched.

I wanted to sit on the floor with him but I knew my body wouldn't let me.

So I sat on the couch and just watched him. He had my dimples and my dark hair but those eyes belonged to this Ian guy. As I watched him, I decided to bug Q for info.

"H-his f-father?"

"Ian. You two had something special, he was your if you had to be with a guy, guy."

"Pictures?" I pushed out and Q looked at me and then whistled at Celia. She looked up at us and raised her eyebrow.

"Baby, go up to my room in my purse and grab her phone." Celia jumped up and headed up the stairs without question but I was looking at Q like she had two heads.

"After everything happened, I just felt like you wouldn't want people in your business. So I took it before your mom could. I charged it up and then turned it off for when you were ready for it."

Celia came down the stairs on her own phone, muttering to someone and then handed the phone to Q. "Family meeting, I need to get to Westchester." My face must have said it all because Celia, recovered quickly. "The meeting is about you and Gladys didn't want you there. She doesn't want to stress you out."

"N-no." I said, looking over at Q and I mouthed an apology. "T-they come h-here. I am n-not a pro...problem to be h-handled. Tell them to come and b-bring a tree."

Celia looked shocked that I was making demands fresh out of the hospital but fuck if I was going to let people figure out what to do with me and how to handle me. I was healing but I wasn't an invalid.

This house was barely decorated and my little guy needed a real Christmas and he was going to have one!

My sister looked at Quinn for help but my girl, as tired as she was of my family was sticking up for me. "You all said how you wanted to band around her and be there for her. It's Christmas time and I couldn't decorate by myself. So you tell them to come with all the Christmas cheer. She wants happiness and love and support. So go tell them that."

When my sister left, I leaned in and pressed a kiss to Quinn's cheek and she pulled me into a tight hug. When I looked at my son he was standing in the middle of the floor with his arms out for me.

As I looked at his joy, a memory finally fucking came.

Commentator's box at McKinley him saying his first word and being proud of himself. Me calling him Papa.

I felt the tears welling.

"C-come on P-papa." I said and Q looked at me in shock, she knew I'd remembered my name for him.

And he began to take his steps, Q was using my phone to record him as he walked toward me. I was leaning as far forward as I could with my stomach in my way and when he got within reach of me, I beckoned him again. "Almost Papa."

He laughed when he was standing between my legs and I laughed with him.

"It's a Christmas miracle." Q said and I stuck my tongue out at her.

Hopefully, the memories kept coming...this though I knew was an answered prayer.

Thank you God.

Regaining memories wasn't a view of the whole picture, it was just puzzle pieces and remembering my son, even if it was just one memory was something that I wouldn't trade for anything. Quinn pulled him up on the couch and he stood against me, kissing my face and touching my belly.

"B-baby." I said to him and he looked at my mouth and then my eyes.

"Bay." He said and I nodded.

"Sister." I got out, proud of myself.

"Sissy." He said and I grinned and then kissed his face while Q helped him stand on the uneven cushion.

"Good j-job." I said to him and he clapped his chubby little hands.

"E-mo." He said and I looked at Q and stuck out my lip. He saw me do it and then looked at Q and stuck out his bottom lip too.

"Oh God help me, a double pout. You've been back five minutes and you're already teaching him to guilt me?" She griped but then started a new episode and immediately, Isaac was entranced.

"L-lunch?" I asked her, remembering the food that Celia had heated up. Quinn hit her forehead and then walked into the kitchen, she came back with an Elmo bowl with baby food in it and a sippy cup.

"He's going to finish this episode because otherwise he won't eat and it's almost naptime. Do you want to feed him?"

I shook my head.

"Show m-me how he likes it."

"Okay, well then let's go to the dining room because you wanted him to learn to eat at the table."

I nodded, believing that's exactly what I would want. My parents were barely ever home with me but when they were, there was no watching tv while eating. I'd wanted to keep that tradition going.

Go me.

After the episode, Isaac clapped his hands and then smiled at me.

"E-mo."

"Eat." I said and he pouted, I was so going to regret teaching him that but I knew my own pout...it didn't work on me.

"E-mo!"

"Eat." I glared at him and he broke his pout and gave in.

Quinn scooped him up and put him in his highchair, then came over and helped me up from the couch.

Lunch was uneventful, once Isaac saw his Elmo bowl and that Q was flying a spoonful of food to his mouth, he opened up without problem. When he got excited about the food, he'd do a dance as he chewed.

Ugh my heart, this kid was everything.

I sat with Isaac as he sipped his milk and started to droop in my lap. Quinn was grabbing the side rail from her bed and Isaac's machine just in case he needed it. For some reason, she hadn't thought to move his stuff to my room downstairs and now was trying to fix that error with the help of my sister.

My son looked up at me with those beautiful eyes that reminded me so much of Britt's. I was readjusted him and bumped his leg, he let out a whimper and I remembered his stitches.

Anger flared in me again, her story just didn't make sense to me. Something else happened, I was sure of it but I didn't want to rock the boat. I lifted up his little pant leg and saw that there was gauze covering a good part of his thigh. I thought that was an odd place to get cut at this time of year, out and about if he had been wearing pants.

I laid Isaac on the couch and with all the strength I had, I took his pants off completely. From the outside I probably looked nuts but Isaac just drank from his cup and watched me as I examined his leg.

Not only did he have the gauze but there was a bruise on his other thigh, like he had been grabbed hard.

When there were footsteps coming down the stairs, I looked over at Q and she saw what I was doing and she went pale, she was frozen on the steps, so when Celia came down the steps not looking, she nearly knocked her over.

"What's going on?" Celia said, then looked at me. "Something wrong? Is that a bandage on his leg?" Quinn hadn't told my sister.

And maybe she didn't expect me to see that it was more than a cut.

I brushed my finger over the dark bruise and then wiped at my leaking eyes.

My poor baby.

And then more memories, arguing with Britt in Sandra's house, her holding Isaac tight, Quinn trying to take him from her. Him whimpering as she held him too tight.

The fuck?

And I still went 50/50 with her?

Was I high?

Celia pushed past Q and knelt by the couch, smiling at Isaac and then lifting his leg to look at the bruising. Then she looked back at Q.

"You knew about this?" Quinn was nervous as she stared at us, she was under a lot of stress and she had been trying to avoid the blow out. "Answer me, Lucy!" She snapped and Quinn knocked out of her trance.

"She didn't tell me about it. I saw it when I changed him...I texted her about it but she hasn't responded. I was going to tell you, I just...I chickened out."

Celia looked ready to explode but I put my hand on her shoulder and shook my head.

"It's ok, Q." I said. "Y-you didn't do this."

"I'm sorry. Look this has never happened before. She's good with him. It was probably a mistake but I will get to the bottom of it. I swear to you."

"No. You...have d-done m-more than enough. H-help me to bed. I-I want to t-talk to Su-san."

Quinn's eyes got wider.

"You sure about that? She's been insanely protective over Britt, angry at her but still protective. She helped her get the counter restraining order against the family."

"I-I don't c-care. She will w-want to kn...know this." I looked at Celia and held up a finger, "This stays here. No Mami...or S-Sandra."

My sister wanted to argue but this was my house, my relationship, my son and I had the final say.

"Fine as long as you stay away from her, I won't step in."

"D-deal."

I sat up in bed and Q laid him, freshly changed and nearly asleep next to me.

Then she handed me my iPad and sat on the bed.

"Go. D-don't let anyone in."

She nodded and then kissed the top of my head before leaving me alone.

I scrolled through my contacts and saw that Sugar's name was above Susan's. It was still unbelievable to me that I had an affair with her but I must have had a reason. It was good to know that while I was pregnant and recently divorced from Britt, that I had feel confident enough to have sex with anyone else.

In the past, I hesitated a lot when it came to Britt's mom because I knew how protective she could get over her daughters but right in that moment, I felt like this was a long time coming.

After fluffing up my hair and drying my eyes, seriously these tears could fill a bathtub, I hit the call button.

It rang for all of two seconds before it was answered, Susan was sitting with Court on the front porch of her house.

Susan just stared at me like I was a ghost and tears came to her eyes, had we bonded?

Court took over.

"Hi, Sanny bear!" Court was 11 now and she had the dark hair that Britt didn't. She kinda looked like the fake Ariel from the Little Mermaid. "It's so good to see your face."

I wasn't sure if they knew anything at all about me or how I was doing but I was certain they were about to find out because I knew I didn't sound the same.

"I-it's g-good to see yours." I said, feeling frustrated that I couldn't get through that one sentence. Court lost some of the light in her eyes and then looked at her mom. Susan whispered something to her and then she waved at me.

"Gonna do my homework. I love you, feel better!"

I nodded this time and then looked at Susan.

"Hi." I said, relieved that came out complete.

"There aren't enough words, my love." She said, tears were in her eyes and she just let them fall. "I'm so glad you're awake and still smiling...still beautiful."

Now I was crying.

"H-how is she?" I asked her, even though I was mad and hurt...and so fucking disappointed.

"I want to say that this changed her completely but it hasn't...not fully. I want to protect her because she's my daughter but what she did to you, I feel like I failed. You didn't deserve any of that. When you left here, you were so happy. For two weeks, you walked around this town with a pep in your step, laughing with your whole body and in hours, she broke you."

"B-bent. I-I'm too stu-bborn to b-break."

"That's my girl. So tell me, what's up. How are you progressing, Gladys has stonewalled me. I know nothing about nothing."

"H-had a s-stroke af-ter g-got to the hosp-ital. T-then the coma. I-I c-can't re-remember af-ter F-February. I use...t-that n-now." I showed her my cane and then I wiped my tears and nodded. "H-hard b-but I-I g-got this."

She covered her mouth with her hand and shook her head.

"I'm so sorry you went through all of that, you didn't deserve any of it. The fact that your family is even letting her have overnights with Izzy, it's amazing."

I could feel my smile dropping as I looked at her and then shook my head.

"About t-that." I pulled back the blanket and aimed the camera at Isaac's sleeping face before panning down to his bandaged leg first and then over to the bruised one.

"Oh God, what happened to him?"

"H-he c-came back like t-this." I said when I was looking at the screen again. "S-she t-told Q, he fell and cut h-his leg. N-needed stitches." I watched her face contort and knew that she didn't believe it either.

"You want me to find out the truth."

"Y-yes."

"Okay, I don't want something that could have just been a dumb mistake get him taken from her but with her violent streaks...I just don't want to think she'd hurt him. Is there anything else that you need?"

"Just t-truth."

"Okay, I'll talk to her and find out. You have my word. Make sure that leg is iced okay, my little man is probably hurting."

"I-I d-didn't tell f-family."

She looked relieved.

"Oh thank God, you know your mom has been vicious and I love her but man, I would hate to be on the other side of a courtroom. Your lawyer, spoke for you and kept her out of it, thankfully."

"I-I'll g-give him a r-raise."

Susan wanted answers so she ended the call with me and then told me to get some rest, only I had so many questions that I didn't have the answers too.

Q?-San

Yes?-Q

My journals, please?-San

I'll bring them down. Did you talk to Susan?-Q

Yes, she's going to find out what happened.-San

Good because B hasn't answered me and it's fucking irritating.-Q

Is the family here?-San

The door opened and Q came in with a stack of black journals, she shook her head as she kicked the door closed.

"Gladys won't come, she said she needs a break but I'm not supposed to tell you that she said that." Q arched a brow and I nodded. "Anyway, Sandra is tired and said that tomorrow would be better, so you my dear just got yourself a day free of the family...Celia is headed to the gallery. It's just us."

"B-bet they s-still meet." I muttered and Q rolled her eyes...so did I but I saw her smirk."I bet y-you're thrilled."

"I am, do you hear how quiet the house is? Now, I know your analness kicked in..." She muttered and then opened one and there was a date at the top. "I knew it...and I'm a nerd." She flipped through the journals and got to three of them all from after Isaac was born.

"T-tell me about Ian."

"Well you'd met him a few times...do you remember the guy that showed up at your locker to check on you after a fight with B?"

I closed my eyes and vaguely remembered a tall blonde kid.

"I think."

She grabbed my iPad and began to scroll back in the year. We sat with Isaac sleeping between us as she went through the year.

Slushy shower.

Prepping for Glee.

Her broken leg.

My wedding day in Sandra's back yard. It was beautiful.

Then I saw myself right before I had Isaac. I could see it in my eyes, I looked high but the way everyone was laughing around me, I'd gotten good at disguising it.

She showed me the pictures and videos of baby Isaac. His twitch when he breathed and then I stopped her momentum.

"That d-day. S-she didn't let me s-see him."

"Nope."

"Y-you held me as I c-cried."

"I did."

"M-mari s-snuck me a p-picture of him."

"What else?"

"B-Britt was angry. T-that's it."

"That's a lot. You'll get there, S, don't rush." She kissed my cheek and then scrolled to the first picture of Ian holding Isaac. The resemblance was crazy. Isaac had his ears, his eyes and the dimple beneath his lip. "He was in love but agreed that in exchange for being Isaac's godfather, he'd sign over his rights so that Britt could adopt him. Just before he died, the paperwork was finalized. Even though he knew this baby wasn't his, he wanted to claim it too. To be a father figure in both their lives but a lot happened and he ended up killing himself."

"Wow." I said, zooming in on his face and trying to remember even one thing but I got nothing.

"His death changed your relationship a lot. You started holding Britt to higher standards and calling her on her shit. She didn't like it at all. Ian would have loved that you made Britt step it up though. You loved him more than most people. You even slept together after you had Isaac, during a break with Britt. He called you Mami or Mama Bear and you called him Papa Bear."

"R-really a-and B was ok w-with that?"

"No. It fired her up. She hated your love for him and felt insecure the more you two were together. It was just hard to watch, frankly."

"S-sorry. H-how did...this?" I rubbed my belly and then thought of the last time that I had 'slept' with Marco, he'd raped me on Thanksgiving.

"It was consensual sex. In true you fashion, you married B before you were divorced from Marco. He got petty and you fucked him so he'd sign the papers. You were still in your fertile window. It was the day you were cleared for sex after having Isaac. You got pregnant. Britt took it hard and you two broke up shortly after. Marco promised to back off and love you from afar."

"D-did he?"

"For a while but then, he got locked up and started I don't know thinking. Britt got it in her mind that he would find a way to steal the baby from you. So she refused to be a parent to the baby. Just Isaac and you felt hurt, left for Lima for two weeks and immediately started a thing with Sugar but you also got some good quality time in with Ian's little sister, Tori, who was adopted by none other than Sue Sylvester."

"You're joking?"

"Nope."

It was mind boggling how much had happened since February. I had a lot to catch up on. It started though with looking at pictures while reading the journals, hoping I could piece together my life.

I had so many questions that I needed answered and I planned to talk to everyone in my life...with the exception of the woman that my heart didn't know how not to love and the man that I hated that I still felt love for.

Quinn left to go eat lunch while I started reading. The stroke had affected my left side, it was a mini-stroke but it was enough to alter my speech and give me weakness in my left hand and foot.

What I wanted was to take notes while I read but I was finding that difficult. So I kept rereading passages and trying to commit them to memory. Now that my phone was turned on it kept chiming as over a month's worth of messages started to filter through.

Also on my list of things, was reading back old texts to see if they triggered my memories.

One thing was certain, even with my brain being all jacked up, I still had my knack for research. Getting my life back was the goal, figuring out with a fresh perspective if there was even a potential for a friendship with Brittany in the far flung future was my hope. I missed her, even through all of this, that was a constant that I tried to keep to myself.

My body and heart missed Brittany S. Pierce but my mind now knew without a doubt, that she had nearly killed me.

And that wasn't something I was taking lightly and IF she hurt Isaac intentionally, her probation was coming to an end.

Nearly kill me...I might find a way to forgive you, apparently I had still fucked Marco after he'd nearly choked me to death and got me hooked...so anything was possible but hurt my child, that's the ultimate line.

I was fuming as I read, occasionally looking down at my sleeping son when the video chat pinged and I saw Susan's smiling face holding my son. It wasn't a picture I had ever seen, so seeing it was heartwarming.

Seeing it reminded me that in her eyes, she was his grandmother with or without Brittany and I needed to be mindful of that.

When I opened the chat, she was looking at me with regret but was trying her best to smile.

"You were right." She said and then wiped at her eyes, my heart twisted because when she cried like this, the resemblance between her and B was uncanny. "She admitted the whole story to me. It was an accident and she was scared that if she admitted the whole story that your family wouldn't let her see him anymore. I told her that not saying anything made this worse."

I nodded. "Yeah." I smiled when I got out a full word.

"So, she was on stage going over the list of moves with Tony. Isaac was crawling around and she swears that she was watching him but then her phone rang and she got distracted. She glanced at him and he was crawling towards the edge of the stage. By the time she got to him, she caught him by his thigh before he could hit the floor but in the process he cut his leg on the edge of the stage. She panicked because he was bleeding and took him to the emergency room. He had already had his tetanus shot. She says she gave him all the cuddles and told Quinn about it but didn't think to say anything about the bruise."

This version of events made more sense and I felt my anger turn into concern. She had to be more careful and when the time came to pass Isaac back, I was going to make sure that Q stressed that to her. He came first before anything, especially that damn phone of hers.

I couldn't get my blood pressure up, so I took a deep breath, feeling like I could trust her with him...if nothing else. So a second chance she got but she was on the thinnest ice. One more fuck up and she was going to have the world raining down on her head.

"Did y-you t-tell her to s-stop lying?"

"I did and I pray that she listens. I warned her that lies like this can get him taken away and you'll have all the ammo that you need. So we'll be in New York for Christmas, can we come see you?"

"We?" I asked.

"Rob can't get off, so just me and Court."

"Yes. I-I'd like t-that."

After getting off the phone with Susan, I had to deal with at home speech and physical therapy which was hell.

My speech therapist wanted to get me to start singing, little things but the sound of my own voice cracking made me cry.

And then...this bitch of a physical therapist had the bright idea of trying to get me to go up and down the eight steps that lead from the pavement to my front door. The sheer energy it took to get to the top had me sweating, gasping for air, and crying yet again.

Every two days they'd be here to torture me and I hated them already.

By the time they were gone, Q had dinner on the table and handed me Isaac's spoon.

"You feed him this time."

I tried to pout but she rolled her eyes. "I'm tired, Q." I said and she winked.

"But you said a full sentence. Keep the momentum going."

Kids are fucking angels.

My son is the king of all of them.

He was ridiculously patient as I scooped the food and then slowly delivered it to his mouth, all with my right hand.

When I fed him, he would clap for me.

It's like he knew that I needed the extra help.

After he was done, I wiped his face and handed him his milk while I ate my own food.

Leftovers from dinner yesterday which the baby was very grateful for, she was rolling and kicking up a storm.

Q sat at the table with me through it all, ready to step in but not attempting to.

"I love you." I said to her.

"I love you too, S. Welcome home."

A/N: How's it going lovelies?