A/N: This story veered wildly from the original and I have been searching for the point to morph the old with the new. What's coming up is heavy and is more of the original than not. I wanted to skip these things but they push the story...the ending of this story is predicated on the shit storm of these next few chapters.
An Extra long Multi-POV...cuz I have to. ;)-NR
Chapter 36: Oh No (Bring The Horizon)
Rachel's POV
When had everything in my life changed for the worse?
At what point had my life plan flown so far off it's axis that I was sitting here drunk at 10 am after a naked walk of shame.
This was not who Rachel Berry was supposed to be.
I was ashamed to show my face back in Lima and to the people that I knew from there who seemed to not want to see my face anyway. I had burned bridges before I even completely settled into New York.
The world outside of Mr. Schue's choir room wasn't that safe for someone with a dream formulated in childhood. No one told me how the city can suck you in and tear apart your soul.
I was naïve back then but now, now I know better!
It was a Sunday morning and I was being called in to see Madam Tibideaux, herself, so I could redo a performance I had drunkenly slept through.
Sonny, my flavor of the month boyfriend, who attended NYU and was a severe pothead, woke me up by pressing his hard-on against my leg. I shoved him off of me and then asked him to drive me back to my dorm but he didn't.
He never did.
It made me long for someone that cared.
Like Q.
She had always been so caring and would never let me walk the ten blocks alone.
Had my judgment always been this bad?
U left ur bra...pck it up after?-Sonny
I growled in frustration as I stormed into my dorm room and slammed the door shut. I picked up my bottle of Schnapps from the floor and drank it straight. I felt the tears pricking my eyes as I thought of the better days at McKinley. I poured the liquor in the cup and then gulped down as much as I could at one time. The cup was empty in seconds. I sat against the edge of my desk and finished off the bottle of schnapps and was eying a half empty bottle of rum when my phone buzzed again.
Can I call you?-Quinn
Yes.-Rachel
No sooner had I typed out the message when my phone began to ring.
A picture of Q with pink hair and a lollipop in her mouth, came across the screen. I had snapped it way back when she was imploding because even though I wanted her back in glee club, I still thought she looked hot.
I remember wanting to be that lollipop...so much so that when she fell for Celia, I would let her fuck me just to be able to have those lips on me.
God, I missed her.
I regretted not fighting harder for her.
"Rach?" It was the first time that I heard Q sound excited in a while.
"Yes?" I slurred onto the phone.
"Ugh...Rachel, are you drunk?" she said softly.
"Almost!" I laughed into the phone.
"I really need to talk to you...when you're sober." she sounded so disappointed and that stung.
"Why, did I do something wrong?" My words were slightly slurred but they were clearer.
"Other than being drunk at 10am...just like my father, you are better than this. Look, just call me later...promise me."
"I promise."
"Okay...and Rachel?"
"Yea?"
"Try and go easy on the alcohol...okay?"
"Okay."
"I mean it...I really care about you!"
"You used to love me." I felt the tears coming down.
"I still love you. Just from a distance like we agreed."
"Like you agreed."
"Ugh...just call me later. Bye."
"In my office!" she bellowed from her director's chair. I stood there in shock before jumping from the stage and running up the aisle.
Madam Tibideaux hated to be kept waiting.
The hallway was crowded with overachievers taking extra Sunday courses to boost their station. Something that I had stupidly opted out of doing. They were supposed to be optional classes and because I already thought that I was exceptional, I didn't think that I needed them.
What I didn't know and apparently everyone else did was that by optional, they had meant that it was expected.
No one talked to me now, even my roommate had decided to move out of the room.
Madam Tibideaux was not pleased as I stepped into her office. The room was smoky and dim, only lit with with a Tiffany's lamp on the desktop.
"Shut the door." she said curtly.
I quickly shut the door and regretted not stopping to take a drink from my flask before coming into her office. I was completely sober for the first time in months and it was terrifying to be like that in front of my personal bogeyman.
My legs were shaking and because it was like an unwritten rule that you didn't sit in the leather wing-back chairs unless you were expressly invited, I remained standing.
"I did my best Madam." I said as I bowed my head and looked in her direction with lowered eyes.
"Not good enough...that was by far the most predictable performance that you have done to date. You lack originality and frankly, I'm sick of looking at you. Another person was rejected just so that you could be the runt in my inaugural class. I don't appreciate having my time wasted Ms. Berry. I just don't think that you want this as badly as you profess."
She sniffed with disdain and crossed her hands over a file that sat atop of her desk. I could see that my name was on the tab. My palms began to sweat as I looked up at her in fear.
"I-I can try again Madam...I swear it. I just need...please...can I just have one more chance to prove it to you?"
I was feeling desperate as I pleaded with the meanest and most cold-hearted person that I had ever met.
She was glaring at me and then a smile crossed her face.
"Let's make a deal."
"Anything." I said as I looked her in the eyes.
"You have one week to come back to that stage and perform in front of me and a class of your peers. If you perform below standard, then you will immediately be required to take an academic leave from my class and from this school. This is your final chance."
"Okay. Thank you Madam Tibideaux," I went to open the door but she slammed her hand down on her desk.
I jumped and nearly pissed myself.
"You see...that's your problem! Did I dismiss you? Did I tell you that I was finished speaking?" she said as she leaned forward over her desk. She was visibly shaking with rage.
I shook my head. "No Madam T-t—" I stuttered.
"You had so much potential when I saw you at Nationals Rachel. The problem with potential is that it's just that...it's not a guarantee. You thought that you would come here and everyone would fall over themselves because you have a great voice but I can find that on any corner in Brooklyn, I need more than that! You may have been a big fish where you came from, making everyone else seem inferior next to you but so is everyone else in your class. They were the best of the best. Many of them better than you! You have the talent but you lack the intestinal fortitude, the humility, and the grace that it takes to make it into a career with any shot of longevity! You have a week! Otherwise I expect that you will be finding somewhere else to continue your studies!"
I was fighting back the tears as she read my soul.
She was right...I wasn't cut out for this, so why try.
"Yes ma'am." I whispered.
"Why are you still here? Get out!" she barked as she tossed my folder to the side and picked up her phone.
I nodded and then quickly left the room.
I felt so alone.
So lost and so fucking screwed.
How could I tell my dads that I had failed?
I couldn't go back to Lima as a loser.
I stormed into a private handicapped bathroom and locked the door before I broke down.
My hands were shaking and my mascara was running tracks down my cheeks.
This was all wrong.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
I dug through my purse until I felt the cool metal of my emergency flask.
This was definitely an emergency.
I flipped the top off and then brought it to my lips.
The burning of the liquid as it hit the back of my throat made me thankful that I lacked a gag reflex. I quickly emptied the remainder of the harsh liquor and then tossed the flask back into my purse.
My lip was numb as I wet my face with the ice cold water.
Whatever Sonny had put in there was super strong because my whole equilibrium was off as I stumbled into the hallway. I heard the door to Madam Tibideaux's office open and usually I am fast enough to hide but with my senses impaired I froze and tried to blend in with the wall.
She turned towards me and looked me in the eye.
"Drunk already?" she said coldly.
I shook my head as the tears left my eyes and poured endlessly down my cheeks.
"I rescind the offer...I'm dropping you from my classes. Your time at NYADA has come to an end. You have the remainder of the month to clear your things from your dorm room so that a more deserving student can live there."
She stormed back into her office and slammed the door.
I slid down against the wall and cried with my face pressed against my knees.
Being ignored as I sat on that hallway floor made me long for the days of being slushied. At least then people were paying some kind of attention to me but here I was invisible.
"Rachel?" I lifted my head and there stood Kurt holding his hand out to me.
"What are you doing here?" I said as I wiped my tears on my sleeve.
"Come on let's get you out of here." he said as he put out his second hand.
I took his hands and pulled myself to my feet. I clutched my purse tight to my side and stood there looking at him with blurred vision...not quite sure if it was the booze or the tears.
"Why are you here KURT, did she call you to replace me?"
"Can I take you home?"
I shook my head and looked down at my hands.
"I will just go back to Columbia with you and I'll have Sonny come get me."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes please." I squeaked out.
When we got to Columbia, I pretended to get a text and told him that it was Sonny. He cleaned up my face and straightened my clothes before walking me to the elevator.
"We're worried about you Rachel." he said to me finally.
"We who?" I was irate. "No one gives a damn about me!"
"Quinn does."
"That's why I got kicked out of Quinn's house last week? Some kind of worry!"
I stepped into the elevator but Kurt stood in between the doors so that it wouldn't move.
"I know that Sonny isn't downstairs...so where are you going?"
"To see him."
"Why? You're gay." he said as if it was the easiest thing in the world.
I sighed and pressed my fingers to my temples.
"I'm bi. What's with the erasure? Besides right now, guys are just easier. Women they get under your skin and chip away at your heart a little at a time so it's not noticeable and then you realize one day that your heart is shattered. Guys break it all at once or not at all. It's just easier."
"I'm going to walk you over there."
"That won't be necessary."
"Maybe you don't think so but I definitely do. We are like family, I can't let you go and walk the streets of New York in your state."
"I'm sober."
"If you are then you'll be rational and let me walk you to NYU."
"Fine."
I pushed Sonny's door open and he was sprawled out on the floor trying to glue a model bridge together. He was a bit of a pothead but was insanely serious when it came to getting his degree in architecture. He looked up at me and pushed his glasses up until they sat in his short red hair.
"What happened?" he sighed as he stood to his feet. I looked up at him and shrugged. "You need something?" he asked as he headed to the trunk at the end of his bed.
"I need to be numb." I whispered.
He nodded and lifted the lid of the trunk. I pulled off my sweater and slid out of my skirt and shoes.
I found that when I took off my own clothes it was easier to locate them in the morning. In nothing but my panties I climbed up on his big bed and sat there with his down comforter wrapped around me.
He brought over two mugs of pure liquor and then grabbed the guava nectar from the fridge and poured it into my cup.
I took the mug and then proceeded to gulp down it's contents while Sonny took small sips.
"Whoa! Rachel...slow down baby." he said, trying to appear concerned.
"Fuck you, give me another." I said as I held the empty mug out to him.
"I don't know if that a good idea."
"Keep your opinion to yourself or you can use your hand tonight."
He moved quickly as he poured more rum into my cup and turned to grab the juice and when his back was turned, I emptied the mug. He cut me off after that which was fine because I had achieved my purpose.
I was blitzed!
I woke up a while later with Sonny inside of me, kissing my face and professing his love for me.
"Get off!" I yelled.
He looked up at me in shock but quickly pulled away from me as sat back on his knees.
"That's the sixth time this week!" he said in frustration.
"Get out!" I yelled as I clamped my hands over my ears.
"It's my room...you get out!" he said as he grabbed my arm and yanked me from the bed.
I stumbled to my feet and nearly fell over. I steadied myself and began to search for my stuff. It was right where I left it in a nice neat pile by the door. It took me ages to get my clothes on right. My panties were a lost cause as Sonny held the door open for me. I looked up at him and he looked away.
"This is it Rachel. I'm sick of you and your shit. Don't come back here."
I stepped into the hallway and the door immediately slammed behind me. It was still snowing and since I had on a skirt with no undergarments on, it was ten times colder.
When I got back to my dorm, I found my stuff on the floor in the hallway. There was a note on my door.
Ms. Berry,
You have been evicted, effective immediately due to the state of your quarters and your previous dismissal from NYADA, you are required to leave the residence within 24 hours. If you do not do so or cause a scene you will be escorted from the premises. You have until Monday evening to leave campus at which point your key card will be deactivated.
I hope that you find greener pastures.
Best of luck to you,
Madam Tibideaux.
I was enraged! I tried to open the door but the lock had already been changed. I looked down at my stuff and saw that everything was there.
There was nothing left in the room. I tried to assemble it the best that I could while trying not to cry.
I was homeless.
Santana's POV
After six days, we'd learned how to capitalize on quiet moments when the kids were asleep. It was early Saturday, I'd just put the baby down after feeding her and since Isaac had gone down with a treatment the night before, we were certain he'd sleep for longer than usual.
We were supposed to be heading back to the city that afternoon so that Britt could have Sunday to relax before starting a six day workweek on Monday. So Britt had stopped me before I climbed back in bed and pulled me into the shower.
She had let me have her all week but each time she'd try to do anything to me, I'd brush her off but this was our last day here and I should have known she wasn't going to let me go without her fucking me.
I didn't push her away this time, she had strapped up and was lifting my legs around her waist. She nailed me against the wall, fucking me hard and soft, alternating her strokes.
Her eyes were staring into mine and I couldn't look away.
For six days we'd avoided her questioning me on the Oxy...for six days I'd been on edge about it.
But as she fucked me into submission, she finally spoke.
"How deep are you with these pills, Ana?"
I was panting as she fucked me, not able to form words so she went even slower as she held me there.
"I haven't st-stopped." I admitted.
Sure I had given Quinn my stash with fully good intentions but then later when I discovered another, I wasn't strong enough to pass it up, it wasn't my intention to have another...well actually, Britt did. She'd stopped taking her pills from being shot, after they counteracted with her Lithium.
I had found them while packing.
And each day this week, I had taken one...crushed up...snorting it when she left me in moments of peace.
Her eyes shone with disappointment.
"Do I need to get other people involved?" She asked stroking hard into me. "Do I need to give you an ultimatum? You shouldn't be breastfeeding...I don't care if they say one pill a day is okay, I don't believe them."
"I can stop." I said, no longer even needing them because my pain was so minimal these days.
"Can you?"
"Yes."
"Then do it, starting today you're done."
"But B...I al-already."
She looked stunned.
"It's 6am."
"I know."
She pulled out of me just as I was cresting towards an orgasm and I felt like crying. I thought she'd leave me hanging but instead after she stepped back she said in the coldest voice, "Turn around, I'm finding it hard to look at you right now."
"B...I'm sorry." I said to her, trying to make her see it wasn't that deep. I wasn't strung out. I was coherent...she hadn't even suspected it but her eyes were cold.
"Turn. Around." She said, stroking the strap like it was a real dick and I shuddered when I saw it. I turned around and she lifted my leg until my foot was resting on the edge of the tub. Then she pulled my hips back onto that monster strap and I tried to find something to hold onto.
"Fuck." I whimpered. Moving my hand between my legs but she slapped my hand away.
"Hands on the wall, don't touch yourself."
"Okay."
Then she began to pound into me, just like last week when I was teetering and she'd fucked me into oblivion, she was putting in work. She was grunting as she fucked me through two orgasms.
As I was on my way to a third, she slapped my ass and I went still.
"Y-Yellow." I said and she hit me again...softer.
"I need you to feel...that's what this is. You can't numb yourself from the the shit in our lives because eventually, those things will be your babies. You made me promise to keep you from them if you started to get like your dad."
I was crying now and nodded, "Okay...an-another." I said and she slapped my ass again, setting a rhythm with her thrusts.
"Color?" She said after my ass began to sting.
"Gr-Green." I admitted and she went harder until my legs gave out as I came so hard it knocked me off my feet. "B!"
She was on her knees behind me now, the water from the shower soaking our bodies but she just continued. The water seemed to dull the sting of her slaps as I pushed my ass back towards her. Taking all of her frustration, her hurt, and disappointments.
This was the least that I could give.
Hey sis, can we do Sunday dinner at yours this week? Getting fumigated and could use a place to sleep tonight.-Sandra
My ass was super sore as we made our way towards home. We were still two hours out and Britt's mood hadn't really improved. She was still sweet, still touching me but the disappointment hadn't left her demeanor.
"Are we okay if San-Sandra comes tonight to stay over? Sh-She wants to do Sunday dinner at ours."
"That's fine, might want to give Q a heads up."
I nodded and forwarded Sandra's text Q.
I know, she's already here.-Q
Oh, are you cool with that?-San
Used to it.-Q
So that's a no?-San
It's fine. Are you okay with it?-Q
Britt is pissed at me. Took her pills.-San
Shit. I thought you were ok?-Q
I am.-San
You're not.-Q
I'm not. I know.-San
A 3rd stint in rehab prob isn't what you want, might be what you need-Q
I know.-San
Be safe and I'll see you soon. Going to send your sisters to buy food while I clean-Q
Thanks!-San
"Everything okay?" Britt asked as she turned into a rest stop.
"I t-told her."
"You did? Why?"
"Feel like I lied. G-Gave her my last st-stash before we l-left."
"And had to admit that you had more? I'm sure she's not happy with you right now."
"She's not."
Once we were parked she turned towards me and waited for me to look at her.
She tucked her finger under my chin.
"I think it would be good if you weren't alone with Dani for a bit."
"Why?"
"You could drop her and I don't want things to get bad. Izzy can at least stand on his own."
"B...th-this isn't necessary."
"I made a promise and I plan to keep it. If I still had my place, I'd probably just take them both and let you figure stuff out but I made vows. I'm going to be by your side through this."
"For how long?"
"Well we can get formula and start feeding that to her, your breastmilk is tainted...I don't think you should keep feeding her liquid pills."
"Th-That's not what I'm doing."
"Did you ever notice how quiet she is, how she doesn't respond like she's awake. I think you need to stop. She has her two month appointment soon and if she has high levels of that in her system, we will have a bigger problem."
It was like the bottom had dropped out.
When we got home, I went straight upstairs, took a benadryl before Britt could stop me and passed out. If she didn't really want me around the kids then fuck it, I'd sleep.
Let her worry about things, my sisters and Q were here, what use did she have for me?
I kept trying to steer my dreams to that dark place where I floated effortlessly but instead, I was stuck in a nightmare spiral. My bad memories were compounding on me. My summer in New York with Marco and Mr. Evans, standing by while Marco buried an actual body in the Adirondacks. We'd driven hours with me in the backseat with a body.
That had been what I was avoiding, if Marco was telling me to lawyer up...a call that I hadn't told Britt or anyone else about, and if Carmen was fleeing the country...then it was out there.
Someone knew and it felt like there was only a matter of time before I was on the list.
Nico wasn't here to protect me this time.
Marco was locked up and I was a sitting duck with a wife who professed to trust me but wouldn't let me be alone in a room with my newborn.
In all of that though, I felt numb.
And that was what was important to me.
Fuck the world...I was finally getting some sleep.
When I woke up it took me a few moments to realize where I was. I'd gone to sleep in all of my clothes in my bedroom on the second floor and was waking up in a cold sweat in the guest room on the first floor in my pajamas.
My head felt groggy as I sat there, my clothes damp and my body shaking.
I was coming down and crashing hard.
How long had I slept?
I looked for my phone but there was nothing and no one in there with me.
The sun looked like it was in the same position as it was when I passed out. Had Britt seen me asleep and brought me downstairs so I wasn't alone?
My boobs ached and were rock hard as I just sat there stuck, confused about everything. I sat there, zoned out for a while and then I heard laughter coming from the other side of the door.
Was my family here?
Was it Sunday?
I brushed my hair back with my fingers and put it up in a high ponytail hoping that it would help to relax me but instead my body was on edge and the tears wouldn't stop. I laid back against the pillows in frustration and cried harder than I ever had before.
The quake of withdrawal hit me hard and I knew then that Britt had been right, Quinn had been on the nose, I was too far gone.
It wasn't even hot in the room but I was sweating buckets and then came what I was dreading, the nausea punching me in the gut. I stumbled from the bed feeling like Bambi as I tried to find my footing.
Once I was up, I realized how badly my whole body was shaking and my teeth were chattering. Even with that, my skin felt like it was on fire.
Addiction was hard and I wanted it to stop.
I sobbed loudly as I emptied my stomach, then I drank from the faucet trying to satisfy the burning in my throat.
How was I back to this fucking point?
Why was I?
I went back towards the bed and dropped to my knees, I needed to level myself out.
But I just ended up sobbing against the bedspread.
I must have been loud because the door swung open and the room was filled with light from the dining room. I closed my eyes to the blinding light and didn't move until I heard the door close again.
My body was lifted back onto the bed and then a cool body laid behind me, spooning me as they put her chin on my shoulder.
"Do you want to talk about it?" My cries died in my throat when I realized that it was Sandra holding me. My big sister was seeing me like this, how pathetic.
"I-I..." I was shaking so badly and my skin was crawling. I was scratching my hands and choking through my sobs.
"Breathe Santana!" she said crisply in my ear.
I sucked in a breath, then another and another until I started to hyperventilate. She clamped her hand over my mouth so that I was forced to breathe through my nose.
The door opened again and then quickly closed.
Celia and Damariz came and sat on the bed.
Damariz was feeling my pulse and Celia just kept rubbing my arm.
"We're here Ana...we want to help you." Celia said softly as she wiped the tears from my face. "Will you let us?" she whispered as she kissed my face.
I nodded.
"Yes...please...I-I...I need help." I covered my face and cried against Celia's chest. I laid sandwiched between her and Sandra with Damariz rubbing my feet.
"It's going to be alright, Ana. We're here for you, Mama." I nodded and took deep steady breaths.
I was back to sleep in no time.
When I woke up again, it was to Britt laying clothes out on the bed and my sisters gone.
I sat up and looked at her, she looked like she had been crying.
Had I done this to her?
We'd had such a good week.
"You're mad." I said to her and she looked up at me...staring at me for a long moment before fixing her hair on top of her head. I watched her as she undressed herself and then she came around to my side of the bed and leaned in, unbuttoning my top.
"It's almost dinner time, let's get you in the shower. You smell like sour milk." She mumbled.
I took offense to that.
"I leaked." I said.
"Do you need me to help you stand?" She asked as she held her hand out.
I took it, feeling like we had a wall between us. I thought we were past that.
"B...please?" I said but she just finished undressing me once I was on my feet before taking my hand and pulling me towards the bathroom.
"Don't want to keep people waiting. Come on." She said. Her back was to me as she pulled me along and I watched her wipe away a tear. She cleared her throat as she closed the bathroom door. "Brush." she said to me.
I turned towards the sink and saw a toothbrush all ready for me, so I put it under some water and then began to brush my teeth.
She stood behind me, brushing my hair out and then putting it in a top knot with ease.
Show off.
It wasn't until we were in the shower and she was soaping up a loofa that she finally looked at me in the eyes. I shivered as I remembered our last shower together.
"It's Sunday?" I asked.
"Yes. I don't know what you took but I was getting the kids settled downstairs when I heard a thump upstairs. You were passed out on the floor when I got to you, shaking like you were choking."
"I was?"
"You had thrown up and were choking on it, yeah. We were afraid you'd have a seizure. I'm glad you're okay."
"It was...Ben-Benadryl."
"Did you have an allergic reaction to something?"
"No." She looked angry as she nodded but she washed my body softly. With love and it made me ache. "I'm sorry."
And she shrugged. "I don't really care if you're sorry, it doesn't change that you still keep doing things...but to answer your question, if that even was a question, no...I am not mad. I'm hurt. Those are two different things."
"Oh."
"Rinse." She said pushing me towards the water while she washed her own body. It was a quick flash but I saw it and I froze.
"B...you d-didn't." I said, tears bombarding me.
I reached out to her side where a fresh red line cut across her flesh.
"I know, just...I already talked to my therapist. I'd missed a dose and I was feeling off center. I'm okay. I caught up...we all fall...that's why I'm not mad."
"I...I...I'll do anything. I'll be h-honest before I fuck up." I said and she nodded.
"Good. I'm going to need you to keep that attitude because your mother is out there and you probably need to talk to her."
"Does she know?"
"That you have been forming a new addiction...yes, about the other stuff...not yet."
"Oh."
"Be honest. That's what you promised...you can either talk to her alone or with the family. That's your choice."
"But be h-honest."
"Yes."
"Can I feed her?" I asked as I massaged my aching boobs.
"Not yet."
"Okay." I said, not bothering to argue.
I'd done this and I needed to accept the consequences.
As we finished getting dressed, I could hear the front door open and loud laughter. Britt kissed my forehead and urged me to hurry up before leaving me to finish getting ready. Soon after, I heard Mami's voice asking for me. We hadn't really talked since I kicked her out of the van but now I was going to need her help.
My stomach made a lurching motion and the next thing I knew I was leaned over the toilet gagging on stomach bile.
"Santana?"
"Ugh." I said as I slowly stood up.
My mother was standing in the doorway with Isaac perched on her hip. Isaac began to reach for me but I couldn't touch him yet. I smiled at him and then went back to the sink and rinsed my mouth with the mint mouthwash that I kept in there.
I hated that my son had seen me like this.
"Are you okay?" Mami asked as I took Isaac from her. I nodded and then kissed my son's face.
"Yes. Bendicion, Mami." I said as I leaned in and kissed her cheek.
"Dios te bendiga. Why don't I believe you? Is this withdrawal?" she asked and I felt heat in my cheeks as she asked such a question with my son in her arms. The very son who had been through the height of my addiction with me.
But I promised to be honest.
"Yes. " I admitted and she put a hand on my cheek.
"Has Brittany not been supporting you?"
"She has. M-More than you!" I snapped. She looked at me with a hurt look on her face. "I'm sorry...ugh...I'm ju-just on edge." I said as I leaned in and dropped a kiss on her cheek. "Forgive me?" I said as I looked her in the eyes.
"It's fine...come eat, you're too skinny." she patted me on the back.
I followed her into the living room and almost immediately, all eyes were on me.
How did I ever enjoy that as a Cheerio?
These days, I wanted people to just be normal with me but with everything that had happened, I knew that it wasn't possible for them to treat me normally.
Because, I wasn't normal.
I was anxious as everyone gathered at the table. My body still trembled slightly and I swallowed the extra saliva in my mouth.
As I sat there, in front of a plate of food that was piled too high, I tried to think of how I'd get through this new addiction and whatever was looming with Marco. I bowed my head to pray and everyone followed suit but then my prayer were cut off by two phones going off at once.
Damariz and Sandra looked at each other and then down at their phones. Damariz ignored hers but Sandra held up a finger and picked up her phone and walked away from the table.
We all watched as her face crumpled up and she rammed her fist into the wall. "No, no, no, no, no!" she was crying now. I went to stand to my feet but froze when there was a banging on the front door.
What the fuck was going on?
Brittany's POV
Everything just fell apart.
One minute, Ana was about to pray and the next the world split right open.
At first I thought that it was just a coincidence that both Sandra and Damariz's phones went off at the same time. Ana immediately knew better. She had watched with wide eyes as Sandra answered her phone. Then we had all watched Sandra flip out like she was...well...me, kind of shed new light on how I must have looked when I flipped at Ana.
Sandra had just punched the wall when the door started to rattle with someone banging on it. Ana looked over that way and that's when I saw how bad she was shaking. She looked like she was going to be sick.
Quinn thankfully was nearly at the door so she quickly pulled the door open before anyone could move and there stood Rachel, covered in what looked like mud but smelled awfully a lot like shit.
"This is not a good time, Rachel." Quinn said as she blocked her entrance.
"Let her in." Ana distractedly mumbled as she watched Celia and Damariz with their arms around Sandra. I wasn't paying attention to Rachel either because now Damariz was sliding down to her knees and crying into her hands and Celia stood there looking blurry eyed and kept shaking her head.
The world was still for just a moment as we all watched the three sisters completely falling apart. At first I thought that their mom died but I knew for a fact that they didn't really care for her.
"Wh-What's going on?" Ana squeaked out. Her whole body was stiff as she stood there rubbing her palms together.
She was losing the little bit of resolve that she had, I could see it and it scared me.
What I didn't know yet but was about to find out was that the world as Ana knew it was about to blow up even more.
Celia came over to us and tried to get Ana to sit down.
"No...I wo-won't sit! Tell me." Ana begged.
"You should sit down." Celia said through her tears.
"NO! Fu-Fucking tell me already!" she screamed.
"There was an accident, Brenda, Little Ethan and Brendan...they're gone." she whispered. The scream that came from Ana as she fell into Celia's arms was the most heartbreaking thing that I had ever heard...it was like Court all over again but even worse.
How could life be so fucking cruel.
To be honest, I didn't know what to do, I was still dealing with my own loss. Court had only died a month and a half ago.
God...had it only been a month and a half?
How much had happened since...how could I step in and help when I was sobbing too?
What could I do?
I'm not good with these sorts of things.
At least I thought that I wasn't but then all of a sudden Ana was flinging herself into my arms and I was just holding her tight to me and allowing her to cry and question.
I would just be there for her the best that I could.
My heart hurt as I thought of Brenda and her four boys, Ethan and Evan were twins and were around ten and then there was little Xavier who had just turned five Labor Day weekend and then the baby, little Brendan was just two years old.
This just seemed so unfair. Especially since Brenda's husband had died at war.
Where was the justice?
Ana and I sat at the table, her face a mask of confusion as she forced herself to eat her first meal since we left Lake George the afternoon before. I don't even know if she tasted anything, she just ate and kept shaking her head as tears poured from her eyes.
Sandra and Celia were getting their shit together to head to L.A. to identify the the bodies, they were like zombies as they lifted a very pregnant Damariz from the floor and helped put her coat on.
"We are going to head to Mari's...she's not going to be able to fly."
"No." I said, knowing what it was like to lose a sister, "She can stay in the guest room down here. Saul is working, she shouldn't be alone, especially in her condition."
They looked at Mari and she just shrugged her shoulders. "Where are the sheets...I'll change em." She mumbled, looking so lost.
"Uh...the closet in the room."
"Thanks, Brittany." She said wrapping me in a hug, she cried against my neck and I rubbed her back. "You know this pain, huh...how...how do you exist?" She muttered, already trying to make sense.
"You just do. I'm here for you, whatever you need. Go rest." She stood nodded and then walked into the guest room, leaving the door open as she moved about trying to stay busy, Gladys followed her and I was glad that I could worry just a little less about whether she'd be okay.
Gladys always seemed to take care of everyone better than Ana...which is why I had to work so hard to keep my wife together.
I got pulled into another hug, this time with Sandra. "Thanks for looking out for my sister, Britt." Sandra said, her face a mask of coolness but I knew better. This was her take charge attitude, the one she learned in the military. She was shelving her grief and I respected it...it's what I had to do when I was helping my parents through this.
And Celia, she took one look at Rachel and then turned to Q who looked so stuck but then she was holding Celia tight and kissing her like it was the last time before she followed Sandra out of the door.
The house was getting quieter by the second which is why we were able to hear Q so clearly.
I'd gone back to watching Ana eat her food but then my head shot up when I heard Quinn whispering harshly to Rachel.
"How dare you fucking show up here looking and smelling like shit and drunk! What happened to the Rachel Berry that I fell in love with? I miss her!"
Ana must have heard her too because even though her face was buried against my shoulder she said loudly,
"Leave her alone Q. She's here for a reason."
Ana dropped her fork to her near empty plate and wiped her mouth before leaning towards me and pressing her lips to mine. I brushed her tears with my thumbs and kissed her again.
"Whatever you need, I've got." I whispered and she nodded before her face got still as stone like as Sandra's had been.
This was Cheerio Santana. I watched as she transformed right in front of my face. She wiped her tears away with her palms and then sat up straight and looked across the room at Rachel and Quinn.
"Wh-What is it Rachel?" she said softly while plucking imaginary lint from her track pants.
Rachel stood there, the mud/poop stuff becoming crusty as it dried.
"I was wondering if you might let me stay here just for a few days? I got kicked out of school and I really don't have any other place to go. I will do anything...to help." she said weakly.
I looked over at Quinn who's eyes were wide and shocked as she looked at her ex-girlfriend. I looked over at my wife and she looked like she was thinking hard about it and then a sneaky smile crept over her face.
"I have a better idea."
"You do?" Rachel perked up, excited that Ana was willing to help her in some way.
"Rehab."
"What? Why?"
"You're an al-alcoholic, Rachel. Addicts kn-know addicts. Y-You should be going to rehab."
"I'm not an alcoholic and I resent the fact that you think so." Rachel said as she huffed and crossed her arms over herself.
"Look, I know that stuff seems pr-pretty bad for you...but look around, it's b-bad for all of us. So stop being so self centered and ma-maybe realize that life doesn't revolve around y-you."
"Maybe you have a point...but I feel like I can control this."
"I th-thought that too. I w-was wrong, so are you."
"I...I don't know what to say."
"Th-Then don't. Just th-think about what you h-have become. If y-you stay it c-can't be fo-forever."
She stood there looking at Ana, then looked down at herself and nodded. "Thank you, Santana."
Ana stood to her feet and then leaned in and kissed my lips.
"C-can I pl-please feed her?" She whispered, her eyes watery and I just nodded. Mari had told me she was in the clear to breastfeed but I was feeling nervous but right now, she needed to walk away and I'd do my best to make that happen.
"Go check in on your mom and sister, I'll get Rachel settled then bring her to you."
"Thanks, B." She kissed me then, soft and sweet, which made me realize that even at times like this when everything else had gone to shit me and Ana were still us and things would be good again between us.
Quinn was standing by the door and talking in a hushed whisper on the phone. She had wanted to go with Celia but ended up staying behind at Celia's request because Ana and Damariz would need her.
She wasn't happy about it.
"So I guess you can stay in the guest room on third floor. Is that okay Quinn? " I said as I looked over at Q. There were only three rooms up there and one of them was Quinn's. She would be all alone with Rachel for the time being and it was her call.
"That's fine B, it's your house." Quinn said before returning to her phone conversation.
"Thank you, very much, Brittany."
Santana's POV
I sat with Mari as she cradled her baby bump, she had her head on my shoulder when Britt brought the baby in.
This was my first time seeing her since I put her in her car seat the day before. She looked at me with watery eyes and I quickly helped her latch on before she got to a level three cry, which was when her whole body turned red and she wouldn't stop gumming my nipple to death.
"Do you need anything?" B asked and I puckered my lips. She smiled and kissed my lips. Then she rolled her eyes and kissed Mari's forehead before leaving to go check in on Isaac who had thankfully been in bed when all of the commotion had happened.
Sunday dinners would probably never be the same again.
"Tell me something good, sis." Mari said.
"I wish I h-had something to tell. You?"
We sat in silence for a while after that. I had started falling asleep against her shoulder while feeding the baby when she finally spoke again.
"It's a girl." She said, "Daniela will have company."
"Th-That's awesome, Mari." I said as I sat up abruptly. Daniela was asleep so I just started burping her instead of giving her more. Damariz sat up and reached out for the baby. I handed my daughter over and watched as my sister continued to burp her and then when she was done, she leaned over and tucked her into the bassinet. I sat there twisting my shirt in between my fingers as I waited for Damariz to come back to bed.
It didn't take long.
"Talk to me. You're hooked again? I heard about your stuff with Marco too...and Ari. What is going on?" she asked as she pulled my hand in between hers. I we both sat cross-legged facing each other and holding hands. It was the closest the two of us had ever been.
"Wh-When I lived here last summer...I was taken advantage of...and-" suddenly the door swung open and in stormed my mother with Brittany right behind her trying to stand in front of her.
"What did you do? How could you not tell me that you might be implicated in a murder, Santana!" Mami screamed at me as she disrupted a peaceful moment.
Daniela started crying and I flipped.
"Was that really necessary Mami? With my daughter right here?" Britt walked over to the bassinet and picked up the baby. She tried her best to soothe her but it was useless. It was only something that I was capable of.
"Give her to me, Britt."
Brittany nodded and then walked around Gladys and brought her to me. Daniela looked up at me with watery eyes and continued to cry really loudly.
I was so angry and felt so terrible for disturbing her from her sleep.
This was all just so overwhelming.
I needed a way out but I had used up all those moments to numb myself, B asked me to be present and I would be.
Even if my current present was a living hell.
Brittany's POV
I was really fed up and just wanted people to leave so that I could talk to my wife alone.
Gladys was the first person that I had to get rid of and since she could calmly leave on her own, I did the next best thing.
While she ranted at Ana, I walked back into the kitchen and cornered Hector who had been quiet through all of this, if he was going to marry Gladys, I needed him to step up a little more.
Wasn't I stretched enough as it was?
"You need to take her to the hotel." I said as I leaned against the kitchen counter and looked at both him. "Ana has a lot of pressure and stuff going on. Maybe it would be better if you just left. Come back in the morning if you must...but tonight has reached its maximum capacity of drama."
I didn't give Hector a chance to respond because I stormed out of the room and headed into the living room where Quinn was sitting with Izzy in her lap.
He was having another one of his treatments.
I rubbed his little head and then stood in front of Q completely.
"Hey B...is everything okay in there?"
"I need a favor." I said as I held Izzy's little hand in my own.
"What do you guys need?"
Just when I finished telling Quinn what I needed from her there was banging coming from the guest room.
"What the heck?" Quinn said as she craned her neck towards the closed door.
When I went to open the door, I could hear the crying coming from the other side. I tried the door but it was locked.
"I can't fucking believe you, Mami! How dare you say that about me! Get out of my house!" Ana screamed.
The shit had hit the fan.
"Hector!" I screamed towards the kitchen. He was in the dining room in no time as I began to bang on the door.
"Ana? Gladys? Damariz? Open the door!" I was pleading with them but I doubted that they could hear me over their yelling.
What bothered me the most though was the fact that my newborn was still screaming.
Hector rammed his shoulder into the door just once and it popped open. It was amazing to see and if I had more time I would have tried to get him to show me how to do it. Then there was another smack at the same time of the door slamming against the wall.
"Don't you dare talk to me like that! I am your mother!"
"Only when it's con-convenient!" Ana screamed.
Another slap!
It was like I felt it.
My heart clenched as I dove in front of of my lunging wife. Ana's body slammed into mine so hard that we flew past Gladys and crashed into the wall. I held her tightly around the waist so that she wouldn't turn around and try again. She was facing the wall and I had my front pressed against her back.
"Hector? Now!" I never would have yelled at him like that but this was out of control. I could still hear Dani crying but I realized that she wasn't in the room. The bathroom door was closed. I leaned against Ana while she growled and threatened her mother, I leaned enough, so that my lips were brushing her ear. "Think about the baby...she needs you right now."
Ana's body slumped against me and I loosened my hands but didn't let go completely. She rested her forehead against the wall, her body began to shake and then I heard her sniffling.
"I'm so-sorry." she whispered only low enough for me to hear. "You can let me go, B, I'm go-going to get the b-baby." she whispered.
I stepped back but kept my arms out just in case she tried to lunge but she kept her word. She turned around and walked straight towards the bathroom door without chancing a glance around the room.
Ana surprises me everyday.
It's amazing to see how much she has matured.
It's a welcome change.
Santana's POV
By the time that everyone left the house, Damariz included when Saul came to pick her up after his shift, I was so emotionally drained that I fell asleep the moment that we got into the room. Sleep though didn't last long because Isaac woke up calling for me.
Britt tried to go to him but he kept shaking his head and calling for his Mami.
I pushed out of the bed after listening to Britt trying to reason with him over the baby monitor. She was trying so hard to let me sleep but the truth of the matter was that I had slept for too many hours already today.
When I walked into the nursery I found her on her knees trying to play peek-a-boo with him but he kept whining.
"Hey Pa-Papa, giving yo-your Mama a hard time?" I said as I walked over to stand beside a kneeling Britt.
"Mami!" he shrieked for the first time and pulled himself to his feet. I had never seen him do that and it blew me away, two firsts at once. He was growing too fast, I leaned over and picked him up.
The moment that Isaac was in my arms, he laid his head on my neck and started humming himself back to sleep. I rubbed his back as I rocked on my feet and began to sing to him. After a few minutes he was out cold, so I put him back in the crib and tucked him in.
Britt had stayed quiet the entire time.
When I looked down, I could see that she had fallen asleep with her head leaned against the changing table. She had purple bruises under her eyes from the exhaustion and it made my stomach turn. She was exhausted and it was barely eight thirty.
I knelt beside her and kissed her face a few times but she didn't budge.
"Brittany? Baby?" I said as I pressed forward more and kissed her lips. At first nothing happened but then I felt her press her lips against mine.
I was lost in the kiss as she pulled us to our feet, backing us out of the room until I felt the cool air of the hallway on my back.
"I'm sorry to interrupt." I groaned as I remembered my new house guest. I pulled away from Britt and looked her in her eyes.
"Britt, go ahead and lay down okay? I ne-need to talk to Rachel. I'll be in soon." I leaned in and kissed her as she nodded and then shuffled into our bedroom and shut the door softly.
I turned to Rachel and finally got a good look at her.
She had apparently showered and was now wearing an old lady nightgown.
I snickered and then gestured towards my office. I needed to lay down some ground rules if she was going to be staying in the same house as my children and my wife.
The new Rachel Berry was more ruthless and reckless. I didn't really trust her but she needed someone to believe in her and since she believed in me even when I didn't deserve it, I decided to return the favor.
It was the adult thing to do.
I shut the door to the office and then sat down on the big comfy sofa. I patted the cushion next to me and waited for her to make her way over.
When she sat down, that's when I caught a hint of a smell, I leaned closer and could see that she was a little bleary eyed.
"Are you dr-drunk?" I asked flat out.
"I'm sobering up currently."
"How of-often do you drink Rachel?" I said as I tried to maintain eye contact.
"Every day, every night. Most of the time."
"Y-You will not dr-drink in this house or come back here dr-drunk. Got it?"
"Yes. Thank you, Santana. I'm aware that I may be developing a bit of a problem."
"Wh-What are you going to do about it."
"What does it matter? I already failed." She said as she looked down at her hands.
"Look at me, Rachel." I said. Slowly she raised her head just enough so that she could look me in the eyes. "You are better than this." I reached out and took her hand in mine. "Y-You can't give up on y-yourself. So many good th-things are waiting for you."
"Do you really think so?" She said, for the first time looking at me with hopeful eyes.
"I know so Rachel."
"Can I hug you?" she said softly. "It would seem that both of us are in dire need-"
"Shut up." I said as I opened my arms and allowed her to wrap her arms around me. She leaned against me and then quickly pulled away but then I pulled her back and wrapped my arms around her.
"I don't get why you are being so nice to me." she whispered.
"Because...I w-won't let you give up on yourself. I l-love you, I gu-guess."
"Thanks, Santana. I love you too." she said as we pulled away from each other.
When I climbed in bed the first thing that I noticed was that Britt was still awake. She was lying there on the bed staring at our daughter and crying.
"Are you okay?" we both said simultaneously.
"Jinx!" I laughed against her back.
"What happened in there, Ana?"
"Mami...w-wouldn't stop yelling, so Mari took the baby and l-locked herself in the b-bathroom. Mami k-kept going. I t-tried to reason with her but she wanted to ar-argue."
"You hit her Ana." I sighed heavily as I thought about how I had snapped and physically assaulted my own mother, the same woman that threw herself in front of my father's blows to protect me from him.
"I kn-know. It was wr-wrong. I know."
"I-I don't even know what to say." she said before slowly turning so that we were eye to eye. "So much happened tonight and then tomorrow, I have to go back to work. I asked Q to stay with you, she said she would so at least you won't be alone."
"Th-Thanks."
"I would take off but I have to check in on Ari and talk to Frank about her. I'm so tired but I can't take time off."
"N-No worries. S-Save your t-time."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"I just want everything to be okay again."
"So do I, Britt Britt. So do I."
"I'm sorry that you woke up to all that." She rested her forehead against mine and ran her finger slowly up and down my arm.
"It was un-unavoidable. I j-just need to g-give myself time to mourn my sister and my ne-nephews but I can't allow myself to b-become lost."
"So you are just going to ignore it? Deflect? Isn't that what you have been trying to move past?"
"Yea...you're right. This...j-just doesn't seem real."
What else was I supposed to do?
This was reality and just like I told Rachel, I wouldn't give up.
Not just on her, but on me.
I was worth it.
Or at least I would be.