A/N: A complete return to Santana's POV for the last chapter of this part of the saga. First Chapter of the next, soon to come.
Chapter 50: Still Have Me (Demi Lovato)
Santana's POV
FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER
DAY 1
After Britt left me at the rehab intake desk, with that sweet look in her eyes, I felt hopeful. I looked checked in with the receptionist and she smiled at me and then nodded towards the open office to my right.
"They're already waiting for you."
"Okay. Thanks." I said and then walked towards the open door.
When I peaked into the room, I saw a police officer and an Adonis of a guy, standing against the back wall reading through a file.
"Hi." I said, and they both looked up at me a bit surprised. Maybe it was my age or my sober appearance, either way, I was ready to get this going.
The guy walked over after tucking the folder under his arm and put his hand out for me to shake.
"Santana Lopez?"
"Yes."
He looked at his watch and smiled.
"I'm Craig, your intake coordinator. I'm glad to see that you're right on time. This is Officer Coleman, she is going to recalibrate your ankle monitor and then I will take you through the intake process."
"Okay."
I was full of nerves as I lifted my foot onto the chair that sat next to the cop and pulled up my pant leg. She examined the ankle monitor and then inserted a key.
When it popped off, I let out a sigh of relief, that thing had been way heavier than it seemed at first glance. She smirked and then handed me a tube of lotion and I glanced down.
Sure enough, my ankle was super ashy.
"Wow." I muttered.
"Mrs. Lopez, after I reset this monitor, you will be confined to the walls of this center for your first 90 days. Afterwards, I will reset it for your remaining 30 days, so that you will be allowed onto the grounds. If you violate the judge's orders, you will be remanded to custody. Is that clear?"
"Yes."
"Great." She scanned the anklet and my information came up on the computer screen. "Read through this information and confirm that it's correct."
She stepped away from the screen and gestured for me to walk closer.
Walking without the anklet felt insanely weird. I glanced to the door and saw that the guy was standing in front of it in case I tried to make a run for it.
But I wasn't stupid. We were way out on Long Island, I had no money on me and no desire to walk this decision back.
I smiled at him and then looked at the screen.
There was a picture of me from God knows when and information that seemed a little off.
"Uh...wh-what is this?"
"That is your record in New York State, you were arrested in a prostitution round up in 2011. Your Ohio record has been sealed per your attorney's disclosure, we used what is on file."
"Right."
"We will go line by line and make corrections."
"Okay."
"Santana Gladys Lopez, D.O.B. 6/17/94, Marital Status: Single."
"No."
"What am I correcting?"
"June 21 and I'm m-married."
She nodded and then input the corrections.
We continued on, changing my primary contact from Marco Vega to Brittany Lopez and my address from the TriBeCa penthouse to my house on the Upper West Side.
Then, thankfully, she had me stand back against the wall and take a new picture, one where I wasn't high off my ass and looking like a used up whore.
With the ankle monitor back on, she shook an empty cup at me and pointed to a door.
I followed her inside the room, there was a toilet, a sink and a shower. Pretty basic with very little privacy. Thankfully Craig hung back.
"Normally, patients at a standard center don't need to go through this whole search but that isn't the case here, I will need to follow prison protocol."
I knew exactly what that meant.
"Okay."
She patted me down and then handed me the cup.
"Fill that up to the line."
"Wh-What happens if that comes back d-dirty?" I asked after quickly peeing and then putting the cup on the shelf next to the toilet.
"This is criminal intake, so we are used to the first one coming back with drugs. If that's the case, it will be marked in your file but you will not be remanded to custody. However if you have another positive test, you'll go before the judge."
"Okay."
"Are you admitting that you have used since your meeting with the judge?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Wash your hands and then strip down so I can perform a cavity search."
I froze...our eyes met and she just nodded at me as she snapped on gloves.
So much for my hopeful good mood.
After she confirmed that I hadn't shoved drugs inside of myself for a later time, she had me wash my hair to reveal any hidden stash and then finally, I was given what looked like hospital scrubs.
"I d-don't get my own clothes?" This was not how rehab in Lima had been.
"No. This isn't a Hollywood rehab center, Mrs. Lopez. This center is for people just like you, who chose recovery over prison. As far as the state is concerned, you are still a prisoner. Everyone is, at least until 90 days after they've arrived. At that point, you are able to wear a different color and are given more freedom. This is not a vacation."
"Okay."
"Any more questions?"
"Will I have to do th-this each time?"
"No. You will only be searched after you have visitors but otherwise, there will be random drug tests on a weekly basis. Your monitor or I, will be the ones conducting them, so that you feel a level of comfort."
"Okay."
I was near tears and it seemed to register with her when I used tissue to slow down the leaking in my bra.
"Your file says that you plan to provide breast milk?"
"Yes?"
"I will make sure that when we test it, a guy won't be close by. I am your person in here, I want to see you get clean and go home to your baby healthy. If you are transparent with me, I will make sure that you get out of here, better."
"Thank you."
She nodded and then sent me out to Craig.
He looked up at me with a smile and then opened the door.
"Let's get started."
We were finishing up the tour of the center when Officer Coleman caught up with us. She gave me a glance and then handed a sheet to Craig before walking off.
"Let's see what we have here...your tests came back."
"Yeah." I sighed as I walked with him, my arms wrapped around my chest as I tried to not stare at the floor like an ashamed child.
"High traces of cocaine, small trace of heroin and high traces of benzodiazepines."
"Xanax." I informed him. "I...before I left home, I n-needed to not have a pa-panic attack."
He nodded.
"So it's a prescription?"
"Was, after my hospital st-stay but I'm su-supposed to be st-stopping."
He made a note on the paper and then slipped it in my file that he was still holding tight in his hands.
"Okay. So your body will probably be coming down soon, then."
I shrugged because my withdrawal symptoms were all over the place because I was so good at maintaining any version of a high. After the argument at lunch, I started to feel shaky so I searched the guest room until I found one single pill in my still unpacked hospital bag, inside a pair of maternity jeans. Britt hadn't noticed and I wasn't going to even begin to open that can of worms with her.
"M-Maybe."
"We had you set up for a therapy session right after your tour but that was for you being sober or at least cleaner than this indicates."
"Oh. So now what?"
"So now, you need to go to the withdrawal unit per protocol. It's our triage area. You will stay there until you completely come down, rehab can be harder to work through when you're coming down. So we put you in a space where you can come down with medical professionals on standby, it's safer this way."
"Oh."
He gave me a disappointed look and then turned us down a long poorly lit hallway with a flickering light that made me feel like I was in a haunted house. The closer we got to a set of double doors, the more the place went from looking like a country club to a hospital ward.
It set me on edge.
Craig hit a buzzer on the wall and then waited for it to beep.
"Name?"
"Craig Hileman, here with Santana G. Lopez, 783215."
There was some typing and then the voice was back.
"I see the her report, she's been through criminal intake?"
"Yes."
Craig glanced at me.
"Okay, Dr. Bryson will meet you at room 18."
"Thank you."
A red light blinked and then the doors buzzed open. Craig walked ahead and I followed, feeling more nervous when I saw a white room with about 30 doors. I followed Craig straight back towards room 18. There stood a doctor in a white coat.
She didn't bother with pleasantries, instead she pushed open the door.
"Wait inside, please." She barked at me.
I stepped into the room and then the door slammed behind me.
The room had padded walls and was bare with the exception of a hospital bed in the center that was bolted to the floor and a toilet in the corner. No shower, no mirror...no beams or anything to hang myself from.
Just what amounted to a padded prison cell.
I sat on the edge of the bed and stared down at my shaking hands. I squeezed them into fists and then I noticed that my shirt was wet...milk.
Great.
The door opened and in came the doctor with a little caddy.
"Drug usage, intravenous or powder?" She asked as she read my file.
"Powder." I said.
She wrapped a rubber tourniquet around my upper arm and then jabbed it with a needle. I hissed but didn't make another sound while she took my blood, filling two vials before she was done.
Once she finished, she wrapped a plastic watch looking thing around my wrist.
It had my name on it and a blinking light.
"Not only is this our tracker, it's a pulsometer. Normally that is just something that helps us make sure no one is overdosing but with your history of heart surgery, it will be even more important."
"Ok."
"How are you feeling?"
"Fine."
She raised her eyebrow.
"You need to drop those defenses in here, it doesn't serve any purpose but to slow your recovery. Keep in mind that the judge gets updates on your progress."
"Tired and sh-shaky." I admitted.
"Are you hungry?"
I shook my head and then wrapped my arms around my soaked shirt.
"Are you planning to stop breastfeeding?"
"No. On-once I'm clean, I can do it."
She marked that down in my file and then took gauze out of her caddy. She gave me a small stack of gauze pads.
"Use those to stem the flow." She pointed up to the ceiling, there was a camera. "You will be monitored for the next 96 hours. I will be managing your case, checking your vitals and if need be, strapping you to that bed so you don't scratch your eyes out."
I smirked but I could tell that she was speaking from experience.
"Okay."
"I'll also be taking those shoes until it's time for you to join the general population."
I looked down at my sneakers and then unlaced them and took them off.
She put them in a bag and then she left me, in a locked room with nothing to do but sit and think.
And cry.
And come down.
Mostly all I did though was cry until I vomited every meal I ate and then I'd cry again until I passed out.
After two days of never making it back to bed, even once, I woke up on the third day feeling better.
When the doctor came in, I was sitting on the bed, tapping my fingers against my thighs as I wrote music notes in my head.
She shined a light into my eyes and then checked my throat, my ears...my blood pressure and finally took more blood.
My arms were bruised from the blood draws in the last two days but I just gritted my teeth through it.
"You're showing signs of dehydration. Have you been able to keep anything down?"
I shook my head. "No."
"You have some coloring today, at least, are you ready to shower?"
"Yes." I felt like shit and I knew I smelled like sour milk, it was disgusting. I felt like I was covered in a film of grime.
"Good, I'm going to need you to pee in a cup today. I have been asked to check the levels in your breastmilk as well."
"Okay."
"So pee in the cup, shower and then we will get you set up with the pump."
"Thank you."
FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER
DAY 5
Instead of spending four days in triage, I ended up spending five days because I passed out in the shower on day 3 and couldn't stand. My body was malnourished they said and I had to admit that I had been flushing most of the food they'd been giving me, choosing to only eat a few bites.
They gave me an IV and because they feared I'd try to rip it out, I was strapped to my bed while they pumped electrolytes into my body.
I cried the whole time but the morning of day 5, I woke up feeling human again.
And I had been cleared to provide milk for the baby.
So I was monitored while I pumped an endless amount of milk. Of course they tested it right then and when they confirmed it was clean, they sent it off and I was allowed to shower again.
When I made it through that and my urine came back clear, they let me put on my shoes and I was made to sit outside of my room and wait for Craig.
It took him an hour to show up.
And when he did, there was a smile on his face and I smiled back feeling relieved.
He carried my breast pump bag on his shoulder and then took my file and walked me out of that fake ass psych ward.
I had never felt so happy about leaving a place.
He stopped us halfway down the hall and then looked at me.
"You start rehab fresh today." I felt my panic surge, did that mean I was going up to do 125 days?
"Like at 1?" I asked.
"No at 5, the judge did send down an order though."
I swallowed the bile that was rising.
"Okay. What?"
"Your attorney submitted a request for you to get a video visitation in a few days for your son's birthday. You'll get a whole hour of video time, monitored of course."
"Really?" I felt the tears and I didn't even fight them.
"Yes and instead of 90 days for first visitation, she's pushed it to 95."
"To m-make up for that?" I pointed back to the doors.
"Yes."
"Okay. Th-That's fair."
"Glad you think so. So today, I'm taking you straight to a group meeting which is usually lead by me, but today it's actually your therapist, so she'll take you straight to her office to have a one-on-one with you afterwards. After that, is lunch...your assigned monitor or buddy will come get you for that."
"Who?"
"Here we have a buddy system, helps with accountability. In the past it's been patients but in the last two years, we have hired a team of people whose job it is to be your wrap around or monitor. They will be your roommate, your eating partner and eventually your sponsor for your first year after leaving."
"Wow."
"We want you to be successful and this kind of program has a 95% success rate using this method, I wish it was 100% but just being over 90% is a win."
I hoped to God that I would fall in that 95%.
There was nothing that mattered more than being there for my wife and kids.
Once I was out of that padded hell, I completely submerged myself in the rehab experience. I participated in group and in my one-on-one therapy, in anticipation of the video chat that I would get that Sunday.
It was all that I could think about and I didn't want anything to jeopardize that.
And when the day came, CiCi walked into our room with a tablet and the best news.
"Since your first few days went well, you can take lunch in here with me and talk for as long as you want until group."
I looked at the clock, group was in four hours!
"I c-could hug you." I said.
"I'm sure but it's not appropriate."
I rolled my eyes.
"I know."
"Brittany has already called to let us know they are doing the Sunday lunch and then cake in an hour and a half. Dr. Clover, thinks you should go talk to her before the call and after."
"So now?"
"Now."
I left her behind and made my way down the hallway, I was a woman on a mission.
After taking a deep breath, I knocked on the wooden door and there she sat, looking just as gorgeous as always. Britt would SO be jealous if she saw Dr. Clover. She was a bad bitch with a degree, just like Q would be some day.
"Santana!" She grinned as she crossed her legs and leaned forward.
"Hi."
"That was fast, I just told CiCi to go get you like 10 seconds ago."
"Th-This is the best part of my day." I admitted.
"That's great to hear. Have a seat."
I sat on her giant, fluffy red couch with my journal clutched in my hands.
"So, since yesterday's session you have been given access to the music room. Have you had a chance to play?"
I nodded and then opened my journal to last night. I had an hour of free time after dinner before chapel and I used every second.
"Last night before ch-chapel."
"Did you play the whole hour?"
"I did. C-Can I share this with you?"
"You can share anything with me, you know that."
I could feel the heat in my cheeks. I had a kid like crush on this woman, it was completely innocent, something silly to indulge in just for me.
"I wr-wrote the beginning of a s-song."
"How is your voice...do you want to sing it? I know your stutter is less active when you sing."
"It doesn't work wi-without playing."
"Well then let's go on a field trip." She stood up and stretched, then waved towards the door. "Lead the way."
I brushed my sweaty hands through my hair and then placed my journal on the stand before cracking my fingers.
Dr. Clover sat behind me somewhere and I felt grateful for it, she would have distracted me with her smile since it reminded me of Brittany's so much.
I adjusted my glasses, which had become a necessity since there was a no contacts rule for some reason.
Then I looked at my rushed music notes and smirked. Most people would see chicken scratch but I saw a masterpiece.
As I began to play I closed my eyes and felt the notes. Then I sang softly.
"You say, follow my heart but my heart ain't so reliable these days. I say, follow your dreams but being your dream is how we got this way.
You are my heart and I am your dream, but things lately are not what they seem.
I miss you when you're near me, I miss you when you're far and babylove, I miss that look in your eyes that told me I was a star.
I've let you down, you nearly bled dry, but baby, my sweet baby you said our love would never die." I played more notes, wordlessly, as I thought of those blue eyes and that way they could unravel me. "I get twisted in knots as I wave in the wind, you unravel me and bring me back in. Inside, In love, In truth...even down here, I just want to be with you."
I was crying by the time my fingers came to a stop. Then I took a deep breath, wiped my tears and shut the lid before grabbing my journal and turning towards Dr. Clover.
She looked emotional and then clapped for me.
"That was beautiful, Santana and a fitting homework assignment in regards to our last session about the unhealthy ways you and Brittany have arrived at this point. As you work through this song, I want you to really examine the good as well as the bad. Okay?"
"Yes. Thank you." I fiddled with my journal and then took a deep breath, I had been asked to be transparent at all times. Including now. "C-Can we stay in here?" I asked. "I feel at home here."
She grinned. "Absolutely, I'm going to record this session since I don't have my notepad in here. Okay?"
"Okay." She set a timer on her phone and then hit record.
"Let's discuss managing expectations, shall we?"
"Okay."
"Today, you'll get to see your son for his birthday. You have been away for a little over a week, right?"
"Nine days."
"Right, I know that you have spent longer than that in a coma but with him being a little older, there might be a chance that he doesn't respond to you like you expect."
"You think so?" I hadn't been worried about that.
"There's always a chance, he could also throw himself at the phone and scream for you. Either scenario is possible, you just need to remember this is about managing your expectations."
"Right."
"Which means, you cannot set expectations for anyone but yourself. You can hope for the best but prepare yourself for the worst. This will be the last time you see your family and your kids until day 95. Make it count."
"Party pooper." I muttered as I scribbled her words into my journal.
"That's my job, to rain on parades...poop on parties. I live for that stuff." I looked up at her in shock and she was grinning at me.
"Funny."
The alarm went off on her phone and then she sighed. "Times up."
"It's only been like half an hour." I said, my stutter taking a break for once.
"Yes, I believe CiCi informed you that I expect you back in my office after your call."
"Right."
"We will have the rest of your session then, before group."
"So much talk...talking."
"It's helping you in many ways. Now, go get yourself lunch and head to your room for your call. Come see me right after, if you aren't in a state to come to me, tell CiCi and I will come to you."
"Okay."
When we talked managing expectations, I had really only applied it to Isaac not recognizing me or some shit like that but then that felt like I was putting an expectation on him. So I decided to just be myself and worry about whatever the after effect was, later.
I had set up my food on my desk and while CiCi connected the call, brushed my hair and put on fresh lip gloss.
The sound of music and laughter came through loud and clear.
CiCi set the tablet up in front of me and then went over to her bed to work on whatever it was she did when she wasn't babysitting me.
"Hey guys!" I said loudly and waved at my family. They waved back and then went back to talking...not surprising, I had only been gone nine days. Then the screen turned around and there she was.
Britt smiled at me softly, her eyes bloodshot and her nose pink.
"Hi baby." She said softly and then she began to walk away from the table and the noise. "Izzy isn't feeling so good and neither am I, I don't think we are going to do cake but I figured you'd at least want to see him."
"How sick is he?" I asked her.
"Sick enough for me to take him to the hospital but they just told me, he has a cold like me and to do the generic stuff you do with a cold."
"Is he wh-wheezing?" I was feeling super anxious and sat on my hands as I leaned forward. I could feel CiCi's eyes on me but I didn't have time for her right then.
"A little." She pushed open the office door, and panned the camera around so I could see the new set up of my old office. There in between the windows was my little boy in his crib laying on his side.
B put me just in his line of sight.
"Hey Papa." I said to him and his eyes lit up. I could hear his wheeze and choked back my tears. "Happy B-Birthday."
"Mami." He said to me with a smile, then his hand came towards me and when he couldn't touch my actual face, his eyes teared up.
"I l-love you."
"Wuv you." He said and kissed his hand at me.
I blew a kiss back at him.
"Do you want to see Dani?" B asked.
"Soon. Let him see me f-for a bit. J-Just update me on st-stuff. Your sh-show?"
"Oh, okay. We are almost done casting, we start casting our main guy soon and then the understudies. It's going to be a busy time but Ari and Quinn are going to help me with the kids when they can."
Quinn. I hadn't thought of her in any of this.
"Q and Ceily are back together, she got over Q staying here again. Ari is also staying in the nursery with Dani."
"Really?"
"Well yeah, I have long nights and so she's been putting her to bed, she says being close to her helps her feel close to you."
"Th-That's sweet."
"It is."
"Mami." Isaac called to me. I had just been watching him while talking to B and he looked a little pale. "Mami, come." He said to me, opening and closing his hand.
"I'm so-sorry, Papa. I can't."
"No?" He asked.
"No."
Then I watched his face get red and he rolled onto his back, then I braced myself for it. His hacking, coughing cry followed. I wiped my eyes as I watched him throw a fit over something that I did. I couldn't be with him on this day, his day because I was back to the very thing that made him sick in the first place.
I watched hands lift him and then he was screaming again.
"No! No! Mama, No!" He kept screaming.
There was some murmuring and then I heard her voice, the low timbre of it and knew that I was being handed off.
Quinn's face was on the screen next and she was walking with me out of the room, away from the cries of my son.
"Hey, don't cry...he's okay, B is going to give him a treatment and if he isn't better after, I'm going to drag her back to the hospital myself."
"Thanks, Q."
After weeping some more over the way that my baby girl's face had changed while I had been away and how beautiful she was, Q took my back to my son.
But I heard B, plainly.
"No, Q. Seeing her works him up, he's finally calm."
The sound of her denying me Isaac did me in.
"But B, she won't get to see him for two more months."
"Fine." She huffed.
Q showed me Isaac and he smiled through his mask.
He tried to blow me another kiss but the mask was in the way. His brow got all furrowed but then, I began to sing before he could cry.
It always made him calm.
So, I sang Songbird to him, Britt looked away from me then as she rocked with him in the glider.
She was obviously upset.
What was going on?
It had been nine fucking days, how bad could she be having it?
My anger came through in the last line of the song, instead of going soft, I growled and Britt looked at me.
"Thanks." She looked down and then looked over at Q. "Take her downstairs, let her enjoy the family."
And I didn't fight.
Even though I wanted to.
While Q walked away, I made a hard decision...even though it'd only been a half hour. I ended the call.
I couldn't spend another second pretending to be home when I was so obviously not there.
And when the screen was black, I dropped my face to my hands and I wept.
CiCi tried talking to me but I wouldn't respond.
The door to the room closed and then opened again around the time that I was climbing into bed.
"Get up." Dr. Clover said to me.
"No." I responded.
"Santana, wallowing will do you no good, get up or I'm going to have to reassess your status."
"Whatever." I grumbled and then closed my eyes.
"Do you really want to go back to triage, Santana?"
My blood ran cold when I thought of the padded room where I felt alone and desperate.
I couldn't let what was happening out in the world do that.
So, I sat up and I glared at Dr. Clover.
"I'm up."
"Good. I'm excusing you from group, let's go back to the music room."
The shock must have shown on my face because she dropped her attitude.
"You were more open and relaxed in there, I think approaching your therapy through music will be beneficial to your recovery. So wash your face, get your journal, and let's go."
And I did.
She was teaching me...or rather helping me to remember what my original tether had been.
My mistress, my passion...my true first love...music.
FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER
DAY 29
I was feeling better these days, it'd been 20 days since I had my near breakdown after my call on Isaac's birthday. My days since, had been filled with music and group therapy every single day and other than CiCi and Dr. Clover, I didn't have much interaction with anyone else.
But now, apparently, that was changing.
Dr. Clover had called me into her office early on my 29th day and asked me to bring my journal after breakfast.
I sat in my assigned part of the cafeteria, separated from the people in different colored uniforms.
My group was small and we weren't allowed to talk to each other outside of group, so usually I sped through eating while going over my journal entries. Early on, my journal was supposed to be my only friend and I had been encouraged to name it.
I chose the name Henry.
Now though, my schedule was changing.
The oatmeal from breakfast sat like a rock in my stomach as I prepared to meet Dr. Clover in her office for the first time since before my breakdown. We'd been having all of our sessions in the music room.
I knocked on the door and her normally upbeat tone was more somber like when we first met.
Had I done something wrong?
"Come in Santana." She said as she pulled the door open.
I tried to smile and be light but then I saw my mother sitting on the couch.
Seeing her for the first time in a month, without any warning shocked me.
"Mami." I said.
"Hi, mi'ja. Come sit down."
I stood there, looking at my therapist and my mother, the rock in my stomach was now a boulder.
"Did someone die?" I asked and Mami gave a tight smile.
"No. There have been some changes to your case, I'm here to update you as your counsel."
More dread filled me but then Dr. Clover sat in her normal seat, smiled her normal smile and gestured for me to sit next to my mother.
"Remember to manage your expectations and to be transparent."
I nodded at her and then sat next to my mother. I opened my arms to her and she looked a little surprised but she definitely squeezed me tightly. I let out a sigh when I buried my face against her shoulder.
She smelled like home, my home.
The boulder shrunk a bit.
I needed to stop thinking the worst.
"Bendicion." I muttered.
"Que Dios te bendiga." She kissed my cheek as she pulled away and then brushed her lipstick away with her thumb.
"I will leave you two alone, since this is considered attorney/client privilege. I'll be right outside, so let me know when you're done." Dr. Clover said with a smile.
"Thank you, Jenn." Mami said.
Dr. Clover's smile was tight, she didn't seem very happy about needing to leave but I was grateful that I'd have this moment alone with Mami.
I sat back against the arm of the couch and I tried my best to manage my expectations at least on the surface level but life hadn't always been so kind to me.
But Mami didn't look sad or nervous, just serious...that was normal for her and really for me...so I needed to relax.
"What's up?" I asked.
"There was a roundup of Marco's old associates and a few nationwide DEA sweeps. Mr. Motta was arrested and his accounts were seized. Your name came up, it was something innocuous, him transferring money to an account that you have offshore."
"Offshore? I don't have any offshore accounts." I said, confused.
"Do you have all your memories back?"
"Not all, no."
"Right before your coma you opened a few accounts, including one offshore. It only contains that transfer from Mr. Motta. The money hasn't moved or grown since that transfer because of that they weren't able to implicate you at all."
"Oh okay."
"Given that you are here, there isn't really any interest in you or your case. Once you successfully finish your time here, you'll be exonerated."
"That's a re-relief. Is that it?"
"That was the more high level stuff. I had a long talk with Quinn after your call on Isaac's birthday." I wanted to interrupt but I just bit back my comments and waited. "She had some concerns about you being cut off from the kids and how easy it might be for them to get swept up in any disagreements between you and Brittany."
She looked at me for a long moment and I think she was waiting for my old tendency to cut her off but I just wanted her to get on with it. The longer she explained without shooting straight from the hip, the more my anxiety grew. "Okay, I agree."
"I'm glad you do, I went to the judge on your behalf and expressed my concerns about how the separation might adversely affect your recovery. So starting tomorrow, you will be allowed to have weekly, 30 minute calls with the kids and by extension, whoever has them at the time. They will be scheduled, so that you can manage your expectations, that was a recurring theme in the notes from your therapist."
"Okay."
"After 60 days, the calls can increase to an hour and I was able to get your visitation moved back to 90 days instead of 95. Of course all of this is dependant upon your progress. The judge was impressed with your weekly progress reports and your dedication to making sure that you are providing nutrition for Daniela. I wanted you to know that I am here for you, I'm advocating for you, and that I love you so much, Nanita."
I was in tears a I leaned in and hugged her again.
She rocked me a bit and kissed my face over and over again.
"How are they?" I asked.
"Good, Isaac is running all over the place and Daniela is all you, eye rolling and attitude to the max. I feel like I'm seeing you all over again."
"Do you have any pic-pictures?"
"I do, I had some printed out for you but I'm not allowed to give you anything without your therapist in the room."
"Right."
Mami called Dr. Clover back in and then presented me with two beautiful pictures of my babies. Isaac's hair was a nest of black curls and his face was a tan reflection of my own as he smiled with teeth. Daniela's little bush of curls was a golden brown, reminding me of a darker version of Ari's. They were so perfect and worth every bit of struggle that I needed to go through to be the best Mami that I could be.
I cried as I held onto the pictures and then tucked them into my journal.
"So, Gladys, your daughter has made excellent strides and we have discussed the history of addiction in your family."
Mami nodded and then pulled my hand into her lap.
"My husband."
"Do you know when his addiction started?"
"He wasn't always a huge drinker, it started after Santana was born. He always wanted a son and originally the doctors had said she was boy. Then they confirmed that she was a girl. He held out hope, had a name ready but she was a she and then I had to have a hysterectomy to save my life after she was born."
"You...did?" I asked.
"Yes, mi'ja. That's why you're my one and only." I didn't feel like it but I nodded as she squeezed my hand. "We had plans to adopt, funny enough, Marco but then his father backed out on the arrangement. Made us his godparents instead, that was definitely the start of the drinking and abuse."
"Abuse?" Dr. Clover said and I dropped my head. I had managed to keep the abuse from Marco and Papi to a minimum in my sessions and now, they'd be front and center.
Thanks Mami.
Mami looked at me and I nodded, then looked at Dr. Clover.
"There w-was a lot of abuse. Broken bones and a m-miscarriage because of it." I admitted and Dr. Clover began to scribble things down.
For the rest of the session, I checked out, reopening my journal to stare at my kids...letting the two adults in the room talk.
In those moments, when Mami talked about me like I wasn't there, it brought me being 19 back to the forefront.
And it should, I was just a kid still in a lot of eyes and I had no real experiences of actually getting to just be that.
I was a mom, a wife, an ex-wife and a drug addict.
Too much had happened.
And I could feel my dissent down into the dark place.
"C-Can we stop." I said, finally, not wanting to fall any deeper. "Tell me about what's next?"
My words had snapped Dr. Clover back to focusing solely on me.
"Right, so our program is broken down into 30 day chunks, phases. Phase 1 the first 30 days, getting you acclimated to our program, getting you detoxed and evaluated, also, isolating you so that we can have a clear picture of who you are, what your needs are, and how we can support you."
"Okay. Now what?"
"The next 30 days are all about establishing accountability. You will be assigned a daily chore and you will spend more time in chapel and group. You will also be assigned a group of residents you can associate with. They will all be on Day 30 and going through the program at the same rate as you."
"So more w-work?"
"Yes, always."
"And my music?"
"Music is integral to your recovery, so our sessions will continue to take place in that room and I'll be tailoring your homework assignments around songwriting."
"Wow. Really?"
"Yes and of course, you'll need to be consistent in your journaling and we will discuss in detail the elements of your music that are influenced by certain parts of your life. Your daily schedule will be more fixed than it has been. Which will help you on the outside, when it comes to planning ahead and managing your expectations and triggers."
"Okay."
"Now, you have the fortune of having your mother be your lawyer, so that presents a loophole in your visitation schedule. I will permit you to spend more time today before we look at your schedule for the next 30 days, sound good?"
"Yeah."
"I think you should play something for her, we will make that today's assignment, share with your mother something that you may have always wanted to say but haven't felt the space to."
I rolled my eyes.
"Big ask." I said.
"You'll have the hour and then, I will see you after group."
After the first thirty days of rehab, being insanely difficult for me because I was cut off from my kids, I couldn't imagine anything worse, especially now that I was going to be able to see them every week!
What's been hardest as the weather begins to turn is looking out the windows and seeing people walking around, knowing that I still was confined to being indoors for sixty more days.
I could deal with never being alone, I could deal with having to share my innermost thoughts with Dr. Clover, I could even deal with having CiCi around, watching my every move...what I missed was the freedom of being outside whenever I wanted to be.
After Mami left, I went to group and I listened to people drone on and on about their problems. Every day I had spoken even if it was something small and basic but that day, I was still in a trance.
I'd played Mami a song that I wrote when I was a kid, something simple...nobody loves me, everybody hates me, that's why I'm alone, because I'm weak, meak, and shy. nobody loves me, everybody hates me, that's why I'd rather die. I had written those words after Ari had been cut out of my life and I was home alone most of the time.
Mami just looked at me with a cold expression and told me that I was remembering the past wrong, that she had been home most nights but I never wanted to be around her. Nothing could be further from the truth.
It was with that on my brain that I declined when my name was called in group and when we said a prayer at the end, I refused to stand.
My mother's visit had set me back and it was then that I realized just why they restrict visitation for 90 days...I hadn't been ready for her.
"Mrs. Lopez." Craig called for me.
"Yes?" I muttered as I stopped just feet from the door. Everyone moved around me and left me alone with Craig for the first time since he had delivered me from that padded room.
"Is everything alright, you seem out of it? I understand you had a visitor, is your change in demeanor related to that?" He looked skeptical and I should have recognized why but I wasn't thinking.
"No. Can I go?"
He shook his head. "No, I believe a visit to Officer Coleman is in order."
"Fuck, why man?" I snapped at him.
"Mrs. Lopez...Santana, anytime a patient acts out of character, especially directly after a visit, it raises red flags. You understand?"
"Sure, let's go then." I muttered.
He kept side eyeing me as we walked towards intake, back to that room where Officer Coleman was. Since I had arrived, I'd always peed in front of CiCi and then she'd take it to Officer Coleman.
Now though it seemed like things needed to be escalated, yay!
Craig followed me into the little office and then, like the first day, blocked the door but I just stood there in front of the desk.
"He wants me to get t-tests." I said to her and she looked past me, to Craig.
"Everything okay?"
"Just want to make sure things are okay, she had a visitor and showed up to group, out of character."
"For one d-day I just didn't feel like talking. You're just being an asshole t-today." I snapped at him.
"See what mean." He said to Officer Coleman.
She looked annoyed but she grabbed a cup from her drawer and handed it to me.
"You know the deal." She said and I took the cup, without snatching and peed without preamble.
While I washed my hands, Officer Coleman had me sit down next to her desk. "I'm going to test it now, before you leave."
"Just in case you need to ar-arrest me?" I said with a sigh.
"Exactly. So try to relax while I get this going." Thankfully the chair faced the back wall and I could ignore Craig and his "helpful" nature. Screw that guy. "Craig, might be good to call her counselor while we wait. You can go, she's not going anywhere."
Craig left and I was able to breathe.
My test came back negative. Dr. Clover met me at the door, instead of Craig and even she looked irritated.
"Every visitor is searched upon arrival, he knows that, I'm sorry that Craig jumped the gun a bit." She said as we walked towards her office.
"It's fine."
"Things didn't go well with your mom?"
"No and it's my fault."
"Why do you say that?"
"I should have m-managed my expectations of her. She n-never changes and I always expect her to."
"That Santana, is very common, we expect for the people we love to change for the better if they have wronged us but that doesn't always happen."
"M-Marco changed."
"Look how long that took and look how that ended up."
The sting of her words snapped me back to how I had been before Mami showed her face.
I was able to shift my focus as we sat in her office again and I felt so grateful for her.
Maybe therapy wasn't so bad.
When we got to Dr. Clover's office, CiCi was sitting there with my dinner tray and a soft smile on her face.
"They had curly fries today, couldn't let you miss out."
"You're my hero." I said to her and we fist bumped as I sat on the couch next to her.
Dr. Clover thumbed through my file and then placed it on the coffee table before moving over to a locked cabinet and pulling out two pill bottles. She placed them on the table and then looked at me.
"Are you ready to discuss?" She asked, picking my file back up.
I nodded as I swirled a fry around in ketchup and then popped it in my mouth.
"Verbal." CiCi nudged me. I sighed.
"Yes."
"Good. I've had meetings with your medical team, as you know and we talked about your surgeries, your prescribed therapies, and medication management."
"Okay, I kn-know I've missed things." I admitted.
"You have, some of that is because of bereavement and some of it is because you are here. Before we build your schedule, we need to address your recovery physically as well. We want to make sure that we are taking care of you as a whole person, so your going to start physical and speech therapy as well as your court ordered parenting classes. There is a consensus that you are indeed dealing with postpartum depression, on a large scale. Two pregnancies in a calendar year, combined with multiple losses have taken a toll and caused some of your breakdown. Would you agree?"
I drank down some of my water and then nodded.
"Yes."
"So we are going to start you on an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety. Your primary would like you to stay on your anti-seizure medication to combat any reactions to the antidepressant. As with any prescribed medication, you will be monitored when taking them. These bottles will stay in this room with me. They have also been cleared to be safe while nursing."
"Okay, good."
"Are you opposed to anything I just said?"
"Nope."
"Okay, then let's get you scheduled. Hopefully all the good chores aren't taken." She said as she looked down at her tablet. "I already made sure that you weren't assigned kitchen duty, given your history with food."
"Thank you, Doc. You h-have really made my day better."
"That's one of things I love about my job."
Day 31
April 29, 2013
Good Morning Henry,
It's just past midnight on my thirty-first day.
I just had my first day, on a new schedule with new medication and a chore. I got floor duty, leave it to a Catholic rehab to make manual labor harder. Instead of a mop, I am cleaning floors with a bucket, a sponge, and scrub brush.
When I say floors, I do mean every hallway in the whole place. I'm required to clean for six hours every day, three in the morning and three at night. After one day, my hands are cramping as I write this but I feel a sense of emptiness, stillness.
So maybe this is all purposeful.
I was supposed to be allowed a call with the kids today but everyone was busy. Doc got in contact with Britt, she promised to call today and I'm so anxious for it that while everyone else is asleep and I am supposed to be too...I can't. Today is the day that I can finally talk to Britt again. I need to know how things are going back at home. I need to feel like I still have my network. What if Britt's found someone new? What if everyone has given up on me? How am I supposed to know?
How can I manage these expectations?
I have done everything asked of me.
I participate daily and now I can think of cocaine and not wish that I could have some.
That's progress because even when I stopped before, I still craved the high, the taste on my gums, the burn in my nose. Now though...I don't want it as much. The cravings are still there but they are way more manageable.
I am starting to become more centered on my faith and plus...I have you! In my mind I imagine that you look a lot like Isaac when he's a man. It helps me to stay honest with you because I never want to lie to my children about who I am.
After morning prayer and breakfast, I'll have a scheduled half hour to call with Britt. She set up the time with Dr. Clover, so I know that she will be available. I hope that I can talk to her every week from now on!
Okay...I'm being glared at by CiCi because I have the light on...so I'm going to attempt sleep.
I'll let you know how the call goes!
P.S...Things are starting to look up.
Santana
"How are your expectations?" Dr. Clover asked as we waited for the call to come through.
"Higher th-than I'd like."
"I appreciate your honesty. Take a moment to pray while we wait."
I dropped my head and prayed for some kind of level headedness and patience but then the phone rang and all that went out the window.
"Ana!" B said as I picked up on the first ring.
"Hey, B." I felt shy at first...go figure!
"It's so great to hear your voice!"
"It's great to he-" I was cut off.
"Dionne! No...come on...come see me later...the wife is on the phone...yes..." I heard her cover the receiver but it didn't cover that laugh she does when she's flirting. I swallowed my immediate pang of jealousy and waited. Then her cheery voice popped back on the line. "Sorry about that."
That was all the explanation that she offered. I sighed and sat back against the big red couch. Dr. Clover was observing me while filling out paperwork as the phone sat on speaker.
"It's fine B. Are you at w-work?"
"Yea...I had planned to be home but then Tony had a family emergency, so I came in an hour early. I thought I locked my door but apparently I didn't."
"It's fine. So tell me how you're doing?"
"Great! The show is..." she went on and on about the show for a whole ten minutes before taking a breath. The clock was ticking and I only got one phone call a week until day 60. Needless to say, I was getting insanely annoyed. "Anyway...enough about me...how is your recovery going?"
That's a loaded question to ask anyone recovering from an addiction.
We all have good days and bad days.
Even people who have been clean for decades had those not so good days.
"Today is a g-good day. M-Most have been."
"Yea? That's amazing." she seemed preoccupied.
"Are you okay, B?"
"Um...yea...sorry...I have a crap load of emails...I was just checking them...annnnd...I'm done. Okay. I'm so sorry!"
"It's fine."
"No it's not. I'm probably annoying the shit out of you...Ugh...I've just been buried in work for the show. Plus with being at the hospital every day for the last week...it just threw me totally off schedule."
My heart dropped and was rolling around in the pit of my stomach. This whole conversation was bringing feelings of angst back to the fore and I was really not liking it. This was not what I had expected.
"Hospital? Is everything alright?"
"Oh...right. I'm so scattered. Yea...Izzy got really sick, he's fine now."
My heart was racing, how come Mami hadn't told me?
"Are you s-sure?" Tears were rushing to my eyes and from the look on her face, I could tell that Dr. Clover was going to have a lot to say and I had no answers for her.
"Yup, he's perfect now."
"Okay that's good."
"Yea it is. Soooo guess what?"
"Something ex-exciting I hope."
"Dani is crawling." My jaw dropped.
"Sh-She is?!" I said in shock.
"I know it's fast, she's only 4 months...but she has been going for three weeks now. It's so amazing to see. She gets better everyday!"
I sucked in a deep breath, trying my damnedest to hold back the tears that were now pooling in my eyes. I had missed my baby crawling. I had known it would happen but knowing that it did and I wasn't there because of my stupid fucking addiction...it made me feel so powerless.
"Yea...did I miss an-anything else?" I squeaked out.
"Dani also says Ma now. It's so cute...I can't wait for you to see her and Izzy...he talks in more full sentences and it sounds so clear. Little Johnny was over for the weekend with Sandra and they were just gabbing back and forth. It was insane...I recorded it for you."
"You did?"
"Yes! I tried to record what I could. I know how hard it is for you to miss stuff and-" she was cut off again and I could hear the muffle of her hand over the phone again. "What did I fucking tell you, D? Yes, I'm still on the phone! It's been a month...look...yea I know that! I know but...fuck fine...come in...sit down and shut the fuck up...okay?" I heard more mumbling and then a door shut.
When Britt finally got back on the line we had reached the twenty-five minute mark and I felt like I didn't really get to hear enough about what was going on at home. It was scraps.
"B...if you need to go...it's okay." I said when I heard her pick up the phone again.
"No...Dionne can wait."
"It's fine...we only have five m-minutes left anyway. Go h-handle stuff...we can talk next week. Okay?"
"Okay...fine. I love you Ana."
"I love you too, B."
She hung up and I was left sitting there feeling so many emotions. For the first time...my mind went back to the numbness of the drugs. I threw the phone clear across the room and collapsed in tears on the couch. I buried my face in the pillows and sobbed. I was so angry it felt like I was going to explode.
After talking at length about that phone call with Dr. Clover, I wasn't allowed to talk to Britt for another two weeks.
I wasn't ready to talk to her just as much as I hadn't been ready to see Mami. I sat on that couch rubbing my palms together and dealing with tremors which upset me even more.
The addiction was alive in me and there was no way that I could possibly be over it in thirty days. It had rooted itself in my psyche for so long that it was hard to overcome in such a short time.
I spent those two weeks in therapy and on my knees scrubbing the floors even harder.
On the last day of my two weeks as I was scrubbing the hallway floor until I could see my reflection, I realized how exhaustively empty my head was. I sat there on my knees after I was finished and just zoned out. This was that mind numbing euphoria I only found just after an intense orgasm or a really good high.
Except...I had neither of those things and here I was.
Empty.
It was then that I saw the purpose of the heavy labor.
I had always seen Sandra cleaning her house from top to bottom every Saturday and I thought she was insane...she could afford a maid but she insisted that she do it all on her own. I understood her so much more now.
The military had taught her how to clear her mind through hard work.
Now rehab was helping me to understand the same principle.
I felt prepared to talk to Britt the next day. I had a feeling that this time, I would be more prepared to deal with the changes that had been going on.
After lowering my expectations, I showed up in Dr. Clover's office two weeks later with my journal and the pictures of my kids. I hadn't been able to see them during the last call because Britt had work, this one though was a video chat because Dr. Clover knew I wouldn't toss a whole laptop.
So I sat on the other side of her desk with the laptop facing me.
I was nervous to see Britt but had prepared myself.
What I hadn't expected was that it wouldn't be my wife but my oldest sister looking back at me instead.
Apparently Britt had an important meeting to get to so she asked Sandra to call me. As bad as it may sound, the moment that I heard my sister's voice I felt relieved that I got to talk to her instead of my wife.
We had a real conversation about everything. It was what I had needed two weeks prior. She told me what I needed to hear and only told me certain things if I asked. She didn't mention any family drama, which was great!
Again, I didn't see my kids awake but my sister had shown me them while they slept in the nursery at her house.
They looked double the size they had been in the pictures and I blew them kisses that they couldn't see.
"Thanks." I said to my sister once she was back in her office.
"Anything for you, Ana...anything."
We had been about to end the phone call when her facade broke, she let out a sigh.
"Talk to me sis." I said, seeing that she was holding back.
"Look, I don't want to make your recovery time worse but I feel like you knowing what's going on while you have people to help you...is a good idea."
"Is it about B?" I looked her straight in the eye and saw the truth there.
"Yea. For the most part."
Dr. Clover saw my distress and began to move around the desk to be at my side.
"Hold on, sis." I waited for Dr. Clover to sit, not really surprised that she was inserting herself. She had already warned me that if I was in distress that she was going to make her presence known.
"Sandra? It's Dr. Clover. I'm going to sit in on this part, okay?" She was just asking her to be nice but neither of us really had a choice.
"Oh that's good. Can I talk now?" she said, sounding exhausted.
"Go on."
"Britt had put the kids in daycare because of the show out of the blue. At first I was going to allow the daycare but I know how you feel about it. Anyway, I stopped by the house and it was a pigsty and there were a bunch of people staying there...so I took the kids. She doesn't see them much. Twice a week. Britt can do whatever she wants you know but Izzy is getting older and he is always looking for you and Brittany."
"Is she off her meds?"
"I'm not sure but you should just know that Quinn and I are planning to talk to her about it. I just thought that you should know about it. I'm sorry to tell you...it's just...ugh...I'm sorry."
"She is um..." I took a deep breath and looked at Dr. Clover. She nodded in agreement that this would be a good opportunity to lay my fears about that girl to if I told her to explore, I didn't think she'd actually do it. "Is she seeing s-someone?"
"Oh...are you referring to Dionne?" My heart sped up. Sandra knew her name.
"Yea."
"No need to worry about her. Britt is still faithful to you...Ari has been keeping an eye out on things at the theater. Apparently Dionne has a bit of a crush on Brittany. That's it."
"Oh...and that's it?"
"Yes...I visited and could see how annoyed Britt was with the way Dionne was clinging to her. I thought it was just for show but Ari tells me that Britt is always annoyed with her and snapping at her."
"Oh ok."
"Look Ana, I'm trying my best to make sure that you have something to come home to. You just need to worry about getting better because your kids need you...more than us...more than Brittany. Okay?"
"Thank you Sandra." I whispered as I brushed my hands through my hair. I was feeling a little more relieved and knew that as long as I had people on the outside taking care of things, that I would be able to handle anything that came my way.
Recovery first, then the rest.