Chapter 43: Ordinary People (John Legend)
Brittany's POV
It'd been a few days of me just resting as much as possible before having to go back to work. Ari's body had accepted my marrow and now it was just going to be a month long wait and see.
My bosses were so thrilled that I donated that they let me have the whole week after my surgery, off of work, which meant that I got more time with my wife and kids. The first few days were rocky because Ana seemed to be on edge. She'd only spent a night in prison, which she insists is way different than a Lima jail cell.
Quinn was hovering around the edges, helping with the kids and steering clear of Ana, like she was trying not to disturb her headspace. It was like they had a whole language between them that suddenly had shifted and I couldn't understand why.
"Are you and Q, okay?" I asked after Quinn took both of the kids with her to Celia's house.
"Yeah, why?" She asked as she scribbled notes down in her newest journal.
"You've been back a week and other than her hugging you on the first day she saw you, there's been like this distance between you."
"Oh...that." She said glancing at me for a moment before going back to her writing.
"What is it?"
"Remember LA...wh-when Celia found out we'd slept together?"
If this was all, I didn't care but I let her tell me anyways because I want to know everything about my wife.
"Yeah."
"Ceily, made a big fuss. So we...are...um tr-trying to be less all over e-each other."
"When did you decide this?"
"It j-just happened. We d-didn't need to talk about it."
"Oh...like you and me when we have those silent agreements?"
"Exactly."
"Well I don't think I like it. I know you love each other...that if there was no me, that you would have ended up with her."
"You d-don't know that."
"I do. If not her, then Ari."
She put down her journal and sighed.
"But I'm w-with you."
"You are."
"And I choose y-you."
"I know."
"Do I n-need to prove it?"
"That'd be nice." I admitted.
She'd been home a week and we hadn't gotten sexy even once. I know she's self conscious with that ankle monitor and with me healing but I wanted her and we finally had a rare night at home all alone.
"Let me f-finish up here and then...after d-dinner we can...have some fun." She winked at me and I groaned.
She was hot...even like this in flannel pajamas, her hair in a messy bun and no makeup. I wanted her always.
I got myself ready for her. I took a shower, I cleaned our toys...changed the sheets and sat waiting for over an hour.
The next day, I'd return to work and our chance would be missed if we didn't take advantage of this alone time.
So when I went back downstairs on a mission and I felt immediately dejected when she looked freshly showered and was sporting a giant t shirt as she continued to write in that journal.
"Baby?" I called her and she smiled up at me softly.
"Yes, love?"
"Are you hungry?"
She hesitated and then looked surprised as she nodded at me.
"Actually...I am."
"You can write later or tomorrow...let's enjoy our time together."
She scribbled something really quick and then put the book down before extending her hand to me. It warmed me all up inside when she took my hand in hers and kissed it.
I fed her leftovers and some fruit and then watched as she ate slowly and told me all about the woman that she met while being locked up. I was completely focused on her lips as she spoke to me about her new crusade to save this woman...Enda?
Was that right?
I was completely lost in the sound of her voice and the way she had a dimple just below her lip that nothing else really mattered. All I wanted was to suck her lip between my teeth and nibble it until it was swollen.
But I was trying to give her my attention, even if all I wanted was to touch her, tease her, and taste her. .
I was drumming my fingers against my thighs as I hunched over the table and imagined how soft her lips were at that exact second. She poked her tongue out just enough to wet them and I melted right there.
"Yum." I muttered.
"Yum? B? A-Are you even listening to me right now?" I looked up at her irritated eyes and smiled.
"I'm sorry, Ana...it's just...I could be fucking you right on this table right now." I pleaded.
"What?"
"I just...it's like the other day when you promised I could stick it anywhere, it's all I can think about and right now we have the house to ourselves and I just need to have you." I said honestly.
"Right now?" she cocked her eyebrow.
"Yes." I growled.
Where did that come from?
She'd finished eating and then drank some water before coming to my side of the booth and climbing onto my lap. She straddled my upper thighs and hoisted up her night shirt, revealing that she was completely naked underneath. My eyes bulged as I felt her warmth and wetness brush my bare thigh.
"I w-want you too, B." she said in that raspy voice of hers.
I sat there in awe of her as she placed a hand on either side of my face and crashed her lips into mine and I swear, I almost came right then and there.
Things became hot and heavy as I wasted no time and shoved three fingers inside of her.
"Fuck!" she bit down hard on my lip and even though I could taste the harsh metallic taste of my blood, I kept pounding into her. She tried to move with me but I gripped her waist with my free hand so that I could hold her in place.
"Does it feel good, baby?"
"Fuck, yes...B!" she groaned against my ear. "D-Don't stop...go harder baby." she pleaded and I gave her what she asked for.
She was getting increasingly louder, I captured her lips and sucked in her moans as I hit deep inside of her, harder and harder. She came in a shuddering mass but I didn't stop...I don't like to stop when her orgasm comes.
Ever.
"We have to make up for lost time, Ana." I said as I flicked her clit. She came immediately, her arms wrapped tightly around me as she bounced on my hand.
"M-More, B...give me more."
"More?"
"Yes...more of you."
"Like this?" I added another finger and she groaned and bit my shoulder, hard.
"Yes!" she said as she ground down harder. "So goo...ahh...good!" she said with a crazy look in her eyes. With my other hand, I gripped her ass and helped her grind down onto my hand.
Then I watched with satisfaction as she came again, this time soaking my hand. I wiped it on her shirt and then wrapped my arms around her as she slumped against me.
"I love you, Ana."
"Um...yes...I l-love you too, Britt Britt." she said with a yawn as she laid her face against my shoulder and promptly fell asleep.
This was is how things were supposed to be.
I was on a crusade to get us back to where we started and with her now forced to be home all the time, I knew that now was my opportunity!
So I was going to take it and run!
Ana was always lighter than me, but lately she was feeling extra light. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until, I stood up with her wrapped around me. It was like I was carrying Xavier again. She felt feather light and it worried me.
Back in sophomore year, when we first started to fooling around, she had been light like this.
I remember inviting her to sleep over my house and we pigged out on pizza and ice cream. I had passed out watching Sweet Valley High and when I woke up a little while later, it was still mid episode but Ana was gone.
I figured that she had gone to get more ice cream but as I passed by the kitchen and by default the downstairs bathroom, I heard a gagging noise.
I pushed the door open and saw her with her fingers shoved down her throat. I didn't understand it, so I had left her alone. It wasn't until the next day when I talked to Quinn about it, that she explained how Ana had been dealing with bulimia for over a year. After that I researched it on the internet and read a ton of articles that told me all about it.
I confronted her with the printed out articles and she promised me that she wouldn't make herself throw up again.
She kept that promise because after that she started to run on the track team, constantly telling me that she would just exercise the weight off. I didn't think it was a problem until I noticed that the more she exercised, the less she ate.
This time, I knew that it was anorexia and I knew that no amount of confronting her was going to make her better.
Ever since, she found out that she was pregnant with Izzy, Ana did everything right, as far as eating went. As far as I knew anyway and when it came to Dani...she had no choice because she wasn't awake most of the time.
But now...with all that baby weight she had gained in the last year...I had a feeling that she was falling back into old habits.
As I carried her up the stairs, my mind was going in circles, trying to figure out just how to stop this before it got out of control again.
Is this why we hadn't been having sex?
Had prison been that intense for her?
It was one night? I was in there for five!
But her experiences were always going to be different, she had a permanent tan that made racists double take while I was apparently, something to be desired.
Cue eye roll.
Something had gotten under her skin and it was my job to help her feel leveled out but I knew that I couldn't deal with it alone.
We would get back to being ourselves, not for me but for our kids.
They were what was most important that and us being healthy enough to take good care of them.
Once we were in bed, she tore off her shirt and truly did let me stick it anywhere as she screamed for me.
"I love you." I kept whispering and I swear she began crying at some point but every time I'd stop she'd growl.
"F-Fuck me until I pass out."
It made me feel all weird inside, like maybe I should have insisted on stopping but instead I kept going.
"You sure, baby?"
"Yesss...B...pl-please. Don't stop...please." She sniffled as she threw her ass back against me.
"I love you." I kept saying but she wouldn't say it back.
She had definitely not come back home as herself and it worried me.
Is this what Q was seeing that had her steering clear?
Maybe Ana just needed time to get her head straight again.
I mean, she'd been through a lot since she woke up from that coma, so instead of pulling away like Quinn was doing, I just gave her what I thought she needed.
After she passed out, I wiped her clean and then pulled her body against mine.
Exhausted, I followed her into sleep, afraid to let go of her for even a second.
And when Quinn came into our room early in the morning so she could be here with Ana while I worked, she put my sleeping children straight to bed and then she looked at my sleeping wife a little too long...I knew that she was concerned about something that I wasn't seeing.
I hated it.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Hmm?"
"Why are you two being weird?"
"I am nervous and I don't want to say the wrong thing. That's it."
"You're lying." I said and she shrugged.
"I'll be here all day to have her back. By the time you get back, we will have talked and I will get over myself. Promise."
"Thanks, Q. Sleep well."
"Thanks."
Santana's POV
I woke up feeling deliciously sore and expecting Daniela to be awake and begging to eat but when I looked over, she was still sound asleep.
Strange.
"Oh...there was still some milk left, I fed her already while you slept. I just put her down."
"You didn't have to do that."
I didn't like that I was being so sensitive after Britt did something so sweet but to be honest...it was one of my favorite things to do these days. It was one of the only things that I could do these days.
Last night, had been eye opening for me, there was this dark part of me that missed the abuse from Marco. I missed being put in my place and with Britt...well I just felt too dirty and undeserving of her to ask for what I really wanted.
But she kept loving me and it hurt in the worst way, it was like that the sweeter that she was, the more it stung.
"I just wanted you to get some sleep. I know that I kept you from it last night."
"Ummm..yea you did." I could feel my face get hot as I turned towards her and felt the soreness between my legs. "Did I g-go too far asking y-you to fuck me l-like that?" I asked, suddenly realizing that in my exhaustion, I'd pushed her against a limit we hadn't touched in an eternity.
"Yea...about that-"
She was cut off by her phone ringing and I felt like I was saved from a talk that I wasn't going to like. I could just tell from the look in her eyes. I took the opportunity of her distraction to get up from the bed and head to the shower.
Getting clean, without a cavity search or prying eyes was quickly becoming my only desire. Being in prison had stuck with me, right down to the ever present reminder that I was still in deep shit, I just was allowed to be at home.
Unlike most.
Is there a version of survivor's guilt for house arrest detainees?
If so, I think I'm being suffocated by it.
When I placed my feet on the floor, I felt the heaviness of the plastic shackle and just sat there staring down at the down at the ugly black anklet. Silently thanking God that it was winter and I had no need to wear a bikini...not that I could leave the house anyway.
And then I felt vain for thinking about the inconvenience of it being seen in my bikini.
Tears were threatening to come and I knew that Britt was watching, she was ALWAYS watching, so I lifted my chin and sucked down my emotions and walked slowly towards the bathroom.
She was talking in hushed whispers as she made the bed. Then she sat there, looking irritated but I still made sure to drop a normal kiss on her head before going to take a normal shower where I would try to keep my sobs as quiet as possible.
When I climbed out of the shower and walked into the bedroom, Britt was still there, completely dressed, with the phone glued to her ear while dressing Isaac on the bed. I walked into the closet and began to change into an old track suit and did everything to calm the nausea in my gut. I stared at my vanity, wishing there was something that I could do to quell this panic.
Today would be Britt's first day back to work, which meant it was going to be the first day that it was me and the kids and I had to be sober.
Enda couldn't have her kid because she was in prison, and because I wasn't...not really, I needed to honor her. So I ignored the fact that there is always a dealer at the cart up the street that is within my walking parameters.
My stomach panged with hunger and nausea simultaneously as I kept mulling over the ways that I could score. How easy would it be? I still knew people and there was nothing stopping me from having them meet me in my driveway...or on the front stoop.
But I couldn't.
No. I looked in the mirror and tried to see in my own eyes, the sober girl that I was instead of the junkie that C.O. had seen me as but I could see the junkie.
Could, B?
The bile was rising in my throat. I did my best to choke back the need to vomit and silently walked back across the room, past Britt and into the bathroom. I locked the door and promptly fell to my knees. I had to get it out.
This wasn't intentional.
It was a part of the cravings. Nothing more. I couldn't help it.
I leaned over but nothing came out.
Fuck.
I had long ago promised B that I wouldn't make myself throw up and I had managed to keep that promise for the most part, right now, I felt the need to keep every promise while I knelt over the porcelain bowl.
Then I remembered something that I had learned from one of the Cheerios. I took a deep breath and sucked in my stomach and then pushed it out, I repeated this swiftly, over and over again until I felt the bile rising.
I didn't hold back this time as it came rushing over my tongue and down into the bowl.
Knock. gag. Knock. gag. Knock. heave.
I was dry heaving now as I heard Britt knocking on the door.
She knew.
That's what this was about.
She fucking knew what I was doing.
This was not what I needed.
I needed the calm.
I had to make this right before she read to much into it.
Quinn's POV
With Santana, we have just always been able to look at each other and know when the other needed space but when I looked at her this last few days, there was something darker that I hated to see.
When we were teenagers...the year before Brittany showed up in our lives, there was a time that Marco was openly punishing her, to her father's delight. He didn't bruise her but he would fuck her hard. He would punish her with sex and with his words.
At one point, when she laid curled in my lap, her ass too sore for her to sit down comfortably and her throat raw. I offered to call the cops or tell a teacher but she looked me right in the eye and told me that she deserved it.
"He's trying to get the gay out of me, Q and I want him to. I hurt him by sleeping with Puck and by losing our baby, I need to let him cleanse me. He knows what's best."
I remember thinking she'd finally lost her fucking mind, it took time but once Britt showed up that look in her eyes changed.
She began to fight Marco off. I thought that look would be gone for good and it was...even when she married him.
Then she came back from prison and that look was back...this time though, I was scared of what it meant.
I couldn't talk to her about it in front of B. There were just some things that were easier to talk to your friends about...I think this was one of them. I tried to soften it when I talked to B.
But I'm not sure she believed me.
When I came down to get our day started, I'd expected Britt to be getting ready to leave or already be gone but there she sat, on the phone and playing with Izzy.
"Hey B, where's San?" I asked, ready to babysit her today and hopefully figure out this heaviness between us that I couldn't quite explain to Britt.
"She's in the bathroom...with the door locked." She said in a whisper, while covering up the phone.
"Is everything alright?"
"I'm not sure...I think...uh...can you just check on her? I'm on hold with my boss...apparently it's important, please take care of her like you used to, Q...please, while I take Izzy down to eat?"
"Um."
"Please, Quinnie?"
"Okay, you got it, B."
Britt quickly scooped up Izzy and headed out of the room. I looked over and saw that Dani was still asleep, so I couldn't yell through the door. I knocked and heard a choking sound.
Fuck.
Not this again.
I hated Sue Sylvester for ever suggesting to Santana that she could stand to lose some weight. Ever since we were kids, she always weighed less than me but her hips made her look shapelier than she actually was which made her think that she was fat.
Underneath her clothes she was nothing but skin and bones and I don't care what the magazines say, that is not sexy and there was only so much I could do, since she basically lived alone and I couldn't be there to make sure that she ate.
I tried my best right up until my pregnancy. I felt relieved when B stepped in but even that didn't really work like it should have.
The pregnancies saved Santana's life and now with her not being pregnant anymore and with that look in her eyes, I knew that this time around things could get pretty bad.
"San, it's me...open the door...or I swear I will knock it the fuck down."
I heard shuffling and then the lock clicked. I stood back just in case she planned to walk out but she didn't. So, I pushed the door open and saw San standing at the sink brushing her teeth. I made a move towards the toilet to sit and she flinched, quickly reaching over, shutting the lid and flushing it.
"You okay, San?" I asked as I sat there staring at her reflection. She was avoiding my eyes.
She shrugged and then continued to brush her tongue. I waited there patiently because I knew this game.
The more I asked of her, the more she would avoid the subject, so I had to wait for her to talk. I was silent as she began to wash and dry her face. Britt was thankfully still here for the kids, so for the moment, I could focus on helping my friend.
I had picked up one of those stupid trashy magazines that she liked so much because I wasn't going to just sit and stare.
"I don't know how you read these." I muttered as I thumbed through the pages.
Finally I heard her sigh. I put down the stupid magazine and looked up at my oldest friend. San was leaning against the sink with her hands clenched. Her body was shaking and she had a desperate look in her eyes.
"What's going on San? Did something happen in prison?"
She had a cold, hard look in her eyes all of a sudden and was clenching her hands into fists.
"I...the cravings are getting really bad." She said in an icy voice. "I just...n-need something to t-take the edge off. Like...remember the cornfield. You h-helped me."
"We agreed to never discuss that."
"I know...I j-just don't know how I can make it th-this time."
"Have you told Britt?"
"She kn-knows...she just doesn't know how bad it is." she looked at me in that serious, secretive way.
She didn't want me to run to B about this because she didn't actually know.
"Should I be worried Santana?" she looked at me wide eyed.
It was a simple question on the outside but it was also loaded. It was something that I had asked her a lot over the years and she never lied when I asked it.
"I want to say no."
She said as she covered her face with her hands.
"But?"
"If I were you...if I were B..." she trailed off as she wiped a few tears. Just like that she was turned back towards the sink and scrubbing her face again.
"Tell me what you need San." I asked after she rinsed her face with scalding water this time
She stood there for a long while, staring into her reflection. She was at war with herself.
Dani began crying and immediately her features softened and a small smile graced her lips.
She walked towards the open doorway and then hesitated, looking back at me with that dark look in her eyes.
"I need a miracle." she whispered before walking into her bedroom to feed the baby.
The defeat in San had me concerned. It was something I rarely saw, it only really happened when it involved Marco.
She was right, she needed a miracle.
We all did.
Brittany's POV
"What do you mean she pulled out of the show? Before I left for LA she was all set! After the surgery, she was excited to heal and dance."
I was pacing the kitchen as Izzy shoved Cheerios in his mouth. I felt like I was going to rip my hair out.
"Look Brittany, we are willing to keep her on...but I've talked to her and she was adamant about withdrawing from the production."
"Let me talk to her before you make any final decisions."
"Ok. Good luck we'll see you in the theater in an hour...don't be late again."
I slammed the phone down on the counter.
"Fuck." I muttered.
"Fuc!" I heard from behind me.
Crap.
"Did he j-just curse?" Ana asked as she came into the kitchen looking pale but with a smile on her face.
"It was me...I forgot he could hear me."
"Fuc!" Izzy squealed again. "Fuc Mami!" he said as he clapped his hands together.
Ana looked at me and pointed a finger at her chest.
"D-Did my son just curse at me? This is ridiculous." she muttered as she cleaned up his high chair, angrily picking up soggy cereal and shooting me dirty looks.
"What's ridiculous?" Q came into the kitchen with her phone to her ear.
"Britt cursed and now-"
"Fuc Dama!" Izzy squealed cutting Ana off.
Quinn looked horrified as she stared at Izzy. Ana dumped the soggy bits in the sink and then Q, picked Izzy up from the high chair.
"I'm gonna put him in his playpen so he can watch Elmo...maybe he will forget the word! Relax, San." she said before leaving us alone.
"Hungry, baby?" I asked her.
"No." She was lying but I could see that Izzy cursing had put her on edge. "We t-talked about watching what you say around him."
"I know, I'm sorry. Don't let your anger be the reason that you don't eat...please eat."
"Fuc, fuc, fuc." Izzy screeched.
"S-Stop it I-Isaac Aden! Stop!" Ana yelled out into the living room. Then she glared at me before she left the kitchen.
I followed her out and could see Q trying to distract him with Elmo but he just kept saying it.
Ana was pleading with him but he wouldn't stop.
Q and I just stood there staring at each other and then it happened, Quinn put her hands over her face and her body began to shake. I thought she was crying.
"Baby...let me...call you back!" she said into the phone before hanging up. I looked at her waiting for her to freak out or something but she ended up holding her side and laughing hysterically.
She laughed so hard that it was quickly contagious.
I don't know how long or how loud we were but when Ana glared at us we both ended up laughing harder with tears in our eyes and red faced.
"A-Are you fucking kidding me right now?"
"Fuc!" Izzy squealed from the living room.
"Ha!" Quinn said as she pointed towards Ana. "You...you...you did it too!"
"Ugh! Grow up!" With that last statement she stormed up the stairs slammed the door to our room.
"Wait for it..." Quinn put a finger to her lips and pointed towards the ceiling. One second passed and then I heard it. Dani started wailing her little head off.
"Fuck!" Ana yelled from upstairs. "B!" My laughter dried up as I realized that she sounded desperate, like she was on a cliff and we were shoving her closer to the edge.
"How about I take Izzy to the cart to grab breakfast while you calm her down?"
"No fair...why do you get out of this?" I said pouting.
"Brittany Susan Lopez!" Ana yelled again.
Quinn laughed. "Because you got the girl...now you have to deal with her!" Quinn winked as she headed over to Izzy and I headed slowly up the stairs.
"When will you be back?"
"Not long, I know you have work. Twenty minutes, tops." I stood halfway up the steps looking at her as she put on Izzy's coat and hat.
"Don't be too long."
"B! I know you heard me!" Ana was at the top of the steps now holding a still crying Dani.
"Grabbing food with Izzy, I'll be right back, San!" Quinn was out the door before I made it up the stairs. Ana looked close to breaking and I felt totally responsible for it.
Fuck.
"I can't b-believe you would take r-raising our son as a j-joke! This is serious!" she said as she rocked Dani back to sleep.
"Why don't you just breastfeed her?" I asked as I followed her into the bedroom.
I thought it was a harmless question but apparently I was wrong.
"No! I d-don't want her to become a fat ass. I j-just fed her...she's just tired!"
"Calm down, Ana." I said as I tried to take the baby from her but she swung around and walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I went to open it but then the lock clicked in place.
"Please don't shut me out like this." I said as I slammed my hand into the door.
"T-Take your meds Britt."
"They are in there with you!" I said angrily.
The door clicked open and then suddenly I was pushing the door open and forcing my way in. She looked up at me in a panic all of a sudden. It wasn't until I saw her face, that I stopped my forward motion and froze. Catching my reflection in the mirror.
My face was red and my hand was raised up in a fist.
What the hell?
I dropped my hands and walked over to the side medicine cabinet and grabbed my pill counter. I flipped open today's lid and there was my small little pill waiting for me. I went to grab it when I saw her hand go past my own and flip open yesterday's lid and there was that pill too.
"I knew it." she muttered before stepping back and sitting down on the closed toilet lid.
The world was silent...even Dani had finally given in and fallen into a quiet state. She and her mother looked at me with wide eyes...I had forgotten.
I hadn't taken two pills and already, I was turning back into a monster. I turned on the faucet of the sink and cupped my hands under the water. I could feel her eyes on me as I swallowed some water and then I stood up, picked up two pills and dropped them into my mouth. I swallowed, cupped more water in my hands and drank it down in long cold sips.
Dear God...please let me be able to fix this.
Santana's POV
This was all my fault.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't turned into a battered victim or anything but I did kind of push her over the edge when I wanted her to be rough with me and then I was screaming at her this morning because I was frustrated with the way that I was feeling and with Isaac's new favorite word. I didn't mean to flip out on her.
Just like I'm sure she didn't mean to raise her hand to me, especially while I was holding the baby.
The look in her eyes when she realized what she was about to do, told me all that I needed to know about her intentions.
She was scared and normally I would fit right in but suddenly my neck was sore and my throat was tight.
I watched as she took her pills...today's and yesterday's. I could tell that she was afraid to look at me.
Dani wriggled a little and so I looked down at her. She was fast asleep.
Finally.
I had left Britt standing in the bathroom, while I walked to the nursery and put Daniela down for her morning nap. If we were quiet she would be asleep for the next three hours. I took my time, tucking the baby in and then I kissed her sweet face. I turned on the baby monitor and then after staring at her another minute or so, I finally left the room. As I entered our bedroom, I heard it.
The bathroom door was closed again and I could hear her sobbing from behind the door. I hated to hear her cry, it made something deep inside of me crumble. It was like watching someone hurt a defenseless animal or worse a child. I sucked in my pride and knocked on the door.
"I'll be out in a sec." she said softly.
"B? L-Let me in." I begged.
"I said...I'll be out in a sec." she said again, this time more firm.
"Um...okay...did you eat? Can I make you something?"
"I'm okay...Q is bringing food, I can eat on my way to work...just please go write in your journal or something."
"Oh...um...ok...I'll just-" she cut me off.
"Damnit, Santana...just go already!" she yelled. I jumped back and just nodded even though she couldn't see me.
I was officially worried.
Where are you?-San
I was eating a banana and drinking water in the kitchen feeling anxious and wishing that Quinn hadn't of left. I needed a buffer right now between me and Britt.
I'm on my way back :)-Q
Oh. How's Isaac?-San
More time went by as I sat there and there was still no sign of Britt. I bounced my feet against the floor as I tried to keep myself occupied. There was something that I was trying not to do.
Something really fucking bad.
He's good, got him a red fire truck from corner store and now he keeps saying truck. Instead of the other word :)-Q
That's amazing. Thanks!-San
Should I be worried right now?-Q
I hated when she asked that fucking question, I could just see her eyes boring into my soul, reading me for what I really was.
Just trying to stay busy.-San
Tell me that there isn't anything in that house!-Q
There isn't anything in the house.-San
But you know where some is?-Q
Maybe.-San
On my way!-Q
No...I'm fine, B is here.-San
Yea but she's locked in the bathroom.-Q
How did you know?-San
She just texted me. I'm telling her.-Q
NO!-San
Too late...see you in a few minutes.-Q
Great.-San
I was locked in my car holding the last baggie that had escaped from the massive sweep of my house.
It was right under the seat of the car, all this time, since Lima almost a year ago.
My tinted windows in the dark garage were probably keeping anyone from seeing me immediately.
I sat there, legs crossed, with the ankle monitor digging against my opposite thigh.
"I c-could just take the edge off...just a little bit..." I muttered to myself.
"And then what?" I froze...that voice hit right to the heart of me. I looked to the passenger side and there sat Ian.
Great...I was hallucinating!
"You're dead...I know that you're not real." I said in a shaky voice. I cleared my throat and closed my eyes willing him to go away.
"You have too much faith to believe that. Open your eyes." Ian said.
I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes. He was still there, bright blue eyes staring into mine. I swallowed back the burning bile in my throat and allowed the tears to flow down my cheeks.
"Fine...you win." I said as I returned my eyes to the baggie in my hand.
"Do I?" he said softly.
"Of all the times...why now?" I said to the baggie.
"Because of all the things that you have done or were about to do...this moment can change the rest of your life...our kid's life. It's not just you anymore."
I sighed and wiped my face with the back of my hand.
"I just...I keep fucking up, Papa Bear...I miss you so much. Why did you leave us?"
"You know why. I wasn't meant to be here anymore but I never left you. You are not alone. You have so many people surrounding you, Mami. So many people that care about you and want the best for you. Including me."
"I h-hate what you did."
"I know."
I looked at him...he was so real...like I could just reach out and touch him but that scared me even more.
"Can this really change everything?"
"Of course."
"I don't even want it, you know." I was backpedaling and lying to Ian and myself. He knew. He didn't respond. He just looked at me. "Okay...fine. Maybe I do." I admitted.
"If this were Izzy...what would you tell him?"
I hesitated as I thought of Daniela or Isaac in this position, one foot in jail, one foot in chaos, what would I tell them.
"Keep moving forward...don't give up." I finally whispered.
"Then you know what you need to do."
I turned towards him ready to ask him what he thought but he was gone. I looked towards his chair and then suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a face pressed to the glass looking right at me. I jumped back in shock and stared into Britt's swollen, red eyes.
She had been watching me and waiting to see what I would do.
I took the bag and tossed it on the passenger seat and then rested on my forehead against the steering wheel and took deep breaths.
What had I almost done?
Quinn's POV
I rushed into the house with Izzy in my arms. I hugged him to my chest as he hummed to himself and drove his truck across my chest.
"Truck." he said quietly, it was almost time for his nap. "Truck, Dama." he said again.
"Yes, Izzy, truck." I took off his coat and shoes and then laid him back in his play pen.
I was about to call out for B or San but then Britt came flying down the stairs and running past me. When Izzy saw Britt running, he stood up and reached for me to pick him up.
And because I didn't want him to cry, I picked him up and then followed Britt through the kitchen and towards the garage. By the time I made it out to the garage door, Britt was standing there, with her face pressed against the glass of the car.
"Who is she talking to? There's no one in there." Britt whispered.
"San's talking to her angels again. Trust her, B. Trust." I said loud enough for Britt to hear me.
"Trus" Izzy said. I looked at his sleepy face and smiled as he tried to mimic me. "Trus." he said again.
This time louder.
I saw Britt drop her hands and step back from the car. She was staring at the dark tint but she wasn't making a move and then I heard the doors unlock and then the door slamming. San came walking around the car and stood there staring as the ground.
She was crying.
"Ma!" Izzy all of a sudden started crying and reaching towards San. "Mami! Ma!" He screamed.
San's face shot up and she looked at her son who was wiggling out of my arms.
The smile on her face was surrounded by her tears but she didn't hesitate as she walked slowly over to me and held her arms out to Izzy.
"Ma!" he screamed again as he leaned out of my arms. I looked in her eyes, just to make sure. I had to know if she was herself or not.
She looked at me clear eyed and then snatched Izzy up and began whispering in his ear. His face changed and he smiled as she spoke just to him.
The look in her eyes was different now.
She looked peaceful.
Resolved.
I liked it...a lot!
Brittany's POV
"I don't have to go."
"Please...go...I'll be fine. I promise."
"But in the car..." I saw her face drop and I just nodded and turned around. Ana was breastfeeding Dani while Izzy laid asleep next to her in the bed.
Tony had called me and told me that Ari had sent in a couple of her friends to try out as our two leading guys. The bosses wanted me down at the theater to practice and to supervise the auditions. I also needed to talk to Ari in person and see where her head was.
After following Ana up to the room, she didn't really speak to me. She just laid down in the bed and rubbed Izzy's back, singing to him all the while. I tried to talk but she would shoot me dangerous looks.
So I just was waiting but then my phone rang.
When I told her what I had to do, she looked at me with cold eyes and just nodded. She went on to lay Izzy down and pick Dani up. Once I told her that I needed to leave, she didn't pay me any mind, she just stayed wrapped up in staring at the baby.
"Okay...well...I'm gonna go now then. Okay? Is there anything that I can get you?" I asked as I leaned over the bed and kissed Izzy's face.
"D-Diapers and some applesauce." she said in a far off voice without taking her eyes off the baby.
"Okay...I'm leaving." I said again as I pressed a kiss to Dani's head and then I tried to kiss her lips but she just turned her head so that my lips landed on her cheek.
"See you." she said without looking at me.
"Call me, if you need me. I'm going to keep my phone on just for you. Okay?" I stood there over her and she still wouldn't look at me and it was killing me inside.
"I'll be fine. J-Just go."
"Um...ok...I love you, Ana." I said. She nodded and it made me batty inside. I dropped to my knees and pulled her chin towards me. She kept her eyes closed as I leaned in and brushed a kiss across her lips. I didn't wait for a response this time when she refused to kiss me back, instead, I got to my feet and left.
I was so angry as I stormed down the steps.
This was not how it was supposed to be. I was putting my earbuds in on my way down the steps when I felt a grip on my arm.
Sparks went through me as I froze on the steps. She pulled me around and now we were eye level even though I was a step down.
"I'm so sorry! I love you. Ok? P-Please don't be mad at me." she said as she gripped my hands.
I let go of her hands and ran my fingers up her arms, lightly over her neck and into her hair. I pulled her face towards me and allowed our lips to meet. I didn't have any words for what I felt and I didn't need them as I caressed her bottom lip with my tongue before diving in.
I pulled her harder against me when I felt her legs wrap around my waist. She rested against me as she kissed me with everything she had. I could still feel the tremors from her cravings, she was dropping her walls for me and allowing me to feel what she felt without hiding it.
My cheeks were wet from her tears and my stomach clenched with the overwhelming emotions that I could feel rolling off of her.
She clung to me tightly as she poured everything into that kiss and I kept myself open and receptive to it.
It's like she had opened up all the doors and windows to her fortress and was inviting me to see everything she had bottled up inside.
My phone was buzzing again but I just stayed planted right where I was allowing my wife to speak to me the only way she really knew how.
And I understood every word.
She was desperate, lonely, scared, frustrated, turned on, feeling lost, disgusting, dirty, unworthy, and trapped.
I understood...because in many ways...I felt exactly the same.
It was entirely unexpected but it didn't seem as weird as it should have.
Quinn stood on the side of us, wrapping her arms around us, with her head on Ana's shoulder.
She began mumbling words that I could barely make out.
After a few moments I realized that she was singing a song.
Britney?
"Nothing seems to be the way, that it used to, everything seems shallow...God give me truth." she mumbled in her raspy voice. I couldn't really remember the words to Someday (I will understand) but I hummed along to the melody.
Ana pulled away from my lips and rested her head on my shoulder. We were now wrapped around each other.
As unholy as it was...it opened my eyes.
This is what everything was about. This is what we needed to get back to.
Relying on each other and allowing ourselves to be open and heal through each other.
We needed to get back to the girls who left Lima together last summer in pursuit of happiness.
I finally understood.