Chapter 31: Nightmare (Halsey)

Santana's POV

Week One

"Wh-what are you doing here?" I stood at the front door after Quinn left me alone for a few hours so she could go to class. It was my first day alone with my kids now that I was only using my cane occasionally.

"I came to see you. Can I come in?"

"Uh...w-why?"

"Please, Anita?" Marco said, holding his hands up like he was ready for me to pat him down.

So I did.

I reached forward and felt his pockets then his waist, then his arms, and thighs.

He'd been working out, that was obvious. If he had been this buff when he was kicking my ass, there's no way I would have lived.

Shit.

"L-lift your p-pant l-legs." I said and he did as I asked.

"MAMA! E-mo!" I groaned, I was trying to get him to watch something else and had just put on a cartoon but now he was screaming at me.

I pressed my finger to Marco's chest and he lazily shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Th-this cane is a we-weapon. G-got it?"

"Got it."

I had learned a long time ago not to turn my back on my ex-husband. I pulled the door open further and waited for him to come in before closing it behind him, not once taking my eyes off of him.

He stepped out of the foyer and I followed him into the living room where Isaac was staring, watery eyed at the tv.

Right that freaking red monstrosity.

I turned Elmo on and watched his face transform to one of delight as he clapped his hands together from his kid jail.

The baby was in her swing staring up at the lightshow that it was giving and I stood there watching Marco take it in.

He turned back to me.

"You're alone...already?"

"So?"

"I'm just surprised. I'm not doubting your skills you were always great at multitasking." He had a twinkle in his eye that grossed me out but I gripped the head of my cane and gestured for him to sit down.

And he did, without another word.

"You w-want to hold her?"

"Yes, I'd love that."

"G-go for it."

I watched him reach over and unstrap the baby before picking her up. His face twisted.

"She needs a change." He said holding her out for me.

"I b-birthed her. You ch-change her."

I nodded towards the diaper caddy next to him and he sighed.

And I watched him like a hawk.

He looked like a fucking pro changing the diaper in half the time that it would have taken me.

Show off.

I had just pumped a bottle before Marco had arrived and was on the way to put it in the fridge when he had knocked so after he was finished with the diaper, I handed him the bottle.

Seeing him like this, softer and sweeter made me long for a do over on my teen years when he tortured me at every free moment.

The front door swung open and then the foyer door a moment later. I glanced at the clock and then at Quinn, who was looking at me weird.

"Why are you standing in that spot and what is he doing here alone with you?" She said.

"Th-this spot?" I moved away from the wall and touched it and then it hit me, this was where Britt had choked me out. Right. "I f-forgot and he sh-showed up. I put him to w-work."

"I see."

"Why are you h-here?"

She shook her phone at me.

"There were reports of a shooter on campus, they locked down campus before I got there. Couldn't get on, so I came home."

"J-just Columbia?"

"NYU too."

"DAMA!" Isaac screamed and held his hands out to Q.

"Did he just give me a name?" She said in shock. "What did you say Izzy?"

"DAMA!"

Quinn grinned and then lifted him from his kid jail and spun him around.

Marco chuckled.

"You know what that means in Spanish, Quinn?" Marco said and she shook her head. "Lady."

"Well I will take it, makes me feel regal."

"You w-would." I said before shutting off the tv and making my way to the guest room. I'd needed to pee for like fifteen minutes but was too afraid to leave Marco in the room with my kids. I had this fear that I'd come back out and they'd be gone.

I couldn't risk it, so now with Q around, I felt safe to at least pee.

As I sat in the bathroom, just taking in the silence, my phone went off.

It was Ari and I froze.

We hadn't spoken since she left me in Lima the night before the funeral.

I accepted the video chat and was stunned into silence at the sight of her.

She was in her tights, blood on her face and in her hair.

"Wh-what is going on?" I whispered.

"Shooter...the police just got him but he was able to get some shots off in my class."

"Oh G-God."

"I was told to stay put while they clear the building and you are the only one I wanted to see. I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that my parents disowned me that night when I went to tell them about being gay...I never even told them about the cancer being back. They just...you're all I have. You and Moncho and the kids. Forgive me, okay?"

"It's for-forgotten." I said and then just watched her tears track through the dried blood on her face.

"Only three of us are alive...that's what it looks like. He was aiming for a girl in my class. They dated and now she's dead...it's like the diner but worse. Can I come there after they clear the building?"

"Yes, please."

There was muffled talking and then she was shuffling to her feet.

"I'm being cleared to go. I'm going to catch a cab and come there now."

"Okay."

"I love you, Anita. I love you so fucking much."

"I love you too!"

My hands were shaking and my nerves were frayed as I slipped that night's pain pill into my hand. I had gotten myself down to one a day, trying my best to stop taking them but right then when I needed to be calm that was my first reach.

I filled up a glass of water and then put the pill in my mouth. I looked up in the mirror as I brought the glass to my lips and my eyes met Quinn's. I swallowed down the pill and then closed my pill sorter.

"What?" I asked, my palms itching and my lips dry. I filled the glass again and drank down the water slower this time.

"I thought you took those before bed so you could be alert with the kids during the day."

"S-stop." I said and turned from her, slipping the sorter back into the medicine cabinet before washing my hands and rinsing my face.

When I stood back up, she was gone but the look of concern in her eyes lingered in my mind.

I stood there leaning on the sink, waiting for the pill to kick in.

"Hey." Came a voice way too soft for who it was coming from.

I looked up into the mirror and there she stood, her face still smudged with blood.

Her eyes were wide and pleading.

She needed comfort and a memory came to me then.

I turned away and turned the shower on before stripping off my clothes.

"C-come on." I said holding my hands out to her.

She came in and shut the door, hitting the lock behind her.

In this moment, I regretted that Quinn knew about me and Britt getting married because she was not going to let this go.

But right then, Ari needed me.

I undid her jacket and saw that her pink leotard was stained with blood. I tossed the jacket to the floor and then I peeled the leotard from her body. She was getting skinnier. It'd been over a week since we'd seen each other and she already looked sicker.

"I started chemo a few days ago. I'm supposed to be in the hospital but I just wanted to be normal a little longer. That's why I was late to the class and in the dressing room changing when it...happened. I came out and there were bodies everywhere." Her voice was haunted as I helped her out of her torn and stained pantyhose. She had already taken off her shoes before coming into the bathroom thankfully.

There was a knock at the door but I ignored it. I pulled Ari into the shower with me and began to wash her from head to toe while she continued to talk but then I paused when she put her hand on mine.

"What is this?" She asked her thumb tracing my new tattoo.

I looked up at her and watched the tears come.

"W-we-" I started but she pressed her lips to mine, cutting me off but I pushed her back. "Eloped." I finished and watched her face drop.

"When?"

"In Ch-Chicago."

"The day after we broke up?"

"We were n-never o-fficial."

"Wow. I hope you never feel as disposable as I do right now, Santana." She said, full name and glaring eyes but that had no effect. She was naked in my shower, in my house, and we had a deal.

"N-not fair." I said.

"Nothing is fair!" She snapped and then nearly bust her ass climbing out of the shower. "I'm going to get dressed in your room and then I'm going to find somewhere else to go. I can't go on campus but I can go somewhere that doesn't involve helping you commit adultery."

It was like I was gut punched.

Would Britt see this that way?

Was that my intention?

Not this time.

She really fucking left.

I thought that maybe she'd be stopped by Marco or Quinn, they'd want to know she was okay, right?

But no, I got dressed and popped another pill before heading out to the dining room and it was just Quinn, sitting at the table feeding Isaac.

The baby was in her swing asleep again.

I was beginning to think she slept too much but this was my first time dealing with a baby this small. I had no clue if I was doing any of this right. I just fed her when she cried and changed her diaper.

And I sang to her when it was just the two of us and she was too new to this life to know my singing voice was broken.

"Come sit down." Q said to me, her voice stern.

"No." I said back and walked away from the table, instead I headed for the stairs.

It'd been an eternity since I'd been in my own bed in my own room...but today that was all I wanted.

Memories were coming back to me now and I knew that upstairs was probably the best place to let these pills kick in. There was less of a chance that people would randomly bother me.

"Santana Lopez, if you don't sit your skinny ass down at this table, I will call your annoying ass family about this new dependency you're developing and you know I am not in the mood for that shit."

I whipped around and stormed back to her then her eyebrow raised as she looked at my legs.

And I looked down and realized that I was walking without my cane.

Storming around without it in fact.

Which meant I was not feeling a stitch of pain.

"You wouldn't dare." I said, without a single bit of stutter and she let out a sigh.

"How many pills did you take today?"

"Why?"

"Just answer the fucking question. I need to know because those are strong pills and I can't in good conscious leave you here with these kids alone. Please, just tell me?"

"Three."

"Which means you're done for the next day or so. I've got enough milk for the baby and I have Isaac. You should go lay down."

I still stood in the center of the room, glaring at her. Who did she think she was to talk to me like that?

"Who do y-you think-" I began but she held up her hand and shut me down.

"I don't want to see you go down this road again. Pills are hard to kick and unless you want to go back to rehab, this stops now. Britt asked me to keep you sober while she was away. She saw this coming and I brushed it off a little. Now though, the gloves are off. I will bring the full force of your doctors and the Lopez family down on your head if you keep this shit up. Got it?"

My facade crumbled.

Britt knew.

I nodded as I slid into the chair across from her and looked at my son.

He was shaking and looking terrified.

"Don't ever c-curse in front of him a-again." I growled and she didn't put up a fight.

"No, of course not. I'm sorry."

We sat in silence after that, while I took over feeding my son.

"I d-don't want to be hooked." I said to her after Isaac began to look calmer.

"I know you don't. By the way, Ari is in my room resting. NYU is shut down so I insisted that she stay here."

"Th-thank you."

"Say less."

She was angry and trying not to blow up at me, that much was clear and I deserved every bit of her wrath.

Taking the third pill was a mistake and I paid gravely for it.

My body was still healing and the anti-seizure medications were precise.

It only took about 45 minutes for me to realize why Quinn had wanted me in her sight.

She made me follow her as she put Isaac in his crib and then as she cleaned up his lunch.

I was making my way to the kitchen behind her and I dropped like a stone.

First I was heaving.

Then I was choking.

My lungs seized up and then my heart threatened to burst from my chest as fire lit my veins on fire.

Quinn laid me down and turned me to my side before shoving one of Isaac's fuzzy keys in my mouth.

My head ached as my brain rattled around and then finally I stilled.

I shakily pulled the keys from my mouth, grateful that she had thought fast enough to keep me from biting my tongue.

Pounding came down the stairs and then I was rolling on my back and staring into Ari's beautiful eyes.

She and Quinn were having a murmured conversation or maybe that was just how it sounded from the floor as they stood over me.

I closed my eyes and prayed for the darkness but it wouldn't come.

And I was sobbing now.

My cries harsh and loud to my own ears.

I wanted Britt.

And to be in bed.

To go back to the beginning.

Before it all.

My body was at war with me.

I had played with fire and I lost.

And I just knew that this meant a hospital visit.

But there had been a shooting and Quinn was nervous about what it meant for the hospitals.

So she made a call.

One she had threatened to make...but would now have to follow through on.

I was fucked.

My sister had quietly moved to New York while I was still in a coma and had visited me when my heart threatened to give out but other than that, she had only peaked in when she could.

But now, Quinn was calling her.

And Ari was calling Marco to come back.

My body was in shock and I couldn't move from where I had fallen.

Quinn was terrified to move me and Ari didn't have the strength.

So I laid there waiting to see who would come help me up.

Marco won the race.

He came in, took off his shoes and then swept me into his arms like the prince charming that he had always thought he was.

"I leave for two hours and you fall out?" He said and I just closed my eyes. Not having the energy to play with him.

"Put her on the couch thanks." Mari's voice was soft but commanding.

I opened my eyes again as my body hit the couch.

My sister hovered over me now and brushed stray hairs from my face.

"You got lucky. A lot of times when drugs react to each other, the person dies...what hurts?" I went to form words but they came out slurred. "Ay, sis." She sighed. Then she took my hands in hers. "Squeeze."

And I did but her face didn't look satisfied.

She looked up and then Saul was in my vision, "Hi, Anita. It looks like we are going to have to get you to the hospital." I shook my head, no. He looked at my sister. "She seems coherent, it's just the speech. This could be something a stroke mimic. Either way getting her to the hospital is best she needs scans."

Mari looked like she didn't agree but was going along with it anyway.

The wait for an ambulance was going to take extra long since I lived a few miles from the scene of a tragedy, so Saul carried me to my back seat and Mari drove us to her hospital.

Which was in Harlem, saying there'd be less chance that there'd be a wait.

I had fallen asleep in the car and when I woke up again, I was in a hospital room with that fucking beeping.

This was my fault.

Had I just kept to one pill a day until I ran out like my drug counselor had suggested, I would be home with my kids and not in this fucking bed.

"Hey." My sister said, looking exhausted as she sat on the side of my bed. "You are so lucky...no blessed. I don't know if it's a guardian angel or what but what I thought was a stroke was definitely just a seizure and a concussion from banging your head on the floor."

"Oh." I said and she smiled.

"Can you give me more than that sound?"

"What do y-you want me to say?"

"Only one stutter, good to hear you didn't get set back."

"Sorry."

"You don't need to apologize to me. Did this scare you straight or do you need to go to rehab?"

"You're giving me a ch-choice?"

"Yes. I don't think you're hooked but coming down from pills is different than cocaine. Sneakier."

"I just w-want to be home."

"I bet you do and I wish that was an option but your medical POA has other ideas."

"Q-Quinn?"

"Yeah. That may be one of the smartest yet dumbest things you ever did. I say that because she is going to make the best decisions for you but if you fuck up in front of her, she is going to make the best decisions for your kids."

"Wh-what does that mean?"

"It means, dear sister that Quinn is going to try to push you into a rehab program."

"I don't need it."

"That's debatable."

Then I remembered something Britt had said.

"Maybe an outpatient option?" I asked, the words coming clearer and clearer, like this concussion had knocked the part of my brain that had been skipping. "Mari, please?"

"You want me to talk her down?"

"Please?"

"You owe me sis, this can't be the only time we connect. We need to have brunch or something, shit."

I laughed and she smiled really wide.

"Okay."

Week Two

I spent two long days in the hospital getting tests but there was no reason for my seizure other than a drug reaction. I had gone into the hospital with a high dose prescription to Oxycodone. I left the hospital with no medicine but my anti-seizure medication.

Quinn and Mari had gone to war over rehab for me and they finally settled on a medical withdrawal over the course of two days in the hospital.

I got sick, I got fluids and they monitored all of my functions.

On the morning of day three, I left the hospital feeling drained but the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach was gone.

"How m-many more days until sh-she's home?" I asked Quinn as she looped her arm through mine.

"Seven days."

"You th-think she's ok?"

"I hope so. I need you two to hit a stride of just peacefulness. Everyone is tired, not just you."

"Ouch."

"I'm just telling it like it is, San. Don't you want some peace?"

"M-more than anything."

"Then let's do this thing. You should take a class or at least do something constructive. Anything but drugs."

"Y-you're right."

"I know."

"M-maybe I c-can redecorate."

"Okay, anything else?"

"I...um...music."

"Do you want to maybe invest in a piano?"

"M-maybe. M-more th-than anything, I just wanna be a mom."

"Then be a mom just do it sober."

"Yeah, I'll w-work on that."

Now that I had the scare, I threw myself into redoing my house to be more handicap accessible.

It was a bitch to only be able to see one floor of my three story house.

So I combed through the internet, looking for the best design to install a chair lift that wouldn't mess up the aesthetic of the house. Eventually, I hoped to climb the stairs with no problem but in this moment, more than 10 steps and I was in agony.

Quinn would leave me in the morning with the kids, I'd do my mom thing playing with them...feeding them...and then I'd spend the rest of my time making calls and laying out plans.

And then, the most important piece of my day came when Quinn got home and I would go to a meeting before heading up to the sanctuary. Ari was in her second week of chemo while she waited on Marco's bone marrow to be ready.

She hadn't wanted to use him but he was still a match and his tests all came back clean.

Her immune system was weaker than normal, so I couldn't even visit her and with all that chemo leaking from her pores so soon after I am healing from multiple ailments, it wouldn't be good for me either.

After that day of her storming away and me nearly making myself brain dead...again, we had a rift between us that felt like it was growing by the second but that could just be my insecurities rearing their ugly head.

I should have told her about my marriage.

Maybe telling it to her face was hard but a text would have worked...anything was probably better than the moment we are naked together.

She was super Catholic and I should have respected that but I just couldn't think of being married in that moment, all I wanted was to help her.

Now I just needed to keep focused on the task at hand until Britt was back.

I had chosen her, which meant playtime with Ari had to be done.

Ari knew it and I was supposed to know it but we'd crossed a line that we never should have and I was finding it hard to go back.

"Mama!" Isaac called and I turned towards his crib, it was early morning and I was just staring at the ceiling waiting to put my mom hat on.

And my son did not disappoint.

I rolled from the bed and peered into his crib.

My nose was assaulted with the smell of him and then I saw what he was doing.

Digging in his diaper and smearing literal shit on the covers, the bars of the crib, and in his hair.

"I sh-should just throw y-you away." I said to him before rushing to the bathroom and turning on the tub.

"Rise and-Oh God!" Quinn called out from the room as I walked out of the bathroom.

"I k-know." I said as I made my way back to my son.

"Poop explosion!" She said and I smirked, thinking of B.

That's exactly what she would say.

The baby began to whimper and I looked at Q pleadingly.

"Take c-care of him while I f-feed her?"

She laughed in my face.

Just blatantly in my whole face as she headed to Daniela instead.

"That's all for you, San...you had MONTHS of a break from Izzy and he is just letting you know how he feels about it."

"Touche."

It was impossible to pick him up without getting shit on me.

Fucking gross.

After cleaning up shit for hours, Quinn took my kids and sent me off with my prodigal sister, returned from Texas.

I couldn't be more thrilled.

So much so that I put on nice jeans and a shirt that looked hot but still covered the grotesque scar on my chest. If I could have worn heels, I would have but my body was not having it.

Despite the keyboard that I had gotten for Christmas, I hadn't really felt up for playing but Celia was going to do her part to get me back in the flow of things.

At least that's what she said when she picked me up.

That and a long winded explanation on why she had asked Quinn for the break in the first place. Some hogwash about her being young and Celia not wanting to come out to her mom since she was old.

I just rolled my eyes and stared out the window at the city that I had decided to call home rather than some other place and I was having a hard time trying to figure out why.

"Mari told me about your pill scare."

"Of c-course she did." I huffed.

"Well actually Quinn let it slip that she could only depend on Mari out of the family and I pressed her until she told me everything. Mari confirmed it but insisted that I not tell Sandra or Gladys which trips me out because you and Sandra were close."

"I f-feel lost most of the t-time. There are still g-gaps in my mind. It's h-hard to keep up."

"Is that why you thought remarrying Britt was a good idea, cuz your mind is all confused?"

"No. Sh-she is the only thing I'm s-sure about."

"Oh."

"L-look the f-family treated her h-harsh." I held up my hand when she went to speak again. "Sh-she didn't wr-wrong you, sh-she wronged me and Da-Daniela. So I g-get to feel however I w-want."

Celia looked like she was filled to bursting with things to say in response to my outburst and I didn't give a flying motherfuck about her feelings.

I got comfortable at her gorgeous piano and took my time with the keys.

My left hand still felt weak but I managed to get a rondo out...then a sonata...then something fancy.

Which used to be my only goal in life, to live it as fancy as possible and today I had made an effort.

I showered, I got dressed, and I even had a bit of make-up on. To make the outfit pop, I dug out my old wedding band and slid it on over my tattoo.

Just for kicks.

And it never felt more right.

The door to the gallery opened and in came Sandra looking flustered until she saw me staring back at her. I could see that she had come here on a mission, I just don't think I was a part of that.

But she came over to me just the same.

"It's good to see you playing." She said, after kissing my cheek and then leaning on the top. I played lazily as I looked up at my sister.

Flashes of recovered memories came back to mind. That's what they don't tell you about recovering a memory, it doesn't just sit there after you remember, sometimes it fades again but as I looked at her distress, I could see the look of a sister who helped me make a cocaine drop...who had kept me honest and had never shied away from telling me about myself.

"I'm sl-slipping." I admitted to her and her eyebrow raised but it wasn't in anger.

"What are you doing about it?"

"Meetings. Detox. Tr-Transparency." I said and she nodded.

"How can I help you through it?"

"Can y-you come s-stay for a while?" I asked, not wanting to make the journey to Westchester.

She looked surprised. Her house was like a hub of activity, everyone stayed with her but I wanted to be home. I NEEDED to be home.

"Are you sure about that?"

"I n-need your r-routine and help."

"What about Quinn and Ceily?"

"School and well C-Ceily is..." I trailed off as my other sister came closer.

"What am I?" Ceily asked and Sandra rolled her eyes.

"Flaky and unreliable. Your heart is in a good place but you are historically selfish. You know that...don't get new on me, sis." Sandra said and Celia shrugged.

"You're right but I'm working on it...right Ana tell her, I brought you out of the house!"

"And h-hasn't fed me or h-hugged me." I said pouting and they both laughed.

"Ceily how could you!" Sandra said in mock outrage.

And then they were both hugging me tight.

It should have been a moment of levity but I broke into sobs.

Ugly, heart wrenching sobs.

Good going, Lopez.

Way to ruin the mood.

So NOT wanky.

Week Two and a Half

My sister brought the life back into my house.

She had left us at the gallery and promised to be there that night.

I had gone home and told Quinn, I had never seen her look so relieved to see me.

Not even the news that I had asked my sister to stay rattled her.

In fact, she went around the house cleaning like the Pope was going to show up.

And once she was there, making dinner in the kitchen and Isaac had Tito as company, it felt like a home.

Busy and full of life but no drama.

Sandra told me to focus only on my health and the baby, that she'd take over keeping Isaac occupied.

For the millionth time, I felt guilty about not being closer to my son but he was at a stage where at nearly 10 months, he was restless. He wanted to playing, dancing, and entertained at every moment.

Tito, who had just turned 2, was the perfect distraction.

It took one day for me to realize that I needed to baby proof.

And in that same afternoon, while the chair lift was being installed on the stairs and a guy was baby proofing my house, I got the call that I had been waiting over two weeks for.

"Hello?" I said as I burped my baby girl.

"Hi."

The sound of Britt's voice, gravely but light made my world stand still.

"I missed you." I whispered.

"I miss you too. Do you have a second?"

"For you, yes."

"Good, I'm switching to video." She said and I quickly put down the phone and fluffed up my hair before answering the video call.

The woman looking back at me, with her hair chopped to her shoulders and her eyes twinkling like they used to was not broken.

And it made me feel so much.

Sandra came bustling in the room but when she saw me on the phone, she turned back around and shooed my son and nephew out of the room before closing the door.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"S-Sandra is here. I n-needed her."

"Good, I'm glad you are being open with your family."

"I am. H-How are you?"

"Better. I'm on new meds, one pill a day which is way better than six a day. I have been seeing my therapist again. She's amazing and I have been dancing, a whole lot. I broke on day two and took scissors to my hair. Thankfully, they were able to fix it. After that, things got intense and I'm better for it."

She sounded like an adult and it made feel like I was lacking but I knew it was necessary. My Britt Britt was looking back at me, with hope in her eyes for the first time since before my coma.

"That's a-amazing."

"So, I am calling to tell you that I will be home in two days. Frankie is picking me up and I was wondering if you wanted to take a trip with me. Like we wanted to after the funeral but never got a chance to do. Just the four of us."

"Really?"

"Yes, once I start work next week, it's going to be really busy and hard to get time in."

"I'd love that." I said and she grinned.

"Great. We won't go far, maybe just get a cabin or something."

"Okay."

"Great. I need to go but I'm glad you said yes so I can plan stuff. I'll come on Wednesday afternoon to help you pack."

"Okay."

"I love you, Ana banana."

"I l-love you too, Britt."

By the time that Wednesday rolled around, I had found a way to fix the need that I was feeling in my gut and the ache in my limbs.

Only, it wasn't really a good thing.

Going to meetings had proved fruitful but not in the way anyone suspected...especially not me.

I hadn't gone a single day without a pill.

Even though my script had been revoked in the hospital and Quinn had cleared the house of anything stronger than over the counter drugs.

But what does a room full of drug addicts know about the most?

Where to go.

Who to see.

How to coast.

And I was coasting, the guilt of coasting while I was breastfeeding was torture.

I would see Britt that afternoon and I should have put a stop to what I was doing on my own.

But more than anything, I should have realized where I was and how many people knew me.

Nico was dead but Marco still had eyes and ears, so when I walked out of my meeting that morning with a single pill squeezed in my palm, I walked straight into Marco and I froze.

He had a look in his eyes that used to mean he was about to whoop my ass and I backed away from him.

But he held his hand out to me and waited.

"No." I said, feeling caught out when I had thought I was being so discreet.

"Don't do this, Anita. Hand it over."

"No."

I turned and rushed up the stairs as quickly as I could. When I looked back, he was still standing at the bottom of the steps watching me until I pushed inside. I dipped my fingers in the holy water and crossed myself before making my way to the altar at the back.

As I knelt there, I looked at the crucifix above the candles and then slipped the pill into my mouth.

"Anita." He said, clearly from the doorway but I kept staring ahead, folding my hands like a good Catholic girl and beginning my penance.

"Baby?" My head whipped to the side and there she stood, her timing crazy as I swallowed the pill that I had left dissolving on my tongue. She looked to Marco and nodded for him to go.

She came and knelt beside me, crossed herself and began an Our Father like she had been doing this her whole life.

It was like being in the center of the twilight zone.

"I got here about an hour ago and Marco was at the house talking to Sandra. He told me where you were and how an old dealer buddy of his has been helping you. He came to confront you and even thought I wanted to, I felt like he got you in this mess before me, maybe you'd respond to him. That didn't work."

"No."

"So I got an insane update about you nearly overdosing. That scares me a bit but it's nothing I haven't dealt with before. How deep are you, baby?" She was soft where I wasn't, that was still plain.

How had I gotten back here?

"I d-don't know." I whispered.

"You've still been breastfeeding Dani...right?"

"S-sometimes but only after it wears off." I lied. She tsked and I looked down at my shaking hands. This was supposed to be a happy reunion. "I'm sorry."

"I know. So am I. The kids are going to stay home...Sandra says we should have our honeymoon while she looks after them but I know it's an excuse. I agree though. You could use a break."

"Th-they are my kids." I said.

"I'd like to keep it that way...so we are going to let that be the last pill you take without a prescription. We are going to get in the car and go on our vacation and hopefully by Sunday...things will be different."

"Is th-that a threat?" I asked pushing to my feet and she stayed there looking at me, not wanting to make me feel threatened I guess. Which was a change for her. Using her height advantage in an argument had always been her go to but maybe she had changed.

"It's a reality. You have way too many people that social services would give the kids too. You also have a history of drug use, so I want you to be with the kids and be a mom. I will do everything I can to make sure you don't get in your own way. This is what you do. You have a moment of happiness and you panic and screw up things. I'm back and I won't let you fuck up."

I cringed as the curse slipped off her tongue in a sanctuary surrounded by crucifixes.

"Fine. C-can I at least see th-them before we go?"

"Of course you can. Want to go now?"

"Yes."

When I got home, Sandra and Quinn were at the table talking in hushed voices with Marco. I cleared my throat and they looked up in surprise.

"Wh-where are they?"

"Napping, are you leaving now?" Q asked, looking like she wanted to convince me to stay but I needed to go off and do this without all of their judgements and interference.

Britt was back and we were both going through our own highs and lows, in the past I dealt with things on my own or when I was forced to, on every one else's terms but this didn't feel like that.

This felt like a break from all of it, a reset, and a rest.

I headed into my room and kissed my babies with Britt just behind me. She kissed them too and then picked up my overnight bag, her hand coming to rest in mine as we walked towards the car.

The hushed whispers had stopped, instead Quinn had gone upstairs and Sandra was waiting for us in the kitchen.

She pulled me into a hug and kissed my face.

"We'll figure this out. Just us, you let me know how I can help and I will. That goes for both of you." She hugged Britt next and then held the door open for us.

It was so strange.

Part of me felt like this was all a ruse to drop my ass off at rehab.

And I wouldn't put it past any of them.

But Britt wouldn't lie to me...not about that...would she?