A full two days have passed since the sleepover, the calendar now marking the date to be Monday, September 16th. The clock hanging on the hallway wall showed half-past six in the afternoon, so both Maria and Susan were home. The insistent ticking of said clock echoed through the quiet house, slowly driving Susan insane. The events of the sleepover were still fresh on her mind.
'You shouldn't have told them.' The stubborn and anxiety-ridden side of her said. 'They're gonna start treating you differently from now on. They'll consider you broken. You were already the awkwardly antisocial one of the friend group before this, remember? Eventually, they'll just ditch you because they'll get tired of walking on eggshells around you.'
'That's bullcrap!' The confident and rational side countered. 'You saw them today. They all acted the same as they did before they knew your story. Nothing's gonna change just because you told them about your father. If anything, life will get easier! They'll be more understanding!
Susan shook her head to clear it. Arguing with herself wasn't going to get her anywhere. If anything, she would just go completely mad if she kept listening to the imaginary people in her head. She realized she had been pacing around the room and was now standing in front of her mirror.
She only got a mirror in her room recently, after her father left. Her mother was too afraid that he could shatter it and use the glass to hurt her. Though, knowing James Reynolds, that fear was completely reasonable.
Stepping closer, Susan rested her fingers on the cool, reflective surface. She met her own eyes, smiling slightly. Staring at herself in the mirror was almost like looking right at her mother. The two were nearly identical.
Anytime she saw an image of herself, she mentally thanked her mother's genes for winning so many battles. They had the same rounded face, framed by dark brown curls that cascaded down their backs in neat waves. The same long lashes and full lips that most people considered conventionally attractive, but Susan had grown to dislike.
Despite all the similarities, there was one thing that Susan could never replicate, and that was her mother's smile. Maria was the kind of person who could light up the entire room with her smile, although that rarely ever happened unless she and Susan were alone. Maria rarely showed any emotion when other people were around, but she gave the warmest of smiles when she was alone with her daughter.
Of course, their proudest feature of all was their eyes. They were large and expressive, and brown in colour, a particular shade that many would compare to warm melted chocolate. According to something Maria said on a quiet and rainy afternoon a few years ago, Susan's grandmother had the same eyes.
Right underneath Susan's left eye was a small, faded scar. She didn't quite remember how she got it, only that her father had something to do with it. Maria had taught her how to cover it up with concealer to avoid teachers and classmates asking questions.
A similar, though much larger scar ran across her clavicle and was peeking out from under her favorite red sweater. Even more scars and bruises, some big, some small, littered the entirety of her body. A constant reminder of the first fourteen years of her life that he could never rid herself of.
Dad always said that Mum is ugly and that no other man would ever want her, and if Mum is ugly, wouldn't that mean that I'm ugly too?
She finally tore her gaze away from the mirror, suddenly remembering what had been plaguing her for the past two days. She still hasn't confessed to her mother about what she had shared at the sleepover, and the guilt of keeping something secret was eating away at her.
Susan and Maria didn't keep secrets from each other. When you only have each one person to rely on in the entire universe, keeping a secret almost feels like a betrayal. Sure, little fibs here and there are common in any household, but this was different. This was serious. Susan and Maria didn't keep secrets from each other, but they kept a very major one from the rest of the world.
If word got out of what exactly had been going on behind the closed doors of the Reynolds house, Susan would be in danger of getting taken away by child protective services, and there was no way in hell Maria would let that happen. Everyone present at the sleepover had sworn to take the story to their graves, but that didn't stop the young Reynolds girl from worrying.
Sighing heavily, Susan headed for the living room, closing the bedroom door softly behind her.
"Hey, Mum? Can I talk to you? It's really important."
Her mother looked up from her book when she heard Susan's faint footsteps approaching. "Of course, Sunshine. What is it?"
The corners of Susan's mouth upturned at the nickname, worries forgotten for a single moment. She knew the exact reason behind the nickname. With lives as cold, dark, and grey as theirs, a little sunshine was just what they always needed.
The fond memories of the warm afternoons she used to spend listening to endless stories while nestled in her mother's lap faded, as she remembered exactly what she came here to do. She took a deep breath and continued.
"Something happened during that sleepover I had at Marie's..."
"Are you okay?" Maria interrupted. "Did someone hurt you? If someone dared to even lay a finger on you I swear I'll-"
"No, Mum, no one hurt me. I'm okay. What happened is that I- well… I told them about what happened back in June… with Dad."
Color visibly drained from Maria's face. "You- you did what?"
"I told my friends about what happened when Dad found out about the affair," Susan repeated, fidgeting from foot to foot as she waited for her mother to process what she had said. The silence in the room was deafening.
"Why the hell did you do that?" The change in Maria's demeanor was instant, making Susan forget every argument she had prepared. She had rarely seen her mother angry, and even when she did, it was never aimed at her.
"I… guess I thought they deserved to know. They're my friends and-"
"Your friends? You've known them for fifteen days!" Maria bit back a scoff.
"I've known Theo for two years!" Susan shot back. "And okay, I've known them for fifteen days. So what?"
Maria sputtered. "What do you mean 'So what'? You can't just share the most private and intimate details of our lives with people you barely know! What if one of them tells someone else? What if all of them tell someone else? The entire school will know by the end of the week!"
"They're not going to do that! They promised to keep quiet, and they're not going to break that promise. I trust them." The young girl stood her ground. No matter how much she loved her mother, she wasn't about to let her slander the only friends she ever had.
"Wasn't Angelica Hamilton one of the people at the sleepover?" The woman raised an eyebrow.
"Angie." Susan corrected. "She hates being called Angelica."
"Whatever. Did you even think before you told her? You know how the Hamiltons are, they can't keep their mouths shut to save their lives! She could be in her father's study right now, passing everything onto him. And what's stopping Alexander Hamilton from writing another pamphlet about me? About how awful of a mother I am because I couldn't even protect my own child! Next thing you know, CPS will be knocking on our door, you'll be taken away, and I'll be in so much legal trouble!"
Susan cut in when Maria paused to take a breath, the crack in her voice almost unnoticeable. "Why would you get in trouble? It's not like you were the one who threw bottles at my head for the past fourteen years."
"Did you know that not reporting child abuse counts as being an accessory to the crime? They'd throw me behind bars because I never told a soul about what James was doing!" Somehow, Maria managed to keep a level tone, almost like some subconscious part of her knew that yelling at her daughter would only make it worse. She had never yelled at Susan a single time throughout her life, and she wasn't about to start now. Despite that, the sheer brashness in her words was enough to hurt the teenage girl. "And they wouldn't listen if I tried to tell them about how he threatened to slit your throat open if I ever said anything. But you didn't think of that, did you? Because you never think about anything that comes out of your mouth!"
"Mum, I'm sorry, just let me explain-"
"You never even considered how your carelessness could affect us! Our entire lives, as we know them, could be over tomorrow, and it will all be because of you!"
Instinctively taking a step back, Susan wrapped her arms around herself and gazed at her mother with fearful eyes. "You're starting to sound like Dad!"
Maria flinched. "W-what?"
"He- he always said that I was to blame for everything he did to us. I only told my friends about him because I was tired of hiding it for so long. I wanted to have more people I could rely on, besides you and Theo and Mr. Burr. I thought you'd understand, but you didn't even let me get a word in!"
Maria's eyes widened as everything she had said replayed in her head. She never meant to sound like James. She despised the idea of sounding like James. And yet, amid her fit of anger, that was exactly what she did.
"I should have let you explain…" She mumbled. Her eyes looked almost glazed over as she stared at something invisible behind her daughter, seemingly lost in some distant memory of her past. Susan took it as her cue to leave, the slamming of her bedroom door being the sound that brought Maria out of her stupor.
Later that night, Susan was curled up in her bed. The argument she had with her mother was weighing heavily on her mind, preventing her from falling asleep. The stuffy air of the room didn't help. The weather was still relatively warm, so she couldn't open the window unless she wanted a mosquito infestation, and she doubted that would help her sleep better.
Groaning in frustration, Susan swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. At this rate, she was more likely to suffocate in the comforter than fall asleep, so she set a course for the kitchen to get a glass of water. Sure, it wouldn't lift the guilt she felt for making her mother angry off her shoulders, but at least it would help her deal with the unbearable temperature of the room.
She moved silently through the hallway, being careful to avoid the creaky floorboards. Over the years, she had learned how to expertly navigate her way through the dark house without making a sound. James Reynolds hated it when she was awake later than she should have been, and he made that very clear when she was around eight or nine years old. She subconsciously rubbed at her arm as she remembered the one time he had caught her. Of course, her father wasn't around anymore, but that didn't stop her from being paranoid.
She paused outside of her mother's door, everything said earlier that day echoing in her mind. Her heart was telling her to go in and apologize. At the same time, her brain was practically shouting that it was very late at night and she should leave it be until the morning. Knowing her mother, the same thoughts were likely to be plaguing her as well.
Susan sighed. Maybe her brain was right. She should leave it until the morning when she can address the issue with a clear head. Just as she turned to leave, she heard the faint, low creaks of her mother's bed, followed by an almost unnoticeable rustling of the sheets and what sounded like a pained whimper. There's no way Maria would have been awake at this time, seeing as she always treasured every hour of sleep she could get. Unless, of course…
Abandoning her quest for water, Susan confidently twisted the doorknob. Just as she opened the door, her mother sat up abruptly in bed, panting heavily. The moonlight streaming through a window across the room reflected off the beads of sweat collecting at the neckline of her nightgown, giving her almost an ethereal glow.
"Susan?" Maria spoke in a raspy voice, locking eyes with her daughter. Her chest rose and fell rapidly as she struggled to catch her breath. "You should be asleep."
"So should you." Susan looked over the scene in front of her. Her mother certainly seemed shaken up, fitting right in with the messed up bedspread. The sheets were bunched up underneath her hands, nearly all of the pillows were strewn around on the ground, and the blanket was barely even on the bed, most of it laying in a messy pile on the floor. "Did you have another one of your nightmares?"
"Yes, I did, but it's not important. I'm fine. Go back to bed." Maria's arms, which she was propping herself up on, gave out, making her drop back down.
"You don't seem fine." The young girl persisted, closing the door behind her as she walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. She reached over and took her mother's hand. "Was it about Dad and the Reynolds Pamphlet?"
Maria shook her head. "It wasn't… but that's what we need to talk about."
Susan cringed inwardly at the reminder. "We could talk about it in the morning instead…"
"No. If I put it off now, I might never find the right words again. So please, just hear me out." Upon receiving a nod, she continued. "I should have let you explain why you did it, and I didn't. I didn't even attempt to hear your side of the story. I was just so… lost… and angry… after you confessed that you told your friends about what happened, that I didn't realize what I was doing or saying. I'm sorry, sweetheart, I really am."
"It's okay, I don't blame you. I understand, what I did was really stupid and it could ruin our lives. You're right, I should think about what I'm saying before it comes out of my mouth. I- Mum? Are you okay?"
Maria's eyes were glistening with unshed tears. She tried desperately to wipe them away with her free hand, eventually giving up and letting them fall. "I'm such a hypocrite!"
Susan's eyebrows creased. "What are you- Is this about the nightmare you had?"
The woman let out a small, affirmative hum. She turned away from her daughter. She hated to cry in front of her, especially since she was supposed to be the strong one "I should have listened to you. I should have allowed you to tell your side of the story. Th...they didn't listen to me either. They never even let me get a word in! I promised myself I would never become like them- I promised!"
"Who's they?" Susan asked in a quiet voice, hoping that she wouldn't trigger her mother's tear flow any further.
Her hopes fell flat as a new wave of tears hit Maria. "My- my mum and dad..."
Oh. Oh.
"Was your nightmare about the day you got disowned?"
Maria could only nod as her thin and frail body began to rack with sobs, leaving Susan with nothing to do other than hug her mother tightly from behind, careful not to touch any old scars and hurt her.
Well, at least not hurt her more than she already had by reopening that emotional wound, which had been carefully sealed away for fourteen years, and Maria was bent on making sure it remained that way forever. Of course, that didn't last because Susan just had to go and cut it open again.
After a few minutes, Maria's cries seemed to have subsided. She quieted down, though her tense shoulders gave away that she was far from falling asleep. Susan tapped her mother lightly on the arm and waited until the woman shifted under her touch, letting her know that she had her full attention.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
"No. I don't want to trouble you with this. Go back to bed." Maria replied. It all made sense, of course, Susan had to inherit her stubbornness from somewhere.
"I'm trying to help you. You have work in a few hours, and if you don't fall asleep soon, you'll be exhausted all day." Susan dug through her memories, trying to remember what either Maria or Theo did when she was woken up by nightmares. "You know, back when we lived with the Burrs, I would have nightmares about what happened because of the pamphlet. A lot of nightmares. And every time I had one, Theo would insist I tell her about it. She wouldn't go to bed until I did. She said that telling someone about it helps it stop feeling so real. Please, Mum, tell me. You'll feel better if you get it off your chest, I promise."
"Do- do I have to?" Susan nodded firmly. Maria let out a shaky breath but complied. "Okay. You've probably guessed by now, but it's not a happy story. Are you sure you want to hear it?"
The young girl took her mother's hands into her own, rubbing small circles on the backs of them with her thumbs. "I'm sure. A hundred percent. Go on."
"I don't even know where to start…"
"Pretend like you're telling a story," Susan suggested. "Set the scene and go from there."
"Sounds like you're an expert in this." Maria almost laughed before her face turned serious again. "I remember it like it was yesterday. It was Christmas Eve, and all of my full siblings were visiting for the holidays. I was feeling really sick that day, and even though I was scared to even consider something like that, I think part of me knew I was pregnant. Sara, one of my sisters, decided to humour me and secretly snuck me a pregnancy test…"
"P...positive."
Sara choked on whatever was in her mug, most likely alcohol, seeing as she had turned twenty one that year. "What?"
"It's positive."
"Let me see that!" The older girl grabbed the test out of her sister's hands. Sure enough, the two life-changing red lines were clearly visible on the small white stick. "Please tell me you're joking. You drew that second line on, didn't you?"
Maria could only shake her head. It felt like the world was burning and crashing down around her. She was sixteen. She was only sixteen!
Sighing, Sara took another swig of her alcohol. "Two questions; who and when? Wait, don't answer that first one. I know who. You'd have to be messed up in the head to cheat on James Reynolds. So, when did you even manage to do it?"
"A month ago," Maria responded in a quiet voice. "Remember, when all of you were going to visit Lewis, Alida, and their kids and I stayed home because I had a lot of homework to do?"
"So what you're trying to tell me is that you lied so you could stay home and smooch around with your boyfriend?" Sara didn't sound angry, but there was a tone of accusation in her voice as if she had never snuck anyone over when she was a teenager.
"I didn't lie! I actually had a whole pile of stuff I needed to work on. That's why I invited him over in the first place. He promised to help me out with any homework I didn't understand, and I didn't even realize when it escalated before it was too late…"
Sara set her mug and the test down on the bedside table a little too forcefully. "You have to tell Mum and Dad now."
"What? No! I can't!" Maria exclaimed.
"So what are you planning to do then?" The older sister sat down on the bed.
"...Keep it a secret?"
"Yeah, right. And for how long is that gonna work, hm? It's only gonna be a few months before you'll grow too big and won't be able to hide the baby bump anymore. And even if you do manage to hide the entire pregnancy, what are you gonna do afterwards?" Sara scoffed and rolled her eyes, putting on a high pitched voice meant to imitate her sister's. "'Mum has eleven children already, she probably won't notice another extra one running around!' You know, claiming your kid is your baby sibling only works when the person you're spreading your bullshit to isn't your own mother!"
"But I can't just tell them…"
"Look, either you tell them, or I'll tell them for you, and I'm sure they'll react better if they hear it from you." Sara extended a hand to Maria. "Come on, let's just get it over with."
After a moment of hesitation, Maria took her sister's hand, grabbing the test stick off the bedside table, and letting herself be led into the living room.
Susan scrunched up her nose. "Your sister doesn't sound very nice."
"Sara was always a little rough around the edges, but honestly? She's a complete sweetheart once you get past that." Maria gave her daughter a melancholy smile. "If my sister's reaction sounded bad to you, just wait until you hear what my parents had to say. If my dream ended right there, it probably wouldn't have turned into a nightmare…"
"Mum, Dad, Maria here has something to show you." Sara looked pointedly at her sister, who was practically hiding behind her. She nudged Maria forward, almost making her lose her balance.
With shaky hands, Maria placed the test on the coffee table and slid it over. Her father, Richard Lewis, tore his gaze away from the TV, his eyes widening once he noticed the white stick on the table.
"What is this?"
"A- a pregnancy test." Maria stuttered out.
She saw the cogs turning in her mother, Susanna Vanderburgh's, head. Shock crossed the older woman's face as she put two and two together, disbelief soon following. "Maria, please tell me it's not yours."
"It better not be," Richard added. "Sara, is it yours? Did you finally get a boy in your life?"
Sara laughed nervously. "Not gonna happen, Dad."
"Susanna?" Her mother looked over at the woman sitting in a nearby armchair. "Are we expecting another grandchild from you?"
Susanna Junior, Maria's oldest full sister, shook her head, confused. "God, no. The boys are way too much trouble already."
Richard rubbed his temples and let out a long, suffering sigh. "I can't believe this. You're sixteen, Maria! What were you thinking?"
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean for it to-"
"We taught you to be better than this!" Susanna Senior interrupted, her voice tinted with disappointment. She grabbed the remote control and turned off the TV. It was as if she didn't hear her daughter's poor attempts at an apology.
"I know, and I'm sorry, but please, just let me explain-"
This time, her words were cut off by a sharp slap delivered to her cheek. She didn't even notice when her father had stood up from the couch and moved close enough to hit her. Tears sprang in her eyes as she recoiled from the hit. Her father had never hurt her before. He had never hurt her mother or her siblings before either. Richard Lewis was a kind, loving father who vowed to always protect his family. But now, he was replaced by an enraged version of his former self.
"I always did everything for you. I got you everything you ever asked for, and this is how you repay me? By spreading your legs and tarnishing the family name? Have you even thought about what's going to happen once people find out?"
"Dad, please…"
"A whore like you could never be a daughter of mine." Her father's words cut her deeply as she tried and failed to hold back tears. Her knees buckled under her and she fell to the ground, flinching as another barrage of hate was thrown her way.
Whore. Slut. Bitch. Harlot. Disgrace.
"Stop crying, goddamnit, get up!" Richard lifted her roughly by the arm, making her bite back a whimper of pain. She looked pathetic, shaking like an autumn leaf and desperately trying to apologize. She kept her red, teary eyes trained on the floor, but still spotted her siblings out of the corner of her vision.
Susanna Junior was still sitting in her armchair, glaring at Maria in disgust. The same Susanna who used to read her bedtime stories and sneak her biscuits from the kitchen was now looking at her like she was the scum of the earth. Sara was on the couch, next to their mother. Unlike their oldest sister, Sara had a sympathetic gleam in her eye and looked like she wanted to stand up for her, but their mother's grip on her hand prevented her from doing so. Thomas and James, her older brothers, refused to even look at her.
Worst of all was the look on her mother's face. It was like Susanna Senior was looking at a drug-addicted hooker on the corner of the street rather than at her own daughter. If looks could kill, the teenaged girl would be dead ten times over. Oh, how Maria wished to die right then and there, just so she wouldn't have to endure her mother sneering at her with disdain.
All because she didn't know the full story. None of them knew the full story because they never gave her a single chance to explain what really happened.
To explain how James Reynolds had taken advantage of her.
She was pulled out of her reverie by her father, who grabbed her by the chin and forced her to look at him. His eyes, once so full of light and love for his children, were now filled with hatred. Once he spoke, his voice was laced with loathing and repulsion.
"I want you out of here."
It seemed like the world had come to stop. Time itself slowed down as she gained an understanding of what her father had just said. For a moment, she had forgotten how to breathe, only succeeding in mumbling out a meek "What?"
"I said, I want you out of here." Richard spat through gritted teeth. "I shall not have a slut like you living under my roof!"
The next two minutes or so after that were a blur. She didn't register anything going on until the door was firmly locked behind her, leaving her outside in the freezing winter night with nothing but the clothes on her back.
She didn't know how long she sat on the front porch, hoping that her father would calm down and let back inside. And, if he stuck by his decision to kick her out, where would she even go? Her five half-siblings from Susanna Senior's side, all over twenty years older than her, lived way too far away. Plus, they had their own families to take care of. Most 24-hour establishments were closed due to the holidays, and she knew what often happened to young girls in homeless shelters.
The same thing that happened to her in the comfort of her own room. The same thing that led to her getting disowned.
Eventually, all lights inside the house had been turned off, indicating that everyone had gone to bed. Indicating that they were all okay with leaving her at the mercy of the December cold. Rubbing her hands together in a poor attempt to warm them up, she lifted herself off the porch and walked down the driveway. Once she reached the street, she turned around to look at the only home she had ever known for what she hoped wasn't the last time.
Hope reignited in her heart when she noticed that one of the windows on the second floor was open, and her only younger sibling, Elizabeth, was looking at her. She wasn't in the living room when the argument happened, but she had heard everything.
"Bessie?" Maria called out, her throat sore from all the crying. She could make out Bessie biting her bottom lip in thought and looking conflicted whether to talk to her sister or to follow whatever their father must have told her. And, for a little while, it looked like she was going to choose the former.
But, of course, Bessie was only fourteen. She hasn't hit her rebellious phase yet and still followed what their parents told her without asking questions. The latter won out, and Bessie, albeit with a somber expression, closed her window and drew the blinds.
The cold snow nipping at her skin was nothing in comparison to the blood-chilling realization that her entire family had turned against her. She was left completely alone. She lost her family and her home in the span of one evening, all while being only sixteen years old. With her remaining relatives too far away and anywhere else closed, she only had a single place left to go if she didn't want to die of hypothermia in her parents' driveway.
Begrudgingly, she turned away from the house and started down the road on the long trek to the last person she wanted to see. The person who was nearly entirely responsible for the mess she was stuck in. The person who had sexually assaulted her a mere month ago. The person who she despised with her entire being, but was too terrified to break up with. But it was only for a few days, right? Only until her parents cooled off and took her back, right?
Little did Maria know, she would be trapped with James Reynolds for another fourteen years.
Susan blinked a few times as she turned the information over in her head. This was the most Maria had ever said about her parents, and the first time she had ever mentioned her siblings by name.
"Honestly, I wish my nightmare could have been about the Reynolds Pamphlet." Maria almost relaxed until a sudden realization hit her out of nowhere. "The Reynolds Pamphlet! They would have read the Reynolds Pamphlet! And… and I guess that just proves my father right. I'm just a slut. A whore who's unworthy of being part of his family. He was right all along."
"Mum, I'm sure that-"
"You don't understand! If they read the pamphlet, and everyone has read that goddamn pamphlet, then that means they all know what I did last summer! And they just hate me even more!"
She collapsed in her daughter's arms, once again crying her poor, broken heart out. Susan held her close, running her fingers through her hair and humming an old song, the name of which she couldn't quite recall.
After what seemed like an eternity, Maria's wave of tears had finally run out. She looked positively exhausted from crying and recounting her trauma and was minutes away from falling asleep.
"Do you feel any better now that you let it out?" The teenager asked.
"A little, yeah." Her mother managed a tired smile. "Thank you."
Reaching over, Susan picked up a pillow that had fallen on the floor and lied down next to Maria. The woman wrapped her arms around her daughter, resting her chin on the girl's head.
"Mum?" Susan spoke up as she nuzzled closer into the embrace. "I'm sorry for ruining your life."
Maria's serene expression hardened. "Don't you even dare say that ever again! You didn't ruin my life, you made it better. You were the only thing that kept me going all these years. So what if I got disowned because I got pregnant with you? That wasn't your fault. Your father is the only one to blame for what happened, remember that, okay?"
"Okay. Oh, and another thing? If you could go back in time and change what happened that evening, would you?"
"No," Maria answered without hesitation. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and if I had to get disowned just so I could have my little Sunshine in my life, then so be it. I love you more than anyone else in this whole wide world, and I would never change a darn thing."