Chapter 45: Oceans (Coldplay)

Santana's POV

My skin was on fire as I was tossed on the dark waves, the water splashing my face is threatening to take me under and I choke on it.

Everything hurts and stings but then there are these moments where I feel still and cool, safe.

When I wake up, the room is dark and I'm not alone.

There are voices around me, talking about what they need to do to save me from myself.

I heard Celia's voice and my blood runs cold.

"It's my fault, I said some fucked up shit to Quinn earlier about how I blame Ana for all of the shit she's been through. I talked about her like she was nothing to me and when I got back, she was already off the deep end."

"Don't blame yourself." Mari said, her voice accompanied by her touch against my forehead and then our eyes meet. "Can you hear me?" She asks and I look at her for a long moment, trying to take in her eyes and her sadness. I had pulled her away from her newborn in my selfishness.

"Yes." I said, my throat sore and the sound of my own voice too loud.

There was shuffling and then Celia was looking down at me too...and Sandra.

My sisters had finally shown up, it's a shame that this is what it took though. I'd been drowning for a while.

Nice of them to show up.

"Hey, I'm so sorry baby girl." Ceily said.

"Me too." I said to her and she raised an eyebrow.

"You're an addict, we can't blame you for breaking."

"No. Th-That's not what I'm sorry for."

"Then what?"

"I f-fucked her. After you left. R-Right in this bed."

There was a fire in her eyes and I think if I hadn't almost just died, that she would have killed me with her bare hands.

"That's not funny, Ana."

"S-She sc-screamed for me. Even breaking down, y-your stupid j-junkie sister...stole your girl." I said, glaring at her, thinking of what she had said about me, my kids, and my habits.

"Ana, stop it." Sandra was saying and then I was cackling, harshly, reminding myself of Papi at his meanest.

I watched Celia wipe tears from her face and then the door slammed.

Welp...she started it.

I passed out after cackling so much that I choked.

Even with my crassness, I still was wrapped up tight in Sandra's arms for most of the night.

When I woke up again, Mari was gone, probably gone to take care of her baby and that was fine with me...she'd saved my life, yet again and I owed her so fucking much.

"You awake?" Sandra asked me as she rested her head on my shoulder.

"Yeah."

"How are you feeling?"

"Alone."

"Even now?"

"Yes."

"Well you're not alone."

"B...she's not here." I said, feeling the tears clogging up my throat.

"She's sleeping in your office. Want me to get her?"

"No. I n-need you."

"Okay...talk to me, Ana."

"N-Next time, let me die." I said, more tears coming.

"No. I won't lose you."

"E-Everyone is better without me."

"This is your postpartum talking, Ana. This is your grief swallowing you but you don't want to die...you don't want to leave those babies."

I sobbed hard as I thought of my babies.

And my sister just held me tight as I wept.

It's what I really needed all day, just to be held and if I had called her at any point in the day, she would have made her way to me...for this.

But I hadn't, instead I had spiraled and was left with the person who was just going to try to bandage me the best way she knew how...so now I'd imploded my own life and dragged Quinn down too...and Celia...and my marriage.

I was a poison.

"I'm j-just tired...so f-fucking tired."

"We are going to get you help, Anita." Came a scratchy voice that made me both hot and cold at the same time.

Ari had been the last person that didn't see me as a junkie until tonight.

I watched my oldest friend climb up from the floor and lay in front of me, her eyes looking into mine like Quinn's had before everything had completely gone to shit.

"Ari." I whimpered. "I'm so s-sorry."

"Me too, we all failed you and I'm so sorry, babe. So freaking sorry. I kept Britt from you today, she was taking care of me when she should have been here with you. I'm sorry."

The reality of why B hadn't come home hit me. She'd been helping someone and not just someone, but Ari.

I gripped Ari's hands and brought them to my lips, crying against them.

"F-Forgive me." I said. "Please, Arita...p-please?"

My sister held me and then so was Ari...they were praying over me as I wept.

And then I fell into a peaceful sleep with that security surrounding me.

I was floating out of the water...my body suspended between the darkness and the light.

And all I could see was those eyes of blue.

Brittany.

Ian.

Isaac.

Courtney.

Oh God, Court.

My wife was still grieving...still hurting.

And then my own personal demon was dead.

Leaving me with his precious daughter that he had been fighting to get to know...both my children had lost a father to suicide.

The chill in my bones and the ache in my head and feet, was ever present.

And then it all faded to black.

Thankfully.

Quinn's POV

When Britt left me in the nursery, after letting me know that she knew what I had done, I had wept silently.

"Dama?" Izzy called to me, his voice sounding strained and then I heard the wheeze.

Usually when he needed a treatment, we deferred to Britt because he sat with her better than anyone else but there was no way I was going to track her down at that moment.

Maybe she didn't trust me with Santana anymore but I knew that she still trusted me with her kids.

I'd never harm them or put them in danger...unlike...I couldn't let my mind go there.

San was an addict and she had a psychotic break, postpartum had gone unchecked with her and all the spankings in the world weren't going to fix it.

I should have just held her and let her break down but that would have meant getting vulnerable with her.

Which I couldn't do.

That's not how I was built.

I set up Izzy's machine and camped out on the floor between the cribs, creating a little bed out of blankets.

Then I picked him up and brought him to the floor with me. I was so tired that I was afraid to fall asleep with him in my arms, at least this way if we both fell asleep, it would be on a flat surface.

I put his mask on and got the machine started, then I brushed my fingers through his hair and sang to him.

There were footsteps in the hallway and then the door creaked open.

Since the room was only lit by the nightlight, I had to strain to see who it was.

But then I saw the golden curls.

Ari.

She came over and sat next to Izzy, tucking the blanket around him better than I had.

"How is she?" I asked.

"In and out. She keeps having these moments of being lucid and then she passes out again."

"How lucid?"

"Enough for her to tell her sister that she had sex with you."

"Oh God." I groaned...and I thought I was the weak link.

"She has bruises...did you know?"

"Bruises?"

"On her back side...like hand prints. Did you...spank her?" She said the last part in a whisper.

I looked down at Izzy, his face identical to his mother's and I kissed his forehead.

"Anything that we have done has always been consensual. I would never take advantage of her, despite what it may seem but the real question here is, why is that any of your business?" I asked her finally.

"It's not...I just...wish people would stop using force to get through to her. It doesn't work, it just drives her deeper into her head."

"You don't know her like you think you do, Ariana."

"Neither do you. She was so broken and guilty about what you two did. I have every reason to believe that she had those windows open because she was trying to get up the nerve to jump."

"She wouldn't."

"Neither would Moncho...not normally but something pushed him and from what I saw, she was really close to taking herself out. The real question is why are you still here when you contributed to what could have been her death?"

"Can you stop saying that...please?" I was crying now and Izzy scrunched up his face when he saw my tears. He reached his hand towards my face and I leaned closer so he could touch me. "I know he's a baby but he's impressionable still. Maybe I messed up and maybe I should be packing and leaving but I can't...not while she is out of it and Britt's cleaning up the wreckage. She made ME their godmother...not you or her sisters. She trusted me to advocate for them and be here when the world fell down and I'm doing just that."

"If you say so."

"Aren't you here to look after her? Let me do my job and you do yours." I dropped my head after that, pressing my lips against Izzy's head as I held him close and went back to singing to him.

Ari seemed to get the message, leaving finally after making me feel even worse about the state of affairs.

Brittany's POV

"Help." I whimpered into the phone.

"I thought you didn't want to talk to me...God it's like the middle of the night there...what is going on?"

"You were right...she nearly overdosed tonight."

"Oh God. Is she okay?"

"I don't know. Her sisters and Ari are in there with her. Seeing her like that isn't going to help me...I don't know if anything will."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I made a promise to her that I would take the kids away if she ever went off the deep end...I think I don't have a choice."

"Oh Britt...honey...what are you going to do about your marriage?"

"She has to go to rehab. Not in a week or a month, but as soon as possible."

"Yeah, but how are you going to get her to stay in rehab. Remember Lake George?"

I was sitting in her office, curled up on the couch trying to decide my next steps...I could hear them through the wall, talking to each other about what to do about money. With the Lopez sisters, that is what it always seemed to come down to.

But this was about more than money, it was about her life and the life of our kids.

"There's something else too."

"What?"

"She fucked Quinn."

There was a gasp and then a chuckle.

"You know what, B...I'm honestly not super surprised. If I didn't know any better, I'd think they've been fucking this whole time. They could have a whole secret sexual relationship that you know nothing about...think about how crazy that doesn't sound."

"I need to kick her out...and make it clear that she needs to back off."

"Yup, you should have done that a long time ago. She just trots these people she's fucked in your face. You deserve more."

"I do?"

"Yes! You adopted her kids that she created with other people and you have been building your WHOLE life around her every step of the way. You should be on tour right now but what are you doing? You're stressing over her relapsing yet again. When is enough, enough?"

"She's trying...and well I do like Broadway so far."

"As much as potentially dancing on tour?"

"No."

"Are you really happy, B?"

"I..." There was a door slam and then heavy steps passing the door and going up the steps.

When I opened the door, I could see Ceily making her way upstairs.

Had something happened?

"Just be smart about this, Brittany. I get that we can't be together...but that doesn't mean that you should be settling at 19 years old at the very least, it's time for Quinn to go. You are basically letting her mistress live with you and play house with your wife when you're not around."

"Isn't that what you were trying to do when I was staying with you and Siobhan?"

"It was, so I know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Britt?" I looked up and saw Ari's searching eyes.

"I gotta go. Thanks for listening to me."

"Anytime. I love you, B."

"Me too." I muttered before hanging up.

Ari sat down on top of Ana's desk and crossed her arms over herself.

"What now?" I snapped.

"Was that Francis?"

"It was."

"And I'm sure she did her best to turn you against Anita...didn't she?"

"Of course she did and I'm not gonna lie, it kinda worked a little. I can't let Quinn stay here."

"Which thing pushed you over the edge, the spanking or the sex?"

The breath left my body.

"What?"

Ari got paler and shook her head.

"You can see the handprints on her ass...I confronted Quinn about it...she didn't deny it."

And then I was thinking about what Frankie said about them carrying on a whole affair under my nose.

How stupid was I?

The tears came then and I did nothing to stop them.

"Santana loves me."

"Of course she does, that's all she talked about when we were together, her future with you."

"And you were okay with that?"

"I made my peace with the fact that her heart belongs to you. I was just her comfort...with Quinn though, they've been loving each other for so long that the lines get blurred. I don't think Quinn meant to hurt either of you, she just got carried away."

"Yeah, well...she needs to go."

I pulled out the sofa bed for Ari and got her set up in the office, even though I hadn't gotten any sleep at all, I knew that there was no sleep to be had. Not until Quinn was gone and I knew for sure that my wife was okay.

Before I could leave the room, Ari, who was tucked in and clutching a pillow reached out and grabbed my hand.

"Yeah?"

"I agree that Quinn needs to go but remember that in everything, she's always had your back and protected you too. She's just confused...don't be too hard on her. Consider the source of your anger...and how you breaking up your life, might benefit Frankie."

My anger deflated then, she was right.

After I had nearly killed Santana, it was Quinn who stood up for me and protected me from the Lopez family. Not once did she keep Izzy from me and at every chance, she was finding ways for me to know what was going on.

I had been confused before too...thinking that a relationship was more than it was.

Things had been tense, we were all going through our own things and Izzy was crazy attached to her.

I couldn't cut her out of my life...and the truth was, I didn't really want to.

There's no way that my wife had let Quinn do things to her without some sort of consent, she was just trying to fill a need for comfort from someone she trusted. If not Quinn...it would have been Ari. I think where I got confused about all of this, was Quinn's intentions.

My wife wasn't in her right mind...but what was Quinn's excuse.

"Thanks, Ari."

"Anytime...let me know if there is anything I can do. Okay?"

"Right now, I just want you to take good care of my marrow and get some rest. Cool?"

"Yeah. Night."

"Night."

Quinn's POV

By the time that I got Izzy to not only fall asleep but stay asleep, it was nearing 5am. My head was killing me and all I wanted was to go back to the day before and not push Britt out the door for work.

I fell asleep not long after Izzy's second treatment, curled around him on the floor.

Almost as soon as I fell asleep, I felt my arm being lifted from over Izzy and him being picked up. When I opened my eye just a peak, I saw Ceily placing him in his crib. I closed my eyes again and tried to pretend that I hadn't woken up.

But the problem with that kind of deception is that a person who has slept next to you more than once, knows when you're awake generally.

So when her body laid next to mine and she picked up my hand, I knew she'd start talking.

"You can fake being asleep because you are too afraid to look me in the eyes...that's fine...I just wanted to say that even though I said what I said earlier is still very much true to me...I will pick my sister and her happiness over mine, every single time. That being said, I think you and I need some time away from each other. Which means, you don't have to move to Brooklyn...yay."

She sounded so dejected and it pained me deeper than I could have ever imagined.

When Rachel cheated on me with Finn and then Brittany...I was angry but this...here, just hurt.

I opened my eyes, the tears coming fast and she was looking back to me with dry eyes, her Lopez stare more terrifying than Santana's by leaps and bounds.

Which I did not think was possible.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"How long after I left did it take you to fall into bed with her?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Answer the question?"

"An hour or so."

She nodded and then dropped my hands.

"And how long have you been in love with my sister?"

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, hardly able to look in her eyes.

"Since I was six." I admitted and then tried to smile, "but that love, pales in comparison to what I feel for you. Please believe me...I'll do anything to fix this."

"I don't know if that's possible. I could ask you not to talk to her ever again but she's my sister...she's going to be in our lives. You are the godmother of her children and in my family...my culture having a comadre is like having a blood bond with someone. I can no more, ask you to not see her than you can ask me to not be her sister. I just think...you need to take a step back from me...and her...to reevaluate how you feel and if you're just with me because I'm a substitute for her. I won't play second fiddle...especially not to my little sister."

"Are you saying there's a chance for us?"

"I'm saying that you need to reassess your priorities, you say you want Beth back and that you want to be a mom...even though you plan to go to med school. You say that you love me but then you fuck my married sister in her marital bed...when she's having a breakdown. You are acting like a kid...you can't do that anymore. It's time for you to be the woman that you have been pretending to be since you gave birth."

"Wow."

"I'm just calling it how I see it. You harassed me to come out to my mom and I did...even though she's relentless with her taunts now, I did it. Now I'm going to call you on your shit too."

"Noted."

"Good. I'm pulling for you, Luce...fix your shit." She kissed my face and then she got up and left me lying there...with my mind all in tatters.

There was no sleeping after that...I could feel it. The era of me living here with my two best friends was over...I looked at the two sweetest faces other than Beth's and I silently wept.

For them...and for me.

How had everything gotten so screwed up?

Brittany's POV

A reminder buzzed on my phone around 5:30, as I made my way upstairs with a warm bottle for Dani.

Sandra had passed me in the hall on her way upstairs to check on Celia, which meant that I could finally go check on my wife after I fed the baby.

Dani would be up any minute for her morning feeding and I didn't want anyone to be startled awake by her cries, especially Izzy.

I'd gone to check on him at least twice in the middle of the night and both times he and Quinn were curled up on the floor and he was getting a treatment. Maybe I was pissed at her but I knew that regardless of what was going on, she would always look out for the kids and that is probably what saved me from cutting off her fucking hands.

Breathe.

When I walked into the nursery, Quinn had her face pressed against her knees as she wept.

I left her there as I scooped up the baby and left the room.

I'd deal with her later...right then, I needed to see what was going on in my bedroom.

When I pushed the door open, it was mostly dark, so I flicked on a lamp and then sat at the edge of our bed, feeding Dani, while watching her mother twitch in her sleep.

This wasn't how things were supposed to be but this is where we were.

At that moment as I watched her crashing down from her biggest high in months, I thought hard about how I was going to deal with the issues that had brought us to this moment.

How did she and Quinn end up in bed together and how could I have stopped it from happening?

There were so many questions swirling around in my mind but I knew one thing for sure, there was no way that I was going to bring up the things that had just happened.

From what I could tell she'd had a psychotic breakdown...like I did the day I almost killed her. I knew the feeling of a total loss of control and how much it changes you.

Ana didn't deal well with losing control and with everything that had happened to her she had still maintained a level of normalcy but this...this was her completely giving into her impulses and not caring about anything.

She had lost her mind and I knew from experience that when she finally woke up she would be in a very fragile state emotionally and mentally, so I had to tread lightly.

We would get through this.

Drugs and cheating be damned.

We were meant to be together and now that we had both walked in each others shoes, I knew that this would make us stronger as a unit.

I loved her more now than I ever had.

Love does that.

Right?

Dani was an angel baby, she didn't fuss through her bottle or her diaper change, she just wiggled, farted and fell back to sleep.

When I put her down in the nursery, this time Quinn was sitting up against the wall between the cribs with her eyes looking off in a blank stare. Tears streamed down her cheeks and even though she knew that I was in the room, she didn't acknowledge me at first.

I hovered above her for a few seconds, trying to figure out what else could be said other than what I had told her the night before but then she was looking at me with pitiful eyes and talking.

"I'm sorry...B. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have stopped it and I'm sorry that I didn't." her eyes remained locked on mine as she spoke to me. "I went too far...I don't know who started it but please don't be mad at her, I'll take all the blame." Quinn said.

"I'm not mad at her." I said quietly. I was surprised how much that felt like the truth and then I realized that it was.

Quinn's eyes went wide with shock.

"You're not?" her eyebrows scrunched up as she looked at me with hopeful eyes.

"No. I know Santana and she had to be in a really dark place to go there with you. Had it been Ari, I would have been pissed at her because I know that they love each other almost the way that I love her. You though...you don't love her like that and she doesn't love you like that. I know that it will never happen again and I know for a fact that she has punished herself enough over it...so there is no need for me to punish her too."

"So you're not mad at me either?" I wanted to smack that grin off of her face because that wasn't what I had said but then I tried to ignore what Frankie wanted...and my anger over just the betrayal of it all. This was someone who's had my back.

She loved me...she had just made a terrible mistake...it's not like she choked anyone. Once I humbled myself a bit, I responded to her as calmly as I could.

"No matter what happens today, Quinn, I want you to know that you can't live with us anymore. I don't care where you go but it won't be under my roof. You betrayed me, her and these kids that you love so much." She let out a sob at that. Good. "She had no control...she would have slept with whoever it was...even Marco. Sex is just sex to her when she's desperate to gain some control back. I understand her and how it happened on her side...but I don't get why you did it."

I stood there looking at her without shifting my eyes or my feet because I honestly needed to know what she got out of sleeping with my wife.

"I don't know what came over me, B but it will NEVER happen again. I will do better and be better to both of you. I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry too, Quinn. I need you to not be here when she wakes up...which will be very soon." I said as I brushed an exhausted hand through my hair.

I had too much to deal with.

This was at the top of my list.

Thankfully, she didn't put up a fight, instead, she just got to her feet and left the room without a word.

I knew that she would do what I wanted.

Now all I had to do was make sure that Ana was okay.

I walked into my bedroom and shut the door before making my way over to the windows and opening the blinds. The bright March sun peaked in and lit up every corner of the room, including the bed.

I saw her shift under the covers and then she buried her face in a pillow.

She was awake.

I walked to her side of the bed, effectively blocking the window.

"Good morning, Ana." I said softly as I pulled back the blanket and looked down at her body. The bruises that Ari had been referring to were there...Quinn's hand prints on something that wasn't hers.

My anger flared up and I took a moment to grab my pill before coming back to admire my wife's naked body as she buried her face in the covers.

Even with everything that had happened, I desired her still. I kicked off my slippers and slid into the bed and laid against her body.

I felt her stiffen as I put a hand on her lower back and ran it up her spine slowly until I reached the nape of her neck and then I went in the opposite direction and moved my hand towards her lower back again and over the bruising on her ass...so many hand prints.

Fucking Quinn.

I bristled but I had to stay focused.

"Are you hungry?" I whispered against the side of her face as I ran a hand over her body and pulled her against me. "I know that I am." I said suggestively.

"Y-You're such a horndog." That was the first thing that she said to me and it made me smile. She shifted until she was facing me. Her face was swollen and her nostrils were still red.

She was still beautiful.

She still took my breath away.

Santana's POV

I tried to avoid waking up at all, knowing that the reality that I'm about to face is going to be worse than my worst moment the day before, where I had committed adultery, broken my sobriety, and likely severed some relationships.

As I kept my eyes pressed closed, the hangover strong behind my eyes, I knew for a fact that things were going to be bad and I just didn't know if I was ready to deal with it. The cover had been pulled back on all of my anxiety, depression, and addiction.

I had shattered Ari's perception of me, with my willingness to skirt the edges of life and death when she was still fighting for her life, she now had first hand knowledge of just how fucking selfish I could be and it made me feel even sicker.

All I wanted was to hide in my covers for the rest of my life but Britt knew me enough to not let that happen. She knew that I was going to try to avoid waking up on my own and that she was going to have to essentially force me out of bed.

I had so many emotions running through me and there wasn't much that I could do to fix any of it, until I was honest with the love of my life. I had broken our vows in that very bed with the last person that I should have.

And then poor Q...when she gave in to having sex with me, she didn't realize just how tough it would all be on her. I could bounce back, I had money and connections out the ass but she was a scholarship kid who was living in my house rent free. She had no family or friends in New York...not real ones anyway.

If she had to cut herself out of my life, it would break her down and send her towards pink hair dye right when she is on the cusp of motherhood and I really only had myself to blame.

Britt would support me, it's what she did...even though I had completely betrayed her but then she laid at my side and the moment that she touched me, my thoughts and questions were erased.

"I love you Ana...and I'm not going anywhere no matter what happens."

It was at that moment that I realized that she already knew, how could she not...I probably had bruises from the spanking alone but even then...when she brushed her hand over my ass...I felt her love and knew that she wasn't going to let me go.

She leaned in and kissed my lips and I immediately felt the tears drain down my face.

Britt pulled back and wiped at my tears with her thumbs before leaning in and kissing me again.

"I'm not letting you go. I mean that!" she said as she ran her hand over my ass. I closed my eyes and leaned in and kissed her again.

She was taking all the dirty feelings and making them clean.

It was everything that I needed and everything I wanted but nothing that I deserved.

"I love you, B...I'm so sorry."

"I forgive you, baby. Even for Quinn." I sucked in a breath and just nodded in understanding that she knew EVERYTHING. She moved in closer and captured my bottom lip between her teeth. "Let me make it better, Ana. Please?" she said softly.

"What?" I said in shock.

"Just...let me do this?" she pulled me so that I was facing her and was completely against her. "When we leave this room today, the whole world is going to change but for right now in this moment. Let's just be us? Okay?"

I looked at her in shock but I didn't argue.

She was right.

"Okay...but then...we talk?" I asked not wanting the answer but knowing that it was necessary.

"Yes...over breakfast." she said before kissing me again and rolling on top of me.

I looked up into Britt's eyes and felt all the shame and disappointment in myself.

I didn't deserve this.

I didn't deserve her.