Chapter 21: Show No Regret (Daniel Caesar)
It took almost two hours for all of my messages to finally finish loading onto my phone. By that time, both Q and Isaac were knocked out on either side of me. I reached over my son and grabbed the phone from the nightstand and then started working my way through my messages.
There were 708 of them.
And I spent time reading every single one.
Britt had sent me a text every single day since the day she hurt me...and she hadn't stopped even though I was pretty sure the restraining order meant she couldn't text me either.
It was always the same message.
I'm sorry-B
But I didn't believe her.
Not once.
If she was sorry, when I woke up she would have been in therapy and taking the medicine that she apparently needed to be taking.
Another thing I hadn't known about waking up was that the day I last remember is also the day that she started messing with her medication.
The Brittany I knew and loved was regimented in taking her secret medication, she was leveled out and in therapy four times a week and that day she moved in, she felt the need to take care of me because I had scared her...she wanted to not be loopy.
I get that she felt out of control but the alternative of going off her medicine is that she nearly killed me and would have succeeded if Celia hadn't tackled her to the ground.
For me to forgive her, it was going to take way more than apologies. I needed answers and I needed to see a real change in her.
Because of her, I may never walk right or sing again.
And if that happened, I wasn't sure I'd ever forgive her.
Then there was the news that she didn't want to accept this baby that was growing inside me...she had put a condition in her apparent unconditional love for me.
We were a package deal, the three of us and if she couldn't love my children...she could never fully love me. I'd lay down my life for them but the more that I found out about the drastic change she went through, I wasn't sure I'd lay down my life for her.
The baby was awake with me as I laid there, going over my texts. I rubbed my belly to still her movements as I went down a picture rabbit hole. Sugar had outed us on Instagram with a picture of me between her legs, that was probably hilarious. I smiled to myself when I saw that I had gone to a baseball game with Rob. There was just so much happiness just before everything went downhill.
My skin was glowing, I was smiling in all of the pictures and then there were the videos of me playing the piano in front of the glee club. I was in a zone and there was Isaac, watching me and clapping his little hands.
Being a mom looked so good on me.
It was so good to see myself existing happily without having to rely on Marco or Britt. I was depending on myself for happiness and I wanted so badly to get back to that but you can't grow unless you know where you came from. As much as I wanted to jump right back to where I was before, I knew that my memory would come in pieces in whatever way they wanted to.
And after seeing what I had the potential to be, it inspired me to keep fighting.
I scrolled through my pictures all the way back to February and looked at the version of me that was still strung out, still carrying Isaac...it made me sad to see myself looking like that but now that I could see that in just six months, I'd become sexually independent, happily divorced twice over and so fucking healthy. It felt like I was getting a preview of what life could be.
Like I was in Christmas Carol.
I got so deep in the rabbit hole that when Isaac began to wake up, I rubbed his back and he went still again.
"How the heck did you do that?" Quinn said her voice all gravely. "Usually that whimper he did usually leads to a level 3 cry."
"Magic." I said and she looked up at me as I sat against the headboard with wide eyes and a smile.
"You know what I realized when you weren't around anymore?"
"Hmm?"
"That our relationship is both symbiotic and parasitic."
My eyebrow was up.
"Yeah?"
"We work well together, on paper we are made for each other. Yin and Yang. I realized that we need each other to survive. I hated existing in a world where there was no you. I missed you so much and I will do everything that I can to help you get to a better place."
"S-sap."
After my hours long exploration, I started to get tired and this time when there was a whimper, it was followed almost immediately by the crying but when Quinn reached for him, Isaac wasn't having it, he finally had his Mami back and wasn't letting me go.
"No!" He screamed and Quinn sighed.
"Well, S, I guess today is the day you change his diaper."
"B-Bring it on."
I wiped Isaac's face and then, slowly tried singing to him.
"Baby baby...baby baby." I sang to him and he stopped crying and just stared at me. It was so simple, just the same word over and over again. He shuddered and then slowly he smiled at me as he cuddled closer.
"Ki Ki." He said and I bent towards him but I couldn't quite reach. Determined, he crawled up my body until we were face to face, his legs straddling my baby bump. His little fists grabbed my face and he dropped wet kisses on my lips.
Then another memory.
Seeing Isaac sick in the hospital, his eyes sparkling at me and his gummy grin when I sang down to him. Then another memory, standing with Ian over Isaac's little crib...and then another memory...and another.
Everything Isaac was coming at me fast. Not being allowed to be alone with him for months. The way I felt responsible for his every single time being sick. His cries when he couldn't breathe. The way that my voice seemed to soothe him. Our connection.
My son.
My Papa.
I wrapped him in my arms and rocked him as I kept singing the same words again, "Baby baby...baby baby." Then he was humming against my shoulder and gripping my hair tightly in his little fist.
Quinn found us like that, all wrapped up and she was quick to take a picture.
"I-I..." I started crying and then just kept kissing my son's face.
"Your memories of him are back?" She asked with the biggest smile and tears in her eyes.
"Y-yes."
"Nothing can top that. That's amazing."
"S-sugar d-does a good E-lmo."
"E-mo!" Isaac said, suddenly alert.
Quinn waved a diaper in front of him with Elmo on the front.
"First diaper then, eat, then Elmo." She said, strictly and I rolled my eyes because there's no way a kid his age knew how to follow directions but then he nodded and reached for his diaper.
This time when Q reached for him, he went with her but he never took his eyes off of me, like he was terrified that I'd evaporate or something.
He'd missed me.
No doubt he'd been looking for me for months and now here I was, singing to him without a broken word.
God was doing a mighty work in me...I could feel it.
I was eating breakfast and reading my journal when I heard the song that reminded me so much of Brittany, Christmas Wrapping, I mean it was her voice after all...only I heard it for a brief second and then it switched off.
"The hell?" I said, as I pushed to my feet and grabbed for my cane.
The kitchen door pushed open and Quinn was pointing back to the bench.
"Sit down."
"But...the s-song."
"You asked for Christmas overload and that is what's happening. They are trying to be sneaky but your family is like a bull in a china shop. There's no fucking way they can pull it off. So eat your food and ignore what you just heard. Also, I told you nothing."
"B-better be good."
"I invited Ari." She said and felt my face flush.
"Y-yeah?"
"Aww you have a crush. Twitter update!" She said and I rolled my eyes.
She skillfully distracted me and then I slid the journal to her, I'd already gotten through February and was now onto late March...my wedding.
I watched her expression shift as she read what I had written...then had gone back to make notes on.
My excitement about my wedding date, even though I knew that my divorce wasn't final with Marco, was unmatched. I talked about the house I bought and how I was trying to convince Q to move in. Then I had gone back and written angrily how Britt had fucked Frankie when I was out buying a house.
Q closed the journal and then reached for my hand.
"She did a lot of wrong, her affair with Frankie is something though, that you took care of and once you did, it changed everything...at least for a while."
"C-cryptic." I said.
"You fucked her...with Britt on videochat...you topped Frankie and she vowed to respect your relationship after that. B has gone chasing after her since but Frankie is married now and so happy. I think by the time shit went down, you were actually friends with her."
"I-I wondered that af-ter I saw her t-texts."
"Look, it's a marathon, not a sprint. I know you know that. Just take your time. After today you have two days with Isaac and then three and a half days to read these journals and investigate. Manage your time wisely, my love."
"You're right."
"I know, so how do you feel about coming with me to pick up Ari?"
"Now?"
"Yup, the fam is here, so let's escape for a bit."
"C-can we g-get doughnuts?"
"Of course we can and Grey's Papaya if you want."
"D-do I l-like that?"
"You freaking love those hot dogs, so yeah. You do."
When I was finally in the car, I was in a mood. I know it's a marathon and not a sprint but man, was I just fucking tired of feeling bruised up and unlike myself.
"I-I wanna p-play." I said to Q and she looked over at me before starting the car. I was tapping on my thighs with my fingers. My current memories told me it'd been years since I'd played but my research has told me that I played the piano for the glee club and from what Q has said, at Ian's funeral...and from Celia at her gallery. My fingers had been reawakened and right then, it's all I wanted to do.
Quinn smiled and then put up her finger for me to wait, before sprinting back inside and then in like a minute she came back dangling keys.
"Celia gave me to keys to the gallery, do you want to play first and then pick up Ari?"
"Food. Ari. Play." I said. Three words, not a stutter.
Progress.
When I smelled the hot dogs, the baby decided to put on a show of gratitude by kicking and punching me. I rubbed the sides of my belly.
Calmate, bebe. I thought and she slowed.
Relaxed.
Could she hear me?
Q had called ahead to Ari and asked if she wanted anything, then hopped out of the car and got in line for us. Once she was back, she floored it as much as possible in the gridlock until we were parked outside Ari's dorm.
She came out, her curls bouncing as she walked. She was crazy adorable and I regretted that I lost so many years with her.
We sat in the car, pigging out and then, Q turned towards the backseat.
"Our girl here wants to play for us, ready for a detour to Brooklyn?"
Ari got excited and strapped herself in.
"Heck yes. Let's get a move on."
I laughed and then we were on our way.
Being with them in that moment, feeling like my words weren't necessary because they could read me like a book, I felt some of that freedom and happiness that I envied from future Santana.
I could see why control freak Brittany felt threatened by this version of me. She had always needed to be needed and I had shown that I didn't NEED her, it must have made her nuts.
From everything I could tell though, her lack of taking care of her own needs spilled over on her trying to control mine and if I had known early on, before that night I'd asked her to move in...I know that I would have encouraged her to go to therapy, shit, I would have gone with her but I didn't.
And that is what frustrates me the most. She never let me in, not the way I had let her in.
That was going to have to change, even now, we shared a son and we needed to be transparent about things.
I wanted to trust her with him but if she kept lying, that was going to be impossible.
My mind was whirling as we made our way to Brooklyn.
As we pulled off the bridge, I thought of all the jobs I'd done in this part of New York, my first real drug binge happened in Brooklyn. My first overdose, started in Brooklyn and I had saved Carmen's life in Brooklyn.
It meant something to me...good and bad, it was knitted into the fabric of who I was, that was probably also an issue. I couldn't imagine the difficulty of loving a person who had given themselves to so many others, day in and day out...for weeks. We'd gotten married when she had feelings for someone else and I should have let her explore those feelings.
"Hey...you need to breathe." Ari said as she rubbed my arm. I grabbed her hand and pulled it to my lips.
"I-I'm ok."
"You weren't but that will be fixed soon enough."
The piano was a thing of beauty, it was artfully crafted and my fingers itched to play.
I looked back at Q but she just gestured towards it..."Go for it."
My cane tapped loudly on the marble floors as I made my way over...then I saw the coolest thing, the keys were colored in a rainbow. I forget just how gay my sister is. God.
I laughed to myself and then sat on the bench. Q took my cane and then lifted the cover for me.
As I stretched my fingers, willing my left hand to cooperate, I watched as Ari toed off her shoes and got into first position. That is literally all I remember from ballet class before I was asked to leave if I couldn't take it seriously, the positions. I had also been with Britt for a long time and if I hadn't known the positions by now, it would be a great blind spot.
Obviously, I had a thing for dancers.
What surprised me was Quinn toeing off her own shoes.
"Really?" I said and she winked at me.
"Lucy loved to dance...Quinn was a tightwad. I'm working on coming out of my shell." She said and I nodded, impressed that she had found some outlet that didn't involve falling into random dudes laps or cheating.
They stood just in front of the piano and then I brought my fingers down, starting slow...just a lullaby and I watched them spin like they were in a music box.
I lifted my fingers and stretched out the cramps before going faster. I went wild, feeling the strength return to me.
Celia was right, music therapy could work for me.
And then, the words bubbled.
I began to sing...just a few words.
Baby...love...break...safe
It didn't take long for Ari to start correcting Q's steps and like the true head Cheerio, she studied and applied what she learned. I watched as she followed along...and then, I watched Ari.
Graceful, calm, and at ease.
I had shoved my love for her so deep down after Abuela got a whiff of my feelings for her after my Confirmation and told her parents. When she we forbidden from seeing me by both our parents, things got hard.
Marco became her replacement...it hurt extra because he was her blood.
And then I stopped playing and she stumbled, startled by my abrupt end.
"Que te pasa?" She asked.
"M-Marco." I said and she looked over at Q and then at me.
"What about him?"
"Y-you t-talk to h-him?"
"Not since he gave me his bone marrow, no...why would I? He's the black sheep of the family and I'm the golden child."
Quinn looked confused.
"Wait, you're related to Marco Vega?"
Ari rolled her eyes.
"We're cousins. Our mothers were sisters. He lost his mind when his mother died with her arms wrapped around him. After he stole from my mother last year, he got cut off. Also, I hate him because he got the girl." She winked at me and I could feel the heat in my cheeks.
How quickly was I able to walk away from B?
Maybe I'm a whore.
Then more memories.
Britt calling me a whore. Britt asking if there was anyone in New York I hadn't fucked. Britt making me feel like shit when she was the one sleeping around.
The anger surged in me and then I was pushing off the bench, grabbing my cane and walking straight to Ari.
"I d-don't w-want to waste t-time." I said to her and she looked confused.
"Wh-" She began but I pressed my lips against hers and dropped my cane as I buried my fingers in her hair. She wrapped her arms around me, holding me steady as she kissed me back.
"Well shit." Q said. "I'll just...yeah."
We kissed until our lips were sore and then I pulled back and placed her hands on my belly.
"M-Marco's." I said and she looked at me wide eyed.
"No?"
"Yea."
"That's kind of a big deal. I'm the first girl in the family in a generation, I'm talking 16 male cousins and those with kids all have boys and then there's me...she's the only other girl. Shit."
I smirked.
"Cool."
"Definitely. Look, I won't push you, there's big stuff coming for you but I'm in this with you. However you want it."
"Yea?"
"Yes, 100%, yes."
"That's insanely adorable." Q said, clapping her hands. I looked over and there she sat the piano watching us with dreamy eyes. "If I could just remind you both, tread lightly...take your time and maybe, keep it under wraps for a bit."
Ari looked at me for confirmation.
"I agree." I said.
"Okay, that's what we'll do. We will take it easy until we are all ready."
Quinn was my ride or die.
She sat there and didn't complain even a little when I made my move on the girl of my 12 year old dreams just a few days out of the hospital and when we both climbed in the backseat and made out the whole way home, Q just turned up the music and sang along like nothing was happening.
Ari kept running her hand over my belly and kissing me harder when the baby kicked and I groaned.
Something about her accepting me as I was and meeting me where I was at, turned me on but I wasn't ready.
Not yet.
By the time we got home, we were all in our own mini-states of bliss. I wish it lasted longer, God I wish it did but as we pulled up towards the house, I felt the shift.
"What the fuck is she doing here?" Q muttered.
I looked towards the house and saw nothing but then I looked across the street and there she stood, a coffee mug in her hands and tears in her eyes.
"B." I whispered and not because I was wistful but because my throat felt tight.
Ari clutched my hand and turned my face towards her. "Your windows back here are tinted, she can't see you. Just look in my eyes and breathe."
I felt the cold air of the window being put down as I stared into Ari's eyes and then Q was yelling out the front passenger window.
"Go home, B. The whole family is in there and if Gladys sees you, it will be more than 100 feet!"
"I just want to see her! To talk to her."
"No!"
And then her voice was getting closer and there were horns sounding behind us.
Quinn peeled off down the street and I was crying against Ari's shoulder.
My body knew the fear but I still couldn't fully remember that day.
Right then, I didn't want to. All I wanted was to go inside and enjoy the few days I had with my son.
Q came back around the block and this time I was watching for her but she was gone as we made our way towards the driveway, the iron gates slid open and then closed behind my car.
Once we were in the garage, she turned around in her seat, her face pink and fire in her eyes.
"You okay?"
"N-need a m-inute." I wiped at my face and then leaned against Ari. She kept her arm around me and then mumbled something to Quinn. I heard the jingle of keys and then Ari was helping me out of the backseat and handing me my cane.
We walked out of the iron gate and nearly collided with my ex-wife.
"Ana!" She said and I held tight to my cane, I took a step back and steadied myself against Ari at my back. We stood there for a brief moment staring at each other. I didn't cower despite it all, I let her fucking look at me. Then Quinn stepped between us and Ari stepped next to me, putting her arm around my waist and allowing me to put some of my weight on her.
Q was shorter than B but she stood tall, HBIC Quinn was present and accounted for and Britt responded by taking a step back but she was still watching me.
"Britt, you need to go!" Q growled.
"P-please, g-go." I said to Britt, her response to my stuttering voice made the little bit of cheer in her face vanish. She looked at me and then at the cane and the way that I was gripping onto Ari for dear life, she nodded.
"I'm so sorry, baby. Please forgive me...I'll do anything."
"G-get h-help." I stuttered out and then Q was pushing her back.
"Yes, I need to do that. I'm so sorry. I'll get help, I swear."
"G-good. Go home, B. P-please."
She was walking backwards and nodding her head.
"Come on, I'll walk you home."
Me and Ari stood watching as Quinn pulled Britt down the sidewalk towards the corner.
"You okay?" Ari whispered against my face as she peppered my cheek with kisses.
"Y-yeah."
With Ari at my side, we walked in the opposite direction of Q and B, towards this gorgeous cathedral. She helped me climb the stairs and then like the good Catholic girls we were, we dipped our fingers before making our way into the sanctuary.
Ari let me go into the pew first and then followed right behind me.
We knelt on the felt padded benches and I stared forward at the giant crucifix.
"I c-can do all t-things." I muttered.
"Through Christ who strengthens me. Amen. Here, Quinn asked me to give this to you." She handed me this beautiful green and silver rosary. "She said that Ian left it to you and from the day you got it, you didn't take it off."
I took the rosary and let the beads slide through my fingers, they were smooth emerald.
"T-thanks." I said and watched as she pulled out an old onyx one that I gave her ages ago. "Y-you s-still?"
"When I got it for my quince, months after seeing you at yours, just sitting on my doorstep from S...I knew it was from you and I've never stopped wearing it."
She leaned towards me and kissed my temple. "Now, let us pray." She said, sounding like our old priest.
I chuckled and then knelt there with her, praying the rosary for a long time.
My heart was so conflicted and I was grateful for the time of reflection that being a blank slate had forced on me.
When I felt the ache in my knees and the calmness settling, I pushed off the bench and stood up, stretching my arms and back as much as I could. Ari followed suit, a smirk on her lips as she glanced towards the back of the sanctuary. There Q sat, her head bowed in prayer.
"I was worried when we had to stop being friends, that you wouldn't find someone who would love you like me but man did you find her. Quinn is your rock, Anita. I hope you are the same for her."
I thought of how distant I was when she was pregnant and cruel even, just after...there was no way that I gave her what she needed.
"No."
"I think you will though, there will come a time for her when she is broken and needs you, I expect you'll do what needs to be done. You may not show up when expected but you do eventually show up."
And I did. I'd held her hand when she gave up Beth and I'd held her afterwards for hours. Then I helped her get back in shape for Cheerios, never expecting her to steal the captaincy from me.
"I will."
"Good. The party is probably in full swing, let's head back."
Britt had gotten lucky.
My house was packed with family, when I came through the front door (because my therapist would love that) I was stopped short with the beauty of it all. It was a Christmas wonderland filled with my family, even Brenda and Damariz were here and so were Brenda's kids. There was music bumping and everything smelled like cinnamon and arroz con pollo.
"There she is!" Sandra called and then everyone was up and kissing me, hugging, ushering me to the couch so I could sit. Isaac was holding hands with one of my older nephews who was slowly leading him to me.
It was all too much and all just enough.
This was the welcome that I needed.
Quinn kissed my shoulder and then mumbled, "I'm gonna run upstairs and change really quick." But then I saw Celia right behind her and I knew just what they planned on doing now that I was distracted.
Ari still held my hand so when I was hugged, so was she.
Then my mother saw her and instead of having the stank face she had lately, she pulled her into a hug and rocked with her a little.
Like Q, I wanted to sneak away too and this baby was the perfect excuse. Isaac got distracted by my sister, so that gave me the chance to slip away. I kissed Mami's cheek and then grabbed Ari's hand.
"G-gotta freshen up." I said and then pulled Ari along. Mami cocked her eyebrow but didn't offer up a comment.
Once we were behind the closed door, I locked it and then pressed my lips to hers.
She kissed back softly and then pulled away, cradling my face.
"Slow...all of that was a lot and you really should freshen up and maybe wear something more comfortable."
I left my cane pressed against the wall and the slowly pulled off my shirt, her cheeks got all rosy and she leaned in and pressed a kiss to my belly...then my lips before taking a step back and sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Help me." I said holding a hand out and she glanced at the cane. "I d-don't need it for short dis...tances."
She took my hand and we went into the bathroom together.
I stopped short as I was slammed with another memory.
Me and Britt showering in here...her fucking me after I had broken up with her. Her humming that Lollipop song. Then another memory of her fucking me on the kitchen table, calling me Lolli while she tried to get me to call her Daddy but I refused because she didn't deserve it.
Tears were in my eyes and if Ari noticed my That's so Raven moment, she didn't say anything. She helped me sit on the toilet and then turned away while I did my business. I leaned into her while I wiped and then, she helped me up to wash my hands.
She stood watching while I washed off and then reapplied my makeup, this time a waterproof mascara and some lip gloss. Nothing heavy. Then I picked up the brush and handed it to her.
I watched her eyes light up as she brushed through my hair like I was a doll baby.
Ari had been fighting leukemia since she was 4. She'd been in remission a few times and had always kept her hair shorter, because she said it was easier to lose hair if you barely had any. Ever since we were younger, she'd always get excited to brush my hair...that apparently hadn't changed.
Once I was changed into a more festive looking outfit, really I was just wearing a Santa hat and red pajama pants, Ari pressed me against the door and made out with me.
There was no fight for dominance, just her sweet kisses and touches.
Being with her like this was like a dream and I wanted so badly to give into the feeling of it but there was just Britt...hanging over me. How had I gotten to that place with Sugar, where I was blatantly screwing her with no regret?
And then I remembered Britt's words from ages ago. It's better with feelings.
From everything Q has told me and the brief glances forward in my journal, it was just emotionless, casual sex with Sugar...but Ari was always my 'what if' and I loved her. I'd been in love with her since I was a kid and none of that had changed.
She pulled back from the kiss and looked in my eyes.
"Stop thinking so much, I know you love her and even though it scares me that someday you'll go back to her...know that I will still be here. No pressure. I have just one ask...please?"
"Ask."
"Don't go back to her until you are completely sure you and the kids are safe."
I felt bowled over by her words but I respected that ask.
"Yes. Ok."
"Good and don't worry about me. I'm good with going with the flow. You once told me that we are the type of soulmates that always meet, in every lifetime. You also told me that this one isn't ours...and I agree with you. This time right now, God has put me here to give relief to Q and to keep you strong. I know my place and when it's time for me, to let you go, I want to make sure that I'm leaving you in good hands."
"Ari...T-te amo."
"I know, te quiero tanto carino. Even if your mom just gave me her blessing, anyone but Britt, I think...I know better and so does she." Ari kissed my face and then wiped away my tears with her thumbs. "Let's just keep enjoying this bit of time together, let me remind you what love feels like."
She winked at me and I groaned.
"No t-time." I whispered before kissing her lips.
"Oh no, right now is a terrible time but when you're ready. I'm here."
"YOU TWO DOING IT?" Celia yelled from the otherside of the door and Ari laughed.
"I guess times up."
By the time I closed the door behind the last person that night, I felt like I needed to sit in a quiet room for at least two days.
Quinn and Celia were cuddled up on the couch with Isaac, watching Elmo and Ari was actually knitting like a little old lady.
Isaac opened his arms for me, "Ki Ki, Ma!"
Quinn waited for me to sit next to Ari before putting Isaac in my arms. His kisses soaked my cheek but I wouldn't trade them for anything. After my kisses, he rested his head against my shoulder and started humming my song to him.
So I sang it.
"Baby baby...baby baby." I rubbed his back and he yawned, gripping my hair in his fist as he closed his eyes.
I held him while the movie finished and then Q helped me change his diaper before she and Celia stole him for the night.
"You two enjoy each other." Was all she said before leaving me and Ari alone.
"Does she think we are going to fuck?" Ari asked, still knitting and not looking at me.
"Yes."
"Are we?" She asked, still knitting.
"N-no." I said back to her.
"Good because, I want to be able to have my way with you when there aren't people in this house."
"I c-can be q-quiet."
More memories...Marco wanting me to show him how I can be quiet...that was an old one but then Britt banging me hard, jealousy in her eyes. Telling me to scream but then in other moments demanding for me to be quiet. The bruises she left me. Ian just outside the door. Crying while she forced herself on me without her medicine in her system. The pain.
Tears welled up in my eyes and Ari nodded.
"I also, would really like it if you had your memory back when we go there...I don't want to trigger something like I obviously have done at least twice today. I want you wholly and completely. I don't want you to have any regrets...and I don't want to have any either. Is that okay?"
"Yeah. M-me too." I wiped at my eyes and let out a sigh. "Cuddle w-with me?"
"I thought you'd never ask." She stabbed her needles into her yarn ball and then held her hand out to me.
I stood idly by while she pulled back the covers and then she took it upon herself to find pajamas in my drawer, before heading in the bathroom.
"Sit and relax, I'll be out in a bit."
I'd like to say that I was sitting there ready for her or that we had a crazy makeout but I'm super pregnant and it's been just an emotional few days. I was absolutely ready to pass out but I didn't want to miss a thing.
When Ari came out of the bathroom, dressed in a sports bra and a pair of my booty shorts, her muscular legs still damp as she rubbed lotion into her skin...I was ON.
"P-please?" I asked her and she frowned.
"What do you need?"
"To be w-wanted."
She leaned into me after turning off the lights and pulling the covers up, our lips pressing together like two puzzle pieces. Ari didn't seem to have time for any more long explanations on our future. She'd nearly died several times, she knew how precious each moment was and she wasn't going to waste this one.
Her fingers ran over my face and down across my neck and shoulders. She didn't linger too long in one place but her lips followed, kissing my face, down my neck and shoulders.
And she kept moving, kept kissing me until she was laying between my legs, her lips pressed against the movement in my belly.
Don't be a cockblock, little girl, I thought.
Then I chuckled as Ari arched her eyebrow.
"Any bad memories?" She asked this as her fingers danced over my thighs.
"No." I said and then spread my legs wider.
"Any restrictions?"
"No."
"Do you want me to stop?"
"No."
That was all the permission she needed as she pulled my panties off and began to slowly work me up.
I wished I could see her over my stomach but I couldn't, so I just had to lay there, holding onto her hair as she kissed and sucked me between those luscious fucking lips.
My moans came out back to back and I was grateful that there was a bit of space between this room and the people upstairs because I felt like my moans were uncontrollable.
She was working me over so good that I was sure this was going to be the death of me.
And then...like a cliche, as I came...I passed out.
When I woke up, my panties were back on and I was being cradled in Ari's arms.
It had to be late but I was wide awake now and then I heard the creaking of the floorboards which is what must have woke me.
And then I saw Quinn's hair wild from sleep as she held onto my son who was trying to see in the dark.
"He only wants you." She whispered.
I patted the bed, grateful that the pregnancy pillow and the side rail were on this side of the bed. "Ok."
She laid him down and he began to whine.
"Shh, Papa." He immediately calmed and rolled against my belly, I rubbed at his back and hummed to him.
Quinn winked at me and then handed me his bottle. I took it and then watched as she walked away, leaving us without even looking back.
"Ki ki?" He said and I leaned down, smothering his face with kisses as he laughed.
"Eat?" I asked and he held out his hands. I gave him his bottle and then he curled against me, sucking down his milk.
"You're beautiful like this. Being a mom was what you were made to be." Ari whispered against my shoulder. "Was that, okay...earlier?"
"Perfect." I said and then I brushed my son's hair with my fingers. "J-just what I n-needed."
"Shhh." Isaac said and then tossed his bottle down and closed his eyes. Then I saw it, his thumb between his lips. I pulled it out and he looked at me with the Lopez glare.
"Yucky." I said to him and he gave me the pout, I gave it right back and the defiant little guy did it anyway. Britt would tell me to pick my battles but I knew that the moment Isaac fell asleep, I'd be yanking his thumb out and I would keep doing it until he stopped.
"Didn't you suck your thumb until you were eight?"
"N-not the point."
"Let him have it, he lost his mom for a time, he needed the comfort."
"Shhh." I said to her and she chuckled, reaching her hand around my waist easily and resting her hand on Isaac's little foot.
We fell asleep all tangled together, feeling a little like a family and in a perfect world, maybe this would be just that but there was an expiration date on all of this.
And I'm glad that we were on the same page about it.
I just wanted to live life as it was, my memories were coming faster than anyone thought even if, to be honest, I was enjoying some of the ignorance.
Something about not knowing was peaceful.
Being with Ari was easy and safe, right now, she was exactly what I needed.
Let what will come, come.
In the meantime, I was going to enjoy this and try not to worry about me and Britt.
For now, I just had to let it be.
Q and Ari had to leave early the next morning for their last week of classes before the winter break. I could tell that Ari didn't want to go but I was glad that she had something of her own to go off to. She kissed my face and then promised to see me on Wednesday for my big haircut.
I watched them leave and then it was just me, Celia and Isaac.
Thankfully, I had gotten dressed with Ari's help so there was no extra leaning on my sister.
"So, sis...up for a trip to Brooklyn?"
I turned to her and then shook my head. There was a lot to say to her but I knew I couldn't say it all. So I grabbed my tablet from the table and wrote it out and sent it to her phone.
Actually, I want to go to Sandra's. Q is really close to a breakdown, I can see it. So I need you to stay here and take care of her, pamper her. Make sure she sleeps and eats. I'll come back tomorrow night. Is that okay?-Santana
She looked at me and smiled.
"Yeah, I'll take you. Do you want me to pack up Isaac while you grab some clothes."
I nodded and then headed into the bedroom, Isaac was sprawled in the center of the bed, surrounded by pillows. His thumb was back between his lips and I yanked it out, he whined in this sleep but didn't put it back.
Celia helped me pack an overnight bag and then we packed up Isaac, my journal and were on our way.
We were on the road for about ten minutes when Celia couldn't hold back anymore.
"She told me about Brittany showing up yesterday and how strong you were."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah and she also told me what happened when she left with Brittany. I think what you're seeing in her is her trying to be everything for everyone. Yesterday was a lot."
"And?" I said, trying to control my stutter by just using one word responses.
"Something happened and I want you to know that it's not your fault."
I was staring at my sister's pale face as she drove. Did this have something to do with Quinn praying in the back of the church or her rushing upstairs to change yesterday?
"T-talk."
"Apparently, Britt's been...wait let me back up, you've told Britt about Ari before, how she was your first love and all that."
"Of c-course."
"So they left you two yesterday and began walking back to her place. Britt asked who that was with you and Q was honest, not thinking anything of it but then she went up to Britt's apartment with her and was grabbing one of Isaac's favorite bathtub toys. She saw a bloody razor on the counter and confronted Britt about it...well, when she went to do that Britt was in a daze as she carved into her side."
"W-why?"
"She broke down and told Q that, she's been doing it as a penance. Everytime she hurts or thinks of getting angry, she does it. Yesterday though after seeing you, hearing your voice and seeing Ari comforting you...she overdid it a bit. Quinn cleaned her up and held her. She didn't want to leave her alone but Britt insisted that she was okay and Q made her clean out every single razor and knife before she would leave. She's really shaken up about it."
"Did she c-call, Susan?"
"Yes. As soon as you guys got to the house yesterday, she called Susan. I paid for her to fly here and Q is going to pick her up from the airport, so um...looks like you'll have Isaac for a while longer. It's best for everyone. Britt already agreed. She was going to leave him with you while she goes on her work trip to LA next week anyway, so now you'll have him until Christmas."
"I...I w-want to t-talk to her." I said but Celia shook her head.
"No. There is nothing you can do at this point. You have to let this be, I didn't tell you so you'd feel sorry for her. I told you because you need transparency from everyone. It's important. We can't expect you to be open with us all the time and not give you the same thing in return. Q is taking everything with you and Britt really hard...you coming up to Westchester for a few days while Q is there for Britt...will be good."
"You will be there for Q?"
"I promise you. I won't let her overstretch herself. She needs someone to make her eat, sleep, and have fun if you catch my drift."
"Eww." I said when she winked at me.
"Hey, you weren't so quiet last night, moaning like you were a cat in heat. Yeah, we heard you."
I could feel the heat in my cheeks. "Oh."
"The fact that you haven't been out of the hospital a week and you're getting some means you have way more game than I thought you would, being a princess and all."
The tension eased, she had dropped a bomb on me but assured me that all I needed to do was worry about myself and my son.
I'd pray for Britt because that's all I could do.
We were healing, all of us and I needed to take care of me while I asked her to get help...and take care of herself.
It hurt me that she was hurting but it didn't hurt me enough, to just forget what she had done to me.
Not yet.
I grabbed a pen from the glove box and turned to the first blank page in my most recent journal, the last entry had been the morning that I flew home right before everything.
My hand was still weak so it wasn't a long entry but I needed to write.
So while Celia took us to my sister's, I wrote out everything I was feeling. I wrote some lyrics out for a song and then I let the tears come. I was biting into my palm as I let all the emotions flow and Celia just turned up the music and let me have my moment.
I was so grateful that she was letting me be, letting me cry it out.
Everything was heavy and difficult but I was ready to work through it.
My pride wasn't important in any of this.
I was going to have to depend on people and trust them with my recovery. I had to trust also, that Quinn was going to be there for Britt in all the ways that I couldn't be but I was worried about her too, so I was thankful that my sister was going to be there for Q when I couldn't.
God it was exhausting but I knew that I could handle it.
I couldn't regret what I couldn't control.
And then I wrote out the serenity prayer.
By the time we pulled down Sandra's driveway, my tears had dried and I was singing along to the music on the radio as best as I could.
"T-thanks for b-being real with me." I said to her as we parked. "And a...llowing me to just p-process."
"You have to feel it all, sis if you want to get back to you. I'm here to ignore your overwhelming emotions or give you distractions like that piano. Maybe the rest of them want to control how you heal, I just want to be here for you. Okay or not."
As she spoke to me, more tears came as I thought of another conversation.
Another memory slammed into me, Sandra sitting in this same driveway, in a car committing to being the best big sister that she could. I had no idea what had brought it on but it was great to remember it as I prepared to spend time with her.
God is so good to me, even when it seems like all hope is lost.