Chapter 37: Smile (Juice WRLD & The Weeknd)

Santana's POV

The loss of my sister and nephews hit me in the middle of the night. I startled awake at the sound of my baby's little grunts. When I looked to my left there's Britt feeding the baby from a bottle with dark circles under her eyes.

When I looked at the clock it said that it's just 2 in the morning, which meant I had only been asleep two hours or so. Britt was in tears as she whispered softly to the baby and didn't realize I was awake at first until I touched her leg.

She looked at me and shuffled closer, so our hips touched.

I sat up and rested my head on her shoulder and just let the tears come.

My heart felt so heavy, yet vacant.

"Your phone has been buzzing for a few minutes, did it wake you?"

I shrugged and didn't even bother to look at my phone. I needed this time to myself, without disruption from the outside.

There was coughing over the baby monitor, dry and hacking.

"Oh no." I said and then shakingly got out of the bed, B looked like she wanted to stop me but I needed to be busy if I had to be awake. I wrapped my robe around myself, aware that I had an extra person in my house that I didn't want to flash.

When I got to Isaac, he was laying there crying silently with his Elmo against his chest. I turned the light on and he looked glassy eyed at me.

"Papa?" I called and he continued taking shallow breaths.

I put medicine in his machine and got it ready for him, then I dropped the bar on his crib and lifted him out of the crib. His whole body was damp and hot. I leaned close to the monitor.

"B, I th-think he has a fever."

I sat down in the glider and slipped his mask on his face. He looked at me with more tears and I kissed his sweaty little head. Guilt still plagued me but I wasn't trying to shove it down, instead I hugged him tighter to me.

Britt came in without the baby with a thermometer in her hand.

She ran it over his forehead and then looked at it with worried eyes.

"103. I'm going to call Dr. C."

"Ok. Wh-What should I do?"

"You're doing exactly what you need to do. That usually brings his fever down a little, if I'm not back before it's done, put his coat on. I think we are going to have to take him to the hospital."

"Ok." She leaned in and kissed my forehead.

"Relax, baby. He will vibe off of you and if you get all worked up, he'll start crying which will make it harder to breathe."

Thank God for B.

I took a deep breath and rubbed Isaac's back, humming to him. He relaxed further against me as his machine buzzed loudly.

It sucked that this was his normal and I wished that I could go back, throw away the drugs and fix it all.

And then...like a lightbulb, it went off. I did have that chance. Right now, with Daniela.

Who knew what taking pills while breastfeeding was doing her and I had that power to reflect on what I'm doing right in this moment.

I had a new resolve, I couldn't just talk about it with Rachel and not do it for myself and my kids.

Life was way too short for me to keep sabotaging myself.

How many times had I come to this realization and then backslid?

Fuck my life, I needed to do better.

Once Dr. C agreed that taking Isaac in was best, Britt helped me get his bag ready then picked him up while I held my baby girl. She was still asleep and while it was probably a good idea to leave her home, I didn't want to bug Quinn.

She had her own shit.

Britt didn't argue it, she just helped me down the stairs so I didn't fall.

Isaac was breathing a little easier but he was still wheezing as we made our way through an empty midtown towards the hospital.

Once we got in, they immediately took him into triage and then right into tests.

"Santana Lopez?"

I looked up from my seat in the corner, I had been trying to get Daniela to latch on but she was so worked up that she wouldn't. I was getting frustrated. A doctor was standing a few feet from me. I situated myself under my jacket and then stood to my feet with my crying baby in my hands.

"Yes? Is my son okay?" I said as I rocked the baby.

"He has bronchitis. I saw his history and I don't think sending him home would be the best for him. You're doing what you can but he'll get the resources here to get better faster."

"Okay but he's going to be okay right?"

"It's my hope...is this your other child?"

"Yes." He was looking at Daniela and then back at me.

"Have you had your house checked for mold?"

"Excuse me?" I was thrown off by his question.

"Your son's lungs were irritated and I'm wondering if it might be because of mold...it's a common problem...especially with all the dampness."

"So you think it might be mold? I'll get it checked out...can we see him." Britt asked.

"Yes. Follow me."

Mold? Really?

In New York? In February?

What gives? I just wanted to like freeze time and take a nap. This was all just becoming too much.

Britt held my hand as I shoved the pacifier in the baby's mouth before handing her over. Within seconds of being with Britt, Daniela calmed down and I rolled my eyes.

"Rude." I muttered and Britt gave me a tired smile.

When we saw Isaac, he was attached to wires and had a mask over his face. I began to cry as I brushed his curls away from his face and kissed his face.

Britt rubbed my back as I got worked up again.

"Breathe baby, let him see you smile."

Isaac was staring at me with watery eyes and I hated that I was getting him upset, so I wiped my face and put on my best smile.

"I love you, P-Papa. Ki ki?" I asked him and he nodded.

So I kissed as much as his face as I could without bothering the mask.

He smiled and then closed his eyes.

I pressed my hand to his chest and bowed my head in prayer. Britt joined in and then, even though I didn't want to.

We left him.

And I hated it but this was best.

Once we were back in the car, I looked at my phone since it had been buzzing earlier.

Hey...we really need to talk!-Ari

This was a girl who LOVES sleep, so if she was up in the middle of the night, either she had heard about Brenda or she had something else on her mind. Either way, I couldn't leave her on read.

We got into the house and Daniela was still awake. It seemed like the formula wasn't helping her sleep, she needed the comfort of the boob.

Britt laid next to me drifting close to sleep.

Call me then, I'm awake.-Ana

"Need to t-talk to Ari, want me to l-leave the room?" I asked her but she just buried her face against my hip threw her arm around my waist.

Okay then.

I settled Daniela in the crook of my arm and got her all set up. I couldn't deny her anything right now and if she wanted the comfort of my boob, it was fine by me.

I had just gotten her situated when my phone started to vibrate.

Britt let out a snore and cuddled even closer, throwing her leg over mine. I couldn't leave if I wanted to.

I quickly grabbed the phone and pressed it to my ear. This was the first call I was getting from Ari since I left her in the hospital a week ago, I'd given her the space that she'd asked for and now it seemed that she had some things to say.

"Hey, Ari...h-how are you feeling?"

"Let's cut to the chase. I'm not calling about me. This is about you and Moncho, he called me worried that you might turn yourself in?" she said in a crackly voice.

"I...um...I don't th-think so?"

"No?"

"No. I...have big th-things happening here."

"Okay, that's a relief because I know that you have that whole Catholic guilt that you are carting around because I have that too, I get it but if you think that you have something to atone for, more than Moncho, then you are insane. He doesn't want you to get pulled away from your kids. He doesn't want you to go down because of what he did."

"And I won't." I wasn't sure what she knew but there was no way I would go into it over the phone. Not talking about what had happened was best for everyone. The less people that knew, the better. "I th-think I'm going to leave the h-heavy lifting to Mami if this co-comes against me."

"That's a good idea, your mom is by far one of the smartest people that I have ever met, Anita. Yes, she was absent and she was a bit neglectful but she is a damn good lawyer. Even though I don't know the details of how you're wrapped up in this and I don't need to know, talk to your mom and actually listen to her."

"Wh-Why are you worrying ab-about me right now, Ari?"

"Because ultimately, you would do it for me." she said with a quiver in her voice. "Did you ever talk to Britt about saving my spot?"

"She is go-going in today to talk to th-them." I was about to speak again when I felt the phone being taken from me.

Britt still had her head pressed against me as she put the phone to her ear.

"Hey Ari, I'm going to fight for you. They LOVE you and with the script not even being completed yet, you have time. Just fight this...yes...I promise you...yeah, okay. I'll tell her. Good night."

Britt ended the call and then looked at the time, she let out a huge yawn then smiled at me.

"What?"

"You're beautiful, girl. God, even at this hour with a boob out and you sadder than sad, you are still so beautiful." She said with a grin.

"Th-Thanks, baby...you are super h-hot too."

"I know. I have two h-hours. No more calls." I nodded and then took my phone from her.

The baby had stopped sucking and I looked down to see her face relaxed and drool going down her cheek.

I burped her and then I tucked her into the bassinet, way too tired to go to the nursery.

With boob milk, she slept for at least three hours so hopefully that meant, I could get some real sleep...because now, at almost 5, I felt exhausted.

I curled up against Britt and fell into a deep sleep with a million things on my mind.

"Shh." She said in her sleep, kissing my face and then letting out a snort.

Even in sleep, she was making me smile.

Britt was the light in all of this...my rock.

Brittany's POV

There were about two whole years in high school where I slept for only short bursts because my pills kept me from really sleeping. So I have adjusted really well to losing hours of sleep.

Add that to having an entire week in Lake George, I was feeling more rested than I should after only having about three hours of sleep. I woke up to my alarm and expected my wife to be snuggled against me but she wasn't.

I had little time to stress, so I checked in on the baby...she slept still, thankfully. The monitor was no where in sight so that meant that wherever Ana was, the monitor was too.

She had a lot on her mind and I couldn't blame her for not being able to sleep.

The hot shower woke me up more and when I came out, there was a mug of coffee on the sink just how I liked it.

It made me smile.

She'd thought of me.

I brushed my teeth and my hair, before carrying the mug into the walk-in closet. As I picked out my comfiest track suit, one that Sue had given Ana that was way too big for her. Thanks, Sue. I raised my mug and took a long sip.

Perfect.

I got dressed quietly and quickly before coming out into the bedroom.

Ana sat at the edge of the bed, completely showered and dressed, eating a bagel off a tray as she changed the baby's clothes. It was good to see her being a mom and it was good to see her eating without being forced.

"Hey, baby." I said. She smiled softly at me and then nodded her head towards the nightstand.

"Walked to the c-cart. Got you a b-bagel sandwich."

"By yourself?" I asked.

"Yeah. Ne-Needed to walk."

I don't know why that made me nervous...actually, I knew exactly why but I just nodded. "Thanks, baby."

"S-Sure. Mami is on her way over, sh-she wants to go see M-Marco. He c-called her."

"Wait, he did?"

"W-Wanted her to give him a re-referral."

"But he's a lawyer, shouldn't he know a million other lawyers?"

"Crooked ones."

"Oh. So she wants you to go with her, why?"

"To br-bring the baby and he ask-asked for me."

"No. I'm not cool with you taking our newborn to a prison, I don't care if he is half her DNA, she's not going to a prison." I was angrily eating my bagel sandwich as I glared at her and while at first her face was stone, she finally broke. Tears creeped from her eyes and she wiped them away, annoyed that they dared to come out of her eyes.

"F-Fine." She said and began taking the sweater off the baby. "Sh-She doesn't need th-this then." And then she took off the pretty bow headband she'd put on her. "Or me." The last thing came out as a whisper but I'd heard it. I put my sandwich down and knelt in front of her.

"Hey." I called but she looked away. "Look at me."

She looked at me with all the hurt in her eyes...it hurt that I had broken her facade but it wasn't that strong to begin with. Then her eyes flickered, she was about to lie...I could feel it coming.

"I w-was just trying to be n-nice and make everyone happy. I got y-you br-breakfast and m-made coffee. Wh-Why did you have to yell?" She whined and I just squeezed her hands while also keeping an eye out for the baby who was babbling to the ceiling.

"I'm sorry about that."

"No, it's f-fine. Sh-She can st-stay. I'll ask Q to l-look after her."

"No, I'll take her. Put her sweater back on and her bow, please? I don't plan to stay at work all day, there's really not much to do but go over plans for the play. Maybe having a cute baby with me while I drop the Ari news and the funeral news, will help the tension."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Plus, to lay it on extra thick, I was going to suggest we all go to the hospital and get our marrow tested as a show of support. I can stop in to see my little buddy, while I'm there."

"Th-Thanks, B. Yo-You're amazing."

"We're a team, you don't have to thank me. I love having your back. Besides, you fed me and gave me coffee, I'd do anything for you right now."

"I'll k-keep that in mind." She winked and finally smiled at me.

I kissed her lips and then stood back to my feet.

The clock said I had ten minutes to get to the theater but they could wait.

My family came first.

Ana pumped another bottle's worth of milk before packing up the diaper bag and sending me and Dani on our way.

I wanted to wait for Gladys to show up, just in case there was another slapping incident but I really didn't want to piss off Frank and August.

They had been on edge about keeping me on for a really long time and bring in Frankie in had saved my job...and I think bringing Ari in had secured it.

Now though, I was going to be showing up at work an hour late with a baby in tow, with a bomb to drop...all without Frankie, who had texted me that she was heading back to L.A. with Siobhan and how they already found a renter for their place.

It'd been a week and she had left the moment that she realized that I couldn't get in the way, which was probably best for all of us.

The baby was babbling in her stroller as we walked the few blocks to the theater.

I kept rehearsing my speech for my bosses and was so wrapped up in exactly what to say that I was stunned when I saw Ari, wrapped in a big coat looking pale as snow waiting outside the theater.

"What are you doing here?"

"I got out of the hospital, knew you were going to talk to them and figured I should be here with you."

"I'm an hour late, how long have you been out here?"

"Ten minutes."

"Well let's get inside."

"Is that my little preciosa bella, Dani?"

"It is."

Ari's face lit up as she peeked in the stroller and then squeezed the baby's foot.

"Just seeing her made standing out here worth it, honestly."

Ari held the door open for me so I could push the stroller inside, I parked it in the foyer and then put the baby in my carrier before glancing over at Ari. She was hanging our coats up and smiled at me softly.

"How's Ana?" She asked.

"As well as can be expected after everything last night."

"What happened?"

"Her-" I got cut off by Frank yelling from the stage where Tony had been showing him and August some moves.

"Brittany! Who's that with you? Did you bring a baby to work?"

As we got closer and he saw that it was a paler and thinner Ari, his demeanor changed.

"Ariana! What a great surprise, are you unwell?"

I could see from the smirk on Ari's face that she was more than capable of sucking up to Frank, something I hadn't been able to master.

"Hi, Frank. Sorry that Britt is late, she was waiting for me to show up. I really wanted to talk to you and August."

"Oh, well, that's understandable. Let's head up to the mobile office, shall we." He whistled up to August and Tony and waved them down to the front row.

I stayed standing since the baby was calm and when you were too still while holding her she'd start wailing.

Ari stood beside me, looking a little unsteady.

"I have Cancer, it's a lifelong battle. I've been in remission for six years until about two months ago. I had a bone marrow transplant in January, I spent my month healing then I auditioned but I was feeling sick again. Brittany and Santana pushed me to go get seen a week ago. The transplant didn't take unfortunately. So I'm back on chemo, I just finished a week of intense treatment. I came straight here from the hospital."

Frank looked like he as going to cry and so did everyone else, Ari looked tired so I took her arm and helped her to sit down. She smiled gratefully at me and kissed the top of her head. We were linked for life. Even if she'd slept with Ana, for some reason I didn't mind. Like if Ana came to me and said I want you both forever, I'd make that concession for Ari. She was just that special to the both of us.

I clapped my hands together and everyone looked at me.

"Ari was worried that you'd recast her part. This is her dream and she promised me that she was going to fight like hell for it. She needs good bone marrow, I thought instead of going over dances that Tony and I could do in our sleep...we could all go get tested as a show support."

Frank nodded as he wiped his tears. He turned to Ari and took her hand. "Ariana, you have nothing to worry about. Your spot is secure and when it comes to your understudy, we will make sure that we get nothing less than the best and you will choose that person. Thank you for your honesty, we'd all be honored to get tested for you."

"Thanks, Frank...I was tempted to quit but Britt is so passionate about this play and about me being the lead, I couldn't let her down. She's a good one."

See what I mean?

I'd marry this girl if I wasn't so head over heels for Ana.

When people think I'm innocent, if anyone still thought that, I would just want to point them to Ari.

How could you not love her?

Santana's POV

By the time that Mami got to the house, I was wired. I'd cleaned the whole downstairs, mopping and everything. Then I made more coffee for Q, who I insisted shouldn't waste my money and should go to school.

I practically pushed her out the door with a mug of coffee and told her not to come back until she learned something.

Then I took another shower and then cleaned up my bedroom and nursery after getting dressed.

Cleaning had helped me to center myself a bit. I was beginning to compartmentalize. I was sad about Brenda and the boys but I wasn't allowing myself to really feel it. I would save that for the funeral.

Today was for getting facts on Marco's case and making sure that I wasn't going down with him and Mami was going to help me with that but I had to apologize for our fight and I needed to keep her calm...and willing to help me.

Marco had taught me well, there was a time and a place for everything and I needed to keep my eye on the prize.

When Mami walked in, it was to an immaculate and entirely silent house. I handed her a mug of coffee and waved her to the sofa.

"I know my sweet prince is in the hospital but where is the baby, you said you were bringing her when we talked this morning."

I sat down across from her and picked up my own mug that wasn't completely coffee...a girl needed a little liquid courage this morning and since I hadn't been cleared to drive, what was the harm in a little pick me up?

"B has her. Sh-She w-wanted us be able to focus." I said, not wanting to bring up the fact that Britt had put her foot down because any bit of dominance that Britt showed threw up red flags for Mami and I was trying to keep her calm.

"Oh, well that was nice of her."

"So, Mami...I just w-wanted...I'm sorry for h-hitting you. That was wrong. I'm so ashamed of m-myself."

She sniffed and then wiped away my tears.

"Think nothing of it. I could see it on your face last night, how sorry you were after Britt calmed you. Just know that if you ever lift your hand to me again, that will be the last time. Entiendes?"

"Yes, Mami."

"Good now that we got that out of the way, let's talk about what you'll say and do in the presence of Marco and the cops."

"Y-You don't think I should t-turn myself in do you?"

"Who's here?"

"Just us. We can t-talk freely."

"Good. That was smart to get rid of extra people. Tell me what happened, every bit of it and I will tell you how we will pin all of it on Marco because he owes you everything. Anything you did was ultimately at his hand and if he is as good now as you say he's been trying to be, he won't let you go down. It's best though, if I know everything so I can properly defend you and be ready for anything he might say."

"Okay."

Mami and I sat down at the cool metal table in the center of an interrogation room. She leaned in and then cupped her mouth with her hand.

"Remember that anything we say in here might be heard. So let me do the talking. Okay?"

I felt a chill run through me and nodded my head. I sat back and looked around the cold gray room and thought about this drab place being my new home. There was no fucking way I'd allow that, I could just picture my kids coming to see me here then I thought of how adamant Britt had been about Daniela not coming here.

Would I even get to see my kids if I ended up in jail?

Probably not, which strengthened my resolve, I was not going to end up here if I could help it. The door buzzed and in walked Marco with a guard.

He looked scruffy but still tried to walk with the haughty demeanor. Marco has one of the strongest senses of pride that I had ever come across so this behavior didn't surprise me. The guard went and sat in the far corner of the room after handcuffing Marco's hands to the table top.

I looked into my ex-husband's eyes and didn't find what I had expected. He still looked like the sweeter version of himself that he'd been showing. There was no cockiness just a sense of remorse and compassion.

Then he looked into my eyes and raised an eyebrow, I had to look away.

"Anita..." He began but I shook my head at him and he looked to Mami instead but I could sense his concern. Thankfully though, he kept it to himself. "What can I do for you ladies?" he said with no hint of malice.

"What's the status of your case?" Mami asked bluntly.

"Ahh...I see...well, Gladys, I simply told them the truth, how I killed that girl and how I dumped her body. I led them to her and any DNA they found was mine. What was surprising was that they only found my DNA given how much that girl got around that night."

He was hinting at something. The cops knew nothing about me.

"Wait, r-really?" I said in shock. Mami squeezed my leg under the table and shot me a warning glare before looking back towards Marco. He was smirking and I knew the look, it was one that told me something different than anyone else could see.

It said, I SEE YOU.

But out loud he said something different entirely.

"See Ana, being controlled looks good on you." I swallowed the nausea in my mouth, he was right and I knew it. I was taught to be led and that hadn't changed, even with B.

"Why did you confess?" Mami asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.

"Something broke in me...watching Ana struggled with an addiction that I stuck her with. Seeing my own daughter, so pure. I couldn't let someone else take the fall for this. I needed to atone for all that I've done. I killed that girl, plain and simple."

"Have you already been tried?"

"Yes. Quick and swift...I made a deal, ten years and I sang like a birdie, I gave names and everything. Never thought I'd be a snitch but at least this way I can see Daniela in ten years instead of 30...if Anita even lets me. I mean, she's not here now so...I guess I still need to do more work on myself."

I gave a curt nod and he kept glancing at me...it was making me paranoid, thankfully Mami was here to keep steering the conversation.

"What about all the girls that worked for you?"

"Immunity. I may have been disbarred but I still know how to work the system."

"Look, I'm just concerned for my daughter, how this might affect her in her future career and as your ex-wife."

"It shouldn't affect her at all unless she wants it to. If I were her..." he looked me straight in my eyes with a pleading glance, "I would spend my energy taking care of my kids. Maybe even leave this rotten city. I just want Ana to keep her nose clean." he nodded at me and then looked at Gladys. "I'm really sorry for what I put your family through. My prima reminded me the other night of just how important family is. I had forgotten."

I sat in the car and just stared out of the window thinking about what Marco had said. Mami had stayed behind to talk to him a little more after I left, mainly things about what he needed in his commissary. She was doing what we Lopez's do best, she was paying him off.

Covering her bases.

The door to the car opened and my mother stepped inside with an air of confidence.

She looked over at me and I met her eyes.

"Put your seatbelt on."

"Not yet...I need to talk about this." I said as I placed a hand on the steering wheel.

"Right here?"

"Mami...do you think this is over? That we can just walk away so easily? I don't trust him."

"Yea...me either. I talked to him some more, asked him about the places you guys went that night, about cameras and people that you might come across. He says that the issue stayed between the two of you until you said something. I believed him. He told them that he had a friend help him dump the body...he said that he couldn't locate that person though. They know it was a woman and they are looking for her...for you. So you can either talk to the cops or go home. Either way I'm here to support you."

"What does he think that I should do?"

"He told you. He wants you to keep your nose clean. Stay out of it."

"And you?"

"I think that if you turn yourself in, you could get hit with 2nd degree murder, easily. You'd get a life sentence, mi'ja. You intended to kill someone with that bleach...even if it wasn't this girl. Marco is choosing to throw himself in front of you for this and I would let him but it's entirely up to you mija. Whatever you think will be able to absolve your conscience. Just know that if you want to go into politics or be famous...someone could dig this up if you do time or even get a deal. I just want the best for you, so tell me what you want. I have your back through anything, Nanita...even this."

I dropped my head and nodded as I thought it over. She was right but I was a woman of color in a crooked system. If they hadn't implicated me in a crime, then I wasn't going to just throw myself to the wolves. I had a sister and nephews to bury, an addiction to nix, and a son in the hospital.

Marco owed me so much and if he wanted to take the fall for this, I'd let him.

"T-Take me home."

"You're sure?"

"Yes." I said with finality.

Britt was waiting at the door for me when we got to the house, with a huge smile on her face.

She was like a beacon of light.

I went flying into her arms and openly wept on my front stoop not caring who saw.

Right now, every moment needed to revolve around my family.

I had come too close to losing them.

Life was too short to not learn from your mistakes.

Brittany's POV

I was super anxious after getting out of being tested and having a long voicemail from Ana.

She told me everything...how she intended to kill Mr. Evans with the bleach and that's why she thinks he shot at me. She told me how Marco had made a deal for less time and flipped on all his contacts but got immunity for all the girls who worked that summer. Which meant her.

He was going down for this and leaving her to raise Daniela without his influence, how she was thinking of turning herself in but wasn't sure yet and how she loved me.

I sat there on the front stoop, anxiously waiting for her when she texted and told me she was coming home.

The baby was inside with Q, who seemed equally nervous about things.

But when I saw her step out of the car, I couldn't help but smile.

She was beautiful, even with tear stained cheeks and a shaky smile.

I squeezed her tight and then whispered something good into her ear.

"I'm a perfect match."

And she broke, kissing my face over and over again on the front step in front of Q and her mom and the whole street.

"That's a-amazing."

And it was.

Maybe we'd be alright.