Chapter 49: Hard to Love (Lee Brice)

Santana's POV

I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life.

There's loads of stuff that I'm not incredibly proud of and for the most part I have managed to get away with things that most people wouldn't have and I've definitely taken that for granted. I've never seen myself as a selfish brat but the more that I look at the last two years of my life, I realize just how selfish I have been.

Everything that I have done since I lost the baby back when I was just a 13 year-old kid, has been about me trying to control every aspect of my life.

A perfect life...that's what I tried to portray but now that I have been tried and tested, I like to think that I know better now.

Being able to keep a straight face and be honest with the judge in front of Mami and Britt, gave me a feeling of satisfaction that I wish had lasted me all the way to the doors of rehab but that wasn't the case.

I was weaker than I liked to admit.

And I knew that it was time to start acting like a grown up and to take my life more seriously.

I was a mom and a wife and I needed to finally start making decisions that weren't just about me.

My life growing up had been shitty but it was still better than a lot of people that I knew. I needed to give myself room though, to only compare myself to just me. I had so much constant physical and emotional abuse in my life that I had started living through other people.

The drugs and alcohol definitely didn't help.

Now it was time for me to be better. I wanted to be a parent that my kids could be proud of and even if that meant that I was going to miss Isaac's first birthday and I would miss those little milestones with Daniela, I knew that in the long run, those things wouldn't matter to my kids if I ended up being a washed up junkie.

I know that don't deserve my support network and I sure don't deserve B.

I've done nothing short of torture her lately with all of my back and forth, my drug use and she was, still there supporting me even as I'm the one that asks for a break.

For me, it was half self preservation because I didn't want to worry about what she was doing while I was away and half guilt, for keeping her from so many of her dreams.

She was my anchor and I knew that I needed to treat her better.

Britt was taking her medicine upstairs and I was putting our food on plates when there was a knock at the door.

It was just past 7:30 in the morning, my family was full of late sleepers, there was no way that was them.

My nerves were shook, what if Chris had seen fit to walk his ass down the street with a gun to deal with Brittany? I took a deep breath and walked to the front door and looked through the peephole.

I froze but not because of my dealer...instead it was someone much scarier.

"Ana? Is that the door?" Britt peaked into the foyer and I nodded at her as I watched him poised to knock again. "You okay?"

"Y-Yeah." For the first time my stutter came from nerves instead of the strokes.

"Well, who is it?" She said to me, with a confused smile as he knocked again.

"Pr-Priest." I said and she smiled.

"Well let him in."

I nodded, grateful that the skip in my brain was handled by my wife. I pulled the door open and there stood Father Carter, the same man that I had just confessed to an hour ago.

He smiled at us both.

Then looked me in the eyes, "Santana. It's been a long time since we've been face to face. After this morning's confession and the sound in your voice, I wanted to come check on you." he said as he held his hands out for me to take.

I slid my hands into his and tried to smile.

"You d-didn't have to do that, F-Father."

"As your spiritual leader, it's actually an oversight of mine that I haven't checked on you sooner, might I come in?"

Britt waved him in and directed him to the couch.

Thankfully, the place was littered with toys and junk. Britt turned to me, "Baby, manners." She whispered in my ears and it kicked me in gear.

"Can I get you an-anything?" I asked him and he just patted the couch.

"No, I'd actually like to talk to you both, I assume this is Brittany?"

B looked at me and I shrugged.

"He and I go way back." I said, which was code for that summer I had been here. "Y-Yes, this is Brittany."

"It's very nice to meet you, Brittany." He said to her, "When I first met Santana, two summers ago, she told me about you. She mentions her wife in confession from time to time."

She stood there next to me, shell shocked. "You're okay with this?" B gestured between us.

"We are all God's children, Brittany. I lead an affirming congregation. You are welcome anytime."

"Thank you so much, father." Britt said with a smile on her face as she leaned into my side more comfortably.

Finally we sat down, me leaning a bit against Britt as we looked at the Priest staring back at us with the warmest smile.

"Tell me what's going on, with you. I could hear the heaviness your voice."

"I relapsed."

He nodded, looked disappointed in me but still kind.

"When I hadn't seen you at meetings, I was hoping that it was just you taking some time after your recent losses."

"It's b-been hard. I went off the deep end. Sl-Slept with Quinn."

Britt wrapped her arm around my shoulder and then kissed my forehead.

"She was honest about it and admitted it to the judge. Then she actually chose to go to rehab, she leaves today." B said and I nodded along.

"For how long?"

"120 d-days." I said.

"If you need me at all, feel free to summon me. Priests tend to get free passes when it comes to visitation restrictions."

"Th-Thank you."

"It's my pleasure. Please know, Brittany, that I am also available to support you and your family during this difficult time. The church daycare is available to members free of charge, it's run by retired teachers."

"Oh, um...I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Father."

"I won't keep you two long, I just wanted to ensure that Santana and by extension, you Brittany, were doing okay and that you knew that you have my full support." He stood up and then held out his hands. "May I pray for you?"

We bowed our heads and listened as Father Carter blessed us and provided words of encouragement.

"Thank you." I said as he finished and he gave me a hug, I cried against his shoulder and he just rubbed my back.

In moments like this, when a man that I trust hugs me, it makes me long for Papi and the potential our relationship was starting to have. I wiped at my eyes as I stepped back. He hugged Britt and she said something in his ear that made him chuckle.

It was good to see him smile as he was leaving.

And I was suddenly wondering what I was so worried about?

When had I become such a pessimist?

I felt warmth and peace, radiate through me as I held B's hand. Father Carter walked with a skip in his step back towards the church and I allowed myself to relax.

Rehab was the right decision and it was good to know that I was getting support from all sides.

This was the first time in a very long time that I felt like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

And it felt really, really good!

"So how do you know him? The priest?" Britt asked as we finally sat down to eat.

"Do you re-really want to hear about that time in my life?" I asked, not wanting to burden her any further.

"I want to know everything about you. Always."

"Someday, I will tell you ab-about that whole su-summer if you want. Okay?"

"Okay...but this...tell me this?" she asked. "It just sounds like an interesting story."

"Remember way back at ch-cheer camp when I sung that co-country song to you and you were sh-shocked that I liked country music?" I put down my food and looked her in the eyes.

"Yeah...I loved that song."

"I n-never liked co-country before that summer."

"Yea?" she raised her eyebrows and blushed a bit. She knew that something was coming and was trying to prepare herself for it.

"There was this guy." I waited a beat but she just nodded.

"Eat when you can baby...we aren't in a rush."

"Right." I took a bite of my sandwich and drank some of my coffee before taking a deep breath. "His name is Tucker. He was my f-favorite guy to es-escort. Always singing and pl-playing country music."

Britt smiled a bit.

"If you like the guy, that means he was nice to you, right?"

"Yes. Especially, T-Tucker. He had moved to here to ch-chase his dream of being a model. He was in the pro-process of coming out to himself."

"So he was gay but getting a girl escort?"

"Yeah. He paid me a grand an hour to t-teach him how to be st-straight."

"Oh that doesn't sound so bad."

I took a few more bites of my sandwich and a long sip of my coffee. Then I cleared my throat and tried to smile.

Talking to her about this was so fucking hard.

"Well we f-fucked a lot...at f-first. Wh-When we did, he was sw-sweet and g-gentle. Like Ian."

Britt nodded, like a light bulb went off.

"Is that why you were attracted to him, you think?"

"Looking back, yes."

"So what happened?"

"Our relations-ship changed when he saw how ho-hooked on blow I was becoming, we st-stopped having sex, he was just pay-paying for my time."

"To keep you sober when he could, that's really nice."

"Yeah. He'd br-bring me to that ch-church instead. Ev-Every Wednesd-day and Sa-Saturday night."

"That's how you met Father Carter?"

"Yes. I t-told him everyth-thing in confession."

"Everything? Didn't that make you paranoid?"

"Yeah. I tracked him down in per-person. Didn't want him to tell the cops."

"I wish you had."

"Me too."

"What happened to Tucker?"

"M-Marco found out and st-stopped it, Tucker is who k-kept me from taking my own life after that g-girl died."

"Oh baby."

"M-Marco beat him down right outside the ch-church. Fr-From that night on, all the guys that I es-escorted had to be approved by Marco. T-Tucker ended up going back to K-Kentucky and I n-never saw him again."

"Wow." Britt wiped at the tears in her eyes and then leaned forward and wiped mine. "Thank you for telling me." she whispered. Then she leaned across the table and kissed my lips. "I'm so proud of the woman that you are becoming. When this is all over will you marry me like super big?"

I looked up at her in shock.

Sure we were already married but this was different.

"Ask me when I'm clean." I said and then began to eat the rest of my food.

She seemed satisfied with that answer.

"Deal."

Brittany had just given me even more incentive to get better.

She was proving to me that we were endgame.

Brittany's POV

It was like once she had unleashed that single story about Tucker, a heaviness left her. Telling me that story and waiting to see my response was definitely a test, she wanted to see if I truly could handle her baggage.

Maybe I couldn't a year ago...or even six months ago but right then, I was ready.

"Can I p-play you a song?" She asked me after we finished cleaning up from breakfast.

"Sure, baby."

She grinned and then went into the guest room, I was tempted to follow her because well, once an addict, forever an addict but I needed to show her some level of trust. So I sat at the dining room table confirming a time for everyone to come over with her mom.

We still had some time left before they'd head out, which was great because I was hoping to take a nap with her one more time.

She came out of the guest room with her keyboard under her arm and a smile on her face.

"You d-didn't follow."

"Did I need to?" I asked, trying to be light and airy, like high school Brittany.

"No. I just expected you to ch-check on me."

"I am trying to trust you...just like you did with me after you woke up. I could see it, how you wanted to trust me and well, after the last few nights, there isn't much you can do to surprise me."

She nodded, a serious look on her face as she set up her keyboard on the table top. Then she sat down across from me and smiled.

"Th-This is a song by Lee Brice, it's m-my favorite. Reminds me of us."

"Does it?"

"Yes."

She played me Hard to Love and I smiled the whole time, it felt like the first time. Like with Songbird, when she was just nervous at first but the more she sang, the more confident she got.

Not one single stutter came out as she sang, her fingers moving as she sang to me. The tears in her eyes made me tear up.

This was her opening up a door in her tough shell for me and I was so grateful.

"I love you, so much." I said walking around the table and pulling her to her feet before crashing my lips against hers. I held her like that, our lips doing all the talking and knew that it would take a lot for me to take her up on her offer to stray.

I just wanted us to stay like that forever.

We left the keyboard there and I carried her up to our bedroom, her body wrapped around mind and her head on my shoulder.

"I still want you to ex-explore." She said and it stung.

"What if I don't want to?"

"Then don't but if...th-there is so-someone that eases your pa-pain or it-itch...it's okay."

"Baby...I don't want to think about it."

"J-Just don't fall in love with them."

"Baby, please?" I squeaked and she kissed my face.

"Fine."

We crawled into bed and made out for a little while before we fell asleep holding each other.

I wasn't going to do anything crazy like sleep against the door or lock the bathroom, I just had to let it be.

She needed to know that I was already trying to trust her.

But my body, still woke me a little each time she shifted, wanting to know if she left.

When I heard the footsteps coming upstairs, I knew that time was up.

"Baby?" I said as I buried my face against her neck while she snored.

"Hmm?"

"Time to get up."

"Five mo' minutes." She mumbled.

But then there was knocking on the door.

"Come in!" I called.

My mood though, took a slight turn when Quinn stepped into the room.

"I came to talk to you." She said, sticking out her chin defiantly, while staring at me. Ana just put the pillow over her head and faked a loud ass snore.

"Talk."

"It's too late for me to get housing on campus. Social Services says I can't stay with Puck and Beth until I get clearances. I applied for housing and will get a dorm room in August. I'm going back to Lima for the summer, there's still two months left of school. Can I stay until then? I'll still watch the kids and help however I can."

I glanced over at Ana who was silent and very still, which meant that she was listening.

Did I want to kick Quinn in the teeth...a little bit.

But I knew her almost as well as I knew Ana, I could see the desperation on her face and the sorrow in her eyes as her gaze locked on me. She was afraid to even look at my wife.

"That's fine, Q."

"Thank you. I won't bother you guys for lunch, I have tests all week, so I'll be in my room unless you need me." She went to turn but I couldn't live with her if we were like this.

"Stop." I said and she froze in place. "I wasn't finished talking." I didn't mean for the words to come out snarky but sometimes I can't help my tone.

This time, instead of pretending to not listen, Ana sat up and looked at me with a raised brow and her arms cross over herself like she was waiting for the bomb to drop.

Q finally looked at Ana and her eyes got wide. "Your hair." She said. I cleared my throat and she looked at me. "Yes, B?"

"I don't hate you. Okay? I know what you did, staying up with Izzy most of the night even while Celia was breaking your heart. You are the best godmother in the world and I'm so fucking grateful that you made sure that the kids were safe, distracted, and taken care of while the world was falling down. You don't get enough credit, we already missed your birthday because of our grief over Court...but we haven't forgotten you."

Q was in tears as she nodded.

"Don't worry about the birthday, I was in class for most of it."

"Wh-When I'm back we will do something big...for the b-both of us."

"A double birthday?" She was grinning. "I've always wanted a summer pool party birthday."

"Then that's what we'll do!" I said and she nodded.

"You two are the best. I will never cross that line again. Nothing is worth losing you two."

"Come here." I said holding my arms open and then I nudged Ana, she looked unsure but she opened her arms too.

"Unholy trinity, starting together, ending together." I said as we all hugged.

The heaviness hanging over all of us was lifted then.

Thank sweet baby Jesus.

Santana's POV

With everything that happened in the last few months, with the arguing and the cheating, the deaths and heartbreak it was amazing that hours before I was scheduled to go to rehab, my family was actually sitting around the table, laughing and joking.

Everyone was loving my hair, including Isaac who kept staring at me with love in his eyes.

My heart felt so full as I sat with the baby in my arms and Isaac between me and B.

It felt right then, after blessings from my priest, sharing a huge part of me with B, and her accepting Q back into our lives that anything was possible.

Right then, I just wanted to freeze time and enjoy everyone as they were.

It was my deepest prayer that this was what I would come back to in four months.

The happiness, while amazing did feel tentative and fragile. Like anything could shatter it and I wasn't the only one that felt it. Britt kept shooting me nervous glances for most of dinner and dessert. I could tell that she was hoping that the atmosphere stayed pleasant but I knew better. I had been a Lopez longer, after all.

It was never a matter of 'if' with my family, it was always a matter of 'when' and 'who'.

"We should talk about why we are really here, don't you think? I can't be expected to just sit at this table and not acknowledge just how fucked up this all is."

Ding. Ding. Ding. We have a winner!

Celia, who by all means has every right to hate me, was choosing to be the one to bring up the big rainbow elephant in the room.

"Is that really necessary, haven't we talked enough?" Sandra said, placing a hand on Celia's arm.

I finished off my last spoonful of rice and then looked over at Mami who was texting.

"Mami?"

"Yes, mi'ja?"

"Can you t-take them upstairs to Mari?" Mami seemed more than happy to grab the kids and go hang out with Damariz and baby Norah out of the crossfire.

The room held its breath until the kids were gone and it was just the adults at the table. I'm not sure what Celia was trying to prove with her whole attitude but there was no way I was going to allow Quinn to hide upstairs while we all ate together.

Everyone seemed okay with it, except Ceily, who kept shooting death glares at Q.

"I can't believe you are really making a scene right now Celia Marie!" Sandra was dropping government names and I shared a look with B and Q. If we could, we'd walk away then but I wasn't avoid things when I had a limited time to set things right.

"I tried to set things aside but here she is...back living with them, so they can take advantage of her...AGAIN!" Celia snapped, in her earnestness to defend Q.

"They aren't using me. I told you, I don't pay for rent or bills...or even food, the least I can do is step in and help with MY godchildren." Q said, as calmly as she could without looking at Ceily.

"Wouldn't be me."

"Thankfully, no one as-asked you!" I snapped at her and she looked insulted just like her frog faced mother. I took a deep breath and tried to smiled. I still had time to change the tension in the room and with my new found strength and conviction...I felt like I could handle it.

"Yes...Q and I had sex. I am not pr-proud of what I did."

"Understatement of the year." B snickered and I glared. She fixed her face quickly.

"I am gr-grateful that d-despite that, you are still here. I hope you understand how much your b-being here means to me. I kn-know that I can be a pain to deal with."

"Something we agree on." Celia said and I shrugged.

I'm a bitch...not breaking news.

"I'm gonna sp-spend the next 90 days away fr-from everyone I l-love. I'm gonna m-miss my son's first b-birthday, all so that I can wo-work through all my junk. I hope that when it's over, I can c-come back to you g-guys, clean and sober. I'm so so-sorry for all the pain that I have caused you. I love you so much...and I'm going to prove it."

I hadn't realized that I had been staring only at Brittany until I looked around and saw tears in everyone's eyes. I looked over at Celia and nodded towards the kitchen.

"Can I talk to you alone for a s-second?" She stared at me with an uncertain smile, she looked over at Quinn who had her head buried in her hands. Then she looked back at me.

"I know it was a mistake...you don't have to take me to the side, might as well just say what you need to say."

"Just know that...we got ca-caught up in the moment. She is my b-best friend and the lines g-got a little too blurred...We both re-realized that what we have is st-strictly a friendship...I'm sorry about it. I was sick about it and I br-broke. I don't want the rift between you two...to cause her to not be around. Isaac is in-incredibly attached to her. My kids need all of you to stick ar-around right now...so I hope you can put this aside for them...please?"

I looked over at my friend and could see that she was emerging from her hands to rest her hazel eyes on me. She nodded and then looked over at Celia with watery eyes.

"I'm so sorry...baby...please." she whispered. Celia looked at her with an angry expression and then nodded to the kitchen.

"Come talk to me about it." I was shocked to see my sister willing to talk this through.

"Okay." Quinn nearly knocked over her chair as she jumped to her feet and followed my sister into the kitchen.

I finally sat down and just looked around at everyone.

"Anyone h-have anything else to say?" I asked as I rested my elbows on the table.

"Is there more pie?" I cracked a smile when I looked over at B and saw her puffed up cheeks as she held up an empty plate.

Leave it to Britt to know how to break the tension.

Thank goodness!

The time flew by and before I knew it I was kissing my kids and saying goodbye to my family, I was wreck inside but I tried to project calm.

Britt was allowed to stay with me all the way to check-in before I was forced to say goodbye to her. I had ended up at a treatment center in Long Island that was surrounded by a lot of trees and was very Catholic.

Father Carter would definitely be hearing from me, he was one of the only Priests that I trusted. I had been nervous about them seeing me and my wife but I got lucky that they were okay with the gays.

Britt kissed me and then hugged me tight for as long as she could before walking away with Mami. I turned back and she was grinning while giving me two thumbs up.

"You got this!" She mouthed, drawing a heart with her fingers.

I winked at her and then followed behind the intake coordinator, knowing that from that moment on, everything was gonna be up to me.

Every failure and accomplishment in the next few months would be based on my own merit.

My own sweat and tears.

When I was assigned a room on the first floor by the counseling center, I felt excited, I had a tendency to avoid therapists but it was going to be hard to and I needed that.

I didn't want the easy way through this. I wanted to finally feel worthy of all my blessings.

Of my wife.

My children.

And my family.

I was finally taking control of my life for the better.

I would no longer be so hard to love.

I had been through hell and God only knows what his plan was...and even though I wasn't quite sure why things had happened this way...my hope was that someday I would understand.