A/N: Hola my lovelies, two quick things.

1st-2020 has been a hard year for so many people, right now the universe beckons us to just lead with love. Life is too fucking short...don't waste your energy on negativity, there's already enough of that.

2nd-In this rewrite I have tried to go as far as I could in just a single POV but this story needs perspective and so, from here on out we will flip POV between S & B.

Chapter 26: this is me trying (Taylor Swift)

Brittany's POV

I don't know what made me stay after the whole family left and I don't know why I sat outside the room while Marco and Ari were in there for almost an hour.

All that I knew was that I couldn't leave her, it felt wrong to do that, she was here because of something that I did.

The strokes, the seizures, and the hard pregnancy was all because I couldn't keep my stupid hands to myself.

We hadn't really been alone yet and that had been on purpose, Izzy was our buffer and now Dani...sweet, beautiful, and tiny little Daniela, a baby that I have been obsessing about for months.

I even had a tracker on my phone that told me what size fruit she was based on how long Ana had been pregnant.

Last I checked she was pumpkin...now she's this living, breathing, little piece of heaven.

Thank God she was okay, she wasn't supposed to be here yet just like with Izzy. I wonder if Ana realized that she has given birth to two babies in the same year.

After Izzy went through hell in her belly and then after he was born, this pregnancy was going to be different.

She was trying and I had failed her.

All I had to do was keep taking my pills like I had promised but my jealousy and entitlement got the best of me.

My brain just...did that thing it does when I feel threatened, it shut down on me, even more so, when I couldn't get her to do what I wanted.

It used to be so easy to convince her to follow along with what I said. Then Marco came back into her life and then Quinn became her damned bodyguard.

Then there were sisters that I hadn't really ever heard of.

Suddenly her mom cared, and her dad died, it was all a jumble.

I was so overwhelmed with everything in this past year and for so long, I tried to distract myself with other people...and when that didn't work, I hurt myself to remind my brain and body that I couldn't hurt other people.

Staying on those pain medications for longer than I should have is what was to blame for my outburst in October, that and her going down on Sugar Motta on Instagram.

Who does that?

Frankie calls it a clusterfuck and I agree.

Everything was fucked up but now I was committed to trying, no matter how long it takes.

There was no way I could allow myself to go to that place I had that put her in here, going through all that trauma.

Ana has always been insistent that she isn't a whore, that she just wants to be with one person and that person was me...always and ONLY me but her words haven't matched her actions.

Even now.

All day she'd given me hope, had me help her feed our daughter but now that I'm not in there, what's she doing?

Cuddling with Ari...kissing Ari...linking pinkies with Ari.

I can't be mad though, I deserve this.

And she deserves to be happy.

"Does she know that you're out here?" A deep voice asked.

I looked up into Marco's face and he had that amused look that he had when we fucked.

Like he knew something that I didn't, and it made me feel that flicker of anger.

It was always there, just simmering under the surface, but I was an adult and I couldn't be that way...but then this was Marco, he had always been angry.

"How'd you stop being so angry?"

He actually looked surprised...I missed that feeling, my old meds used to have random thoughts rolling off my lips and people always had this same expression. Now though, I didn't have anything but my anxiety medicine in my system.

Nothing too mind altering.

"Mind if I sit?" He asked.

"Go ahead."

He sat down next to me and then held out his hand, palm up. Was he trying to hold my hand?

"Just trust me in this moment, we are in a public place. Take my hand." He insisted and so I did.

His hand was warm and huge like my father's.

Something about it made me feel safe.

For someone so hard and brutal, he had such soft hands.

That didn't fit right.

"Why are we holding hands?" I asked.

He dropped his head in prayer.

And because Ari had been pushing me to go to church with her for weeks now, I knew that there was no convincing a praying Catholic to just not do that.

So, I dropped my head too.

I expected the murmurings that Ari did when we prayed together but instead, he talked to me.

"Do you remember what I said to you after we were intimate?"

"Which thing about how she needs to be controlled like a dog or how she is a pain slut?" I said, attempting to pull my hand away but he had it gripped tight.

"No...those things were wrong for me to say...even if that's how I molded her to be...she's so much more than those things. I have apologized and begun to make amends with her. I never apologized to you for taking her and ruining what could have been a beautiful year between you two. I'm sorry, Brittany."

"It doesn't matter, I was the one who ruined everything with my cheating and then physically hurting her. You didn't make me do those things; I did that on my own."

"Seeing me do it, gave you permission. It made you see her differently...you stopped looking at her as this precious thing. I own that, now though you promised me you'd look after my daughter."

"You keep calling her that and then want me to feel safe in you not taking her."

"Biology is biology, she is my daughter. I created her from my DNA, that means nothing in regard to being her parent. That's you and Anita. I want that kind of love for Daniela. I know you'll make her happy even when you're not...just like with Isaac. You'll be good for them and if you keep trying, you'll be good for her too."

"She has Ari now."

He chuckled.

"No, right now, my cousin is just a balm. A placeholder. They both have said it and trust me what it looks like from out here, compared to how it is in there...you can tell that it's not that kind of love. There was more love in you just holding her today, than there is when they are making out in front of me like preteens."

"How can Ari be okay with that?"

"She just is. I don't know if you know much about her...she's never given her love to anything but dancing...and with the way that cancer has been trying to kill her since she was 4 years old, just like it killed my mother, she is convinced that she doesn't have time to fall in love. Anita is her dream girl, but she knows that in this lifetime, she isn't Anita's...that you are. She is good with being able to just be there with Anita while she's feeling vulnerable, it's just for now but when you're ready, she told me that she won't stand in your way. I believe her."

"No way, she already sounds like a better person than me."

"She's a better person than most people, don't get hung up on that."

"You're right, no matter how much I want to. I can't seem to hate her. If she hadn't yanked me down at the diner, I'd probably be dead. So, while I'm annoyed she's in there with MY girl, kissing her and stuff, I can't even get angry, which is crazy because everything thing makes me angry. That's why I asked you how you got over it."

We still had our heads bowed and I could see why he wanted to talk like this, I watched people give us space and drop their convos to a whisper.

Prayer concealed eavesdroppers.

"Look, I'm still angry all the time. It's just a part of who I am but I'm channeling it inwards. I'm not expecting other people to bend to my standards and needs when I won't even do that for myself. So, I'm doing the work. I've gone to rehab twice, and I go to meetings daily, I'm also providing legal consulting services and I'm thinking very seriously about becoming a Priest. My anger comes from a lack of control in my own life and so I am choosing to control what I can and let everything else go. What about you?"

He dropped my hand as the room door swooshed open.

I heard the squeak of sneakers and looked up at Ari. She gave me a soft smile and a soft pat on my shoulder. "We are headed out, she wants to feed the baby again before they come take her, I was supposed to send a nurse in, should I tell her you're here instead?"

"No, um...I'll go in. Thanks." I said and then nodded to Marco as I stood.

"Have a good night, come on Moncho."

Marco patted my back and then saluted before throwing his arm across Ari's shoulders and leaving with her.

When I pushed the door open, Ana was staring at the little glass crib with want in her eyes.

"Hey." I said and she looked up at me with sparkling eyes, rimmed with tears.

"Hi." She whispered and then looked back at the baby who was whimpering.

"Do you have any milk left in you? I can change her and then bring her over if you want."

She nodded and reached out her hands.

"P-please."

Every single time that perfect voice stutters, I feel a pang in my chest. Every damned time.

"Okay. Did you want to watch?" I asked when I saw her still staring as I grabbed a diaper and wipes from under the crib.

She nodded like I had just offered to give her a mountain of candy, her eyes gleaming and her grin huge.

This was the second time that she wasn't able to freely pick up one of her babies after giving birth.

With Izzy, it was because I banned her from touching him. With Dani, it was because I broke her body, her mind, and her heart.

I would make up for that if it took me the rest of my life.

Dani looked up at me and began to cry even more once she realized someone was coming to her rescue.

Luckily, she just peed a whole lot, so cleaning her was much faster than with a poopy diaper.

I rolled the crib closer, so Ana could see better and then began to change the diaper, then I swaddled the baby, all while trying to sing to her but my voice was nothing in comparison to Ana's.

My emotions were all over the place but now was not the time.

Everything that I did needed to be for my kids and my wife...ex-wife.

Instead of climbing behind Ana this time, I put a pillow in her lap and then brought her arms up to sit on top before helping her hold the baby herself. I kept them both steady as the baby latched onto her nipple like it was a magnet for her mouth.

All day long, I wanted to watch Ana's face while she breastfed, but I couldn't sit in front of her like this when there were a million people in the room. Now though, it was just the three of us and if I sat in her lap practically, like now, there was no one to judge me or give me those condescending looks that they didn't think I saw.

But I saw.

"Thanks for t-today." She said and I lifted my eyes from the perfect little face that was making little grunting noises while she ate.

Dark eyes were staring back at me...the same eyes that I'd ignored when they were pleading with me to stop hurting her. I clenched my hands on her elbows and she looked down at them before looking back at me.

She wanted to talk but was having trouble, that much was completely clear each time that she looked at me.

"I just had the idea; Quinn was the one that made it happen." I said, shrugging, not feeling like I really deserved any praise from her. "You wanted to celebrate Izzy's first Christmas and I knew this was Dani's but she's only four days old. Next year will be better...when they're both one."

Her eyes went wide and then it hit her.

"S-same year." She said.

"Yeah."

"W-wow, I w-was busy." She said and then blushed. "Sorry."

"Don't be. Maybe you don't remember everything, but I do, and I pushed you to sleep with Marco. I pushed you to sleep with Ian too...it made me feel better about cheating on you with Frankie. I was dumb. You deserve better...like Ari."

I tried to look away from her, but those eyes wouldn't let me go.

"I am w-waiting f-for you." She said.

"Why?"

"Y-you n-need to h-heal your h-head and heart, j-just like me. It's ok n-not to be ok. I w-want to get b-better. M-maybe you c-can g-get y-your head r-right and w-when you're ready we c-can try to be s-something more."

Every word she stuttered her way through hurt me...that whole sentence practically had me sobbing but I had to hold her and the baby steady.

"I want to help you get out of here and be able to move around on your own. I put you here and I want to help you get out. I just need a favor." I admitted.

She raised an eyebrow. "What?" She asked, clearly, looking curious.

"Lift the restraining order so I'm not violating probation by coming here."

She nodded and then looked down at our baby girl. She slowly lifted her finger and traced it over the baby's cheek. Then I watched as she bopped the baby on the nose, smirking when the baby's face scrunched up more.

Watching her love the baby made me feel even more assured that I would kill for my family to keep being mine. Our eyes met again and this time, I was looking into the eyes of the woman I fell for. There was no sadness or fear, just her searching my face and then she nodded again.

Settled in her decision, whatever it might be.

"If I do t-that, y-you n-need to p-promise me you w-won't come near me or the k-kids when y-you're f-feeling off."

"Angry, you mean?"

"Yes."

"I swear to you...I won't ever do anything like that again."

The nurse came as I was burping the baby and asked if I was staying. I wanted to say yes, that this was my wife and daughter and I absolutely wanted to stay but I didn't have that right.

Ana had been looking down at her phone and I cleared my throat, knowing it drove her nuts. She looked up, surprised that I had done it, because I tried to never do it once I knew it made her skin crawl.

"Do you want me to stay tonight?"

She shook her head.

"It's s-still C-christmas, go be w-with Isaac." She said, "Q is c-coming t-tonight."

Part of me felt like it was a slap in the face that she would send me away for Quinn, but she was right. Izzy was at the house with my family on the night of his first Christmas and he should have one of his parents.

She crooked her finger to me, and I got closer, she pressed her lips to mine and fireworks exploded in my body.

Her sweet lady kisses had always done that for me, why now though?

"What was that for?"

"Isaac. G-give that to him." She grinned and then she kissed the baby's head, before sniffing her little neck. I stood up again and saw the nurse busying herself checking the machines.

"I'm not staying but someone is, she'll be here in a bit. This little lady is ready to head back to the nursery though."

The nurse smiled and then took my daughter, being extra careful with her as she settled her in the crib.

Before she left, she handed me a folder.

"This is the paperwork for her birth certificate, it needs to be filed as soon as possible, so if you could fill it out before you leave tonight and then leave it at the reception desk, they'll take care of it."

"Oh, right. Thank you!"

Ana looked at me excitedly and folded her hands in her lap.

Waiting.

I grabbed a pen and then sat back on her bed, opening up the folder.

The sheet was blank and fresh, she still had the option to not put me on it, but I could tell from the look in her eyes she wasn't going to go back on her word.

"Okay, parent 1 is Santana Gladys Lopez." I said to her and she nodded.

"Yep."

"And parent 2 is..." I looked at her and she nodded all silly like. "Me?" I asked.

"Duh." She responded.

"Okay, parent 2 is Brittany Susan Pierce. Next line is her full name."

Ana reached for the paper and very slowly began to write before handing the paper back to me.

"Daniela Amaris Susan Lopez." I read, feeling shocked that she would break up a beautiful name with my regular old middle name. "Are you sure?"

"S-she should h-have a piece of you."

"Amaris is beautiful by itself."

"W-was supposed to be my n-name. Pa had h-his w-way th-though. It is mi a-abuela's m-middle n-name."

Panic rushed me; it was a thing I had to keep to myself...something that she wasn't supposed to know yet.

How while she lay in a coma her Abuela took her last breath.

How it has made Gladys even more erratic and clingy to Ana.

And how I was one of the last people to speak to her, when she called me after I had put her granddaughter in a coma.

She made me pray for forgiveness right on that phone and I did. I promised her that I'd do right by Ana.

I promised to be better, that if I was the one that her granddaughter chose even if she didn't agree with it, that I needed to be worthy of Ana giving up her grandmother.

"It's perfect." I squeaked out, tears rushing down my cheeks and Ana rubbed my thigh, probably thinking I was honored by her using my name. It wasn't my place to drop the bomb on her, it was her mother's and I wouldn't take that from Gladys.

She'd lost enough too.

Once we finished the birth certificate and I had helped her to the bathroom, the two of us cuddled together in the bed until Quinn showed up.

There weren't any words or apologies, just me holding her and her humming to me.

She seemed to be in a good place, and I wanted so badly to be, but I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When Quinn finally showed up, her cheeks red and her eyes sparkling, I felt relieved.

"I'll see you after work, okay?" I whispered to Ana who was obviously fighting sleep.

"K." She whispered.

"I love you." I said to her, kissing her forehead before wrapping Quinn in a hug and twirling her once before patting her ass.

She glared at me and I winked.

Happy to get a rise out of her.

I had to put on a brave and happy face for Ana, even if I was dying to go curl up and cry somewhere.

They were immediately whispering and laughing as I left, not giving me a second glance.

Which is exactly what I wanted.

I wrapped myself up tight in my coat and scarf before walking out into the freshly falling snow.

Normally, I enjoyed snow and the way the cold numbed me and made my outsides match my insides.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I wanted to ignore it but I'm a parent, I'd promised Ana a long time ago that I'd never turn off my phone because I'm a mom. So, I stepped to the side, leaning against a building as I looked at my phone.

I still know you. Please go home and be with our son. If you're feeling sad, put on some Nat King Cole and dance with him. I love you too-Ana

Her sweetness had me winded and I was ready to be so grateful until I remembered the last time I'd gone to the house and Gladys had been there, threatening to call the cops, if Quinn hadn't shown up early from class, it would have been over for me.

I'm still not allowed at the house.-Britt

Already messaged Sal, he pulled the order. Merry Christmas-Ana

Really? That quick?-Britt

That quick. Now go deliver that kiss to my little Papa-Ana

You got it-Britt

When I got to the house, my sister was sitting in front of our fireplace with her head in a book, her glasses perched on her nose. How we were sisters, I never knew. Her dark hair and lack of rhythm has had me convinced since we were kids that one of us has to be adopted. At 11, she is way smarter than I ever was.

"Hey." I said to her and she looked up at me, her grin looking just like mine.

"Bout time! Izzy is refusing to go to bed without you."

"It's early for him. We usually let him get tired out until around 10...it's only 8."

"Oh...well go tell mom and dad that, they're up in the nursery doing a puppet show for him."

"He only likes one puppet."

"Then go save him and let me read." She said, waving me off while she went back to her book.

Again, how are we related?

When I got to the nursery, sure enough Isaac was sitting there in his full Santana Lopez scowl, arms crossed over his chest looking like he was ready to go all Lima Heights on someone.

"Psst." I said to him while my parents made Elmo's dance.

My son looked up at me and his eyes got bright as he pulled himself to his feet and reached for me.

"MAMA!" He screamed and I laughed.

"I'm here to save you!" I said, grabbing him and swinging him into the air. Mom panicked and Dad laughed, Izzy giggled as he fell back into my hands.

"You got him all worked up! Now we will never get him down."

"Actually, why don't you guys go out and enjoy the city that never goes to sleep. I think I'm going to spend some quality time with Izzy and Court."

"Are you sure?" Mom said.

"Of course, it's his first Christmas and Santana can't be here, so I have to make sure he has one of us. I'm just going to read him a book and dance around with him until he gets tired. Then I'll probably bug Court into watching a movie or something."

"Okay, well in that case, we will get out of your hair."

"Thanks!"

Even though my sister sucks at dancing, she still loves to dance with me. I put on some Christmas carols and the three of us danced around the living room. Izzy was clapping his hands as he stumbled around behind Court.

"Ti Ti Ti Ti." He kept calling after her until she picked him up and swung him around.

My phone buzzed around 10, I knew it was really a call for Izzy who should be getting ready for bed and not dancing around the living room with a giant candy cane.

Ana's face filled my phone screen. Her eyes were puffy, and her cheeks were a little wet as she tried to smile for me.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked and she nodded with her lip trapped in her mouth.

"E-emotional." She said. "I n-need him." She whispered.

Where was Quinn?

I walked over to Court who was bouncing Izzy in her arms.

"Hey buddy, look who it is!" I said to him and he snapped his head to me, then at my phone. His face lit up.

"Ma Ma!" He sang and clapped his hands. "Ki Ki!" He said and leaned towards me with his sticky hands.

"Hi Papa." She said, chuckling.

"Hi Ma!" He said back and it was his first full sentence and I was now a ball of excitement.

"Did you hear that, he said hi to you! He's never done that!" I said, turning the screen back to my face. Her eyes lit up, knowing she had gotten another first out of him.

"He's n-not in b-bed." She said back.

"It's Christmas, my parents and sister will be spending the whole day in West Chester with him tomorrow for your family Christmas party...I got here, and my parents were putting on an Elmo puppet show, and he was not amused. So, we are tiring him out."

She raised an eyebrow. "N-no more s-sugar." She scolded.

"Right, sorry, no more. We are having a dance party. I played the Nat King Cole song and we slow danced, but he was too hyper, so I had to put on the Chipmunks for him."

"Ob...viously." She pushed out.

"Where's Quinn?"

"B-bathroom on ph...one with Ceily."

"Britt stop hogging her, I can't hold him like this. He's squirming too much, let him have the phone!" Court yelled at me.

Ana grinned and waited to be returned to Izzy.

I took him from my sister and planted him in his highchair with my phone, hoping to God he didn't throw it.

But he was just talking to her, babbling and she was talking back to him, like she knew what he was saying.

They needed each other right now and I wouldn't take him from her again.

I'd spent the rest of the week, split three ways between work, the hospital, and my son.

Each day Ana hit a new milestone.

Her staples were gone, just the melting stitches.

Her voice therapy was helping.

She could finally lift the baby on her own to nurse her.

And finally, Gladys wasn't looking at me like I was ready to slaughter her family.

But through it all...one thing remained the same, my slide down into depression.

It happened five days after Christmas when I was watching my parents and sister, walk into the airport.

Then it continued when Ana got the sniffles and we were banned from her room for 24 hours.

And then the same cold took down Izzy.

So, I was worried about giving him breathing treatments and tip toeing around a heartbroken Quinn.

Who was storming around in full ice queen mode.

Never had I realized just how level, Ana keeps her family and friends. Her drama has always been bigger and more serious than theirs and with her just quietly recuperating in the hospital, with no worries other than healing everyone was left to face their own stuff.

Sandra was headed for divorce it seemed, but Johnny was fighting it.

Damariz was trying to start a family but was having struggles.

Brenda was M.I.A. not showing up to family functions or even calling.

And then Celia...she decided that rather than come out to her mom and face rejection, she'd just break up with Quinn and focus on her gallery.

Gladys though, took the cake. She started hovering around me, wanting to help me get my head straight and help me continue to become a Catholic.

I was tired of it all.

So, when the end of the week came and I was finally alone in my apartment after giving in and letting Quinn take over with Izzy for the day, I had two days to move out and I hadn't packed up anything.

Frankie and Siobhan were going to be here tonight to help me move, so we didn't try moving during all the New Years' Eve drama the next day.

I was just finished emptying my dresser when I got the call.

And my heart fell from my chest.

Court had gone into anaphylaxis on the plane.

The EpiPen she carried only helped for so long.

By the time they got to the ground it was too late.

She'd gone too long without oxygen.

And now I was an only child because my sister was gone...with no rhyme or reason.

Just gone.

I sat on my apartment floor, feeling boneless and hollow.

We'd just been together, dancing around my living room.

This year was just...God awful.

So much had gone wrong.

And all I wanted was Ana, but I was banned from her room.

I didn't want to bother her, but her ringtone kept sounding.

Someone had called her.

Unlike with her Abuela, they'd shared this loss.

And when I answered, her face looking back at me covered in tears...I knew that she knew.

"Come to me." She said, each word clear.

Screw the isolation, she wanted to fix me, but I couldn't lose her too.

What if I got her sick.

"No. I just...I can't get you any sicker. Okay, please?" I begged, feeling terrible for denying her.

"Then s-stay on the phone." She said through gritted teeth, I could tell she was trying to not stutter.

"Okay."

"F-Frankie is on her way to you, just st-stay on the ph-phone with me until then. Pr..omise me you d-didn't hurt yourself." She was worried.

"I promise."

She turned the phone screen down and there nursing was Dani, her face scrunched up again which means Ana had bopped her nose again. It made me smile and then more sadness, Court wouldn't get to see this baby grow up.

There'd be no chorus of Titi's called out to her.

More sobs.

The pain was so great.

I eyed the knives that I had just packed up but then felt the eyes looking at me.

Ana knew.

She always seemed to read me.

"Don't." She said and I bit my lip.

"I need to let this out...just a little." I said reaching for the knives.

"No. It w-won't b-bring C-court b-back."

Court.

What would she think of me going off another deep end, this time because of her?

She'd probably roll her eyes and tell me to stop being melodramatic.

I wept.

My hands buried in my hair as I cried against my knees. I'd propped up my phone while I sat there on the floor, thinking of my baby sister.

And when Frankie got there, I'd not harmed a single part of myself, thanks to Ana.

She promised Ana she'd take good care of me.

But what did it matter?

Life is so random and temporary, why did anything matter?

I was sinking and I didn't know how to stop my slide.

This time though, when I felt that anger coursing through me, I did what my every self preserving instinct warned against.

I'm too angry to be around Izzy or you or the baby. Is that okay?-Britt

Her response was immediate.

Yes. I'd rather this. You need time to be a ghost and work through your emotions. Go see your therapist. Talk it out with Frankie, and dance B. When you can't do anything else, just go dance. Okay? We will be here when you're ready.-Ana

I don't deserve you.-Britt

You do. I love you and I'm here to talk, whenever. I love you!-Ana

I love u 2-Britt

Just asked Q to leave Isaac with Sandra for a while. The family knows your grieving. They reached out to your parents to help. I know they can't afford this right now. So just know your family is taken care of. The kids are taken care of. I am -taken care of. Promise me that you will be taken care of, please?-Ana

I'm trying.-Britt

B, I need you to try as hard as you can. For Court, for the kids, and for me.-Ana

Ok-Britt

She called after that but I didn't answer.

I turned off my phone and buried my head in the pillows.

Right then, all the trying I could manage was just to keep breathing.

Since I'd have to do that for myself and my sister now.

All trying needs a little umph and right then, staying in a bed away from sharp objects was all the umph I had in me.

Sometimes you just have to work with what you've got.

And being still, for once was all that I could manage.