Chapter 27: A Moment (RILEY)

Santana's POV

"Are you ready?" Ari whispered from beside me. "The van is here."

I knelt at the altar and stared at the candles, tears in my eyes as I thought of the little kid that me and Britt would go watch play soccer, her hair was always a mess and her glasses were slipping off even with the band that was supposed to help.

Court would snuggle up with us and watch Disney movies and liked M&Ms in her popcorn just like me. She'd read the Harry Potter Books and then got me hooked on them. A Ravenclaw and a Slytherin who both had to put up with a Hufflepuff and all her silly fantasies.

I lit a candle and then we both made a sign of the cross.

And then there was the bomb that Mami had dropped on me when she came to see me when I came home from the hospital yesterday. I know it hadn't been her intention to tell me but when I told her we were going to take a van to Lima and I was hoping to see Abuela...she was forced to tell me that Abuela had died in November, before I woke up, that she'd died in her sleep of natural causes.

I thought of all the craziness that was Abuela and how she used to riff on me for my bullshitting my way through Spanish most of the time since I was too lazy to bother remembering my first language.

How she called me a garbage face when I would throw tantrums and have an ugly cry...how she tried to sell me because I threw myself on the floor of Kmart when she wouldn't give me the Uncle Jesse doll.

I thought of how she had been against me being gay and how she sided with Ian's mom and how even with that I had given my daughter her middle name. How much had I been imagining her smug smile when she would eventually get self-righteous about me still loving her enough to let her name continue.

But I wouldn't get that chance.

"I'll leave you with your thoughts a little longer, just let me know if you need help getting up." I nodded in response and then wiped at my eyes before lighting another candle for Abuela.

Last, there was Nico...my protector, my carpenter, and my savior...Marco and I hadn't had THE talk about why he did it and honestly, I didn't want to know. He was making amends and they didn't need to be to me...Carmen and her son were the ones he needed to answer to.

I craved the amazing waffles and coffee. I ached at the though of how Nico had cleaned fluids from my face and made me sleep off my highs.

He was fierce in his love for me and I loved him for it.

May God have mercy on his soul.

I lit the last candle and then sat back on my knees looking at the row of candles I had lit.

So much pain...so much ache but I had to push past all of it.

If I carried the weight of the sadness, I wouldn't be able to function.

It made me so damn tired.

The tap of my cane was so much lighter now that I wasn't putting all of my pregnant weight on it.

Ari leveraged me, looping her arm through mine as we walked down the aisle to the heavy oak doors of the sanctuary.

"Are you sure it's okay that I'm bumming a ride?"

"Y-yes. A th-third d-driver will be good." I whispered as we made our way out of the church.

A large passenger van sat down the street outside my house and I let out a breath.

It was time.

Britt was sitting on the bottom step with the baby asleep in her arms. She was whispering to her and smiling a little.

When I leaned over to check, I could see that the baby was looking at her with wide eyes as she sucked hard on her pacifier. I brushed my hand across Britt's cheek, and she looked up at me for a moment and I could see that she was trying hard to not cry but was failing.

"Let it be." I whispered.

"I know, I just want to be strong for you."

"D-don't be. Y-you d-don't need to be."

She stood up and leaned into me, kissing my cheek, and then pulling back and nodding to Ari who was standing by my side without a care in the world as she kept her hand pressed to my lower back, steadying me.

The door to the house opened and Quinn looked relieved as she carried my sleeping son.

"Ready?" She asked.

"Yes."

"Good, I got the souped-up van, it has a toilet and everything. Let's get a move on, between me, B and Ari taking three hours each, we can make it in one shot...you still okay to drive, Britt?" She asked and Britt nodded.

"It will help me keep my head together, is it okay if I go first?" No one argued and Britt perked up...she handed the baby to Ari and then put her arm around my waist. "I'll get you and the kids settled first and then we will get going."

"Thanks, B."

Q hadn't been kidding about the van, it had a little bed in the back and a small little kitchenette. It was more like an RV than a van. It was compact and perfect. Britt got us settled on the bed, a sleeping Isaac on my left and little Daniela latched to my boob. Ari climbed next to me and pulled out her Bible, because of course she did.

Britt kissed my face and then the kids before heading back to the front to join, Q.

Just as we were getting settled, there was a knock on the side door and Britt looked back, confused, Ari popped up and pulled the door open. Celia popped her head in and smiled at Quinn's look of bewilderment.

"Mind if I join?"

"Yes, we do. You're a millionaire, get on a plane." Quinn snapped.

Celia looked at me and I shrugged.

"Up to Q and B." I said and then looked back at my baby girl. "No d-drama." I muttered.

"I'll be on my best behavior, I swear." She said, sticking her head between the front seats.

Britt reached over and squeezed Quinn's hand.

"Life is too short to hold grudges, you love her and as long as she doesn't upset Ana or the kids, let it be." She said, giving Q my own advice.

"Fine, if you're staying, you are feeding us and fueling us." Q said, not wanting to cross Britt.

Celia grinned and then kissed Britt on the cheek followed by Q.

"You got it; my debit card is all yours!"

"F-famous last w-words." I said and Ari chuckled.

My sister had no idea just how vindictive Quinn could be, but she was about to find out.

Quick, fast, and in a hurry.

By the time we were nearly out of Pennsylvania, Celia had already filled the tank twice and had bought out an entire convenience store. Quinn was in full ice queen mode, demanding that Celia sit up front with her and feed her snacks while she drove.

Britt laid curled against my side; her arm thrown over my legs as she drooled on my leg. I rubbed her head while she snored, unbothered by drool at this point.

Ari was watching Elmo with Isaac and singing along...it was adorable.

The baby had been asleep for about two minutes and was probably down for a while, so I slid down next to B and pulled the blanket around us. I fell asleep next to Britt for the first time in an eternity and it felt like coming home.

My boobs ached and my body felt trapped, that's what woke me up a bit later, when I opened my eyes I was looking into pale blue ones. Britt looked at me and smirked. "I missed this." She whispered.

I noticed that the van was dark and the only thing going was the tv and the quiet murmurings from the front.

"M-me too."

And then I was aware of someone spooning my back, when I reached back the person groaned.

Quinn.

"What's the matter?" She mumbled.

"Get b-baby? B-boobs hurt."

Britt sat up and helped me sit too. She checked the bassinet and smiled. "She's just lying there, wide awake. The moving of the van must be keeping her calm."

"Give her h-here."

When I sat up, I could see that it was Ari that was driving with Celia up front with her. Isaac was asleep on the pull out couch, clutching his Elmo.

He looked lonely.

"Want me to bring him over?" Q asked, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"Please." I whispered as I began to slowly unbutton my top. Britt was hunched over the end of the bed on her knees, changing the baby's diaper in the bassinet and Q was practically crawling to pick up Isaac and I felt useless.

At least that was until the baby was curled up in my arms, latched on and staring at me with hazelest eyes I had ever seen. "Hi beba." I cooed as Quinn and Isaac curled up next to me, both asleep in seconds. Britt though had a hand around my back, rubbing her fingers softly over my hip, her chin on my shoulder.

"Thank you for making all of this happen, baby. I know we have a long way to go before we can even begin to be anything but the fact that you are doing everything you can to be with me through this, it means the world to me."

"I love Court and y-your f-family." Then I looked at her in the eyes, "And I love you."

She leaned forward, her face hovering for a second and then she kissed me.

I kissed back and then let out a moan that was much louder than it should have been.

Cue the throat clearing from Quinn. I pulled away from Britt and looked over at Q.

"Take it easy." She said to us and I rolled my eyes.

"I d-don't comment on y-you and Ceily." I scolded and she huffed, snuggling her face into Isaac's hair, and choosing to ignore us.

Britt though, must have agreed as she kissed my lips once more and then glanced at Q before meeting my eyes again.

"She's right. You can't make this too easy for me, okay. I need to work for it. Promise me."

"But B-"

"No, promise me you won't let me just come back to you. I nearly killed you and Daniela; I squeezed your neck until the very last second...even when you begged me to stop. You should hate me and if you don't, I need you to at least give me a consequence. I need to know that I could lose all of this...okay?"

"B-boundaries?" I asked.

"Yes. That's why I don't say anything about you and Ari sharing sweet lady kisses...that's a consequence...it's making me work harder. We do need to take it easy and let it be for a bit longer. Okay? Promise?"

"I promise." I sighed and then shifted the baby to my other boob and rested my head back on the wall.

"Good." Britt kissed the top of the baby's head and then scooped up Isaac and took him back to the other couch. I watched as B got comfortable with him and went back to sleep.

"She's right." Q said.

"N-no one asked you."

"Don't get crabby with me."

"I-I'll do what I w-want."

Annoyed, I passed Daniela off to Quinn and then rolled over and faced the wall as the tears came. Rejection washed over me and I just felt so overwhelmed, but I didn't want anyone coddling me in that moment. Sometimes, a girl just needs to silently cry.

Thankfully, they left me alone.

When we stopped for gas again, Celia took the wheel and Quinn headed up to keep her company.

Ari slid in behind me and kissed the top of my head, before wrapping her arm around me.

"We are about two hours away. Are you in pain?"

"N-not in that way."

"I'm here, okay?"

"Thanks."

She held me and whispered prayers of healing in my ear until I fell asleep.

It felt good to fall asleep like that, without anything but the promise of peace and her comfort.

My body and mind were exhausted, I fell asleep in Ari's arms and woke up in Britt's. She was carrying me close to her chest as we climbed stairs. It took me a second to realize that we weren't at Mami's house but my old apartment.

Did I still have that?

Seeing my confusion, B filled in the blanks.

"You bought the building and renovated our old place." Britt said to me as we got to the door. "Do you want to stand?"

"No." I mumbled.

"Q, open the door, the key is in my back pocket."

She kissed my forehead and then stepped back to allow Q to open the door. Then she carried me into the apartment, bridal style.

Had we done this before?

"C-couch." I said and she nodded before helping me to my couch.

Ari and Quinn each had a baby, my sister had the bags.

"We are going to crash here tonight, no point waking anybody." Britt mumbled.

Then she walked away into the apartment, I guess checking out the rooms.

"I call dibs on the couch." Celia said and then Quinn nodded.

"Great, I guess I'll bunk with B and Ari, you can stay with Santana."

"No." I said.

Ari just rolled with it. "I agree, Britt should be in the room with her to help with the kids."

"You're not a kicker are you?" Q asked and Ari shook her head.

"Nope...lead the way."

Once all the sleeping arrangements were figured out, everyone went to their corners and then it was just me and Britt, back in my old room with our kids.

It was surreal and it was almost like a perfect kind of reality until I remembered why we were here and all that had happened since February.

Daniela was not impressed with Lima, she kept me up most of the night and wouldn't even let Britt touch her. All she wanted was to be attached to my boob, so eventually, rather than keep up Britt and Isaac...I made my way out to the kitchen with the baby and my journal.

Everything was quiet as I alternated boobs and the baby seemed content again.

By the time the sun began to rise, I was feeling like deadweight as I fought like hell to stay awake and I managed it right up until Britt came out and pried the baby off me and demanded I go back to bed.

I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

My mind didn't go to the dark stillness of the lake, instead I was remembering the gaps in my memory.

And I was thinking of Sugar and tasting her until finally her voice was so loud and present that I forced myself awake.

Sure, enough there she was sitting in the bed next to me reading my journal out loud.

I groaned as I shifted on my side and she looked at me with the biggest grin.

"Remember me yet?"

"Y-yeah."

"Good. So, tell me the deal, are we okay to have another go?"

"Nah." I said.

"I had to try. Anyway, I came to bring by Carmen and little Nicky."

"Ca-Carmen's here?" I said trying to sit up but feeling the pain shoot through me.

Right, stitches.

Easy, Lopez.

"Yeah, we came expecting it to just be you but there's a bunch of people out there."

"I t-travel h-heavy."

"How much do you hate the stutter?" She asked as she got up and stretched, her shirt rising and exposing her abs. I bit my lip as the memory of all the ways she topped me resurfaced.

"So much." I said.

"Yeah, I see you looking. I know you miss being all up on this, but you missed your chance. Oh well. You getting up now or should I just come back? I mean, I'd rather do that...I need to go get my nails done."

"Go do that." I said.

"Say less." She said winking at me and then leaning forward and kissing my cheek. "Now get up...want me to bring you a latte from the Lima Bean?"

"No t-thanks...can't." I said even though I wanted coffee badly, but I wasn't allowed to have it until my stitches were healed and I had another EKG to check on my heart.

"I am SO not used to you telling me no. Let me leave before you shoot me down again." I watched Sugar strut out of the room, leaving the door open.

And she was right, there was a whole bunch of laughter and talking coming from the other room.

While it made me crazy happy to have so many people be here, hopefully filling Britt with some joy, I felt gross and needed to shower. I just hadn't done that completely alone yet and was feeling unsteady on my feet.

Gone was the version of me that was so willing to do shit on my own just because of my pride.

Are you here?-San

Yes. Need me?-Q

Please?-San

On my way!-Q

"Wanna tell me what that was about last night?" Q asked as she held tight to my elbow while I insisted on washing myself.

"No."

"San, she hurt you."

"Y-you don't think I k-know that?"

"Just be careful, okay? People do crazy things when they're grieving, and I don't want either of you to have regrets."

"She sh-shut it down."

"I know, she reminded me of that before she left but-" I cut her off.

"She left?"

"Yes, she and Ari left together. Something about church and then going to see their moms."

"Oh. Just them?"

"She took Izzy because I insisted, that way we can be assured that she'll stay level. Was that okay?"

"Yes."

"Oh good, I was worried that you'd be pissed."

"No. S-she needs space. I feel ok w-with her wa-wandering around Lima."

Q nodded and then began to wash my back.

"Good."

"Wh-what about you and my s-sister?"

"We had sex last night."

I nearly fell as I snapped my head to her, and she lost her hold on me. I grabbed onto the shower bar and her shoulder to keep myself from going down.

"Explain."

"Once at the gas station outside Columbus and then in Lima after you all went to sleep, we broke into one of your other apartments and fucked."

"Uh g-gross...are y-you tog-gether?"

"No. Yes. I don't know?"

"M-maybe you should t-take y-your own ad-vice."

"I know. I have no right to come down on you but I am. I'll worry until she gives me reason not to and I will protect you and those babies, with my life. I never want to see you near death again."

"Thanks, Q."

Seeing Carmen again, with only little splices of the time we spent reconnecting in my memory, was surreal.

Guilt surged through me, a combination of memories and what I've read in my journal had me just wanting to apologize but knowing Carmen the way that I did, she wouldn't want to hear that.

"Hi." I said, trying to keep my chin up and smile.

She stood up from the kitchen table as I leaned on my cane, seeing how stiff I had gotten, she came to me.

The moment that I was in her arms again, memories surged forward. I remembered the whole ordeal with running to Nico...him bleeding out...the cocaine...the way Marco had tried to set me up...how she fled New York when I wasn't around to stop her.

"Santi." She let out a sigh, "My love."

I hugged her tight and sobbed against her shoulder and she just kissed my forehead and rocked me.

She had the benefit of time to grieve Nico and everything she'd lost, for me it had JUST happened, and it hurt so much.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered finally as I let out a deep breath and tried to steady myself.

"Sit." She said, her voice clear. I did as she said, even though we were in MY place, I owed her this.

So, I sat and then she walked into the living room and came back a few moments later with a little bundle in her arms. When she stood in front of me again, she threw a blanket over my shoulder and then handed her baby to me.

"Meet Nikolai Santino Motta. Nico didn't blame you for this, neither do I. We agreed on his name as he was bleeding out. He didn't want vengeance...just for me to get our son far away from New York." She knelt in front of me, one hand on her son's head and the other on my cheek. She looked into my eyes with tears in hers, but her smile didn't falter. "Would you do us the honor of being his godmother?"

I looked down into a tan little face, the darkest eyes looking up at me, reminding me of Nico. The stare was serious but then he smiled, sweet boy.

"Yes." I said and then bopped the baby on the nose and unlike Daniela, who scrunched up little Nikolai smiled again and that's when I saw his Mama.

"Thank you." She stood back up and then reached for her son. I handed him over after dropping a kiss on the top of his head. I watched her head back to the living room and then there was murmuring. Sugar followed her back in the kitchen, carrying the car seat.

"Okay, sugar bear and Auntie, I'll see you later. Enjoy your time together...just not too much!" Before heading for the door, she yelled over her shoulder. "Smooches!"

"Auntie, s-sounds weird." I said and Carmen shrugged.

"Tell me about it, I'm only 25 and she's 18 but I did marry her uncle, so I'm her aunt."

"W-weird."

Quinn came out of the room carrying my own little bundle of joy with my sister following behind her with a screwed-up face.

"Wh-what's wrong?" I asked her.

"Quinn won't compromise." Celia grumbled.

I laughed then and then sang at her. "And she won't!"

Quinn snickered as she handed me my whining baby.

"She won't take the bottle of breast milk, care to give her the real thing?"

"Yup, you t-two f-figure it out b-before the d-drive home, please." I muttered as I gave my grunting baby my nipple.

Quinn and my sister went into the guest room and closed the door.

When I looked up, Carmen had a soft look on her face.

"Look at you! Wow...this is my favorite version of you, yet, Santi, my love."

"Me too."

"So, your sister caught me up on everything that happened...I wish I could have been there, at least when you were here with Sugar. I would have been able to talk her down and if not me, Nico. Then again, he would have put her down if she crossed that line while he was alive."

"Yeah."

"And now, she's got this great sorrow to deal with." Carmen bit her lip, I could tell she didn't want to say the wrong thing, so I held up my hand.

"Don't say it. C-court was like a l-little s-sister to me. Th-this is my loss too."

"Right, you're right. I swear to you, it's been harder and harder not to turn into this callous person. She hurt you and that hurts me. This is why Nico was pushing you two towards a divorce. He could see it in her eyes when she was off her meds...he told me it was like a mirror."

"M-mirror?"

"That deranged monster within, just festering beneath the surface. It's why he was a hit man...he got to satiate that part of him that needed to release the aggression. When I made him stop, he had to find other ways, usually that meant putting me over his knee. God do I miss that. Anyway, so yeah...he saw himself." She teared up and then huffed, like the tears were beneath her. I knew the feeling.

"L-like M-Marco too, guess I have a type."

"Yes. How is that pendejo?"

"Full of re-remorse."

"I bet. When Al went to the prison to beat some kind of confession out of him, he cracked. Pissed himself and cried like a little bitch about how sorry he was that Nico was his best friend, his brother and of course Al didn't like that. So now Marco is on thin ice with Al and the Motta's. If he steps out of line, he's done for."

A lightbulb went off.

The way he was kind.

How he had done my toes after my heart surgery so that I'd wake up with nice feet.

Him being kind to Brittany when he wanted to throttle her for endangering his child.

It all clicked.

Marco was being nice because he had no other choice. Even in death, Nico's protection was covering me.

I just hope it lasted.

After getting to see Carmen for an hour, I felt a little more whole. Sugar came prancing in, with a fresh manicure. She kissed my forehead, kissed the baby, and then rushed Carmen out the door. It made me smile to see Carmen just as content as when Nico was here...even if she did seem a little haunted. She promised to go to a meeting with me whenever I was ready and while in the moment, I felt okay...you just never know.

Life comes at you fast.

I finished feeding my little girl and Q still hadn't resurfaced so I banged on my guest room door. There was a moan in response and I just knew they were fucking. Great.

This was not what I came to Lima for.

I put the baby down in her crib and then went in search of my phone.

And sure enough, there were a bunch of messages from B.

Sorry I left-Britt

Needed to see Mom and Dad-Britt

Izzy is eating pancakes-Britt

My sister is really dead-Britt

Mom asked if you want her books.-Britt

Baby I need u!-Britt

Ana, please?-Britt

On my way!-Britt

That last message was fifteen minutes ago.

Britt?-Ana

Just parked. Come down to the van-Britt

Not sure I can make it down the stairs alone-Ana

Might get an elevator installed-Ana

Meet you at top of steps-Britt

I grabbed the baby monitor and left it outside the guest room door before heading outside in my slippers.

Britt looked flushed and out of breath as she came up the stairs, her face serious.

"What is g-going on?"

She dropped to her knees in front of me and took my hands in hers. My cane dropped to the ground beside me and I wobbled a bit.

"I have to be honest with you and I need you to not be mad." She saw the fear in my eyes and shook her head. "Izzy is fine, he's with my mom. I kept my promise, I felt off, so I left him with her and got far away."

"Wh-hat did you do?" I asked plainly.

"I went to see the mausoleum that she's going to be put in. You know Court, never felt okay about dirt. It's all so real and I wanted to be with her."

"B...what did you do?"

"I wanted it to be quick, so I went to the gorge, the view was so pretty. I was going to jump if you didn't respond...but then Mom called, Izzy was screaming for me. When I saw his face, I realized what it would do to him knowing two of his parents killed themselves...you know?"

I rested my hands on her face and pulled her head against my stomach, I couldn't look in her eyes right now as memories of Ian swam in my vision...mainly the call about what he had done.

Then I wondered if it was Ian that stopped her.

"You n-need help, baby." I responded, tears in my eyes, my throat feeling tight. "M-more than 72 h-hours. M-more than a we-week."

She buried her soaked face against my stomach and wrapped her arms around my waist, which definitely steadied me. I rubbed her head and she cried harder.

"I know. After the funeral, I'll get help. When we are home. I promise you."

"Y-you w-were right." I whispered into my phone as I sat in the locked bathroom. It felt reminiscent of my old deceptions in so many ways. Britt was just on the other side, asleep in bed after letting out every tear she had.

"About going to a meeting?" Carmen said, without hesitation.

"Yes."

"Do you need me to come get you?"

"Yes."

"Are you in danger?"

"Um...no."

"You're sure, my love?"

"Yeah. It's j-just a lot."

"Okay, just looked online, there's a meeting in thirty minutes down the street from you at Our Lady. I'll come over now and then we can head there together, I just need to get the baby down for a nap."

"Th-thanks."

The doorknob jiggled and I ended the call without saying goodbye because old habits.

"Ana? Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah." I said, pulling myself to my feet and then flushing the empty toilet before washing my hands.

"Mom is coming over with Breadstix, to talk things out since you offered to help with the arrangements. Is that okay?"

I pulled the door open and looked up into those stormy eyes. She looked into mine, just like she used to, searching for something that was long gone. I was craving again though, but I couldn't go there.

Daniela needed food, Isaac needed his Mami and I needed to heal.

My heart would probably explode if I so much as looked at coke.

"I uh...am going to a m-meeting soon w-with Carmen." I said to her. "C-can you w-watch the baby?"

"She's my daughter, you don't even need to ask." Then she caught what I said. "Carmen?"

"Y-yeah. S-she was here e-earlier."

"How is she? Does she want to kill me? Is she gonna like sick the Motta's on me? Are you?"

I wanted to shut her up, so I leaned in and kissed her hard. My body was humming as her hands came to my hips. I wanted her.

So bad but there was no way.

The last time I had gotten off was before the baby was born, before my heart surgery, and before I had decided to forgive B and let Ari go down on me.

B pulled me against her though and I kept kissing and nipping at her lips.

When her hands gripped my ass, squeezing it, making me feel like more than just a mom and invalid, I growled in my throat.

I'm not sure how we ended up on the bed, with her hovering over me, running her hand over my waist, just above the newest scar...the baby.

And then I turned my head towards the crib. Dark eyes looked back at me and I rolled my eyes.

"Hi baby girl." I said and Britt's creeping hand stopped moving.

"I guess we should stop?"

"Yes."

The door to the room swung open and my head snapped up, there stood Susan looking red faced as she looked at us in a compromising position.

Britt jumped up so quick, like she was caught red handed.

"It's not what it looks like!" She said, holding her hands up.

I cackled at how ridiculous it was that Britt was responding like a horny teenager instead of a woman making out with her ex-wife.

"San? You up?" I heard Q call from the hall.

"Oh great, more people." Britt said as Q came up behind Susan with a sleeping Isaac in her arms.

I pushed up from the bed and held my hand out to Britt, who was still standing like someone had a gun on her.

"B?" I called and she looked at me, finally dropping her hands, instead she reached out to me.

Once I was on my feet, I took slow steps towards Susan and opened my arms to her.

She wrapped me up tight, her head resting on top of my head, dwarfing me.

Is this what the hobbit felt like?

"Thank you for offering to cover everything."

"S-she was my s-sister too." I said and she hugged me tighter, her body shuddering.

"I brought your favorite from Breadstix." She said as she stepped back and wiped her eyes.

Then I heard murmuring from the kitchen.

Carmen.

"Do you m-mind w-waiting til I get b-back from my m-meeting?"

She hugged me again, kissing my face.

"Of course, I'm so proud that you're going, especially right now with everything. I'll hang out with the kids and when you get back, we can discuss what your budget is."

I moved to the dresser and dug out my credit card before heading back to her and handing it to her.

"S-sky's the limit. Get whatever y-you want. P-please." I said.

She held one end of the card but seemed hesitant to take it fully from my fingers.

"Are you sure? I don't think I can ever repay you."

"I w-would h-have paid for her c-college an-anyway. S-she w-was my s-sister and my fr-friend. Court d-deserved the w-world."

"Mom take the card, she'll get offended if you don't spend the money and find a way to pay for things behind your back." Britt said.

"B-Britt's right." I said and finally, Susan nodded and hugged me a third time and I let her.

The woman could hug me a million times and I would never turn her away.

Ever.

I sat with Carmen in the meeting and couldn't stop crying. Everything just hit me at once and I didn't care who saw me as I leaned into Carmen.

"God's time, not yours...let it out, my love." She had her arm around me as she whispered against my face. She pressed a kiss to my cheek and then we leaned our heads together as we both let our tears fall.

Then it was time to speak and despite this fucking stutter, I raised my hand.

"Hi. I'm Ana."

"Hi, Ana."

"I'm an a-addict. I've b-been sober for e-eight months. My little s-sister died a few days ago, I'm h-here from New Y-york to bury her. T-today as I h-held my n-new baby and then l-later my ex-wife, all I w-wanted was to be n-numb. I-I only know one w-way of d-doing th-that. I c-came here in-instead."

After I stopped talking, I got so much encouragement and love.

Then everyone prayed for me and my family.

I hated that I was feeling this way again, but I was so glad that God gave me what I needed to get through it.

Once the meeting was over, it coincided with evening mass and Carmen suggested that we stay.

And I'm glad that she did.

Being able to pray and follow along, gave me the moment alone with my thoughts and emotions that I needed.

I had to just let it be because as much as I wanted to there was no bringing Courtney back.

All that I could do was let go of my pride and take it day by day...right now I had to be whole for my kids because Britt would probably need to go into crisis. Who knows how long that would even take.

Once I was back in New York, I needed to be on about, my physical recovery and my sobriety.

So, what if I had to do it alone.

When you have money, are you every really alone?

And I had Q...my sisters...and my faith.

So many people had counted me out and were probably waiting for me to fall apart but as long as I kept giving myself moments to break down, so that I could properly heal.

Just like I learned in rehab...then I knew I'd be okay.

I couldn't keep things tight to my chest, all bottled up.

That was the secret to becoming the Santana that I had been before the world fell apart.

Letting go of my total control had been a mistake because I was doing so with someone who was so untethered.

The Bible says not to put your faith in mankind, and I got that now.

I had to rely on the things I knew were going to carry me through, my love for my kids, my faith in moving forward, and my God.

Carmen held my hand as I climbed into the car and then said something I hope to never forget.

"Don't chase what you need, work on yourself and attract what you need. The world only fucks you up when you start worrying about what other people will think of you, there are only three souls on this planet that you should stop your world for."

"Who?"

"Isaac. Daniela. Yourself."

"And Nikolai." I said.

She blushed and then hugged me again.

It was just what I needed.

And in that moment, I fully understood what Frankie had said about Britt needing her own network outside of family

Carmen was mine outside of my family and so was Ari...Britt was my home, Ari was my church, and well Carmen...shit my rehab?

That sounds right.

We held hands, before she drove, and she prayed for me.

Not a Catholic prayer.

Something more direct and specific.

"My love, I know that Santi still walks this Earth because you were taking care of her from the other side. Please continue to do so. Remind her of who she is and how loved she is, especially in the dark times and Father God, thank you for putting us in the right place, at the right time for once."

It was the for once, for me.

Carmen was my own private meeting, and she was perfect.

God didn't give her to me when I wanted him to, he gave her to me when I needed her.

Thank God for unanswered prayers and moments of stillness.

To grieve.

To cry.

To just be.