Chapter 22: Only a Fool (Galantis, Ship Wrek Pink Sweat$)
We were walking towards the house, Celia carrying Isaac in her arms while I used my cane to steady myself because I really wanted to be able to walk on my own, so I passed up on help walking.
Before we got to the door though, it swung open and Sandra was yelling.
I don't think I'd ever heard her this upset.
She had her finger pressed against Johnny's chest and looked like she'd been crying.
"I don't care where you go but you can't fucking stay here."
"Baby, please. I'm sorry!"
"No. No cabe duda, Johnathan! You don't think I know that you are only sorry that I found out about this? Did you expect that I wouldn't? People talk!"
Celia cleared her throat and they both looked at us, Sandra tried to smile but it fell flat when Johnny gave us a pained look before carrying his suitcase and heading towards the garage without a word.
"Sis, what's going on?"
"He got a girl pregnant! He's fucking 30 and she's only 18 years old, that fucking pendejo has another baby on the way with a fucking child. I want to call her a whore, but he is the one to blame, she's young and impressionable still. He should have known better. She's due same time as me and everything."
My sister was in a daze as we stood there watching Johnny's sports car speed down the driveway.
"That asshole." Celia put her arm around Sandra and led the way back into the house. I was speechless as I followed them, not sure what to say but feeling a little relieved that for once the attention wasn't on me.
I tried not to take the child comment to heart, after all I was only 19 and here I was, about to pop out my second kid. Did she look at me that way too?
Young and impressionable.
But then I thought of Marco and all the things he had gotten me to do last summer, at any time I could have gone to Papi or the cops or even Padrino but I stuck it out and now look at me.
Mami sat in the kitchen, halfway reading a book and halfway glancing over at little Johnny who was eating his breakfast. I remembered a time that she had done this same thing with Isaac as he rested in a bouncer on the island back at home.
It warmed my heart that I could remember such a sweet moment.
"What are you doing here?" Mami asked.
"B-ben...dicion, Mami." I said and then leaned down and kissed her face. I felt exhausted and just wanted to go find a comfortable place and nap, but I should have known better.
"Sit down, I'll serve you."
"N-not h-hungry."
"Not this again, Santana. I doubt you've eaten this morning."
I shrugged, not wanting to argue or lie. She was right, I hadn't eaten yet but not being hungry was a real thing. The baby wasn't as active yet and I didn't feel anything but exhaustion.
My phone chimed and after sitting down, I looked down at it.
Hey, finished my final. Aced it!-Ari
Yay! If I had my pom-poms, I'd be shaking them for you!-Ana
Wanky-Ari
That's my line!-Ana
It was mine first. Fight me.-Ari
Miss you.-Ana
Have a hall meeting tonight. Not free until Wed :(-Ari
Will you come back then?-Ana
If you want me too-Ari
I want. ;)-Ana
Mami knows best because the moment that I had swallowed my first bit of food, the baby gave a huge stretch and proceeded to punch the crap out of me. My stomach growled obnoxiously and Mami laughed, then so did little Johnny.
"Did he hear us at all?" Sandra asked Mami, as she came into the room, her face red. Celia trailed behind her, texting away on her phone.
Then my phone chimed.
I glanced at it while Mami and Sandra talked.
Should have stayed home-Ceily
Yeah-Ana
Any appointments you forgot?-Ceily
And then I remembered.
Shit, yes, I had therapy today.
Actually, I do. PT and Speech at noon!-Ana
PERFECT!-Ceily
"Are you two texting each other?" Mami asked as she slid into the seat next to me.
I looked at her and shrugged before tucking back into my bowl, I was hungry after all.
"Yes, we were, Gladys. Santana was reminding me that she has to get back home by 12 since she has therapy today."
"Oh, well, that makes sense."
"Hey, Ana?" Sandra said, looking at me nervously.
"Yes?"
"Can I keep Isaac tonight, with Johnny gone Tito could use the distraction of his cousin, please?"
I hated being away from my son, but I could tell that my sister needed this and as much as she had been there for me, I couldn't deny her.
"Okay." She smiled and then leaned in kissing my cheek with a loud smack before reaching down and rubbing my belly.
"I'll bring him back tomorrow afternoon."
"Okay."
An hour later, with extra food packed up in the backseat instead of my son, we headed back home.
My head was starting to hurt, and I kept getting sharp pains in my groin. Ari hadn't been rough or even pressed inside me, so I wasn't sure I could put this pain on her...it seemed to be the baby and that made me nervous.
I just had this gut feeling that something wasn't right.
So, I texted Dr. Ramirez hoping she was still in town.
Did you fly home yet?-Santana
...
...
...
No, I'm hanging around and enjoying my first real trip to NYC, what's up?-Doc R
She's not as active and I keep having pain down there.-Santana
Any spotting or cramping-Doc R
Not that I know of. I just have a feeling something isn't right.-Santana
...
...
...
...
Out with Cabot, she says to meet her at her office in an hour. Does that work for you?-Doc R
Sorry I ruined your date :(-Santana
Not a date. See you in an hour!-Doc R
;)-Doc R
B?-Ana
...
...
Hi?-Britt
I know things are bad, but I need you.-Ana
Can't violate probation-Britt
Please? You owe me.-Ana
...
...
When and where?-Britt
Dr. Cabot's office. 1 hour.-Ana
Is the baby okay?-Britt
I felt my heart swell at the thought that she really did care.
We were by no means good, but this was a good sign...right?
She was my best friend, and no one knew her better than me.
I needed to give her a glimpse of what she stood to lose, and I just needed her to hold my hand.
My craving right in that moment was her and while I was nowhere close to forgiveness, I just knew that if something bad was about to happen, it all would come down to what she had done to me and she needed to face those consequences and hold my fucking hand through it.
Praying she's okay-Ana
Me too!-Britt
"Ch-change of plans." I said to Celia and she just nodded.
"Rolling with it...where to?"
And God did I love how Quinn was becoming more spontaneous because of my sister and my sister was becoming less controlling because of Q.
They were so good for each other and I was happy that I was awake to see them growing together as a couple.
Even though we had left Sandra's so that I could make my appointments, I ended up cancelling them because I had no idea how long it would take for me to go to lower Manhattan and get back on time in two hours.
As we made our way towards the city and pulled into the parking garage, I knew I'd have to be upfront with my sister.
I handed her my phone with the screen open to my texts with B, her eyes were wide as she read them.
"Susan should be with her by now, so with the both of us there to supervise, I trust she'll behave."
"Not m-mad?" I asked.
"No. She wants to start proving that she's sorry and that she wants this family with you, this is a start. I'm hoping we can just keep it between us, if your mom finds out it will be hell."
"Agreed."
My body felt so heavy as I leaned partially on my sister and partly on the cane. When we got inside, Britt was sitting in the waiting room already, holding onto her mom's hand, her eyes looking a little bloodshot.
When she saw me, she stood up and fidgeted, waiting to do something...anything.
"C-check me in?" I asked her and she nodded, rushing to the counter without another word.
Susan came over and wrapped me in her arms, holding me securely. I could feel the tears coming and didn't fight them, thankfully the waiting room was empty. "Thank you for inviting her to be here." Susan said.
I nodded and then sat down, I was feeling so fucking tired.
When I rested my head back against the wall, my eyes slid closed and I let my body just relax.
Floating and darkness...like before then more pain in my groin...then I was feeling a tingle.
Cool hands rubbed up and down my thighs, bringing me back to the present.
Britt's eyes were looking up into mine as I sat up, she looked concerned and was talking to me, but I couldn't hear her.
Not this her.
Die. Ana. Die. Ana.
As I looked at her, I felt the flood of memories from that day. My fear was back, and I felt like I wanted to stab her, but I had asked her here.
When she saw the look in my eyes, she dropped her hands and repeated herself.
"They're ready for you. Can you stand? I can carry you if you need me to."
I held out my hand and she stood up, then reached for my other hand. When I tried to pull myself up, it was a no go.
"C-carry me." I muttered.
But she had heard me and scooped me up slowly, holding me against her body firmly.
"I got you baby, just relax."
Only I couldn't, not really.
I let Susan help me take off my jeans and underwear before using her as leverage to get on the exam table. Britt stood to the side watching and waiting.
"Any spotting?" Dr. Cabot asked a minute later.
It was like time kept skipping because now they were all standing around while she was spreading that goo on my stomach.
"A little." Susan said as she folded my pants. Britt stood just off to the side, clenching and unclenching her hands, just like she used to do when she wanted to hold my hand.
So, I held my hand out to her and she let out a sigh, then smiled.
Relieved.
Only I wasn't.
Something was wrong, I was sure of it and I had been so fucking sober.
I'd tried to do everything right but the very person who was holding my hand had sabotaged me.
My anger spiked but I didn't let go, I needed her.
The baby gave a big stretch and then I felt the pain again and hissed.
Everyone's eyes were on me.
"Where does it hurt, baby?" Britt asked, her eyes jumping from me to the screen. The baby was jerking and seeing it on the screen compared to the feeling of her stretching me, was surreal.
"Is she okay?" I asked the doctor, proud of myself for getting out a sentence. "P-please?" But then I stuttered.
"We need to go over your symptoms, would it be easier for you if we asked Yes/No questions?" Dr. Ramirez asked.
"Yes."
"Okay, pain scale, 1-10." Dr. Cabot asked.
"N-nine."
She shared a look with Dr. Ramirez then back at me.
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay, your pressure is up. Have you done anything to exert yourself in the last 24 hours?"
Ari came to mind and I could feel the heat in my cheeks.
"Y-yes."
Britt's cool hand brushed my cheeks and that's when I realized I was crying.
"Was it sex?" She looked from Britt to me and I swallowed the bile that was rising.
"Yes." I said and I could feel Britt's hand slipping from mine, but I gripped it tighter.
"Okay, was there penetration?"
"No."
"Okay, was that the only time?"
"Yes."
"Let's steer clear of sexual activity for a while. Your body isn't healed completely and spikes in pressure can have adverse effects. Sex usually doesn't do this kind of thing though; it just could have heightened the sensitivity to something that was already occurring."
The baby gave another stretch and this time it made me cry out because it felt like she was using my insides as a punching bag. I turned toward the screen and sure enough she was kicking up a storm.
"Oh wow. I've never seen a baby move like that." Susan said.
"Brittany, help turn Santana to her side." Dr. Ramirez said and I whimpered as Britt shifted me.
The pain eased and I was out of breath.
I stayed like that for a little bit and then I was on my back again, when we looked at the baby again, she was calmer. Her thumb was in her mouth and I rolled my eyes, because of course she'd do it when I couldn't stop her.
Two thumb suckers would not do, the orthodontic bills would be through the roof.
I tried to smile through the pain, but the doctors looked anxious.
"Santana, when is the last time you used?" Dr. Ramirez asked.
"May, I t-think." I said and they all looked at me sideways, except Britt.
"She can't remember still; she's been sober though. Even through Ian and everything she was sober. Since she got home, she hasn't been alone, so I doubt she's got anything going on now." Britt defended and the doctors seemed to relax at her word.
"Before the sex, had you been having pain?"
"Yes, but m-more like a p-pressure."
"We are going to compare notes, you get cleaned up and we will be back in."
"Is she going to have to go back on bedrest?" Britt asked.
Dr. Cabot who had been silent for most of this as she examined the sonogram and took notes, looked at Britt and then at me.
"From the looks of it, Santana, the loss of oxygen in October, which we thought had spared the baby...is showing false. What you just experienced was a fetal seizure. I'm going to be honest with you, generally seizures in utero do not produce a healthy or living child. This is a worst-case scenario, she's still on target with growth and her heart rates are perfect. We could do an amnio to see if there are any other underlying factors, if you'd like or we can start making a plan to deliver her sooner."
I was stunned and then Britt let go of my hand and stepped back. She crossed her arms over herself and silently cried.
"S-stop!" I snapped at her and she looked at me stunned. "I need you to o-own this. I-I need your s-strength. P-please?" I asked and she wiped at her face and stepped back to my side. She took my hand again and then looked at the doctors.
"What should we do...bedrest or delivery?"
Dr. Cabot sighed and looked over at Dr. Ramirez. She seemed at a loss for words, which I could see was why Dr. Ramirez was speaking up for most of this...she was braver than Dr. Cabot and I couldn't hold that against her.
"Delivering now could cause a host of complications. You've been awake and moving for less than a month. Your body and the baby need to adjust. I recommend bed rest, full scale. I know it's the holidays and you don't want to be admitted. It's not necessary just yet but if this progresses than it might be. Right now, it's your choice."
"Also," Dr. Cabot cut in, "if you decide to go home, no sex, no stress, and no heavy lifting...which I'm sure you haven't really been able to do since the stroke."
Britt whimpered but did not let go of my hand.
"What do you want, baby?" Britt asked me and I wanted to snap. I wanted to say, I didn't want to be in this fucking situation...that's what I wanted but it wouldn't fix anything.
"Ad-admit me. I c-can't do this a-alone."
"Are you sure?" Dr. Ramirez asked.
"Yes."
Once I made the decision to be admitted for the duration of my pregnancy, things moved pretty quickly. Dr. Cabot called up to the maternity floor and found me a single room, that I knew I'd probably pay an arm and a leg for since I'd be there for a whole month...hopefully.
Britt helped me get dressed this time around and then sat with me while I waited to get blood drawn.
Susan lingered in the background, too nervous to leave me alone with Britt, especially since Celia had gone back to the house to get me some things that would make me more comfortable for the long stay.
"Was it Ari?" Britt asked me while we waited for the nurse.
I looked into her eyes and didn't see anything there but curiosity. She wasn't mad, which surprised me.
"Yes."
"Are you two going to be a thing? I know you've always loved her."
"No. A-always and only-" I began to say but Britt shook her head.
"No, that's not true and I'm starting to think that it never was. Not really. We made a lot of big promises to each other before we even knew each other. We can't do that anymore. You need to be single and enjoying life. I know there is no chance for me and you, I'm learning that's okay. I divorced you, so I can't get mad that you've moved on...all I want is for you to be happy and if it's with Ari, that's okay."
"Okay." I said, not sure what else I could say. "D-do you w-want to be a part of this?" I asked, taking her hand and bringing it to my belly. The feel of her long fingers rubbing my stomach sent a feeling of calm through my body. I'd missed her touch more than I had realized.
"I want to...I just don't know if I can. For as long as he is out there, pulling the strings, I don't know if I can put my heart out there to get torn apart. I don't know if I'm as strong as you are."
My hands shook as I brought them to her face and wiped away her tears.
"You are." I whispered.
"I'm not."
She glanced at her mom and then at the door, before pulling back her sleeve. There in short lines were cuts, fresh ones that hadn't scabbed over, they looked angry and raw. I ran my fingers beside them and then pressed a kiss just next to them before looking at her.
"No m-more." I said, giving her a stern look.
"I want to stop...this is...me off my medicine. I thought I'd be better without the pills but I'm not and I tried taking them again like I used to, but I can't go backwards. I can't be level. I'm scared of hurting you again...the fact that you even wanted me here...you are way stronger than me on my best day."
"You c-can be st...strong, B. I have f-faith in you."
"Why?"
"I see y-ou."
She pulled me against her and held me there until the nurse arrived.
It felt good to be in her arms even if her voice was still ringing in my head.
Die. Ana. Die. Ana. Die
"I'll do anything you ask just so long as you keep having faith in me." She said, should have sounded sweet to my ears but instead it sounded like a transaction.
We still had a long way to go but I understood the intent.
I would be a fool to just let her back in but that's not what I was doing.
At least, that's what I wanted to believe.
Since Celia had left to go get stuff for me, Britt was going to drive us to the hospital in Susan's rental. I wanted to sit in the back, but Susan insisted that I take the front seat, so that's where I ended up, seated next to the woman who I was still trying to figure out.
I closed my eyes and turned on the air conditioner, feeling hot even though it was crazy cold outside. Susan and Britt kept whatever opinions they had to themselves and it made me feel good to know that I could still have some control and be selfish.
"So, Brittany, why don't you tell Santana what we talked about. I'm sure she'd like to hear about it."
"I dunno, Mom, she's got huge things on her mind."
"Tell me." I said, taking my time with the words.
"Well, I called Frankie and asked her to step in for me at work for a little bit. I'm supposed to be doing a psych hold this week, to figure out what's going on with my head. Um...after I got arrested, I had to go into therapy or go to jail. I went to therapy for like a month and then I kinda stopped. It wasn't helping because I don't have meds anymore. So, originally, I was going to go to crisis for a week and figure stuff out. I told Quinn that I was going to California for work but that wasn't true. I guess, I just felt embarrassed. Since I don't want to be gone for so long, I thought I'd just do the rest of this week...sorry that I lied."
"N-no more lies. P-promise me." I said, holding out my pinky as we got to a red light. She looked at my finger and then wrapped hers around it and squeezed.
"I promise. Even if it makes me feel icky, I'll tell the truth. Like, how it hurts that you've moved on twice now while the one time I tried was a complete bomb or how so sorry I am for everything. I really want to be better and so that was going to be my gift to you, getting better."
"Thanks, B." I sighed as we pulled up into the hospital lot. Susan patted my shoulder and I squeezed her hand before turning towards B.
"Mom, can you grab a wheelchair for her. I know I'm not supposed to be alone with her, but I could use just a moment...please?"
My hackles were raised but Susan shook her head.
"No, Brittany. We aren't there yet...you go get the wheelchair and I'll stay here with Santana. You need to earn being alone with her."
"Right, I'm sorry."
Thank God for Susan because that pout of Britt's was able to melt me even in the worst of times.
Susan seemed to be immune to it.
Teach me your ways, Susan...jeez.
By Wednesday, I wanted to climb the walls of the hospital room, I was so bored. Sandra was keeping Isaac for the rest of the week and then he was going to spend some time with Susan and Brittany once she was out of her psych hold. While B was in the hold, Susan was spending time with Mami in the city...it seemed that their standoff was called off once Britt was getting help and I was not shunning Susan.
Which was stupid to begin with, she and Mami had been friends for three years.
I was almost caught up with my journals and was just getting to the time I spent on bedrest the first time, when my phone chimed.
Hey, you busy?-Ari
Are you joking?-Ana
Right, there's something I need to run by you, and I wish we could talk on the phone, but I know how the stutter slows you down-Ari
What's wrong? Find someone else? Want to end this thing we're doing?-Ana
No and no.-Ari
Then what is it?-Ana
I'm going to call you, this is a phone conversation.-Ari
You're scaring me.-Ana
Sorry-Ari
I went to text back but then my phone screen was lighting up with a picture I had snapped at some point of her in some elaborate dance pose. She looked like an angel.
Her face popped up, she was red faced, wearing her leather jacket with the collar popped as she paced.
"You ok?" I asked and she stopped pacing. Her eyes looked a little dazed and those lips pressed into a frown told me she was shocked or nervous.
"No, I mean, I was but now I'm not because I don't know what to do. You told me to keep you low stress and I'm trying. I already feel guilty about the sex and now this...I'm too much." She rambled.
"Stop it." Score two non-stutters in a row.
"Fine, I won't make you talk too much. Are you up for a visit...this isn't even phone conversation...can I bring you food or something?"
"Hot dogs." I said and she rolled her eyes.
"Of course. I'll bring you hot dogs, do you want a milkshake?"
I hadn't but I did now.
"Yes!"
Ari showed up thirty minutes later carrying my food and two milkshakes, her face just as red earlier but now her curls looking windswept.
I grinned as she set up my bed table with the food and milkshake...then she placed just one giant chocolate chip cookie.
"You love me." I said and then I waited for her to get situated before holding my hand out to her.
Despite coming from outside, her hand was surprisingly warm.
"I do love you, want me to pray?"
"Mmmhmm." I said, head already bowed, and my eyes closed.
"Mind if I pray for more than the food?"
"Mmmhmm."
"Dear Father, please cleanse this food of any impurities and help it to nourish our bodies. Lord God, In the face of illness, we recognize our need. We need strength, we need peace, and we need You. Just as Jesus healed those who came to him, extend your hand so that Ana will receive your healing power. I ask this with my whole heart, with trust in You. Amen."
When I was looking at her again, I could see the determination in her eyes.
"Eat." I said and then began to methodically, take my hot dog and devour it. I gave myself a moment before eating the second one, slower and with more pauses. Ari didn't laugh or make rude comments, she just ate alongside me in a comfortable silence.
Once I was done the hot dogs, I sat back and folded my hand on my lap, turning my face to her as she fiddled with a straw wrapper.
"So, I got a call this morning from Carlos, he says hi. Apparently, Marco is out...has been out for a while and went back to rehab. He just got out a week ago and was asking if you were still in Lima. He has no idea what happened between you and Brittany because when you came to Lima, he was released and went into rehab. He's been there all these weeks...Carlos told him that you were in New York again and he should check with me."
"So, he did?"
"He did. I told him you were on bedrest in the hospital and that it was to keep the baby safe in your final weeks."
"And?"
"That's it...he wants to come see you."
"Why?"
"You know why. His everything revolves around you...always has. You are too much like Titi Sophie and it's warped that he took his love for his mom and turned it into anger towards someone who looks like her."
"D-does he k-know bout, B?"
"No, it was kept from him. Nico was his eyes and ears and with him gone, Marco is in the dark about almost everything to do with you."
"Good."
"Should I tell him to fuck off?"
"No."
"Wait, you want him to come?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"J-just d-don't leave."
"I won't. I'll stay the whole time."
"W-when?"
"Now if you want, I can call him."
I nodded.
"Call."
My memories of Marco haven't returned. I've documented my time with him, saw that we came to a weird truce and that he had been semi-kind to me since our divorce. I was conflicted about allowing him to see me, but I knew deep down that it was coming. I was carrying his offspring and family meant a lot to him. She meant a lot to him and I respected that.
When he came into my room, a while later carrying a teddy bear and a gift bag, my body didn't stiffen up like it had with Brittany. My body didn't feel threatened by him like it used to which means that before my coma, I had gotten to a point that I was more scared of Brittany than Marco. The very idea of that kind of reality, blew my mind.
He put the teddy bear down on an empty chair and then placed the gift bag on the bed table for me.
"It's good to see you looking so healthy."
"Fat, y-you mean."
He looked at me sideways, then I watched his eagle-eyed self-look me over...then his eyes got caught on my cane.
"What am I missing here."
"Sit down, Moncho." Ari said and he looked at her for a moment, then back at me...he looked scared. It was something I had never seen on his face before in my memory, not since I was on my hunger strike when he denied me coke.
"Something happened to you, didn't it?"
"Y-yes. Sit d-down." I stuttered out and he actually did this time. I looked over to Ari and nodded.
"When Ana came back to New York, there was a fight between her and Brittany." I sucked my milkshake down and watched Marco's face as Ari talked. Right now, he had an eyebrow arched and he was sitting stiffly. "Britt choked her...she had a stroke and then was in a coma for a month and a half. She a mini stroke after waking up. Her stutter isn't permanent, she's getting better every day. When she walks, she needs that cane. She lost most of her memory back to February, she's slowly getting her memories back."
"That's fucked up...not that I was any better...this is fucking karma. I'm so sorry, Anita." Marco must have realized the irony because he'd raped me when I was pregnant with Isaac...and got me high. He was looking at me and then at my belly. "Is that why you're here?"
"S-she's h-having se...seizures." I said and his eyes went wide. "M-my pressure is up. I n-need t-therapy e-every d-day. D-don't w-want an-other stroke."
"No...I'm going to kill her." He growled but then Ari was clamping her hand on his arm and he was covering his face with his hand. "Is this because of me? Because it's mine? She wanted to kill my baby?"
I was stunned while he cried like I had never seen before.
Who was this man?
"S-she b-broke but s-she's g-getting h-h-help." I was getting tired of talking and just rested my head back and smiled at Ari. Hoping she'd take over.
"Ana let her come to the last doctor appointment and apparently, she was attentive, and she admitted that she's was going to put herself on a psychiatric hold to help her get the right diagnosis and medicine. She's supposed to visit on Friday after she gets out."
"I'll be here." He said and I glared at him, but he glared back. "You and I came to a truce, even after I put a hit out on Nico...and you sent the mob after me with the Motta's...I'm still going to look out for you. A second stint in rehab, this time because I wanted to has me feeling a lot different about life. If I could bring Nico back or change the way that I treated you, I would. I want to be someone that my Preciosa can be proud of. That starts with holding Brittany to task."
Ari cut off his impassioned speech.
"That's just it, Moncho, Brittany won't step up to be a mom to this baby because she's afraid that you are going to step in and take this baby and you know that was your plan from the beginning."
"I am not fit to be anyone's parent. I think I've made that clear...I've seen her with Isaac, don't ask how. She is good to him and I know that if given the chance she would be good to this little girl too. I will be here on Friday and I will talk to her, ease her mind a bit."
"Y-you come. Y-you w-work." I wiggled my toes and he rolled his eyes.
Ari looked confused and Marco smirked at her.
"Every time we fought, back when I was trying my best not to be an asshole...I'd give her a pedicure."
"No way!" Ari said, looking highly amused.
"Yes. It seems that someone is going to make me prove myself." Marco said and then gave a curt nod. "Fine, I will rub your feet and paint your toes." He looked at my feet and then grimaced, "And cut your toenails because obviously you need it."
"R-rude."
After he was gone, Ari climbed into the bed with me and pressed her lips to my face, making me giggle like Isaac.
"I have never seen Moncho, so silly." She whispered and then kissed my lips. "If that was because I was close by, I can be here on Friday too."
"Yes." I said and then kissed her back. "Please."
"Okay. I have the last of my finals tomorrow, so it's a full dance day but that works out perfect since you have therapy from breakfast until dinner. Are you going to be ready for that?"
"No. T-too much."
"No, it was your idea, all of your therapy in one day so you could rest the next day. It's what you wanted so that's what's going to happen. If you hate it, I'll talk to your doctors for you."
"Yea, ok."
"Deal. I'm going to stay until you're asleep and then I need to get back to my dorm."
I puckered my lips and she kissed me hard, I buried my hand in her hair and kissed her even more.
We made out for a while until it got harder to stay awake.
She finally pulled back and just pressed a kiss to my forehead while she held me close.
The baby gave the occasional kick but was sleeping too...just the three of us, soaking up some bliss before the hellscape of therapy and finals tomorrow.
Just as I was about to fall asleep, I felt a sharp pain and then the alarms started blaring.
Ari sprung to her feet and was looking at the monitors and then the door swung open. Dr. Cabot came in looking way calmer than I felt.
She looked at the monitors and then pressed her hands to my belly, the baby was calm again and then she looked at my monitors.
"Your pressure spiked, it seems when that happens, the baby's body goes haywire."
"She was falling asleep; how could her pressure have spiked?" Ari asked and I nodded in agreement.
"What did you eat for dinner?"
Ari went pale and then looked guilty
"Hot dogs."
Dr. Cabot nodded and wrote down notes in the chart.
"No more outside food, stick to the menu provided at the hospital. That's why you chose to be here instead of at home. You want a controlled environment for your daughter. I'm going to up your hydration to flush that extra sodium out of your body. Let this be a lesson...okay?" She glared at Ari and the poor girl nodded profusely.
"No more, I'm sorry."
"It's fine, Santana knew better." I was glaring at Dr. Cabot and she rolled her eyes.
"You'll feel better soon, it looks like her numbers are already calming. I'll be back in to see how your numbers look."
"Okay." I said to the doctor before she left. I rubbed my belly, then I looked over at Ari who was putting on her jacket with tears in her eyes. "Hey, I'm ok." I said and she nodded.
"Right, I know that. I guess, I just wanted to make you happy and I forgot that you shouldn't be eating stuff like that. I'm so sorry if I hurt the baby."
"Y-you d-didn't f-force me."
"Don't give me the addict speech again. The drug dealer is just as responsible for supplying the drugs as the addict is for taking them...maybe even more so."
My arms were folded over my chest as I tried to glare but she wouldn't allow it.
She peppered my face with kisses until I was smiling at her, then she gave me one last kiss before handing me the journal I had been reading and my phone.
"L-love you." I said and she nodded.
"I love you too. Try to relax, I'll let you know when I get back home. See you Friday, bright and early."
I held out my pinky for a promise and she took it.
Giving it a squeeze.
Even with this feeling of utter contentment that Ari brought, I knew that my heart didn't skip the way it did having Britt touch me or kiss me.
Is it wrong that I still had hope for us?
Maybe when all my memories are back, I'll feel different.
Seeing Marco and how easy it was to be around him, didn't do anything but make me have more hope for B and me.
Her hurt was my hurt.
I'd married her at some point, even if it wasn't real...the love had been there.
Both times I'd been married.
Right now, though, Ari was what I needed, and I knew that.
I had to trust God's plan, even if I didn't understand it.
Thursday was hell.
Drug counseling took a turn, no longer were we coloring and talking occasionally, the counselor had received my rehab files from Lima and was now talking to me about things that I barely remembered.
I had to pull out my journal from the time that I was getting high when I was pregnant...and we had to talk about the overdose last year after Papi died and Marco. So much Marco talk.
Did she care that I stuttered my way through the conversations?
No. She didn't give one flying motherfuck and I had to give her props for that. My need to throw a tantrum meant nothing because she was trying to prevent me from going back to drugs in just a month...when the baby would be out, and my mobility would be easier.
My memories were like swiss cheese, full of holes...my last complete ones were when I was deep in addiction. I understood the reason for the tough love, and I appreciated it, but I didn't like it.
Not even a little bit.
She had me write down how I felt now in relation to drugs and triggers.
Then she would read it and we'd talk more.
By the time we finished talking for two hours, I was practically begging her to leave.
Thankfully, my physical therapist came in with a whole new machine to work my body...a recumbent bike.
Perfect.
By the time that my speech therapist showed up after lunch, I was feeling homicidal.
She came into the room and smiled at me, "So...I thought we could do something a little different today...music maybe?"
"Okay." I said and she smiled.
She pulled a miniature keyboard from behind her back and I flexed my fingers, kind of excited to play.
"Today, we are singing notes. You'll play a note then sing the chord. Do you think you can do that?"
"G-god yes." I said and she nodded.
Everything before that therapy session had been literal help but playing that piano and singing notes, not even full words but just the notes gave me so much hope.
I had done so well and got so wrapped up that two hours flew by and I was in tears when she had to take the keyboard away.
She promised to bring it back on Saturday, in the meantime my homework was to sing acapella.
Our first song was filled with one and two syllable words.
Twinkle, Twinkle little star.
I'd learned to play that on the piano when I was six, my memory and my fingers had not forgotten the placement.
And after she left, I found a piano app that I had already downloaded on my phone.
I played until dinner time and then spent the rest of my evening singing it to Ari while she twirled around an empty dance studio.
She didn't tire of the repeated playing of the same song and I didn't tire of watching her.
It wasn't long before I had gone rogue and was just playing chords while she danced.
If watching her and Britt dance was the last thing I could ever do, I would die happy.
The only thing that could make that better is knowing that my children were safe.
And loved.
I had so many hopes that night as I drifted to sleep.
My prayers were all centered around tomorrow going well.
Hope and prayers, prayers and hope...that's all I could control...that faith in something better.