Chapter 38: Cross Me (Ed Sheeran & PnB Rock feat. Chance the Rapper)

Brittany's POV

After I got tested to see if I was a match for Ari, I went straight to see Izzy.

He was asleep when I got there and that twitch that he had after he was born was back.

At home he only had a mask on his face when he was getting a treatment but right now he had one, with no loud noise coming from a machine.

He had dark circles under his eyes and looked so lonely in there.

The baby whined in her carrier and brushed a hand over her little nearly bald head. The noise woke up Izzy though, his eyes opened and he looked so confused then his face wrinkled and he started to cry.

I reached my hand through the bars of his crib and touched his leg.

Our eyes met and he reached for me but with Dani in my arms, there was no way that I could pick him up too.

"Need some help?" A scratchy voice said from just behind me.

I turned to look and there was Frankie, standing there looking worse than I had ever seen her.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, my eyes back on my son.

"I never left. I lied. Me and Sio are separated at the moment and she took the baby with her to Cali. I got a call from Frank and August to come get tested for Ari. They told me where you were."

"Oh."

"I can hold her while you visit with him...I don't mind."

I knew how angry with Frankie, Ana had been and I knew that she probably wouldn't be a fan of Frankie holding our newborn but right now, Izzy needed that skin to skin from one of his parents.

So I unstrapped the baby from my chest and handed her to Frankie without much protest.

I waved at the nurse and she came over, looking way less nice than Nurse Becky but she still smiled down at my son.

"Is it alright if I hold him? When he was born we'd do skin to skin and it seemed to help...he looks so lonely."

"Are you his mother?" She asked picking up his chart, looking for the names of his parents.

"One of, yes. I'm Brittany Lopez."

She checked the chart again and then nodded curtly, her whole demeanor changed. I knew that look, it was the one that judgmental people back home would get when they saw two women being moms.

But she wasn't as rude as Lima people, instead she pointed to a glider next to his crib and waited for me to sit down.

Then she lifted up Izzy and put him into my outstretched arms.

Once he had his face pressed against my chest, he sighed.

He was clinging to me and I knew that it was going to be hard to let him go when it was time to leave but I would stay for as long as I was allowed to.

Just like his Mami, the moment he was cuddled in my arms, he fell asleep.

I glanced over at Frankie and she was staring back at me.

"This was what I wanted...with you." She said and I knew we were entering dangerous territory.

"Don't." I warned.

"I love my wife and I know that you love yours too but think about how good we could have been. Our babies dancing around our legs...far away from drugs and ultimatums. He wouldn't be in here right now."

"Frankie please...she's getting better. I can't listen to you rant about Santana. Not again...I mean you like her, you're friendly but every time you get in your feelings, you tell me how much better we could be."

"I'm sorry."

"You're not."

"Just...can you promise me that if there's ever a chance again...for us. That you'll let me know?"

"No...that's just it. She has my heart and my kids. Santana is everything for me no matter what. I will always work to make our lives better. She's my OTP. I will never not be with her."

"Never say never, B."

"NEVER." I said and then I went back to rocking my son when he began to whine, until he fell asleep again. Once he did, I eased him back into his crib and then took Dani back from her. "I think you should go."

"Just like that?"

"Yes, you need to go back to California and go fix your shit with your wife. Make her your priority. I'm never going to be an option for you, Frankie. Ever."

"You've told me things like that before but then you still hit on me in my car...remember?"

"Look, I will choose Santana EVERY TIME. If you can't get that, I can't be your friend anymore. I appreciate all the stuff you've done for me, getting me this job and letting me stay with you for a bit but that was because we were friends nothing more. She is my everything. I got confused before, my brain was all messed up but now, I'm not. I know what I want and what I need, both of those things are Santana. Got it?"

"Got it."

My conversation with Frankie had set me on edge, all I wanted after that was to go home to my wife and make love to her. I wanted to feel her all around me and make her understand that I was hers. That even through all this bullshit with the pills and whatever drama Marco had wrapped her in, that I was going to still be hers.

It wasn't until today that I realized what Mom had say all those months ago. I could never leave my 80 for my 20 and I didn't want to.

So, it was with that kind of feeling in my heart and mind that I went home with every intention to be the love and teammate that my wife needed.

What I didn't expect was to have to do that from the very first moment that I saw her.

After months of dealing with her coke addiction, there a few things I have come to know as a fact...first of those things is recognizing when my wife is coming down from a high.

When I told her that I was a match and she kissed me with a horny growl in her throat even in front of her mother, I had my suspicions.

"Are you staying for dinner?" I asked Gladys, even though I really wanted her to leave.

"Oh, no. I am going to see a show with Hector tonight. He's been on his own all morning, Lord only knows what he's gotten himself into."

She hugged me tight and then kissed my wife's face before heading out.

Quinn gave hugs and kisses before rushing out the door while she dragged Rachel along with her, to keep an eye on her.

A part of me wondered if she really had a class or if she had seen it too and was giving us space and taking the other addict with her.

Whatever her reason, I was grateful that it was just me, Ana, and a baby who was just one hour from her bedtime.

"How'd it go today, baby?" I asked her as I watched her rearrange the refrigerator.

"G-Good...wh-where is my uh...shit it's a mess in here." She mumbled. Finally, she grabbed a bottle of water and closed the door.

Dani was babbling as I held her cradled like a football. I tried to play it cool as I watched Ana put her water down and scratch up and down her arms before rubbing her palms. At least that's what she did until she noticed I was watching.

Her eyes dropped and then she chugged her water down.

Coke highs can last about a half hour for her...if she takes just one hit but if she takes more than one...well that's at least and hour and a half.

She had been alone with her mom all morning so there was no way.

That's what I told myself.

She hadn't used coke since May, that I knew for sure. Even when she found Carmen's coke, she didn't take any of it but then her brain got broken a bit and her sister and nephews died...up until today she'd been worried about Ari and then there was Marco...so many things had changed.

In the past six months the amount of deaths was daunting.

Ian.

Nico.

Abuela.

Court.

Sandra's unborn baby.

Brenda.

Ethan Jr.

Brendan.

How could she even keep her head up?

Not to mention that I had gone into crisis and she'd nearly died herself.

The fact that she'd been able to stay away from coke this long was a miracle.

And I needed her to know that I understood.

This wasn't pills, something she was just using to zone out...this was her achilles heel.

I wouldn't punish her for this, not in the way that other people would expect me to.

No, she needed something else entirely.

Frankie would be laughing in my face right now but fuck her for thinking that I would turn my back on Ana...ever again.

"What do you want to eat for dinner?" I asked her, once I was sure she wasn't high in this moment and passed the baby to her. She was feeding her with a bottle thankfully as she smiled down at her.

My wife was still here, at least enough for me to not feel super worried as I stood there waiting for an answer.

"Not h-hungry." She muttered.

"Tough shit, baby...you're not skipping any meals. Tell me what you want?"

She looked up at me in shock...once again, I was on edge.

"Uh...wow. Um...wh-whatever you make."

"Leftovers from yesterday?" I asked, knowing that was the most simple thing.

"Sure." She said, dazed looking and then she was staring at the baby again, whispering sweet things to her as I heated up two plates for us.

I kept wavering, was she or wasn't she coming down from something?

Was I being paranoid?

Her phone rang and she stared down it for a long moment, then she glanced back at me and I smiled at her.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah." She muttered and then went back to looking at our little girl. Her phone went off again, twice in the time it took me to put our plates on a serving tray with drinks.

"Let's eat upstairs, so we can have some us time."

"Okay." She said, getting up from the table and cradling the baby just like the precious thing she was. I hated how nervous she seemed and knew she needed to not be concerned with me being upset with her. The best way to do that was to distract her.

I carried the tray up the stairs as she rode by my side in the chair lift.

"I saw Izzy today, he's not doing much better. The doctor told me that he's going to be there for at least a week. I told him about the funeral coming up and he promised me Izzy wouldn't be getting out any time soon."

"Oh. Th-That makes me...h-happy and sad." She admitted.

I put the tray down on the window sill and then helped her out of the chair. The baby was calm and looking milk drunk. Keeping her in the room with us had been the constant.

Right now though, Ana needed to be able to break without getting the baby worked up. So, I nodded towards the nursery and then picked up the tray and followed my wife, watching and waiting as she changed a diaper and then swaddled Dani.

She was a natural and I loved watching her.

I just wish she truly understood her greatness.

Ana was on to me, kinda. She was just not ruffling my feathers, like normal.

Instead, she ate dinner without complaint and then she rode the chair lift down and put the tray in the kitchen while I gave the baby a bath.

By the time I was back in the room, I was convinced that I had just been overly nervous after my argument with Frankie.

I went into the closet to change my clothes and there she was at her vanity, nose to the glass snorting a line.

My gut hadn't lied.

She took a small breath and started a second line but then she stopped abruptly. Her hand flew to her chest and she was gasping for air.

Our eyes met in the mirror and she looked panicked.

I ran into our bedroom and grabbed her inhaler before running back and shoving it between her lips.

There were tears in her bouncing eyes now.

She was learning the lesson that I couldn't teach her.

Coke would kill her.

This wasn't a year or two ago.

Her body wasn't the same and she couldn't just be casual about coke.

After she took two puffs, she sat there staring down at the coke and then she began sobbing, her shaky hands covering her face.

"Sorry, Sorry, Sorry! Fuck!" She muttered. I knelt by her side and pulled her body against mine.

She was shaking so hard and her breaths were coming in shallow.

The pump hadn't been enough.

She needed a treatment but her machine was downstairs.

I lifted her up, even though my shoulder was screaming.

Had I not seen her eat twice today, I would have thought she hadn't eaten in forever because she felt no heavier than Izzy.

My wife was falling apart and I wouldn't allow myself to feel helpless.

"Shh Shh Shh, it's okay. I got you baby."

I carried her to the nursery, put her in the glider beside the crib and then began to prepare a double breathing treatment for her.

There were footsteps coming and I knew Q was home.

"You guys up?" She asked, poking her head into the nursery. "What's going on?"

I looked at Q and then at Ana and shook my head.

"Just breathing issues. We're fine."

Quinn didn't look like she believed me but she didn't put up a fight.

But this time, I kinda wish she did.

Dealing with Ana was a full time job when she was doing drugs and I already had a full time job...two of them. Dancing and being a mom.

I signed up for this though.

Ana was my responsibility, not Quinn's.

What I wanted more than anything was to keep this slip up between us.

So I wouldn't make a big deal...she was at a low and I would help her back up.

I could do this.

Me and her against the world.

That's how it had to be.

Santana's POV

I've done some incredibly fucked up shit. I regret way more than I am proud of but more than anything, I never felt lower than the moment that my wife was forced to watch me get high and then save my life...again.

To top it off, Quinn, the nosiest of all the people in my life, shows up and B has every reason to rat me out but she doesn't.

Instead, she puts a mask on my face and then sweetly sings to me.

And I couldn't help but cry because I don't deserve her.

Not now...maybe not ever and it kills me that I'm dragging her sunshine and light down with me.

The last thing that she needs is to bury her wife.

And here I am, just throwing all her joy and sweetness down the crapper.

I need to be better.

For her.

So even as my body craved more coke, I ignored it because I would rather die a thousand times, than to see that look of disappointment and sadness cross her face because of me.

I don't care anymore that she choked me because it's no worse than the shit I've been doing to myself.

How can I expect her to value my life, when I haven't been valuing myself?

Marco had given me an out that I didn't deserve. I intended to kill a person, just because it wasn't the right person, doesn't mean, that I didn't contribute to someone dying. I committed atrocities fully sober and I don't think for a second that if she had been in her right mind, she would have ever hurt me.

Now that she is level, I need to meet her there.

I need to appreciate what I have in her and I need to start fucking appreciating my own life.

The tears were soaking my face as I stared past her to the crib.

My baby girl was two months old and deserved parents that were going to love her, a hell of a lot more than my parents ever did.

This couldn't be my pattern.

I made my decision then.

Rehab after the funerals.

My sister had died and I had to keep living for her...for the boys...for Ian...for that girl, who's body was buried in an unmarked grave.

I needed penance.

God, I needed more than I deserved.

Once the treatment finished and I had enough strength to stand. I followed Britt into the bedroom.

"C-Can we take a b-bath?" I asked her, feeling way too sensitive and Britt just smiled at me.

"Sure. Bubbles?"

"Please?"

She got the bubbles and I turned on the water.

The treatment had erased my high and I was just feeling the come down so hard.

I was cold and my skin was crawling, the high from that morning had been easy...I'd cleaned a whole house with it.

Then the one from just after seeing Marco, amazing but this one was too much.

It nearly killed me and had my wife not trusting me.

This was no way to go on.

Be smart, Lopez. Damn.

My body shivered again and I felt unhinged.

I didn't take off my clothes until the water was steaming and ready.

Britt stepped in first and then eased down into the heat before I took off my clothes.

She was watching me like it was her first time seeing me naked and not the ten billionth.

Once I was in the tub and her arms were around me...I felt calmer...even if I was still shaking.

"Was it this morning when you went to get the sandwiches?"

"Yes." I answered.

"How much did you buy?"

I shrugged and she just waited me out. "Hundred bucks worth."

"Which is what...four bags?"

"Yes." How did she know that?

"So how much do you have left?"

"A bag...and what's in the cl-closet."

"Do you want to finish it?" She asked, like it was a movie or something

"Yes." I admitted. "B-But no."

"Your body is craving but you don't want to do it again?"

"Exactly."

"Do you think you are your dad yet?"

The question made me gasp.

"No."

"I want to keep my promise to you."

"Th-Thanks, B. I know I need re-rehab...but I w-won't hurt the kids. I promise you."

And I meant it.

I was awakened that night by the phone buzzing. I reached for it before it could wake up, B.

"Yes?" I grumbled.

"Mari had the baby."

It was Sandra.

"She did?" I sat up and glanced at the clock. It was just after 2.

"Yes, so we are going to plan the funerals for this weekend...she should be okay to fly by then. Gladys told me she chartered a jet, are you coming then?"

I felt the bed shift and turned to see Britt staring at me hard...like I had woken her out of a good dream...one where I wasn't a space cadet junkie. My sister cleared her throat and I focused back on the conversation and her question.

"Sure."

"Okay, get back to sleep. Call me in the morning."

"Okay."

"I love you, Santana."

Her use of my full name shocked me but then I realized that she was in L.A. prepping our dead sisters service...she was feeling sentimental and I'm sure once I'm there, feeling the heaviness of it all, I'll feel it too.

"I love you too, S-Sandra."

"Everything okay?" Britt mumbled as I curled back into her arms.

"M-Mari had the baby."

"Oh that's awesome! We all needed some good news."

"Y-You're a match." I reminded her.

"Right, there's also that. I have an appointment with Ari and her doctors tomorrow. Do you want to come? I got the rest of the week off because of the funerals and since I need to prep my body for the transplant."

"Yes. D-Don't leave me al-alone."

"Oh, baby, I don't plan on it. Ever."

The rational part of me knew she meant that as a good thing, something to be secure about but my irrational self saw the other side.

She'd never leave me alone because she'd never trust me and she had every right to feel that way.

Brittany's POV

I held tight to Ana's hand as we made our way from the appointment with Ari and her doctors, which was really just telling me to eat clean, don't drink and try to avoid sick people for the next week while Ari got more chemo.

We would do the transplant as soon as we got back and hopefully, it would be enough to save her life.

Ana prayed over Ari and then Ari prayed over Ana.

I just stood to the side and let them have their moment.

And I watched Ari's face as Ana told her what she'd done.

I had known she was going to break at some point. She never could lie to Ari, she seemed to be the only person that was able to get Ana to tell the truth at all times.

What must that be like?

I swallowed back the bitterness when I saw Ari quietly scolding Ana but my wife didn't cry, like she would with me instead she just nodded along. Then Ari looked over at me and crooked her finger.

When I got to them, Ari touched my arm.

"She is going to rehab when you guys get back. Right, Anita?"

"Yeah." Ana said, jutting out her chin and looked at me like she had something to prove. What the hell had Ari said to her?

"Look, Britt, you are a saint when it comes to her and now me. Make sure you aren't hiding your light...that's how you got off track last time. Right?"

I had told Ari that in confidence but now she was saying it in front of my wife.

Ana's eyes got wide.

"Did I d-dim your light, B?"

"Yes, a little but we're good now. I'm good."

"Shit." She said. "I'll do better."

"Can we go see Izzy now, please?" I begged.

Ari knew she'd planted the seed and happily hugged us before leaving us in the hallway with a heaviness between us.

One that probably needed to be out there.

She was trying to keep me from losing myself and hurting Ana, so I couldn't even be mad at her. It's something I would have done...it's something I have done.

It didn't feel so good coming back to me though.

"Ready?" She asked and then took my hand.

Every bit of sadness that clung to my wife seemed to melt away when she saw Izzy.

He was sitting up in the crib holding his Elmo and watching it on the screen.

Usually nothing could tear him away but then Ana spoke to him.

"Hey Papa." She said and his head snapped towards her. He whined and held his arms out to her.

The nurse came and took the mask off of him, then handed him to Ana without questioning her.

Probably because he had her face but that didn't mean, she didn't side eye me still.

"Whoa, B. Wh-What's the face about?" She asked as she got Izzy comfortable on her lap. He was back to watching the television but he snuggled against Ana's boobs and shoved his thumb in his mouth...surprise of all surprises, she just looked at him and shrugged.

"Uh...you're just going to allow him to do it?"

"We all h-have our hang ups." She said. "Wh-What did the nurse do?"

"She made a big deal about me being his mom yesterday. It's fine, she still let me hold him."

"W-Want me to talk to her?"

"No. I just want to enjoy our time with Izzy. Screw her."

"Skuar." Izzy said trying to repeat me.

Ana looked at him and then at me.

"T-Time for us to t-talk nicer."

"Yeah it is."

I moved closer to her and Izzy, watching Elmo on the screen and allowing myself to relax.

Ana was still shaking but she was trying her best to not make it into a big deal.

She was trying to be present.

Trying like hell to not let her sadness lead her to a dark place and I was so dang proud of her.

Santana's POV

I practically clung to Britt all day long and she seemed to encourage it.

We went out to lunch together for the first time without kids in forever.

She held my hand on top of the table and when it shook from a tremor, she'd just bring it to her lips and kiss my knuckles.

The more faith she showed in me, the more I felt like I had something to prove to her and to myself.

"It's good to see you trying, baby."

"It's g-good to try."

"Is there anything else you want to do today?"

"A meeting." I said and she nodded.

"We can do that. Anything else?"

"C-Celia never t-took her sp-spare keys back."

"You want to go to Brooklyn? Feeling like this?"

I hesitated...then I remembered telling her how that whole borough was a trigger for me.

And I was still feeling the coke running through me.

She was right.

"Th-Then I think maybe I need to write and p-play at home."

"No. You need time away from home...I have just the place."

I loved when she had an idea and her whole face lit up.

It was the best thing ever.

She sent out a text, probably to Mami, who had come and taken the baby this morning out of the blue.

Or at least it felt out of the blue, with the way that Britt kind of takes control of the mundane shit behind the scenes, maybe she is the true puppet master. She did always seem to understand Sue more than anyone and there was no greater puppet master than Sue Sylvester.

"Do you?"

"Yes. Finish your food so we can go."

It took me way too long to figure out where we were going because I was having a flashback to the time that I went to the tent city under the bridge and distributed coke like fucking Santana Claus.

Britt snapped her fingers in front of my face to get my attention again and I realized we were parked at the theater.

Then I remembered playing piano for Ari.

"B, you're a genius."

"I know."

"Come on."

At some point in the past, I had doubted if Brittany could ever take care of me.

I didn't think I would ever be able to fully get over myself and let her take care of things for me.

Now though, I could see that I judged her too quickly.

Brittany was turning out to be my savior and not because she was my innocent, safe place like in high school.

It was because she was stepping up to be my partner, my wife, my saving grace.

She sat me at the piano with blank pieces of music sheets and a felt tipped marker.

Then she went up to the stage and began to stretch.

I watched her for a bit before stretching my fingers and starting off with my old go to Sonata.

And as I played, she began to twirl like a ballerina in a music box.

When I was a kid, I played for Ari like this and she'd dance for me.

I thought I'd never know love like that again...and then I met Britt.

And I've come to realize, that I was right.

I'll never know love like Ari...just like I'll never know love like Britt either.

They were both these beacons of light in my life and I couldn't do this thing without them.

Now one was about to save the other's life and it just felt so poetic.

And then the words came.

Quinn's POV

When Britt had told me that she and San were coming to the theater to get some frustration out, I thought she meant sex.

Then she texted me and told me that her Gladys had the baby all day, that I should bring Rachel and we could all get our stress out together...I was kinda stunned.

"Are you sure this is okay?" Rachel asked me as I typed the code into the keypad to get into the building.

"We were invited."

I hadn't told Rachel much, just that we were going to Britt's theater to get out some steam.

She seemed really nervous about it and it was kind of enjoyable to watch.

Then I pushed through the doors and watched Santana playing the piano while Britt danced on stage.

"I never knew she could play like that."

"You don't know a lot about Santana."

"Apparently."

We made our way down the center aisle and San didn't even pay us any mind as she stopped playing so she could scribble down the notes.

I slid on the bench next to her and began my end of chopsticks. She didn't even glare she just kissed my cheek and followed along.

The moment of levity was great.

And I knew just who to thank for it.

Britt was twirling around happily and then she had Rachel's hands in hers and was pulling her into the dance.

"Can I?" I asked San as I picked up the music sheet.

"Go ah-head. Just wrote it." I looked it over and felt tears come to my eyes.

"Sing it for me?"

She looked unsure but I set up the sheets on the piano and then whistled towards the stage.

Rachel and B stopped and looked at us.

"S-She wants me to play and sing." San said to B.

"Well what are you waiting for baby?"

San turned back to me and looked down at the bench.

"Right, my bad." I got off the bench and watched her readjust herself.

Then she played the most beautiful song I had ever heard.

I just wanted to lock her in a studio and have her play that song and more like it until she had nothing left.

This was her calling and I could see from the serene look on her face, that if she stuck to it...it'd probably save her life.