Chapter 40: Heavy In Your Arms (Florence + the Machine)

Santana's POV

I still had my hand firmly gripping Britt's knee even after the beached whale left the room. I was so pissed off that I could only see red but I kept my smile in place because I had survived way worse than this bitch.

Who the fuck did that woman think she was?

How did she think that she had any right to talk to me like that or at all?

Sensing my sudden anger or seeing it after my smirk, Britt wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to her.

When I tried to sit up again she held me tighter. She wasn't going to allow that beached whale to make me question the validity of marriage.

"I'm sorry about my mom, Ana. She is insanely rude. She is up in her room stewing and probably calling our step father in Texas to tell him how we are forcing her to be under the same roof with a bunch of lesbians." Mari said as she sat in the place that her mother had vacated.

"Yea...she wouldn't be so quick to announce that if she realized that she had a gay daughter that wasn't running back in the closet too." Sandra said as Celia came back into the room.

"Yea and how should I tell her? At the funeral? The cemetery? Do you want me to start fucking Quinn right in front of her?" Celia snapped at Sandra.

"I'm just saying, maybe she would let up on finding you a husband and would not be such a bigot if she knew that you and Quinn are serious or if she knew that you weren't just figuring this out...that you have been engaged to a woman before, perhaps?" Sandra said as she defended her point.

"Oh no! Did she say something inappropriate to you Ana?" Ceily asked.

"Aside from c-calling my marriage a fairy tale and c-calling me an abomination? No." I said sarcastically.

"I'm sorry." Celia said as she grabbed a sandwich from the tray.

"Prove it...introduce Mami to Quinn when she gets here as you girlfriend...make some grand gesture." Damariz said as she pushed the tray closer to me.

"I will fix it before she flies back home." Celia conceded.

Damariz filled us in on all the arrangements for the service and then turned to me.

"Now that nonsense is out of the way, I need a favor Ana."

I sat forward and nodded.

"What is it?" I asked hoping that it wasn't something beyond my control.

"Can you convince Sal to handle Brenda's estate?"

"He is our f-family lawyer Mari, he is available to all of you."

"Are you sure?" Mari said and then looked over at Sandra.

"Ana...you are the closest to him...do you think we can call him now?"

"Uh...sure. I guess?" I said...feeling a bit confused.

Once Britt and I were alone again, with Sandra keeping Daniela for a while, I wrapped my arms around her neck and kissed her lips. She walked us to the bedroom and began to strip off her clothes as she kept kissing me. We had been on edge all day long and right then, all I wanted was her hands in me, on me, and around me.

She nibbled my ear as I sat on her lap and enjoyed her touch.

"Any cravings?" She asked.

"Some."

"What do you want right now?"

"To be your lolli, a-again." I whispered against her ear, "Daddy."

She groaned and then was tackling me back against the bedspread.

Our loving was hard and fast, not knowing when someone would show up and ruin our free moment.

I groaned into her kisses and touches, wanting nothing more than to be sore in all the right places.

And when I came just once, I felt myself drifting off. She wrapped her arms and spooned me when she saw I couldn't hang for much longer

"How are you feeling baby?"

"Better."

"Yeah...I'm so glad that you didn't hit that cranky old bat."

"I wish we were b-back home."

"Me too but this isn't a vacation, we're here for a reason...even if it's a really sucky one."

"Even though that means you will have to go to rehab?"

"Yea...but at I'll be h-home."

"Our entire lives are in New York of course you want to be back there with the kids and me...right?"

"Always, B."

I turned so that I could face Britt. I marveled at the way the moonlight highlighted her face in a glow, making her look almost angelic. Her eyes were sparkling as she smiled sweetly at me. I was afraid to say what I was about to say, I didn't understand where it had come from but I think my heart knew it for a while.

We had started the conversation back in the hospital but then everything had happened with my embolisms and the emergency labor.

For some reason this just felt like the right time.

"What's up, baby?"

"I m-miss Lima. I think that I want to move back." I sighed out.

I was afraid to look up and see Britt's reaction. I looked down at her lips and then leaned in and kissed them. She was silent but I could almost hear the wheels spinning in her head. I finally looked up and wanted to immediately look away.

Britt's eyes were full of unshed tears and rubbed my thumb across her cheek.

"Please don't cry B. I kn-know that our lives are in the city...it's just when I think of home..." I trailed off and thought about it.

When I think of home...

"It has nothing to do with any of that Ana. Home is where your heart is...where is your heart?"

"With you and the kids." I whispered softly as I looked in her eyes.

"That's what I thought. I just think that right now your soul needs peace and comfort and as much as we hated living there, Lima always moved slow and steady. It is your peaceful place, with the Magic Treehouse and the way everyone knows everyone else. It was comfortable."

"You're a genius." I said as I leaned closer to her, ghosting my lips over hers. Her face lit up as I pulled back and looked in her eyes. She pulled my body until we were pressed against each other and she kissed me again.

"Everything is going to be okay Ana. I will do everything in my power to make sure that our family is safe and happy."

"Yeah?" I asked seriously.

"Yes. And if down the line, after rehab, if you still feel like Lima is where you want to be then we will sit down and talk it out as a family. Okay?"

"Okay. I can live with that."

"Good..now let's get some sleep."

The next morning my phone woke me up bright and early, some time around sunrise. It was the day of the viewing. There had been an uproar over dinner the night before over the arrangements of the services.

Evan's birthday got shoved to the side so I told Britt on the ride home that I wanted to do something for him, maybe after the funeral so that his birthday wasn't just plain forgotten.

We had to find some kind of happiness in all of this.

Hopefully, I could get the family in on it.

Tonight was the only night that could be agreed on for the viewing. It had originally been set up that we would just do everything all at once but Felicia, the sea urchin, was getting in the way.

After the viewings I was supposed to go back to Brenda's without Britt (which so wasn't going to happen) so that my sisters, the bitch Felicia and me could talk things out.

What things...I wasn't quite sure?

Papi's two brothers and their families were flying in from Hawaii and Miami. I hadn't seen them since his funeral and even then it had been briefly.

Mami had set it up so that they could stay in my suite, which I wouldn't have minded if she had asked me first or at least told me but she went ahead and let them know without asking Britt or me at all. What was worse is that she told them and then didn't set them up with a car or anything. So now I was being awakened at four thirty in the morning with no clue of what the heck was going on.

"Anita? It's Tio Manny...did I wake you?"

I sat up abruptly; in the process almost falling from the bed...thankfully Britt was awake enough and grabbed a hold of me.

"Pardon, Tio. Hi, h-how are you?" I said groggily.

"Good. Your Mom said you would be picking me up from the airport. Are you coming soon?"

"You're there now?"

"Yea we just got in."

"I'm l-leaving now. I will call you when I'm cl-close. Is this your number?" I asked as I stood from the bed.

My joints cracked as I stretched my arms over my head, nearly dropping the phone that was perched between my shoulder and my cheek.

"Yes. I'm sorry for waking you."

"It's fine. Who's with you?" I wasn't sure if I had enough room in my rental.

"Just Carla and Demi, the little kids wouldn't be able to handle this."

"I'll see you soon. Te quiero."

"Te quiero Anita, be safe okay?"

"Okay." I hung up before tossing the phone on the bed.

"Fuck! I should w-wake her up and make her come with me for this shit!" I muttered louder than I meant to.

"Too late...I'm up." I almost jumped out of my skin. I turned the lamp on and saw Britt sitting up rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"Sorry baby...I was t-talking about my mom. She didn't even t-tell me that I had to pick up my uncle."

"He's already at the airport?"

"Yea."

"Well let's get going then."

Thank God for Britt. Without her I wouldn't have been able to function that early in the morning but she managed to get us both dressed and out the door in ten minutes. While I got dressed, she had called up my mom and asked her to come down and watch Daniela. I managed to pump enough for two bottles, so that Mami could take care of the baby while I rushed towards the airport.

It made me smile that she was forced to be awake as well.

Definitely took the edge off.

"So which uncle is this?" Britt asked while she drove us down the 405. I was trying my best to stay awake while she drove since I have always been the better navigator.

"Tio Manny. He is a high-ranking m-marine officer in Hawaii. He has n-nine kids. He only brought his oldest...D-Demetria. We call her Demi...yes like Demi Lovato."

I glanced over and Britt had a huge grin on her face.

"Awesome!"

"Yea, you will like her, she is a d-dancer like you. She and h-her mom own a dance academy. Her mom is a ballerina from R-Russia. They are all pretty awesome."

By the time we got to the airport, Britt had effectively gotten all of my bitchiness to fade by shooting a million off the wall questions at me.

She is just that awesome.

I pushed my sunglasses over my eyes to block out the bright lights since my eyes were still adjusting.

Although my cranky, bitchiness had faded, I still felt clingy. I held tight to Britt's hand and leaned against her shoulder while we walked towards the terminal.

Britt was excited to meet more of my family and so she was wide awake as we approached the only people in the terminal.

I stood up straight and pulled her closer.

My father's baby brother was the spitting image of him, I had to do a double take when I saw his face. When he saw me he held his arms open and smiled really wide. I hadn't bothered to let go of B's hand so she got swept up into the hug along with me.

When he finally let go I stepped back and I pulled Britt against my side.

"Tio, Titi, and Prima, this is my wife Brittany."

"So this is her?"

Tio Manny looked at me then back at Britt with a serious expression. I pushed my sunglasses onto my forehead and looked in his eyes and nodded. I was feeling incredibly nervous, I actually cared about his reaction to my wife. He then looked back at his wife and daughter and then smiled really big.

"You owe me 200 Carla and 50 bucks from you Demi. I told you she was blonde and tall!"

I smiled really big and threw myself into my uncle's arms in relief. Then I looked towards my aunt and cousin.

"She's also a d-dancer...she is currently ch-choreographing a new Broadway play."

Once I said that, they forgot me as they each looped an arm through B's. Tio pulled two suitcases and I led everyone out to the rental.

My mind was reeling as I watched my family embrace Britt.

It made my heart heal a little bit.

Tio Manny let out a low whistle when he saw the car that I was driving around in. I shrugged and attempted to help him lift his luggage.

"What do you think you're doing, Anita?" I looked at him like he was crazy.

"Helping you."

"Not in your condition, didn't you just have baby and heart surgery? Why don't you go ahead and get in the car?"

I put my sunglasses back on and trudged to the driver's side out of habit. I didn't mean to get emotional but feeling weak was not something that I handled well.

When I climbed in the car, Britt was sitting in the back seat wrapped up in a conversation about movements or something.

I sat with my head resting against my seat and felt my eyes drifting closed.

I nearly pissed myself when a hand rested on my arm and shook me.

"The fuck?" I mumbled.

"You awake?" Tio was standing with my driver's door open looking at me.

"Yea. What are you doing? Get in."

"Brittany says you haven't been cleared to drive, so what are you doing? Hmm?"

"No...Tio, it's fine. I can do this." I begged him.

When had I become so whiny?

"Ana sweetie, let him follow the GPS and do you really think now is the best time to get back on the road?" Britt leaned forward from the backseat and rubbed my arm soothingly.

"You're s-supposed to be on my side B." I said as I begrudgingly climbed down from the car. My uncle flashed me a smile and climbed in excited to drive such an expensive car.

I managed to stay awake all of three minutes once the car started moving.

I knew that they were right about me not driving but even after knocking out I still refused to admit it.

When we got back to the hotel it was a little after seven in the morning and I was anxious to get back to bed but when I saw both Mami and Sandra in the lobby, holding my baby, I knew that sleep was something of the past.

Everyone was giving out hugs and trying to figure out what to do for breakfast when I leaned into B.

"Britt baby?"

"Hmm?" she said leaning down towards my face.

"I will do an-anything for you...you can t-take that strap on and stick it an-anywhere you want if you can just f-find a way to let me take a nap." I whispered in her ear making sure only she could hear me.

Britt's eyebrows shot up and then she stood straight up and cut off the current discussion going on in the middle of the lobby.

"Why don't we all go back to our suite and just order from room service?" Britt said excitedly flashing a huge grin.

"Did my daughter just offer you sex to get us to shut up, Brittany?" Mami said cocking an eyebrow.

Britt blushed red and shrugged her shoulders.

"Ana's just really tired Gladys."

Mami's just rolled her eyes and started walking towards the elevators with everyone following behind her without another word.

"Thanks B." I said as we climbed into the packed elevator.

"Yea...you owe me." she winked.

"Whatever you want, B...it's yours." I smiled sweetly at her and Mami cleared her throat. Everyone laughed as I hid my face from them.

Once we were in the suite I wasted no time, grabbing my baby and heading straight to the bedroom. I felt someone behind me and refused to turn around. I was too tired. I climbed into bed and wrapped the huge comforter around myself and then tucked Daniela under my boob so that she could eat. I rested my head back against the headboard and felt my eyes drifting closed when the talking started.

"We have to talk."

I cracked an eye open and saw my mother sitting across from me...in a chair from the dining room.

"Ay, Mami no." I mumbled. The room was suddenly drowned in sunlight as Mami pulled open all the curtains.

"No. This is important," she stressed as she ripped the blanket off me.

"Fuck!" I said as I put my free hand over my face.

"You dare talk to your mother like that? I was in labor for 46 hours! I had you naturally without drugs and you dare talk to me like that? We discussed this...we went through this just a few days ago, and you still talk to me like that?" My eyes popped open as I heard my mother start the waterworks.

"I'm up! Ok? Lo s-siento Mami." I was now holding my arm open for her so that she could hug me. The moment I held her, she kissed my face but then abruptly pulled away from me, wiped away the fake tears and looked me up and down.

"When did you shower last?"

I scrunched up my eyebrows and leaned into my armpit and sniffed. I looked back at her and then shrugged my shoulders...did I still smell like sex?

"Before I left New York."

"Eww...I raised you better. Go shower and then we can talk."

"Can't we just talk while I shower?"

"Fine."

"Can you take Daniela out to Britt, so that she can burp her?"I said as I made my way to the bathroom.

"Okay."

I stripped down and walked straight into the shower. I kind of felt ashamed that I hadn't showered especially since Britt had been all over my body the night before...or maybe she liked my funk. B can be kinky like that sometimes.

Could anyone blame me though? I was just barely hanging on most days and with my body coming down from drugs, I felt so fucking tired lately. I heard the door open and then close as I stepped under the water and allowed the water to saturate my skin.

"So talk." I said as I allowed the water to rinse away the sleepiness and my crankiness.

"It's about Felicia."

Ugh the last person I wanted to hear about was my sisters' beached whale of a mother especially while showering.

"Ugh...why, Mami?"

"Show some respect."

"I will respect her if she d-does the same."

"Sandra tells me that Felicia wants three separate services and wants you to pay for them."

"What?" I screeched, nearly falling but managing to catch myself on the rail.

"Calm down, Santana!"

"I am not m-made of money! I have kids. I have a home, a wife, am-mong other things."

"Other things?" She sounded curious and I knew she'd find out anyway so I just was real with her.

I pulled back the shower curtain and looked her in the eyes. "Rehab." I sighed.

She searched my eyes and tilted her head. "Coke?"

"Yeah."

"When?"

"Monday...wh-when I was with you."

"Santana...mamita...you've worked so hard." I felt the tears coming and wiped them quickly before sniffing.

"I know." I blew out a breath and then changed the subject. "Wh-Whyy doesn't she get off her fat ass and p-pay for something herself?"

"Santana!" my mom yelled.

"I mean it Mami. She has the nerve to want me to foot the bill af-after the w-way she talked to me? That's crazy!"

"Brenda was your sister."

"Th-This is not about Brenda and the kids. I w-would do anything for them Mami, you know that!"

I had my hands clenching my hair and tried not to freak out too much. I was so pissed about all this.

Showers have always been insanely relaxing for me but now I wanted to explode.

"I am on your side Santana. I'm just letting you know that this is what is going on."

I climbed out of the shower and wrapped myself up in a towel.

Mami was leaning against the sink filing her nails like she didn't have a care in the world. So that's where I get that habit...interesting.

"Well, I t-texted Sal. He is f-flying in to handle her estate. I'll let h-him take care of these things."

"And what do you plan to do?"

"I am gonna p-pay my r-respects to my sister and my nephews, I'm gonna show Evan th-that we didn't forget his b-birthday. I'm gonna spend time w-with my wife and d-daughter and I'm gonna get out of this warped city. Th-Then I am going to get home to my son, so that I can take care of him. I am going to try and not stress myself out b-because I have so many things to worry about!" I said.

I could feel the tears burning the corners of my eyes as I breezed past my mother and stepped into the bedroom with anger thrumming through my bones.

Britt sat on the edge of the bed looking concerned.

She must have heard me yelling.

Mami followed me into the room and pressed a hand to my lower back.

"Mija...I love you. I'm here for you. If there is anyway I can make things easier for you. Tell me okay?"

I turned as looked at her while still trying to get my emotions under control.

"Let me have s-some alone time with my B and Daniela. I w-would like to rest before d-dealing with saying g-goodbye to two of my nephews and my sister. Please?"

"Okay. I'll take everyone downstairs for breakfast. We can meet up with you later, I can even take the baby."

I felt like such a bitch. I watched Mami walking towards the door and realized that I was taking my anger with Felicia out on her and it wasn't right.

"Mami?" she hesitated with her hand on the door.

She didn't turn around which meant that she was probably on the verge of tears herself. I walked over to her and kissed her cheek.

"Th-Thank you for being here and l-looking out for me. I love you."

Mami nodded and then left the room. I knew that she was upset still and it made me feel like a horrible daughter.

We had been working really hard to mend our relationship since Papi died and I had been snapping at her a lot and had even hit her last week.

I had to DO better.

Everyone cleared out of the suite after I made two more bottles for the baby before kissing her a dozen times and sending her with my mom. I trusted that she would be okay.

Hopefully, this would be the rest that I need.

"Are you hungry?" Britt asked as I began to get dressed.

"I guess. I just want a nap, really, B."

I pulled on some old Cheerio shorts and one of Britt's big t-shirts before climbing back on the bed and under the covers.

"Okay. I'm going to set an alarm for us. I'm tired too."

"Score. Now I'll definitely get sleep." I muttered before closing my eyes.

Britt crawled in the bed and wrapped herself around me.

With Britt there beside me, holding me tightly, I fell to sleep in no time but my sleep was no better than being awake. I was in the car in the dream, I was my sister, getting hit by that drunk teenager...then I was the drunk teenager.

And I was cackling.

Then I was screaming as I watched my nephews die. I was sobbing as I was shaken awake by Britt's wild arms.

"Shh...I'm here, baby." She held me so tight as I cried.

My whole body was rocking, my skin was crawling and uncontrollable sobs were breaking from my throat. I had my hands covering my face and couldn't stop the sounds coming out of me.

I was hiccuping between sobs and could barely get my breathing steady.

"I n-need to get out of here." I pulled out of Britt's hold and slid down out of the bed.

"Where do you want to go?"

"I just n-need to get th-through this next couple of days and then I need to get home. Okay?"

"Okay...do you want to tell me about your dream?"

"NO! Just...please...I need to not think about it."

Britt nodded and headed straight for the suitcase. I stormed into the bathroom and washed my face over and over. I looked swollen and gross and wasn't sure how helpful my makeup was going to be but I had to try.

I heard the knock at the door while I was halfway through working on my face.

"Ana...food's here. Finish up...so we can eat before it gets cold."

I huffed and quickly pushed through my mascara and decided to leave my lips alone until after I ate. I was daydreaming about simpler times as I made my way to the dining area. My hair was hanging down in tangles around my face and I knew that I looked a horrid mess but couldn't bother to care. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear but I couldn't afford that...I decided some time between putting on my concealer and my eye shadow that if I could control nothing around me then I would just focus on myself and the health of my family.

I plowed through breakfast and made sure to eat until I was full not until my Sue-conscious told me I had enough. For the first time in years I was truly satisfied with what I ate and how much.

Britt pulled out one of my black power suits and although I packed the perfect set of heels she insisted that I put on my flats instead, saying that she didn't want me to stumble in a daze or anything. I wanted to argue but I was barely holding it together as it was. Once we were both dressed it was a little after noon.

So we decided to head down to the car.

"Where to, baby?"

"B-Brenda's. I want to get things s-settled before tonight."

"What time is the service?"

"Five."

The ride to Beverly Hills was surprisingly quick; we were there in no time at all. When we pulled into the driveway I saw both Mami and Sandra's rentals so I knew that I was probably the only one missing.

I parked the car and then sat back in my seat trying to get myself together.

Even with me building up my resolve, I was feeling insanely nervous. I am the youngest sister; I am the youngest of my father's children but I was worth nearly 100 million, while the rest of them were all hovering around 10 million. Maybe I seemed stingy but I wasn't...I had my own shit too.

I had debts and addictions, so much of my money was tied up to keep me from binging on drugs.

Speaking of which, how could I be expected to hold everyone up?

Normally...okay...fuck that...I have no normal anymore...realistically, I should be able to just be at the funeral with no worries.

But this family wasn't normal and they never thought realistically!

It was fucking screwed up!

I sat there for over ten minutes just trying to get my breathing under control. Thoughts of Brenda, her sons and my own kids swirled in my head until I was dizzy and feeling like I was going to run and find some blow.

The darkness was calling me and I was feeling like my resolve to stay clean was slipping. I couldn't go back to that place.

Too much was at stake.

I had been rubbing my palms together, trying to find an escape into LA that would get me numb but I couldn't.

Not again even if my whole body was thrumming with anxieties.

Britt reached over and linked her pinky with mine, then pulled me towards her until our lips met.

She kissed me with roughness but sweetness at the same time. I buried my shaking fingers in her hair and she groaned when I nipped her lip.

Even now, she was a seductress.

"How do y-you get me wet with just a k-kiss?" I muttered, shaking my head at her.

She grinned.

"Told you, I'm the foremost expert. I could probably get an orgasm out of you with a kiss too."

"I'd like to see you t-try." I looked over at her and she smiled sweetly at me.

"Challenge accepted, Lolli."

"Thanks for c-calming me, B."

"It's my job and I promise you that if it gets too much, that I'm getting you out of here, okay?"

"God, yes."

"Now let's go get this family drama over with." She said, reminding me of myself.

It shocked me just how serious she looked and suddenly, I was filled with a calming peace because I knew that Brittany was prepared to kick everyone's ass and throw me over her shoulder to get me out of there if she had to.

Every day, Britt was becoming more and more, my personal hero!