Chapter 32: Can't Let Go (Anthony Hamilton)

Brittany's POV

ONE DAY LATER

I laid in bed, butt naked watching my wife standing at the window staring out at a nearly frozen lake, she was swaying a bit as she hummed to herself. I think she was expecting me to fake her out.

The whole ride, she was asking me questions...about my stay in treatment...if I thought she needed it...did I ever just want to drop her in the woods and leave her there...crazy stuff like that.

But instead, I brought her to a cabin off of Lake George, a three hour drive north of the city which was quiet in early February, I'd only seen two other cars on the road in and it made me excited to know it was a good starting point.

Just us.

She grinned as she got closer to the window, her breath was fogging the glass as she stared wide eyed.

I slid from the bed and stood behind her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and pulling her against me.

"Look." She whispered pointing at the lake shore.

There was an adult and a kid having a snowball fight.

"I want that for you...for us. To be carefree like that."

"Me too."

"I won't let them take the kids from you. I promise."

She got stiff and I expected a protest but instead she turned in my arms and looked me straight in the eye.

"If I e-ever jeopardize them...I need you to pr-promise me you will."

"What? You're serious?"

She lifted her hand up to me, showing me the scar on her wrist and palm. Then she brought my fingers to her face, it wasn't super visible but there was a scar right along her lip, where she always told me she got a mole removed as a kid.

"He h-hit me so h-hard that my teeth went th-through my lip. I w-was 9."

"You aren't your father, Ana."

"No but he only did th-this when he was dr-drunk."

She was beginning to cry and God, I just couldn't let this vacation be filled with tears.

"Okay, if you ever put them in jeopardy, I will take them and let you go figure it out. I won't let you back until you are sober. Is that what you want to hear?"

"P-promise me." She held up her pinky.

I didn't want to do this but then I thought of her putting Izzy in danger and how that pushed me to keep her from him. She should have known that this was a thing I was already capable of. I was still capable of.

But I didn't want to.

Not then and not now but I knew it would eat her alive if she didn't feel a consequence for slipping up.

"I promise."

On top of coming home to her new pill thing, which we were going to fucking nix if I had anything do with it because forreal addictions were annoying...but on top of that, she still looked skinny...but like even more so.

So, we went out after that whole promise thing and bought enough food for the both of us...plus a little more.

When we got back, I pulled out pots and dishes, then put away all the food and then in my sweetest voice.

"Can you make me breakfast?"

She looked at me like I had said something nuts.

"R-really?"

"Yes. If you make breakfast, I'll make lunch."

"And leave me with d-dinner?"

"Well yeah, we can take turns...that means tomorrow, I'll make two meals and you make one. It's fair."

"Fine but wh-what about dessert?"

"You are dessert...Quinn told me you were cleared for strenuous activities...why didn't you tell me last night when you were fucking me to sleep?"

She shrugged as she pulled out eggs and bacon.

"No big deal."

"Uh...yes, it is. I'd like to have sex with you. Did you know we haven't had sex since like August?"

"I had sex with you."

"No. You haven't let me touch you since right after Ian died. I miss your taste and your sounds...I miss you. I am yours but you are not mine...not yet."

She turned around with tears in her eyes and slowly pulled her sweatshirt off...then she took off her bra looking self conscious...then she pushed down her leggings with a hand on the counter to steady her.

And there she was, completely naked in front of me and I wanted to jump on her.

But then she put her fingers over the scar that split her chest and then her other hand on her cesarean scars.

"H-How can you s-still want me?"

"How can I not?" I said, moving closer to her, stripping my clothes off along the way. I pressed my body against hers and then ran my fingers up and down her arms.

"I'm not h-hot anymore. Th-that was like my one job."

"Maybe to the glee club but not to me. Looks fade, you are more than your smoking body and pretty face."

"Am I?"

"Yes..." I wanted to say let's forget breakfast but then I brushed my hands along her ribs and her boney hips...she was too firm and tiny for someone who had just given birth in December. "After breakfast...I'll show you how much you mean to me."

"Can we j-just h-have fruit?" She asked, her voice was small, just like I imagine it was when she was trying to appease Marco but I was not him. Fruit was better than nothing.

And we could have that in bed.

"Yes."

The more she moaned while I dribbled fruit over her body and then fed it to her, before licking the juice off her...the more excited I got.

In just foreplay, I got her to eat strawberries, blueberries, and a super juicy pineapple. She was looking down at me expectantly as I trailed kisses down to the center of her but then I came back up...kissing scars and stretch marks as she squirmed.

"Please?" She whined and I felt vindication.

I wanted her to want me.

I needed her to need me.

And then I started humming that song and she chuckled and when she did I slid my fingers into her and she hissed.

"You okay?" I asked and she nodded.

"Take it e-easy."

"Right." So I did. I moved my fingers through all the wetness, then brought my fingers to her lips. "Suck." I watched her weave her tongue around my fingers and shuddered, I needed her to see what she did to me. "You're so fucking hot." I growled and then I sunk between her thighs.

"Yessssss." She hissed again as I sucked her clit between my lips, then my fingers moved slowly and she was whimpering as she moved her hips. "Yesssss!"

I couldn't stop watching her come undone as I brought her closer and closer to the edge.

My wife.

My everything.

She tasted different...almost chemical but tangy and sweet too...like the drugs in her system were seeping out of her along with all the sweetness she'd been faking for way too long but I kept going. I went until she was shuddering, her body going into so much shaking I had to stop because I thought she was having a seizure but she was smiling down at me.

No, seizure just a really good series of orgasms by yours truly.

Score for me.

Literally.

Now all I needed was to get her on the right track and this was definitely a start.

ONE WEEK LATER

"Have you talked to her?" Frankie asked me as I stretched in my office. I looked up at her and then slumped back against the wall.

"No. She won't talk to me."

"To be honest, I wouldn't either. You fed her, fucked her, and then left her in Lake George."

"For a week. In a few more days, I'll be right back there picking her up and bringing her home. Besides, I gave her the option to go into treatment, I didn't force her."

"No, but I mean, what other choice did she have?"

"I already feel bad, Frankie...don't make it worse."

"You live in my house and you insisted I come to New York in the first place, I'm nine months pregnant and cranky, don't act like me talking to you is an annoyance, right now, Brittany."

I held up my hands and nodded my head.

"Okay. Fine...maybe I'll go up early, her time ends on Sunday, I could go up Saturday night with the kids and we can pick her up. Spend the day in the cabin...family time."

"You think she'll want that?"

"It would be a good way for her to know that I'm not taking the kids from her."

"Or you could just tell her."

But I didn't tell her, I decided to leave the kids with Sandra and head up the cabin on my own.

She felt like I blindsided her and so I was going to give her some power back...in bed.

Why not?

How long had it been since we had gone there?

I had everything planned out but when I showed up to pick her up on Sunday, the lady at the front desk stared blankly at me.

"What was the patient's name again? Spell it out for me hon?"

"Santana Lopez. S-A-N-T-A-N-A L-O-P-E-Z."

She looked at her screen for a moment and then clicked to another and then nodded.

"She's not here. She checked herself out on Monday."

"What?!"

"Sorry, honey. She's not here."

I'd driven three hours and for what?

But I had rented the cabin and had gotten myself all worked up for a relaxing two days at the lake.

No wonder they wouldn't let me talk to her when I called.

There was no one to talk to.

I parked at the cabin and headed up to the door.

But there was music coming from inside.

I unlocked the door and there she was sitting on the couch, a glass of wine in one hand and a book in the other.

Like this week hadn't happened and I had been out for a walk.

"Uh...hi." I said as I put the keys down and dropped my overnight bag by the door before kicking it closed.

She looked at me with annoyance and went back to reading her book without a word.

I had fucked up...that was obvious because I was pacing back and forth looking at her and she just smirked.

No words.

No anger...just her casually reading and taking small sips from her wine.

I finally just sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her.

She looked healthy, this week had made her look healthier...happier.

How?

And then I remembered what Ari had told me of my wife.

She had spent weeks alone as a kid...she knew better than most people how to be alone.

This showed that to me.

Not once since she had been awake, had she really spent time all alone and now I had essentially given her a full week to do just that.

"You left rehab."

"I did." She said, eyes still on the book as she sipped her wine.

"You weren't answering my calls."

"No p-phones in rehab."

"Yeah but you left."

"You didn't know th-that." She said, sounding amused.

"This isn't funny."

It happened so fast, the way she lurched her feet and placed her empty glass on the coffee table.

Then she was on her knees just in front of me and looking up at me with a smile.

"I n-needed peace. I'm s-sober. That was j-juice...I just wanted to f-feel like a big girl."

She began to work on my shoe laces, pulling them out until she able to pull off my shoes.

Then she was peeling off my socks before sliding her hands up my legs.

"What are you doing?"

"Whatever you w-want, Daddy." She whispered and I could feel the heat in my cheeks.

"If this is what peace does to you, baby, I'll give you as much peace as you need."

She chuckled and then slapped my thighs.

"Clothes off."

We went at it until we were both panting and sweaty. She suggested I shower while she made me lunch...so I did and then I came out, watching her linger at the window again, wrapped up in a robe. The scratches on my back from her digging her nails into it stung as I dug through my bag to find the strap-on that I had brought on a whim.

"Look at me." She said from behind me and I turned to see her wearing it...fresh from the packet and it fit her hips just right.

"That was for me to wear."

"You left me." She said plainly and I knew better than to argue.

"How do you want me?"

"Chair." She said and that's when I noticed the chair that was in front of the window. I began to move but she was a step ahead of me as she sat there and spread her legs. I came to stand in front of her and she spun her finger around, so I turned to face the window. "Sit."

I hesitated...it had been forever since I had taken a strap-on and especially not one this big. I had gotten one I knew she'd like which was bigger than anything I'd ever had...and I'd had a lot.

But I wasn't going to crack...it seemed this whole time as she fucked me with her fingers and mouth, she was trying to take back all the shame she felt when I left her at that rehab.

This seemed to be a part of her peace and I was more than willing to let her have her way with me.

So when I slid into her lap, biting into my lip the whole time she got impatient and yanked my hips down until I was flush against her lap.

"FUCK!" I yelled and she kissed my back.

"D-dance for me." She said as she held loosely to my hips. I leaned back against her and rocked my hips. The ache was almost too much but it felt good to have her feeling so in control.

I'd taken some much control away from her and I would do anything to give it back.

She pressed her lips to my back as I rocked for her and she kept moaning when I would moved just so...so I kept doing it.

Her panting got me excited so I kept doing it until she realized I was taking over so she wrapped her arms around my waist and stood up.

I yelped as she pushed my upper half forward against the window.

She had been so close to an orgasm but now she was fucking me against a window without a second thought.

"Oh God...fuck...fuck...Ana...fuck!" I was chanting as she kept going then she snaked her hand between my legs and went warp speed against my clit. I came squirting and shaking a second later.

She leaned against me and in me, as I caught my breath.

"Not done." She said as she kept her arms tightly around me, we walked, with me still on that monstrosity and her pushing us forward onto the bed. "H-hands and knees."

I had never been so thoroughly fucked in my life.

And I knew for a fact that she had...by me even.

Now I was experiencing what I used to do to her back in Lima...then I'd go fuck Frankie...only I was being vicious and even now, she was still being sweet.

I got on my hands and knees, waiting for her. She pulled back and then surged forward and I collapsed.

My knees keeping my hips high enough for her but my face pressed into the pillows.

I came twice and then tapped the bed.

"I...fuck...need a minute." I said, feeling like I was dying of thirst.

"Don't th-think I've h-heard you say that before." She said pulling out of me and then laying at my side.

"Well you have never...like that...wow. I see why you're a bottom." I said and she growled at me and smacked my ass. "Yes, a bottom just like my ass."

Then her hand was pushing between my legs again and she slowly ran her fingers over my clit. I spread my legs and she chuckled.

"Slut." She chuckled.

"Only for you baby...oh fuck...only yours!"

"Like the s-sound of that, B Lo."

I let out a long moan as I came and then I rolled off the bed, on shaky legs trying to put some distance between us.

"I don't know what kind of drugs you're on but I need a breather."

Her face dropped and I heard myself and I regretted it but it was too late.

She slid off the bed and stormed into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door.

Fuck.

ONE MONTH LATER

No amount of holy water or prayers will ever erase the fact that I tried to kill my wife. There is nothing that anyone can say to me that will make me forget that I nearly killed my daughter.

I will never pretend to be perfect ever again and seeing her shut down on me after I made that stupid comment, well that just proved that I still had some growing to do. Frankie had given birth to a sweet little boy just after we got back from Lake George and I had moved back to the house to give her and Siobhan their space.

My marriage had some bumps but Ana was trying her hardest to prove to me that she was serious about not being addicted to those pills. She'd been going to meetings with people, so I knew she wasn't buying drugs.

Was it weird to me that most of the time that person was Marco?

Absolutely but she was trying and I was not.

I was in the heat of working again and trying to find the perfect female lead and without Frankie there, I was failing miserably.

After a three weeks in a row of bittersweet auditions, I still hadn't found the star of our show. We kept getting amazing singers but awful dancers or amazing dancers that were tone deaf.

I was at a loss and needed someone to help me with this process but I was trying to do it on my own, without talking to Ana, even though she always has an answer to everything, I wanted to prove myself.

At first I was going to call Rachel Berry but that thought quickly left me when I thought about the damage that she could inflict on a production. She was so amazing that she wasn't humble and I needed that humility.

I only had 1 rule, no divas.

That was my first priority.

Ana had told me to leave Frankie be while she got used to being a mom and I had promised her that I would but then I broke and called her anyway. I should have listened to my wife because Frankie ended up crying about being too tired to think of dancing and Siobhan yelled at me so now, I'm forced to figure it out on my own AND I have Frankie mad at me.

I felt so close to just letting Tony choose the dancer but that would be the same as quitting and I didn't want that.

I'd worked too hard for this.

The moment that I got hung up on by Frankie on Friday morning, I got pulled into a day full of auditions. By the time dinnertime rolled around, I was dragging because I ended up on the stage a few times. I was really hoping that Frankie wouldn't call Ana and tell on me, we were still in a weird place and I didn't need her coming at me for something else.

I had the feeling that I should fess up to her first and tell her I was making mistakes all over the place but I felt like I still had time.

Usually I get home late, close to 7 but today I got out early and would be able to give Izzy his bath for once.

We had yet to hit a home routine and with my hours being all crazy, I felt responsible.

I just wanted peace but when I got back to our house, Quinn was in the middle of a shouting fest with none other than Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel. It was like walking into the twilight zone. I dropped my bag loudly in the foyer and then kicked the door closed with my foot. The arguing stopped and I was met by three pairs of angry eyes.

I put on my biggest smile despite my exhaustion as I tossed my purse onto the couch and strode into the kitchen for a long anticipated bottle of water.

Eventually, I acknowledged them.

I walked back into the living room and plopped down on the couch and looked at the three ex-glee members.

"What's up guys?" I asked nonchalantly as I sipped my water.

Rachel went to speak but Quinn held her hand up and then turned towards me.

"What are you doing home Britt, San and the kids aren't even here."

"I live here Quinn...and I know that she's not here, she texted and told me she was at Sandra's and would be home later. What are they doing here?" I asked seriously.

"We were...I asked Kurt over because he and I are in the same dramatic arts class...we got assigned as partners for the semester. He brought Rachel and I was just asking her to leave." Quinn said as she glared at her ex-girlfriend.

"And I don't see why she is putting up such a big fuss!" Rachel said as she stomped her foot and crossed her arms over her chest. I looked at Kurt and he was packing his things.

"Well Rach, I think that Kurt is making that decision for the both of you. I don't appreciate you thinking that it would be okay for you to come here after everything with us." I said as I stood to my feet and walked towards the door so that I could personally show them out.

Something about her being here just didn't sit right with me.

They both looked back at Quinn but didn't move towards the now open door.

"Call me later Kurt." Quinn said quietly as she began to walk towards me.

Now we were both standing by the door.

Kurt nodded and grabbed Rachel's hand and they made their way towards the door.

And then her intentions became clearer to me.

"So Brittany...I hear that you are head of casting for the formerly titled Misfits...I was wondering if-" she began but I turned abruptly away from her and made my way up the stairs.

"Not interested!" I said as I brushed past her.

I didn't even turn around to see what expression she was making because I was pretty sure that I already knew.

I was incredibly tired but I wanted to talk to Ana before Frankie did. I couldn't let this become something big. So I laid across my bed and called

"Yes?" she sounded tired and annoyed.

"Hey babe...I just got home. Are you okay?"

"No." she said harshly.

"What's wrong?"

"My mom is g-getting married."

"Oh that's great news!" I said happily.

"No...it's not g-great news! She is m-marrying my godfather! It's just...str-ange." she said sounding like a jealous five year old.

"You love Hector! Who better than him?"

"It's just...weird."

"You'll get used to it, I mean as long as your mom is happy, right?"

"You h-hate my mom."

"I don't hate her. I just don't care for her bullshit."

"S-same thing."

"When are you coming home, I really need to talk to you."

"W-we are t-talking now."

"Ana, you have been spending most of your time at Sandra's, hiding out from me every other week. I trust you. I told you that."

"B-but I d-don't trust myself wh-when you're not home."

"Why?"

"I'm scared to screw up."

"I'm so proud of you for admitting that to me."

"I don't w-want anymore lies in between us."

"Oh...right...no lies!" I said nervously. My skin was suddenly hot and clammy as I buried my face in the pillow.

"Wh-what aren't you saying, Britt?"

"I um...I love you Ana and I only want to be with you." I said as I lifted my head and rested it on my hand.

"I love you too, B. Tell me now please, y-you are s-scaring me."

"So you know how I have been freaking out over these auditions?" I started slowly.

"Yes."

"Well...I needed a little help...a second opinion other than Tony, you know...so I called Frankie even though you said not to and now she's pissed at me." I finally blurted out.

"Oh..." she paused for a long time and I waited patiently.

In the span of the sixty seconds that she was silent, I braced myself for her to yell and scream at me. We had been through so much so this was kind of a big deal for the both of us.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity she spoke.

"Thanks for t-telling me B. Y-you are under p-pressure, g-give her space." she said softly.

"Ok." I whispered.

"Feel b-better?"

"Yes."

"G-good. I am l-leaving the k-kids here."

"What?! I've been waiting all day to give Izzy a bath!"

"I n-need us time. Q is l-leaving t-tonight too."

"You sure about that? We haven't been alone since the lake."

"E-exactly. I trust y-you, I n-need to trust m-me. Th-that starts with not sh-shutting you out. S-see you soon."

"Ok. I'll help however I can, you know that right?"

"Of course, B. I love you."

"Always and only you babe." I said softly before I hung up.

And then all of a sudden I was a wreck as I covered my mouth with my hand and sobbed into the pillow. I was so overcome with her words ringing in my head. Not since everything went down had I felt her trusting me...not really and then after I left her in Lake George, I knew she was losing trust in me as her mate but her saying it just now...well that made me feel like I was on top of the world.

I trust you...I trust you...I trust you...I trust you!

It was like water after crossing the desert.

God had answered one of my deepest prayers.

I wouldn't let Ana down.

"Mama...ki ki...peessseee!" Isaac mumbled to Ana as she carried him into the house.

"I thought you were leaving him?"

"Y-you w-were so ex-excited about the bath."

"So you brought him home so I could give him a bath?"

"Y-yeah. T-take him, he's heavy."

I leaned my head closer to him and he planted a wet kiss on my cheek and then pulled back and looked at the trail of spit that was there.

He was so proud of himself.

I smiled at him and held up my hand.

"You are getting better and better, high five Izzy!"

"Five!" he squealed. He raised his chubby little hand and hit my palm and then laughed.

I lifted him from Ana's arms and she sighed with relief before sitting down at the kitchen table. She rested her chin in her hands as she watched me dance around the kitchen with our son.

He was in a great mood and I was soaking up everything about it.

"Did you eat?" I asked Ana as I bounced Izzy in my arms.

"He did. Twice."

"And you?"

"No."

"And why not?"

"I w-wasn't hungry."

"Are you hungry now?"

She looked at me sideways.

"Sh-should I be?"

"Depends on the last time you ate."

"Br-Breakfast at 7."

"Then yes, it's been over 12 hours, so yes. I expect you to be hungry."

She dropped her head on the table and groaned.

"Fine."

"Cereal and milk?" I asked as I pulled down her favorite bowl.

"Sure."

"Okay, you're in a mood. Are you mad at me?"

"Yes...no...Fr-Frankie called in the car. You heard the b-baby crying and k-kept demanding an-answers."

"Oh. I am so used to our baby crying...I guess I just forgot that's stressful."

"Well you s-should give them sp-space."

"And you." I blurted out, tired of this whole cold shoulder she'd been giving me.

We hadn't even had sex since the lake...since before I said something dumb.

She poured her cereal and then got up to go get milk but she had to pass me, so I grabbed her upper arm.

Not even tight but it was enough to piss her off, she snatched her arm from me.

"D-Don't."

Izzy started crying and I was trying to soothe him while trying to figure out where the disconnect was with me and Ana.

The way she looked at me when I touched her was like we had gone backwards.

We'd only been married for a month and it seemed like it had all gone to shit.

"Mama! Mama!" Izzy cried but Ana just put milk in her bowl and slowly ate her food.

"What are you doing to my baby?!" Quinn asked as she pushed into the kitchen with her bag over her shoulder.

"He's tired and cranky."

"Give him here, I'll take him with me to Celia's."

I looked to Ana for some guidance but she just looked at Q and shrugged like she didn't give a shit.

What was going on?

I handed Izzy over to Quinn after giving him kisses and she left us alone in the kitchen.

"Want to tell me what I did that has you so mad?"

"I'm e-eating." She said as she chewed her food.

So I sat across from her, crossed my arms over my chest and watched her.

"Well then I'll talk...okay?" I asked and she shrugged again. "I trust you, Santana." At her full name, she lifted her eyes and glared at me. I shrugged this time, "At least I know you're listening."

"I am." She said before going back to her bowl.

"Good. So okay...I feel like we keep having these awesome starts and then stops. One day you're mad at me and the next you're not. I just don't know what to do. Do you want me to leave? I can go or maybe you need me to tell you more? Maybe I'm not doing enough? I just need to know what you need...I feel so lost and I am trying so hard to be what you need but I don't know what that is."

"I..." She paused, "Were you done?"

It came off so cold from her, even though I knew that's not how she intended it.

"Yes."

"At the lake...I...re-remembered e-everything. I...re-remember what you did to me. I just...don't know how to m-move on. I f-feel stuck."

It was by far the longest sentence she'd said in awhile and looking at her now, knowing all of that, I could understand why she was upset.

"So that's why you're weird about me touching you?"

"Yeah."

"Do you regret remarrying me?"

"Not r-really."

"But you do, a little bit?"

She put her face in her hands and began to cry.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry." She said and my blood ran cold.

No.

We were not going back here.

No.

I reached over and pulled her hands away from her face and looked in her eyes.

And she did the thing she's always done when she's known I'm searching and she's sober, she stuck out her chin and dared me to look.

Nothing.

Thank God.

"You remember the bad things, don't you?" I asked, reaching for her hands again and choosing this time to hold them in my own. "You can tell me anything, I'm here, baby."

"I sn-snorted so much coke. I d-don't deserve him."

"Who Izzy? Is that what that was?"

"Then I f-fucked Marco after he al-already signed the papers. I g-got high af-after."

This she hadn't told me.

"That's in the past though, do you also remember how instead of going big for your 19th birthday, you went to rehab all on your own?"

She nodded and let the tears come.

"I ta-taunted you. Pushed you."

"No. Don't go there. What I did was unacceptable, no matter what you did. You will not make excuses for me. Understand?"

"Okay."

"If you need me to give you space while you figure this stuff out, I can do that however you need me to. I'm sure Frankie would let me stay if I offered free babysitting."

"No. I j-just need c-control of us."

"The sex...that's what you were doing?"

She looked down into her bowl and nodded.

"Yeah."

"Did it help?"

"It was until you s-said that thing."

"I was an asshole for that. Let me make it up to you. Everyone is gone, you can fuck me as much as you want and I won't say dumb stuff."

"Yeah?" She looked excited all of a sudden.

"Sure baby, whatever you want."

"Carry me up?"

She had more stamina than she had a month before but I'd been dancing again regularly, so I did too.

I let her handcuff me to our headboard and then I laid there at her mercy while she fucked me hard.

And I was shaking as I came over and over again until she finally allowed herself to let go.

My body ached so good and I felt insanely grateful that it was Friday and I didn't have work the next day because I wasn't sure I could make myself walk if I wanted to.

She cuddled against me in the tub a while later, just like we used to do when we were two broke teenagers and she was at war with her own feelings for me.

Everything was so simple back then when her biggest worry was holding my hand in public.

Now we had a family and were trying this marriage thing a second time...for her technically a third time.

"So t-tell me about your work st-stress that y-you were bugging Frankie about?"

"I'm still trying to find my female lead. Can you believe that Rachel Berry was here earlier trying to suggest I cast her?"

"In our h-house?"

"I know, I said that to her."

"Good."

"It's just tough because I get great singers that are terrible dancers and terrible singers who are amazing dancers."

"Well...I know Ari is available, she's t-taking a leave of absence this s-semester."

I laid there staring at Ana in awe.

"How hadn't I thought of her? Wait did she have the bone marrow transplant?"

She'd pretty much disappeared in the time since I'd been back so I had no idea.

"Yes and she's d-doing good. S-staying with M-Marco."

"Do you think she'd do it?"

"It's h-her d-dream."

"Is it too late to call her now?"

"Yes b-but do it anyway."

After we got out of the tub and settled in bed, I grabbed my phone and then settled into Ana's embrace while putting the phone on speaker.

It was just after ten and I hoped I wasn't interrupting her night.

"Hey Britt." Ari said breathlessly into the phone.

"Hey...do you have a minute?"

"Yea...I just out for a run with Moncho." she chuckled.

"At this hour?"

"Safest guy in the world next to me. What's up?"

"Do you sing?"

"Yea."

"Like how well?"

"I was in all-city choir in high school and I was the lead soloist...why?"

"Would you ever consider auditioning for Broadway."

She hesitated but then laughed into the phone.

"It's...it's my dream." she said seriously.

"I want you to audition...for the lead in my show."

I was met by complete silence and then I heard a sob through the phone.

"Oh...my...are you serious right now Brittany?" she was shocked.

"Yea. I really think that you would be perfect for the part but I need you to audition in front of my bosses and Tony. Can you come in Monday?"

"Uh...yea! God...yes! What time?"

"Ten."

"I'll be there! Thank you so much for this! Wow!"

"Wear sweats, bring sneakers, toe shoes and tap shoes. Oh and bring music for your song portion."

"Got it! Thank you! Wow!"

"See you Monday, Ari."

"Yes! At ten! Thank you...bye!"

I really hoped that she was on point Monday because if she was than my search was over! Crazy excited at the prospect, I texted Tony and August, one of them could tell Frank that I would need them to come in.

My body was zinging, I was up for another round and when I looked at Ana, I could see that she was too.

"More?" She asked and I nodded.

"Please but a hug first?" I asked and when she nodded, we lunged at each other and hugged so fiercely it hurt. I was so excited!

I needed to trust my wife more, if I had just been honest in the beginning, I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

We had hit a rough patch but I had to believe things where looking up.

I couldn't let go of us...no matter what.