Title: Nightmares
Author: SneetchesToo
Rating: Teen
Pairing: Ethan/Rox
Summary: Rox is tired of Ethan worrying about her. Ethan is tired of Rox pushing him away.
Author's Note: This is the fight to end all fights, but I assure you that it's going to get better. It just has to get bad first.
—
Ethan couldn't remember the last time he had ever been so exhausted.
In fact, he was pretty sure that he never had been.
After he and Rox had gotten home from the wedding last night they had made love.
And boy had it been good.
But then she had started to shy away from him and she had started to push him to the side and he had felt his heart breaking.
They had come so far and yet it didn't seem to be making any bit of difference.
He felt like they were back at square one again.
Like he had to completely re-earn her trust.
He hated the idea of losing her, because he felt like he had finally gotten her right where he wanted her, but she seemed to have other plans when it came to their relationship.
And he hated it.
Absolutely hated it.
They had showered quietly, her body trembling as she went through the motions.
It was almost like she was in shock. Like she didn't know what had just happened.
And he felt so broken by her behavior that he had a hard time keeping the tears from his eyes.
After drying off they had both collapsed into her bed and he had been asleep before his head had fully settled against the pillow.
But then he was awoken an hour later to her sobbing, and he hadn't been able to stop himself from pulling her into his arms and holding her tight.
She had allowed him to comfort her for a few minutes, but then she was shoving him away and telling him to let her be.
And that was how the rest of their night had gone.
He would doze off for an hour or two, only to wake up to her crying.
And he would try his best to comfort her, only to have her push him away.
By the time morning had rolled around, his alarm going off to signal that it was quarter after seven and he needed to get his ass in gear, he had barely been able to hold his eyes open.
And he had dragged himself from the bed and into the shower with a low growl.
He had dropped a kiss to Rox's head before leaving, telling her that he loved her and that he wanted her to try and rest, and then he had let himself out.
That had been a few hours ago and he was struggling to keep his head above water.
He knew that everyone could see that he was barely hanging on and he was honestly surprised that no one had commented on it yet.
That was until he ran into Noa in the break room and she broke the silence.
"You look exhausted." Her voice was soft and he was thankful that she was alone. He didn't think that he could handle dealing with Mario right now too. "Did you get any sleep last night?"
"Not really." He whispered.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, willing his migraine to go away.
He had already had three cups of coffee and none of them were doing him any good.
"How'd the wedding go yesterday?" He was shocked that she remembered him mentioning the special event on Friday before he had left for the day.
"Great." He leaned back against the counter as he brought his fourth cup of coffee up to his lips.
"Let me guess," She raised an eyebrow in his direction as she leaned back against the counter opposite him, "you and Rox spent the night together last night didn't you?"
"Yes, Noa, we spent the night together." He didn't know what that had to do with anything though.
They spent almost every night together.
How in the world did that relate to his lack of sleep?
"Too much wild sex keep you up?" He nearly spit out the sip of coffee he had just taken and he shot Noa a look.
"Noa?!" He couldn't believe her.
Well, actually, he could.
But still, it was none of her business what he and Rox did in there spare time.
Or if it kept them both up all night.
"What? It's not like we don't all know that you two can't keep your hands to yourself." There was a soft smile on her face and he knew that she while she was being serious about the topic at hand, she was also just joking around with him. "And I've seen the way you look at each other. It's dangerous being around you two sometimes."
"We're not that bad." He and Rox were grown adults who happened to be in love with each other. What was the harm in them being all heart-eyes over each other? "Are we?"
"You totally are." She offered him an eye roll as she stepped forward, grabbing a cup from beside him and pouring herself some coffee.
"Well I'm sorry." In reality, he wasn't the least bit sorry. They were very, very attracted to each other and he couldn't help himself from wanting to touch her constantly. He didn't understand how that was a problem. It's not like he ever did anything at work. Yet. "And no, wild sex didn't keep me up all night."
He wished he had been kept awake all night by wild sex with Rox.
He would have given anything to have had her naked body in his arms all night.
Instead, he had spent the entire night trying to save her from some sort of nightmare that he wasn't privy too.
He wished that she would have just told him what was bothering her.
He would have done anything to help her.
"Everything okay?" Noa's question was soft as she eyed from her spot next to him.
"Rox has nightmares sometimes." He didn't know if Rox would care that he was sharing this information with the younger girl, but he needed to confide in someone, and Leanne was nowhere to be found. "Bad ones. They can be pretty intense."
"Let me guess," She raised an eyebrow at him as she took a sip of her coffee, "last night she had some of those nightmares?"
"Several of them actually." He let out a soft sigh, his eyes closing at the memory of Rox screaming out in pain and horror. Whatever demons she was fighting off were worse than he knew what to do with. "I don't know what set them off, but it was bad. I felt so helpless. Absolutely nothing that I did worked to comfort her."
"I'm sorry Ethan." She patted his arm before moving back to her space across from him. He could see the wheels turning in her head and he wondered what she was thinking. "Has she ever talked to anyone about them? You know, like a professional?"
"She saw a therapist for a few weeks after her accident." In reality, he was pretty sure she only went to the three mandated sessions before giving up. She wasn't one to open up to others, especially strangers, and he knew that talking to someone about her problems had been hard for her. "But they focused on her recovery from that and once they cleared her she never went back."
"She should have kept going." Noa's words echoed his thoughts exactly.
He had tried to encourage her to keep going. He had tried to tell her that it would help.
But it had lead to a fight and so he had thrown his hands up and walked out.
If she wasn't willing to try and get better he hadn't been in the right headspace to help her.
Not back then anyway.
Not when everything was still so fresh.
Her accident had shattered him and almost losing Ariel had been the straw that broke the camel's back.
He had remained strong for Rox, and for Leanne, but the amount of self-guilt that he dealt with had been enough to make him question his sanity.
Even after realizing that he was losing it when he saw Robbie's ghost walking around.
Even after they locked him in that damn psych hold in San Diego.
He knew he was spiraling downward and he had forced himself to suck it up for Rox's sake.
She needed him to be strong, and up until now, he felt as though he had been doing her justice.
"You're telling me." He whispered.
"Have you tried suggesting that to her?" She should have known that Ethan wasn't one to back down from a challenge. Of course he had tried convincing her to see someone again.
"A few times. It always ends in a fight." But once again, it always ended in a screaming match.
And he was so incredibly tired of fighting with her about every little thing.
"I could try talking to her if you want." He snapped his head up at the woman's comment and offered her a soft smile.
"No Noa, it's okay." He knew that Noa and Rox were friends. He knew that she just wanted what was best for the other woman, just like he did. But he also knew that she wouldn't take kindly to someone else suggesting that she was in need of a little extra help. "I just gotta find a way to get through to her."
"She trusts you Ethan." He let out a snort at her comment, he wasn't to sure about that anymore. "She shouldn't be so afraid to open up to you."
"If you knew what she'd been through, you'd understand." It wasn't an excuse. Her abusive past, the torment and pain that she'd been put through, it wasn't an excuse for pushing him away like she was.
But he wanted to believe that it was.
He wanted to believe that she was just so broken that she couldn't handle the love he had to give.
He figured that was better than trying to come to terms with the fact that maybe she really just didn't trust him like she should.
"Well, let me know if you need any help." She smiled back at him brightly as she downed the rest of her coffee before tossing the cup into the bin beside him. "I don't mind lending an ear to either one of you."
"Thanks kid. I appreciate it." And he did appreciate it.
He was thankful for her friendship, especially in the last few months. And while they weren't as close as they had been before Rox's accident had dragged him away, he was still glad that the girl seemed to respect him and think of him as a friend.
Especially after everything he had been through.
Ethan had stayed put in the kitchen for another five minutes, just staring off into space, when his pager had gone off and he had been summoned to Center Stage.
He had tossed his half-full cup of coffee into the trash with a huff and headed out the door without another thought.
He had worked through the crisis at hand without more than a few words to the people around him and when Leanne had shot him look after he yelled at Elliot over a stupid mistake he had excused himself to get some air.
She had started to follow him, but he had heard Noa tell her to leave it be.
He was both thankful, and regretful for that.
After getting himself together some he had wandered back into the hospital and he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Rox entering the building from the ambulance bay.
He didn't understand why she was at work.
She should have stayed home and rested.
He had already told Campbell that she was feeling under the weather and he honestly hadn't expected her to show up with how badly she had been feeling last night and this morning.
"Hey you!" He picked up his pace and he watched as she stopped, her shoulders slumping as he neared her.
He didn't understand why she didn't seem happy to see him.
"Feeling any better?" He stopped next to her and he could see the bags under her eyes. The way her mouth didn't turn upward into a smile. The way she was moving slower than normal.
He hated that she did this to herself.
"A little." She whispered.
She refused to make eye contact with him though and he let out a sigh when she crossed her arms over her chest in a defensive manner.
He knew that she was angry with him, he just didn't understand why.
"Did you ever fall back to sleep after I left?" He reached out and pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear, but she shrugged away from him before he could finish the task.
"No." She said softly. "I watched a little TV before giving up and getting ready."
He let out a sigh at her words.
He didn't understand why she was tearing herself apart like this.
"You should have called out today." He let his hand fall to her arm, but she once again shrugged out of his touch. "I talked to Campbell, told him you were sick. He would have understood."
"No point." She huffed out, pulling herself away from him and heading back out the way she had just came. He hurriedly followed behind her, unsure of why she was so desperate to get away from him. "There's work to be done, I'm capable of doing it."
"You sure about that?" It's not that he wanted to doubt her ability to do her job, but he knew that she wasn't in the best headspace and that was never a good way to handle things.
"Ethan please... don't start this now." She stopped dead in her tracks as she turned to face him, a look of anger on her face that he hadn't seen a while.
She normally just got aggravated with him, not full on mad.
But this was different.
And they both knew it.
"I'm worried about you Rox." He whispered. "I just want you to be okay."
He really just wanted her to stop shutting him out.
He wanted her to stop treating him like the bad guy.
He loved her. He didn't understand why she couldn't see that.
"I'm fine!" She shouted. A few heads turned in their direction and he dropped his head downward. He hated it when she made a scene. "I just want everyone to stop treating me like I'm so fragile. I'm a grown woman, I can look out for myself."
And with that she was gone, her long legs carrying her back toward her rig and away from him.
He felt the tears pricking at his eyes as he watched her walk away.
He didn't understand what he had done wrong, but he had a feeling that this wasn't something he was going to be able to fix.
And it was breaking him in two.
He had barely made it through the rest of his shift without breaking down.
And it had been Ariel giving him a gentle nudge in the right direction for him to get his head screwed on remotely straight.
But her words had comforted him enough to get him through until it was his turn to go, so he had let them echo in his head until he was ready to walk out the door.
He had seen Rox bring in a few more patients later that afternoon, but she hadn't so much as made eye contact with him, so he had avoided speaking to her as well.
When he was finally free from the confines of Angels concrete walls he had grabbed his stuff and headed for the parking lot as quickly as he could.
The sight of Rox closing up her rig for the night had stopped him dead in his tracks.
He knew that he should just leave her be. That she obviously didn't want anything to do with him. But he was a glutton for punishment when it came to her.
"I'm heading home if you wanna come." His words were soft as he stopped beside her.
He watched as she let out a sigh, her hands falling away from the ambulance's door and resting at her sides.
"No thanks." She whispered.
"Okay." He whispered back. "I'll see you tomorrow then."
He really didn't want to wait until tomorrow to see her.
He wanted to take her home and undress her slowly and spend the entire night reminding her just how much he loved and cherished her.
He wanted to fix whatever he had broken.
"Bye." She didn't even bat an eyelash as she started to walk away from him.
He swallowed as tears came to his eyes.
She didn't even put up a fight at the prospect of being away from him for the evening.
Normally she wasn't one to like being alone at night.
"Rox, wait." He called after her and he watched as she stopped dead in her tracks.
He could see the fight and the will leave her body and it crushed him.
It was obvious that she didn't want to make this better.
Not this time.
"What do you want Ethan?" Her question was soft as she turned to face him and he could see the ache in her eyes from whatever was torturing her.
"I really don't wanna go home to an empty bed." And he didn't. He wanted to wrap her up in his arms and smother her with kisses and tell her over and over again how much he loved her. "Please come with me."
"No Ethan." Her voice shook as she spoke and he knew the end was coming. "I need some time."
"Time for what?" He didn't understand what she needed time for.
They had been fine yesterday.
In fact, they had been better than fine.
She had talked about dancing with him at their wedding.
She had held his hand and laughed at his corny jokes in front of his friends.
She had been naked and willing and falling apart underneath of him only twenty-four hours ago.
He didn't understand how they had gone from that, to this.
"Time to process everything." What was there to process? He didn't understand what was going on. Where had he gone wrong? "I just... you can't keep treating me like a child and expecting everything to be okay."
"I'm not treating you like a child." And he wasn't, was he? He was worried about her. She was clearly struggling. And as her boyfriend, it was his job to help her through this. That's how things worked. "I'm treating you like my girlfriend, who I'm very worried about."
"Well don't be." She crossed her arms over her chest as she set her lips in a stern expression. He knew that she meant business and it scared him. "I'm fine."
"Your nightmares last night said otherwise." He knew he shouldn't have brought them up, but they had scared him.
She had scared him.
He had never seen her so broken and afraid.
"I get them sometimes Ethan, you know this." She huffed out her words as she rolled her eyes at him. "It's not that big of a deal."
Except it was a big deal.
A very big deal.
People didn't have nightmares like that for no reason.
They didn't scream and cry and thrash around in bed for hours on end over nothing.
"Well it is to me. You scared me last night. You wouldn't even let me hold you it was so bad." The fact that she had pushed him away had been his breaking point. He just wanted to help her and he didn't understand why she was making this so hard on them both. "I just want you to be okay. I don't want you to have to live with these things anymore. It isn't fair to you, or to me."
"Well then walk away if you don't like it." Her words were like a knife to the chest.
Did she really want him to just leave her?
Wasn't that what she was used too? Wasn't that what she had been afraid of this whole time?
That he would just up and leave her like every man had before?
"Rox, please..." He stepped toward her but she held a hand out defensively.
"No!" She shouted at him. "If you don't like it, leave! I don't need this!"
He felt his heart shatter into a million pieces.
Had their relationship really meant so little to her?
They had been together almost six months. That was half a year.
Had he really just spent all that time for nothing?
"You're just looking for an excuse to break up aren't you?" Now he was mad and he could feel his blood boiling in his veins. "You want out so badly that you'll use whatever excuse you can find."
"It's not an excuse!" Her face was turning red and he could see her hands starting to shake as she waved them around in front of her.
He had crossed a line.
But then again, so had she.
"For once in your life Rox just be honest with me." He dropped his head as he spoke. He didn't want to see the look on her face when she answered him. "Do you want to break up?"
"I..." She hesitated, her voice trembling with the simple word.
"Do you?" He lifted his head despite his better judgement. He could see the heartbreak in her eyes. The way she was terrified of what was to come. "Because if you're not happy, if you want out, I'd rather end it now than continue to be dragged along."
He didn't want to waste another six months if she wasn't invested.
If she wanted out, fine, he'd let her out.
He couldn't, and wouldn't, force her to be with him.
"I love you and I don't wanna lose you," He felt the fight leave his own body, his shoulders slumping as he whispered, "but I can't continue to be the only one in this relationship putting forth any effort."
"I just think... I think maybe we need some space." Her words made his heart stop. "Some time apart, to get ourselves together."
"You mean, you need some time apart? To get yourself together?" She was the one struggling with letting him in. She was the one who clearly needed to get herself together. But he didn't understand why she wouldn't let him help her do just that. "Because I'm already together and I'm fine and I know exactly what I want from you."
"Ethan, please, I'm tired." He could see the exhaustion written on her face and for a second he felt bad for her. "Can we just agree to disagree on this and move on?"
"Do you want to breakup?" He asked the question again, his heart prepared for the worst.
"I..." And again, she hesitated.
"Do. You. Want. To. Break. Up?" He punctuated each word with a jab of his hand in her direction.
"I think it's for the best." She whispered.
He let out a growl, his heart sinking to his stomach, his eyes filling with tears.
"Fine." He huffed out. "Have a nice life."
And with that he turned and walked away from her as fast as his legs would carry him.
She had broken him.
Into a thousand little pieces.
And she didn't seem to care one bit.
"Ethan...!" He heard her calling his name from behind him, but he didn't stop. "Ethan?"
He couldn't stop.
He wouldn't stop.
Because as bad as her nightmares may have been last night.
The ones he was going to have tonight were going to be way worse.
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