"As the one Summer entrusted to this task, I have been empowered to read Summer's last will, due to her… departure." Barloc said, looking down everyone in the room with a flat stare.
"Well get on with it, the bar is awaiting us." Qrow said, elbowing Cayde-6 who nodded in agreement.
"SUMMER!" Taiyang cried out, with Ozpin patting his back.
"There there…" Ozpin said, and looked at Barloc. The two honestly couldn't believe it would've happened anytime soon either, but it caught them both off-guard.
"I'm still surprised at how well I predicted the both of them." Raven said dryly, looking at Taiyang and Cayde, the latter nodding morosely.
"We've never worked with a better Guardian." Prometheus and Lux said in unison, their helmets off, the two staving off their emotions as to act professional over this matter.
"If we are all seated and able to listen," Barloc glared at Taiyang, who was still sobbing. "Then I'd like to start the reading."
"Get on with it." Raven said immediately after the words were spoken.
"I, Summer Rose, being of sound mind and body," Qrow suppressed a laugh, knowing exactly what she left behind. "Hereby divide my earnings over the past course of my career as follows: To my overly emotional husband." Barloc's right eye twitched as the bawling increased from Taiyang.
"Tai, he's referring to you." Ozpin reminded.
"Really?" Tai said, stopping his crying, sniffling a bit as he did so.
"Who lived with me, and has been left with kids to raise on his lonesome, and wore a dress to prom back during our early days, I leave," Barloc then looked to Taiyang. "A boot to the head."
"Wait, what?!" Was all Taiyang let out, before a boot hit his face.
"And one for the wimp friend he's got." Barloc continued, as a boot also hit a confused Ozpin. "Oh, but you are both still loved ones to the end, having always pushed me to become a better huntress…"
The two looked at Barloc, Taiyang being flattered by her words, and Ozpin giving Barloc a flat look. "Was that really necessary?"
"Oh, you don't have to be rude Oz!" Taiyang said in defense of Summer, as Qrow laughed, Cayde seemingly trying to keep his composure as well.
Barloc shrugged. "It says it in the will, so you two must be who she's mentioning." He quickly commented, before moving on. "Thus, I hereby decree to you two, as the best friends,another boot to the head." He finished, two more boots going into the same faces.
"To Qrow, my alcoholic teammate who's always down on his luck…"
"Oh no I don't want no boot to the head." Qrow panicked and tried to duck behind his seat.
"I leave a case of the finest whiskey I was able to dig up from the EDZ."
"Wait what?" Qrow asked peeking his head up.
"And a boot to the head."
"Ow!" Qrow yelped as a boot pelted him right in the forehead.
"And another two for the wimps!"
"Gah!"
"Ow!"
Barloc couldn't help but smirk a bit now. The power was getting a bit to him, but he remembered that he had a promise to fill, and grimaced. "To Raven, the knowitall sister I've never had."
"I don't even need to be as old as Ozpin to see this coming."
"I bequeath, a boot to the head."
"Ugh!" Raven let out, the boot smacking her in the frowning face. "I knew it."
"And another two for the wimps!"
"Ah! Taiyang cried out in pain, falling to the ground.
"Auh!" Ozpin let out, doing the same.
"To the rest of my fireteam, Lux Sylphid and Prometheus."
"I think I'd be fine without this." Lux immediately covered her head, knowing what it was.
"I second that." Prometheus said, already ducking for the boot.
"Who watched my back for many, many years, went with me on strikes, took turns in Crimson Doubles together…"
The two couldn't help but smile at the memories.
"I still wish to fight with her again, too."
"It always amazed me, the tactics she came up with to cause more havoc than I." He said, peeking his head out from the table.
"To the remaining teammates of Fireteam Nero, I leave, boots to the head."
The two guardians attempted to dodge, but it proved fruitless, both the two boots hitting their respective targets.
"And another two for the wimps!"
"Ouh!"
"Oof!"
"To my pet Zwei," Barloc looked around, and noticed Zwei behind him, looking just as confused as he was. "I leave my entire vast- boot to the head."
Zwei let out a pained yelp of confusion, and looked around to see where the boot came from.
"Why the dog, Summer…" Barloc muttered to himself, before bracing himself for what comes next, putting his hand in a paper bag next to him. "Lastly, to Barloc, who has helped me on this will:I leave not a boot to the head, but-" He pauses, and his eyes widened, hand letting go of a concussion grenade that rolled out onto the floor harmlessly as he felt something down below. "A large, rabid hive worm to be placed in his trousers?!"
Barloc cried out in pain, the hive worm thrashing around, as he forcefully extracted it from his pants, stomping on it afterwards. He took a moment to compose himself, and opened up his medkit, applying some healing gel to the wounds. "And I leave all my glimmer to the people of Remnant, in hopes they can reach Earth." He then looked at Cayde, who whistled all too innocently.
"That's it!?" Tai almost yelled in annoyance.
"That's disgraceful, even for her standards!" Qrow seconded Tai in shared anger.
"There's one last thing:A tub of ice cream for everybody in the room." Barloc said, as he reached for a concussion grenade.
A silence then fell over the room, until Tai broke the silence. "Is the flavor blueberry?"
"No," Barloc said, throwing the concussion grenade into the ceiling, blowing a hole in the roof of which Summer fell through, a yelp of surprise coming from her.
"Traitor!" Summer said, getting up a bit, and pointing aggressively at him, as he walked to the door, opening it. Everyone stared at Summer in complete shock.
"Boot to the head." Barloc threw another grenade behind him, hitting a hidden mechanism on a wall that sent boots flying everywhere.
Barloc sighs, as he looked at the last will one last time, while the sounds of pain and rubber soles echoed behind him.
"You hunters sure are bitches aren't ya?"
Happy April 1st guys ;)