Title: I'll Be Ready

Author: SneetchesToo

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Ethan/Rox

Summary: Rox didn't know how much truth there was to Ethan's talk about all this marriage stuff, but she was determined to find out.

Author's Note: Nothing to report here.

—

Rox still hadn't gotten over how incredibly forgiving Ethan had been toward her after their fight.

She expected him to yell. To kick her out. To tell her he didn't love her anymore.

But instead, he had taken her in with open arms and had spent the evening showering her with kisses.

And they had made love, multiple times, despite his warning that she would likely get sick too.

But she didn't care. She just wanted to be back in his arms once again.

She had missed him more than she had thought possible.

And they had talked. Like, really talked. Something she was still getting used to doing with him.

She was used to being able to run from her problems.

Especially when they involved men.

But not with Ethan. Nope. He wouldn't let her get away with shutting down.

She both loved him and hated him for it.

After their talk about her feelings toward Leanne and the whole situation Ethan had wrapped her up in his arms and snuggled her close and refused to let go.

And she had been perfectly okay with that.

They had spent most of that morning in bed together, forgoing clothing in favor of instant access to each other, and she had had to swat his hands away around noon when her stomach demanded sustenance after all of their love making.

Ethan had laughed at her, but then his stomach had joined in, and he had been helpless to say 'no'.

Instead he had dragged her toward the shower before getting dressed and ordering them an unhealthy amount of Chinese food.

And then he had tucked her against his side on the couch, a James Bond movie marathon playing in the background while they ate, and he hadn't let her out of his sight since.

"All that stuff you said the other night…" She didn't know what possessed her to bring the topic up now.

Surely he had forgotten all about it.

Surely he had figured they were moved on from the issue and it was long gone.

"What stuff?" His voice was groggy and she could tell that he was starting to fade.

He had put on a good front for her yesterday and this morning, but she knew that he still didn't feel 100%.

She felt bad for taking advantage of him the way that she did.

Not that he seemed to mind.

"That stuff about marriage and me being your wife," She shifted her gaze from the TV up toward him, hoping to catch his eyes in the soft light of the living room, "did you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it." He whispered back.

He locked his eyes with hers and she swallowed at the passion that she saw in them.

She should have known that he meant it.

She knew that he loved her. She knew that she meant a lot to him.

She never should have questioned just how much.

"I like the way that it sounds Ethan. I really do." She couldn't help but choke back a small sob at the thought. "I've just…"

"I get it Rox. It was silly of me to bring it up." He let his eyes shift back toward the TV, but she could tell that he wasn't really focused on what he was watching. "I told you my head was in a weird place."

"It's not that. It's just… this is all so new to me." And it was. Entirely new to her. She had never spent more than a few nights with a man, ever. And she had never been loved and cherished by one either. Not like she was with Ethan. "Even after three months, it's still odd to me that someone actually loves and cares about me so much. The fact that you would even contemplate marrying me some day is hard to come to terms with."

"It's okay love. I don't mind." He dropped a kiss to her forehead as he spoke. "I get it. Consider it forgotten."

She could tell that she had hit a nerve with bringing the topic up again.

She should have just kept her damn mouth shut.

"I don't want to forget it Ethan." And she didn't want to forget it. She wanted to think about it and talk about it. She just didn't want to feel pressured to have to say 'yes' if he were thinking of asking her any time soon. "I just… I need more time before I'm able to take that kind of step."

"I know. I'm sorry I brought it up." He let out a sigh as he sank back against the couch cushions, his legs stretching out onto the table in front of them.

She could tell that she was losing him.

That he was both losing interest in the conversation and in her.

"Don't be." She whispered.

She didn't want him to push her away, but she knew how he was.

He wanted to stop thinking about it and that was fine.

She just hoped that he didn't stop thinking about it for too long.

—

Later that night, after they had settled in bed and rang in the New Year by making love, once again, the idea of being Ethan's wife had plagued her mind once more.

She had tried to rid herself of the thoughts.

Tried to push them away and forget about them completely.

She had done her very best to clear her head of the idea.

But she was failing.

So instead she had tossed and turned, right out of his arms and on to the other side of the bed.

And when he woke up and realized that she wasn't next to him, he had reached for her.

"Rox…" His voice was so soft and sleepy and it did things to her body that it shouldn't be doing.

"Sorry." She whispered into the darkness. "I can't sleep."

He dragged himself across the bed slowly, his hands reaching out for her as his eyes stayed closed.

"You okay?" He tugged her into his arms once he had her close and he nuzzled his face against her neck with a gentle kiss.

"I'll be ready someday," She had no idea where those words came from, "you know that right?"

"Ready for what?" He whispered, his fingers dancing softly over the bare skin of her stomach.

"To be your wife." There, she had said it. The words that had been plaguing her mind for over a week now.

"I hope so." He pressed his lips against her shoulder softly before nuzzling his nose against her bare skin.

"I will." She hoped he understood what she was saying. She hoped that he understood that she was trying to make this work. That she wanted to make this work. "I don't know when that day will be but I promise you'll be the first to know."

"Good." She could tell that he was barely awake and she hoped that this conversation wouldn't be forgotten once morning rolled around.

"You promise we're gonna make it?" She whispered her question into the still air of the room and she felt him tighten his grip on her hip.

"I wouldn't be here, trying so damn hard to keep you, if I didn't know this was the real deal." He had pulled back from her some, his eyes opening to reveal soft gray orbs that were full of love.

"I don't know how to do this." And she didn't, still, after three months. She had no clue what she was doing or if she was doing it right.

"I know love." He pressed a kiss to her cheek as he reached up and cupped her neck softly, turning her eyes toward him.

"I'm scared I'm going to lose you." She choked out.

She felt a sob leave her lips and she turned her head away from him to avoid his eyes.

She hated letting him see her cry.

Even after all this time she still expected him to lose his cool with her every time she did it.

"You're never going to lose me. You hear me? Never." But he was having none of it and he turned her face back toward him. "I am yours and you are mine and that is that."

"What if I'm never ready?" She hoped she would be, one day, but she honestly didn't know if she would ever reach that point.

"Than you're never ready." He whispered, his eyes soft and loving, despite the fact that she knew that this was breaking his heart.

"I want to be. Someday." She really, really did want to be ready too.

She loved the idea of being his wife.

"I know." He let his fingers tangle in her hair as he kissed her nose.

"It scares me." She wasn't sure why she all of a sudden felt the need to just pour her heart out to him like this.

Especially at two in the morning.

Especially after everything they had been through the past few days.

"What? Marriage?" He raised an eyebrow at her and she knew that she was being stupid.

"Yes." He let out a soft chuckle, his nose nudging against hers softly.

"Don't be scared by it Rox. It doesn't have to happen." He pressed his lips against hers softly, his fingers dragging through her loose curls as he tugged her close.

"But you want it too." And that was what mattered most to her.

"Yes. I want it to happen. I want a home with you, a place that's just ours. I want a house full of kids and a yard full of dogs and I want to grow old with you by my side." Her heart skipped a beat at his words. She couldn't give him those things, none of those things, and it terrified her. She felt her heart breaking at the simple thought. "But I also want the Dodgers to win a World Series and the Beatles to go on tour and a cure for cancer. I want a lot of things Rox, doesn't mean I'll get them all."

"What if I can't give you those things?" She whispered her question and she prayed that he didn't ask her to go into details. Not right now. Not after everything. She couldn't bare the thought of how badly it would hurt him knowing that he would never have those things happen. "What I can't give you what you want?"

"Having you in my arms is all that matters." He didn't seem to mind though, at least not judging by the soft look in his eyes as he pressed his forehead against hers.

"Ethan…" She hated disappointing him.

"I mean it Roxane. I love you. That's never going to change. With or without the nice house and the half dozen kids and more puppies than we can count." He pressed a soft kiss to her lips, his legs tangling with hers as he rolled her over and onto her back, his body hovering over her as he spoke. "I will always love you. The other things, they're just bonuses. You hear me? If they happen, they happen."

"And if not?" She didn't want to know what would happen if she had to deny him those dreams. The half dozen kids, the yard full of puppies, being his wife. She hated knowing that those things may never happen for him.

"Than you and I will grow old together just the two of us." She may have liked the idea of a bunch of kids and a small army of dogs, but she loved the idea of growing old with just him even more. "We'll run away to some little cabin in the mountains and we'll retire. We'll spend our days fishing and you can grow a garden and I'll curse at my antique cars. And we'll spend our nights making love. Even when we're old and gray."

"You're insatiable." She growled out, her hands settling on his back as he let his fingers dance over her shoulder and down between her breasts.

"Yes I am." He leaned down and kissed her softly, whispering his words against her lips. "But if you had the hottest girlfriend around you wouldn't be able to keep your hands to yourself either."

"Ridiculous." She nipped at his lip as he let his hand wander further down her body, stopping just above the place where she needed him the most.

"Maybe. But you love me." He tugged on her lip gently with his teeth, his fingers finally falling down below her curls, dragging over her folds softly.

"More today than I did yesterday." She let her fingers wander up and into his hair, dragging his lips to hers as he slid a finger inside her.

"And more tomorrow than you do right now?" His eyes were soft and gentle and yet full of a passion she had never seen there before.

She let out a soft sigh as she let her body relax back against the mattress as he started stroking her softly.

She would never get over how gentle and yet perfect he was in bed.

"We'll see about that." She whispered with a wink.

He let out a gentle chuckle before crashing his lips back against hers once more.

If this was what being married to Ethan felt like, than she would certainly be ready sooner, rather than later.

*Don't forget to comment!