Chapter 35: OK Not to Be OK (Marshmello & Demi Lovato)
Santana's POV
Sitting in that room with Ari, a girl who I had been in love with since forever, and watching her receive the news that her body had rejected Marco's bone marrow and she needed to go back on chemo, is probably something I'll never forget.
We had been talking about her previous night, about how Marco fell off the wagon and showed up high. How he was in trouble and she worried that I was wrapped up in things. She asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting with her tonight since Marco obviously wouldn't be showing up to go with me.
All while she sat waiting to hear news that would alter her future plans yet again.
She just kept talking, kept wondering about what I wanted and needed.
All while I watched her fidget and try to ignore the albatross hovering over her shoulder.
The doctor came in and Ari immediately held my hand in a death grip.
"Breathe." I said to her and she shook her head.
"Can't."
The doctor sat down and Ari immediately began to cry...doctors rarely ever sat when it was good news and if anyone knew that, it was her.
"Ariana, Marco Vega was always a near perfect match but never exact. Over time his cells have morphed, probably due to heavy drug use. You are still in Stage 2 and we would like to keep you there. So you will go back on the registry and talk to your family and friends about being tested. In the meantime, it would be good to get you started with a round of chemo."
"Inpatient or outpatient?"
"In."
"Can I think about it?"
"Well, yes, of course...I wouldn't hesitate though."
He left us and then she looked at me.
"This is six." She said. "Why won't God just take me? It's like he dangles me close to death and then snatches me back. Do you know how hard it is to remain hopeful?"
"Yes."
"Of course you do, shit you were dying for like four months there."
"Kinda."
She smirked.
"Aren't we a pair, star crossed soulmates who just can't seem to die. That should be on Broadway...better than the 1500 remakes of Romeo and Juliet." She was going on a tangent and I would normally let her but my heart ached.
The stress of this day was making me fiend for drugs and then knowing about Marco...I just needed to shake it out and dance.
"What are y-you gonna do?"
"I am this close to my dream so I'm going to fight like never before because I finally have something to lose."
"Good."
"But I need something from you."
"Name it."
"Get Brittany to hold my spot...and you...should stay away. Just for now...I'll call if I need you."
"Promise you'll c-call."
"I swear on a stack of Bibles."
"Good."
"I love you, Anita."
"I love you too."
Brittany's POV
Ari had insisted on going into the doctor's office with just Ana, I tried not to feel some type of way about it but I did. Carlos, the brother that looked like Marco, sat beside me awkwardly.
Then he sighed and started fiddling with his phone. I had heard him and Ari whispering about Moncho, who I knew as Marco, something had gone down and as much as I hated it...whenever something went down with him it would cause ripple effects that often took down my wife.
She was just starting to get better and I didn't want anything to get in the way. Good or bad, better or worse, she mattered most to me in this world and I would protect her.
"Tell me what happened with Marco and if I need to be ready for something to come down on Ana."
He turned towards me and I could see the darkness on the side of his face, like he'd been punched. Everything was so busy before that I hadn't noticed.
"You know that my sister was staying with him after the shooting and the transplant...right?"
"Yes."
"Well, he came home a few days ago, drunk as a skunk talking about hit jobs and how it wasn't safe for her to be there with him anymore. My sister has never really hesitated, she knows when to leave. So she went back to her dorm and called me. I am...well placed in the government. I used to be a Navy Seal. She asked me to come stay with her while she got used to being back in her dorm."
"Okay...so what happened?"
"Last night right after you called, she started getting ready for today. She was playing that song she sang earlier when he tried to break in to her dorm and hide. He was high as a kite, still had coke on his lip. He heard the song and started crying but he never said what he did. He just said there was a warrant and a hit man, he wasn't sure which was coming but he needed to hide."
"He's a total psycho and that's coming from me." I said, laughing without being amused. I looked down at Dani who was quietly sucking on her bottle, grunting like usual. Her presence kept me calmer on the outside than I felt on the inside.
"I tried to kick him out and we got in a fight, someone called the cops and since he had the warrant, they arrested him and issued me a citation. He didn't mention Ana at all but with him, you never know."
I hated the sound of that.
The door opened and out came my wife with vacant, bloodshot eyes.
"It's back." She said to me and Carlos. "You sh-should go in." She said to Carlos and he immediately got up, squared his shoulders and went into the room.
Ana came to stand in front of me, looking like she needed to be tethered. Her face looked sunken and pale as she began to chomp on her fingernail.
"Talk to me."
"I just w-wanna go home, B."
"Say less, baby. I got you." I said, standing and pulling her against me. She looked up at me with watery eyes and tried to smile but I shook my head.
"You never have to pretend for me. I know you are holding back a lot and you won't break in front of all these people but when we get home, you can break all you need to and if you need peace or to be alone, I'll make that happen too. Whatever you need, I've got."
Santana's POV
I could tell that Britt was trying hard to coddle me and make me feel better about today. I mean first we had that thing where Frankie had tried to kiss her and even though I trusted B, it made me annoyed that Frankie couldn't fix her face at home and not bring up shit that meant nothing.
Britt hadn't kissed her back and from what I could tell, was pissed it had even come up.
The hand on the leg thing, I couldn't explain and you know what, after me doing some questionable things...especially when it came to the me, Ari, Britt triangle, I wasn't going to bring it back up unless she did.
Despite the sad news about Ari, we were good and I was going to do my best to keep it that way.
Which is why, even though I didn't want to eat, I put my hand on her thigh as we sat in the car.
"Hold on."
I took out my phone and texted my sister.
Need a favor-Ana
What's up?-Ceily
Really need some alone time with, B.-Ana
How long?-Ceily
Can we drop off the baby for a little and I could maybe borrow the keys to your gallery?-Ana
That's a big favor.-Ceily
Please?-Ana
On one condition, you stop by my place and grab me a change of clothes and my toothbrush?-Ceily
You got it, so you'll take her? She's asleep for at least three hours.-Ana
Izzy has been asking for you.-Ceily
Been neglecting him, I'll switch them. You take baby, I'll take Isaac?-Ana
Deal!-Ceily
"What's going on over there?" B asked, her smile strained.
Poor thing.
I handed her my phone while I buckled myself in.
She handed the phone back and then pulled out of the garage with a smirk on her face.
"Excited?" I asked
"Definitely."
Brittany's POV
Izzy was babbling excitedly as we got on the train towards Brooklyn. Ana insisted that we not sit in traffic when we could just get on and off the train whenever we wanted. She was a little too excited about not needing her cane obviously.
We claimed a seat near a window and Isaac kept clapping and talking to us with broken words and excited little shrieks.
Then it happened, the thing I had always seen in movies but not really in person...not like this.
A group of girls entered the car popping and locking their bodies as they rested a boombox on the floor.
It was very old school looking and I was dancing in my seat as they went...until one of them caught my eye.
"Come dance, Mama." She said, her accent thick and I glanced at Ana, she grinned.
"Go, Mama." She said and then Izzy clapped.
"GO!" He shouted and then I was up, dancing right along with the girls.
I kept watching my wife and could see the heat in her eyes that was always there when I danced.
By the time our stop came, I was slightly sweaty but Ana was clinging to my side as I held Izzy in my arms.
"Feeling okay, baby?" I asked and she hummed.
"Yeah."
"Do you need anything? You've had tremors, I can tell."
She buried her face against my arm and took a deep breath as we stood outside the gallery. Then with shaky hands, she unlocked the door and pushed inside. Our footsteps echoed as we went inside and then she turned and locked the door.
"Y-You know I've been cl-clean, right?"
"I mean, I believe you when you tell me that you're sober, yes."
"Right now, B...th-this place. Brooklyn is wh-where I first got hi-high. It's a tr-trigger. Do-Don't let me be al-alone here. Ever. Okay?"
I hadn't seen her look this grim in a really long time.
She was genuinely scared to be in this place but had brought me here anyway...so we could have some time together.
"Whatever you need. I meant that." I said and then kissed her sweet lips.
"Ki Ki!" Izzy screamed in my ear.
"Celoso." Ana muttered and then kissed him too.
"I wanna play...you k-keep dancing. Hmm?" She asked and I nodded as she slowly made her way to the piano.
"Down." Izzy asked but this was an art gallery with way too much art that I couldn't afford to replace but then again, I was faster than him. So I put him down and he walked about ten steps after Ana before sitting on the floor and watching her as she sat at the piano.
She lifted the lid and then cracked her fingers before starting slow.
Izzy was entranced with his Mami, just like me. I sat next to him as she began to play...this wasn't something she'd really ever done for just me and now she was. I felt so special.
And then she began to sing and I couldn't help but pick up our son.
I moved closer to the piano and began to dance with him, he tried to put his thumb in his mouth but I pulled it out and told him no.
He whined but then I rocked him to the sound of the music and he yawned.
"Bring him here." She sang out and I smiled as I danced my sleepy son towards the piano.
Ana continued to play as she made room for us on the bench.
Izzy's head popped up and he reached for Ana. I was about to stop him but she lifted her right arm for him while her left hand continued to lazily play.
When he was in her lap facing the keys, she continued to play and sing for him.
He just smiled so happily.
I couldn't help but snap a few pictures of them together.
This moment, was bliss and I knew it wouldn't last long...that's just the way our lives worked but I was beginning to learn what it meant to truly live in a moment because in the end that's all we have, just a series of moments that are what we make them.
Santana's POV
With Britt by my side, I was able to have an uneventful weekend.
After the gallery we'd come home and enjoyed our kids, Isaac was walking all over and Daniela was lifting her head now. We laid her on the floor for tummy time and just kept singing to her, to see that beautiful smile.
Isaac though, was jealous of the attention we weren't giving him and laid next to her, arm over her back and tried to act like a baby too.
And we indulged him a little.
He hadn't had a chance to really be a baby, with me and B all over the place.
Then that night with the house quiet, I straddled Britt's waist and buried my hands in her hair while I pressed kisses to her face and neck.
"I love you." She whispered and I grinded down against her abs. It'd been a long time since I had climaxed off just rubbing myself on her.
"I love...God...I n-need you." I said back, "fuck me...hard."
"How do you need me?"
"M-Make me forget."
"What?"
"J-Just want your name on my lips. Please?"
I felt close to breaking. So much was on my brain. Ari. Marco. What his arrest could mean for me. Him falling off the wagon. There was just so much shit and I wanted, no I needed to be fucked into oblivion in that moment.
She started off by holding my hip and pushing her fingers into me, three right away and I groaned.
"Rock." She said and so I did, I moved my hips against her fingers, wanting more and deeper than she was giving me.
"M-More."
"It's hard like this, baby." She whispered back.
"Wanky." I winked down at her before I eased off her hand, then knelt on all fours, wiggling my ass for her amusement. She grinned and then moved behind me. She gave no warning as she sunk her fingers into me and I had to bury my face in my pillow to muffled my loud ass moan.
I came four times just from her fingers and then I was weeping into my pillow, she laid next to me and held me but that's not what I wanted.
"More." I said to her as I turned my soaked face towards her.
"Baby, what is it?"
"Please, st-strap up and go un-until I pass out."
"Ana, I'm really feeling weird about that. I have the power to hurt you, I HAVE hurt you."
"Please?" I was crying more as I gripped her face. "D-Don't be nice...j-just please. I can take it. I pr-promise. We c-can even use a safe w-word. Please?"
"Okay, red, yellow, green light?" She asked and I nodded.
"Okay."
"I'm green." She nodded and then got out of the bed, I went to move but she slapped my ass.
"Stay like that, you want it rough then I want you to stay just as you are."
"Okay."
It felt like I was kneeling there forever, my legs were shaking and then I shrieked when I felt something warm and vibrating push into my ass.
"Color?"
"Gr-Green." I groaned.
And then she pressed that strap into me and I howled into the pillow.
"Still Green baby?"
"Yes!" I moaned out. She gripped my hips and pulled me back against her. It was animalistic and raw, just like I wanted it. She kept rubbing my back though, reminding me that she was still sane...still thinking of my pleasure instead of hurting me.
My knees gave in and she kept me suspended in the air as she continued to fuck me.
I could feel it coming...the darkness, it was coming with the orgasm that was going to be better than any I'd had in forever.
"You're so wet, baby. You keep squirting, are you still with me? Still green?"
"B...B...yes...B...yes!" I chanted as she kept pounding into me.
I heard a whimper through the baby monitor.
"You're so close, come on baby, just a little more and then I'll go take care of her."
She went from thrusting to pounding her hips against mine, I was suddenly wrapped in her arms, her arms hooked under mine as she clutched my shoulders bringing me back against her. My body shook as I came, I saw light and then fireworks.
"YES!" I shouted not giving a fuck about anyone else just before I passed out.
Brittany's POV
She passed out with a smile on her face but I still needed to check her breathing. I pulled the vibrating plug out of her ass and the strap from her body, her body shivered as she laid there in her own juices. I gave her ass a smack just to see if she had passed out.
And she didn't even flinch, just smiled a little bigger.
I left the strap there and went into the bathroom to clean myself off before heading down the hall to the nursery.
There I found Quinn, looking wide eyed as she sat in the glider and fed Dani.
"Hey." I said to her and she glared at me.
"That was incredibly hot...for me. Ceily is upstairs with her headphones on, trying to drown out the sound of you fucking her baby sister."
"Whoops."
"Is she okay?"
"She was green the whole time, she asked for it. Something is going on in her head and I think she's trying to not think about drugs or Ari."
"Ari?"
"Yeah, the transplant didn't take. She's back on chemo."
Quinn shook her head and closed her eyes.
I could tell she was praying so I let her be and swiftly picked up a sleeping Izzy.
His diaper was swollen, so I changed him and then placed him back in his crib, all while keeping him asleep.
"That's impressive, B."
"Took some practice, my mom showed me how to do it."
"How is she? Have you talked to her?"
"Once or twice. They're um...still in Chicago."
As the baby finished her bottle, Quinn held her out to me. "Are you two going keep going at it or can I actually get some sleep?"
"She's passed out, I think she's out for the night. If she does wake up needing more, I'll take her down to the guest room."
"Thank you, although with the way she was moaning, the basement might be better."
"That's a good idea." I said as I burped Dani. She was making sucking noises next to my neck like she was still hungry. "Is there any milk left in that bottle?"
"Nope and this was the last one."
"I guess, I'm going to have to wake up sleeping beauty."
"Good luck with that, at least with the baby in the room, I know you'll keep noises to a minimum."
Quinn kissed the baby's head and then left.
I glanced down at my sleeping son one last time and then headed back to the room.
I guess I expected her to be how I left her but instead she was sitting in the middle of the bed, naked as she wrote down something in her journal, with the phone to her ear, stone faced.
"No...well...yeah...that...no." Her voice was void of emotions as she talked.
She caught my eye and I held the baby towards her, she nodded and then pulled a pillow onto her lap, leaving the note book to fall to the bed.
Once the baby was in her arms, her face softened a bit and once she was latched on, Dani started her little grunts like she was starving. Then it hit me...had we eaten more than those hot dogs today?
My wife looked impossibly small and was probably needed something to sustain her that was more than amazing orgasms.
So instead of being nosey, I left her and the baby to go find her some food.
As I stepped into the kitchen, I ran into Quinn again, this time she was sitting there with Celia.
"Oh look, it's the girl who was fucking my sister."
"Her wife, babe...you have to get over it." Q said to her and I laughed.
"I mean, I watch their kids all day and this is how they repay me."
"If it makes you feel any better, that was probably it for the night. She's up there on the phone looking way too serious and out of it for me to touch her."
"The phone?" Q asked then looked at her phone. "It's the middle of the night, who is she talking to?"
I shrugged and started putting things on the counter.
She needed to eat something, that was my only priority.
I filled a plate with fruit and bread, humming to myself while Q and Celia bantered back and forth.
Just as I was putting food away, I froze at the sound of my name.
"BRITTANY!" Hearing her scream for me made me drop the container of leftovers as I sprinted from the kitchen and up the stairs.
She was standing there, tears in her eyes holding Izzy who was wheezing and limp.
"His machine...come on." I took him from her and she followed closely behind me as I got his machine set up and slipped the mask over his face. It took him a few moments but he curled up against me, his wheezing slowing down. "Baby, go put some clothes on." I said to her and she looked down at her naked body, then at me her eyes glassy as she nodded.
"Right."
"Ana?" I called to her.
"Hmm?"
"What did you take?"
I watched her face go pale as she backed from the room, then turned and ran.
The signs were there if you knew how to look.
And I was always looking.
Santana's POV
I had been in bliss and then she left me.
But that was necessary and I understood that the baby came first.
She'd taken good care of me, made me ache in all the right places but when I slipped from the bed and stumbled into the bathroom, I still had to face myself.
Everything was still very much in my mind and I wanted it to go away.
All of it.
So...well...I did what I had to do. Knowing it would still be there because who would think to move it?
The moment I remembered it, I had checked and saw that my stash was still there.
Quinn was good at clearing the house but not as good as I was at hiding shit.
I lifted the tank to the toilet and found the small little baggie that was there...just Oxy...no coke. That wasn't something I could do as a once off. Besides, the does of Oxy I was cleared to take while breastfeeding was one pill and right then, that was all I'd need.
Just to calm myself.
I was in control.
Through the wall, I could hear her talking to Q and knew that my time was limited. So I replaced the tank after making sure the bag was sealed and secure. It was smarter to just take the one pill than to have to hide a baggie.
I'd learned that lesson a long time ago.
After scooping water into my hand and swallowing it back with the pill, I emptied my bladder and then ran a brush through my hair that was badly in need of a wash and me wearing a scarf again.
I'd been neglecting my hard to manage hair and if I didn't do something about it soon, it would start to loc on me.
One more thing to help me find some routine.
That was going to keep me sane.
Some self-care and a routine, especially once Britt was working six days a week.
My phone chimed and I was thrown, it was like 3, who the fuck was calling me.
I climbed into bed and picked up my phone, I couldn't not answer.
"Sugar?" I said.
"Write this down because I'm only saying it once." Her voice was serious, there was no sweetness to it.
I grabbed my journal and let out a breath.
"Okay."
"Carmen is gone, she took the baby she's at the plot. Someone knows about that night and you should lay low."
"But."
"No. I'm serious okay, Daddy has someone watching your place. You're safe just stay out of Brooklyn."
Britt was in the room now and I just stared ahead, trying to school my face as the pill kicked in.
"No."
"Do you doubt me?"
"Well..."
"You know I'm not fucking around right?"
"Yeah-"
"Are you high?"
"That-"
"Get it together or I'm telling Britt, do you want that?"
"No."
"I thought so."
Then she hung up and I just sat there wondering what the actual fuck just happened.
Britt gave me the baby and I felt a calmness settle.
The baby latched on but the moment Britt left, I took my boob from her and just burped her instead.
She fell back to sleep after I sang Here Comes the Sun to her. I was taking her back to the nursery when I saw Isaac with his face in the bed, wheezing. I put the baby down and lifted him, trying to get him to wake up but he wouldn't.
And I panicked.
I screamed her name and she came up and set everything straight so quickly that I thought it would all be okay.
But then she was asking me the last question I thought she would.
"What did you take?"
I panicked and left the room but I didn't get far.
There outside my room was Quinn and my sister who was holding a plate of food.
"Hey, why are you crying?" Q asked and I felt stunned as I wiped my face.
I didn't know I'd been reduced to tears.
Fuck.
"I'm f-fine. Is that for me?" I asked my sister and snatched the food plate before closing my bedroom door in their faces.
At the very least, if Britt came in to see me eating, she wouldn't be as pissed as I knew she was feeling at the moment.
Brittany's POV
I took my time heading back to the room, even Quinn popping her head in to ask me if everything was okay didn't get me to move. Feeling my anger rise, I carried Izzy in my arms and headed back to the room, I needed to be able to keep an eye on him if he was flaring up again.
When I got back to the room, she was pacing back and forth, muttering into the phone again while she carried a piece of apple in her hand. She stopped moving when she saw me come in. She glanced at her near empty plate and then at Izzy in my arms.
"H-Hold on." She said, then she glanced out of the window for a moment before looking up at me. "Oxy." She said and I nodded, not wanting to hear anything else. She was being honest, even if I didn't like her answer, it counted that she wasn't holding back.
I glanced at the clock, it was nearing 4 and she was on the phone yet again.
My body ached from fucking her and I just wanted sleep, so I tossed a pillow at her back.
She glanced at me and raised her eyebrow.
"Hang up or take the call to the bathroom...let us sleep."
"Oh. Sorry, sorry, B." She said something into the phone then ended the call before turning the light off and crawling into the bed.
Izzy slept between us as we finally faced each other.
"What's going on with you?"
"No big d-deal." She lied.
I reached over and touched her face...she flinched.
There was anger under my skin now.
I hated how itchy it felt.
So I rolled from the bed, reached for my pill sorter, flipped the lid...Saturday night's pill was still there.
I swallowed it dry and then laid back in the bed.
When I looked at her again, she was crying.
Again.
It made me tired.
And angry.
And hurt.
I had put in some good work when I fucked her, there was so much love there and it didn't seem to matter because the phone had ruined it.
Whoever it was, made things go back to before.
And it made me want to put my fist through their face.
When I woke up, it was because Izzy was poking my face and grinning, his dimples were deep as he woke me up. He was Ana's twin with the exception of those eyes, that reminded me of my own.
He was a beautiful kid and I could tell he'd be a little heartbreaker just like his Mama and his Mami and his Dama.
Ana's side of the bed was cold and when I sat up, I could see that her phone was gone...so were her glasses and her coat.
I reached for my phone and there was a sticky note attached.
Britt Britt, Couldn't sleep. 6am mass w/ Q. Be back at 7-Ana Banana
When I glanced at the clock, I could see that it was already half past 8, which meant she she should have been home an hour ago.
I picked up Izzy and headed to the bathroom, I brushed his teeth and then mine before carrying him to the nursery.
Dani wasn't there and I tried to push down the little bit of panic that I was feeling.
She trusted me and I needed to trust her, even if last night was sketchy as heck.
But she was feeling a lot of feelings.
I had to trust.
Once Izzy was changed and wearing his favorite Elmo pajamas, I let him ride the chair lift downstairs while I walked beside it. He clapped his hands as we made it downstairs and reached for me.
There was laughter coming from the kitchen...and hearing it, hearing her at home made me relax.
Dani wasn't in her swing either, so I could only imagine she was in the kitchen. I was anxious to know where she was and that she was okay, even though logically I knew there wouldn't laughter if the baby was missing. It's not like she could get up and walk yet.
When I pushed into the kitchen, Ana's back was to me as she flipped pancakes and sang to herself.
I was shocked to see Puck in the kitchen, it'd been forever since I had seen him. He was holding a little blonde girl who looked exactly like Quinn and then I saw the way Quinn was looking at her.
"Beth?" I said and the girl looked up at me. She smiled when she saw Izzy.
"Baby." She said to Puck and he nodded.
"Yes, Beth, that's a baby. His name is Izzy."
"Izzy." She said and the kid in question clapped his hands.
When I glanced over to the stove, Ana was looking at me with worried eyes and a smile.
Did she think we were in a fight?
Or that I was mad at her?
Were we in a fight?
Nah.
As long as she kept being honest, kept trusting me with her whole self, we were good.
But obviously she didn't know that and it was my job to make her feel it.
Santana's POV
Q was going to be a mom.
All that bullshit in highschool when she tried to steal Beth back and here...just a few years later, Shelby was handing custody back to Quinn now that she was becoming a real actress.
And Quinn was telling me her plans to get a place with Puck so they could raise her together.
The shock of seeing Beth in my kitchen when my own personal world was falling to shit was difficult.
I wanted to be happy for my best friend but I just couldn't get myself to be present in the moment.
With Britt sleeping next to me that morning, I had gotten up and taken a second pill from the tank but then I thought of my seizures...I thought of the last time I took too many pills when Britt was in treatment.
So I did something that used to calm me.
I took a shower, I washed my hair...all while that pill sat on the counter top.
Then I blew it dry and put it in a perfect knot on top of my head.
An hour went by and I still wanted to take that pill.
This wasn't what I wanted though.
I knew that.
So I lifted the tank top again, grabbed what was left of my stash. I put the pill back in the baggie and then I slowly climbed the stairs to the third floor.
When I pushed open Quinn's door, she was sitting there reading while Celia slept, snoring loudly.
"Hey." Q said, putting the book down and getting up without hesitation. "What is it, babe?"
I held the baggie out to her and she nodded, taking it from me before grabbing my hand and pulling me from the room.
"I'm not g-good, Q." I admitted. "Need a dis-distraction."
She looked at her watch.
"Mass is in an hour...let's get dressed...leave a note for B, we can head there early. Pray a little then sit through mass, maybe grab some groceries from the market and I can tell you all about my news."
"News?"
She grinned.
"Yes."
"Okay."
"Hey." She said, leaning in and pressing her lips to my cheek and then wiping away tears that hadn't stopped for an hour now. "You're human, Santana. Things are crazy...shit, they have been and you're healing. Your hormones are still nuts. It's okay to feel like this. I got you...so does B. So list...get dressed...leave a note...meet me outside your room in five minutes. Okay?"
"Okay."
Britt didn't stay long in the kitchen, she grabbed some food for Izzy and then left.
When I brought a plate out to the table for her, there she sat with Daniela in her lap while she made airplane noises for Isaac.
I placed the plate in front of her and reached for the baby who was just leaned against her.
"No baby, it's okay, I got her, take that plate and eat because I'm sure you haven't and didn't make a plate for yourself, am I right?"
"Oh, B...I...uh." She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "Right, n-not a suggestion."
I walked back to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of juice.
"Should we stay in here so you two can talk?" Q asked.
"No. P-Please come out."
Without another word, everyone filled plates and went out into the dining room. I stood there hesitant because she was right I hadn't made a plate but she needed to eat just as much as I did, so I made myself one and then headed out to the dining room.
Everyone was eating but Britt, who had put the baby back in her swing. When she saw me with a plate, she smiled and pulled out the chair next to her while also pulling it a little closer to her.
I sat down and she leaned in, when I turned to look at her she was searching my eyes. I stuck out my chin and tried to smile at her. She seemed satisfied but not happy about whatever my eyes were saying.
"What do you need?" She asked, not caring who heard her.
"Peace." I said and she smiled.
"I have a week off, want to head back to the cabin?"
"Yes." I said and she nodded.
"Eat your breakfast and I'll set it up. Okay?"
She was seeing my needs and I couldn't be more grateful for her in that moment.
Everything hurt and was terrifying.
Sugar said I had a target on me, Carmen had disappeared, and Marco was in jail.
No one could tell me what exactly was going on but since I was the only one in the city...I felt like my life was the easiest to take.
Mine. Britt's...my family...my babies.
Peace was all I needed.
Not just for me but all of them too.
Brittany's POV
It took a whole hour of us being on the road with the kids both in the back seat, for the whole story to come spilling out.
Or at least the parts that she knew.
She was in danger and her instinct was to just be numb.
And I would help however I could.
I had gotten us a bigger cabin this time, one with two bedrooms so the babies could sleep separately from us at night.
She needed me to make her feel okay...or at least to give her some peace and I would do everything I could.
I had packed enough clothes for two weeks, just in case I needed to drop her at Sandra's on the way back to the city...I packed our toys...her books...and plenty of medication for me and Izzy.
The only thing we'd need was food once we got to Lake George.
And we'd grab it on the way in.
The plan was to not leave the house unless we had to for seven whole days.
Hopefully by the time we got back, things would be more settled.
While I hated to do it...there was only one person who would make sure that everything was perfect by the time we got home but I wouldn't be the one to call her.
"You should call your mom, tell her the truth, everything you told me...maybe not the pills because you know how she is but the Marco and Carmen stuff for sure. She's a lawyer and she is super into fixing things."
"Wh-What if she asks wh-where I am?"
"Tell her it's not safe for you to say but that you're okay."
"I can do that."
"Good."
"B?"
"Yes, love?"
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. Thank you." I said back and she smiled.
"You're w-welcome."
"Am I?" I teased.
"I'm so gr-green baby." She said, rubbing her hand on my thigh.
"I don't know...you were yellow a minute ago."
"Now th-that I'm sure that you g-got me, I'm so damn gr-green."
Santana's POV
"D-Did you tell your bosses about Ari?"
"Nope but I am going to check in with her when we get back, to see if she's okay with me talking to them but the way Frank was talking about her and how marketable she would be, I'm sure he'll throw his full support behind her."
"Good. She's is wo-worried about that."
"She should only worry about getting better."
"I'll tell her."
"Thanks, baby. I love your sweet, caring side."
Rolling my eyes at her felt so natural, so playful.
Like the closer we got to the cabin, the more peaceful I felt.
And when we were finally there, I felt even more secure.
Britt had gotten an upgrade and it was just...the prettiest view up on a hill.
You could see if anyone was coming to the house from all sides, it was probably the safest with an alarm system and everything.
She'd thought of my peace in all the ways and when we got the kids to bed, I was SO gonna thank her for that.
I was so tired in the city, so wrapped up in knots and here she was just casually untangling me.
Making me feel less like shit about everything.
"I love you." I said to her as I made dinner for us.
"I love you too, baby and dinner smells amazing."
"You g-got lunch...and tomorrow I expect french to-toast."
"Oh yes! You will definitely have that!"
"What else?" I asked.
"Uh...and fruit, I know how much you love that." She winked.
"Mmm, yeah I do."
That night, on the enclosed porch with the stars twinkling, Britt handed over all the control and let me have my way with her.
She was letting out little moans as I went slow and kept dancing for me...slowly.
I grinned as I bit on her neck just to hear her squeal.
Right then, I still felt off...like my world was in a tailspin but she made me feel like that was okay.
If I fell, she'd catch me just as much as I had been ready to catch her.
Together we would be ok.
This was what always and only meant...that no matter what and who was around...fucking shit up we could turn to each other when we were breaking.
I'd forgotten to be that for her sometimes but after losing Court among so many other things, I knew better.
Being sad wasn't going to kill me if I didn't let it.
Everything was temporary and fleeting, being there in that moment with her shuddering in my lap made me realize that if I had nothing else, I had her.
Tomorrow wasn't promised and I couldn't get lost in the possibilities of bad things, all I could do was love her while I still could.
She was my hope, my home, and my safe space.
"I love you...I love you...I love you." I said each time I kissed her.
And I never meant it more than in that moment under the stars, far away from all the things that made me want to give up.
She came undone and then slid to her knees, preparing to worship me.
Her blue eyes twinkled like the ocean as she grinned at me.
"I love you, Lolli." She grinned and I pulled her head closer.
"Suck."
And she hummed, while humming that song.
It felt light and peaceful...like nothing else but a perfect moment.