Of Things You Can't Control

Chapter 5

Fever

More days passed with Katsumi lying on the couch, sweating out the fever that was still holding her tightly, and with him, doing more paperwork. He'd never done that much paperwork in such a short amount of time… It was incredible. Yet it was a good distraction. Not that he needed a distraction that bad… Kakashi turned his head towards his open bedroom door.

Katsumi was lying with her legs pulled up a bit, snuggling into the three layers of blankets, while reading one of his favorite books. He would recognize the orange book even from a greater distance. At least she felt good enough to read, that was a start. Even though he had hoped she would pick a different reading material. He wasn't possessive about his favorite books, he just wasn't so keen on the ideas that book might be putting into the girl's mind. It wasn't as if Kakashi hadn't noticed how Katsumi sometimes looked at him. Yet he had ignored it. It had to be ignored, anyway! There was no way, he…

Oh, for crying out loud!

He inhaled sharply. Talking about distractions… Shaking his head, he turned back towards his mission reports. Another hour passed, before he decided to take a shower. A cold one.

He took his time in the bathroom (even decided a cold shower wasn't really necessary). In the middle of dressing, he suddenly heard a faint groan, followed by the calling of his name. Katsumi! She sounded desperate. Ignoring his wet hair and the fact that he was only wearing pants, he stormed out of the bathroom in concern.

Katsumi was sitting on the couch, clutching the blankets to herself as if her life depended on them. She blinked as she noticed him.

"What's wrong?" he asked, trying to ignore her constant stare as he approached her.

"I… I…" Her breath came in rapid puffs, her entire body was shaking. "Suddenly… there…" She looked awfully pale, light blue even. And she wasn't only shaking, her teeth were chattering loudly. Yet she still had the strength to stare at him openly. "You… no… no mask…"

He rolled his eye and sighed. Yes, he wasn't wearing his mask. He was also not wearing a shirt and his hair was dripping wet. But he didn't care, Katsumi seemed to be in trouble and that was his only concern, when he sat down beside her. His hand found her forehead. He frowned. It was as cold as ice.

No more fever? Or was this a side effect of it? It looked an awful lot like the shivers. She had been sweating when he had left her, why was she so cold all of a sudden?

She looked up at him, her lips already turning blue, her eyes widened frightfully. "What… what's happening to me?"

"You went cold, all of a sudden?" he asked, watching her closely. "Just like that?"

"I… I was reading… and then I had to… cough and… my head began to spin… and suddenly I felt really cold…" Her voice was shaking badly, the chattering of teeth not really helping her articulate herself properly.

He didn't need any more information. She needed warmth. And those three blankets weren't helping. Kakashi didn't hesitate at all when he leaned forwards, pulled his arms around her and pressed her against his bare chest. She stiffened slightly, yet seemed to relax rather quickly when her cheek made contact with his warm skin. They sat like that for a moment, before he decided to rearrange their seating position by lifting her up slightly, sitting down on the couch and pulling her onto his lap, still holding her face against his chest. She rolled up against him, a light ball of red hair, cold skin, pointy bones and three layers of blankets. He waited until she had fully relaxed against him, before resting his chin on top of her head, with his arms folded around her.

Yes, this was a rather intimate gesture.

Yes, he had only known her for a few weeks, yes, she was the object of his ongoing mission, and yes, he knew what he probably planted into her head by doing it, but he had just wanted to help her. He was supposed to protect her – even if it meant to hug her to his naked chest so that she wouldn't freeze to death. Everyone had to make sacrifices, right? Even though this didn't feel like a sacrifice at all… A sting of selfishness rushed through him as he felt her soft breath on his skin and how her cold hands were pressed lightly against his abdomen.

Oh, this was no good…

He closed his eye, only to jerk open both this time, when he felt how her finger drew circles on the more sensitive areas of his chest. Dear God… The Sharingan sent a flash of energy down his spine, immediately drawing on his chakra resources, igniting every single nerve in the process.

"Katsumi?" he asked, trying not to choke out the words. "What are you doing?"

Her finger stopped mid-motion, hovering inches over his skin. "I… I don't know," she whispered against his chest, her voice hesitant and quiet.

He inhaled deeply, the movement of his ribcage causing her finger to scrape over his skin. The feeling was intense. His Sharingan drew in every detail: the way she was sitting, rolled up, on his lap, the weight of her slender form pressed against his body, one of her hands still resting on his abdomen, whilst the other was still hovering over his chest, the soft movement of her eyelashes against his skin, the way her breath sank into his pores… He could see past the three blankets, how her shoulders and chest and legs fit perfectly against him, how her feet had curled up under the blankets, resting just beside his leg, how her heart increased in speed and how her body warmth slowly returned to normal.

Everything seemed crystal clear. And yet he was confused by the way his body reacted to such a small touch. He had been the one to hug her to his chest in the first place! But who would have thought that she would respond in such a way? Or had it been that obvious, just not to him?

He loosened the grip of his arms around her slightly, one hand resting loosely on her back, while the other crept up towards her hair. He wanted to turn this warmth-bringing hug into a nonchalant thing, something everyone and their neighbor would do, with no special intentions behind it. Innocent. Pure. Not like… Except that he ended up not patting her head in a casual way, but with his fingers entangled in her locks, his fingertips softly caressing her neck. And as if that had been necessary to give Katsumi more courage, she pressed her hand onto his chest, right above where his heart was beating slightly faster than usual. He closed his eyes.

This was wrong…

He was thinking about how wrong it was, how she was a teenager and he was not and how they shouldn't do anything like this … all in the blink of an eye.

Yes, this was wrong…

She continued caressing his chest, with her hand gently running over his skin, over the scars that had gathered on his body over the years, her fingertips scraping over skin and muscles and flesh. Just when he was about to bolt up, ready to leave the overwhelming situation, because it was just too much, he felt how she pressed her warm mouth against his skin.

Oh, for crying out loud! What was wrong with this girl?! Was she still somehow delirious?

He flinched so badly, he unconsciously tightened the grip of his fingers in her hair, causing her to pull away rather quickly. "Katsumi…" His voice was nothing more than a strained whisper. He hated himself for such a reaction. Even more so as he heard her choke on her breath a bit. Her body stiffened slightly, her hands were being withdrawn from his chest. She was pulling away… maybe that was the right thing to do. She had understood that this was wrong.

Why couldn't he?

Instead (while blaming it all on the fact that he hadn't felt any [caring] human contact in a while) he hugged her with both arms, lifting her up slightly in the process, before cupping her face with both hands, looking at her, probably a tad too intensely. She stared up at him, flushed from his sudden reaction, her lips parted. They looked at each other for just a few seconds, before he decided that it really didn't matter.

He was even so confused that he completely ignored any consequences. Yet he would only later realize how out of character he had behaved.

Katsumi stared up at him, completely baffled. What was he doing? Well, what did she expect him to do after she had somehow accidentally kissed his chest? Seriously! She had no idea what had gotten into her. His hug had felt so nice, the suddenness of it had simply overwhelmed her. She didn't even know why it had happened in the first place… oh, wait, right, she had suddenly felt extremely cold, extreme enough for her to call him in desperation, because she hadn't known what to do. Helplessness sure was not her thing. Yet when it ended in her being pressed against a man's bare breast, well, she could get used to being helpless… somehow.

And while being held by those arms, with her cheek glued to his warm skin, something had snapped. She had remembered a passage from Icha Icha (yes, she still couldn't put that book aside – even though it became smuttier and smuttier the more she read) and suddenly, her hands had been operating on their own. She had not intended to touch him like that. But somehow, it had just happened. His reaction had confused her even more. First she was embarrassed as hell, but then… when he hadn't really stopped her… she had felt more courageous and had continued to feel him up.

The feel of his skin and the scars and the muscles moving underneath and his heart beating just beside her ear… The way she was sitting in his lap, her whole body resting on his legs and against his upper body… How he held her close, with his arms leaving no room for any more movements… and then how his fingers had begun to caress her neck, twisting around her hair just like that… Her eyes had landed on his chest, so close to her face, so close… She had only moved a few inches and then her lips had somehow made contact. She had no idea how that had happened… No idea whatsoever.

Yet, even though he had flinched badly at that (who would blame him), she was now facing him, feeling his thumbs caress the corners of her mouth, while leaning, with her hands clutching each other in insecurity, against his chest. First she had found it more interesting to finally see his left eye being open, with the red pupil and those three black dots in it… but then she had focused on how his mismatched eyes were looking at her. She couldn't really tell, but she felt as if he was staring into her soul, drawing in every single detail, something she didn't know yet glimmering inside his eyes. She swallowed hard, when he was leaning closer.

He was so close, she could feel his breath on her lips. Their noses touched slightly, before he tilted his head a bit and… She blinked when he pressed his mouth onto hers. His lips were soft and gentle (so unlike… oh no, why was she remembering those horrible men now?!) Pulling her eyebrows together, she tried to push that memory back into a dark corner of her mind, yet when he pulled back again, she couldn't help but look at him with watering eyes. His face immediately showed concern, causing the tears to spill from her eyelashes.

Damn it…

"What's wrong? Did I…" he asked quietly, but she broke him off by shaking her head.

"No, it's… nothing… it's not… you…" She hated herself for not being able to control her feelings better. It was still new to her to have these emotions in the first place, she hadn't come around to properly controlling them yet. "I… I'm sorry…"

He tilted his head, his thumbs wiping away the tears. Instead of replying, he moved in again, placing his lips on hers gently once more. This time he closed them around her lower lip, then her upper lip… By the time he was kissing her repeatedly, she had finally managed to close her eyes, simply leaning into the movements of his mouth. As he leaned back, she kept her eyes closed, the tip of her tongue unconsciously licking over her upper lip.

"Katsumi," she then heard him say softly, his breath tingling on her skin. "Katsumi, look at me."

She opened her eyes slowly. He was watching her closely, with his dark-gray and his red eye, his gaze was intense. It was also asking her something. She could tell. She had read about that in Icha Icha. If someone is watching you intensely, they are asking you whether or not it is okay to continue whatever they might have been doing before. At least that's how she remembered Jiraiya-sama's words. She blinked, when his lips twisted into a smile.

It was the first time she actually saw his entire face while contorted by a smile. Not just his right eye, his entire face! She was really wondering why he was hiding such a face behind a stupid mask… She blinked again, when his smile widened and he actually broke into a laugh.

"You do realize that you keep staring at me as if I'm a weird piece of art on display, right?" he then said, still chuckling (while she stared at how white and even his teeth were).

She cleared her throat, looking away for only a moment, before her eyes wandered up his face again. "Well… um… no… you're not…" She felt as if she had ruined the moment.

He replied by sliding his hands down her face towards her neck, gently placing them on her collarbones, with his thumbs lightly stroking her throat. She swallowed, while still looking up at him. His smile faded the longer he watched her. When he leaned closer again, it was gone completely. He turned his head and she could feel his breath, then his lips brushing against her ear.

"Tell me to stop, Katsumi," she heard him whisper. His voice caused her goosebumps. Or maybe it was the intensity of how he said those words. Perhaps it were the words themselves… She held her breath as he began nibbling on her earlobe. Tell him to stop? Was she even able to do so? Did she want him to stop? She closed her eyes…

Suddenly, Kakashi was pulling away, his hands leaving her completely, as he pushed his body deeper into the back of the couch. She almost fell off his lap. "What… what's wrong?" she asked in a mere whisper, watching him bury his face in both of his hands, before he ran his fingers through his still slightly wet hair.

"This," he then replied, staring at the ceiling. "This is wrong…"

She swallowed at that. Even though she was still sitting in his lap, most of her body still in contact with his, she suddenly felt very cold. Not like before, but differently cold. It was as if it came from the inside… oh, a new emotion? What was it then? She blinked as she stared at him. Really, who was he to cause her all these emotions…

She shifted her position slightly, making herself ready to bolt if necessary. He wasn't holding her anymore, it seemed easy to run if this got any more awkward… When he didn't say or do anything after another minute, she nodded to herself.

Alright. It was wrong. If he said so.

So, she didn't have to hang herself up on these emotions anymore. Just get up and leave. Doesn't matter where to, just leave the couch. Leave his warm body, leave him…

So she got up. And entangled her feet in the blankets that were still wrapped around her body. Also the couch was way too soft. And there was still the issue of her injured foot. She had to lose her balance. She had to stumble over his legs. She had to almost fall over him. She had to be caught by his hands. She had to sit down on his lap again. She just had to.

Awesome. Instead of running from him, she was now sitting with one foot on each side of his body. Settled astride his lap. And in order to keep her balance, she had even placed her hands broadly on his chest. How the hell did that happen?! She looked up at him in a mixture of shock, terror and surprise. He mirrored her expression. But it only lasted a second or so, before he lowered his hands and placed them on top of hers, his face calm and somewhat determined.

For a moment, she wondered how they had ended up like this. The last thing she remembered was falling into his arms after having been pushed into a side street by a group of drunken man. Then she had been lying on his couch for almost a week with him taking care of her and her high temperature. Okay, there was some development… but… what about the time before he had found her in that side street? They had been living together for a whole week with nothing happening at all. He had been nice and generous and she had felt grateful and… yes, there had been moments where she had looked at him a bit differently, where her heart had been trying to tell her something that she hadn't really been able to understand at that time.

Now, however, she felt as if she finally understood what was going on.

And it was her who made the first move. Leaning towards him, eyeing him closely, she placed her lips gently on his. After pecking him a few seconds, she tilted her head to one side, parted her lips slightly and closed them around his, batting down her eyelids in the process. With her hands still held by his, she could only hold the position for a moment, before leaning back, breathing a bit rougher. His eyes were on her. Was it really wrong? He didn't need long to respond to her unspoken question.

Soon his hands were gripping her hair, pulling her closer. She let out a little gasp as his lips met hers, more forceful than before. Their mouths collided with a smack. Their lips encircling each other without hesitation. With her eyes closed, she could feel the tip of his tongue pushing against her lips, eventually meeting hers in a weird dance. Katsumi felt her breath being knocked out of her with every new motion of his lips and tongue. Suddenly, it felt natural to mirror his movements. As if she had never done anything else. Thinking that he was a good teacher, she moved her hands up to play with his hair, all the while leaning closer to him, her chest pressed against his, as she deepened the kiss.

This couldn't be wrong… when it felt so right…

Her mind was blank once he ended the kiss, yet moved his lips further over her face. Along her chin and jaw-line, towards her ear, down the side of her neck. The touch made her skin tingle pleasantly. She leaned back a little to allow him to kiss the hollow of her throat. One of his hands wandered further down to push beneath the hem of her shirt. When she felt his calloused fingers caressing her lower back, she opened her eyes, trying to figure out what the little lump inside her throat was telling her. Did she really want this?

He was watching her. She felt her cheeks redden by the way he did so. Tilting his head, with his hand still running over her back, he leaned closer, until their noses touched slightly. She didn't dare to blink, afraid she might be missing something in his gaze. "Are you sure?" he then whispered, his voice barely audible against the drumming of her heart. She swallowed, feeling how his other hand was pressed lightly against her neck, the thumb running along her pulse.

The little nod she issued rather jerkily made him lean closer, with his mouth robbing her of air immediately. His arms closed tighter around her, pulling her even closer. Her fingers disappeared into his hair, while she leaned into the kiss, ignoring the yearning of her lungs, only concentrating on the feeling of his body pressed against hers. Moving in the rhythm of the kiss, she even unconsciously rocked her hips against his lower body. She didn't even notice what she was doing, until his hands grabbed her waist roughly, forcing her to stop. Trying to ignore the blush creeping up her neck, she leaned more into the kiss, with her tongue dancing around his.

When he finally pulled a bit away to let her catch her breath, she panted horribly, turning her head away from him in slight embarrassment. He didn't seem to mind the noises she made as he moved his lips over her face again. It was when she felt how he slid the tip of his tongue over her throat, as she gasped in surprise, stretching her neck in response a second later. When he proceeded kissing her neck and ear, she buried her face in his hair.

His embrace felt so good… she had never expected it to be that good. Reading something like this in a book like Icha Icha was one thing, experiencing it on her own was something completely different. Not even Jiraiya-sama could have put in words what was going on inside her (even though he had tried rather successfully – but him being a man describing the story from a man's point of view wasn't really helpful to her). But instead of wondering why she was feeling what she was feeling, she simply leaned into it, enjoying the tingling of her skin, the beating of her heart, the warmth spreading through her entire body… gathering somewhere south.

She let out a shriek when she felt his hand wandering past her lower back, downwards.

Her breath picked up the pace, her heart drumming loudly inside her ears, the tingling growing almost unbearable. Yet as soon as her little shriek had escaped her lips, he withdrew his hand again. Instead he slung both his arms tightly around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him, before pressing his face against the side of her neck.

"Katsumi," she heard him breathe against her skin.

"Hmm?" came her slightly too high-pitched response.

"What are we doing?" His voice was quiet, almost like a sigh.

She opened her eyes slightly, staring into his hair. "I… I don't know…" she replied warily, biting her lip, somehow sensing that he still had his doubts about this. Hell, she even had her doubts, because she just didn't know any better. She had hoped he would be leading her through this… but…

"Maybe we should take it slowly," he then said, making her hold her breath in anticipation.

Slowly… whatever that means. "Oh…okay," she whispered.

And then he was letting her go, pulling back his arms, even gently pushing her away by placing his hands on her arms. It happened so fast. The next thing she knew was that she was kneeling on the couch, surrounded by a pile of blankets, with Kakashi walking away from her. She didn't turn around to face him, somehow knowing that he wasn't even looking at her. Something rushed through her veins as realization struck.

Yet she only realized that she was disappointed as the first tear ran down her cheek. Blinking in surprise, she slowly raised her hand and wiped it away, staring puzzled at her glistening fingertip. Why was she crying? Was she really… disappointed? What did that even mean? What had she expected to happen anyway?

A small voice in the back of her head gave the answer.

She wanted to feel him now. She wanted to touch him, feel his warmth, his embrace, his kisses, breathe in the scent of his hair and skin, run her fingers over his muscles and his scars, simply feel him against her…

Katsumi blinked again. She… really wanted him… That was… unexpected and new.

What was happening to her? All these emotions… this tingling on her skin and inside her body… those sensations rushing through her veins, gathering in her body midst…

She was falling, right? Falling for him. Just like that, everything had changed. Exactly as it had happened in the orange book that was lying on the table. The protagonist had met a woman, the woman had become his friend, and one day, she had been more to him. Just like that…

Kakashi was more to her… more than the stranger he had been two weeks ago, more than the roommate, more than the man looking after her. He was more than that. What exactly he was, that was another question.

Katsumi turned around slowly, only to see him watching her from the bathroom door. He had slipped into a sweater by now, ruffling his hair as he took a step forwards. His left eye was closed again and his remaining one fixed on her. She looked back at him, trying to figure out what was going on.

Confusion washed over her as he walked towards the couch and sat down next to her. She slowly changed her position from kneeling into sitting, awkwardly taking a seat beside him, with the blankets clutched in her hands.

"Don't you think this was going too fast?" he then asked, while looking straight ahead.

Katsumi stared at his profile, unfortunately she was facing his left side and his closed eye wasn't telling her much. Too fast… as she was considering his question, the new found urge grew louder again, making her gape at how his skin stretched over his jaw and how his lips… Wow, these hormones really suck… Clearing her throat, she then replied: "Well, maybe…"

She blushed (caught in the act of checking him out) as he turned his head towards her. He threw her a smile in response. "Katsumi, we don't even know each other that well," he said, sounding a bit educationally.

"But… but…" She looked around, hoping to find a good argument somewhere, just when her eyes fell onto the orange book. "But Jiraiya-sama wrote that you don't need to know a person as long as you care about them. That… that feelings are more important than information…"

Kakashi smiled wider. "You do realize that Icha Icha is a piece of fiction, right? Not a self-help book on love."

"Love…?" she whispered, staring at the cover of the book, feeling her cheeks redden. She blinked in confusion. Love… Now she really felt inexperienced. All the things she had picked up from the streets sure had been helpful, she knew quite a lot for her age (yes, even how babies were made… you hear quite the stories on the streets…), yet everyone had failed to explain her what love really was. She had obviously never felt it before, not like this, she had no idea. But she was clever enough to put one and one together. Or… was she?

It was then that she felt Kakashi's hand on her back. She looked around, her lips parted in surprise.

"You still have a lot to learn," he then said, pulling her towards him.

She settled beside him, leaning against his body, while his arm held her close.

"And I wouldn't advise you to do so from a book."

Katsumi looked up, with her heart beating faster yet again. "But how am I supposed to know… these… things then?" she whispered, feeling slightly embarrassed about admitting how naive and inexperienced she really was.

His free hand reached up to be placed on her cheek. She swallowed.

"I'll be your teacher," he said quietly, watching her with a warm smile.

She blinked. She couldn't help but notice how cheesy that just sounded, yet still, she felt rather happy about the turn of events. He wasn't pulling away from her. He was letting her in. It would have been more than awkward to live together if he was planning on avoiding her. Or if her hormones decided to go really crazy… she really had to try and control her emotions (even though another little voice in her head was telling her to jump him right away… she did her best to ignore that one).

"But I don't have to call you Kakashi-sensei now, right?" she finally replied with a little grin.

He chuckled. "No, please don't."

She smiled up at him, while cuddling against him. "Thank you," she then whispered, leaning her head against his chest, closing her eyes in the process.

"Didn't I tell you…"

"…to never mention it again? Yes, you did. I'm sorry. I'll be quiet now."

"You do that," he replied, letting his thumb caress her lower arm.

It went still in his apartment. She felt how her heart relaxed and how her breathing became even again. There were a few drops of sweat on her forehead, but she didn't care.

She soon fell asleep. In his arms. Everything seemed perfect…

But she didn't know that this was only the beginning. Of everything but a happy-ending.

A/N:

Disclaimer:

Kakashi in all his glory belongs to Kishimoto Masashi. Katsumi is mine.

Next: What happens after the incident-on-the-couch? You'll have to wait and see. I'm only dropping a few keywords here. Like Breathless! Hospital bed! Kidnapping! Decisions! Yeah, that's about it.

Thank you for your time!