Title: What We Can't Have
Author: SneetchesToo
Rating: Teen
Pairing: Ethan/Rox
Summary: Rox's heart hurt knowing that she couldn't give Ethan the one thing he wanted more than anything in this world. She just hoped that he wouldn't leave her for it once he realized the truth.
Author's Note: Warning: mentions to loss of pregnancy due to violent acts. You have been warned.
—
Rox had been so thankful when things had finally calmed down some.
Once Ethan had gotten over the topic of marriage and moved on with his life.
It wasn't that she was entirely against it. No, she had sort of settled on the idea that it was going to happen eventually.
She knew they both just needed some time.
But he hadn't brought it up in a few weeks and she was glad.
Things were finally starting to become more normal.
That was until they had been on a call and they had arrived to find a young woman struggling to breathe.
They had tended to her quickly, giving her oxygen and reassuring her that they would get her to the hospital and get her back on her feet in no time.
She had gasped out the name 'Anna' before her eyes filled with tears.
And that's when Ethan noticed the baby swing in front of the window and the bottle on the coffee table.
Rox and Mario had moved the woman out to the ambulance and they had been ready to leave when Ethan came out of the house, a small pink bundle in his arms.
His eyes were soft as he climbed in the back of the rig with who she could only assume was Anna.
She was only a few months old from what Rox could tell, but she had smiled at Ethan and he had smiled back.
And Rox's heart had broken in two.
She had seen the way his eyes lit up at the child.
At how excited he had gotten at holding the baby close.
They had rushed her mother to Angels, Anna snuggled close to Ethan's chest the entire ride, and she had had to bite her lip to fight off the tears forming in her eyes.
After they had gotten her settled, and Ethan had handed the infant off to her father who had met them there, she had vanished down the hall and out to her car quicker than she thought possible.
She knew she should have told someone that she was leaving, but she just wanted to get the hell away from them, from all of them.
But especially away from Ethan.
She had driven home with tears in her eyes.
She had ignored all twelve of Ethan's calls and all of his texts.
She had fallen into bed and cried herself to sleep and she didn't even care that it was only three in the afternoon.
Her heart was broken and her soul was tired and she just wanted to disappear.
—
When she awoke a few hours later the house was dark and quiet, the moonlight creeping in through her bedroom window.
She let out a sigh as she rolled onto her side and checked the clock beside the bed.
7:34pm stared back at her and she closed her eyes once more.
Four hours of sleep wasn't nearly enough to make her feel better.
Not after the events of today.
Not after seeing the look of pure joy on Ethan's face at the fact that he was holding a little baby.
She had never hated herself in one specific moment as she did right then and there.
She knew that he deserved the truth.
She knew that she needed to talk to him about what was plaguing her mind and why.
But she couldn't bring herself to face him.
Sighing to herself she made her way into the bathroom and showered before making her way down the hall and into the living room.
The sounds coming from the TV didn't hit her until it was too late.
"Hey you." Ethan's voice was soft as he lifted his head from it's spot against the arm of the couch.
He looked so perfect and so relaxed and she stopped in her tracks at the sight of him.
He had obviously showered at some point, and he had changed into track pants and an Army t-shirt. His hair was a wild mess but his eyes were gentle and calm and all of the things she certainly didn't expect to see.
"You sleep okay?" He pushed himself into a sitting position but didn't move any more.
She was thankful that he was keeping his distance.
She certainly didn't think she would be able to handle it if he got to close.
"Yeah." She whispered.
She didn't know if he had heard her, but then he was nodding his head and standing slowly, moving toward the kitchen with slow steps.
"I was gonna make dinner but I didn't know how long you'd be out so I just ordered a pizza instead." She watched as he stopped in front of the counter and opened the white box in front of him. "There's still half of it left."
She had never heard the doorbell ring.
She had never even heard him enter the house.
She must have really needed that nap she had taken.
"Thanks." She could barely make words form in her throat.
Every time she looked at him she saw him with that baby in his arms.
And it was breaking her more and more with every minute that passed.
"Don't worry about work," He turned to face her and his eyes were so sleepy that it made her want to fall into his arms right then and there, "Mario and I covered for you."
She didn't know what to say so instead she just nodded her head.
Her legs had forgotten how to work and apparently so had her voice.
"Why don't you go sit down?" He gestured toward the couch with one hand as he turned back around and grabbed a plate from the cabinet. "I'll bring you some pizza."
Again, no words formed in her throat, so she just nodded her head even though she knew he couldn't see her.
Taking a deep breath she forced one foot in front of the other and made her way toward the couch slowly.
She had only been seated a minute or two when a plate appeared in front of her. She took it slowly from his hands and she watched out of the corner of her eye as he settled himself back into his spot on the other end of the couch.
She was thankful that he didn't try to push himself on her.
That he was respecting her space.
He was getting a little bit better at that with every day that passed and she was appreciative, whether he realized it or not.
They sat in silence while she ate, the only sound in the room coming from the cooking program Ethan had left the TV on.
She both welcomed the quiet and hated it.
She could practically feel the tension between them and it was too much for her to bare.
"I can't give you that." She whispered softly.
She felt her heart literally crack as the words left her mouth.
"Give me what?" His eyes shifted from the TV screen to her and she let out a sigh as she set her plate on the coffee table.
"A baby." She choked out.
It hurt so much to actually say those words out loud.
She had never feared them before now.
Probably because she had never had anyone who wanted the same things as her before now.
"A baby?" He shifted his body on the couch, turning himself so that he was facing her. "Who said anything about a baby?"
"I saw the look in your eyes earlier." And that look had broken her heart. "You want one. You want a baby. You wanted that baby."
"No. Not particularly." She watched as he blinked his eyes a couple of times while he spoke. She knew that she was confusing him, but she couldn't even wrap her head around what was happening right now. "I especially don't want some stranger's baby."
"Ethan..." She could feel her anxiety setting in.
Her hands were starting to shake and she could feel her heart racing in her chest.
She really didn't want to have this conversation.
But she knew that it was necessary.
Especially if they were going to continue on with this relationship.
"Hey, if anyone's giving me a baby, it's you." He smiled at her softly as he moved himself forward, stopping when he was directly in front of her. "Otherwise, I'm good."
The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye made her lose control.
"I can't give you a baby Ethan!" She shouted her words and she was shocked when he jumped slightly at her raised tone. She never got loud with him, ever. "Don't you get that?"
"I'm so confused." He reached out for her but she pulled away, standing from her spot and moving to stand in front of the window. She couldn't stand being so close to him. Not when she was about to destroy him. "What are you talking about?"
"I was pregnant once." She whispered. "When I was nineteen."
"What happened?" She noticed that he had moved to stand, but that he kept himself by the couch instead of moving toward her.
She both wanted him to stay put and to come closer.
Her mind was raging a war with her heart right now that she certainly didn't appreciate.
"I wanted to keep it. He didn't." She could feel the tears falling down her cheeks and she wrapped her arms around herself to try and offer some comfort. "So he took care of the problem himself."
She heard Ethan let out a sigh and then he was moving to stand behind her.
He wrapped his arms around her gently, his hand pushing it's way under her tank-top to rest against her bare stomach.
"The scar on your stomach?" He let his fingers trace over the top of the scar lightly before he pushed at her pants, letting them slide down a little so that he could follow the path of the scar.
She hated that scar more than she hated any of the other ones.
That scar was a constant reminder of the child she had lost.
Of the life that she had never gotten to live.
"I'm sure you've read my file Ethan." She knew he had seen it. She knew he had to know what had been done to her all those years ago.
"I haven't Rox, not the details." He nuzzled his nose against her neck as he moved his hand back out from under the material of her underwear.
"I don't talk about it." She whispered.
And she didn't.
She didn't talk about it when it happened and she sure as fuck didn't talk about it now.
"How far along were you?" His question sent her mind into a tailspin.
She guessed he wasn't going to just let the conversation go.
"13 weeks." She choked out.
She still remembered how excited she had been when she had found out.
She had called Emo immediately and told her the good news.
She had gone out and bought the vitamins and all the healthy food she could find.
She had been determined to do the whole thing the right way.
"I'm so sorry Rox." He pressed his lips against her shoulder as he tugged her back against his chest.
She felt a shiver leave her body, followed by a sob, and then he was gently turning her around in his arms.
One hand settled softly on her hip while the other cupped her cheek against his palm.
"I spent almost 5 months in the hospital." She had been so screwed up, and not just physically, after the attack that they had kept her to make sure that she got the proper amount of care. "I'll never have children Ethan."
"Hey, it's certainly not a deal breaker for me." He dropped his forehead to hers as he pulled her close.
"You deserve a family." She hated that she had to take that away from him.
That she would be the reason that he never got to have children of his own.
"I have a family. I have you, and Ariel." She knew he was lying. She knew that he wanted children. He had mentioned it a bunch of times before. "That's enough for me."
"You don't want kids?" She was hoping to call his bluff.
"Sure I'd love them if I had them," He pressed a soft kiss to her nose before continuing, "but I'm not gonna up and leave just because we might not be able to have a baby of our own."
"Oh. Okay." She felt her heart start to race again and she reached out, clinging to his t-shirt desperately.
"I love you Rox." He pressed a soft kiss to her lips then, his fingers tangling in her hair as he dragged his lips over hers. "Nothing changes that. Kids or no kids. You hear me?"
"I just..." She couldn't get the words out.
Not now. Not after everything.
"Don't. Don't go there. Don't go to that place in your head. It's not worth it." She was thankful that he understood her so well. That he knew exactly what was running through her mind in that given moment. "I love you and you're mine and I'm yours and we will be just fine just the way we are."
"I..." Her throat felt like it was on fire and her head was pounding all of a sudden.
She could feel her body starting to spiral out of control.
She was thankful when Ethan pulled back slightly, moving them back toward the couch and settling her in his lap once he was seated.
He wrapped his arms around her tightly, his lips dropping kiss after kiss to her head as he did his best to console her.
She would never understand what she had done to deserve this man.
"Roxane. Look at me." He reached down then, gently lifting her chin up so that their eyes locked. "It's okay."
She nodded her head softly before dropping her head back against his chest.
She felt him tighten his arms around her and she let out a strangled sob as she tried to bury herself against his chest even more.
She felt like a small child, trying to hide away from some invisible enemy.
They had sat there for a while, him just holding her close, his head nuzzled against hers as he tried his best to calm her down.
She had felt her body start to relax after a while, and with it her mind.
She felt like talking about all of a sudden, and she wasn't sure why that moment had done the trick, but it had.
"I always wanted kids. More than anything. I wanted to do things right you know? Make up for all the shit my parents put me through as a child." She whispered her words as she let her fingers settle under his t-shirt and against his bare chest. She sought out the chain of his dog tags as she let out a soft sigh. "I was so happy when I found out I was expecting. I didn't think it was a big deal. He didn't have to involved, I didn't want anything from him."
"So why do it? Why did he care if you gave birth or not?" His question was one she had been trying to answer for almost eighteen years.
And she had yet to get any closure from it.
"He was just evil like that, that's all." He had been a first rate asshole is what he had been. He used to beat her, constantly. And he told her how much he hated her whenever he had the chance. She never understood why she kept crawling back to him. She guessed that she had just been so fucked up back then that she just needed to feel like she belonged somewhere. Even if that somewhere was with him. "He didn't want to see me happy I guess."
"Just so you know, if I ever see that guy on the street, I'm gonna shoot him." He let his fingers run through her curls softly, his lips gentle against the skin of her forehead as he pressed a few kisses there.
"Get in line." Emo had lost it when she found out, and so had Jim.
She was honestly surprised that neither one of them had hunted him down and killed him for what he had done to her.
"I'm sorry he took that from you baby." He settled himself even further back against the cushion, his arms tightening around her as he held her close. "It wasn't fair. You didn't deserve that."
"I became real depressed after. I just wanted to die." She remembered praying over and over again that something would go wrong and that she would just die from complications. And after she had been released from the hospital, she had just wanted to take her own life. She had tried, once, but she had obviously failed. "It all just felt so, unreal. If it hadn't been for Emo, I never would have survived."
"I'm glad you had her." She couldn't imagine what life would have been like back then if it weren't for the older woman.
She was still her saving grace.
"Me too." She whispered.
"I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I wish I could take it all away." She could hear the sadness in his voice and that's when she felt his tears against her skin. She hated that she had broken him with the news. She wished she had never had to tell him any of what had happened to her back then. "I wish I could give that back to you."
"I just... I had already fallen so in love." She loved the idea of being a mother, especially back then. "I had picked out names and everything."
"I'm sorry honey. I'm so so sorry." He dropped a kiss to her head as he let out a soft sigh.
She could feel his heart racing under her fingertips and she pressed a kiss against his shoulder as she snuggled closer.
"I felt like I was being punished for something." The man who had hurt her told her that she deserved it. That she deserved to suffer for being such a whore. She had believed him back then, and part of her believed it now. "I saw it as a sign and I just, I lost myself because of it."
"You didn't deserve that. No one does. You hear me?" Ethan reached down and gently lifted her chin up once more, his eyes locking with hers as he dropped his forehead against hers.
She could see the pain and sadness in his eyes and it killed her.
"It's hard sometimes. Seeing babies, little kids. It hurts." It had been hard since the day it had happened. And every time she saw little ones it broke her in two, especially babies. And after having seen Ethan with that little girl in his arms, it had been too much for her. "He or she would be almost 18 but it still kills me to know that I'll never get that opportunity back."
"We can always adopt." His words startled her and she pulled back from him with a curious gaze.
He was making no sense at all.
How in the hell had they gotten to this point?
"Excuse me?" She choked out her question as she tried to wrap her mind around what he had just said.
"What? Don't look at me like that." His eyes were soft and slightly playful, but they were also full of so much truth and love and it was almost too much for her handle. "There's nothing wrong with adoption."
"I never said there was." She had no issues with adopting.
She supported it 100%.
But the idea of them, adopting, together, was something that she couldn't wrap her head around.
"Then why are you looking at me like I have seven heads?" His tone was playful as he tugged her back into his arms, sighing when she refused to settle back against his chest.
"It's just..." She honestly didn't know why the topic startled her so much.
It's not like she hadn't thought about it before.
Especially not with her biological clock surely ticking down.
"What? Look Rox if it's something you really want then it's something I'm totally up to looking into." His words made her heart flutter in her chest. She couldn't believe what this man was willing to go through for her. "I just want you to be happy."
"But adoption? That's expensive. And stressful." She knew all to well the plight that Leanne had gone through in order to get Ariel.
She remembered all the court dates and hearings. All the paperwork and late nights. All the sweat and tears and anticipation.
She didn't know if she was cut out for that.
"So is having a baby. In fact, so are a lot of things in life." She knew that was true, but still. "But if it's something that would make you happy, I'd do it."
"I don't... I don't think that's the right move for us Ethan." It's not that she didn't think it was a good idea. It was better than not having any children at all she supposed.
But it was something that required so much more planning and effort than she figured Ethan would ever be willing to put in.
"Then we'll get a bunch of cats." He offered her a soft smile as he spoke.
"I'm allergic to cats." That, and she had no desire to be known as the cat lady.
Emo had a friend who was like that.
An old spinster with a house full of furry critters.
She was as nice as could be, but if Rox was being honest, the woman scared her.
"Then we'll get a bunch of dogs." She knew he was really into the idea of getting a dog or two. It wasn't the first time he had mentioned it to her.
"I've always wanted a dog." And she had, ever since she was little.
Her parents had certainly never indulged that fantasy.
And Jim was allergic to them, so that had ruled out having one at Emo's.
But she could totally see her and Ethan with a dog.
"Dogs are always fun." He winked at her as he ran his fingers down her cheek. "A lot less stressful than a baby too."
"So, we're getting a puppy then?" She knew her eyes had lit up judging by his smile and she hoped that he would say 'yes'."
"Yes Rox, we can get a puppy." She let out a soft squeal as she threw her arms around his neck, her lips crashing against his hungrily.
This conversation may have started out horrible, but as long as it ended with her getting a dog, she was perfectly okay with the fact that it had taken place.
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