Chapter 28: What Is Love (V Bozeman)

Brittany's POV

There was once a time that the idea of Santana not coming home right away would make me crazy and I guess I had stopped thinking that way at some point once she was pregnant.

And then once she was just barely able to walk around on her own.

Now though, she was out in Lima two hours after her meeting ended, not responding to texts or phone calls from me or Quinn.

How sober was Carmen after Nico died?

Hadn't it been Carmen's drugs that Ana had sold to the Motta's?

Two hours of having to deal with Mom asking me what I thought Court would want was making me lose it.

Court was 11, she had absolutely no opinion on what color casket she'd need or if pink flowers were appropriate.

All of it felt wrong and I felt like I was the only one showing how upsetting it was.

I was left unchecked until I started yelling at the funeral director over the arrangements and Quinn finally had enough.

She snatched the phone out of my hand, mumbled an apology into it and then ended the call.

"You need to take a walk; you're upsetting your mom and Isaac. Take a look around." Quinn whispered harshly at me, in full HBIC mode. I had missed this side of her, the one that wasn't afraid to call me out instead of the recent one who had been on eggshells around me.

So, I looked.

My son was staring up at me from his highchair with tears in his eyes as he chewed on a bread stick and Mom was holding Dani with tears in her eyes too.

Had I been that bad?

But I just couldn't stop so I snapped back at Quinn.

"Where is she? The meeting is long over, Q."

"She trusts you to walk around Lima, why can't you give her that same trust?"

"Because, Q, she was feeling off when she left here. She said it herself, that's why she needed a meeting. What if...I don't know, she found coke or something?!"

Quinn looked past me, and I threw my hands up, waiting for her to pay attention.

"I didn't." Ana's voice was clear as it came from behind me.

I turned and she was standing there, looking exhausted and her eyes were bloodshot.

"Where were you?"

"I w-went to the me-me-meeting." She said sounding dazed.

Then the door opened and in stepped Ari, holding Ana's purse and a bag.

"I told you to wait for me, you shouldn't have tried the steps all alone." Ari said as she pressed her hand to Ana's back. It had taken an eternity but in this moment, it finally happened...I hated Ari.

"Was with Ari." She mumbled.

"I called you like ten times."

Ana looked at me with these sad eyes and I couldn't get myself to calm down.

She backed away and walked towards my mom.

"C-can I h-have her?"

Mom being the better person, glared at me and then insisted that Ana sit down first because she looked unsteady.

"Back down, Brittany, come talk to me instead." Ari said to me as she put Ana's cane within her reach.

"No, I don't want to talk to you! There's only so much perfect I can take!" I growled at her and then I was snapped out of it by Ana smacking her hand down on the table.

When our eyes met, she did something that threw me. She held up her hand, fingers wiggling, and I raised my eyebrow.

Then she put down two fingers.

"Calm d-down!" She growled at me.

But I didn't, I turned back to Ari who was closer now her eyes looked glassy and bloodshot too. That of course made no difference to the anger monster in me.

"Did she tell you that we made out today? That she let me feel her up?"

I looked from Ari to Ana who dropped another finger.

"She didn't but that's fine. I respect her needs at all times." Ari said.

I threw my hands up.

"Of COURSE, you do!"

"Mama no!" Izzy yelled throwing his bread stick to the ground.

It was all so fast as I approached him but then there was a vice grip on my arm as Mom yanked me back.

"I'm taking her home." She said to the room at large. "Santana, I wrote everything down and left your card with the list."

Ana had just one finger up and it her middle finger as she glared.

I don't think I had ever seen her flip me off.

That was new.

Did they think I was going to hurt Izzy?

I would never.

"No. With all due respect, Mrs. Pierce, she'll just go home with you and leave when you look away only to do something drastic. Ana not coming home was my fault and if Brittany wants to be mad about me being perfect or whatever, that doesn't really phase me. I've survived Cancer four times in 18 years. So please, stay here and spend time with your grandchildren. I think that me and Brittany are long overdue for a conversation."

I sighed because hadn't we been talking all these months?

Hadn't I been nicer since she pulled me down in the spray of bullets?

But I could see that this seemed to make Ana happy...so I forced my feet into my shoes and followed Ari out into the hallway.

"Where are we going?" I said as I followed her down the stairs to the parking lot.

"Just gonna have a friendly talk, you want answers about where she was. I have them. You want to yell and scream, that's cool too but I'm not going to let you terrorize your mother and Santana and your kids just because you're hurting. You're better than this. I SEE you Brittany...so just shut the fuck up, for once and come on."

Not once had she stopped moving as she spoke, she was on a full-on storm out and I could see it now, how she and Santana were two halves to a whole.

I hadn't expected her to open up the van and stand to the side. She waved me inside and I climbed in, confused.

Once we were both inside, she slammed the door closed.

We were alone now, and she pointed to the couch.

"Sit, please."

"What are we doing in here?"

"Talking. Sit down please, you're taller than me and I don't need you towering over me with your history."

"My history?"

"Standing over people and choking them."

Her directness stunned me, and I sat down but she didn't.

"So where was she?"

"In here, with me."

"What?"

"Carmen dropped her off after they went to mass following their meeting. I was waiting for her and told her that I needed to talk, so we came in here and we talked just like this."

"Why didn't she just say that?"

"Because she was trying to respect my wishes to not be the fucking center of attention. Your sister just died, and she is just finding out about her Abuela-"

I was floored. She hadn't told me that she knew.

"She knows? Since when?"

"Her mom told her just before we got on the road...that's why I took her to church before we headed out...so she could take a moment for herself."

"Oh. I didn't know that she knew."

"Well now you do. You're truly grieving together in this...so you need to back the fuck off. She has been through a lot because of you and she's trying so hard to support you, regardless of what she's feeling. She just had a baby and a heart attack two weeks ago; her body aches and she's just starting to scar from the heart surgery. Cocaine hasn't been high on her priority list...at least not until today when you broke down and told her you were suicidal."

"Oh."

"And then I...had to tell her something too...so she is feeling it from all sides. I know my role in her life, I'm supposed to be her peace, but I may not have that strength for much longer."

I could see it now...what I didn't want to see.

"Your Cancer is back?"

She nodded and then finally sat. "That's where I went after church this morning, to confirm what I've been suspicious of for weeks. I've been in remission for six years, Brittany and this couldn't come at a worse time. Ana needs me and really, so do you...with me there to give her love, she isn't becoming cold and shut off. I give her the love that you can't give her right now, but my diagnosis is aggressive. I'm at Stage 2, which is further than I was last time. I had already warned her that I suspected this, so I didn't think she'd be that upset but then she told me about your breakdown and how she was JUST coming from a meeting. I feel like crap about it. She didn't take it well...obviously."

"Obviously?"

"She sat here and cried, then she yelled at me for putting off going to the doctor. Then she was asking me if I needed a second opinion...and of course, she offered to throw money at it but that's not what I need. Then...well...she...we did other stuff."

I was on my feet, fire in my veins as I towered over her.

"You brought me to a place where you just fucked my wife?"

"Ex-wife and she fucked me." There was a coldness in Ari's eyes that reminded me of Marco, she had a look that was daring me to do something which freaked me out...were they all fucking crazy?

Were WE all crazy?

Ana had a type.

Angry...crazy...entitled.

But Ari was supposed to be different.

"Why tell me that?"

"Consequence. It's what you asked her for. This is your consequence. I could have taken you anywhere, but bringing you here and telling you that, needs to wake you up. It was the first time that she did something to me. Which means, she was reaching out for something more. So you need to understand that the more you push her away with your misplaced anger, the more she is going to reach for love elsewhere and if I'm no longer around it will just be Sugar or Carmen or someone else...maybe even Quinn."

I sat back down and buried my face in my hands.

"Fuck."

"I agree with your mom, maybe it would be better for you to go home and spend the rest of the time there."

I looked up at her, feeling like she was just trying to get me out of the way.

"Why, so you can stay in the bed with her and take care of MY kids?"

"No...so she can see that you're being serious about your anger. Didn't you promise her that you would keep yourself away from them when you were like this?"

"I did."

"So, get yourself together...I'll wait, and you should know, that her entire family is coming for the funeral...so whatever this anger explosion is...I'd reign it in before Gladys or Sandra sees it. The Lopez family is coming together to be there for you on the strength of Ana, do you want to go back to how it was when she was in the coma? Like really think about your next few moves, Brittany. I know you're hurting but is this how you want to honor Courtney?"

"Of course not."

"You have the rest of your life to freak out about this but right now, your mom and dad need you. Don't make them have to worry about you too."

Her words hit me like a mountain of trolls.

She was right.

Crap.

"You know her better than me."

"On a base level but that's because well, we are semi-soulmates. I get her and she gets me...so much can go unsaid."

"I know that, I don't like it but there's nothing I can do about it. Now that I have met you and you saved my life, I just have to put up with you being there but you're right, you being around has kept her from hating me. It's just not easy...being me."

"No one has it easy. We all have our baggage. What I don't get is why you don't channel your anger right."

"Channel?"

"Focus, like you dance, it's your job. Put the anger into dancing or running, something productive because if you keep going like this, she's going to take everything from you."

"Is that a threat? Did she say that?"

"No. I just know her. It will come down to protecting them and she will sacrifice her own happiness just to keep them safe. You know what it was like with her dad. She will do for her kids what her mother never did for her, she will shield them from you."

"I don't want that."

"I know you don't. So, do something about it."

"Okay, I'm ready to go up."

She looked in my eyes and then nodded, before pulling the door open.

We walked back up the steps and I could see her wince.

"I'm fine. Just let's go."

"What can I do?"

"Nothing."

I stopped short of going back inside, putting my hands-on Ari's shoulders.

"I'm serious. You saved my life, please tell me how I can help?"

She looked hesitant but then rolled her eyes.

"Ever thought of donating bone marrow?"

"Um...I haven't why, do you need some?"

"It could fix this if you're a match. It was Marco that saved my life when I was younger, we are a match but after all the drugs he did, I wouldn't want his blood in my body, you know?"

"Tell me what to do and I'll get tested. If I'm a match, you can have it."

"It's really painful, Britt."

"I survived a gunshot wound and still danced. I'll be fine."

"Thanks, Brittany."

"No, thank you. I needed a wakeup call that wasn't my mom crying and yelling at me."

"I thought so...come on, let's show her that you got over yourself."

"Easier said, than done." I muttered and then put a smile on my face before pushing back into the apartment.

You know that feeling where a whole room stops talking when you walk in and you just know that they were all talking about you?

When we pushed the door open, it was the opposite of that. Celia and Quinn were cuddled up on the couch watching television.

Isaac was sitting on the recliner with his Elmo staring at the television too.

None of them paid me any mind.

Ari sat on the floor in front of the recliner, joining right in on the chill time.

Which meant, she had done all she planned to do and everything else was up to me.

I walked into the kitchen and mom was talking Ana through washing the baby's hair in the sink.

And that's when I remembered that this was really Ana's first time dealing with a newborn.

Gladys hadn't really been there...even now...as much as she hovered during and just after the coma, lately she had been radio silent.

Mom glanced my way and then muttered something to Ana, but she just shook her head.

"S-she can wait." She said, loudly so that I knew she was NOT over this.

And I didn't blame her.

Instead of arguing or showing my anger, I checked the clock...it was nearing nine and Izzy was still in his clothes and looking sticky.

So, I went back to the living room and crouched down next to the recliner.

"Hey buddy." I said and he looked at me and crossed his arms over his chest. His mother's son, through and through. I made a sad face at him and then picked up his Elmo and made my voice super high. "HI THERE!" I squeaked at him in my best Elmo voice and his eyes got big. "LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, IZZY'S WORLD, LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, IZZY'S WORLD! IZZY LOVES HIS BATH TIME, HIS MAMAS TOO, THAT'S IZZY'S WORLD! HA HA HA!"

Izzy clapped his hands together and this time when I reached for him, he reached back for me. I could feel eyes on me, but I couldn't focus on anyone but my son. Maybe she wasn't going to let me prove to her that I was trying to be better, but I could show her.

This was my routine with our son, feed him, bathe him, give him a story and cuddle with him and Elmo until he knocked out. Once he was in my arms, I marched through the kitchen, past Mom and Ana, straight to the bathroom.

I sat my son on the floor with his Elmo, while I got the bathtub going. At nine months old, Izzy was already wobbling around but he was also lazy and preferred to be carried, so I knew he was going to just sit until I told him otherwise. Even still, as I tested the water, I kept a hand on his head...I had already learned my lesson about letting my eyes off him when he flew off that stage.

Losing my attention this time could have him drinking out of the toilet and that would not fix anything.

There was a soft knock on the door and then it cracked open, Quinn poked her head in.

"Hey, not intruding just thought you'd want the bath toys that San had in the guest room for him."

"Just toss them in thanks."

Quinn tossed in Elmo toys that must have been holdovers from when Ana had spent time here in September because I had never seen them before.

"It was good seeing you with him a while ago. Do you need anything else?"

I wanted to tell her to fuck off or to go away but I couldn't do that to her...she would tell Ana and then I'd be in even deeper trouble.

"Can you grab a towel for him and maybe put out a change of clothes and a diaper?"

"Sure."

"Thanks, Q."

"You're welcome, B." She said and then pulled the door closed behind her.

Izzy pulled away from my hand and tried to crawl away, but I caught him before he could go too far.

"I don't think so, buddy." I said and tickled him until he stilled.

Like Ana he HATED being tickled and made that mad face at me again but this time I put on a mad face too. "If you don't let me undress you, you won't get to play with your Elmo toys that are swimming in there."

He twisted his face and walked towards the tub and looked over the edge at the little Elmo's swimming in the bubbles. Then I called out to him in a little voice. "Izzy, hurry up! We are gonna take all the bubbles! Hurry Izzy! Hurry!"

Frantically he turned to me and lifted his hands for me to take off his shirt.

Once he had the concern that he was going to miss out, undressing him was a breeze.

I dunked him in the water and sat him against the kiddie bath barrier that Ana had installed at some point. I don't know why I let doubts get to me. She was a really good mom; she'd been here with him all alone and had made sure he was taken care of.

I owed her a big apology.

But I knew that my words meant nothing...it had to be all action.

Just like dancing.

I had to channel it all into my movements, then she'd see.

Everyone would see.

For the next few days, I didn't leave my mother's side unless it had to do with giving Ana a break with Izzy or Dani. There were no more stolen kisses between us, just me making sure that the kids were taken care of.

I left the caring of Ana to Quinn, Celia, and Ari.

At first, I felt like they were going to dump on me but when I packed up my bag after putting Izzy down that night and told Ana that I needed to be closer to my mom, not a single person argued.

When Friday came and it was time for the funeral, something Mom had insisted we do all in one shot because she couldn't not let her baby rest another minute, I went back to the apartment and got Izzy dressed in his pajamas and made sure that Dani had enough breastmilk for the day and possibly night.

Despite Ana feeling like she was terrible for doing this, she gave into Carmen saying she'd take the kids for the day.

While Ana fed the baby and then dressed her, I made sure my son was in his best mood because when he got in one of his bad moods, no one could cheer him but Ana.

Not even me at my most Elmo.

But he seemed to know that we needed a break today because he was just as cheerful as always.

When Carmen showed up and we saw each other eye to eye for the first time since the day of the shooting, the world seemed to slow, "I'm so sorry for your loss, Brittany. Let me know if you need me to keep them overnight or anything at all", she threw herself at me and hugged me tight.

"Thanks."

I wasn't expecting it and with Izzy in my arms, I couldn't fight her off, so I just rubbed her back.

"It ok. Ki Ki?" Izzy said. Carmen pulled back and looked at my son and kissed his face.

"Thanks, little man."

"Elcome!" He said and then clapped.

Sugar came in and clapped her hands together, Izzy's eyes were on her and he grinned. Then she put on a way better Elmo voice than I think Elmo even has. "Wanna come play with me today?" And surprisingly he reached for her.

I guess he remembered her.

The pang of jealousy I felt, needed to be pushed down.

Fast!

Ana came out of the room and kissed Carmen's cheek, then she handed the baby to me.

"C-carseat." She said to me and then she pulled Carmen into a hug.

Dani was asleep when I helped settle the kids in the car with Sugar still having a full-on conversation with Izzy in that Elmo voice.

I looked up at the apartment window and could see Ana standing there in her robe watching us.

Waiting.

I headed upstairs and Ana was waiting for me by the door, her eyes wet and her mouth pressed into a straight line.

"Did I forget something?"

"No."

"Can I help you get ready?"

"Are we ok?" She asked, sounding more hesitant than she should be.

"Who knows, right now...as shitty as it feels to say...all I know is that I need my wife. I know I don't deserve you in that way but today...I need it. Please?"

"S-say less." She said and then pressed her hands to my cheeks and kissed my lips softly.

She tasted like coffee and cinnamon bubble gum, which meant super tasty.

Having her lips against mine, so soft and inviting felt so much like a truce.

I was grateful that Q and Celia had left to pick up the family from the airport, giving us time to be together.

Not that we could do much...not in her condition but kissing was enough.

More than enough.

More than I deserved.

We pulled away after a bit and then I took her hand and led her to the room.

She was soft touches as we showered together for the first time in forever.

And I got to actually see her fully.

I could see the nervousness in her eyes as she stood there letting me touch her scars.

There was a pink one that went from her collarbone down to the top of where her abs used to be.

She hissed when I softly touched the skin around it.

"Does it hurt?" I asked and she shook her head.

"J-j-just your t-t-touch d-d-does things to me." She said and then rolled her eyes.

Her stutter became more pronounced and it was kind of cute to see her flustered.

Then I dropped down to the other pink scar that sat above a darker one.

Dani and Izzy.

Our angels.

I stood up again and looked in her eyes, they were searching mine as her fingers trailed across my lower stomach. I grabbed her wrist, firmly but not too tight.

"Not yet. I don't deserve that...just kiss me...that's more than enough." I said and she nodded.

She sighed, actually looking a little relieved before she leaned up and kissed me hard.

I held her against me, kissing her with everything I had until the water began to run cold.

"N-need b-better w-water heaters." She grimaced.

And I cackled.

"Have you been taking notes on how to improve the building this whole week?"

"Duh. It is an in-investment."

"So, tell me, you put the house in New York in Isaac's name...what about this complex?"

She dropped her head and then looked up at me with watery eyes.

"O-ours."

"Wait, I own this?"

"P-partly."

"Really?"

"Y-yeah."

"Oh then, I need to see everything, like to make sure we can rent it to other teen moms and stuff."

"Right?!"

"I love you. One day, maybe I can show you how much again...since you show me every single day...I know I can never compare but I will try."

"I love you too, B."

Not a stutter or a waver in her eyes, my eyes which had been dry for three days watered and I knew then, that there was no chance of make-up today.

And I'm sure, that's just how Court would have liked it.