Chapter 24: Grieving (Kehlani feat. James Blake)
When Marco and Ari left around dinner time, all seemed to be well, but I can't say that I didn't have a sense of dread. Seeing that spark of anger in Britt when Ari leaned in and kissed my lips, not knowing that I hadn't really had a full out discussion of what we were with B, worried me.
Once the door was closed and Isaac was sitting in between my legs staring at Elmo on my tablet, Britt turned towards me and swiftly reminded me that all was not well.
"Can you not rub her in my face?" She said and I felt my happy mood nearly disappear.
"I'm n-not."
"You are and I get it, you moved on, but it hurts to watch."
"W-we are d-divorced...n-not that I r-remember our m-marriage too w-well but still..."
"It was a disaster. We were never on the same page. I was hardly ever level and you were flirting with everything that moved."
"Low b-blow. I'm s-sure th-that's n-not how it w-went."
"If you say so, look, I don't want to fight, especially not with Izzy here. It's just a lot to take in, so much has happened and I'm still processing. I'm violating my probation just being here with you and I know there's a line that I can't cross, I am going to keep my word. If I act up, I go to jail. You can be with whoever you want, I just need you to promise me that I get to be on her birth certificate."
"W-why?"
"What? You were basically begging me to be her parent and now you're questioning me?"
"T-that was old me. T-this me, w-wants to know w-why you c-care?"
"I love her and you and Izzy. I want to be a family."
"H-how if we were a dis-disaster? Y-you hurt me."
The anger that had been brewing in her eyes dissipated after that, especially when Isaac started to whine.
"I wasn't myself; I broke and I'm so fucking sorry...okay?" She was closer now, her hands in fists at her sides and her face insanely red as she spoke through gritted teeth. "I know it's hard for you to move past it when you're still feeling the aftereffects but damn, I'm trying." She had tears in her eyes as she reached for Isaac, but he shook his head. "Come on buddy, we are going home."
"Mama...no...mama...no." Isaac whined and then turned away from the tablet and buried his face against my stomach. I rubbed his back and kissed his head.
"Shhh...Mami's h-here, Papa." His little body shook against me and I glared at B.
"Call your mom. NOW." I said, grateful for how clearly my demand came out. "Y-you are in no con-condition to take h-him."
"I'm not going to hurt you or him."
"Call." I said and she backed down.
I held my son's shaking body against me and could feel my own tears burning against my face as I listened to her end of the conversation.
"Mom, can you come get Izzy...what, no...she's sitting right here...no...no...I swear, mom. Please?" She groaned and then handed the phone to me. "She wants to talk to you."
"Hi, M-mom." I said and Britt glared at me. If this is even a fraction of what she was like before the coma, God, how had I felt safe being in that house alone with her?
"Santana, are you okay?"
"Yes."
"Did you ask her to call me? You need me to come there?"
"I did, it w-would be better than the al-alternative." I said and Britt's glare turned to a snarl.
"I'm not going to hurt anyone! What the fuck!" She snapped at me and then Isaac was crying louder with his head thrown back as he hugged me tight. It felt like he was trying to protect me and that shouldn't be something he feels the need to do at barely one year old.
"We are in the cab. Veronica is messaging Dr. Cabot as we speak. We will be there shortly. Do you want me to stay on the phone?"
"Um...no..." I said as I tried to soothe Isaac.
Britt had walked across the room now and was bent over with her hands on her knees as she stared at the floor.
"You sound uncertain, I'm going to stay on until Dr. Cabot gets to you."
"Okay."
I could feel it happening, the stirring in my stomach, I looked at the monitors and watched the baby's heart rate climb. "B?" I called to her and she didn't move. "B!" I screamed as I felt the pain coming.
My body began to shake as the alarms went off and then I heard the scuff of her sneakers, then there was a ringing in my ears as I was turned to my side. Isaac was gone from the bed and now there were more voices in the room.
Everything was fuzzy and drowned out, I squeezed my eyes shut as the headache came.
Then I was floating...calm...collected.
Peaceful.
Waking up, felt a lot like the first time, a tube down my throat and a fogginess in my head.
There was more beeping, and my first instinct was to feel my stomach, feel for her. My hands rested on my stomach which was somehow bigger and lower than before. I pressed and got a few kicks right back.
She was still there.
I felt the tears but didn't let myself get too worked up.
As my vision cleared a bit, I could see that I wasn't in the same room as before. This room was glass on three sides with curtains halfway through the two side walls. I was in the ICU, that much was clear but for how long this time?
I locked eyes with the person at reception and she smiled at me before picking up the phone and calling someone.
My bet was on Dr. Cabot...and I was right...two minutes later with another doctor in lockstep with her, came Dr. C looking older somehow.
The glass door slid open after she put on a mask and gloves.
"Hi Santana, Dr. Fuentes is going to take that tube out, you've done this before...it will be uncomfortable...yadda yadda."
I nodded and then he went to work, and it was just as nauseating as the first time. Once he had it out, he shined a light down my throat and then into my eyes.
"State your name." He said.
"Santana Lo...pez."
"Wh-what month is it?"
"Dec-cember."
"Good. What is the sex of your baby?"
"G-girl."
"Okay, you don't seem to have any memory loss of recent events. That's a positive sign. Can you tell me your son's name?"
"I-Isaac."
"And how old are you?"
"N-nineteen."
"Long term memory seems to be intact as well. Are you ready to hear the rundown?"
"Yes."
"You've suffered a seizure and a cardiac episode, Ms. Lopez and it's a good sign that you are able to speak to me today. Once the baby arrives, we will give you a full workup to locate the source of these episodes. Okay?"
"Okay."
I could feel it in my gut, that this was the event that Dr. Cabot was worried about when she had tried to convince me to give birth. This time though, I was ready. We couldn't keep going like this.
Dr. Fuentes left and Dr. Cabot flicked a switch that turned all the walls to an opaque white color...I knew what came next, an exam.
"Dr. R-Ramirez?" I asked.
"She had to go back to Lima, there was a patient emergency, but she asked me to update her once you were awake."
"H-How long?" I asked.
"Just over a day, I got to you in time and was able to intervene. Your family got here shortly after we stabilized you, soon after I got you stable, you had a heart attack. It was all very terrifying, but we moved you up here to isolate your body from any outside infections. I want to check in on the baby and then you have a profoundly serious decision to make."
"It's time?" I asked.
"Your body has been through hell and there's no telling what effect that has had on your daughter. The NICU here is one of the best in the country, she will be in good hands and so will you."
"Okay, do it."
She smiled and nodded.
"Good, I'm glad I didn't have to strongarm you, we want to make sure you are stable before we take you in. Your heart is not strong enough for natural labor, so unfortunately a cesarean is going to be your only option."
"Okay, do it."
"Once you are stable and we can take you down to the maternity floor...I want you to call whoever you need to call to be with you during your delivery...just one person, I don't want you to be alone in that room."
A few faces flashed through my mind, B...Ari...Quinn...Mami...even Marco but I was unsure of who I wanted there.
She gave me a smile and then showed just a bit of the familiarity that Dr. Ramirez was known for.
"No matter who you choose, it's going to be one of the best days of your life and the person by your side won't matter...all that will matter is making sure that you and her are both safe and alive."
"Ok."
I got cleared to leave the ICU by dinner time and was due to head back to my old room in the morning. My body wasn't strong enough just yet to go through a cesarean, but Dr. Cabot was sure that by early next week it would be time, which worked for me. Even though it would be cute to have a Christmas baby, I wanted her to have her own day.
Once the exam was complete, I was on strict orders to rest and I didn't put up a fight.
I was tired.
That night, with my head still buzzing and my eyesight terrible, I finally managed to get Dr. Cabot to give me my phone.
I had a bunch of messages wishing me well but there was really only one person I wanted to talk to.
Surprise, bitch, I'm awake-San
I just choked on my wine!-Q
I have a huge decision to make, when can you come?-San
Wanky, I just did!-Q
Ewww, I'd like not to think of my sister like that. #gag-San
Wasn't your sister ;) Just me and my hand tonight-Q
Oh. Been there. Still in ICU, come see me in the morning if you don't have class?-San
Winter break, only plan is sleep.-Q
Come spend the day with me?-San
You got it babe-Q
Just one request...it's a big one.-San
Anything.-Q
Don't tell anyone I'm awake. Not yet-San
Oh. They've all been circling. Your doctor hasn't updated anyone but your mom since she's your Medical POA-Q
That's exactly who I didn't want to know, since when did she become that?-San
Since your divorce from Marco, it was never B. You can change it at any time though-Q
Can I change it to you?-San
If you're serious about it, then yes. I'll do it.-Q
Thank you! Thank you!-San
I felt shaky as I brought a spoonful of lukewarm soup to my lips. My throat was still raw from the breathing tube but at least I was awake and alert.
My phone chimed.
When I looked over, I saw that it was from Sal.
Got a minute?-Salvatore
Yes, talk to me-Santana
Just finished setting up the scholarship fund with Columbia, CUNY, and NYU, thought it wouldn't feel so targeted if we did it that way.-Salvatore
Did you make sure to let them know that the award recipient at Columbia was already selected for the school year?-Santana
Yes, I have set it up 250k per student after completion of a successful first semester.-Salvatore
So, in total, 1M a year, will we be able to deduct this?-Santana
Absolutely, you'll get a tax break, but I know that wasn't the first thing on your mind initially, something change?-Salvatore
No. Just being thorough. When will she find out?-Santana
She will be notified in the morning, as will your other three recipients. Parameters, achieving 3.4 or higher, overcoming adversity, community service, and pursuing medicine, law, or a specialty.-Salvatore
Perfect! Did the other schools find the right people?-Santana
Yes. Two POCs to boot.-Salvatore
Even better! What did you name the award?-Santana
S.L.A.M Award, Aka Santana Lopez & Aden Matos award.-Salvatore.
Mami's maiden last name, genius. What are you telling them that S.L.A.M stands for?-Santana
Specialty, Law, and Medicine.-Salvatore
The door slid open and Dr. Cabot had her head down, staring at her tablet but then cleared her throat when I finished sending my message to Sal.
Thanks, Sal. Gotta go. Send the courier this week please!-Santana
I looked at my doctor and ignored the chime of my phone that was likely just Sal saying goodnight.
"So, there's a shortage of beds in the ICU as of tonight, your room is ready so an orderly will be here shortly to get you moved back to your room."
"Okay."
"How are you feeling?"
"Sh-shaky and tired."
"That's to be understood. I hope that you're limiting your phone usage, to give your brain a rest?"
"Yes. D-did y-you tell an-anyone I w-woke up?"
"I know it's my job to do that, however the amount of stress that has come from your mother has exacerbated the situation. I wanted to give you a full day of rest before I notified her. I hope that's alright."
"Fine. I-I want to c-change my med-POA."
Her eyes went wide.
"Are you sure?"
"Y-yes. I w-want Quinn."
"Okay, I can see if we have the forms on hand. I just need your signature and hers."
"I-I w-will sign, t-today."
"Okay, I'll go track down your file and I will meet you in your room with a sonogram machine and the paperwork. Is there anyway, you can convince her to come down now? Without her signature, I would still be obligated to tell Gladys."
"Yes."
"Well, finish eating, text Quinn and I'll see you in a bit."
I finished dinner and convinced Q to come down asap before closing my eyes to rest.
The sleep came fast and didn't let me go, even though I could feel my body cruising as they moved me down the maternity ward. I knew that opening my eyes would make me dizzy, so I kept them closed as I listened to Dr. Cabot murmuring to herself.
"How ya feeling, Santana?"
"Tired." I said, rubbing at my belly, my eyes still closed. I felt the drop of the elevator and the soup in my stomach swirled. "N-nauseous."
I could hear the sound of new babies crying and women moaning. Soon that would be me...at least the new baby part, I had yet to experience real labor and it seemed that wasn't in the cards for me.
Once I was docked in my room, I finally opened my eyes even with knowing that throwing up was a real possibility, I wanted to stay awake for every moment...especially since the plan was to check in on my little girl.
There was knock on the door and then Quinn poked her head in.
"Can I enter?"
"Please." I said and she smiled wide.
When Q was by my side, I felt calm in a way that was entirely different than Ari or what used to be with Britt, with her I felt that protection that she always provided. She kissed my forehead and then leaned close to my ear while Dr. Cabot got to work setting up the machine.
"I brought you a change of clothes and your favorite shampoo...and some nail polish for your fingernails. I saw you had been biting them again."
I looked at my nails and saw the ridged edges, it had been what I did while reading the more stressful parts of my journals, I didn't think anyone had noticed. I used to hate the habit but then I had to stop smoking and my brain was treacherous these days.
"Thanks."
"Hey, Ms. Fabray, you're not giving her any stressful news are you?" Dr. Cabot said with a raised eyebrow.
"Definitely not. Just wanted to give her a manicure...if I'm allowed to stay for a bit, that is?"
"As long as you don't stress her out, you can stay. Once we get through this exam, I have the change of POA paperwork ready for you to sign."
"Great!" She smiled and then pulled up a chair to the side of the bed, probably feeling the ache in her thigh that still bothered her from her leg break and then I remembered...the way she hurtled from the top of the pyramid, the way that Sue screamed and the way she ate pudding when she was high on pain meds.
"Y-your leg...d-does it hurt?" I asked and she looked surprised.
"It does, wait...did you just remember that day?"
"Yes."
"That was a crazy time, do you remember just that or anything before?"
"The fall and t-then v-visiting you a-at the hosp-hospital."
She nodded and I knew that more had happened, but she wasn't supposed to be stressing me and from the look on her face, whatever happened before the break had been really bad.
"That's more than enough remembering, San...oh look, the baby!" She said, diverting my attention to the screen.
"Her heart is strong, not as fast as before your seizure, her movements are slower now that she has dropped which is normal...at this rate, if you stay relatively calm...she could be here in a few days."
"What?" Q said, sounding shocked. "But Santana isn't due for at least four more weeks."
I grabbed Q's hand and squeezed.
"Be c-calm."
"I am...just...you asked me to come tonight and didn't say why other than needing me to sign papers. There's more, isn't there?"
I nodded to Dr. Cabot and then watched my daughter move about on the screen.
There were tears and then I was remembering more...the way that Dr. Ramirez had told Britt about my gestational diabetes and my blood pressure. The disappointment on her face...the way I begged her to go with me that day...then more, checking my sugar everyday, the insulin needles I hated because they reminded me of my heroine overdose. The way that Britt was with me at the hospital, the way that I disappointed Britt again and again...the awe on her face when she realized it was a girl...then the anger. It was all scrambled and it made my head hurt. And then I began to sob, and the machine flared to life for a split second before it stopped.
"Santana, sweetheart, it's going to be okay."
"I'm ok." I said, pushing down the overwhelming feelings and focusing on my daughter...and only my daughter.
"So, when can I sign?" Q asked trying to change the subject.
Dr. Cabot completed my exam and then updated my chart before grabbing her tablet. She had the DocuSign papers up and then put it on the side table before swinging it to rest in front of me.
I wiped my face and then sat up, feeling a pinch in my side. Like Marco had taught me, I read over the paperwork and then signed my name before pushing the tablet towards Q.
She read the same document and then her finger hovered.
"You're sure?"
"I am."
She nodded and then her looping signature was below mine.
"Alright, it's official, I'll forward these to Sal. Are you staying the night, Quinn?"
"If that's alright, can you find me a cot or something, I'm nervous to be up there with her."
"Absolutely, I'll have one sent in. If you plan to help her shower, you know the protocol...she must use the wheelchair and have limited time on her feet."
"Will, do thanks, Doctor Cabot."
"If you need anything, just let me know. I'm on until midnight."
"R-right h-here too." I grumbled.
They both chuckled and then Dr. Cabot printed out the sonogram and handed me the pictures.
I sat staring at my daughter's 3D image, seeing the shape of my own face and nose was trippy.
"She's your twin...God help us all." Q said.
"I-I know."
After Quinn got me washed up and ran a brush through my hair until it was tangle free, she helped me into bed and then settled on the cot that had been put right next to it. Even though the room was only lit by the overhead lamp above my bed, she sat up alert like it was midday.
"Tell me." I said.
"What, exactly? I don't want to get your pressure up."
"All of it. Just h-hold my hand." She leaned forward and took my hand in hers and began tracing her fingers over my palm. It calmed me to watch her as she told me everything that I had missed.
"Stop me if it's too much."
"Ok."
"So, Britt told me about the other day, I missed a lot apparently. Your seizure really scared her; it was a real wake up call for her that what she did to you was something you're very much still paying for. She's headed back to the psych ward. Instead of two and a half days, she's going to be there all week. Your mom took Isaac back and is being a bitch about letting anyone outside the family see him. Susan left for Lima last night, she's coming back with Court and Rob on Christmas Eve. I invited them all to stay at the house...well not B, but her family, is that okay?"
She looked up for my approval and I nodded. The baby was stirring but I hummed and rubbed my stomach, she settled again, thankfully. I looked over at the monitors...mine and then hers. We were level...thank God.
"Th-that's good."
"I just don't know what to do about your mom."
"N-nothing. I w-won't f-fight her over my s-son. N-not yet."
"Since when did you become patient?"
"Learned it f-from you."
"Aww!"
"J-just wanna be h-home." I said to her as I curled up on my side.
"Well, I have been busy in your nursery because I've been all alone in that house lately with all this fighting I've been doing with Ceily. I hope you don't mind."
"Pics?" I asked.
She pulled out her phone and then showed me the nursery at the house...a room I didn't even remember, until I saw it.
The crib that Nico had bought Isaac sat off to the side, there was a second crib next to it with purple sheets and a teddy bear. The the walls had black and white wallpaper and there were bookshelves now. Memories flooded my mind...moving into the house...making the nursery Isaac's happy place. Filling it with Elmo and light show night lights. The treatments I would give him daily as he adjusted to the house but then instead of the room, I was seeing those eyes.
"You okay?" She asked, as she lowered the phone and moved as close to my bed as she could without falling off her own. "It's too much?" She was looking at my monitors now and then back at me. "Breathe, San...the numbers are getting higher not as high as they have been, but they are slowly climbing. Breathe, honey." She whispered and then leaned in and pressed a kiss to my lips.
The kiss brought me back to myself and I calmed, pulling back, and wiping at my face.
"Ian. He l-loved me, so much." I whispered.
"Yeah he did."
"H-he wanted her to h-have that n-name."
"Daniel." She said.
"Daniela." I said clearly and then felt the baby kick softly.
Quinn smiled. "I guess she approves."
"Wh-what's it m-mean?"
I watched as she scrolled through her phone. Then she smiled.
"Fitting for a child of Marco and Santana Lopez, it means only God is my judge...or in present terms only God can judge me."
I grinned.
"P-perfect...what about me a-and Marco?"
"Your name meanings?" She asked and I nodded. "Oh, I like this game, will it help get your mind calm?"
"Yes."
"Okay, let's start with you. Follower of St. Anna or Anne, she's the patron saint of unmarried women and wannabe mother's. She was the mother of the virgin Mary."
"Weird." I said.
"Let's see, Marco means warlike, how fitting." She rolled her eyes. "And Brittany means...oh boring just from Britain but Susan means lily flower."
I smiled when Britt had once told me those were the lesbian of flowers.
"Ian?" I asked.
She scrolled and then smiled, "God is gracious." She said all breathy, then she was scrolling again, "And I'm wisdom and intelligence, how fitting." She smirked but I rolled my eyes.
"Lu-cille." I said and she glared but then she brightened up.
"Light...look at that I am a light of wisdom in your life oh lover of the grandma of Jesus. Your sister though, her name means...heaven. Yeah, when she doesn't have her head up her own ass, she can be like heaven, I could say the same about you come to think of it." I stuck out my tongue and then said the next name that came to mind.
"Ari."
"Wow, hers fits better than mine or Marco's...it means very holy."
I swooned and then yawned. My sadness had passed, and I just reached out my hand again once she had put her phone next to mine to charge.
"From what Ceily told me, she and Sandra plan to come visit you tomorrow. They don't know you're awake though...so rest and enjoy some peace while you have it."
"Night, baby girl." I whispered.
"Night, honey bun."
"You're kidding?!" I woke up to Quinn's voice, which was usually breathy and low but was now much higher, and breathless. "Is this for real?"
I opened my eyes and watched her get the news of the scholarship, she caught my eyes and was grinning, her eyes wide. 250k would be enough to cover the rest of her college expenses. She wouldn't have to work or worry about a thing.
"What?" I asked and she held up a finger.
"So, I just need to keep my grades up and graduate, that's it? Well who are these people? No names? Just SLAM...that's weird. You're sure it's legit though? Right, okay, well thank you so much. I'll see you next semester." She put her phone down and squealed. "I just got the most amazing scholarship, San...I was so worried about needing to take out loans next year since Russell was only covering my freshman year and now...shit. Can I hug you?"
I held my arms open and she wrapped her arms around me, burying her face against my neck. There was wetness as she cried and then she pulled back and looked me in the eyes.
"This is so dope, Q." I said and she wiped at her face.
"You did this, I know it."
"What?" I said.
"Santana, you have never been able to lie to me. I know this was you and I know that you know I wouldn't have taken this money any other way, but you paid it directly to the school. You made sure I couldn't give it back. Thank you for this, I'm going to repay you."
"No idea wh-what you're talking about." I said and she rolled her eyes.
"Fine, you don't want to claim it. I won't push...just know that I plan to get your money's worth. I'll become super involved; you name it. I'll do it."
"Um...okay."
"Oh God, thank you, thank you!" She said again, hugging me so tight. "I love you so fucking much."
"I love you, too." I said rubbing her back as she cried against my shoulder.
When Dr. Cabot came in following my breakfast in, she looked worried.
"Is everything alright?"
Quinn pulled away and smiled.
"These are happy tears; I just got a scholarship that's going to pay my way through Columbia!"
Dr. Cabot grinned and nodded. "As a future doctor, you are going to be so grateful for this. I'm still paying off med school."
"Yikes."
"Hey now, I'm only 40." Quinn laughed and then sat down on her cot, knowing that this baby needed to be first in this moment. "So, your first night went well and your numbers from your morning vitals are spectacular. Have you given any thought to who you'd want in the delivery room?"
"Q." I said and then I watched Quinn's face light up. Christmas had come early for her today.
"I'd love that, I guess that means I need to be on standby for the next few days?"
"Actually, I consulted with Dr. Fuentes, the cardiologist on call, and with Dr. Ramirez. We'd like to get her out today."
"How did you get to that conclusion?" Q asked as she felt the tremble in my hand that she was holding. I was trying to be calm.
"Dr. Fuentes is the neuro God of this place and he wants to find the source of Santana's seizures before it gets worse, he can't do that with her being pregnant. The cardiologist is also the chief, he said that when it comes to matters of the heart, waiting can make matters worse. The medicines that can help Santana would hurt the baby. Her numbers since her seizure and cardiac arrest have been level and non-problematic. The pattern of the baby's seizures seems to be every three days or so, Today would be day three. We'd like to be able to treat her if the pattern persists."
All I could think was that there was a cardiologist that I trusted above all others and I wouldn't do anything until I had her opinion.
"Mari." I said to Q. "Please."
Dr. Cabot raised an eyebrow.
"She wants a second cardiologist opinion from her sister."
"Oh, I didn't know you had a cardiologist in the family...if that would help to calm your fears, by all means give me her information and I'll get in contact with her immediately."
Quinn got showered and dressed while I ate breakfast, thankfully visiting hours hadn't started yet because I was feeling exhausted, the idea that my baby could potentially be here today had me feeling anxious. Now that I was presented with the probability, my heart still wanted Britt to be there for the birth of our child. Even now, after everything, I couldn't imagine raising a baby with anyone else.
I missed her and what we were working towards before the world fell apart. Seeing Isaac with her just reminded me that she was good at this mom thing, I had my memories back but was scared shitless about being a mom again.
And while Quinn would be there, she'd done this before naturally and knew what I was feeling, she wasn't B.
"You're crying, what, is the food that bad?" Q asked as she came into the room looking as beautiful, as ever.
"I m-miss her." I admitted and she nodded.
"It's okay that you want her here, it makes sense. No matter what has gone on between you two, she's always been there for Isaac. She always refers to this as her baby too, her talk with Marco seems to have encouraged her to be here but even if she could be, she's not even in New York. She's in Ohio...she's in treatment there."
My heart fell.
"Oh."
"Yeah, I will record what they let me and make sure that she sees it when she gets her phone back. I can even call Susan before we go in."
"Okay."
"Sorry she can't be here."
"Me too."
"I'm here though."
I smiled at her and opened my arms up. She hugged me again, this time without tears.
"Th-thanks Q."
I took a nap after I ate, Q tried to get me to eat more because if I was going under they weren't going to let me eat after a certain time, but I just wanted to rest. I cradled my belly and tried not to get worked up...sleeping was the only way.
But then Britt was in my dreams. Over and over, I kept remembering how she held me at cheer camp. My mind kept cycling through our relationship and then I was in the diner. I was seeing Mr. Evans...I was alerting Nico...I was seeing Carmen pregnant trying to stop the blood.
I was seeing Britt in a puddle of her own blood and she was asking if I was okay.
Those eyes.
Over and over they looked at me.
The feelings were overwhelming, I could tell I was asleep, I could feel the need to weep in my dreams.
It was like I was grieving our relationship...the death of what we had.
Voices broke through my tears and then a cool hand was touching my face...when I opened my eyes another set of blue eyes was looking at me.
"Su-Mom." I said to Susan and she smiled.
"You were whimpering, are you okay?"
"Q, s-said..." I tried to get my thoughts together.
"I did, we went to Ohio yesterday to check in Brittany and she refused. Her gut told her she needed to be here...so...she's in the hallway waiting because I wanted to make sure you were okay with her even being here."
Relief filled me.
"Yes. Please." I said, tears coming more.
Susan nodded and then waved at the window in the door.
Quinn came in with Britt right behind her.
"Q told me...I'm so sorry baby." Britt said as she stood next to her mom.
This just seemed unreal.
Seriously, was this happening.
My head hurt so much, and I pressed my hands to it...I waited for the machines to flare but nothing came...just an overwhelming heat.
"Britt." I called out as I faded to darkness again.
I woke up in my dream world, this time in my house staring up at the chandelier in my guest room.
"Hey." Called a voice that I had long forgotten.
Then I sat up and saw those eyes.
My voice returned to me.
"You're supposed to be dead you jerkface." I said to Ian and he laughed.
"Well I am."
"Wait, did I die? Is that what this is?"
"No, you're very much alive, I can only see you like this though."
"What's wrong with me?"
"Your heart is tired...so is your mind."
"I'm naming her after your Da, like you asked."
"I know, thank you. I wish I could be there to hold her."
"Me too...I miss you so much Papa Bear."
"You have me in our little Squish. When you're better, give him a million kisses and hugs from me, okay?"
"Okay."
"I love you, Santana."
"Wait, should I trust her?"
"You already do, you never stopped, that's been your biggest blind spot."
"So, you're saying don't?"
"I'm saying follow your gut. You know her better but that's not why I'm here."
"Then why?"
"Santana, I can't tell you what's coming but I can say that you need to fight like hell. Do you understand?"
"Don't I always?"
"No, you don't. There's going to be dark moments and I need you to know that with death, there's always a fork in the road. A moment that can decide if it's your time or not. Sometimes you get several moments, this is me telling you if you don't fight, you die."
"What? Haven't I been through enough?"
"I know, Mami but if you fight, there's so much good coming...you can't even imagine. So, fight like hell. Okay?"
"Okay."
"I love you." He said kissing my face and then I was hit with a burst of air and noise from all sides.
I was floating again but this time the water was just cradling me, the coolness lapping at my body as I moved with the current. I looked up at the stars and they twinkled so bright, like it was just for me.
When I opened my eyes again, it was dark outside and I was cramping, my stomach feeling like it was having its own Earthquake. I put my hands to my stomach and felt little kicks, the cramping wasn't her.
I looked around and there stood Britt facing the window with headphones on, as she danced. A throat cleared from the other side of my bed and I didn't feel irritation, just security that I wasn't alone with B. Quinn sat on her cot, pouring over a textbook even though it was supposed to be her winter break.
"How was your nap?" She asked quietly.
"S-saw Ian." I said.
"Did you?"
"Mmmhmm."
"You fainted, despite what the cardiologist thought, your heart was not ready for a cesarean. Not yet. Mari is on her way; she was already headed to New York for the holidays. You've been asleep for about six hours. Dr. C, thinks your body just needed the rest."
"It did."
"Dr. C says that if you want Britt in the room, it's okay to change your mind."
"Y-you sure?"
"Yes, she came back to New York for you two. I'm still angry about so much when it comes to her but when it comes to your babies, that's their Mama and she's a good one...she should be there. I'm not offended."
"Th-thanks."
"Say less, San."
Turns out the pain I was feeling were contractions.
Not Braxton Hicks...real, honest to God contractions. I was in labor and the moment that Dr. Cabot realized it, she was hovering, but she wouldn't say why she looked nervous. The last thing you want is for your doctor to look nervous.
That did not instill confidence.
Quinn and Britt were allowed to stay in the room with me.
But I couldn't walk around, it seemed Dr. Cabot wanted to slow my labor down instead of speed it up.
My heart was the reason. When Damariz walked into my room half an hour after the contractions got closer together...Dr. Cabot let out a breath. My sister wasn't allowed to treat me, but she still came in there and read through my charts and then began to make demands.
I didn't actually talk to her until she had all of my doctors in one room. Britt fed me ice chips and Quinn murmured sweet and calming things to me as I watched my sister out in the hall dressing down all of the doctors, waving my file in front of her, pointing at things. Then there was Sal...her usually silent husband who was a heart surgeon, he was saying things.
"The contractions are getting closer, how are you feeling?"
"Tired." I whimpered. "H-hungry."
"Do you want me to go get Dr. Cabot?" Q asked but I shook my head as another contraction hit and then I felt hot and couldn't breathe and the machines flared.
The door banged open and my sister was in front of everyone else.
"Fix it!" She yelled and the machines were turned off, I was being readjusted, examined while my sister rubbed my head and kissed my forehead. She told me not to worry, that they'd do everything they should have been doing.
And she was right because shortly after my exam Dr. Cabot went into beast mode.
"We need to prep the OR; the baby is in distress."
Everything was a whirlwind after that.
Britt suited up in scrubs and I was wheeled down the hall. I had on a heart monitor and an oxygen mask as they prepped me. I was fighting like hell not to cry because I was sure that I wouldn't be able to stop once I started.
Ocean eyes looked back at me, Britt's face was inches from mine, closer than we had been since she'd choked me. Right now, though her hands were caressing my face.
"You're so strong, baby. It's going to be okay, I'm here...and I will spend the rest of my life making things up to you." I wanted to talk but I couldn't. "Just breathe and I will be here to handle the rest."
Unlike the first time that I gave birth where I didn't want to know what was going on since I was so busy being guilty for dumb shit, this time I was living off of every word Britt said.
"You're all numbed up, they are about to cut you" I nodded and then Dr. Cabot was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear her, my ears were solely trained on B. A nurse dabbed sweat off my face and another watched the heart monitor. Then I felt pressure...Britt was biting her lip and rubbing my head as she watched. "Okay, they're going in. Wow, Dr. C is a pro, she's got her head now and she has so much hair...wow...wait...uh what's happening doc?"
"Just clearing her passages...almost there."
Britt's face went from nervous to awe as she watched and then a loud cry pierced the air.
"Brittany, do you want to cut the cord?" Dr. Cabot asked and B looked at me, I just nodded. There was movement and shuffling of feet as I stared up at the ceiling. My mind kept going back to the first time when they wouldn't let us see the baby and then how I passed out.
This time, when I felt the sway of my body, I fought. Ian's words came to me and I inhaled the oxygen, the minutes between Britt leaving my side to see the baby and me seeing her again felt infinite.
But then she was coming back with tears in her eyes and big smile on her face, the baby wrapped up and tucked in her arms.
"They're cleaning you up, I thought you'd want to see her." I nodded and Britt put the baby's face next to mine. I wanted to smell her and kiss her but the mask was in the way. Just being able to at least feel her there, against me made the need to fight stronger. "She's so beautiful. I swear that everything I have and everything I am is for the three of you. I'll tattoo it on my face in neon pink if I have to. Always and only you three." Britt said before pressing a kiss to the baby's shoulder.
And just like that at 19, I was a mother of two and I only felt love.
So much love.