Chapter 39: God Gave Me You (Blake Shelton)

Santana's POV

Once I had kick started my addiction again, it had started plaguing me at every turn but I stuck by Britt's side.

By Wednesday, I was itching to get the hell out of New York and so was Q.

She and my sister had been barely speaking because of Rachel being at the house and I felt totally responsible for it but if the tables were turned, I would do the same thing for Quinn and she for me.

It's just how we rolled, so even though she and Celia were at odds, she still didn't fully take it out on Rachel, instead she kept trying to push her towards rehab.

And Rachel was almost there, she just had to get out of her own self-pitying way. I hated seeing her like this and it was making me just irritated each time she walked into a room.

Our brief moment of combined celebration of the song that I had written had passed just 24 hours after it had happened, I was on the same page as Q...I wanted Rachel in rehab and preferably before I left New York on Thursday because Quinn had classes this week and wouldn't be coming until Friday...which meant that the two of them would be all alone in my house.

And while Q is practically the queen of teasing and not pleasing, she is human and has been historically a cheater.

We all know it...well Ceily doesn't...but Rachel knows and that's probably the worst thing of it all, if Rachel gave in to Quinn or vice versa, well shit would hit the fan big time.

"Are you s-sure you can't skip Friday?"

"I wish, San, but it's my most important midterm and since the deaths aren't my family, they aren't so willing to excuse me."

"Rude."

"Tell me about it. If I could have left, I would have gone on Monday with Ceily. She's been leaving me all these shitty voicemails about how she hopes I'm her ride or die...how she hopes that she has a home to come back to. Like shit you wouldn't expect a 28 year old woman to say."

"Sh-She's grieving...and needy."

"Yes, that's the Lopez trait and I can deal with it from you and I could deal with it from her...if she didn't also have this hangup over Rachel."

"S-Sorry."

"Don't be. She should trust me by now. Rachel is out of my system...has been for a very long time and even if she wasn't, there's no way I can be with an alcoholic after Russell."

"Well that is very good information to have." Rachel said as she walked into the room from the guest room. "Are you aware that you have terribly thin walls?" She asked me.

I shrugged as I snuggled deeper into the couch with my baby drooling on my shoulder.

"I am."

"Well what I said is the truth." Quinn doubled down. "Celia is my endgame. I want to be her wife and it makes her uncomfortable that you're here with me."

"Well then, you will be happy to know that news has made it back to my fathers and I am in the process of packing so I can get on a flight out there. They are none too pleased with my antics. My flight leaves this evening, Santana, thank you very much for allowing me to stay."

"Wh-What about rehab?" I asked her point blank.

"I am sure that after the spectacle that I have become in the New York scene, my parents will make sure that I get the proper treatment that will deliver me back to New York in the best light."

"Wait, you plan to come back to New York?" Q seemed floored by this.

"Certainly. This time, I will come with a plan and a more realistic outlook. I might apply to NYU and see if I can get into Tisch or maybe even Columbia."

"NYU sounds good." Quinn said back with a raised brow, not wanting Rachel to be that close to her.

"I will take that under advisement." To further her point, Rachel reached into her pocket and pulled out a set of keys that were already removed from a ring and put them down on the coffee table. "Thanks again."

After the door closed, Quinn was on her feet doing the silliest dance of celebration I had ever seen.

"Be nice." I whispered and she cackled.

"I'll do what I want." She sang at me and then twirled before falling next to me and smiling huge. "I have to text, C, she's gonna be thrilled."

"I bet."

Britt had still managed to keep my relapse from everyone including Quinn but that didn't mean she wasn't essentially scheduling my days so I wasn't ever alone for too long.

Just as Quinn was getting ready to leave for class, Britt burst through the door with grocery bags and a giant grin, like she hadn't planned being here exactly at the time Q was leaving.

"Guess what I found?" She said super giddy.

"What?"

"Red Vines! I know how much you love them more than Twizzlers."

"Uh...so do I." Quinn cut in as she adjusted her backpack.

"I know, that's why I got you one too!" She ran back into the kitchen and then came out with a giant bag of Red Vines, tossing it to Q like it was a football instead of candy. "There, you have that whole bag to yourself, so Ana can eat hers in peace."

"Sweet! Don't forget you wanted to go to a meeting tonight...I'll be back at 5." She said before dropping kisses on mine and Britt's cheeks before leaving.

I shifted the baby into her swing, hoping she'd sleep a while longer even though my aching boobs told me that she would be wanting milk very soon and I still couldn't feed her since it hadn't been 72 hours.

More pumping and dumping was in my future.

My fault.

Britt wrapped her arms around me and kissed me hard. The heaviness that I had been feeling all morning vanished. Every single time I could feel the darkness creeping in, she would sweep in and kiss it away.

Right now, while she was off, it was definitely saving me. My fear was what came after she was back at work and I was alone again.

"Wh-When is your surgery?" I asked as she held me close.

"Monday, then I'll stay overnight at the hospital and I'll be able to dance again in a few days. What's on your mind?"

Just then, I remembered my thin walls and glanced towards the guest room door.

"We can t-talk about it later. C-Can we go see Isaac now?"

"After lunch."

"B...please. I f-feel..." I glanced at the guest room door again. "Like I'm losing. I need a d-distraction."

Her eyebrows went up and then she glanced towards the baby, who was still asleep.

"Follow me." She said and then pulled me into the kitchen.

Once we were there, she pushed me up against the wall, next to the swinging door.

Then before I could question her, she had her hand shoved under my sweater dress and inside my panties.

I dropped my head against her shoulder.

"Fuck." I grunted. Her long fingers kept pumping as she pressed kisses along my jaw until her mouth was next to my ear.

"Does this help you, baby?"

"Yessss."

"When did you last eat?" She asked and I tried hard to focus.

"Wi-With you." I groaned.

"So...lunch...then...hospital." She said pressing me closer and closer to my orgasm.

"So cl-close." I was gripping her shoulders now as I moved my hips.

"Did you hear me?" She stopped her fingers and I whimpered.

"Yes."

"Tell me."

"Fuck." I groaned as she started lazily brushing my clit with her thumb. "L-Lunch...then hospital."

I could hear the guest room door open and then Rachel saying something to the baby, in that stupid baby voice she used as Britt pushed me towards release.

"Hurry up baby...come before she does."

"Fuck...shhhit. B!" I yelped as I came. She pulled her fingers out of me and shoved them in her mouth as the kitchen door swung open. I was adjusting my dress as my eyes met Rachel's.

She hesitated and then went to leave but I called after her.

"Wait!"

"I'm going to make lunch." B said and then started humming that Lollipop song on her way to the sink to wash her hands. "Rachel are you hungry."

"Um...that's incredibly nice of you. I actually wanted to let you know that I am on my way out. My cab is here."

"Oh." I pulled her into a hug and she stiffly patted my back before going for a hug with Britt but B just gave her a fist bump.

Rachel looked defeated but I patted her on the back.

"I'll walk you out." I said and she perked up a bit.

There were too many variables between here and Lima for her to leave this house feeling hurt.

I would do right by her so she knew at the very least, she had me.

Britt was true to her word, after we had lunch we gave the baby a bath and got her all changed and pretty before heading out.

Isaac was having a good day, even if his lungs still sounded crazy congested. Today he wanted to be in B's arms and I didn't fight him on it. As long as I got to see him, that was all that mattered.

"Well good afternoon ladies, I was hoping to run into you two." The doctor said, pulling up a chair across from us as Britt held Isaac and I fed the baby.

"It's good to see you too...give us good news, please?" Britt asked.

"Isaac's mold test came back, he doesn't have any high traces but it appears he does have an allergy to dust. I took the liberty of taking that little monster from him while he slept. It has high traces of dust allergins. How often does he hold a stuffed animal?"

"All the time." I said rolling my eyes.

"I have learned how attached he is to it. I would suggest washing them regularly, things like pets, stuffed animals, and heavy perfumes can aggravate asthma. I would also, caution you against allowing him to sleep with it. He presses it to his face and inhales whatever that thing has touched."

"Wow." I said. "Th-That's simple."

"Sometimes the smallest things can trigger an attack. That's why we also caution parents to keep smokers away from asthmatic children."

I had a lightbulb.

Who had been helping with our son and had also started smoking again like a damn chimney.

Quinn.

I looked at B and it seemed that she was thinking the same thing.

Well that was going to be a fun conversation.

The doctor told us that with the way that Isaac was progressing that he would probably be discharged early next week, which had me nervous since Britt would be fresh out of surgery and I was planning on rehab.

Suddenly, I realized how impossible any of this would be without telling Q.

As his godmother and my best friend, she had sworn to step up and help however she could and with me gone, she'd need to be there big time...otherwise I'd have to lean on one of my sisters and I knew for a fact that Britt would want to avoid that.

How feasible was rehab really?

Did I actually NEED to go?

I mean, I felt fine.

My mind continued on this track all the way home, through dinner, a shower, a meeting with both Britt and Q...I just kept thinking and still I tried to stay present but no matter how discreet I think I'm being, Britt always seems to know.

"What has gotten stuck in your head all day?"

She asked as I made piles of clothes on the bed.

I had been prepping to pack for at least an hour and she had decided that was good time to talk to Quinn about her smoking habit.

But Q had, surprise, surprise, gone out to buy cigarettes so in this moment alone, she was calling me out.

"How do you al-always know?"

"Duh, I'm the foremost expert on Santana Lopez, it's my job to know when you aren't yourself. So, tell me."

"I just...is now the best time for me to go to rehab?" I asked, my brain so hyper focused on the words that they came out clear.

"Is this because of the surgery and Izzy coming home at the same time?"

"Yes."

"Well, when Q gets back we just need to tell her the truth and if she is willing to help then we will stick to the plan. Unless...would outpatient be good for you? We could ask Sandra to watch the kids during the day...while you go and then you come home at night."

I nodded.

"I think I w-would like that."

"Okay, you pack and worry about the trip and I will worry about everything else. I promise."

There was creaking on the steps and then Quinn came in with paper plates and a bag.

"So, I am still hungry after dinner, I stopped and got Pad Thai...interested?" She paused when she saw the way we were both looking at her. "Uh oh, what did I do?"

Britt patted the spot on the couch next to her. "Come sit with me, Q."

"Oh shit, am I being kicked out?" She said looking at me with big eyes.

I chuckled. "No. J-Just sit."

"Can I at least eat?"

"Yeah, I'm hungry too." B said, then she looked at me. "You?"

"Nope." It was getting late and I had already cleared my dinner plate, I didn't want to overdo it. I knew myself and if I felt like I had overeaten, I would find a way to empty my stomach and I was trying to change.

Trying like hell to be better.

Britt and Q sat on the couch while watching me begin to put stuff in the suitcase. Thankfully they weren't pushing me to eat anymore.

That was the last thing that I needed with a million things on my mind.

"Why are you packing like you are leaving for a week? You aren't actually thinking of running away are you?" Quinn laughed as she picked up a piece of bacon and shoved in her mouth. Ugh...leave it to Quinn to find bacon Pad Thai!

"I'm p-packing for Celia, me, Britt and all of Daniela's stuff. It's a lot."

"Right but how many pairs of shoes did you pack yourself, San?"

"Six."

"For three days?"

"Yea...so? How many bags do you have?"

"Just my carry on."

"Well...that's because I'm h-high fashion and you are all...church dresses...and is y-your blonde is back?"

"Hair appointment tomorrow, after class."

"Black again?"

"Yep...Celia likes my hair like this and Rachel doesn't...reason enough to stay this way!"

"A-Agreed."

"So, let's talk." I said and Quinn put her plate down on her lap and looked at me.

"Okay."

"First...you sh-should know that I re-relapsed a few days ago." Her face got paler and she looked at B, who just nodded her head. "I h-have been clean a few days. I-It's been hard but I want to be s-sober. Wh-When we g-get back..." I was getting choked up and went back to packing, not able to keep going but Britt took over effortlessly.

"When we get back, Ana is going to do an outpatient rehab, so she can still be here with the kids and help me after my surgery. No one else knows about this, we'd like to keep it that way. You know how the family gets and this means that even Celia, needs to be kept in the dark."

Q looked at me for a long moment and then she cleared her throat and muttered something I couldn't hear but Britt did.

"Yes, this is what's best. I trust Ana to tell me what she is comfortable with. I learned the hard way that if I push her to do what I want, she'll rebel but she wants this. So we are going to do it her way. Is that okay with you?" Britt said all snappy and I looked up to see her staring down Q.

But Q stared back just as hard before sighing and nodding.

"Okay. I will be here to help like I promised. Just..." She was looking at me again. "If it gets too hard to do both...you know rehab and all of the shit that comes with living in this family, promise me you'll consider going full-time with the knowledge that I am here and will step up however I can."

"Okay." I said.

"And can I say one more thing?"

Britt had a growl in her throat but I didn't want her scaring away my only other friend.

"What?" I asked.

"I know how nosey the family is, trust me but you should maybe be honest with Celia, at least. She's really good at not telling everyone everything."

"I will th-think about it."

"Good." Q was about to go back to eating when Britt dropped a hand on her knee.

"We're not done."

Now Quinn really looked anxious.

"What? You're not pregnant again are you because I swear being pregnant every year is not healthy!" She snarked.

"No one is pregnant." Britt said, "But this does have to do with one of the kids."

"Oh no...what is it?" She looked like she was going to vomit now.

"Izzy can't handle cigarette smoke or residue." I said to take her out of her misery.

"Oh...wait...oh, crap am I the reason he got sick? Fuck, I didn't think about the asthma. I swear. Celia wants me to quit too...okay, that's it. I won't smoke anymore."

I rolled my eyes.

"At least not h-here. Maybe not holding him w-with the sc-scent either."

"Right, crap. I am so sorry!" She had tears in her eyes and then she was all out sobbing in her hands.

I had never seen her like this...she was acting like he was irreparably damaged or something.

Britt and I had to wrap her in our arms and assure her that she didn't break Isaac and it took a long while for her to actually calm down.

Once the dramatics were done though, we put on some music and just talked about nothing while I continued packing.

Spending time with my favorite girls made my somber mood lighten a bit. I knew that it wouldn't last long though because once I was in LA everything would be heavy again.

I was glad though that I was able to go clear headed and not burdened with having to hold in my emotions.

Growing up, I look back and realize that my biggest regret and my saving grace was my ability to maintain a cool composure no matter the situation.

I was learning from my wife and Q that sometimes letting down your walls was more necessary than breathing.

First thing in the morning if Isaac was having a good day, he was always excitable...which absolutely something that he got from Ian. I was never a morning person; I always need my quiet time before dealing with other people and if I don't get it I can be a raging bitch the entire day...hello high school! I hated those early Cheerios practices with a burning passion.

Seeing Isaac though excited and shrieking at 6 a.m. was a welcome sight.

It had taken Britt some string pulling to get the doctors to let me see him that early but after she explained my situation, they quickly loosened their restrictions.

I was really liking her taking over some of the bigger things, it gave me more time to focus on my kids and myself, plus it kept the tremors and cravings from overwhelming me.

Thank God for Britt-Britt.

"Ma!"

"Papa!" I picked him up and smothered him in kisses. He smelled fresh and clean which made me insanely happy and satisfied to know that he was being well taken care of.

"Da mah ki ki!" he screeched.

I kissed him again.

"Yay! Beso!" I said, working to get him to start calling it what it was...even if it was in Spanish.

"Yay!" he clapped his hands together and looked at me with those bright blue eyes.

I felt so light in that moment, it made me really sad that I couldn't bring him along, since he always improved my mood. Instead, we spent about a half an hour with him before heading to the airport.

The great thing about chartering our own plane was that, even though we were running a little late, it wasn't going to leave us.

Thankfully, Damariz had taken Daniela with her straight to the airport because if the baby had been with us it would have been harder to get there on time, with rush hour and snow on the ground.

Britt drove slower than I did and I still hadn't been cleared to drive, so we got there a half hour late which meant that we had to wait an hour to be cleared for takeoff. Being stuck on a plane with two newborns was not something that I had thought about. We ended up having a layover in Pittsburgh before finally taking back off.

Saul kept chewing his gum obnoxiously, Damariz kept checking to see if the baby was breathing, and Britt...well Britt was the only perfect thing about the flight. If I wasn't feeding Daniela then Britt was holding her and slow dancing with her as she slept.

B was doing everything in her power to keep me from flipping out, so even though, what should have been a six hour flight had turned into a nine hour trip, I kept my cool.

For the most part.

We got into LAX at a little after five that night and I was not happy about it. Britt kept an around me and kept whispering sweet things in my ear to make me smile, thank God for her.

Once we were off the plane my sister kissed me and Britt, and then hailed a cab straight to Brenda's house. She seemed annoyed and exhausted, so I didn't blame her. I couldn't even imagine how overwhelmed she was after losing her twin sister and then giving birth to a beautiful little girl days later.

"Hey, B?" I said as we headed towards the food court.

"Yes?"

"C-Can you make sure I spend time with Mari sometime s-soon?"

"You got it." she smiled as she pulled me in again and kissed my temple. "I love you so much Ana."

"I love you too, B."

Britt and I wandered around the terminal stretching our legs for about twenty minutes before heading over to the car rental kiosk. Daniela was fast asleep in Britt's carrier, with her head on B's chest. It was cute to see both of them looking so attached to each other.

I hadn't called anyone because I just wanted to get settled in before jumping into the intensity. Instead I was taking time to just breathe, which was something that I had a hard time doing lately.

Everything just felt hard and so not wanky.

Most of my father's family hadn't seen me since his funeral, back before I had my kids or married Brittany. It would be like coming out all over again, except now, I had been through so much that I wasn't afraid of anything.

This weekend was about Brenda and the boys. Even though I had my own nonsense to deal with, I had to keep my sister in mind. I had to look at my little nephews and try and be strong for them.

I was just glad that I got some time with just Britt and the baby before having to deal with anything else.

They would be my anchor.

When we got to the hotel, Britt seemed relieved to be out of the crazy LA traffic. I could tell that even a city girl like her was on edge from having to drive in all the insanity. She handed the keys to the valet and then we made our way inside while they took care of our luggage.

Britt hadn't forgotten a thing, right down to the giant suite that she had booked us.

Thank God, she was on her game when I so clearly hadn't been.

I was standing there staring at the piano they had in the lobby when my name was being called.

"Ana?" I looked over and saw Johnny, for the first time in months. Did that mean Sandra was here somewhere?

Had Britt managed to get the whole family in the same hotel?

"Shit...so much for relaxing a little bit." I muttered to Britt when she came over with our room keys. She squeezed my hand and then plastered on a smile as she pulled on me towards my brother-in-law.

He wasn't here with my sister but he sure wasn't alone.

Xavier and Evan both had the caramel Lopez color and jet black curly hair, they both carried the air of sadness that came with losing so much in a short amount of time. Brenda's sons had always been the happiest kids on the planet and now seeing what was left of her family, just broke my heart.

With the three of them sat Saul, who must have dropped Mari at the house and came straight here.

"Hey guys." I said when I got close enough for my nephews to see me.

They looked up and while Xavier was bouncing up and down in his chair excited to see me, Evan looked at me glumly.

He had lost his twin brother, Ethan and if my memory serves me correctly...today was their birthday.

Shit!

Ethan and Evan had always been like night and day but the bond between them had always been strong. When I saw them last they had been racing around my house with the kids setting up for Christmas...two months ago.

How quickly things changed.

It was just a reminder that tomorrow isn't promised...for anyone.

I opened my arms up and both boys came over and hugged me.

Xavier quickly moved on to Britt and the baby, climbing her side until she had managed to lift him so that he was planted on her hip and peaking at the carrier at Daniela.

I smiled briefly and then rubbed my hands over my nephew's back. Evan had buried his head against my chest and was sniffling. I held him flush against me, noticing how uncomfortable Johnny and Saul seemed.

Damariz must have sent them out of the house with the boys.

"Hey Evan do you and X-Xavier want stay w-with me and Titi B for a while? M-Maybe watch a movie?" I said as I looked down at him. Evan looked up at me with sad eyes and nodded his head.

"I'd really like that Titi." he mumbled with watery eyes. I nodded and then pulled him against me again.

This day was probably so hard for him.

Had anyone remembered?

He was eleven today.

This all just sucked so, so fucking much!

Johnny had a tight smile as he nodded and Saul looked unabashedly happy to get the boys off his plate for a while. He had been so busy this week trying to get their new house together while helping his wife with a newborn.

He hugged me tight before clapping Johnny on the back and leaving the restaurant.

"If you're taking them...I'm going to go check on Sandra...she's been in bed all morning."

"Tell her...that I'll c-come by later okay?"

"You got it sis." Johnny kissed my cheek and then headed towards the elevators.

Britt had told me that the reason that she chose this hotel was because, Sandra and Celia both were staying here, while Mari would be staying at Brenda's house a could of miles away in Beverly Hills.

I was glad that even though, I wasn't going to be able to spend any time with Britt and Daniela...I was happy to be surrounded by my family.

Maybe I would even manage to make Evan smile by the end of the day.

The five of us headed up to the suite in silence, Daniela had even fallen asleep. Britt was excitedly whispering back and forth with Xavier as they walked ahead of us, hand in hand while I hung back with Evan, just in case he wanted to talk. I had been trying to decide if it was bad timing to wish him a Happy Birthday when he pulled on my hand to get my attention. I looked over at him and tried to smile but I couldn't muster much. I probably looked like I was in pain.

There was just no clear sign of how to act.

"Do you think he will forget?" Evan muttered as he squeezed my hand.

Red flag.

Britt was better with this kind of thing but I needed to try and be open for him. Evan needed me just like someday Isaac would and I needed to be prepared for that.

I stopped us and crouched down in front of him so we were at equal eye level. His big green eyes were identical to Brenda's and it pained me to see them look so sad. I almost flinched but I fought the feeling.

This was not the time for that.

"I d-don't think anyone will be able to forget your mom and brothers Ev, and I kn-know that as his big brother you will make sure th-that he always remembers th-them in all he does...right?" I said as I held fast to his shoulders.

He looked at me hard, trying to read me, like I had learned to do at birth. It was written in the DNA.

"Yes...I will. It's my job now."

He came closer and wrapped his arms around me. I adjusted myself so that I was on my knees and then hugged him tighter. He ducked his head onto my shoulder and sucked in a breath. I could tell that even at eleven he was trying so hard to put his walls up but it wasn't working.

Somehow I had burrowed under his defenses.

I rubbed his back and let him get out his tears out. I had been where he is, kind of, and I knew that sometimes a person just needs to be held in the silence so that they can get their thoughts together. I was pretty sure that I was the first person that let him process after a question like that.

After he pulled away I stood up and wrapped an arm around his shoulders as we walked slowly to the suite.

"I'm glad that you are finally here Titi."

"Me too."

"Everyone has been walking around me afraid to say any of their names. Even Titi Mari. She seems afraid to even look in the mirror, when she came to the house...she passed the mirror and I saw her flinch. Mami wouldn't like this at all."

"We all have to deal with th-this the best way we can. I know th-that nobody knew Ethan like you did right?"

"Yeah of course not, he's my twin. Was my twin."

"That's how Titi feels without your mom."

"Like a piece of her is missing?"

"Exactly."

"Will it ever get better?"

I thought hard for a moment about the progress that I had made since burying my father and Ian. I thought about the longing I felt sometimes. It still hurt to think about Isaac not knowing his father but I knew that he had an amazing village of people surrounding him. I took a deep breath and then told my nephew the truth that I knew existed but I didn't think about until that moment.

"It gets easier... but it takes time, which, to be h-honest, is g-gonna really suck."

"Yeah...it does."

"You j-just gotta take it one day at a time. You have to try and live for them...even t-today."

"Thanks for giving me a real answer, I will try my best. You know what? That's why I love you so much Titi Ana, I know you will always tell me the truth, even if it hurts."

"It's what I w-would want you to for my kids and for me."

"I love you, Titi."

"I love you too, Evan." I hugged him tight to me as we stood just inside the suite. "And happy birthday."

"Thank you." he said stoically as he kissed my cheek.

When we got into the room, Britt was reading the room service menu to Xavier.

"Planning on ordering?" I asked as I tossed my purse onto some random surface. I didn't speak that loud, so I was sure that she hadn't heard me wish Evan a happy birthday.

Had she?

"Yep! Xavier says that Saul promised them ice cream for Evan's birthday but that they never got any. I thought maybe, they might want to have something...a banana split maybe?"

She wiggled her eyebrows at Xavier and he smiled. I sent Evan over to them to pick something out while I headed to the bedroom. Daniela was sound asleep in the little crib in the corner of the room. I leaned in and kissed her face.

My luggage sat on a bench at the end of a huge bed in the biggest of the four rooms, the view was amazing. I stood there looking out the great big window when my phone started buzzing.

"Yeah?" I said as I stared distractedly out of the window.

"Johnny told me that you are here in LA. You said you'd call me."

"I'm sorry. I j-just wanted to get here, t-take a nap and th-then call you guys."

"That's understandable it's just with everything that's happened I'm on edge."

"I'm sorry I didn't even th-think."

"We are having dinner tonight at Mari's house, can you come and bring the boys to the house in a few hours, Johnny and I are headed over now, is that okay?"

"Sure thing."

"Thank you Ana."

How could I say no to my sister right now?

Even if I was feeling tremors as my body craved something to numb all the pain I was feeling now.

For days I had been able to push the gravity of this situation way down deep but now that it was in my face...I felt like I could have a panic attack at any second.

I hung up the phone and just sat there staring out the window for a while. Somewhere out there was the teenager that had hit my sister head on with her truck and walked away with not even a scratch and I was trying to find that shred of understanding since I had been that teenager, I had driven drunk and high on several occasions and knew that this could have been me. I could have killed someone...I had killed someone.

Was this karma?

This was personal though...at most I crashed into a building and killed a shrub but this girl had killed three people, a mother, a ten year old and a three year old.

I felt like I had been absolved of that girl's death, but this girl...that killed my sister...she could burn in hell.

God...help me. When did I become such a hypocrite?

Just saw my nephews. It's all so real. Can you call me?-Anita

Sure-Ari

Her response was immediate, she called without a second thought.

"Everything okay?" Ari said with a soft voice. She must have been either in chemo or fresh out.

"Do you th-think th-this happened because of the b-bleach? Is the u-universe evening out?"

"Anita...don't go there...this was senseless. One event can't be blamed on the other. You just need to pray about it."

"How do I kn-know that God will answer my prayers?"

"Ye of little faith...come on...you know better."

"I know. I guess...this is just all so h-hard."

"I know Anita, but sometimes we have to go through some pretty hard shit." she hesitated and then sucked in a deep breath. She went to speak but I cut her off.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't...just...look. This is a tough thing and if you are wondering how you could hate anyone for it...it's because you are looking at those boys, knowing the loneliness that they are going to feel without their mother and you understand that."

"Yea."

"You will get through this...I know it."

"I know and you w-will get through this too."

"Yea...well...if that is what God has planned then yes...I will get through this...in the meantime...remember what I told B...you have all your life to freak out about this, right now those boys need you and the family to bring them some light. I love you and be careful."

"Thanks. I love you too."

After we hung up, I just laid there for a bit and let reality come down on me.

"Titi?" Xavier's little voice broke through my tears.

I lifted my face from the pillow that I was drowning myself in and saw him knelt on the bench next to my luggage watching me.

"Hey Nene." I choked out as I tried to swallow back my tears.

He looked like he wanted to climb up but was afraid to. I opened up my arms and his eyes brightened up immediately. He crawled into my arms and burrowed into my side.

"Don't cry Titi...Mami, Ethan, and Brendan are with Jesus, Papi and Abuelo now." He rubbed my side trying to soothe me.

"They are?"

I was really wondering and despite all the shit that I had gone through I never doubted my faith until that moment and Ari had sensed it.

"Of course Titi!" I kissed the top of his head and squeezed him tight.

From the mouths of babes.

"I just miss them."

"Me too...Where is Izzy, why did you leave him?" he asked after a moment.

"He was too sick. He is going to be o-okay though."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Good. I miss him."

"Me too."

"Titi?"

"Yes?"

"Can you sing to me?"

I hadn't been singing that much but for my grieving nephew, I had to get over myself. I held tight to him as I sang him to sleep.

With him curled against me it made me feel safe.

Being able to hold him, probably exactly how he was missing from his mom, not only helped him but it also helped me feel closer to my sister than I ever had.

I had only been to Damariz's old house once before and that was when I was recuperating after my surgery. Brenda had moved here after she left for New York so the boys could have a more country feel to their childhood, like she had.

The house was in Beverly Hills and sat back from the road by a half mile. It wasn't a mansion like Sandra's but it had an insane amount of land including an orchard.

It was amazingly beautiful, I couldn't believe that they'd probably lose this place now that my sister was gone.

Britt pulled the car down the gorgeous driveway while I sat there checking in on the kids in the backseat. Xavier had fallen asleep, holding onto Daniela's little hand, so Britt ended up carrying him, while I carried the baby. Evan seemed anxious as he walked by my side. It was probably hard to come home to a house that was half empty now.

"You okay, Ev?" I whispered as we stood on the front porch.

"Yes...It's just harder when I see everyone crying. I feel like Mami would hate it."

"She wouldn't like it very much, you're right. But she would understand it. You remember when Abuelo died, your Mami cried a whole lot, remember that?" Britt said to him and he nodded.

"Oh yeah."

"Not everyone can p-put up walls like you and me Ev."

He looked at me and then nodded his little head before reaching forward and pushing the door open for me.

I was immediately chilled by how remarkably silent the house was as we entered. I knew that the house was packed but it seemed deserted.

Ev took Xavier from Britt and then walked off to some corner of the house leaving us standing in the foyer by ourselves. I hope that we hadn't said the wrong thing.

I looked over at Britt and could see that she was just as uncomfortable with the silence as I was.

"Mari?" I called out. I was too tired to seek her out.

I heard footsteps and then I saw Damariz poke her head around the corner. She waved us over and we followed her. We trailed behind my sister for almost a whole two minutes before we got to the living room.

"You guys sit in here while I take Daniela up to the nursery." She said tiredly. Britt seemed reluctant to let Mari take the baby but she didn't fight me on it when I handed the baby over to my sister.

I could see now that Britt was on edge.

That wasn't a good sign.

We walked further into the room and I could see from the back that Sandra and Celia were talking quietly to my mother and a squat little woman whose cheap perfume burned my nose.

I had never met my father's first wife but he never spoke highly of her and neither did her daughters for that matter. She and Mami had buried the hatchet years earlier so I wasn't surprised to see them sitting side-by-side. I just wished that someone had warned me.

My defenses were up as I held Britt's hand. She gave me a small smile and then we walked fully into the room and greeted everyone. Sandra stood up and opened her arms.

"How are you? How was your flight?" she asked as she held me for longer than usual. I hugged her back and allowed myself to soak up the comfort of my eldest sister.

"Longest nine hours of my life." I said as I watched my wife hug my mom.

"Yea...hey don't let anything my mom says get to you. She is insanely homophobic and even though Celia came out to her she has been so rude all day. So don't mention Celia and Quinn if you can help it, okay?" Sandra whispered in my ear. I nodded and then pulled away.

I just hope that Sandra knew that I wasn't going back into the closet for her mother, I was married for goodness sakes but I get that she didn't want me make it worse for Celia.

Even if I was too old to cater to some old bat, I wouldn't hurt my sister, so I leaned over and kissed my mom and politely nodded to the woman beside her and then went to sit down on the opposite couch next to B.

I held my wife's hand in my lap and looked over at my sister. Celia, who was normally carefree, was sitting stiffly on the other side of her mother and looking off into space. She was looking incredibly flushed and out of sorts.

"Ceily? You okay?" I asked quietly. Her eyes snapped up to me. She had anger in her eyes and was gripping her phone as if she wanted to beat someone to death with it.

"As well as I can be with the circumstances being so shitty." she muttered.

"Celia! With a mouth like that, it's no wonder you had to settle for women and can't seem to find a husband." her mother said elbowing her in the ribs. I saw Celia's cheeks turn bright red and her body become even more rigid.

I couldn't believe that she was going to let her mother get away with that.

Hey Q...this is what your woman looks like right now.-San

I texted Quinn, out of some sort of twisted loyalty I was feeling. I had pretended to be looking for signal and snapped a picture of Celia's angry face before sending it to Quinn.

I wasn't surprised when I got an immediate response back.

What's wrong with her?-Q

Her mom is basically bullying her back in the closet.-San

Ugh, over my dead body. I wish I was there today!-Q

Celia's phone started ringing. She looked down at the screen and quickly stood up and left the room. From the look on her face I could tell that it was Q who was trying to save her girlfriend's sanity and keep her from running back into the closet.

"So Santana..." my name sounded warped coming out of this woman's mouth.

"Si, Señora?" I said as I tried my best to be respectful.

"Who is your friend, here?" she asked seemingly testing me, was she kidding? I felt Britt squeeze my fingers in warning. Sandra looked sharply at her mother. Mami though just sat there; she was here for me and didn't want to ruffle feathers.

"This is my wife Brittany." I said as I placed my hand on B's knee without taking my eyes away from the woman across from me.

"That's not legal...how can she be your wife?" this woman was obviously misinformed.

"It is very l-legal. She is my wife." I stressed the last word and waited for her to say something else.

I raised my eyebrow and looked at her with a smile on my face. I could feel Britt's eyes on me and she even tried to let go of my hand but I wasn't letting go.

Not a chance!

Annoyed that she hadn't gotten to me, she turned to my mother and acted like I was deaf or out of earshot.

"And you allowed this Gladys?"

Mami looked over at me and then her eyes lingered on Brittany before she looked back at the sea urchin, that my sisters called a mother.

"Yes. In fact, I encouraged it. I support my daughter in almost everything she does. Their marriage is no different than anyone else."

"It's all a silly little fantasy. I raised my daughters better than that but obviously, Celia's issue was from your influence," she said as she stood from the couch, she looked down at me and scowled, "Es un abomination!" she said before storming from the room.

"Just like you." I said and her face dropped.

I couldn't hide the smirk on my face but everyone else looked shell shocked.

Did they really think I would stay quiet?

Bullshit!

Britt squeezed my hand and I looked at her with a smile. She raised her eyebrow and I knew that she was only going to let me get away with being a bitch once or twice before she put her foot down but once was more than enough.

"What just happened?" Damariz said as she came into the room carrying finger sandwiches and her mother looked stuck on stupid.

"Our mother happened." Sandra said as she rolled her eyes. "And well...Ana was Ana."