Chapter 30: Starting Over (Chris Stapleton)
Brittany's POV
The drive back to New York had a completely different vibe to it because Gladys had invited herself for the ride at a time that nobody was supposed to know that we got remarried. Just like the first time, Ana stayed in bed with the kids but now, instead of having to deal with Ari in my way...I had to accept the fact that Gladys was trying to draw a line between us.
She was trying to keep me from overstepping and rather than correct her, Ana was just going along with it.
Celia had also flaked on us, choosing to fly to Texas to visit her mom instead of going back to New York with us. Whatever truce she had come to with Quinn had vanished, so it was just up to me and Q to drive the whole 9 hour trip home by ourselves.
"You should be sleeping." Q said to me as she stared out at the early morning road.
"I can't."
"Fine." She turned up the music in the back a bit so we didn't disturb the sleeping people with our talking. It was just after sunrise and we had been on the road since 4am, hoping to get home by dinner time but that meant stopping only for gas. "How long am I supposed to pretend that you two aren't sporting matching tattoos?"
I looked back and could see that Gladys was passed out with Isaac while Ana sat staring out at nothing while she fed the baby.
"We just...well you know how the family is."
"Yeah...I do. They can really suck the happiness out of you, can't they?" She muttered, her face determined as she picked up speed.
"Take it easy, Q." She nodded and slowed down a bit.
"Sorry, sorry. It's just been rough and I haven't had a break to relax. Not really. I start school tomorrow and my Monday schedule is screwed up. I have an 8 and a 9am class. It's just going be hard. Then Celia flying to fucking Texas out of the blue, without telling me? It's bullshit." Her voice was starting to rise and I really didn't want anyone else to wake up.
"I get it. We start auditions in three weeks and while Frankie agreed to help me, she's super pregnant and tired. I feel guilty going into treatment while she carries my responsibility."
"Then you'll just have to take therapy serious for once." Gladys' voice said from just behind me and I cringed.
"I will." I sighed without looking back at her. I tucked my hands in the pocket of my hoodie and closed my eyes. "You're right, Q...I should sleep. Wake me in an hour." I grumbled before slipping on my headphones and turning on the dance mix for the show. I would not listen to another word from Gladys.
Seriously, she could fuck off.
Lips pressed to mine and I startled awake.
Her dark eyes were staring into mine and she was grinning.
"Hey."
I sat up and looked around. The van was empty.
"Where is everyone?"
"P-potty and fuel break." She said.
I leaned up and kissed her again.
"Did I miss anything?"
"N-nothing im-important."
She was lying.
But she had a reason.
Her lies were never just cuz.
"Sit." I said to her, patting my lap.
She looked out the window of the van and then settled down onto my lap.
I wrapped my arms around her waist and leaned my head against her chest.
Her heart was beating strong and it made me feel calmer.
"I k-know you'll k-kick butt at th-therapy."
"Really? How do you know?"
"Y-you have re-reasons to fight. Tr-trust me. I k-know."
"Thanks, baby. As long as I have you, I know I'll be okay."
She stared out the window again and then kissed me hard before sliding back onto her feet.
"D-drive faster. I w-want to t-take you h-home and do n-naughty s-stuff to you." She whispered in my ear just as the door to the van was sliding open.
"Will do." I said before moving into the driver seat and buckling up.
I want to say I am not sure what I did to deserve Gladys' wrath but I know exactly what I did.
And she won't let me forget it.
She had been nice after Court died but now that she was in the ground, it seemed that the niceties were done.
Gladys sat in the passenger seat while I drove us through Pennsylvania, unwanted and annoyed.
There was nothing but snow and long roads with bare trees to stare at so I turned up the music and tried singing along. I longed for the city, the tall buildings and the noise.
I longed to be anywhere else and not have this perpetual silence.
On top of that, Gladys kept throwing verbal jabs until finally she landed one that winded me.
And I nearly cracked.
"Watch that pothole...you wouldn't want to kill us all, or would you?"
Like seriously...I was losing it.
It was like she wanted to remind me why I needed to be in crisis.
Which is why halfway through the state, I pulled over at a rest stop and stormed from the van without a word.
I could feel the tears coming and didn't want to show it.
Not to her.
So I walked as far as I could in one direction and then I paced back in the other.
I didn't care that it was freezing outside or that there were flurries beginning to fall.
All I knew was that if I was expected to drive another 200 miles, it couldn't be with her sitting next to me.
Finally calmed, I went to head back to the van but it started pulling off without me.
Seriously?
I didn't even run after it, I just went inside to buy something warm.
As I waited for my order, my phone went off and it was Quinn's ringer.
"Hey, sorry we left. Santana insisted."
"Where are you?"
"Amtrak station. Her and Gladys are screaming at each other on the platform and I'm in the van with the kids."
"You're kidding?"
"I'm not. Santana told her mom you two are married now and her mom lost her shit in front of the kids. Isaac bumped his head jumping from the bed to stop Gladys from yelling. It was a mess in here. Don't worry, he's got Elmo and an ice pack, he's sitting next to me up front like a big boy. He's fine."
"Thanks, Q. How far away are you?"
"Like ten minutes away. Just relax and we will be back to get you soon."
"Are you hungry?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, I'll get food for everyone."
"Oh awesome, thank God, a train is coming. Ana is standing with her mom now but they aren't yelling anymore. Her mom is crying."
"Hey Q?"
"Yeah?"
"What happened when I fell asleep?"
"Gladys went on a tirade of disrespect and said some things that don't need to be repeated. Don't worry about that stuff though, B. What matters is that your best friend and your wife...that's so weird to say again...are both in your corner. So get food, Gladys just got on the train so we will be back to you in like ten minutes."
"Okay."
Coming home today, still at work?-Britt
My phone rang immediately as I sat in the little dining area of the rest stop with our food.
"Hey, Britt, got a second?"
"Yeah."
"I'm going to put you on speaker. I have August and Tony here."
"Hi guys." I said, feeling exhausted.
"Hi Brittany, on behalf of me and Frank. I want you to know that you have our full support during this difficult time." August said, chipper as always.
"Yeah, B, the dances are done and the script is being completed this week. We uh...wanted to make sure you were getting treatment still." He said, being blunt just how I liked him.
"Yes. We are on our way back today. I'm somewhere outside of Harrisburg."
"Great, so before you go to treatment Frank has some concerns about the effect this is going to have on the show."
"Oh ok. Like what?"
"Well, the script is being ironed out but we do have our roles set and he wants to start auditions right away."
"How soon?"
"We already started." Frankie admitted and my heart dropped.
"Oh."
I took a deep shaky breath as the tears came. "Well, I guess that's okay. I've been nothing but trouble since you hired me. Is this like 'it' for me?" My voice came out in a squeak and I hated myself for it.
There was silence and then Frankie cleared her throat.
"No. We just wanted to see the dances in action, so I reasoned with Frank and August...we wanted to get the ball rolling with the ensemble at the very least...just the dancers who don't have any lines are trying out. We will wait for you to hire the leads and supporting cast."
"Yeah but for how long?"
"Frank is giving you three weeks, Brittany and I agree." August said.
"I...will see you tonight Frankie. I need to go." I said and then ended the call.
None of it felt fair but there was nothing that I could do.
This was a problem of my own creating.
I slammed my hand down on the table and felt the sting on my ring finger.
And I took a deep breath.
I couldn't default to anger, it got me into this mess and wouldn't get me out.
Quinn came inside looking like she belonged in a snow globe, her cheeks flushed and her hat covered in white.
"Hey, let's take this stuff to the car. It's getting bad outside and apparently this is just the beginning, the storm is moving East, so I'd like us to beat it."
"Okay." I croaked, grabbing the stuff and handing the hot drinks to Quinn. She hesitated as I stood up, looking in my eyes for a moment.
"You were crying...what is it?"
"Can we um...get going, I can talk in the van." I said and she shut right up.
When we climbed in the van, Ana was sitting on the bed glaring at her phone which was on speaker.
It sounded like her sisters were all on the line and were bickering about her putting Gladys on a train back to Ohio.
Here, I had thought we would just meet her in New York.
Ana was rolling her eyes until she saw my face and she ended the call, not giving a second thought to her sisters.
"Wh-what is it?" She asked as she patted the bed.
I was going to resist telling her but then I felt the van lurch, Quinn was getting on the road before I could take the wheel like I had planned.
"Talk, B."
Isaac was passed out next to Ana so he wouldn't be any help and the baby was sleeping too, so I was stuck talking.
"I'll talk if you eat. Don't think I haven't noticed how little you've eaten today." I said to Ana and she looked away from me towards the kids before looking back at me and shrugging.
"Fine."
While Quinn got us on the highway and full speed away from the blizzard behind us, I laid out food on the table and waited for Ana to start eating before I talked. She ate methodically, her moth working as she listened to my every word.
And the more I talked the more the anger seemed to disappear.
I kept waiting for her or Quinn to jump in but she just nodded along and listened to me until I was done.
"Do y-you w-want my op-pinion?" She asked once she put down the last bit of her sandwich. I could see her effort, the way she had taken off the crusts and then slowly ate the entire time and now with just a little left she sat back and seemed more alert.
"I do."
She smiled.
My wife was back and I hoped to God that I never took her for granted again.
She deserved all the good things.
Always.
"G-get it in wr-r-writing. M-make sure th-they aren't pu-pushing you out."
"Oh. I hadn't thought of that."
"Fr-Frankie isn't go-going to fu-fuck you over but sh-she's one per-person."
"If we get back early enough, I think I'm going to go today and do that."
"Good."
"I don't want to not work though, I found treatment programs that are outpatient. Like meetings, like for addicts."
"Is y-your anger an ad-diction?"
"Well no, it's just out of control."
"We ag-greed to inp-patient." She said, looking nervous and seeing her like that, worried about me backsliding after she just hitched herself to me again, reminded me of why we decided that.
I needed true evaluation and attention on the root of my issues. Anger could never be my default again, I had nearly killed her and I would never forgive myself.
"We did, you're right. Will you help me pick the right program?"
"Of c-course." She yawned and then got up and slowly made her way to her purse, pulling out her pills.
There was a shake in her hands and she stopped to rub her palms together before swallowing the pills down dry. She rubbed her palms again until she saw me looking and then ran them through her hair.
She had a shake to her, even as she kissed me.
The very sight of her like this made my blood run cold.
She was getting addicted.
I knew it.
And even though I hated to do it, I had to tell someone.
With Ana and the kids back in bed, I climbed into the driver seat and asked Quinn to stay with me, even though I knew she was tired.
She didn't put up much fuss, she just buckled in and curled up with a blanket and stared at me.
"What's up, B?"
"Thanks for doing most of the driving." I said as I made my way through the Poconos, we were a little over an hour from home which was about two hours later than we had wanted to be.
"You took care of her and gave yourself a breather, that's always welcome. So tell me why you want me up here and not in that warm bed."
"Yeah, it's super important."
"Okay...what?"
"I need you to be HBIC again."
"What? Why?"
"She's got tremors again and she's rubbing her palms together."
Quinn sat up straight and looked back at my sleeping wife.
"Is it the pain medicine? Shit...I've been there, after my leg...did you talk to her about it?"
"I did and she is insisting she's not addicted and maybe she isn't yet but we have to do something, Q. I am not going to be around for a little while and I don't want to come back to her in worse condition."
"Say less, B. I have mastered being a pain in her ass. I won't let her slip. Thanks for calling it to my attention."
"Thanks for being so willing to be a bitch to her when she needs it."
"No thanks needed, it's my hobby."
She yawned and I knew I didn't have much more of her being awake.
"Go sleep...I can take it from here."
"You sure?" She yawned again. "Because I can-" Another yawn.
"Say less, Quinnie."
And she did.
I drove us straight to the theater and left my sleeping family in the van while I headed inside.
There was an audition in progress and there sat Frankie with Tony, Frank, & August at the main table. I sat in the first seat in the front row so that they were at my back as the audition continued.
B?-Ana
Stay in the van, I'll be out in a bit.-Britt
You sure?-Ana
I need to do this alone. Please?-Britt
Okay.-Ana
Good Luck!-Ana
I put my phone down and continued to watch the group dancing. Some of them were killing it but a lot of them were bombing hard and what I noticed is that it was the women who were doing poorly.
Then I heard the squeak of sneakers coming down the aisle and then a tap on my shoulder.
It was Tony.
"So I might have tried to show them your moves and failed...if you are down...wanna show them? We have hired way too many dudes and only one girl."
"I'll go change, give them a stretch break. Be back in five."
This felt like a test, a challenge to see if I was still worth it and I was game.
I looked back at the table and gave them a double thumbs up before running up the side aisle to the door.
The van was parked right where I left it and when I knocked on the door, I saw Q's head pop up looking disheveled.
"You're not in here doing it with my wife are you?" I asked and she pretended to gag.
"God, no especially not in front of the kids." She teased and Ana let out a cackle.
"Wh-what's up?" Ana asked as she changed Dani's diaper.
I started to strip out of my jeans and slides.
"I'm gonna dance, to show the girls auditioning the right steps."
"C-Can I go?" Ana said looking between me and Q.
"Go, me and Izzy are going to eat the rest of this food and watch Elmo anyway." Q waved us off.
I'd have my lucky charm with me, there was no way I'd fail now.
Ana sat in the very back, not wanting to distract anyone more than I already had.
I headed straight up to the stage and took one look of the jumble of dancers.
Their energy was low which would not do for me.
Everything I did in dance required high energy or someone was going to get hurt.
So I decided to wake them up a bit.
"First position!" I called out and tapped my foot, impatiently.
They all scrambled up and got into first position.
"Second position!" I called.
They followed suit.
"Third position, just the girls! Guys back to first."
I watched as they got in position.
"Great, now guys stand behind the person next to you, I don't care if it's a guy or girl."
Some of them looked uncomfortably but I needed them to be able to go with the flow.
"Now follow us." I turned towards the table and summoned Tony.
He had a smirk on his face.
This was the first thing we did together, a play on a human barre.
Tony stood with his arms stretched out from his sides and I grabbed his arm and began to stretch as if he was a barre.
I kept an eye on the dancers as I went.
A few seemed confused and others were killing it.
Then just when I finished the routine, I began running in circles around the stage and could feel the slip of steps behind me.
Tony was throwing his hands up and the guys followed suit.
It probably looked crazy but this for sure would get them to get all the yips out.
Thankfully Frank and August were sitting with the person who taught me this exercise because I was certain they would have stopped us by now.
After finishing the exercise, I hit the music and we ran it through.
Dance after dance until we had run through the first act.
The lights came up which meant August and Frank were coming on stage.
"Begin again." Frank called, so we restarted the music.
"If we tap your shoulder, grab your stuff and go." August said as he followed Frank.
I glanced to the table and there sat Frankie with a mic in her hand.
"All set guys?"
The music started and then we ran through the dance again.
Even as I watched people scuffle off the stage, I continued to dance, a part of me waiting for the tap on my shoulder.
I would have earned it, honestly.
But coming here was a good move.
I had probably just saved my job.
The music cut with Tony tossing me straight into the air and not catching me until my face was inches from the ground.
Frankie's eyes got big and then there was a bunch of applause.
It was a move for our female lead and it was our first time showing it.
"Do that again." Frank said and I nodded.
"The whole move or just that end part?" I asked.
"There's more?" August asked.
"Well yeah, it's just very technical, we'll need the perfect lead for it."
"Okay, show us what you've got Brittany."
It felt like an audition and I would treat it as so.
"Clear the stage!" Frank said and everyone backed up.
Suddenly it was just me and Tony, center stage.
I did a three count and ran at him, he went to reach and I went sliding between his legs and crawled back towards him, on beat and then he bent back and lifted me. It's a joint effort as I swing around his body and then he twirls with me and I'm thrown clear up in the air and I knew Ana would recognize this move because it was partially her specialty when she was a flyer and I remember her showing Court how to do it for her own audition to be a flyer.
Tears pricked but I kept focused as I thought of my sister and my wife.
I'd come way too far to lose everything I'd worked for.
A double twist but I had inverted it and sent my face towards the ground and Tony caught me.
There was more clapping.
"That was spectacular, take your three weeks but be right back here at the start of auditions, Brittany Pierce. I doubted you and you showed me, huh?" Frank said and I grinned.
"Can I have that in writing?" I asked and they all began to chuckle.
But August nodded.
"Yes."
The secret of our marriage had lasted 26 hours but now everyone knew.
So when Ana put me back on her insurance, there was no fight anyone could give.
I'd need it, inpatient was expensive without insurance.
And my wife was going to make sure I didn't go bankrupt.
Thank God.
We had spent three days together in bliss but then it was all over.
She was kissing my face over and over as we stood outside of patient intake.
Two and a half weeks of therapy was going to suck.
I wouldn't be able to see her or the kids.
But they had a dance studio and I would be able to include that in therapy, so I was sold.
There was someone clearing their throat and Ana rolled her eyes.
"Fuck off." She growled and then she kissed me hard, her hand gripping my hair.
"I love you."
"I love you, B."
This felt good.
Starting over.
With her.
I'd do anything to keep feeling this good.
Always and only for her.